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Dec 2019 · 146
Brandon
Cat Fiske Dec 2019
You interest me.
If only I could have come to my senses sooner.
If only I choose quality over distance.
If only I would have looked In front of me.
If only i had gotten sober sooner,
or never became an addict at all.

You simply fascinate me with every part of your soul.
It makes me sad to know that you and I will never work out now.
It makes me sad to know that ******* you,
is the only way I can get close to you again.
It makes me sad that I think sometimes and almost believe,
that you just are using me.

You make me want to learn about your life.
I want to hear about your job.
I want to hear about your day.

I want to hear about the struggles and the ups and downs.
What happened with your car.
Why did you stop wearing your cross?
I want to hear it all.

You always made me happy,
and always took care of me.
Even though I was just a friend.
Even though I lead you on.
Even though I never told you how I feel.
Even though I didn't deserve your support, or help.

You make me want to love you,
but you will never love me.
For my mistakes.
For my imperfections.
For myself.

I am unsure how to feel.
I feel like I need to explain myself,
but don't know where to start or what to say.

I am to scared to push you away again.
I'm scared of ******* up.
I'm scared of it all.

But you also make me feel at peace,
while I'm also now anxious,
wanting to know what you think.
But you also never tell me how you feel or anyone really.

I want to know you.
All of you.
I want you to know who I really am.
Not the idea you have of me currently.
I had to get these feeling out
Jun 2018 · 530
Luckys
Cat Fiske Jun 2018
I used to buy over priced Cigarettes,
To mask my pain and regrets.
I'd pack them on the dashboard of my car,
Like a man who beats a women until his hands scar.
I'd open my pack,
before my withdrawals would attack.
Rip off the plastic and remove the foil,
Carefully like you'd place a crown on someone royal,
Pull out the first cigarette by the filtered tip,
I made sure not to forget to flip,
As I put the cigarette back,
I pull out another by the filter from my pack.
Dec 2017 · 551
leaving
Cat Fiske Dec 2017
you burned,
like alcohol,
on freshly bitten nails.

more painful,
then the cold,
nipping at my ankles,

I loved,
like today,
wouldn't turn into tomorrow,

So you hurt,
like the sun,
and you left a mark.
Dec 2017 · 371
Paths
Cat Fiske Dec 2017
I cried when you left,
Not because I liked you,
because I loved you,

I could of been with you,
but I had other plans,

My life became my own,
no one else was going to change that,
so I lost the ones I loved,

Because I had to take a different path,
a path no one I loved wanted to travel.
Nov 2017 · 317
Used to
Cat Fiske Nov 2017
I used to love this boy,
with ***** blonde hair,
and bright blue eyes,

I haven't spoken to him in years,
but he reached out,
and found me,

I used to love this boy,
So I was quick to message him back,
I agreed to meet him again,

He picked me up,
and was very grown up,
I felt unworthy,

I used to love this boy,
and he stopped loving me,
because I didn't call him back one day,

Since meeting up,
he has blown up my phone,
just like he had before,

I used to love this boy,
but he was controlling,
he made me feel unsafe,

I was trapped,
From all the emotions,
he took advantage of me.

I used to love this boy,
but I told him to *******,
I felt guilty,

but even though,
I was regretful,
I cannot love this boy,
Oct 2017 · 1.7k
a picture of her face
Cat Fiske Oct 2017
the
smile across,
this women's,
face,
brings me,
so much joy!

I play to her,
painting,
a picture,
of her face,

A picture,
of this woman's face,
is left inside,
my head,

for she has left,
and I alone,
with a picture of her face,

I can play,
for her still,
for her memory,
never fades,

she is still,
right by my side,
I still have,
a picture of her face.

and though,
she left,
so sudden,
so abrupt,
I remember,
one important thing,
the way she smiled,
the way she laughed,
and how I still have,


I miss,
my love,
so dear,
to me,
gone,
in a flash,

only to leave,
a picture of her face,

she only left,
a picture of her face.

my love is gone,
and left so fast,
leaving me here,
to play to,
a picture of her face,

I remember,
her smile,
the way she laugh,
but only stare,
to a picture of her face,

my love is gone,
and left so fast,
leaving me here,
to play to,
a picture of her face,

I remember,
her smile,
the way she laugh,
but only stare,
to a picture of her face,


I still,
play to her,
for she has left,
and I alone,
with a picture of her face,
Scoot Joplin a picture of her face, during the song.
Listen to the song while reading to get the tempo
Oct 2017 · 459
Make it (10w)
Cat Fiske Oct 2017
I will make it,
though this,
if it kills me.
10w poem
Oct 2017 · 304
Numb
Cat Fiske Oct 2017
I smoke more cigarettes,
because they help me breathe,
Like their my oxygen tank,
and the weight of the tank,
is like the weight of my depression,
I'm to week to drag my tank of depression,
it weighs down on me like i'm trapped in chains,

Lately the cigarettes can't numb the pain,
I've turned to drinking,
basically anything,
that will clear my mind,
every drug that can sweep my brain clear of the dust of the past,
never lasts long enough,

It just wears off,
and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders,
I cry because there is too much weighing on me,
I can't lose any of the baggage,
I just begin to crumble and fall,

so I get numb again,
Oct 2017 · 2.6k
Harassment
Cat Fiske Oct 2017
you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

You read my battle,
off the scars on my arm,
you seek a remedy,
to help you get along.

