Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Amanda Kay Burke Dec 2019
How do I change?
I want to give up
Things have been this way for so long
Tried before but I'm not strong enough
Maybe I've been doing it wrong

I am only human after all
The gutter for me is home
I get so used to the fall
Ground becomes a place unknown

Beautiful but don't know it
Mind not able to see
The sky from where I sit
Full of shame
Somehow still empty

When I watch loneliness take its toll
(It's quite a hefty amount)
Weak throughout my entire soul
Not one part without

Remember it is darkest right before dawn
If no light can be seen
Things that frighten in shadows on the lawn
Come morning will feel like a dream

Made it through most terrible storms
Because I survived
Witnessed Lucifer take on many different forms
Each time he dies
Another revived

Can tell the difference between right and wrong
The good and evil overlaps and combines
Can go forward but only for so long
I get lost cause I can't read the signs

I wanted to be much more
Felt I had the capability
There still is hope that it's not too late for
Me to blossom into the flower meant to be
Trying to channel my feelings into something productive but it's hard
Amanda Kay Burke Dec 2022
Christmas is around the corner
I can't stop myself from feeling blue
Vainly trying to channel holiday cheer
It's just not merry without you
It's a white Christmas up here in AK but my heart is still so blue
Amanda Kay Burke Jun 2017
Blue lines on paper,
Are too parallel for me,
They cramp my style.
Amanda Kay Burke Apr 2020
It feels like particles are peeling apart
Connecting
Separating as they please
There is undeniable space growing in my heart
Observable to who peeks and sees

Fate to blame I have no doubt
Touching tears that won't mend
Beneath skin circuits start to short-out
Barriers between emotions blur and blend

Real is rare so bare all imperfections
Fake the majority of what others share
Everywhere I go is overdissection
Judgement is blatantly unfair

Which only adds to distress
Taken without one sound
Cork up inconvenient emotions unless
They overflow
Then I'm drowned

You cannot imagine what it's like
Kills self-esteem to reflect
Each time negativity strikes
Is impossible to correct

Bottle after bottle emerges emptied
Sink in a sea of distraction
Forever smoky air will not recede
Chilly dreams prevent satisfaction

None of our dreams visible anymore
What are we doing wrong?
Many bad decisions
Too many to ignore
I guess failure's where we belong

We will never be proud living like this
We are in darkness's constant shadow
Sins overtake any chance we have at bliss
Dragging troubles in tow

Trust we will be able to grow
Takes years to heal wounds deep
Bridges over teardrops that flow
Seconds wasted we could not keep

To conclude
Retain a sliver of hope
Though happiness may be lost
I build and maintain ways to cope
Stay warm amidst the permanent frost
Meh..
Amanda Kay Burke Feb 2018
Sometimes I enjoy life more
When my view is hindered by tears
The edges of images blur
Like mascara, how the world smears.

I like it better out of focus;
My vision, my goals, my dreams
When it's blurry it's easier to pretend
The pain in my heart isn't as bad as it seems.
I originally started this with the title thinking about how it is when I don't have my glasses on, since I have REALLY REALLY bad eyesight, but this is what came out instead.
BME
Amanda Kay Burke May 2019
BME
Thank you for the memories
We have made together
And this is you let you know
YOU'RE THE BEST MOM EVER!
I wrote this for the card I made my mom yesterday
Amanda Kay Burke May 2018
On a wooden shelf textbook waits
Harboring facts, knowledge, dates
Each year summer brings needed rest
After each final, each test.

But summer is gone and school has begun
So away with freedom, the warmth of the sun
To a teenage girl, textbook goes
What horrors await? Textbook doesn't know.

Hurled in a locker, metal slams
Smothered by a shirt that says "Go Rams!"
Shoved in a backpack, do not suffocate?
Can't miss the school bus, hurry, don't be late!

