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Sep 2020 · 542
Pao Sep 2020
we've been here before
tongues tied
blank stares
you always stare back at me
with no gleam in your eyes

i've been trying to align my chakras
finally putting my wisdom where my mouth is
i don't think i can do this anymore

back and forth
running from you
running back to you

i will always find you wherever i run
to west palm
to the warm sunset
to the soft crashing of ocean waves
to the yellow flowers i see by nameless corner stores
to the rain during spring and fall

i can't hold back
let me go and i'll let you go
Jun 2020 · 868
these summer days
Pao Jun 2020
sweat dripping from my thighs
grey tank glued on me
i still got you on my mind
the world ending right before my eyes
murders crying wolf
my generation getting gassed and kidnapped
in the streets of LA, MIA, NYC, BA, CIN
drowning my days with tyler, the creator
humming to me
hoping to feel something
the way you used to make me feel
when we parted ways until our next life time

politicians hungry to violate civil rights
black, brown, trans
manifesting it in their dreams
they have it written in human blood
without a mask on to shield them
from the disease that is their greed

my perception jaded
my thoughts paralyzed
my body aching
might hit that pen
can’t even pick up a pen
having more time than my 20 years of existence
Mar 2020 · 386
Pao Mar 2020
i see her
across the mirror
her golden eyes
staring back at me
she knows what must be done
it’s the end of an era
baggage from the past drags
in between her legs
heartbreak, manipulation,
betrayal, broken promises,
broken dreams, lost innocence,
anxiety, breakdowns, grief, sadness

i see her
across the mirror
my golden eyes
staring back at me
i know what must be done
it’s the end of an era
my body is itching for release
shedding itself free
i won’t claim the lost baggage
Mar 2020 · 160
passing thoughts
Pao Mar 2020
being locked inside isn’t doing me favors
my mind keeps spinning
memories creep up at me
i fall into a rabbit hole of nostalgia
i fall into something i wish i had more of
i took the abundance for granted
i don’t want to look at myself
i can’t deal with the guilt
all i have are my tears
Mar 2020 · 307
faded dreams
Pao Mar 2020
i dreamed of you again
your smile that reaches the sky
your laughter that drowns my senses
the way you used to pull me close
we would walk together wherever we go
an adventure ready to be explored

i woke up with tears in my eyes
i know you don’t miss me
it’s been almost a year
since no text from you
not even a sincere hello

i don’t care for apologies anymore
i want to know if i mattered enough
for you to miss me
i want to know if i’m all you ever think about
lonely in your bed at night
i want to know if you still kept the poetry book
i gave you
i want to know if you still have the pictures we
took together as memories on your phone
i want to know if i was special to you
the way you were to me
i want to know if you considered me
your best friend

i want to reach out
but i know you’ll laugh at me
i don’t wish you anything
not the best, not the worst
all i want to know is if i mattered enough
for you to miss me
Mar 2020 · 360
digital dreams
Pao Mar 2020
digital age kids
living in digital age dreams
we got the magic
to turn rot into dollar signs
we are living in our screens
we can’t go outside and smell
the polluted air
without a rectangle
in between our fingertips
the way you speak
words cannot escape your mouth
it’s at the tip of your tongue
it will never come out
you don’t know how to express yourself
you don’t even make eye contact
with your friend’s mom
a friend you only see four times in a year
depending on their mood that year
old and new people watch your every move
they don’t stop
and get to know you on a deeper level
superficial sentiments is all they know
this is what it is
to live in a digital age
living digital age dreams
dreams of wanting attention
and never be willing to follow through
an ode to all the kids that interacted more with their phones than real life
Pao Mar 2020
restore my faith
this quarantine ****
got people acting the same
funny how you think
people will change
people are puppets on a string
can’t decide whether to leave or stay home
my mind goes back to a year ago
when my heart broke down
when puppets left to another master
when the truth was setting me free
now i’m here
stranded in the sea
waiting for someone to see me
i only see myself
the nostalgic grief
pass me by every day and night
i want my memories erased
so i don’t have sit in this place
and think of the time wasted
time wasted
time wasted
time wasted
true, it wasn’t time wasted
i learned how people can turn on you
without regret
i learned how people can envy the life
you’ve built for yourself
without guilt
i learned what it is to be alone
having the mirror as your friend
i learned what it is to hate yourself
until you have no energy to hate
lessons were learned
yet, i’m going back
to the grief that drowned me
time is being wasted
i could be spending my time
living my life
no deep hole inside my chest
no escape from my head
Nov 2019 · 428
fake (explicit)
Pao Nov 2019
all these fake *******
want to hit up my line
always crying on me
that they never get **** right