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I gave you advice,
you never used,
no matter what I tried,
you got worse and worse,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

you stopped sleeping,
stopped eating,
stopped living,
I felt your pain and it was killing me,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I looked at you,
and saw my past,
every time,
you would over react,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I had to do something,
but couldn't alone,
I wrote it all down,
and turned to an adult,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

you got some help,
I passed my mission,
or so I thought,
until it was all for attention,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

You lied to me,
and reported me for harassment,
after all the nights,
I tried to help you with your depression,

you fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I couldn't of lived with myself,
if something had happened,
I told people!
when really your hospital bracelets told everyone.

So now I'm falling deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

My world is coming down around me,
all because I tried to be a good person,
do the right thing,
now this is all on me,

I fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

I'm trapped and scared,
now everyone hates me,
the darkness is back,
and it seems to have trapped me.

I fell deeper and deeper,
down the pit fall of depression,

Its closing in on me,
my thoughts are dark,
I'm still trying,
to shut off my heart.
I hate feeling that I can never help someone again, in fear of being kicked out of school.
Sep 2017 · 259
I am
Cat Fiske Sep 2017
I am,
a bad person
a coward
a failure
a fool

I apologies,
for the awful things I do,

I am,
an ***
an idiot
ashamed
at fault

I beg you,
to not take it as an assault,

I am,
atrocious
awful
careless
and childish

I am deeply sorry,
you cant handle what I dish out,

I am,
crazy
disgraceful
disgusting
dishonest

I am filled with regret,
I'm sorry I'm not modest,

I am,
distressed
disturbed
embarrassed
forgetful

I am filled with regret,
for not being careful.

I am,
guilt-ridden
guilty
horrible
humiliated

I am going to make this right,
no matter how much time I've wasted.

I am,
hurtful
idiotic
impulsive
in pain

I am in the wrong,
and the one to blame,

I am,
inadequate
irresponsible
lost
lousy

I am filled with regret,
for speaking so proudly,

I am,
mean
miserable
misguided
not perfect

I am genuinely sorry,
I make you so ticked,

I am,
out of my mind
out of sorts
out-of-control
out-of-line

I am regretful,
I complain and wine,

I am,
overly critical
pathetic
regretful
remorseful

I am responsible for this,
I am too forgetful,

I am,
ridiculous
rotten
sad
selfish

I am shameful,
I should be less careless,

I am,
stupid
terrible
troubled
unacceptable

I am unfair,
I should be more responsible,

I am
unthoughtful
unworthy
upset
wrong

I am willing to do anything,
willing to get help,

I am willing to make myself,
Gone.
I just am all over the place.
Sep 2017 · 380
The healing process
Cat Fiske Sep 2017
I'm empty,
like a run down house.

I'm no longer sure,
of my whereabouts.

Where I am,
Why I'm here,

I wish for my company,
to disappear.

Now I'm faded and stale,
like an rusty old nail,

I wish to be social,
But I was always at someones disposal,

I wanted some space,
sometime to think and retrace,

to let go,
of the bad,

to try to stop,
being sad,

but the pain returns,
and the flooding thoughts burn,

Cast down,
destroyed,

no matter,
the length I avoid,

My thoughts run through my head,
and when I believe they have fled,

no matter how much I exceed,
my thoughts hurt me til I bleed,

I cannot,
escape,

the world handed me,
my fate.
Haven't posted in almost a year, and just have been really sad is all.
Dec 2016 · 1.1k
maltreatment
Cat Fiske Dec 2016
car ride,*
to,
your house,
to,
your yard,
up,
the stairs,
to
your front door,
to,
enter,
to,
step inside,
to,
look around,
to,
be leaded,
up,
stairs,
to,
stop,
to,
open the door,
to,
enter,
to,
wait for you,
to,
sit with my friend,
in,
your room.
to,
watch you enter,
to,
ask you about your day,
to,
be your friend.
but,
you, lay, down,
to,
pull, me close,
to,
not, let go,
to,
get, on, top,
to,
go, down, my pants,
to,
take, off, my top,
to,
not, hear me, when I screamed,
**STOP.
i got out of their. and I am fine. just thought it would be a powerful story to share.
Dec 2016 · 754
Delilah
Cat Fiske Dec 2016
delilah was my only love,
my only escape from this world,
a drive with her was all I needed to take the edge off,
no cigarette or drug could really do the trick,
nothing really worked to clear my head,
but delilah could.

delilah was my best friend,
never lied to me,
never went behind my back,
delilah was like an angel,
used to always help me get home and back,

delilah died.
and I killed her.
someone drove us off the road,
a third of a mile from my house.
and we hit rock bottom,
before we hit the tree.

delilah died,
going under twenty.
fifteen years old,
my first real love,
my first investment to better myself,
ripped from me.

Delilah the victim of accident,
left the world,
with two flat tires,
and a bent licence plate.
we took delilah outback,
and put her out of her misery.

r.i.p. 2001-05/12/2016
Delilah, my first car. the most money I spent on anything. is gone.