Scribbled and doodled on, "It tickles!" It screams
But teenage girl doesn't realize silence is not what it seems
Spilled soda burns; acid sweet
Bubbling suffering unimaginable heat

Left on a desk, a window so close
Pages now stick, it is so gross
With its strength the textbook flies
It has just commited suicide.
An old one I wrote for school in 10th grade
Amanda Kay Burke Dec 2019
I did not fall in love with you
That sounds strange for me to say
Because I loved you long before we met
I think I was born that way
I don't remember falling in love with you. I just remember holding your hand and thinking about how bad it was going to hurt when I had to let it go.
Amanda Kay Burke Dec 2020
Throw me to sea
A message in a bottle
See where I wash up
I was born to be free

Spirit raised by coyotes
I spend my nights howling at the moon

I will come back here one day
For now my roots are short so I plant myself wherever the wind carries me
Bloom in any soil

My heart guiding the way
I try to be adaptable but it has taken me a long time and I still have a lot to learn but I try my best every day!
Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2018
I have thought about it for awhile
And don't care what other people say
I want to be part of yout life
This might be the only way

Don't see you as the bad guy
Not mad or angry, just hurt
Even though I know it's wrong
I think "**** he looks **** in that shirt"

Feel the electricity in the air
Can tell you feel the familiar thrill
Is the alcohol to blame?
Or do you truly love me still?

We reach at the same time to touch
Holding your hand just seems so right
I wish that I did not have to let go
Wish I could stay the rest of the night

When I have to say goodbye
It's hard to pull away and leave
I long to remain in your arms forever
It feels better than I dare to believe

Then you lean down to kiss me
It is bliss. It's too perfect to be real
I had almost forgotten how wonderful
Your lips could taste and feel

I know that you're drunk and it's late
I'm hoping that you feel the spark
And I am hoping my mouth will remind you
Of those nights we spent in the dark

Thank you for making me complete again
Giving me your love to borrow
Even if it is just for right now
I will not regret it tomorrow
Tonight I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow
Amanda Kay Burke May 2022
My own cowardice
Botched last suicide attempt
Can I try again?
Although i am prone to suicidal tendencies i would never actually do it because of what it would do to my family
Amanda Kay Burke Jun 2020
This time I am going to do things differently
I'm so scared we're destined to fail
Was in a state of blind hope before
Blinded but I learned to read braille

All this feels vaguely familiar
It's only a matter of time
I'll find out you haven't changed
Not ready to accept the signs

I wish I decided with my brain
I'm in a battle with my heart
One pulls your direction
The other
Drags away cause we're better apart
I wish I could read braille for real
Amanda Kay Burke Mar 2021
It's ****** up what you do to me
Playing games with my head
You've given me your cold shoulder for weeks
Now suddenly you want back in my bed?

You expect me just to open my arms
Let you wiggle back inside?
After you turned my life upside down
The reason behind tears I cried

You must think I'm an idiot
I've forgiven you every time before
I guess somehow I always will
But I can't trust you anymore

You're too deeply embedded in my heart
For me to remove all the way
Like a splinter underneath my skin
Your memory will forever stay

Although I will never stop loving you
I have to learn to live without your touch
Because it kills me to pour my all into a person
Who simply doesn't care as much

When I have your attention I soar
Your gaze makes me feel like I can fly
But intoxicating emotions crash down
The instant you say goodbye

You talk to me when it's convenient for you
But ignore me as soon as it's not
How can you throw my heart away
Then ask me for another shot?

It isn't fair what you're doing
I am just a toy for you to break
When you're done and I am left damaged
You escape free of scars or heartache

You used up all the good in me
But I guess that wasn't enough
Because you came back for the rest
Too bad I'm not giving it up

I know all too well how this will end
It's stupid to even hope
That maybe you have actually changed
You say you will but you won't

If I was what you really wanted
You wouldn't have abandoned me here
It's not a relationship with me you're after
Your intentions I read loud and clear

I can't say exactly why you returned
Maybe your new life isn't working out
But don't think I will let you fill me with lies
Just because it's you I dream about

Although I wish we could be together
Experience the same bond we had before
Yesterday must remain in the past
We aren't those people anymore

If your words were true at all
You would have been loyal from the start
Of course it's easy to miss me now
After spending months apart

I am sure if I succumbed to your charm
Welcomed you into my embrace
As soon as you realized you had me
You'd no longer yearn to see my
face

You've always wanted things you can't have
If it's easy it isn't fun
But you can go mess with someone willing
Because I mean it when I say I'm done

My feelings for you are stronger than ever
Why I will never know
But you are bad for my sanity
So I must learn to let you go

I'm sure there are reasons behind your mistakes
Justification for hurtful things you do
You can say sorry a million times if you'd like
But it won't make your apology true
Amanda Kay Burke Jan 2018
Love is like spring,
There will always be pain,
Equal parts sunshine;
Equal parts rain.