they talkin about how they
alone in this doggy dog world
yet can’t even ask a simple hello

all these fake *******
want to use you for your money
never think twice about the bills you have to pay

this is a call out to all the fake hoes
in my life that hit up my line
when they were bored of their ****
using me as a convenience

this is a call out to the *****
that cried crocodile tears
lied to me for months
and never showed their face
days after

all these fake *******
want to hit up my line
always crying on me
that they never get **** right

boo hoo motherfuker
get the ******* my line
take your *** back
to hell where you belong
get the ******* my life
take your baggage and clownery
somewhere else

i’ll send my last wishes
when you’re in hell
Sep 2019 · 446
visiting dreams
Pao Sep 2019
i visit you in my dreams
cause that’s all i can feel

i visit you with love in my heart
i visit you with hate in my lungs
i visit you with tears on my face
i visit you with laughter on my tongue
i visit you with wishing i can have you back
in my arms the way i thought it would be

i fell for your kindness
that turned into cowardice

i wake up every time
with an empty stomach
not knowing if i want to live the reality
or live in the dream
all i know is i want to rest in peace
and let your memory rest in the casket
Sep 2019 · 261
pluto’s angels
Pao Sep 2019
the golden angels
sing for me
a melody of tears
from all the pain they’ve endured

in a planet called pluto
angels fall
and angels hit the deep abyss
for them to realize

they are within me
i’m the angels singing for me
a melody of tears
from all the pain i’ve endured
Jun 2019 · 1.2k
Pao Jun 2019
can’t be caring for no one
these revelations
these revelations
opened my third eye
to the mess people truly are
faking their love every time
just to get into someone’s bed

these revelations
these revelations
got me calculating peoples’ intentions
in the deep corners of my mind
will you pull me on a string?
manipulate my heart?
steal my saved hundreds?


these revelations
these revelations
serve a higher purpose
i know bad energy when i feel one
i won’t let myself get near one

a curse hidden in disguise
a blessing in plain sight
these revelations
these revelations
got me running inside my mind
Jun 2019 · 340
lost friend pt. ii
Pao Jun 2019
i can’t see you the same
your true colors are finally shown
it hurts way too much
i don’t want to
deal with the *******

please come back
i know if you come back
it won’t be the same
and your company
would be misery

i can’t see you the same
i can’t act
like i’m better off without you
truth is, my heart is broken
every single day i can’t share
memories with you

your mom wants me dead
your dad doesn’t know who i am
your friends think i’m a *****

they may be right
you’re the angel in this narrative
even if you got rid of me first
Jun 2019 · 140
lost friend pt. i
Pao Jun 2019
suffering in silence
i won’t pick up the phone
to call you up
who would i be
if i did that to myself

some days get harder and harder
knowing you’re not here with me
i thought i had a friend
a friend that will last until
death do us part

you broke my heart
spitting on it during the process
Jun 2019 · 340
Pao Jun 2019
you shot me down
with your negligence
unspoken words
hang in the air
and disappear with your cowardice

how could you shoot me down
when all i wanted was the best
for your heart
i don’t deserve your silence, babe
i did everything i could
to please you, babe

i know being a people pleaser
destroys your soul
but babe i was willing
to destroy mines for yours

you did me wrong
because you’re used to
people doing you wrong
you can’t accept the good things
that come with love
so you would rather run and hide
until the demons disappear
from your bedside

don’t come running back
for my company
i know you won’t come back
but if you ever do
i won’t accept your apology
Apr 2019 · 323
Escape the Vision
Pao Apr 2019
The vision is clear
Glowing like the sun above our heads
We have been escaping for a lifetime
Just to be
Dragged to where we started