Delilah was a subaru outback and my escape from the world.
Oct 2016 · 492
flames
Cat Fiske Oct 2016
I played with the flames of fire,
with the matches,
they're still burning in my hands,

you can try to drown me out,
but baby i will burn every last inch of you,
even if I have to burn the whole world for you to see.

I'll burn down with everybody,
but you caught me,
and the rain came down like it never did before,

the rain blew me out,
and I layed their weak,
and you laughed because I was me.
Oct 2016 · 406
sometimes
Cat Fiske Oct 2016
sometimes when I'm alone I cry for no reason,
so i think of reasons,
like their needs to be a purpose to cry,

sometimes I dream about the times when I used to burn myself,
so I trace over my old scars,
like touching them will rip them apart once more,

sometimes I think about dying,
so I think of who I would want to care,
and I can't seem to think of anyone who matters enough,
Sep 2016 · 399
matter
Cat Fiske Sep 2016
someone made me feel like I mattered,
and I don't know what this means.
all I know is I never felt like I meant anything,
but now maybe I matter.
Sep 2016 · 305
how happy you made me.
Cat Fiske Sep 2016
Why did I like you,
when you took the cig out of my mouth,
and pulled me down so we could make out,

What compelled me to give myself to you,
when I wasn't in the mood,
when I was speeding so I wouldn't eat food.

Why did I have control this time,
why did I chose yes over no,
could I of chose no this time.

Why did you have to treat me with respect,
because I ****** you,
because I was allowing  you to have ***,

What makes me so important,
to want to be with,
to want anything to do with.

I just wish this meant more to you.
that you understood how happy you made me,
that you just amaze me.

I don't know what to say to you.
I just love these little things about you,
ugh.
Aug 2016 · 506
Again.
Cat Fiske Aug 2016
and you came back again,
and then the thoughts come back again,
and the world turned to **** again,
and my life felt worthless again,
and the coffee tasted bitter again,
and everything was bitter again,
and the voices came back again,
and I cried in my room again,
and I pictured all my mistakes again,
and I found my old photos again,
and I forgot how much I missed being loved again,
and I remembered all the terible things you did again,
and I cried even louder again,
and then my mistakes the followed came back again,
and my eyes got weak again,
and I thought about my friends again,
and then I figured they hated me again,
and everyone hated me again,
and no one came back to save me again,
and i'm alone to save myself again,
and I don't know how to again,
and my life feels meaningless again,
and its getting so hard to hold on again,
and I don't know who I can trust again,
and I'm not okay again.
and everything was wrong again,
and this keeps happening again,
and again,
**and again
eh
Aug 2016 · 366
Alone [10w]
Cat Fiske Aug 2016
I am alone,
I pushed all the wrong people,
Away.
Aug 2016 · 756
Monster
Cat Fiske Aug 2016
I have been put in a cage,
and I feel like a slave,
their used to be others but they all got away,
and I shake and cringe,
because everything inside hurts,
all my fears and worries,
I push all forms of life away,
and I am stuck in a cage,
and their is a monster inside,
who makes sleeping unsafe,
and will make your thoughts start to shake,
and rot away at you until your crumble,
and I cannot escape,
for the monster haunts me,
even though I am alone,
the monster is upon me,
Aug 2016 · 255
Missing[10w]
Cat Fiske Aug 2016
when u go missing, u stay missing. no coming back.
Jul 2016 · 1.9k
Welding
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
The smell of you,
is like metal,
probably because you weld metal together,
as one would sew two fabrics together,
only your fabric is made of metal.
and ironically enough,
laying next to you,
the smell of you and all,
makes me wish,
to  be welded to your side,
but I am not made of metal,
and though you smell like it,
neither are you,
so I can only hope,
to keep lying like this,
for the longest while,
Jul 2016 · 467
find me
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
Most of the time you tend to leave me confused,
maybe because I know you're only here to use,
and I always end up alone,
and it hurts me down to my bones,

but still my heart seems to find someone to grab onto,
and this time its you,

I wish i could trust my heart,
but its really not all that smart,
and decisions are important when it comes to love,
its not something you can dispose of,

you have to care for it with your soul,
and its harder to do when you have no control,

Sometimes I hope that person will get here on their own,
but it seems as if they all are trapped inside stone,
and only I can find them and lead them to safety,
into fields full of daisies,

he doesn't need to be manly,
I just want to feel like I have a family,

so lost boy,
stop sending me these decoy's,
I want the right boy to find me,
so we can be happy,
Jul 2016 · 508
no. [10w]
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
You: "hey man I love you, But no ******* way."
Jul 2016 · 298
loss-t
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
when I woke up,
to the drip drip drip,
of the falling rain,
I knew what had happened,
People surrounding me,
but my mind was somewhere else,
I felt like I was missing something.
then I realized,
I was missing someone..
Jul 2016 · 608
acid
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
my tongue soaks in the spit in my mouth like its bathing in acid,
everything begins to burn in my mouth,
but I haven't had anything but water,
and the casual biting of my stubby fingernails,
I feel a little less then dull compared to the angel with greasy hat hair,
my bangs never stood a chance next to her rolled out of bed attire,
I didn't have the grace to pull a look like that off,
or well any look it seemed like,
but he clearly liked her,
and I let him have her,
and I keep the tears inside,
until his silky hair boy and the plain looking girl were gone,
and I weeped damp wet tears,
and felt like every bit of me was as bitter as battery acid,
Jul 2016 · 2.7k
Purple Skies
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
We all learned,
the grass is as green as the sky is blue,
but the sunset and sunrise seems to make this untrue.

