I am a good person but I do bad things sometimes
Complicated I may be
I am beautifully disastrous
You can see it in my eyes
Human
I'm imperfect
I struggle
I'm ME

Maybe our relationship would have been better
If you had gone down to Idaho
Maybe you would not have changed into
This person I barely know

Maybe you would have been different inside
Willing to put up with me
Not this guy who is trying to mold
Me into the shape he wants me to be

Maybe you would still be madly in love
Maybe you would not have left me alone
Maybe you would still feel how
You did when you surprised me with that phone

You stayed, and this is how it worked out
This is the price I pay for needing you
I got exactly what I wished for but
Now I wish it hadn't come true

Tears rain onto cheeks as you watch
In my head wheels spin around
Speech crackling like phone line static
Words blurs barely making sound
How can it be I already epitomize alone?
You reassure me there's plenty of time
Doubts creep like morning fog
Mentally assessing mountain you must climb
Staring at fragile fingers
Present compared to past
Sun set in an instant
Night falling fast
Surroundings mostly hazy
Some parts crystal clear
Ironically what I witness best
Are the things I long to disappear
I'm left with knot in my stomach
Getting tighter with each turn
Wanting peace known as a child
Naivete time won't return
I bought one-way ticket to worry
Shouldn't have boarded train at all
Choke my sorrows and lungs with smoke
Drown yours in alcohol
Life nicer through a glass
Sure it ensures your fear departs
Pulse started pounding louder in my ear
Love wistfully contained within hearts
I cannot explain terror
Bleeding out
Hole will not close
Stubborn ways too old to change
Your incongruence shows
Forcing hope straight down throat
Waiting for falsity to be revealed
Flowers you planted instead of weeds
To be crushed on cruel battlefield
Your comfort tonelessly whispers to me
Thought that would soothe my stress
Did not argue with your perspective
For your sake try obsessing less
But under surface shrieking
Phrases pondered remaining hid
Grasping for method to save you
Before you are gone and I wished that I did

Fear you will not get over me
Tip-toeing around things you don't want to see
It is the truth you need to discover
No longer am I your devoted lover
I can pretend but that doesn't seem fair
You deserve a person who shows they care
All I do is bring you pain
Make decisions that puzzle your brain
I change like pennies, quarters, and dimes
Break promises in a matter of time
This is who I have become and will be
You have to move on so you can be free

Everyone I am surrounded by believes
There is someone up above
I cannot and will not believe
In a god that has shown no love

Where was he when I needed a friend to hug?
I have spent countless hours in prayer
Not once have I heard or seen
A sign to signal he was there

I have wailed out to him in agony
Pain reflected in loud cry
Waited for an answer
Silence was my only reply

I have thanked him for the good things
Worshipped him singing songs
Asked to cleanse me of my sins
Forgive me for my wrongs

What have I got in return
Nothing that i have seen so far
So how come i am the only one
Who sees you, what you truly are?

False figment of imagination
You were invented by a book
Sold to humans who were too foolish
To bother with a second glance or look

They say God loves each one of his children
Its clear he only loves a portion
He despises all homosexuals
And every girl who has had an abortion

It seems every Christian I meet
Forces conservative agenda on me
Shove beliefs down my throat
I hate Christianity!

Answers I seek cannot be found there
Not in search of some holier light
Moral compass I stand behind is sound
Hesitation is what I am hoping to incite

The word of god is abused as a weapon
A tool to inflict suffering, pain
It is an excuse to use, torment and wound
When they do it for personal gain

Religion filled with hypocrites
Sinners playing the part of saints
This short list I have compiled
The start of many complaints

Bible's presence found in hotel rooms and court hearings
The "good" books appearance is why my arguement rages
Old testament, new testamant, it doesn't really matter
It's all simply words on ancient pages

I am indecisive
Also insecure
Tentative
Too tender
Why?
Not sure
Alive in birthing of a new dawn
Voice of comfort I can no longer depend upon
I tremble in your presence like a motor purring
The night's stillness within evokes stirring
Ripple leaves with a single breath
I contemplate my inevitable death
Am awash in flood of bitter loneliness
Crave a connection but receive no caress
Like wilderness mind is hard to navigate
Like music memory where I go to escape
Like pulsing rivers thoughts rapidly flow
My veins flooded as they roam to and fro
Like wind's whistle heartbeat won't stop
Edges of words poke lungs till they pop
Sing sorrows in a pleasant melody
Grim lyrics harmonize in major key
Your fingertips left invisible prints on skin
Constant reminder that you always win
And though agony is difficult to take
Will bend but refuse to fully break

