does a sacred stone
still retain its worth
if it was never taken
from it’s hidden earth?
could it truly be
a treasure trove
if no one sees
its alluring glow?
-
is my mind right to tell me
that invisibility doesn’t cause irrelevance?
or is that just a way to cope with
the ever feared unfounded-forgotten-pestilence

If you're out there show your face!
How much longer will you hide from me!
If you're real can't you just show me?
Forgive me, it takes my eyes to believe...

If I had the guts I'd place a bullet through my head,
Because my purpose is to work until the day that I'm-
Dead
- And I never wanted to die.

Where are you, poets!
Where are you, great thinkers of our age!
The ground is the home to your bones,
And I think I'll be joining you soon!
Save room for me in the grass,
Don't spread your dust too wide
For me to find a place for mine.

-What reason is there to be
When I will be no more-

I have pressed you so hard upon my head
That I don't think I could ever forget
Those pictures floating around like a group of haunting ghosts,
And when I shut my eyes tight I still hear them boast!

I died at the age of thirteen
When someone on MySpace sent me a link
To some page labeled "nudes here: all free",
And my heart, heavy weighted, proceeded to take a peek!
Oh I wish my eyes never got to see!
I wish I never had to know what is out in front of me!
I had gotten all that I'd wanted!
Little did I know that five years down the road I'd give anything to go back.

Sleep sweet!
That's what they tell me!
As if I never was guilty
Of looking at something so filthy!
Oh my eyes knew!
Oh my mind knew too!
The only thing pulling me closer was the desire
To feel that high and the get higher!
I never needed any spark to start my fire!
All I needed was a thought to get me inspired.

I just want to go back to when I still had any kind of innocence!
Before I knew exactly what ******* is!
I'm still trying my best to find some way to live.

Blow a dart through the eye of a needle
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal
Position used to permission the perspiration of children
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-
Intermission-
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-
Cat's pleasure walk-
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-
Half a toe dream-
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession
With questions about lessons learned by sections
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!
Skin peeling regression!
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!
Have you watched your mind battle
The thoughts of many cattle
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!
Watch them rattle-
Shattered glass got caught in the brains back
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-
Gunshot whiplash-
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-
What a world we created-
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies ******* down bottles lost in
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak  in closets!
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!

I hate the mask I wear
Behind my paper lines,
I hate the mask I wear
And all my un-rhymed rhymes.
I hate the fact that I'm some ghost
Who bleeds black ink onto my white host!
I hate the fact that I harbor my words
To the ships out at sea that all go unheard!
I hate the fact that I am a mess
And all I have left are these words of distress!

I hate that I try to make my self depressed
In order to write a poem that will truly impress!
I hate that I have to sit here everyday
Trying to write my problems away
Only to find
That behind the smeared lines
That I still am battling with my old demons!
That I still am battling with doubt!
Oh I hardly take time to care about the seasons
I just care about the problems I have going on now.

-And even at my best I'm just someone who can't write
And all my poems are a mask for my bloodiest fights
But tonight
I hope someone turns on the lights
And finds my dead corpse rotting off to the side,
I hope that for once it will all be fine
And my heart will stop beating before I start losing my mind-

Eleven o'clock in the afternoon today,
Yet my eyes find it hard to keep themselves awake,
While my breath struggles to breathe well, to inhale fate,
And my body tends to eat food that starts to oxidate!
And my mind
is still stuck in between it's broken place
While the broken are breaking bones just to give themselves a break!
And I
try to hide my poems from this world, it's timeless fate,
And sit by
while my generation has the largest growing suicide rate!
But my
friends are pushing closer to the end of that date,
While my
family does it's best to help people find grace!
Why would I
who has all this talent try to stow it away,
When I
could use it to save lives, maybe find someone to save!
Someone open my eyes, let them be open wide!
For these past years I've let go on by
While I sit back down and watch them die!
For every day rises a new sun, a purposeful light
And my days were made for more, not just a singular life!
But the rhyme in my poems keeps me tangled inside
Like my words are solution, but the coffin surprise
Is waiting there for me like I can't tell you why
The pages recede and the shoreline declines
While the shadow in secret awaits me at 9!
My words bring my death and the end of my time!
The promise I wrote you was written in white
So I can say I can't see it, I can say that I'm blind
But the fact that we're dancing has it's own facts implied
That I promised you this, but I left you to die!

Forgive me-
These words were meant to make you whole
But it left you a hole in your side-
Believe me-
These lies were meant to make you know
That I would not tell you goodbye-
Deceive me-
Like I deceived you so intricately
Like the ending was designed by me!
Like I'm the mastermind behind the scheme!
I'm the demon of minds, I'm the things that I speak!

Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
For you will find yourself looking back
Wondering why, bottled up in regret.

I reach my hands to touch you
in the worst parts
that you want
but i dont
but you do
but we dont
but we do-
the silence creeping in
just enough to rip my hands
onto you
and onto where you want them to,
heavy hands
heavy breaths
in and out,
tongue twisted between lips
and bad lies,
heart brokenness underneath blankets
and blankets of desire
piled on top of hormonic lusts-

I say that i'm sorry

i'm sorry that i don't love you enough to mean
i'm sorry
and to take away the heaviness
weighing down upon my lips
as they quiver and shake
because i regret getting in the car in the first place.

Dear Benny,
I know I left when you were just a small boy
As you watched my ship sail off the shore.
I know I left you and said that I loved you
And I kissed your head as you slept the night before,
But all I can recall is the sad look on your face
As I left without a trace!
I could've sworn I saw the frown in your cheeks
As I packed my bags to leave!
Son, I dream of the days when my apologies would mean something
And you could find the heart to forget someone who never had one!

Well son, your daddy was a pirate!
I left long ago so I could find some island
That we all believed to be out there!
But son I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere!
It's the thoughts of what you look like now,
How you've grown and how your little voice sounds,
That haunt my deepest thoughts and my deepest sorrows!
I just want to hold you in my arms tomorrow!

Oh these waves just rock my heart in circles
Like I used to lull you to sleep as the sun sets!
I wish I never left!
I wish I never left!
My heart's still stained with all my regret!
Just remember that when you grow old and start your life
To never live it the way I lived mine!