Now I ask you,
have you heard the tale of the sky?
I can tell you for I have seen it with my eyes,

one day,
there comes a time,
where each of us begin to die,

and where does your spirit flow,
into the wind,
into the skies,

like how your blood is blue until it touches the outside,
the sky is as blue,
as the blood that swims through,

when the sun begins to leave,
the sky becomes purple to grieve ,
this is where the blue and red blood interweave,

eventually the sky goes a rosey pink
and then when the sun has left in a blink,
it gets too dark to even think,

in the night it is blackened blue,
and in the morning it becomes new,
while new souls pass back and forth,

the sky you see is our life force,
transferring lost souls,
and filling the found ones with life,

the sky has many purposes,
besides holding the sun moon and stars,
the sky lives to serve us,

the sky is full of scars,
why on tragic days the sky shines beautifully,
to show us hope is not something to of forgotten,

so now you know the story of the sky,
and you will meet with it the day you die,
and the ones you love will watch you fly.
Jul 2016 · 606
Come Inside
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
the bed is made,
the house is clean,
I don't sleep,
because your mean,

the door is shut,
the key is in your hand,
I am stuck inside,
inside your fantasy land,

our eyes are closed,
our thoughts are deep,
I open them,
and hear you weep,

your mind is lost,
my love is boundless
and we lay down together,
and are practically soundless.
Jul 2016 · 735
loss
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
Im hurting her,
by being with you,
and the more I like you,
the more I lose her,

I cant carry you both in limbo,
and I cant pick or chose one of you,
him or her,
or none for me,

my friends,
you can not leave me,
for i need you to help me stand tall,
so i cannot chose,

and know i will weep,
when one decides to cut ties,
and i hope you remember the good times,
before my heart ruined everything we had.
Jul 2016 · 1.4k
Effort
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
I went off my medication,
and went up a few sizes,
sometimes you lose the effort to try,

but when the effort returns,
maybe it will be ignored,
til a more promising day.
Jul 2016 · 428
Lost [10w]
Cat Fiske Jul 2016
Lost in thoughts
that are too big
for one mind
Jun 2016 · 846
the boy with light hair
Cat Fiske Jun 2016
the boy with light hair,
had a thin soothing voice,
that filled me with care,
and held broad shoulders underneath,
his hickey covered neck,
his adam's apple always turned me on,
and it soon became covered from my peck,
and he would return the favor,
and would hold me tight in his lanky arms,
and I'd look into the eyes of my savior,
eyes that you'd never forget in your life,
and he held me tight,
and protected me,
I knew everything was going to be alright,
the boy with light hair was mine,
and he called to tell me he loved me,
and to make sure I knew he cared,
his heart was deeper then the sea,
and he poured waves of love onto me,
he held me hand and never let go,
and pulled me in and held me close,
and if love hurt I wouldn't have known,
because it all felt so good,
until the day,
the boy with light hair,
came my way,
and threw me around his house,
saying I couldn't leave,
and he pushed me up against the wall,
and ripped my coat sleeve,
it was his,
it smelled like cats and moist hair,
and he then held me,
and told me he cared,
a day later,
he striked my face,
and then I returned it back,
and when his friend left he took me to a place,
and he picked me up and sat me down,
and punched me hard,
and I broke down,
I cradled my face in my hands,
he stared at the outcome,
and picked me up and held me close,
I laid on him as I went numb,
and the boy with the light hair,
kept pretending he loved me,
even when he would beat me,
til I begged on my knees,
and every time I was with him,
I thought it was okay,
he hurt me so much,
but i still stayed,
I didn't know the boy with light hair,
was doing bad things,
I never knew it was wrong,
I thought they were all good things,
I just didn't notice,
how he was hurting me,
the boy with the light hair and his motives,
he even went on to **** me,
and i sat their and let him do it,
everyday,
he went and ripped off my outfits,
I never questioned the boy with the light hair,
I didn't think to do so,
he did so many bad things,
I never would say no,
I just keep crying,
and staying quiet,
it was hard,
but I got by it,
and the boy with the light hair,
left me during the snow,
he mocked me,
and called me a ***,
and I called and called,
and cried to the phone,
and I cried more each time,
the operator said leave  a message after the tone,
and i begged him to call me back
but he never will,
like the call,
the boy with the light hair will never love me back,
and I cried and still do as I await his call.
Jun 2016 · 481
Problem [10w]
Cat Fiske Jun 2016
I am the problem,
that why I need to go,
Jun 2016 · 556
Silence [10w]
Cat Fiske Jun 2016
Silence,
is the loudest,
shout for help,
can't you listen?
Jun 2016 · 818
i'm just another nothing,
Cat Fiske Jun 2016
Alone in a crowded room,
at some point I have to realize,
that some people can only stay in your heart,
but not in your life,

it feels like everyone else's life is moving on,
but its as if am stuck in the hole i can't climb out of,
as the world judges me by the decisions I have made,
not remembering the options I had to chose from,

and I hate getting flashbacks,
from the past I don't want to remember,
but the past comes back as they tap my shoulders,
and force me to look back,