Who are we kidding?
We are kids trying to grasp onto
The beam at the other end of the wire
Naïve spirits clouding our reality
We both understand the dangers of dreaming

Waking up to the croak of ravens
It’s time for us to craft a tunnel
Distant from our realm of possibility

Let’s escape to the sound
Of the roaring drums
Calling out our names

We will mount high
Higher than what we would call home
Climbing and passing by
The sea of children twirling to the hymn
The hymn of memories lost.

Flowers bloom and so do we
Sunflowers shine in their meadow bed and so do we

In this paradise
We are the rulers of our kingdom
With time we manifest our destiny
We control the man-made clock
That has so desperately tried to dictate our paths.

In this paradise
Houses clutter in rows
Damp shirts and pants sway lazily
On the wire connecting every neighbor
The language of love
Slips through the citizens’ tongues

The vision is clear
Fiestas are religiously thrown
Every weekend
Bottles of Sangria wine
Line the limestone streets
Families holler in laughter
In the joy of what it is to be alive
Nothing is sweeter than having a pulse
Feeling the sweat trickle down your spine
The children talking amongst each other.
Flamenco performers stomp
As people move from house to house
Never leaving a trace of unhappiness behind
Never leaving the group behind.

Fiestas keeps the city alive
The city of new dreams
The city where the man-made clock
Doesn’t hold anyone down
The city of fresh beginnings
And a destiny that can be controlled.

In this paradise
Waves silently crash against
The algae covered boulders
Seagulls sing their freedom cry

Give us hope
Bring us tangible rationality
In an era of irrationality
We need a savior
From fallen grace

Seashells adorn the delicate sand
That sticks to the soles of our feet
The warmth of the sun
Kiss our golden skin

Salty tears drip down our faces,
Is it the emptiness we feel?
When we are alone?
Or the realization
That we cease to exist.

The vision is clear
Our past lives
Become our past selves
And our past selves
Get lost in what we wished to be.

When will we learn?
That our vision isn’t clear
Twenty-twenty vision isn’t enough.
Sep 2018 · 450
garden of hope
Pao Sep 2018
Swaying in the rain
Sunflowers bloom in the thick summer morning
A garden of hope
Each petal crease symbolizing what I used to be –
In my past life
Insecurity and nameless rage simmering,
Yearning for escape through my tongue
For the whole universe to tremble

Each petal crease symbolizing what I want to be –
Crinkled from the past
Yet radiating from the lessons learned
And eager for novel beginnings

A garden of hope
For my mind to lose its rationality
For my heart to get drunk in the unconventional

Shower me in the garden of hope
For I slumbered through its delicacy
And I want to have its ecstasy
At the tip of my tongue
Sep 2018 · 364
Too Precious
Pao Sep 2018
Life is too precious
For us to keep chasing after ghosts
Ghosts that haze our vision
And stops us from realizing the beauty of breathing
The beauty of seeing and believing
The beauty of loving and smiling

Life is too precious
For us to keep chasing our own past in circles
Never ending pain
Never ending cries

Life is too precious
For us to keep letting anger prevail
Prevail before our happiness,
Our stillness

Life is too precious
For us to not be what we want to be
Let’s rejoice to the hum of our optimism
Let’s rejoice to the shriek of our rapture
Jun 2018 · 899
in my bones
Pao Jun 2018
in my bones
i’ve grown up to the way
you creep at the back of my mind
beckoning me into your
sinister light

after all these years
i never seem to get over you
you’re in my bones
i can never get rid of you

i don’t know if you ever think of me
it’s such a shame you will never know
what you meant to me
it’s such a shame we never worked it out

you never listened to the people
that held you near
you never listened to the people
that wanted the best for you.

