my tongue soaks in the spit in my mouth like its bathing in acid,
everything begins to burn in my mouth,
but I haven't had anything but water,
and the casual biting of my stubby fingernails,
I feel a little less then dull compared to the angel with greasy hat hair,
my bangs never stood a chance next to her rolled out of bed attire,
I didn't have the grace to pull a look like that off,
or well any look it seemed like,
but he clearly liked her,
and I let him have her,
and I keep the tears inside,
until his silky hair boy and the plain looking girl were gone,
and I weeped damp wet tears,
and felt like every bit of me was as bitter as battery acid,

I thought he loved me,
even when he would hit me,
because I still loved him.

I want it back,
even with the bad.

I miss how he held me close.
I miss him fixing my problems.
I need him, to fix me again.

but he is gone,
because he left me,

I'm untouchable to others in the acts like love,
I'm a wreck since he packed up his bags and  just left,
I'm scared to have anyone else to love me like that.

because he took away my innocence I barely had grown to know,
I never had the time to be acquainted to my purity for he stole it,

It taken from me at age fifteen,
before I consented to love someone in that physical way,
before I knew he didn't really love me,

But he did love me. right?
that's what he had told me,

but I was made to believe a string of lies,
and when they finally un-twined,
I was left alone to wipe the tears from my eyes.

and I wonder still how it all got so bad,
How it all collapsed around me.

and it hurts to assess and see,
how he probably will be the only man to ever of loved me,
How he and I can't go back,

how I want it back,
How I hope for his phone call back,

but he never phones,
he never texts or writes,
he left me to wait for his return.

because I can only ever hope for it.
because I don't know how to continue my life.

He will never come back to me,
and I will never love someone the same,
and he will always be lingering in  my head,

until I pick up the phone,
to his overdue call.

but until then,
I can only ever imagine what would have been,
if we continued together further into life,

but for  now,
I'm stuck without him.

To those whom this may concern,

I am 17 years old,
I am a junior,
and I wish to be treated,
with the same respect,
I have given out,
to all faculty,
no matter the location,
I understand that in life,
not everything,
can go your way,
and people,
make mistakes,
it's part of being,
human.
I myself,
have made tons,

the difference between,
my mistakes,
and that of the regions,
is how I know to,
admit my wrong doings.
I have not once,
lied about anything,
I have done wrong,
I have been taught,
to say,
that I made a mistake,
or messed up,
but our region,
has taught me,
that when,
you mess up,
you should lie,
to save your face,
rather then admit,
to your shortcomings,

With that said,
The respect,
that I have,
given to the faculty,
has been nothing but,
respectful,
It's shocking to see,
how this region,
can not return,
that respect back,
to me and,
other students,

However,
I cannot speak,
for other students,
and I will not,
but in my own,
experience,
in the region,
it hurts me to know,
that several faculty members,
think that it's respectful,
to lie through their teeth,
about matters of where on,
the regions side,
the mistakes were made,

It's hard to perceive,
that people are lying,
when you have heard,
more variations,
of incidences and reasoning,
then you can count,
on your hands and feet,
The story you tell,
should be similar,
day to day,
week to week,
but it never is,
and the reasoning behind it,
always places the blame,
on someone else,
As I have learned,
the region likes to push blame,
onto others,
until the blame,
has been moved around,
so much the faculty,
no long know,
the lies or truths,
they have told,

I have tried,
to forget and forgive,
and when I do,
things that still,
do not work out,
or fix themselves,
like I have been promised,

I have sat though classes,
where the faculty,
egg on my classmates,
to throw the same insults,
they say, towards me,
Eventually these classmates do,
because they learn to,
from the educators in the room.

How do you punish kids,
picking on you,
saying things that only,
the faculty members,
in the confidential meetings,
are suppose to know,
When things in,
your confidential meetings,
are shared by participants,
in the meeting,
in an un-confidential setting,
as they ask you questions like,
"why can't you do this",
"why do you need more time?
Everyone else has finished,
stop being slow and get it done,
like everyone else,"
"why can't you do this,
why don't you at lest try,
come on its not that hard,
everyone else can but you,"
this would make you feel bad,
about yourself,
And the faculty,
makes the students,
think it's okay,
to say these thing to me,
like they have done,
many times before.