I never ment to depend on anyone this much,
but I need you more then the earth needs the sun,
I just want to feel that i'm important to someone.
I don't really know where I stand in others lives.

one minute i'm their everything but then i'm nothing special,
I think this is why i get so upset,
i would never do these things that people do,
to hurt me, to hurt them,

and the thoughts get me lost inside,
I will be that person everyone replaces after a while,
I didn't change for you or for me,
I guess you just never really knew me,

because you never cared enough to find out,
or cared enough to know what i'm going through,
everything happens for a reason,
but can I know the reason?

i'm just another nothing,
nothing special,
nothing worth their time,
nothing worth a soul in the world.
Jun 2016 · 791
Nothing left is real
Cat Fiske Jun 2016
I tried to hurt myself today,
to see if I could still feel,
but the pain is lost,
and nothing left is real,

I remember everything,
no relief from old ideals
just got to try to cry it away,
and still nothing feels quite real,

No bullets nor ballots,
could really fix my inner friend,
they hide away,
left unfound in the end,

Take it all away,
my blood and guts of dirt,
I can't feel a thing,
I can't make it hurt,
Jun 2016 · 930
What have I done..
Cat Fiske Jun 2016
What have I done,
to make everyone hate me,
to allow others to treat me so bad,
this is something,
only hate,
would of caused,

What have I done,
to make you all hate me so much,
because only hate,
can cause,
this kind of pain,
to make someone hurt so much,

What have I done,
to hurt everyday here,
its killing me,
inside, I know I will die,
and never come back,
only if I stay here,

What have I done,
because I want to stop,
I want to live a little bit longer,
but the pain keeps going,
I am alone with these fears,

What have I done,
Because now everybody,
hates me,
their is no one to trust here,
no soul left inside,
like theirs no one left here to save me,

What have I done,
to make you not care,
if you don't care,
as it seems to be,
then just let me,
walk out and leave,

What have I done,
to find myself here,
I need to escape,
I don't want to die here,
the odds never fall,
in my fate,

Please just Tell me,
What have I done?
Tell me, Please!
What have I done?
I Promise to stop!
What have I done?
so much pain
Cat Fiske May 2016
The neighborhood,
was quite good,
until the neighbors saw,

but I promise you it was just a humble fluke
that sadly my neighbors saw..
behind the hedges I had to puke,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

I hit their dog,
due to some fog,
and the neighbors saw,

and then our cat,
made a ****,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and then my son,
****** their daughters tongue,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and then are snake
ended up in there lake,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and the one time our dog,
ate Mrs. Millers clog,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and sometimes at night,
my husband and I fight,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and my kid screams why,
and begins to cry,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and our neighbors husband was on patrol,
and he saw me stole,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

one time I borrowed a book,
but instead I took.
and sadly the neighbors saw.

I began to sing,
and scared Mr. King,
and sadly the neighbors saw,

and I know I'm bad,
and a little mad,
and sadly the neighbors never saw,

that I was watching
and kind of stalking,
and sadly I saw...
May 2016 · 481
Nostalgic
Cat Fiske May 2016
My nostalgic mood,
does not help in getting myself separated from feelings of you,

My nostalgic heart,
is abandoned and can't restart.

My nostalgic mind,
Makes me day by day get behind,

My nostalgic corpse,
can't get its motions to get towards,

any kind of new beginnings,
because of my nostalgic thinking's.
May 2016 · 1.4k
Vermilion
Cat Fiske May 2016
I wake in a rusted copper red stained bed,
and focus my gaze though the window ahead,
to see the sun rise in a  crimson, flame, flush, shade of glow,
the view reflected in my eyes seem burnt, but cold and slow,
I see rose red flowers in the meadow,
and the shine of a rainbow,
the sea of dark pastels in a strawberry sky,
the cardinals fly,
and as I change my sight to the inside,
the fluttering spotted ladybug try to hide,
I get up and walk across the maroon hard wood floor,
until my feet finally reach the bathroom door,
and I reach a sad sight inside the white room,
the seen is diluted and blank to the view,
I raise my body in fists of hateful recklessness,
and crash my ****** fists into the mirror in elegance,
and helplessly the glass reflections fall to the floor,
and cuts me until my blood flows to the door,
the spotted ladybug hiding on the ground,
couldn't escape the fateful death as it drowned,
and I collapsed next to the bug,
and soaked my skin into the ****** rug.
and I waked to find a sea of vermilion,
acting like a chameleon,
as it laid in pools across my pale bare floors,
as something to large like a corps to ignore.
Vermilion red in my eyes,
Vermilion red stuck in my mind,
Vermilion red lives until I leave for the sky.
May 2016 · 463
The Bar Will Come Down.
Cat Fiske May 2016
I always set the bar too low for people,
as if to not get too broken when things don't work out,
but then I continue to raise the bar when it comes to me,
Setting it too high like placing my desires out of reach,
I raise myself to hold past the max of promises,
past the max I can take in my world,

I never understood why,
I thought it was smart to set my bar so high,
It keeps me from flying,
but sometimes I grab some air,
and then once I get going,
I am soaring,
until I hit the bar,
and the only soaring left to find,
is soaring down below,
getting father away from where I began,

Why do we have to fall so hard,
why do we believe we can do all these wonderful things,
when we cant even do the little things,
when sitting up in bed,
is the hardest part of my day,
and I am not praised by you or even me,
on the days I can do it on my own,
without the force of others making me do it,

that the thing I hate the most,
when your pushed so far,
when your not ready to do it,
when your not ready to move on up,
how come others expect so much for you,
when you ask for so little from them,
what gives them that right,
to put you up so ******* high,
that your never going to meet their standards,
not even half way,
what then?