I heard you're quite the sailor, son,
And I hear you smile just like your mother.
I hear that mom found another man,
And now you have another brother.
Why won't these chests of gold and bottles of ***
Fill this gaping hole inside my black heart!
All I have left is the bitter taste!
All I have left is the bitter taste!
Alcohol makes it all seem great,
But, Benny, it's brought me to these final days!
Find yourself a wife and kiss your son goodnight!
Because sometimes I dream of the days when I'll die!
And to be honest it's starting to feel good.

when will the rocket white noise end their sound
and all that got thrown  up come crashing down
when will i get some sleep at night!
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-
-******* dreams
******* dreams
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds
******* dreams
******* dreams
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-
watching memories
fading elegies
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,
floating entrance fees
shaken masterpiece
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-
when will my mind empty itself of me-

to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels
we wait for the pressure
our pounding bit of pressure-
you sit there doubtful
every smile's a lie
all you are is crumbling inside-
reaching for the cabinet doors
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor
all the tile is still keeping you warm
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-

-dad why'd you have to go
why'd you have to leave me here alone;
i know you watch me here below,
what will happen if i let this page close
-gunshot, blood stained escape way
through the lead through the head space trade
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-

momma calling son
"useless waist of taken up space-
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young
should've never listened to your daddy's song
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!
never should've
could've could've
maybe i would've
maybe i will
maybe i am
i am
i am more than a woman attached to a man
more than a mom attached to a hand
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-
i am
i am
i'm gone"-

son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.


-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,
missing homes
missing hopes,
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-
"just do it for the kids, honey
they deserve more than me or you know
let's do what they all do
fake a smile
fake a frame
fake a while
fake our names
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"
"and once their gone?"
"we can burst into flames"
thinking that the kids don't notice
the long fights
the late lights
the long talks
the late walks
the long drives
the late lies
the bright screens
the loud screams
the doors slam
the house stamp
the long sobs
the long jobs
the moving boxes
the missing pictures
the blood on moms dress
the couch blankets
the magazines
the hidden lingerie
the missed calls
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van
the adjusted seats
the drunken steps
the fake parents-
the fake lovers-

teach them about Jesus
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, ***!"
just as long as they don't see us
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, ***!"
tell them not to lie
tell them not to curse!
What's worse!
me saying a ***** word!
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid *****" then finding blood on her shirt!
make sure that you don't miss church!
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!
and we burn for this
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,
betting with my brother on how long till i become black
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-
my dad was a pastor-
and how many more families will i watch fall apart
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-
will we still love our sin
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-

-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-

well we can sit inside the sun for days
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth
like the red will gloss over our lips
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet
like
black plagues coughed up in disease
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread
bursting through your blood vessels again and again
until your eyes run black,
how much longer until the end
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!

-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-

if this is the start of the end then lets end
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!
pluck!
out!
my!
eyes!
i want to forget!
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!

-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-

I remember the days when I knew
Or I thought I did everything I could do
To make this something that involved me and you
But my worst thoughts were the ones that got through
And broken glass has been all that lies in my center view.
I remember when
I was a kid and nobody ever questioned a single thing that I did
Now I'm the only kid
That stares hard at my hands and ***** the joy out of the life I live.
I was a care free heart devoted to the only Son
That shines bright, the only holy one,
But that was some time ago.
Nowadays I am captured by my fear, and driven by making time slow.
Oh God,
You can take the decisions I've made, all the days all the nights,
If it means that I have my heart back and can once more see the light,
Because I'm tired of being so lost in my own past
And all the things I wish I had.
I spend all my days just wishing
That I had a day where I'd stop giving away all I've given,
But I don't care if life is something that keeps me driven,
As long as I can remember that you're alive, you're risen.
Tell my friends I love them
And embrace them harder than I would've,
Keep my heart close to yours,
And help me find my way back to you
And to those sunsets I fell in love with in Africa,
Like the moon.
Like the dust blowing in the distant breeze.
Like the rain pattering down and flowing out in my streets.
Let me fall in love with you all over again,
Because those were my most joyful moments.

Your God is nothing but a figment of your creative imagination!
You're nothing but the art of planetary destination,
Destined to return to the dirt that you first were birthed.
Chance had its way with our molecular structure
When one small ball exploded me and you in an atomic conjuncture.
You and I have no God!

Excuse me, excuse me!
No winds or waves
Or night or day
Or time or space
Came from a God that you praise!
We were born to decay, then let our particles die
Until they fertilize and revitalize all the green grass that runs dry.
We were born for the advancement of technology!
We were born to work until someone finds the secret of immortality!

God?
Ha!
What a lonely life of living and loving some imaginary image of a God.
You waste your life with all your "do good" ways
When you could enjoy the pleasures that flaunt in your face!
Woe to you who sit and dream of some God who
Lives to tell you what to do
And cares nothing about me or you!
If God was alive than I have arrived at the conclusion that he's a menace!
He waits for my days to end just to send me to hell to pay my penance.

If your God exists and is so good, than why does he hate me?
Why does he exist to smite me from his sight.
If your God is so good, than why am I the target of his burning eyes!
Why am I the one who's losing life!
Why am I the one that has to die!
Why do I have to die!

i thought that growing up
i would look back on all that i've seen
and see you standing right next to me-
yet
to my dismay
i am again standing in the gap-
trapped
inside.

i thought that growing up
we'd be closer than before
closer than closed doors-
yet i slam
that door shut
every day-
and i beg you
to go
away.

who am i today
who am i today
who is i  going to be
and where will that lead i?
will i be another symphony
is i just another expressed belief?
what does i believe-

oh i
what do you see and why
do you see oh i
the way you do
and why
do i oh i
still follow
you-

if i isnt me
than is me just another empty space
that i left behind
in the aftermath of
finding out who i is?
-me is just an empty lot
waiting for i to reattach to the host
-empty walls now make me i's empty ghost.

i isn't who i should be
not me
not me
not me's position to be choosing personality-
than who is the rhymer and the writer!
the pen and ink!
who are the author and who are the book!
who are they!
who are the shadows that haunt my mind!
who are the shadows of glory divine-

who are the devine
and they still make me question why
but i'm still learning tonight
and maybe tomorrow will be my last fight
with that angel underneath heaven's ladder
and i will finally get the rest i need
for it's tiring
fighting with angels
knowing that you can't win
but knowing they won't let you lose-
for i truly want to lose for once
and figure out that death isn't worth it-
and figure out that i had a greater purpose.

Lets cover it up with cliches,
Dodge the answers before they stay
And melt the lonely ice away
To reach our empty heart, embraced.
The touch of the skin
Is something we never got to experience with.
The smile of love
Was something that we never could think of
Because the world span too fast
Because the world span too fast
Before we could make this last
One more second, one more laugh!
One more little lie to me,
Please, the truth will only make this lonely heart bleed.



Bottle this up in cliche moments,
I knew the winter could never show its
Snow to others in fear of giving
Up too much to the sun who's begging
Her to give her one more smile
And dance in his arms while she dials
The spring's phone number for him to come
Over and pull her closer to the numb
And dead feeling of
Being in love
Being in love!

Oh winter!
You never!
Knew the answer!
You lips!
Put a damper!
On the transfer!
Oh your kisses would've been so sweet!
If you let the ice melt outside of your cheeks!