They tell us we won't make it
We've wasted too much time
Was so much love between us
There's only walls to climb

You call me your babe
Call phone
Parents just call me dumb
They won't ever listen
A stranger I've become

I've heard it a million times
Each warning in the book
Analyzed situation for hours
You won't take a second look

I don't blame friends for being concerned
If it was me I'd do the identical thing
They should know I need belief in me
Not a phone I just let ring

The more I am smothered by my mom
More I want to defy
Given them answers for my reasons
They continue asking
"Why?"

Now I don't bother
Just tune their voices out
What is the point in talking?
All we do is shout

They're trying to protect skin
Heart from being broken
What they aren't seeing is in doing so
Lose me with each cruel word spoken

And I pull further from your reach
Don't know how to make you realize
I seem to be getting nowhere like this
Open up with honesty
Simply say my words are lies

"Be patient"
Beg you silently
Need time to get my life on track
True independence discovered through own decisions
Once free I'll be able to fully love you back

If I died tomorrow you would be filled with regret
For how you've treated me and made me upset
Then why speak to me the way you do?
When I show nothing but respect to you
What's important?
Family or friends?
Fact you choose the latter offends
The adoration showered onto you-know-who
Makes it hard trusting your point-of-view
Your judgement clouded by superficial attraction
Everyone else gets only a fraction
Of effort you pour into her
Clear which company you'd prefer
Living for her prosperity
No matter the cost
In the end it will be worth the people you have lost
Focused on her favor
Nothing counts more
In return presented her body to explore
Lust over loyalty to those you purportedly love
At least evidence found that during *** you wear a glove
Life is short make sure your decisions aren't made with haste
Do not wait to learn until consequences are faced
Bending backwards to see her smile
In response I rarely see her go the extra mile
She spends money on you
She has dollars to spare
You reciprocate when you don't have enough to share
She has boyfriend
Couple extra on the side
You are one more in rotation
Along for the ride
She's the only girl in which I see you choose to invest
You are an option like all the rest
I maybe wrong
Looking from outside in
This my opinion that I've been holding within
I want you to have all you deserve
Not someone using for a purpose that you serve
And infatuation is making you blind
Closing off to potential romance to find
You put her needs above those longer known
Hell
You put them in front of your own
To say you are whipped putting it lightly
Have more lashes than a slave beaten nightly
When she tells you to jump you reply "how high?"
"How far?"
"How fast?"
Without inquiring why
It makes me sick witnessing how you've changed
Your body for a ventriloquist dummy has been exchanged
Every sentence spoken aloud matches her voice
You pretend as if it stems from your choice
As she is perfect and can do no harm
******* with thieves doesn't raise an alarm?
Do you think she had no clue
What Brian that loser was up to?
Then lying about when you dared to ask
You forgive her though she never took off that mask
Then when tables turn blow things out of proportion
As if both have never taken something
Whether theft or extortion
If you consider that stealing
What about CATs?
Cut off all the vehicles
Did you forget about that?
It makes zero sense
Do whatever you like
We do similar action and you pretend we're not alike
Just waiting for opportunity to take her side
Letting all their indiscretions slide
Contradictions all over every single spot I look
How can you not take into account all the **** THEY took?
I hear no difference except we were intercepted
Doesn't mean our losses should be accepted
Felt unfairly treated because Dan's vehicle damaged
Plus plethora of tools and miscellaneous items that were ravaged
The devastation inflicted upon our property
Amounts to thousand times more than the two items or three
That we grabbed believing it was trash like everything else scattered
Amidst mountains of garbage hard to tell what truly matters
Darkness floods hard when I stare at the ground
I take in the destruction evident all around
It honestly causes stomach to churn sick
Inside brain how does none of that click?
Tried explaining but obviously you don't care
Why should you?
You are not the one who should be living there
To you I'm a fly buzzing in your ear
Only opinion holding weight is Sierra's
That much clear
Her complaints push and pull incurring immediate reaction
Last thing on your love-struck mind is MY satisfaction
You don't take sentences I utter seriously
Shrug off my concerns with a wave
Don't give a **** about me