Isolation creeps in,
and you shut out who you can,
and sometimes your never ready to start again,
but sometimes,
you manage to get up just enough,
as you grab the bar,
and pull yourself up,
and the bar will fall down,
to meet you at the bottom,
and help you re work your way up there.
May 2016 · 428
A Nation Built On Escaping.
Cat Fiske May 2016
Born into this world free,
at our starts,
we've been made equal,

as we grow like a flower from a seed,
our nature leads us to break away,
at the beauty that it holds so dearly,

and once we are free'd,
we have also handed over our self control,
as we start to journey into the unknown.

we join into our society,
create our communities,
as we are made one with the residents of our territories,

tallying up our ballots
to determine the majority,
and voice our opinions as one,

but what becomes of the controversy?
the Runner up to the majority?
and who has the right to cast the ballot?

only men,
only those of white skin,
only those of a prosperous breed.

Those whom are never controlled,
but wish to take the repelled as there property,
as the pursue of others seem to end in only their benefits,

imported men bound to nonnative men,
by those whom forgotten their own native skins,
Forgotten they also traveled across the sea,

and back as they force imported men over sea,
as shiploads roll in,
with the contents of labor bearing men,

The Fixed majority binds those of minority,
Women, Children and Imported men,
to their fateful aftermath,

Eventually as we grow,
The Majority begin to release their control.
The minority stands up to the ******* they with held.

They fight for their rights,
and they last for their life,
The nightmare more pleasant to handle.

They don't hold back their pressing manners,
They don't fall two steps back to only move forward one.
They don't back down to those out to damage them.

The compromise is far from completion.
as the lack of freedoms still create more conflicts,
thus having to re-compromise again,

Those bound to religion and other establishments,
creates the fear of change for men,
the resistance leads to hate,

Hate towards people who must judge on face value,
rather than seeing a person past their appearance.
to the point of formation of organizations to patronize these people more.

those who suffer from these acts,
are still stuck inside the past,
they can't be happy for something they barely have.

They suffer silently,
hopping their dreams will one day come true,
to be equal without the needs for laws to make you to,

To feel actual equality
without the labels they have been given from society,
to feel their birth given rights in effect.

Some who suffer say it's worthless to keep trying,
even though their moment ended with people dying,
The cause is worth the fulfillment of those who suffered back then,

And back then the rolls were set in stone,
where women couldn't hold their own,
but now we face men and women trying to change.

The rolls will stay the same,
and they will flip flop and duplicate,
where everyone gets a ballot to voice their say,

Where dreams that reach from sea to shining sea,
will one day be able to breathe and shine through,
But dreams don't shine through,

not all are free from their marginalization.
not all are free to make their accusations,
not all people are born into the rights of freedoms.

Our nation has defaulted and defamed their citizens,
unless inside an arms race, then we are free to die next to each other,
before attending a meal together,

our nation is built by those who ran away from oppression,
those whom tried to grant their families a new beginning,
those whom have now moved away from their old traditions,

we are trying to make room for the change,
we are trying to make room for our voices,
we have been trying to make room for our dreams,

but somewhere along they way,
our dreams have started to fade away,
as our pride as an american is declining at the fastest rate,

their are too many dreams trying to take place,
when we change this and change that,
we forget to change ourselves,

we forget our morals and views,
we have forgotten the golden rule,
we need to treat others like we would treat ourselves,

roll of child, women, man, aside,
difference of Skin, Hair, or even Eyes,
difference of heritage gender and age too,

what I do to you,
should be taken with meaning,
and If I can't respect you.

should you respect me?
The core of our problems have a trace,
attitude is desire for the outcome.

America is never going to stay the same,
day by day America and its people constantly change,
And there's no escape.
For my English final
Cat Fiske May 2016
bad designs have already been built.
on the verge of collapsing from all the guilt.
aged and longstanding no wonder we face the inevitably,
as what has been built will now dwindle away as ironically,
wilted petals will do the same,
disintegration of what we had is defamed,
a shattered frame never goes addressed,
with too many problems we just left,
but I guess maybe it was best.

we lost everything,
and still never learned anything.
we have nothing left to say.
just the rusted frame like our doorway,
we don't have to knock to be heard.
but watch your step so nobody gets burned.
because it hurts as memories flood in,
making you cry as tears scorch your skin,
you begin wondering what could of been.