Flower, flower, I worshiped you
Before you were eaten up by caterpillars.
I remember smelling your perfume
As the wind carried it through the blades of grass
-I'd've  done anything to see you last-
May your memories rest in peace
-If only I'd've let you rest with me!-

-Take me back to my dreams!
To the days when I was young and naive!
To the days when I wasn't so deceived!
So intrigued!
So incomplete!
So intricately marked for defeat
By my hands and  my one disease.
You were supposed to stay close to me-
You were supposed to stay close to me-
You were supposed to stay close to me-
And I let you slip away!
I let you slip right through my heart's dying beats-

The lights on inside the house-
The sound of laughter
Chatter
Stories;
Smells of joy
Firewood
Pine
Memories-

the eyes watching the doorway
            -SHUT-
   in awe of a life wished upon

one summer day

I thought for once I'd keep my closet shut,
But those skeletons seep through the cracks.
I thought for once I'd hide my eyes from your blood,
But I watch you spill into the sink,
I watch you as you spill out so fast!
I told myself I'm not afraid,
But I'm not sure if you will last!
Yesterday I was afraid of coming back!
I never thought I'd face my past!

-But I sit here and wonder the same thing, over and over-

Watching is the hardest part
Of loving someone with all your heart!
So I watch you bleed out on my floor,
And I close my eyes, and I shut your door!
I never wanted you to bleed, but I love you too much to say
That I never really wanted to watch you die this way!
I thought I'd leave you in December's curse,
But you've followed me and you drive my hearse.

The saddest part of the day is watching those doors close-
The saddest part of the day is watching your doors close!
Just before your eyes begin to roll
And you shake and bang your skull
I look into your eyes
And I pray that one day you'll be alright!
My sister I hope that when I get home
You'll be just fine-

keep the doors shut,
keep them closed.
when the wind blows, don’t let them open,
don’t let the doors go.
the knocking sound calls you to open up,
but don’t let careless emotions show!
keep the doors shut!
no matter how many knocks you hear below!

keep the doors shut,
keep them closed.
when voices start to grumble inside,
it’s tempting to let world know.
feeling like a hero?
maybe like that open gate’s a grove,
where people will be safe inside,
where people will find a home!
get rid of all your lies!
your words could never bring them hope!
keep the doors shut!
for they will always choose that rugged road!

-keep the doors shut
because opening them
only lets the darkness in
every time your try to show the light-

-keep the doors shut
because mosquitoes make their hives
right outside the walkway light
and come inside in expert time,
enough to **** your blood-

-keep the doors shut,
for being a symbol is a wanton game,
a desire to be held the same,
praised and pulled in every way!
don’t you love the spotlight gaze!
and the feeling of a voice heard in a moments daze!
your words plastered on some expensive page!
it’s good enough for a pleasant date,
but turns your heart into a bad omen-

Here we go
Another testament of what we already know
Just for show
So that the unbelievers will be put back in the quiet zone.
That's what is right?
That's what's in his write?
And to put people in their place is something that is his right?
And here he is pointing his little fingers at the other man,
The same fingers that pick his boogers on the same pointers on the other hand.
And he wants all those around him to understand?
When he cant stand
While his temper rises and nostrils flare as his eyes expand.
Tell me this, tell me this,
When did the solution to the polluted arguments turn to breaking wrists
Over the back and forth action of battling opposites
Who wait for their friends to chime in and throw them some compliments.
"It's only common sense."
"It's only civil defense."
"I'm trying to prove that everyone's wrong and I'm the one in perfect tense."
Sadly
We all gladly
Trade our thoughts for emotion and want to get rid of truth so badly.
We turn to insanity and sadly we're in love so madly.
I don't throw shade but I stay under my shady tree.
Pass me the plate of fries but don't you dare give salt to me.
You see I'm free,
I don't need some validation from my anger to give me Identity.
So finish up your childish games,
It's time for dessert, but your still stuck on your tiny screen.

we see life through eyes shoved deep in a clothes dresser
-dressed in one style, one choice, one black or white sweater
we are the oppressed or the oppressor
we either question or we answer
we either are racist or we are racist-
it doesn't matter within which color you exist
at one point or another you are the blunt of every man's expense
the traitor or the one with the knife in your back-
turn around and your friends are nowhere fast-
build up a blind eye and you missed the opportunity to chose a side
and now your an inactivist- a pacifist
someone who's breath is saved is not valid, this
life style leaves us bent between broken lips
and bad lies heard from different separatists
bent on making a society divided on who's right and who's wrong, what's the matter with this!
battle each other with harsh words and confrontational jargon fits!
spit on each other, barely walk away and shake our fists!
is there not enough wisdom for us to understand
that we are merely just imperfect man-
must we argue over who is the most persecuted, most bruised!
we-
who live in a country with the most benefits for you to choose!
we-
the ones who live in an electrical utopia and a house too!
we-
the ones who barely have to question anything, we just receive and we roost-

selfish enough to carry broken glass mirrors on our masks
and stare forever into our forever broken collapse-

At times I'm as high as high can get,
I'll let you know, so don't forget.
I'm lost in the city of my mindset
And somewhere between life and death.
I tell you all I can tell
But when the opportunity comes I know that I'll sell
And get rid of the words that I spell
Until I empty me out of myself
Until my brain starts to swell,
Oh I know this all too well.

I can't remember when my hat wasn't full
My head's so big it should have it's own capitol,
And can't remember when I wasn't incalculable,
Having no care was something so masterful,
-And disaster-full -
I wish I was a kid sitting down to play blaster ball,
Because on days when I sit and think
I think that thinking only brings me closer to the brink
And I sink into the very thought of starting to sink
And I drown myself into thoughts even well into sleep!

I was a kid way well into life cycles
Too bad I left it alone with my bicycles,
Because I'm driving around like I'm driving without a head
And the only way time stops is if I'm lying dead.
Oh I know time too well,
Oh ask him a secret, I know that he won't tell,
Oh I'm sick of selling out at the sound of the doorbell
But time has me chasing it's tail like it's a jail cell.
Someone save me from time and it's cartel,
Before I end up like those who couldn't tell when the floor fell.
I know time too well,
I know time too well,
I know time too well,
I know this cycle of time in a nut shell,
Someone get me out of this cycling stairwell.

Because when my mind finds the time
to sit back and stare blankly at white paper,
I can never find the right opening words,
something about the ocean
or the sunsets
or the cool breeze occasionally blowing in the summer,
that would be able to fully express
the way my eyes tear up
at the vapor like thought
of being able to sit here on the couch
and watch you smile for one more second.

I don't want to die,
But the moon still calls my name.
I think I'll visit.

So I swallow fast!
Until the last lump goes down
And my throat closes!

My eyes shake sideways!
And my arms feel cold again-
This is how and when

This is how and when
It all comes crumbling to the
Ever expected

And overly dull,
Commonly thought out, and the
Quiet, calm, silence.

The ever repeat
Of my tragic tragedy:
My heart wrenching end.






Dear trees who hold me,
I will always miss your songs.
I will miss singing

To the soft echoes
Bouncing through your dark branches.
I won't forget you-

Don't you forget me-
I will never remember
Something like your voice.