**** pottery wheel
My future habitat
Daniel's possessions
Who cares about that?!
If unimportant to her it's not meaningful to you
Nothing I do or say can change your point-of-view
You can continue being a hypocrite
Do not expect you to change
Love for you is unconditional
Unlike yours
Cannot be exchanged
Treat me however you consider justified
At least now aware of these syllables I've kept inside
Let me know when you receive ***** back
From around her neck or contained in her backpack
Wherever stashed along with dignity
I'll be happy having my dad back when you are finally free
From self-imposed servitude I'm finding you in
Until day comes I suppose she wins
I do not hate her
How could I despise her for your choice?
You're mimicking her ideas
Verbalized with your voice
And ultimately you have the power to decide
Fear of her absence reason you haven't defied
Either that or brain is fully washed clean
To disillusioned to peek through the smoke-screen
Maybe your head too far up her ***
Discombobulated inhaling noxious gas
Your idolization prevents you thinking straight
All for a person you can't even date
You put your world down just so you can pick hers up
Draining yourself in order to fill her cup
I want to see you become the best you can be
And fear you'll never achieve that if you don't listen to this plea
I'm not expecting to drop her from your life
Simply yearn for you to stop doting as if she is your wife
Hate bringing this up but Mom is surely rolling in her grave
Would beat your *** if she witnessed how you recently behave
I don't recall you being so obsessed with her
Give anything to go back in time to how things were
If she was alive I can with certainty guarantee
If she listened to both perspectives with mine she'd agree
She wouldn't in the first place allow **** to get this far
You and I too acquiescent
Why things are how they are
She would demand you step up and take a stand
Kick them out BEFORE their hoarding got out of hand
But since she bears big ***** and an alright face
Sat by while they took advantage and ruined that space
She'll never amount to half the woman mom was when she was here
Why is her name put on a pedestal and revered?
I suspect you'll never love anyone else the same way
When it came to her requests you didn't hesitate to disobey
I count on one hand the number of times I have heard
Regarding Sierra mouth breathe a negative word
It appears according to you she can do no wrong
With mom had so much trouble getting along
It ***** like betrayal watching you adore
You have the right to be happy once more
But why's that involve a girl half your age?
Is that only method you can use to turn the page?
I cannot help but doubt mom would approve
Her nagging voice in my head will never be removed
So why are you chasing some ***** around?
In mind do you not also hear that sound?
She always was suspicious of connection between you two
She's gone and it appears her suspicions were true
You may not have acted on impulses until she was dead
I feel bad for assuring her it was all in her head
She turned out being correct
A surprise
It is on her behalf that I criticize
She would also ensure you actually followed through
On promises you vowed to me too
Like when you swore I could have the other car
Go back on your word the second we start to spar
Holding leverage over head
A power trip
Threatening to cut me off
Quickly you flip
Don't make offer if it comes with contingencies
Revoking it as soon as some part of you disagrees
With something or other I do or say
Declare commitment then take it back the next day
You're supposed to support because we're family
Not only convenient or if we agree
But will be here for you no matter what
Even if a stubborn pain in the ****
Just yearned to let you know all the thoughts inside my brain
The only way I could think of to explain
No matter what love you to the end
Good will is honestly what I do intend
I miss the way things used to be
Hope that maybe this poem will help you see
I had to write heart onto paper and be real
Now you can comprehend why I feel like I feel

It wasn't that long ago
At least it feels that way
Though three years have passed
It seems like yesterday

We haven't exchanged words since then
Though I yearn to once in awhile
I wonder if you are happy now
It was rare to see you smile

You would always put up a fuss
Whether the issue was big or small
Mood would spike then drop back down
Like a game of volleyball

Laughter was a hidden treasure
Seldom heard from your direction
Your negativity would fester and grow
Then spread like an infection

I tired of your constant critique
Hearing you consistently curse
Instead of taking responsibility
Blamed your problems on the universe

Honestly it was ******* my heart
Difficult to be your friend
Some of your words sliced me deep
Leaving wounds that still won't mend

