an acceptable amount of pleasure
I close my eyes
I’m in the moment
I’m not here
It’s not you
Now I feel
The one that was before
I feel him
I smell him
I see the light
I hear the street
I miss your taste
I miss the moments after
Did you notice
I’ve been on autopilot?
There lies the abandoned park bench
We sat there a year ago
Now stained with infinite dust, rain
Pouring torrents of strange anger and
Pulsing sorrow- a heaving chest
Rising and falling , tide like crest
Certain gravity to the fall, to the fallen
Unceasing in releasing;
Fall , rise
Just universal polarity like
The one between you and me.
A hand to hold, a smile to crave,
A heart to feel, a love to cherish;
All now lies washed down
Dust in the rain
Solitary drops now remain.
An old feeling crept up on me.
I miss when you cared
In another universe we would have been soul mates, and in another we would have been best friends. Now we are neither. Just fading memories and that's okay. But sometimes I need you not to love or make love to but simply to talk to. You knew me more than anyone else. Even on the days you didn't quite love me. Maybe you could tell me what my heart wanted right now because my love life feels like a disaster. It's painful and exciting all at once and for all the wrong reasons. And I wish you were sitting next to me telling me exactly what I want. So I could disagree only to discover you were always right. That's how we worked. Or maybe that's how we fell apart. All I know now is that I don't love you anymore and that's the most liberating feeling I have ever truly known. I was trapped in this vortex of you. The one where I was determined to have you. And the problem is, the man who pulled me out of the vortex is no longer the same man making me happy. He's no longer the one making my heart twinge the way it use to for you all those years ago. But I'm wearing a ring I made engraved with forever. I'm trying to fall in love again. Because I loved him so much I swear. And I wonder if this is how you felt when we ended. When I would come over and crawl into your bed. I wonder if you tried to fall in love with me again the way I hope I fall in love with him again. And I want it known I do love him but I want to be in love. He makes me smile. But sometimes he makes me cry. Sometimes he makes me really hate myself. And I know I can be a sensitive person but I don't think he quite sees how his words break me sometimes. I want to choose him. I do. I want to say that one day too; I do. But here I am with this twinge in my heart that I'm trying to bury or force away. I tried that with you. I did. But I still ended up loving you nine long years. Tell me first love of mine. How do I say goodbye before I've said hello? How can I choose him? Because the love in his eyes remind me so much of the love I had in mine for you once upon a time.
I never thought that the person i fell in love with the most would bring me to my worst, I never thought that I would be up at 2am asking myself questions that ill never have the answer to. I never thought I would not let anyone love me because I'm afraid to let them in , so I find ways to sabotage potential lovers because I say " they were gonna leave anyway". But most importantly I never thought that 3 years later I would still think of you and wonder if you think of me too. I just wonder if your mistakes finally catched up to you. I wonder if you lose your words when someone mentions my name. I wonder if you feel lonely when you look into her eyes because her color aren't the color of mine. I forgave you a while back. I just don't think I ever forgave myself for loving you the way I deserved to be loved , I don't think I forgave myself for all the nights that I cried myself to sleep because sleeping felt so much better than having to feel the emptiness you caused when you left. I shouldn't think about you; they said. its no "good" for you. But they don't understand that I don't choose when our favorite song comes on the radio, they don't understand that certain things trigger my memory of you. Cant they understand that pain and heartbreak does that to you? I don't get to choose the day that I will never think of you again...…..
How does one fall out of love with someone who was once their entire world?
There was once a time I saw my future with you,
Traveling the world, having kids, eventually having grandkids running around our house.
Now I look at you and all I see is someone I do not know.
You used to be so sweet,
But this world has made you cruel.
I used to think I could never spend the rest of my life without you,
But now I see I cannot go on living like this.
All we are is strangers now.
Every time I look at you I see the future
Your hair a light shade of grey,
Crows feet beside your bright blue orbs
I could not imagine ever spending the rest of my life without you,
Nor would I want to
You are my first true love,
And my last
You interest me.
If only I could have come to my senses sooner.
If only I choose quality over distance.
If only I would have looked In front of me.
If only i had gotten sober sooner,
or never became an addict at all.
You simply fascinate me with every part of your soul.
It makes me sad to know that you and I will never work out now.
It makes me sad to know that ******* you,
is the only way I can get close to you again.
It makes me sad that I think sometimes and almost believe,
that you just are using me.
You make me want to learn about your life.
I want to hear about your job.
I want to hear about your day.
I want to hear about the struggles and the ups and downs.
What happened with your car.
Why did you stop wearing your cross?
I want to hear it all.
You always made me happy,
and always took care of me.
Even though I was just a friend.
Even though I lead you on.
Even though I never told you how I feel.
Even though I didn't deserve your support, or help.
You make me want to love you,
but you will never love me.
For my mistakes.
For my imperfections.
I am unsure how to feel.
I feel like I need to explain myself,
but don't know where to start or what to say.
I am to scared to push you away again.
I'm scared of ******* up.
I'm scared of it all.
But you also make me feel at peace,
while I'm also now anxious,
wanting to know what you think.
But you also never tell me how you feel or anyone really.
I want to know you.
All of you.
I want you to know who I really am.
Not the idea you have of me currently.
I had to get these feeling out
it's been a while
your cuts, they don't bleed anymore
as thick as my skin now is
looking at you wearing someone else's smile still ***** me up
to the one who ruined me to death
It has been well over a year
and I had this sudden surge of curiosity
What happened to the person whom I called my dear?
Was she happy and living in prosperity?
Or did her life fall into hardship?
You have your dream job and dream boss
Your graduation must have put the cherry on top
Our friendship could have stood the test of time
But it was turned on its' head like the flip of a dime
I still remember our last words like yesterday
and it still fills me with great dismay
The person who drove us apart is nowhere to be seen
Is that how long it has been
I also see you found new love
I hope he makes you happy, my dear Dove