Years go by and it's hard for you to see
The fall leaves that danced with us by the trees.
Do you remember me?
Do you remember me?
You say bye and that it's hard for you to leave
This place in time where its only you and me.
Do you remember me?
Do you remember me?
Because I remember some promise
That we made and we said we were honest,
And that we never would find ourselves so far away from each other.
And we would never forget to help when it was hard and we began to suffer.

I still remember the day of our first encounter.
I was spending time trying to fool myself
That I was still as cool as everyone else,
As I asked for loose change to get some food from the counter.
I guess even though you were far away
I knew that I wanted to know your name.
So one day I walked back far enough to catch up with you
And even if you didn't know, I think I fell in love with you.

I guess you could say it was love at first sight!
But no one seems to remember; no one but I!
I didn't care what they said about you,
Because I saw how beautiful you really were!
Before you grew up and people said you were pretty,
My heart fell in love with you.

But the years go by and I still remember that promise!
That promise that never seems to bring anything but conflict!

Oh dear, I know we don't speak.
No, we barely even begin to think
Of the days that we used to have.

Oh dear I know that we don't even try anymore!
But I still miss hearing you!
I miss sharing those memories together!
Even if last time was the last I would see you forever!

I don't know why when I haven't thought of you in months,
I find myself missing all those days that we spent in the rain.




Dear home,
You were never perfect.
I never found pleasure within my doors.
I was either surrounded by fights,
Or a divorced husband and wife.
I've never really been fine
In this dull house of mine.
I looked and looked but I couldn't find
Any place! Anywhere I could hide!
Dear family!
Do you think of me!
I love you all so dearly!
I miss those days when
I came down your pavement!
Can you say it!
Can you just say it!
Can you just tell me once more that you love me...




I've loved you for nine years,
And I don't think you've loved me for one
And I don't think you've loved anyone.
I want to be done.
I can't wait another nine years
To wait just to hear
That even though I've loved everything about you,
You want a life that has me left without you.
Dear, you've never seen that I actually cared.
Dear, you've never seen who I am.



I miss my memories!
I cling hard to these
Days that I repeat
Just as I fall asleep!
Dear Lord!
Help me!
I can't believe!
That all dreams
Die and bleed!



Last night I had a dream
That you ran out of reason to believe!
You were pregnant at eighteen
And you said this is alright to me!
You left for someone you never loved!
You left for someone you never knew!
Oh being far from home has made us all so broken!
We can't think in the state of having choices to be chosen!
We make the wrong mistake over and over
Until we're left with a life with no cover.
Oh I wish this life was just a dream
Where I can close my eyes and change everything!
I'll close my eyes until I'm blind and my eyes can't see!
Because this world has never been the way it should be!
You told me that God wasn't real!
What happened to those twelve years of love, what's the deal!
What's the appeal!
Why do you state something that you don't really feel!




My mind is a wandering machine
Reminding me of things I never need.
It keeps repeating patterns useless to repeat.
It keeps carrying notes on until it loses it's beat.
It's a pulsing soar between my teeth.
Sometimes I wish it would just fall out and die on some street,
Forgotten between the cracks on concrete.
Leaving me behind is something I need so desperately.

I've spent so many years trying to figure it all out.
I've tried to make sense of what my life is now.
All I ever wanted was an answer to any of the shouts I screamed at night
As I laid down and wondered why it all has come to this.
All I ever wanted in this dessert dry life
Was to get up and dance  before life was more than simple bliss.

I've tried everything from wrong to right
But nothing calms the pain that seems to be
An everlasting chain around my throat!
I battle with the consequences
Of leaving life to second guesses!
I battle with the consequences
Of leaving it to their rusting wrenches!
I leave my life in their hands
And I plead to their demands
As I watch them take what they can
And leave me as the only one that stands.
Take me back before I left
All my life in their foul breath
And started to believe in them,
Because all they are, are diggers in deep depths!



Oh October had a noose so I thought I'd take a swing
And ride on it's long drop and sail on it's wings.
Oh it gave me such a rush until my head fell free.
Oh we think life's so good, and then we all bleed.
Oh October had a noose so I thought I'd have this dance
and I thought I'd take it's hand and begin this romance.
Oh it gave me such a rush until my head fell free.
I never knew I'd be missing such a big part of me!
Oh October had a noose so I thought I'd give it a try!
I thought I'd go ahead and give up on all my life!
Well it felt so good at first
Until it left me in a hearse!
I thought I'd give it's noose a go,
But it left so fast that death's all I know!

This world is like a cigarette-
The peak of it's existence
Burning bright to moon dead eyes,
Crumbling in after a swift breath.

in the time that you see this i will be asleep in the bed all ******* in my thoughts like you said that i would and you always have been right that eventually i wouldnt stand in this fight and thats always been true thats always been you and you know what to do to make this all go through so just say those "nice" words to the back of my head sleeping soundly on top of my pillows of dread dreaming that the sounds like my heart would be
dead.

i dont want to hear it anymore i dont want to hear it anymore i dont want to hear it anymore i dont want to hear it anymore
i never wanted to hear it anymore
and thats why i blast the music until my ears bleed
to drown out the noises you keep sending raging after me
and i want to be free
see the world
see the free
and be me
but you keep chasing after the ends of my sentences begging to be apart of some world together
like this will last forever and that you have to fit yourself inside before the page runs out of lines to include us both in the same half a centimetre space
connected with no room to move
no room to breathe
no room to be free me or just simply be

so by the time that you see this hopefully i will be asleep and you will be asleep and you wont come to tell me your "nice" words again and wake me up to your screaming and we could all just go to sleep once without a fight of whos right and how youre right and new and true and how my blue is too much to live and breathe and
bloom.

put an empty hand under water
and watch it waste away, watch it squander-
let it stay and stay the same, let it ponder
and never do a single thing, never wander-
look at the sink as it drips
never drink never sip,
just stare as the the wooden floors
turn to mold and corrode under sudden force-
turn your eyes away
don't you even look
although we want to stay
we know the time that it took
to be a ghost in the day
but then at night we're a rook
i used to beg to go play
but now my life i forsook-

pinch yourself because the blood wont swell
up high enough for you to smell
that armpit sweat from being too nervous to tell
the truth sometimes, so we hide in our shell
from the growing guilt making it hard to not yell
- but swallow it down, ignore the burdens you felt-


the meadows are nonexistent in southern Florida,
when will i see more than dried up sand-
the forests have washed away into suburbia,
when will i feel green moss in my hands-
when all i know is gone
i know i don't have to beg
- you will twirl your hair like those twirling leaves-
when all i know is gone
i know i can rest my head
- i will keep you here, safe inside my memories-

-when i wake up from my dreams,
i will forget we met.
but if i remember a single thing,
there wouldn't be a second to correct-

buried on a monday next to old man Jenkins
a hot summers day
stillness
course grass
the rough hands of strangers
the sound of wood hitting dirt

         the shuffle of tired feet

the soft patters of rain
the distant voice of the city


the unforgettable silence

how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.