I tried to understand your motive
But your walls are made of concrete
After countless attempts to scale their heights
I finally admitted defeat

A little part of me is ashamed
That my efforts were not enough
But it was your choice to shut the world out
Pride forcing you to act tough

I didn't know how to help you
So I ended up giving you space
Sure that our friendship was sacred
A bond you could not replace

You covered up your true feelings
With silent eyes cast toward the ground
Kept your judgement a secret
Even when (in need) you came around

If you cared you would have shared concern
Talked to me one-on-one
Yet you waited until the right moment
To rip me open in front of everyone

You intentionally caused me harm
Tried to make me look bad
Out of nowhere trashed my name
With no reason to be had

That was where I drew the line
Blocked your facebook account
After apologizing first
More times than I can count

Finished being the better person
Taking blows to my pride
Convincing myself that you were worth it
Actually different inside

If I mattered to you at all
You would have confessed you were wrong
But you never have and you never will
I had put up with your **** far too long

Although I miss your presence
Those nights I cannot sleep
Your selfishness drove me away
So for you I dare not weep

You were my best friend forever
But forever ended too fast
Now the only love between us
Is love shared in the past

I bet you feel fine
Bet you do not hurt at all
Seem better than me

Enjoy every minute you are alive
Bad as well as the good
Bits of happiness wait to be mined
That make life as it should

They said happiness cannot be bought
Please believe that's correct
Leave me peace and thought
To quietly reflect

Another day
Little things
Say "thank you" and "please"
Feel so up and down like swings
Alone with memories

I say be thankful for all
That is fine if you don't agree
Value each moment
No matter how small
They all hold importance to me

I am broken but no longer sad
I only want what I lack
I will not sleep until I'm whole again
And love I had comes back

I am not the same pathetic girl
You used to console when blue
I found a friend in sweet silence
Solitude more enjoyable company than you

Our romance was unforgettable, that's true,
However fake it was to you,
A stranger now who i once knew,
Barely recognize eyes so blue.
Each moment a memory now that you're gone,
Living without you feels all wrong,
Trying to be brave but days seem long,
Every sunrise brings a new chance to move on,
But time won't let me forget your name,
Feel like I'm caving under weight of this pain,
Have no hand to hold, I am going insane,
Can't force your image outta my brain.

HOOK:
Memories far too dear to let go,
Time heals wounds, at least they tell me so,
I know happiness I will eventually find,
There are better days coming than left behind.

Life no longer brings flashbacks, memories made,
Free to grow now, but too afraid.
We both have changed, glad I didn't stay,
I am with someone else, you moved away.
I still think about you now and then,
What would have happened if we didn't end?
If I wasn't stuck with this broken heart to mend?
If we could, would you choose to start over again?
Treat me right second time around?
Keep my heart protected, sound?
Give it reason to pump blood and pound?
Would you still smash my feelings into the ground?

(HOOK)

Dwelling on the past will not lead to happiness,
What is done is done, no need to second-guess,
Let go of memories weighing heavy on your chest,
It might hurt right now, but I swear it's for the best.

(HOOK)

If you try being a better man
And fail
At least you gave it a shot
Something to be said about formulating a plan
The majority of people do not

Maybe we are both better off this way
Then again perhaps not
Who is to say?
Soon you will forget everything about me
With exception of my name and what you thought we would be
But it is impossible for for me to do that too
I will always care too deeply for you
I've come to the conclusion you are happier now
Albeit I cannot quite comprehend how
Back when together I could tell I meant to you the most
In my present exist only as a gnawing ghost
A wall bloomed between
Was completely unaware
Too late I finally opened my eyes and saw it there
New emotions have taken root in your heart
Resulting in us being driven even further apart
I wonder if you love her more than you used to love me
Why it has to hurt so bad to set the things you cherish free

I want to save you
I want to be your hero
But I can't this time

The universe is not as big as it seems
It is bigger

I built a tower, locked away my heart
Saw a chance to protect my love
All alone, a birdseye view
Deeply isolated so high above

No one will ever find it here
Want to keep it that way
Though it does get lonely
Some point during the day

Afraid to grant my heart freedom
Live a life of cautious dread
Intentions were for it to be safe
Is my concern harming it instead?