and then you stop,
and drop into the doorway as you take the mats spot,
your the one fading into the wreckage,
sinking away fast before you can find a new direction.
Shattered and vanishing away,
but you never left the rusted doorway,
your looking to escape the battered zone,
you know your grown,
enough to handle the pain on your own.
May 2016 · 1.1k
Candles and Glass
Cat Fiske May 2016
Like a candle we all shrink away,
and are left in a pool of our own mess,
but I collected up the wax,
to make the broken things new,
and that's when my candle holder shattered,
and you can't fix things like broken glass,
the same way you can with old used wax,
it has to stay broken,
because you can't mend all broken things.
May 2016 · 762
Down the Old Road.
Cat Fiske May 2016
Sometimes I feel your cold fists against my cheek,
and I remember the last times we peacefully got to sleep.
Im getting weak.
as I can't get over the new smell of the newly fallen autumn leaves,
May 2016 · 686
without him
Cat Fiske May 2016
I thought he loved me,
even when he would hit me,
because I still loved him.

I want it back,
even with the bad.

I miss how he held me close.
I miss him fixing my problems.
I need him, to fix me again.

but he is gone,
because he left me,

I'm untouchable to others in the acts like love,
I'm a wreck since he packed up his bags and  just left,
I'm scared to have anyone else to love me like that.

because he took away my innocence I barely had grown to know,
I never had the time to be acquainted to my purity for he stole it,

It taken from me at age fifteen,
before I consented to love someone in that physical way,
before I knew he didn't really love me,

But he did love me. right?
that's what he had told me,

but I was made to believe a string of lies,
and when they finally un-twined,
I was left alone to wipe the tears from my eyes.

and I wonder still how it all got so bad,
How it all collapsed around me.

and it hurts to assess and see,
how he probably will be the only man to ever of loved me,
How he and I can't go back,

how I want it back,
How I hope for his phone call back,

but he never phones,
he never texts or writes,
he left me to wait for his return.

because I can only ever hope for it.
because I don't know how to continue my life.

He will never come back to me,
and I will never love someone the same,
and he will always be lingering in  my head,

until I pick up the phone,
to his overdue call.

but until then,
I can only ever imagine what would have been,
if we continued together further into life,

but for  now,
I'm stuck without him.
Apr 2016 · 664
Letter of oppression.
Cat Fiske Apr 2016
To those whom this may concern,

I am 17 years old,
I am a junior,
and I wish to be treated,
with the same respect,
I have given out,
to all faculty,
no matter the location,
I understand that in life,
not everything,
can go your way,
and people,
make mistakes,
it's part of being,
human.
I myself,
have made tons,

the difference between,
my mistakes,
and that of the regions,
is how I know to,
admit my wrong doings.
I have not once,
lied about anything,
I have done wrong,
I have been taught,
to say,
that I made a mistake,
or messed up,
but our region,
has taught me,
that when,
you mess up,
you should lie,
to save your face,
rather then admit,
to your shortcomings,

With that said,
The respect,
that I have,
given to the faculty,
has been nothing but,
respectful,
It's shocking to see,
how this region,
can not return,
that respect back,
to me and,
other students,

However,
I cannot speak,
for other students,
and I will not,
but in my own,
experience,
in the region,
it hurts me to know,
that several faculty members,
think that it's respectful,
to lie through their teeth,
about matters of where on,
the regions side,
the mistakes were made,

It's hard to perceive,
that people are lying,
when you have heard,
more variations,
of incidences and reasoning,
then you can count,
on your hands and feet,
The story you tell,
should be similar,
day to day,
week to week,
but it never is,
and the reasoning behind it,
always places the blame,
on someone else,
As I have learned,
the region likes to push blame,
onto others,
until the blame,
has been moved around,
so much the faculty,
no long know,
the lies or truths,
they have told,

I have tried,
to forget and forgive,
and when I do,
things that still,
do not work out,
or fix themselves,
like I have been promised,

I have sat though classes,
where the faculty,
egg on my classmates,
to throw the same insults,
they say, towards me,
Eventually these classmates do,
because they learn to,
from the educators in the room.

How do you punish kids,
picking on you,
saying things that only,
the faculty members,
in the confidential meetings,
are suppose to know,
When things in,
your confidential meetings,
are shared by participants,
in the meeting,
in an un-confidential setting,
as they ask you questions like,
"why can't you do this",
"why do you need more time?
Everyone else has finished,
stop being slow and get it done,
like everyone else,"
"why can't you do this,
why don't you at lest try,
come on its not that hard,
everyone else can but you,"
this would make you feel bad,
about yourself,
And the faculty,
makes the students,
think it's okay,
to say these thing to me,
like they have done,
many times before.

This is not old news,
because these are things,
that have failed to be addressed.
This is one source of trauma,
I have to keep living though.
I am tired of being,
scared and fearful,
every morning when I try,
to come to school,
because I am hoping,
nothing  bad will happen,
today or the day after,
I am stuck,
in a constant fear,
because of my un-addressed past.
Most days I can not,
ignore these fears,
and I'm lucky,
that its is not as bad,
as it used to be,
but none the less,
it's still a constant struggle.