i wanted the best for you
but your ego struck hard
your stubbornness made you insufferable

you are in my bones
i try to burn you out
but you are wedged within my skin

i will never understand
why you ran away from me
i will never understand
why my love was never enough for you
i will never understand
why you chased me down all these years

you are in my bones
i will never wash you out
nothing i can do
will make you fall out

i wish you could understand
how well we could have been
if you would just listen
listen to what people have to say

you are in my bones
i will never wash you out
nothing i can do
will make you fall out

you are in my bones
you are in my bones
you are in my bones

in my bones
in my bones

get out of my bones
a song about a first love
Jun 2018 · 292
stillness of the past
Pao Jun 2018
i still have the taste of coffee on my tongue
and the words of last night on my mind

i still have the pain in my heart
and your soothing touch on my skin

i'm living in the past, i know
i know
but it hurts that you walked away away from me
your silhouette haunting me

i still have the bittersweet memories
of you and i
of love
of wonder and passion
embedded in my soul

i'm living in the past, i know
Jun 2018 · 333
Pao Jun 2018
colors rot
and so do we

our minds, our souls, our bodies
decaying in the wind
carrying us to unexplored terrain
carrying us to mysterious lands

our minds rot
and so do we

our souls, our bodies
decaying in the dirt
seeping its way into the trees like vines

our bodies rot
and so do we
Jun 2018 · 578
Use and Abuse
Pao Jun 2018
You use and abuse
Blinded by your self-absorbed ego
Pretending to be a gentle soul
Just so you can spit the other out again

You don't love anyone except yourself
Lonely night and day
Thinking of ways
To get what you want

Because you've never learned how to love
All you've been taught was to abuse and use

Use and abuse
Abuse and use

Until you can't feel your pain anymore
Until you make the people that care about you numb  

You only care about yourself
When life presents you something magical
You chew it and spit it out again
You're custom to abuse
Never knowing what love is
Never knowing what lies beneath the surface
Of selflessness and kindness
Jun 2018 · 422
Square One
Pao Jun 2018

i try to make amends with myself
but i keep falling back to square one
i don't know where to go
i don't know where i'm headed
but it all leads back to:

one house

one rule

one boy

one school

one touch

one promise

i keep falling back to square one
who am i to judge
the way you choose to be alive
we are all sick of the same rules
being alive is keeping your heart pumping  

my heart keeps beating, but  
i keep falling back to square one
drawing out a map and route it blind
i don't know where to go
i don't know where i'm headed
but it all leads back to:

one stare

one house

one rule

one boy

one school

one promise

we keep chasing ourselves in circles
falling short and feeling empty
drowning ourselves in self-fulfilling prophecies
not giving in
to letting all our pain sink us down
in the middle where we can watch ourselves drown
because we are never picture perfect like Hollywood movie screens  
sometimes it needs to hurt before we catch ourselves in the pit fall  

we always fall back to square one
Jun 2018 · 470
Pao Jun 2018
Ecstasy is all around me  
Engulfing my lungs with pure bliss
Crawling its way up my throat
Spreading like a disease, until  
It reaches into my vocal chords

It begins to rest in all of insecurities I have left behind
It makes a nest - a home
Within the pleasures of being free.

Freedom escapes my tongue
And it hangs in the air like a woven thread
Until it circulates the silent room.  
The room of memories and new beginnings  
The room of my new beginning

Where I can lose myself in my thoughts
Lose myself in my dreams
Lose myself in my desires
And let my liberation run wild.
Jun 2018 · 379
How I Greet the Day
Pao Jun 2018
Not with a smile spread across my lips
Or an energetic laugh
Making my two friends holler with joy
As I spill out a witty remark.

But rather
With downcast eyes
Glaring at the shadowed pavement
Hoodie dangling from my shoulder
Stack of binders desperately trying to slip from my grip.
The moon beginning to make its descend
Behind the towering bus stop
Teenagers huddling around each other
Whispering into the muggy dawn.

My brain fuddling with sleep deprivation
I was always exhausted
Nothing satisfied my body  
Not the ambitions
Pumping in my veins
Strolling down the bustling streets
Of the city that never sleeps
Committed to land a position
As a front page writer
For the New York Times.