I am used to this behavior
Can handle it most of the time
Blame it on your addiction
Excuse each careless crime

Consumed by selfish desires
Try our hardest to succeed
We don't seem to be capable
Of being what the other one needs

Don't want to spend my life
Chasing after half-hearted attention
Had enough of secretive ways
Living in continuous suspension

Empty days filled with lies
Make me question everything
The sky knows you better than I do
How real is your flimsy suffering?

Feel this is all a game
It is wrong to play my heart
You are apart from me the majority of the time
The one emotionless from the start

You swear I am the one
Argue the point you love me more
There are times you treat me like
Just another dope *****

Know you care for me deeply
Can feel it when we kiss
I know from experience you'll find
Someone to provide temporary bliss

Wish my face consumed your thoughts
Wish I was what you longed for the most
The one thing that will always come first
Ahead of me; your next dose

You assure I am all you want and more
Why do you talk to other girls?
Is it because you sell them ****?
Or are they prettier with hair that curls?

Each time I feel used and neglected
Blame it on your habit
Tumbling down a dark endless hole
Following a cursed white rabbit

What if it isn't the drugs
Causing your interest to fade out?
I need to accept your priorities
I will never be what you care more about

As the blame lies on the world
Stray light appears then quickly goes
Rung of trust on the ladder breaks
Feather falls and the truth shows

I am bleeding out inside
Painfully torn apart
I wear a mask each day
Hiding my broken heart

The world I had with you is over
This time we are done for good
I won't forget the magic
Even if my brain could

Pessimistic I have always been
I'm being honest
More
Becoming more bitter and sad
Since second you walked out the door

I see truth so clearly now
In the open for everyone to view
Sensed it under the surface for awhile
Convinced myself it wasn't true

Difficulty harasses at each turn
Am unable to function at all
Too exhausted to carry weight of the planet
I collapse to the ground and crawl

In each direction lies certain failure
Nowhere safe to go
I spin circles in our small spot
Consumed by vertigo

Opportunity passed me by
Is never coming back
Too much time wasted on you
I can't get my life on track

The optimist sees glass half-full
Never really was my perspective
Looking on the bright side of things
Proved being ineffective

In each challenge thrown my way
Fight for success with no luck
By my overwhelming weakness defeated
Lack of self-assurance has me stuck

The chance I had at happiness
Blew and so you're moving on
I don't know who's fault it truly is
All I'm sure of is that you're gone

I will never again say "Baby" instead of "Paul"
This body will not be yours
Days of blissful chaos are over
Had my fill of slamming doors

The world holds endless possibilities
Not one close to my true desire
Freedom may have been my decision
Was broken until my trust retired

It hurts more than I could believe
Sincerity in your eyes
Wish I could remove my heart
Before it is exposed to your lies

I'm my mother's blood and bone
Features on my face are shown
Identical birthing hips
More alike the more I have grown  

And same bit of mischief is harbored in my eyes
In a slightly browner shade to focalize
Motionless in front of reflection transfixed
Cannot help but overanalyze

But on a binge of self-pitying despair
How can I mosey forward with only memories there?
Similarities between are reminders everywhere I turn
Her soul absent and I am all too aware

It comes and goes in undulations of pain
Lost in labyrinth lurking in my brain
Crippled by spilled love that will never return
Only empty echoes within broken heart remain

And give my body the beating deserved

The sadness it's had coming since the get-go
I've been fortunate enough to avoid it for the most part
It's only grazed me til now

To write again I need wounds so that I may dip my pen in the blood to spell out my tragedy in bright red ink

****** reds
Broken blues
Heaven I want
Hell I choose
A menagerie of scars maps surface of skin
Eternity mocking every sin
Dawn overtakes darkness each day
Shining light inside is conquered by dismay
My heart is armored to protect from getting hurt
Harbor of regret hidden under my shirt
The birdsong becoming constant serenade
Along with the stars
Notes soon will fade
Watching windows
Don't dare crack my door
Bones too delicate to endure elements anymore
An ocean of fears drowning head
Scared to face future
I crawl into a hole instead
These evenings cannot seem to escape the shadow on my heels
Could never explain how immense every single problem feels