The thick sludge builds up,
It's hard to trudge through,
There are obstacles,
Involving two.

Then snowbanks unfreeze,
There are boundaries no more,
Now aware that this weather
We can no longer ignore.

Tears always fall,
Words always fail,
The love that we had,
Melts away with the hail.

Raindrops come down,
Into puddles they descend,
We have to face the bitter truth,
Our time has reached its end.

My heart is as broken,
As the ice on the lake,
I see the cracks and wonder,
If underneath it feels the ache.

Icicles are dripping,
Disappearing like oxygen,
Along with any chance I had,
Of being with you again.

The hole in my chest is the same size,
As the one in our ozone,
The season will soon be over,
The snow will thaw, I am alone.
Amanda Kay Burke May 2017
Look outside.
the snowbanks are looking quite droopy.
Maybe they sympathize?
And those trees...
By golly, they're downright depressed.
The sidewalks are crying with me,
But murky,
Water creeps to the highway,
Oh how dazzling it is,
the sunshine upon its glittering dress.
I know this isn't that good but i like it because its different than what i usually write.
Amanda Kay Burke Jul 2018
I am on fire
Step by step feet scorched by flames
Breath by breath I burn
Let it burn
Amanda Kay Burke Apr 2020
Do not smoke if you want to breathe

You cannot inhale polluted air expecting your lungs to continue being clean
Don't smoke if you can't inhale
Amanda Kay Burke Feb 2019
You make every bad day better
Every good day becomes the best
My whole perspective changes the instant
I lay my head on your chest
You know just how to make me smile
And laugh even through tears
I can only hope you'll remain by my side
As we grow throughout the years
I hope I bring you as much joy
As you bring me on my darkest days
I love you and I hope you know how much you mean to me
You brighten my world in a million different ways
Find someone who keeps you together when you are falling apart inside
Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2018
Some are born broken
One rung in their genetic ladder twisted differently
Selfish, uncaring, and weak, among other things..
Whichever fatal flaw, their cursed souls just don't seem to be able to change
These are the people that explode like bombs
Leaving a wake of destruction everywhere they go

Some are broken by something else
One tragedy shakes them with such viciousness feelings rattle loose
Falling to the bottom of their body
Sunk somewhere dark they don't know how to reach
Once this happens, they are never the same again
Cold heartache in their guarded eyes
Regardless of how many lonely years pass

The worst broken is to he born whole
Over days and months of misery and frustrated failure
Little pieces chip away
By the chisels of surrounding people
Whether it is an unkind word spoken
A careless lie believed
An act of spite or betrayal
Even faultless unreciprocated love
Each time they are hurt or disappointed another piece is shaved off their soul
When enough goodbyes and unanswered questions have taken their share
Eventually all the goodness eroded creates a crater so big
There isn't anything real left at all
I am the last one
Amanda Kay Burke Apr 2020
Back to where we started
Broken homes
Broken hearts
Us against the world
Let me tackle darkest parts

Past plots reincarnated
Where we are at now
Foolish enough to believe what happened once
This place we won't allow

No matter how we strive to improve
Story is destined for tragedy
Bad behavior repeats repoitore
Stop trying to force what isn't meant to be

I think we know how this ends
Tried mending a million ways
There is no way to avoid the outcome
Yet we still cling tight to "always"

Happy ending in negative mind
Even close to reality
Disappointment forged chasms between us
Bond isn't what it used to be

As we call eachother corny names
Pain hidden behind each letter
We are back where we began our tale
Maybe this time will be better?
Maybe its harder to build from a wrecked foundation than from the ground up but it's worth the extra effort
Amanda Kay Burke Jul 2018
Her bones are breaking
Under the weight of heavy
Insecurities
They weigh a ton
Amanda Kay Burke Aug 2023
The world suddenly becomes blurrier
Like presence begins slipping away
I'm guessing effects are shifting sides
Took one hit too many today

Slept on my dreams far too long
Changed the way perception blooms
Erased gleam one high at a time
Painted me as dark as the shadows in my room