This routine of waiting
For a dream so far out of my reach
Is monotonous.
A cycle I can't quit
Even if I was granted the choice
I wrote this for a scholarship opportunity during my senior year of high school. I didn't get the scholarship.
May 2018 · 313
shelter me
Pao May 2018
Your heart is too big for your chest
And your hands tremble and shake
And I know you carry my heart on your palm,  

I know it's too much to ask
Too much to take in
Too much to take in your pretty little world
But I ask you this once

Create a hearth in your heart for me
Create a nest in your mind for me
Protect me and shield me from danger
From the outside world
From myself  

                                                       ­                                        - Shelter me
May 2018 · 366
Home is Changing Roads
Pao May 2018
Freedom is on my fingertips
Its liberation flows through my bitterness
Casting away my shattered dreams of changing roads
On which direction, I want to go.

Home looks so far away from where I'm standing
Feeling the despair in my lungs
Expanding and withstanding
Crumbling down all at once.

Fate and freedom go hand in hand
Demanding me to put my feet in the sand
To look beyond my destiny
And start on my own legacy.
May 2018 · 236
Lover of Mine
Pao May 2018
Lover of mine

Will you hold me tight in the night?
Will you save me from my mind?
Will you tell me it’s alright?  
Will you tell me the pain is simply a broken melody

Lover of mine

Will you ache for my soul?
Will you wait until I grow old

Lover of mine

Please don’t go
Stitch up my broken melody
Before I fade away, away, away
Stitch up my broken melody
May 2018 · 419
Pao May 2018
Closed eyes

White lies

Cherry lips

Exotic hips

Luxurious touch

Blissful rush

Tangled sheets

Exhilarating heart beats
think to yourself: what does *** mean to you?
Pao May 2018
she fell in love that night
8:12 PM, March 4th 2017
with a latin woman
her curves illuminating
in the ultraviolet lights
of her bedroom

she tasted paradise,
fingers tracing the outline
of her *******
their bodies interlocked in the heat between them
whisperings of 'i love you'
was all each of them could promise that night of
March 4th 2017
May 2018 · 808
Baggage Included
Pao May 2018
I miss sleeping next to my mother
I wish this sinking feeling could stop
But isn’t that what adulthood is like?
Never ending emptiness just to wake up
And relive it all over again?

I miss the days when I was juvenile, a little girl running
With friends at her side
I miss those Sunday evenings with dad
Eating nuggets and coconut ice-cream
While watching the birds sway by

I miss those days when I knew nothing about love,
The heart break and disappointment it brings.

I miss the days when I didn’t have to worry about responsibilities Tying me down

But you really tied me down
And I have myself to blame
For swallowing up your words
Like venom in a bottle
This poem describes that feeling when you are slowly transitioning to adulthood with all its baggage and missing your youthful days of being happy. You get into relationships, you realize you have roles to fulfill. It gets exhausting.
May 2018 · 284
Summer Child
Pao May 2018
Born in the eclipse
Of summer and autumn
Her heart glowed like fireflies
In the night sky
Her laughter drowned her sorrows
Laying in the meadow
Of rosemary.

She stared deeply into the stars above
Memories of her past lover
Imprinted her brain
The way he held her in his arms
Empty, yet close
The way he gave her an idle smile.

She knew he was hollow
The way he smoked his cigarettes with ease
Ready to break her heart
She knew he would leave her
The way he told her he felt nothing
When they kissed in his bedroom
She knew he was afraid
Afraid of what they might be again.
I wrote this poem simply to get my emotions out over my past relationship. I needed an outlet to deal with my thoughts and the pain. With the person I was with, nothing felt real. It was all empty. It was wasted love. I was born in the last days of August. Hence, I’m a summer child with a little bit of autumn in me.  This is for all the ex-lovers who gave up on love but still have a bit of hope inside of them.
May 2018 · 189
Wasted Love
Pao May 2018
Wasted love
That's what we were
Time always tells
Where we stand
I'm crippling inside
With all the things I’ve left behind