For the grass fields lying beyond those gates
Take me back home, take me back to the day
Where I first let my eyes stare at you in open gaze,
The moment still fresh in my mind, still open state.
I will not be able to find a friend that I could love
Until the end
Until death brings us home-
For you are the one I chose to hold in all hope.
You are the one that I would walk with forever
Until the grass dries up and we can no longer find a place for our feet.
I want to name a child with you,
I can't share that with anyone else!
For no one in this world could take that place but you,
As I hold your hand and smile at our daughter together.
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you too.

every time i wake up, i stare at the floor boards
waiting in silence until my thoughts **** me slowly
i take the stake, shove it through my brain
stop and think how much the devil has shown me
late at night, terror fright, taking flight, fighting might
shifting eye, little lie, guess i'll make this my plight!

demonic devil, do you use the deadly treadle
tapping toes too, to blue jam with your dreaded treble!
scratching claws now on chalk board black tops with your kettle!
shifting serpent spitting death you are black rose pedals!
kiss me quickly with bliss, i know the taste will settle!
watch my eyes close under sunlight, too late to level-

so, i let your poison seep deep into my concrete, abstract, and spirituality
hoping that the hoax has only one hold on my hellish individuality,
and that one omen of open obliteration making available my obliquity
stops before the second-strike sinks in my skin and makes me sing my dead man soliloquy-
how hopeful!
how hopeful to think that one mess is enough to get me by from the rest,
that enough is enough for me when i mess up,
and i will always be going good, going right, not running left.
sadly
i get mistaken by my madness for a smile and a pasture behind the veil that’s masked it!
while the laughter in my catacomb cerebellum crystallizes my coffin with convoluted clasps and cocoons me in my casket!
swallow the final wishes to walk away without wondering what would have went down without wanting to ask this
last question to push you powerfully over the edge without paying attention to the proper time, not seeing it’s all plastic!
because we’ve passed the only moment to turn our backs without the consequences of living in our bloodied baskets!
we kissed the serpent’s lips and ****** the spit off his silky-smooth tongue, mixing salt with fresh, leaving everything brackish!
cut off the arms and tongue before the venom attaches,
but still i swallow it whole and expect to outlast it-

I miss you
and the ship that sank that night
I miss your lips
and the moon that shined so bright
I miss your eyes
and the way you held me tight
I miss you
and the ship that sank that night

I saw it coming
It was going down
but I refused to except it
while you twirled me around

We danced that night
under the stars
you kissed my heart
where others left scars

You waltzed me to the edge
with your gentle words
as you said
hold your breath

I miss you
and the ship that sank that night



Well I used to be a captain of my heart
Until the waves came crashing in and tore my ship apart.
It's the subtle waves that cause me to shiver nowadays
As I try to float on by, clinging tightly to stray wooden planks.
I'm drowning under the thickness of salt!
I'm parched of my joy and it's getting harder to call!
We all drown in these ships that we sailed with pride!
While one heart lives, another one dies!

Dear shore,
I've missed your green grass for some time now.
I always wanted to sail out to sea,
But maybe it would've been better if I never had to leave.

in an attempt to save what can’t be
Anjun begins his faithful quest
to deter tarator’s wrathful hand
and convert the faithless to faithfulness-

-O, lands, air, and flame,
can you hear my plea
for a risen dawn
over the rushing seas?
let my words be planted
like hidden seeds
inside the hearts
of my enemies-

-let peace succeed-

“My dearest brothers
Clothed in roaring fires
Let your mercy meet my words
And may your hatred transpire-
A loving hand I offer you
A loving heart to inspire
Love inside your empty chests
And raise up loves great pyre-

Mercy, peace and grace align
Let mercy burn and mercy shine
And let foes leave hand in hand
Friends at least till timeless ends

Mercy, love, and truest hope-
A twine of thread is easily broke,
Unless to another fastened
It can not prevent the chasm-
So let us tie our hearts in one
And let nations befriend, and with war be done.”

out of true love and heart he spoke,
and from the dark the hearts awoke-
yet
what is put into practice
is sure to follow through-

Anjun had surely come to the end of his quest
With Tarator’s men seeking holy steps
Yet the great Bear ,Neltoc, chief of tarotor, was not easily swayed
Inviting Anjun to speak privately about such holy ways-

Neltoc:
“Anjun, I know your heart is pure gold,
Desiring nothing but what you think is best,
Changing our ways of old
To become new, to change, to reassess.”

Anjun:
“Mighty Neltoc, what you speak is true,
I only seek to enlighten and share new truths.
For a nation cannot truly be set free
Until the leaders release the power to serve the lowly,
Which is what the divine scripture has shown me,
Which I believe wholly”

Neltoc and Anjun conversed long into the night,
Discussing their shared values of their people-
Although clearly it was dark outside,
The light on the inside shows two men, both equals.
The bear and the mourning bird had formed new trust
And had compelled a new start, though still feeble-

but upon the wall a shadow was seen cast,
as a fox moved outside the window
(a fresh zealous disciple desiring to protect Anjun,
in fear was cracking back the arms of his longbow)
but mighty Neltoc was prepared for an attack
having archers on the roof of his palace;
so when the shots into the foxes skin we’re heard,
Neltoc became enraged with malice!
turning now to Anjun with fear and anger,
he asks his newfound friend why he’d done this.

though the mourning bird plead innocent
the thread of trust had already been broken;
so even though Anjun was free of guilt,
the floor confessed his throat had been cut open-

news throughout both nations spread quickly,
waking all able hearts from their sleeping
and as the warriors readied in the cities,
disciples could be heard in Anise weeping:

(the mourning bird
is dead
and the sun
bows in shame
------- watching -------
as they lay a precious spirit
deep in its grave)


ring now the bells of destruction
and weep for the passing of anjun!
here comes the king to silence an eruption,
to destroy tarator and bring about their final doom!

off with the head for who the mourning bird has bled
and lay him dead so that the beasts may now be fed
eating of the flesh which has stolen flesh
and may the bells toll at the finalized revenge!


(off with the head for which the pacifist was bred
and lay his kingdom in the rubble of its death
burning up this weakness that only fire can perfect,
leave none left behind, finalize our steps!)
-
we trust in the power of blood
to write this tale complete!
cowardice has no place
within the eyes of fate,
oh great sword of death, let your glory be our final speech!

out with the heart for which wickedness does start
and cleanse the dark out from where it does depart,
cut open the chest and remove its sacred parts
scatter the remains on the plains under heaven’s stars!