Or just chiseled away my armor
It's so hard to accept the face beneath the mask
Where has the old me disappeared to?
The question in my chest I am too scared to  
ask
I wish I wouldn't have let t ruin my life and transform me into a complete stranger
Amanda Kay Burke Jul 2019
Reached the tipping point
No medicine can fix me
Broken too badly
Is brokenness two ns or one?
Amanda Kay Burke Dec 2020
Do I still take your breath away or has that power expired?
Leave me to my own devices because I’m growing tired
And for a little while you lead me to believe you’re done
Until the moment I start losing interest in which direction your feet run
And I say I no longer care but we both know it isn’t true
Honestly I do not give a ****...
About anything except you
The only thing ricocheting against my set of bones
Is your name bouncing like drumsticks on xylophones
For once I get to perform our song
Music to my lonely ears
Skeleton an instrument producing every note brain hears
Have my mutilated perception record melody
When finished play it over so I can sing off-key
And leave on your doorstep to remind you of what we had
When I am done realize I still feel just as sad
And screams bottled up press on the walls of my insides
Threatening to expose the place heartache hides
Slide shapeless secrets even deeper down the *****
Drowning damaged moments in a mess of distraction and dope
One
Two
Three
I count numbers to ground racing thoughts
Break the anxious flow in a failed attempt to untangle mental knots
I will go to extreme lengths to relieve madness in my mind
Waiting for comfort desperately needed but can never seem to find
And my own flesh torments with mocking memories
Using tattooed ink for leverage to ridicule and tease
A traitor amongst body parts equally writhing in despair
Breath inhaling solitude coursing through the stagnant air
Lifeless eyes exhausted from overwhelming cruelty they view
You put up careful facades but ******* is easy to see through
X-rays of faithful adoration reveal commitment a disguise
Well-rehearsed remorse when stripped is nothing more than lies
And crumpled promises fill the trash can with empty words you said
Same old disappointment cuts
Blood staining hands bright red
Stomach full of excuses violently crammed down my throat
Those plus dead butterflies swell causing my tummy to bloat
My heart now lies in throbbing pieces scattered across bottom of my soul
In the exact spot you used to reside within my chest is now an unfathomable hole
This one needed to get out of my broken *** heart
Amanda Kay Burke Mar 2018
I knew you would get
hurt attempting to put my
Heart back together
I'm sorry
Amanda Kay Burke Feb 2019
Like a broken iPod
We cannot quite mend
I see only cliffs
Around every turn and bend
This is a stupid little bit I wrote back in high school... When iPods were still cool.
Amanda Kay Burke Feb 2021
I am half a person now
You were the greatest part of me
Seems like all I have are broken things
In place of where your love used to be

You made life a whole lot better
Then you left and took bliss away
Showed me what a blue sky was
Of course good things can never stay

You were the person who kept me happy
With you believed that I could be strong
Told me that I was beautiful
I'm starting to think that you were wrong

I still feel your gentle touch
Picture the hazel eyes I adore
Memories will only last
Until I cannot hold on anymore

Too much of myself has been broken
Cannot be who I was back then
Fear that I am too ugly now
For you to love me ever again
So I published a short version of this on here a very long time ago because I was saving the full version for my not yet published book but I realize that I probably won't ever be able to publish a book so here is the full version in all its glory
Amanda Kay Burke Jul 2017
I lift my head and try to fly,
A bird with broken wings,
Held down and haunted by
The song my sorrow sings.

Useless melodies inside,
Keeping me from healing,
Ruffled feathers, open eyed,
The past I am concealing.

What is a bird that cannot fly?
I want to end it once and for all,
I put my trust into the sky,
And begin the final fall.
Amanda Kay Burke Jun 2021
He says pessimistic attitude will take me nowhere in this life

The way a solitary setback becomes an impassable obstacle solely because of my reaction to it

Howling at unfairness of reality and the trouble it tosses my way ever so frequently

