A lighter in my hand
Cigarette in the other

My mouth hurts like knives
And my stomach eats at my insides

The tiny stick catches flame
And smoke rises with my pain

I inhale the relief and waste
And whatever else it contains

It’s a tiny minute fire
Like my dying desire

To die in a six foot deep ditch
With nothing but my pack of cigarettes

And a busted overused lighter
I hope it catches my body on fire

When dirt covers my rotting corpse
And flora starts to grow

Don’t put a gravestone over me
For I do not have a name to be known

By the world the flora and fauna and sun
It can’t get me anymore it can’t make me want to run

I hope flowers grows over my body despite the fumes
Like the smoke and soot that I consume

I love you more than anything.
Now,
           I’m breaking apart to the
                                                        ground.

I’m wasting my minutes
                                            And hours,
                                                                  And days
                                                                                      And weeks
                                     Andmonthsandyearsand—

I love you more than anything.
How,
          could you be so
                                        everything,
                                                              anything.
How
          could you love
                                      someone,
                                                        something
                                                                            like me?

Do you, too,
Look up at someone close
And wonder
How
They go about their journey
Without you?

Do you
Feel like you’re staring
Through frosted glass
At
some stranger
Who’s face
You’ve seen before?

Do you look up at the
Sky,
And see not a single
Star?

Do you
feel like you’re
Too close
To someone
you really love
But never really
Knew.

Do you?

Do you?

Is it just me
Or
do you,
too?

What if I’m not enough
for
  you?
I know that I’m not enough
For
  You.
Is it too much to ask
For praise,
  a smile,
   a laugh?
But I’m met with silence
And it’s breaking me down
When will it be okay?
When will you at least
glance at me to say
That I’m anything worth
acknowledging?
Is my effort in vain?
Am I walking the wrong direction,
Or was there never a right path in the
First place?
Do you hear anything I plead,
Or was I never talking to you at all?
To a brick wall?
No,
To the empty expanse of void where there’s
  No
   one
To hear my words
Except myself
I want to hear your voice
But I can’t
Because at this point
I can’t hear anything.
Not because I’m deaf
But because you were right
And I got tired of my own
                                                Voice
But for my sake,
For my life’s sake,
Is it too much to ask
That you’ll wait for me at the end of the tunnel
And tell me
That that light
Was ever a chance worth taking?
Or
Was it never meant
for me at all?

Sometimes nothing feels real
  Like I’m floating in some fever dream
     And unable to heal
          I gaze at the stars and think

                What if it’s all faux
                         What if it is all a dream?
                                      But it feels like I’ve stooped too low
                                                 To wait around and see

                                                                   Play around and
                                                                see

                                                                                Maybe it was never real
from the start

       Maybe the only thing fake was a part
                  Of
Me.

I don’t know what
love
is
When I can’t even bring
myself
To love someone
else
who loves
Me

As self-centered as it is
I can't help but stray
away
And hold myself back from that

Heartbreak

And


Grief

It’s killing
Me

And
I want nothing more
than to be
close to someone
That will hold me
close
like in all those
sappy portrayals
Of love,

But it doesn’t
come

I lay around


And wait for something
New.

Another year rolls
around.
Another step into the world,
out

there it is,
there it stays.

In front of me,
and I think;

What to do, what’s anew?
I could step into the downpour
and let the rain
fall down on me.

But I sit at home
Lay down
and let my mind wander.

What to do, what’s anew?

A million empty promises
I won’t see through.

I know the end;
like the harsh shine of the sun,
and the soft glow of the moon.
One comes around,
and the other turns away.
Like a grand finale,

into a fresh, new start.

I know the end;
like coastal waters.
Rushing to the shore
and drifting away,
bringing when it returns

cold tsunami, or gentle wave.

I know the end;
like a distant friend
that laughs over the phone,

sometimes you never meet again.

I know the end,
it’s closer than one can see.

But after the end,


comes a new beginning.

If I can’t love like you
Won’t you love me too?
I don’t really know
how to show

That I care

That I want
To be
That person in your life

That makes you smile

That makes you laugh

That makes you feel

Better

But I can’t do much
But burn your
pretty skin

And break your
pretty heart

And wish I was
like you.

I’m not some ******* up *******
Wanting to suffer
And insult myself
For the

Sake of it—

I just sit around and. Regret

Because why would I make the right
Choice while I can

“?”


It’s an endless loop
That I can’t break out of,
It’s an endless loop

That

I can’t cope
With the consequences
Of my actions

And it’s not like I want to
die.

Maybe.
Somehow.

I know my death won’t solve all my problems.

If I had a wish, it would be
to walk the moon or hold the stars,
to venture Mercury or Mars.

If I had a wish, it would be
to wander across the ocean
and sail the seven seas.

If I had a wish, it would be
to overcome my fears
and conquer all my dreams.

And if I had a wish,
from a genie or a shooting star,

I reach out for it,
oh,
so
far.

I stand on a cliff,
at the edge of the world.
Letting the wind and the sky envelop

me.

I run for it.
I run for the adrenaline and the life.
The ground breaks beneath
my feet

I float with the air,
the sun is in my hands.

The world crumbles.
Nevermind,
the stars still look after me

even as I
awake.

My insides smell like
Cinnamon

But taste
like
wilted

flower petals;
Dry,
bland,
Dead, gone,
Desaturated colours
in my pupils

I melt into a pile of ash in
The ground

With the rest of the infertile soil,
With the insects
With the lush green grass
and the birds
and their nests full of twigs
And chirps
And songs
And hums
And sounds
That echo
That resound
That stay
That fly

With the sky.
Buried with my name.

Until it turns to night,

Then the
moon
and
stars

come out

And
I

Hide

A

W

A

Y

.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for something more.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for someone more.

I long for something out there
to make me
the vision of myself that I want to see.

But roads will wind and twist and turn.
There’s no way to go back,

I fear.
No way to change the person I’ve become.

A million regrets,
a million setbacks,
there’s everything that I would change.

I don’t know everything,

I don’t know anything,

all I know is I’m me.

And maybe

that’s all I need.

Happiness comes from
somewhere

far away


Happiness comes from
what the world could not stave

For I reach out to the light

but inside I find
nothing but a reflection
I face
no comprehension

and I reach out again
with

nothing;

in my hand,
my heart,
my soul,
my self,

unbeknownst of the answer
I already
held.