(out with the eyes from which shedding tears are cried
and purge all charity from the lion’s pride
rip open the skin and remove what lies inside
scatter the remains on the plains under the mornings sky!)

we trust in the power of blood
to write this tale complete!
cowardice has no place
within the eyes of fate,
oh great sword of death, let your glory be our final speech!

Blood
Rain down
Blood
Rain down
Blood
Rain down
Pardon all our sins
Blood
Rain down
Blood
Rain down
Blood
Rain down
And in your rain let fate be set!

split open the earth
and let the bodies fall in
as bones seep into dirt
we forget their origins

as the trumpets begin to sound
a weeping wail is heard
for although securing victory
the king's last words were heard.
for as sickness has no allegiance
falling on the good and bad,
though the wicked may be dead
the righteous lose the head they had.

peace returns to the land
but at what perilous price
two cities meet now hand in hand
but at the cost of a lion's life.

It's been too long since I heard that sound of your sails blowing in the breeze.
We were once a friendly band of brothers, but now I'm just lonely company.
Lonely stifling-
Steady lonely drifts down memory lane
As I try and recall how it felt before the rain,
Before you and I became a lullaby
That I have to sing to close my eyes-
Before death and life were no surprise,
Before I felt the hope inside me die-

Before the storm came passing by
I used to fall in love.
I used to sing with all my heart and dance before the burning sun!
I used to watch the waves go by, as I loved my company of two!
But after dark I close my eyes; I doubt that I'll ever see you.

I doubt that somewhere there might be another sunlight,
Another star sight!
Another love's type!
Another blue sky!
Another bird's cry!
Another new life-
Another memory left for you and I-

-No,
I can't imagine what it'd be like
To hold your hand, to hold it tight-
Shut my eyes, shut my eyes,
Before I start to realize
That nothing can ever be right!
-I want to imagine you again!
Another memory to share with a wonderful friend!
Another dream to be told, another lifetime to spend-
I would give it my all!
-I would do it again-

If it meant I'd see you up ahead

Leaning over the counter
With her light-skinned hands holding her face
From colliding with the cold metal,
She stares blankly at the white walls
Splattered with drippings from the ham,
And the tuna shavings that never made it into the bowl.

She stares blankly
While the heavy purple circles around her eyes
Weigh deeper into her ****** structure,
Like dark fences around the gateway to her soul.
She doesn’t blink

For when she closes her eyes
She can’t help but daydream-
Daddy singing Amber Jean to her
Before he gets wrapped up
And stuffed away in a tight box-
Her boyfriend holding her close
As the ******* is lifted to his nostrils
Before his fists,
Like surprise kisses,
Imprint their love upon the back of her skull-

The doctor’s hands
As he opens the garbage can and dumps the ovaries
Containing the cancer that caused her to believe she’s pregnant –
Something that she can dream of no more.

Tilting her head,
She breathes out for a long time,
Her eyes fixed in place,
And blinks.

Tomorrow
I'll
Wake
Up
And
Find
You
Dead.

Is there anyway,
Is there anyway
That I'll see you when I get back home?

Is there anyway,
Is there anyway
To go back before we drifted away,
Before we left on our own?

Because on Sundays
When the sun's rays hit my face,
I see you
And I see who we used to be.
And I see that we should've never had to have to had to have to had to have to leave.

And I'm stuck thinking,
Was it really fare!
Was it really worth living in the end.
I'm stuck wondering,
Was it really fare!
Am I better of giving up before someone leave's again,
I swear...
It hasn't been as hard as watching my sister go through so much pain,
Way too much too bare...
I wish I gave up before I watched my eyes go through the same,
Leaving my heart bare!
Was it really fare!
Was it really worth all the trouble and all the care!
Was it really fare!
How can we live in a world that keeps us snared...


Tomorrow
I'll
Wake
Up
And
Watch
The
Sun
Rise
Again.
I
Don't
Know
Why
But
I'll
Remember
This
Is
Not
The
End.

Out beyond those clouds,
I hear you,
I hear you calling out.
Somewhere past those doubts
I feel you,
I feel your love falling down.
Even when the tempest stirs,
And even when the thunders call me home!
I won't give up!
You never left me alone!

have you seen his eyes?
or did the maggots get them first
when his skull sunk into dirt-

did the roots latch on and pull?
or did his body choose to dive deep
and anchor at earth’s feet-

was he wearing a crown?
or was his head scalped and dry
leaving no room for pride-

did they celebrate when his body was found?
everyone blames the one who seeks the skies
but forget they were born belowdecks-

I love to see children in session.
their lives are in harmonic transfantasia
until a conductor calls upon them for duty-

did you see which trains they boarded?
for they left in a rush
and may never remember their heartsong-

did anyone catch the conductors name?
a traveler near to a tender soul
can meld it to his very own-

will they remember home?
when the aromas return on a springs breeze
a new nose will turn away-

it won’t be long.
a foots journey will return
back where it belongs.

-for their dreams are drowned out by the whistle,
their hearts meander upon riches,
and their skulls blow away as what was good is enjoyed
by maggots
and dirt-

And many have traveled my road before me,
And I'm not the only torch blazing underneath the expanse of space.
But I
Still feel
Alone.
And I
Still walk
Alone.

And my voice still echoes in the distance!
And I still think that maybe someone else is mocking my shouts,
Calling back to me the same call that I called out in an instant!
But I'm so empty that even my enemies have left me to drown!

And many have traveled this road before me!
I can tell because I can see this path stained with their blood!
The blood of giving up before we can finally see the son!
Oh it's drenched in the tears of waiting for someone to show up!
And in the distance I still hear them crying out for something.

Oh, I've never felt as afraid of getting to the end
As when it ends!
As when I face the fact that I've lost a lot of my friends!
And that the more time I spend
On the road!
On my own!
The more the dark and the light start to blend!
And I bend!
Till I break
And my knees
Start to shake!
And I sit and I still wait!
I sit and I wait!
I sit and I wait!
Oh and I wait as I watch the Florida sun
Set down it's burdens and turn in before it's too late!
Oh I wish that somedays I could wake up to the sun one more time!
And that my memories could find a way to slip away from my mind!
But I've branded myself with the mark of defeat!
And I stare at my heart and study it's beat
As it retreats!
As it slows while I breathe!
And I hope that when it stops maybe you'll be all that I see.

I'm so afraid that when I finally look up at those eyes
That they will turn and look away from mine,
Because I'm
Just another soul on the line
Of time,
Ticking away until the day I die
Inside
And make my way to the place where you decide
What's right
And the fate I'll have for eternity's life,
And to make matters worse
I've done a good job of shutting out your light.
So why do I deserve anything by a turn-away glance from your eyes!
Why would I deserve anything but that look for the disappointments and despised!
What compelled you to give me another chance to love you like
The way you loved me?
What compelled you to love me even when you knew I wouldn't try
To love you?