This is not old news,
because these are things,
that have failed to be addressed.
This is one source of trauma,
I have to keep living though.
I am tired of being,
scared and fearful,
every morning when I try,
to come to school,
because I am hoping,
nothing  bad will happen,
today or the day after,
I am stuck,
in a constant fear,
because of my un-addressed past.
Most days I can not,
ignore these fears,
and I'm lucky,
that its is not as bad,
as it used to be,
but none the less,
it's still a constant struggle.

The fact that I feel,
I can no longer trust,
some of the faculty,
in the building,
because they push me away,
during my times of struggle,
But I would hope,
at a high school level,
they wouldn't try to play me,
for a foolish little kid,
like they used to,

I'm not okay,
with people trying to,
pin me and my mother,
against each other,
The region has made me,
and my mother,
lose our relationship,
for almost a decade,
We finally have started,
to get close again,
but once again,
I see the region,
ripping my family,
to little pieces,

It reminds me,
of my third grade self,
Who didn't understand,
what was wrong with her,
and why she was treated,
so differently,
who was getting yelled at,
in school,
and then got punished,
at home,
because teachers couldn't see,
some things were hard for her,
She would pull her teeth out,
to leave the class,
and if her teeth were not loose,
she pulled her hair out,

I've been scared of school,
since I got there,
I used to *** my pants,
if someone came near me,
and said hello,
I was confused and scared,
of everything,

Yet everyone told me,
how I was stupid, and different,
and then they told me,
I was fine at the same time,
None of this,
makes much sense to me,
but would it make sense,
if it was done to you,
or if you were in my shoes,
No school system,
should tear apart,
someone's family,
and make a child,
traumatized by trying,
to learn,
like everyone else,

I'm getting tired,
of being nice and respectful,
to people who lie to me,
to cover up their own mistakes,
and I've mostly dealt with it,
with a fake smile,
across my face,
But I can no longer,
let people walk all over me,
like I'm dirt,
on the side of the road,
I will not walk away,
until I am treat and granted,
the same respect,
of that of an adult,
I'm old enough,
to know,
I have to respect the faculty,
at the school,
but they seem to have forgotten,
how to do so,

I can only change,
myself and I can not,
change anyone else,
but what I have learned,
from elementary,
through high school,
is that you have to,
cause a problem,
to get anything done,

So if I must,
throw a tantrum,
and scream and yell,
and be disrespectful,
against my own nature,
to get my point across,
so be it,
But I'd rather,
be myself,
and talk to the faculty,
at the school,
person to person,
adult to adult,
It's harder and harder,
to see who I can trust,
when the faculty,
doesn't trust me enough,
to tell me the truth,

I am 17 years old,
and a Junior in high school,
I have never been held back,
so don't treat me,
like a sophomore,
or try to hold my hand,
like I'm five years old,
I have learned to use my voice,
and speak up for myself,
This is why I'm stating,
how I feel,
I'm mature enough,
to see what really works for me,
I know better then any of you,
what works and what doesn't,
You are nothing close to me,
because I am nothing close to you,
The only thing,
that you can do for me,
is truly just treat me how,
I treat you,
so let me use my own voice,
and ask for help,
when its needed,

Please stop assuming,
you know all the answers,
to my problems,
Maybe then,
I will be less anxious,
about being in school,
Or maybe what has been done,
cannot be erased,
and I have to learn,
to deal with it,
on my own.

If that's true,
so be it,
but I'd love it if everyone
could stop trying,
to provoke my anxiety,
It would make me feel happier,
then I have in years,
All I ask of the faculty,
is for the same respect,
I give to you,
Respect is a two way road,
I've given it to you,
now it's your turn.