With raw negativity that overpowers any sound advice or reason

Understanding my perspective an achievement nearly impossible to unlock

And deep down know he is correct

I silently resign to a few sighs as I try to turn my point of view around

My head is stuck
Stubbornness is the glue trapping my thoughts in a bubble of cynicism
What will finally pop it?
Amanda Kay Burke Feb 2019
Breathing empty air just to pass time
Sometimes scribble on the wall I am stuck behind
I am ready to break through thick bricks
They are a mess of emotions mixed
Prefer to sit idly as they fall one by one
They are stacking up and there's nowhere to run
Each piece of my heart tumbles down
A multitude of building blocks scattered all around
I've built a wall to see if anyone cares enough to break through it
Amanda Kay Burke May 2018
We built a wall of
Lies and desperation laid
With uncertain bricks
A very thick wall
Amanda Kay Burke Jul 2022
The words spilled out my mouth like water
I sit here ashamed
My best shot at communication failed
Tells how badly I aimed
Amanda Kay Burke Nov 2021
I try to view as just a bump in the road
Wish silently the right way to be shown
I've been walking this path for so many years
Other directions seem to disappear
I sit and wait for opportunity's knock
It doesn't
Continue to walk..
Against wall my back is pressed
Is this destiny or simply a test?
I should be alarmed
The darkness closing in
It's nothing compared to the blackness within
What lies before us and what lies behind us are tin matters compared to what lies within us
Amanda Kay Burke Aug 2020
Tonight
Bury who I was
Down beneath the dirt
Laying rest to lost innocence I will never get back

Begin the funeral procession
Pay respects to another naive heart
Poet who felt too much
One dreamer who still believed true love existed

Close the casket
Lower me in
Girl I used to be is gone
Below six feet of mistrust and betrayal


She died the moment you left
Written 8-18-15
Amanda Kay Burke May 2017
I was wrapped up in your hazel eyes,
Captivated by your smile,
And the pace of my quickening heartbeat,
Just increased with every mile.

And every time you touched my skin,
I felt your fingers melt right through,
Leading me to rightfully believe,
That the burn holes were left by you.
Amanda Kay Burke Jan 2018
I'm tired of staring out the window,
Waiting for something to change between us,
Knowing that you're on your way to work,
While I am stuck riding the dark school bus.

I know you aren't thinking of me,
You've been busy since winter came around,
There's no room inside of your head,
For feelings you buried in the ground.

I hope you can look into your heart,
Past my immaturity,
And find that you made a big mistake,
Realize you're still in love with me.

Never underestimate the power
Contained in the words "I miss you"
Because if I try hard enough,
I can make you see that you miss me too.

I watch shapes fly by through the glass,
Reminding me that I was left behind,
I'm on my way to school, and today
Could be the day you change your mind.
Written on 12-13-12

Feedback?
Amanda Kay Burke Jan 2020
Traveled many roads
Every direction I walk
Leads back to your arms
No matter what I do
I always come back to you
Amanda Kay Burke Feb 2021
I strive not to care
Miss you
Why?
In the end memories
Always **** up my high

My mind overflowing
To say the least
It's impossible to ignore thoughts
Efforts just make them increase
Amanda Kay Burke Sep 2018
Though you have me aswoon
I feel to you burdensome
Afraid that by the next full moon
A hindrance is what I will become

My hands are heavy, head is hung
Ego has severely shrunk
I know that in your eyes I appear young
That's why my confidence sunk

Compared to you I am immature
Always angry, blowing up
It is not your fault I'm insecure
So I get why you're contemplating a break-up

From now on I will get up earlier
Try to be more like you
If you promise you'll stay forever
I will do whatever you want me to
I could be anything you like
Amanda Kay Burke Feb 2020
Always by your slumbering form
Your sorrow and sheets
Presence itself is a miraculous gift
Next to your body I am complete
Amanda Kay Burke Jan 2021
My thoughts fail to keep in check
Are too shocking to share
I keep the madness hidden
Under layers of clothes I wear

Whether world approves or not
Of cares I will never know
Am better off with them tucked away
Secrets secured down below

I will not display my demons
The words they say
Keeping them confined
Where games they play

This is my cumbersome burden to bear
Belonging to me alone
Trying to corral
Out of line
Never staying in my comfort zone

To be insane
Greatest fear
Cage any chaos within
The weakest parts of me
To body I am living in
I try to suffer silently but it shows in the way I move and the way I talk and even in the way I breathe
Amanda Kay Burke Jan 2024
A cake shared with everybody
Except me

Everyone anticipating slices

So no wishes

No blowing out tiny fires in vain

No spitty frosting
Little traces of yourself embedded deep into the pits of other's stomachs

Instead tie a balloon to wrist

Showing age in slow shuffling

Open ribbon
Unwrap the gift I painstakingly chose for you this year-
NOTHING!
When someone else has their cake, eats it, and then proceeds to eat your slice as well.
Next page