My God's grace goes far beyond the wrong choices we've made!
It goes far beyond those promises we break,
Promising that our addictions are long forgotten and washed away
While the next day we fall for the tenth time on our face!
My God's grace goes far beyond the fact that you're facing habits that you can't break
And you feel like killing yourself is the only way you can be saved!
My God's grace goes far beyond what men like to say,
How only certain things are able to be erased!
Oh, but they lie with their poison in their veins!
Because my God said that this world is what he came to save!
And I'm pretty sure that this world is heading towards the grave!
So let me tell you my family, don't you be afraid.
Don't worry that maybe God will turn his head away
If you go and ask him to take all of your unwanted shame.
Don't you be afraid,
My God's words were never said in vain.

I prayed to God for the rain
But when the clouds turned black, I pointed my finger at his face.
How dare he bring all this change,
What about the summer sun, all the summer waves?
How dare he tell me I can't be the same..
I guess somewhere between my words, I got lost along the way.

don't understand
words, consequences
for
the everything we are
searching
something
than ourselves
something
than we know

-Sunday, the twenty second of February-
I held a sunflower in my cold hands
For the first time in twelve years-
I cautiously stroked the petals
Like a small child holding fragile life in his palms,
Knowing that with one slight pull he could crush
its very existence-
I smiled-
I looked up to the blue sky and thought of you-
The way you hold me in your hands-
I placed my yellow sunshine in my breast pocket,
And I began to think of the way you've carried
me through this Florida weather.

My world!
My beautiful world!
Your mouths are endless fountains of profound shouts and
I have seen the things you breathe in man's hearts and
I've tried to tell my brothers that they're lies,
But we keep letting your voices in every time.

My world told me that poetry was supposed to be my only thing
And my only way of expressing my inner me.
It told me lies about who I was and how I should think.
It told me that I need to write like I bleed this ink.

My God!
I don't want anyone else to think that I'm still in love with me!
You are the only thing I want to see
And your hope has grounded me by your streams!
I'm in love with you and how you fill up my dreams!

I'm not an aching, brooding, bleeding, receding, deceiving
Deceasing, cheating, repeating voice with a black heart beating.
I am your son!
I don't know how you allow the dust of the earth
To be rebirth into your arms and claim you as a father!
My voice was always meant to be singing love songs to you.
Recently I've been dying to sing again.

I want you to know that
When I go that
I just wanted to hold my God's hand
And dance with him forever.

I want you to know that
When I go that
I honored my father with my lips
And used my fiery tongue to bless and encourage.

How many more days will blood be the solace to your ever beating heart!
How many more days will those veins explode in order to comfort you from your harm!
How many more days will pain be the way that you keep your self safe-
Or I guess just killing yourself to make all those memories go away...

I don't know who you are and I don't know what happened to you
But giving up never gave me any hope nor any truth,
And I regret all the days that I tried to use my pain
To make everything seem like it was okay!
Because nothing could ever give me quite the escape!
Nothing seems to ever quite help my life change!
No amount of drugs or blood or lust or shame
Could change my sad desolate life of black stains...

And I remember wanting to die-
It wasn't just once-

I remember thinking that if I had the courage I might just put an end to it once and for all,
For all to see and for all to awe!
Trust me, I know what it feels like to fall
And to fall from a place of security to listening to echoing halls.
But I found some hope behind my black walls.

And that's a love that for some reason brings more peace than anything I've ever seen!
More than anything that I could ever dream.
And that's the love of a God that will always be holding you close to him in your sleep.
And I can only imagine how many people have given you reason to hate him too,
But I can promise you that he cares more than anyone cares about you!
And that there is nothing that you could ever do
To get him to stop falling in love with you.

Dear piano,
You are tales of mystery to me
Floating around the space in my head.
You're a death to be take,
A life that we all forget.
You're a poem blowing in the breeze,
You're a leaf falling in the wind.
Your the snow melting away after the harsh winter
And you're the fox who stalks his prey
In silence.
I see you when I skip my way down the park
And also when the masked man comes creeping
Slowly as he reaches his victim
And as his maniacal hand plunges the knife
Deep into his heart-

You are stories of lost love!
The ones that we write of in our paper back diaries.
The ones we keep in the back of our minds,
Waiting for our stories to unfold.
You're the keys to my sad songs
And the melody to my hope.
You're those long forgotten sunsets,
But also the rain when I walk back home.

I remember walking home without an umbrella,
And I wish I had you out on my road,
Playing yourself away as my whole body became soaked.
You will always be in the memories of my worst days,
And you will always be the writer of my love songs.
So tell me-
Is tonight another night of failure and flight
Or will I fight to get back up and make things right.

I hear you resounding in my dreams
And I hear you calming down my unending screams.
I feel you pulsing like butterflies flapping their wings
Or like humming birds while they stay and sing.

You are the steps of young feet on ice
And you're the magic in their young undying eyes.
You're the light in their small lives,
And your also their reason to fight.

You are the sound of adventure out to sea
Where nothing but bottles of *** are waiting for me.

But you're also all the demons that still claw at my mind.
And I try to forget about you every time I hear your melodies shiver down my spine.

And then silence-

everyone will die
no one wants to until they realize that life is prison
and in death they are free-
they are like orphans, taken in with kindness
unaware of their caretaker
[who they are,
what they want from them-]
when death is your foster parent,
his abuse isn’t forthright-
it’s like I learned in kindergarten
“how do you boil a frog?”
“slowly increasing the heat over a long  period of time.”
relax too long in his hot spring
and death may make a meal out of your naivety-

it’s only human;

when you are tortured days upon days
you ask for the bitter gall to hasten your death;
and life can be torturous to many
as everyday we are crushed by a millstone:
the weight of the rotting bodies
of children who took their parents gun
put it into their mouths
thinking they could swallow bullets,
leaving pieces of their skull
as little gifts to those that are left behind-

we are crushed by the purposeless, repetitive work load-
we form addictions just to cope with the lack of sleep
lack of energy
lack of love
lack of connection
and lack of intuition that we are forced to experience-

i was always told
“get used to doing the same thing and never changing
because it doesn’t end in school
it continues every day
until you finally get to pass away
with those who love you surrounding your side.”
oh death can’t be the only reward in this life!
no wonder why we can’t ever lose infatuation with killing ourselves,
“it all has to be better-
something has to be better-
anything could be better
than what we live in”-

I’ve found that the grass is never greener on the other side of the wall
it’s just sometimes taller
or shorter
or has some different plants growing inside
but the color only changes with the seasons
and we will all experience rainfall and drought
even God says that “it shall rain on the just and the unjust.”
so I move forward
remembering that “i have learned the secret
of being content
in any and every situation
whether well fed or hungry, whether living
in plenty or in want.”
and I cling to this verse as a  stronghold in my faith-

we will all see hell rain down in this earth
and many will weep as the blood and bones are crushed
and the skin is melted away
and also when the spirit is divided from the soul,
but there are still many who will not be concerned with
this or that
or the troubles of the day
and like nurses
they will stomach the stench of decay
and the sight of blood
and they will rush to aid those weeping
and comfort the broken,
picking up the pieces,
helping to fix their shattered complexion,
and will not take the bitter gall
but endure suffering-
and in suffering
we will find true freedom-
becoming like Christ
like lambs to the slaughter
and we will see our reward.

if I set myself on fire
drench myself in gasoline
will it melt through my skin
and **** the cells with thoughts and schemes-

-for the longest time
I'd illuminate my words
hope for the best
and let the cauldron stir!
I hope
that
the witchcraft
crafts
a new heart's
bath
in blood and
wrath!
my dream was
to create a song
dark enough to let
my thoughts sink in!
black enough to make
my white skin gone!
thick enough to choke
my throat till it splits!
**** down the blood from the slits!
call out to death for his kiss!