The fact that I feel,
I can no longer trust,
some of the faculty,
in the building,
because they push me away,
during my times of struggle,
But I would hope,
at a high school level,
they wouldn't try to play me,
for a foolish little kid,
like they used to,

I'm not okay,
with people trying to,
pin me and my mother,
against each other,
The region has made me,
and my mother,
lose our relationship,
for almost a decade,
We finally have started,
to get close again,
but once again,
I see the region,
ripping my family,
to little pieces,

It reminds me,
of my third grade self,
Who didn't understand,
what was wrong with her,
and why she was treated,
so differently,
who was getting yelled at,
in school,
and then got punished,
at home,
because teachers couldn't see,
some things were hard for her,
She would pull her teeth out,
to leave the class,
and if her teeth were not loose,
she pulled her hair out,

I've been scared of school,
since I got there,
I used to *** my pants,
if someone came near me,
and said hello,
I was confused and scared,
of everything,

Yet everyone told me,
how I was stupid, and different,
and then they told me,
I was fine at the same time,
None of this,
makes much sense to me,
but would it make sense,
if it was done to you,
or if you were in my shoes,
No school system,
should tear apart,
someone's family,
and make a child,
traumatized by trying,
to learn,
like everyone else,

I'm getting tired,
of being nice and respectful,
to people who lie to me,
to cover up their own mistakes,
and I've mostly dealt with it,
with a fake smile,
across my face,
But I can no longer,
let people walk all over me,
like I'm dirt,
on the side of the road,
I will not walk away,
until I am treat and granted,
the same respect,
of that of an adult,
I'm old enough,
to know,
I have to respect the faculty,
at the school,
but they seem to have forgotten,
how to do so,

I can only change,
myself and I can not,
change anyone else,
but what I have learned,
from elementary,
through high school,
is that you have to,
cause a problem,
to get anything done,

So if I must,
throw a tantrum,
and scream and yell,
and be disrespectful,
against my own nature,
to get my point across,
so be it,
But I'd rather,
be myself,
and talk to the faculty,
at the school,
person to person,
adult to adult,
It's harder and harder,
to see who I can trust,
when the faculty,
doesn't trust me enough,
to tell me the truth,

I am 17 years old,
and a Junior in high school,
I have never been held back,
so don't treat me,
like a sophomore,
or try to hold my hand,
like I'm five years old,
I have learned to use my voice,
and speak up for myself,
This is why I'm stating,
how I feel,
I'm mature enough,
to see what really works for me,
I know better then any of you,
what works and what doesn't,
You are nothing close to me,
because I am nothing close to you,
The only thing,
that you can do for me,
is truly just treat me how,
I treat you,
so let me use my own voice,
and ask for help,
when its needed,

Please stop assuming,
you know all the answers,
to my problems,
Maybe then,
I will be less anxious,
about being in school,
Or maybe what has been done,
cannot be erased,
and I have to learn,
to deal with it,
on my own.

If that's true,
so be it,
but I'd love it if everyone
could stop trying,
to provoke my anxiety,
It would make me feel happier,
then I have in years,
All I ask of the faculty,
is for the same respect,
I give to you,
Respect is a two way road,
I've given it to you,
now it's your turn.
I sent this in email form and letter form not poem form to my school. they told me "cat if your having a problem, please stop by my office and make an appointment. Have a good weekend"
Apr 2016 · 562
I Don't Care
Cat Fiske Apr 2016
Some times,
I Feel like,
no one,
likes me,

and then,
I realise,
I don't care,

From the shaved part,
of the back of my hair,
to my toes,
I don't really care.

I don't care,
how you see me,
I don't mind it,
at all,

Just cause,
you can see,
doesn't mean,
you know,
a single thing,
about me,

just cause,
you can't open up,
your soul,

to let someone,
different in,
to let someone else,
see you fall,

to be able,
to be weak,
to be able,
to see we are,
all freaks,

but notice how less,
different,
we all are.

because blood runs,
through me,
and runs,
through you,
and everybody,

can't we try to,
use some virtues,
try to help,
each other out,

rather then,
shove everyone,
different,
to the ground.

I don't care,
about you,
from shaved part,
of the back of my hair,
to my toes,

if you're only out,
to hurt me,

But I will always leave,
my heart to my soul,
wide open,

so you can,
see me,
for me,

And I will leave,
my arms,
stretched out,
left to right,
to help anyone,
in a bad time,

And maybe,
then you could finally,
understand.
how less different,
we all are,
Its kinda a rant
Apr 2016 · 1.0k
Evergreens
Cat Fiske Apr 2016
The evergreens twist and fade away,
This only brings forth the light of day,

and in the cold night,
we will meet underneath the moon,

underneath the storms of the land,
full of evergreens gloom,

and when we meet again,
underneath the moon,

The stars will fade,
to a blackened blue,

and the moon will shine,
until the day is due,

the moon will shine,
until it's time is through,

and we see the moon,
disappear today,

like our evergreens,
who twisted and faded away,

we learn in the light of the sun,
the evergreens have left with no return,

when we cry a tear,
the sun will make them fade,

we twist as we hold each other close,
as we wish to fade away,

And the moon appears,
next to the sun,

and the evergreens come back,
to surround us and make us one,

and the stars come out,
and dust off the blackened dirt,

and we all sit inside,
of the earth,
A song I made on my uke,
Apr 2016 · 531
Time
Cat Fiske Apr 2016
Clocks spin round and round,
time goes on like the days,
as if  nothing gets better,
day by day,
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