Growing up is never easy
Letting you go was never easy
It brought me to tears
Every night I thought of you

Sitting by my bedside
My heart sinking
Within my chest
Wasted love
That's what we were

Time always tells
Where we stand
I’m crippling inside  
With my mind on the clouds
Because I can't seem  
To get you out of my life

All the damage you have done
All the lies you have told
I can't seem to forget
All the times we have spent together.
Wasted love

That's what we are  
Time always tells
Where we stand
I’m crippling inside  
With all the things I left behind

It's time for me to say goodbye
It's time for me to say goodbye
It's time
It's time
To say goodbye,
Wasted love
I wrote this as a song. There is a lot of repetition and very simple sentences.
May 2018 · 200
Hell Bends
Pao May 2018
Hell bends when you glare up into the clouds above your head
The Sun glows with its light, gleaming upon your hopeful eyes
You reach up into the transparent blue sky
Fingers rippling heaven, patiently waiting for you

Heaven is in the palm of your hand
You wield the power of it
It's yours for the taking
Yet you shed icy tears

For what?
You miss your home?
You miss the comfort of your brothers and sisters?
Your heart aches for solace?

When heaven is knocking at your door
Welcoming you to come inside and sit by their wooden table
Hell bends and breaks
You are what they fear

Your mistakes cannot redeem you for what you've done
Heaven has already redeemed you
And hell only fears your presence
This is ironic because I don't believe in the concept of heaven or hell. I was reading a lot of Game of Thrones in 2016 when I wrote this and the idea for this poem spurred up. This is in no way tied to religious beliefs because I am not a catholic nor a christian.
May 2018 · 210
Falling Apart
Pao May 2018
falling apart was never simple
always in the back of my mind
an impulsive reaction
to the love wasted on you

falling apart was never simple
i always had to pull back when the fire burned too quickly
sizzling away at my unsteady heartbeat

i am not angry with what we went through
i am not angry at what i've felt all these years
i am hopeless

falling apart was never simple
you pulled me like strings in the middle of winter's bitter evening
the crescendo of my screams mixing with the wind

falling apart was never simple
we all make mistakes
but this is the one i can never forgive
I wrote this back in July 2017.
May 2018 · 235
Pao May 2018
Write until the chapter ends
Kick it into overdrive

Let your complex thoughts spill onto the blank paper before you
Let your ideas float and wonder
Let your imagination run wild

Spill the ink

Make a canvas with the black ink
Make a sculpture with your words
Make something that's captivating and bold

That screams pain
Screams power and passion

Let it out
Let it roar

Let your hand ache
Let your heart ache

Spill until you run short
Spill until your brain says enough is enough

Create art
Create originality
Create memories
To help with the writers block.
May 2018 · 722
Pao May 2018
my hands shake in your touch
your perfume lingers in my mind
i'm in a constant loop
of wanting to kiss you
and wanting you to explore my body  

oh girls, they make your knees tremble
kissing you softly around your chest
tenderly picking at your skin
begging for more

oh girls, they leave you breathless in the summer night
their hips swaying on the dance floor
hypnotic, leaving you speechless

i'm in a constant loop
of wanting to kiss you
and wanting to explore your body
hypnotic, you leave me speechless

i want it
i want it

temptation is my weakness
the devil is my witness
What can I say, girls are magical and loving girls is beautiful. This is for all the folks with scorpio mars placements.
May 2018 · 329
Pao May 2018
you are a storm in the sea around you
my words don't express much
but your eyes twinkle in the starlight
heavenly, even the gods are envious of you
your heart of gold beats louder than any lion in the wild

it's all you
it's you whom they want
it's you whom they seek
enticing, your thoughts bigger than your own words
you are celestial  

take your hand in mine
twiddle with my thumb
i'll keep your heart in my palm
i'll keep you warm
safe, even build you a home