If I set myself on fire!
Will that be the end!
Will I be purified!
No longer play pretend!

-i never wanted to watch the swing set
set its chains down to rest
turn my eyes to hollow forecasts
and let my past take final breaths-

you are not alone-
the shadows ever stirred
the angels on the walls
the anger all unheard!
you are not alone-
the monsters in the dark
the heavens in their tears
the callous of the heart!
you are not alone!
the teeth grind in the sleep
the bathroom groans in pain
the dripping from the sink!
you are not alone!
the times down on your knees
the rashes on your elbows
the prayers prayed for weeks!
you are not alone!
the knocked-down-black-eyed breaths
the arms now pushing up
the taking of the final steps-

you are not alone-
for though you are on  fire
drowning in the ocean
the breath will not expire
though the water should
it wont end the flames
deep inside the heart
is where the war is raged.
don't let those hands down
box until your dead!
turn not now until the grave is cracked
against the match with father death!

We are the stories of the dark and obscene!
"Hello I'm a poet, and I'm here with a dream!"
Well aren't we all just some conjured up mess of contortions!
We all want to be the super hero's for the lost and the orphans,
But we draw our endorphins from our pain, it's our portion,
And we'll publicly portray all our poorly painted portraits.

Dear writers,
I hear a lot about your cravings for emotion,
But not a lot of wisdom.
In fact, I hear a lot that that's all that you want back,
Because apparently it seems to me that you think emotion is what you don't have.

We all think we're great philosophers with great philosophical functions!
We all think that our words are more than our biased made assumptions!
Well let me be the first to say that poetry is for nothing.

You're not a poet until you go to bed at night dreaming you never wrote it!
Poetry! I wish I never got to know it!
It's the only thing still dragging me down to hell!
It's the only thing that keeps me locked in a rusty cell!
Dementia has become euphoric to me, and I still don't know why!
All I know is I've tried to **** my poetry, but it still will never die!

Well I'm honestly not much different from you.
What makes my words more intellectual or imaginative than yours?
I guess I'm too selfish to admit
That I still don't know exactly what poetry is
Or how God intended it.
I like to think he created poems to show us his beauty
In all things, even the dark.
I guess I've done a bad job as a poet
If I am still in love with God, and no one knows it.

Correct me if you care,
But honestly who are you, and tell me, is it fair
For you to tell me
That you know the meaning of poetry?

I sit here and stare hard at the words that I've scribbled so forcefully
And the smears of the ink all over my hands.
What is the meaning of these meaningless struggles
To empty my mind of all these hateful words?
Maybe I just needed someone to blame
For all these years of anguish and frustration.

The grass is still growing,
It's cold in southern Florida,
Yet I'm still bitter.
The flowers are blooming again
And the whistle of the breeze
Is resounding throughout the hallways of my ear canals,
And the sweetest tune you could ever imagine
Is caressing all my aching muscles.
Yet still, I write things about how my life is in shambles.

If this could be the last poem I'd ever write,
I would praise God for allowing my last words to those reading
Be about how the figment of hatred that we've masked around our faces
Is nothing but wrapping paper with black paint
Covering that sweet gift of peace.
My last words to you are that I'm not wise,
I'm not as great as I think I am,
And I honestly am in love with this wonderful life God gave me,
And the peace he brings me everyday.

Somebody talks to the wind
And chases it as if it will give in.
Somebody runs through the trees
As if somewhere along the lines
He could escape this life;
All hope to escape his lies.
Somebody keeps a secret and tucks it away,
Somebody puts it in a white box and covers it in clichés.
Somebody writes a letter and pens it with black ink
As if his markings start to sink
And hide his hidden mask he sees!
Oh what a temptation to take a peek;
To open the letter before it's time to read;
To run through the grass before the time of spring;
To drink all the wine and have nothing to eat;
To take the best times and leave none left for dreams;
To spend all the days wishing to have another;
To count down the time
Until
The
Very
Last
Number.

-In the end it wont matter whether we ever made it,
Whether the grass was greener or stayed forsaken.
In the end it wont matter what we stole and we got,
We will disappear into the earth, and we will be forgot.
The only thing that matters is when I go and transcend
That my love for you was constant; it was until the end,
For what a tragedy
For me to breathe
Without giving you my breath-

It's been a couple years since the day that I left...
And there's nothing I wouldn't do to get back all the time I spent...
Because even though I'm happy...
Still this is the same dream that I dreamt...

I miss those long walks at night beneath those shining stars.
I miss the days when we could talk alone about our hardened hearts.
The sunsets were my favorite thing until I went away.
I always used to say I wished I'd leave, but in the end I just wanted to stay!
These memories of me and you are the memories that I see all day.
The memories of the blazing sun beating down on us can't be erased.
I used to tell you that I'm over it and that I've moved on and found my way,
But honestly to be open here, I would do anything to be back out by the lake!

You and me,
We were okay,
Life was as slow
As yesterday.
Nothing changed,
It was routine.
Nothing changed
For you and me.

We used to stay up at night and count stars in the sky,
And lately all I've wanted is to find a way to relax my mind.
But all these memories of you and me still keep me awake,
And just as I fall asleep I start to think of how it would be!
If it was still you and me!
If it was still our adventure, and we were both free!
They say the hardest part of life comes when you're getting old,
But to be honest there's no time when you're used to letting go!
So let it go!
So let it go!
Let me float away down my streets, down my roads!
I hear your voice!
I hear your voice!
Let me float away down the streets,
Down your throat and into your lungs
So I can feel the vibration of your songs.

I hung myself outside for all to see
That this life of remembrance is hard to leave!
It's hard to leave!
It's hard to leave!
I miss my old friends and the way they were apart of me!

I sit in my bedroom and I listen to one more song,
I know the message to be true, but some days I don't want to sing along!
So play me a sad key, play me a dark note!
I'm still hanging from the noose on October's rope.

God I know your listening to what I have to say,
And I know that you still have a plan, but is this how it all comes to play?
I know things come and go, but I wish that never had to be,
To be honest father, I've gone through a lot, but I miss them the most desperately.