a woman sculpted out of ocean waves  
you are celestial
I believe I wrote this in 2016 and I was working on telling a story in poetry. I write poems about my experiences but sometimes it doesn't have to be that way. I wanted to paint a picture to the readers even though what I am writing about has never happened to me. This is for the femme fatale.
Pao May 2018
lipstick stains
in the driveway is where i lay
every thought about you
everything comes flowing back
to me
your laugh of winters day
is the sound that replays
in my mind all day

the memories of you and i
sitting in the coffee shop downtown
everything comes flowing back
to me

as you left my apartment door
i stood behind you
watching you as you walked away from me
the memories of you and i
stuck on repeat
leaving scars within my heart

sitting in the coffee shop downtown
i never meant for this to happen
i never meant for you to leave me behind
i never meant to **** things up

lipstick stains is what you left
as you said goodbye
This all started on my iPhone notes where I created a story of being left like in a romantic film. I never explicitly state the location but in my mind is me being left behind in the middle of NYC by a girl that is known for wearing red lipstick. Imagine this as a song because the lines are very simple.
May 2018 · 196
History Across The Sea
Pao May 2018
I’ve got a girl across the sea waiting for me
and you are reminiscing on what we used to be
I think about our history
and it doesn't mean **** to me,

I've got a girl across the sea waiting for me
with her tight dress and her heart on her sleeve
let's see where it leads
but i keep thinking about our history
the way you used to spread your legs for someone new
just to get ******* up by what you thought would last.

I've got a girl across the sea waiting for me
and she's a beauty to see
but I don't think I can love her in the way she believes
I'm too reckless for love
but at least I got over you.

I've got a girl across the sea waiting for me
more thrilling than you.
I wrote this as more of a song. The structure of it is very simple and it happened during a time where I started to experience people crushing on me after years of trying to get over my ex and trying to get myself back in the dating game.
May 2018 · 186
Nameless // Year Unknown
Pao May 2018
You always come to your defenses
Drawing your shields up
Where nobody can see the pain in your eyes
The contempt, the sorrow
You let those voices in your head seep into your bones
They whisper softly:
“Hey girl, never open your walls, it’s not time to play. They don’t want to see the ugly side of you”

You always come to your defenses
Whenever a situation
Gets too intimate
Drawing your shields up
To trick your enemies
That you got pride as bright as the sun above you
But that ain’t enough

Draw your shields down
Put away your defenses
Let people see the pain in your eyes
It’s okay to hurt
It’s okay to have feelings
It’s okay to be sensitive
this was another journal entry of mine but it never had a date or title. I tried to do a pattern of repeating several lines in each stanza.
May 2018 · 312
To be continued...
Pao May 2018

There is something inside me
It all starts with a quiver
A shake, a breath
A swarm in the mind
About the past, the future
Never the present
Never the appreciation of living
Never the appreciation of vulnerability

It rumbles down my arms, my liver
My lungs, my legs
Inwards and outwards
Taking over my body
this was one of my journal entries in June 2017. I wanted to publish it. It was never finished.
May 2018 · 214
Pao May 2018
Swaying back and forth
To the beat of the drum
Pounding in my heart
In the waves of the ocean

Howls traveling at the speed of light
It’s all I can feel in front of me
The salty aroma
Bittersweet and chilling

Momentum creeps in at my bedside
Shifting from silhouette to silhouette
Finding its way to me
Extending its arms
Beckoning me into the darkness
Where I am drifting
Away from the life I used to lead.
May 2018 · 340
Pao May 2018
Your words shaped as spears
Lunged towards me in overwhelming flames
Everything you could ever be
And everything you should have been
Created craters in my bones
Exposing the emptiness
And discontinuity that comes with growing up

South and northern poles
Magnetize within the fire blazing
Among the sunlight up above

Where were you
When I yearned for your wisdom
When I craved for your naive spirit

Where were you
When I need an escape
From everything that’s eating me up inside
Every single night past 12 in the morning

Discontinuity grows like the roses
In the garden of the past
Blooming in shades of washed out reds, blues and pinks
Soon they will consume my thoughts
Crawling up my throat and letting out
The spears you planted in me

— The End —