my darling,
tonight we are not broken

tonight,
we are stars

and even though,
we have died,
hundreds of years ago

no one on earth needs to know

tonight,
we burn bright

forget about about the past,
forget about our fight,
because tonight,
*we burn bright.

I asked you what it was like,
And if you think it's love,
Nothing you said made sense to me,
So it probably was.

The girl you met at a party
And bonded with over how your father's are *******,
And which year you wanted to **** yourselves.

Who, you would laugh with
But never date
Not just because she's gay,
But because her anxiety is crazy,
Like yours.

You will talk about beer
And she will notice that boys with drunk families either love
Or hate the stuff

She will see you growing older
Becoming a drunk like your father
And watching your potential
Go down the drain

Because you tell her how you missed 80 days of school
And they can't technically expel you
Because you had a doctors note for your anxiety
She tells you how she didn't learn anything in 6th grade
Except which pills to take
To numb her brain

She will hold your hand while you run down a hill
Away from the other 'normal' kids,
For quiet.

She will grab your shoulder when you tell her you punched a brick wall till your fingers broke
And tell you "buddy, get some better coping mechanisms"

You'll talk about beer again
And she'll talk about how flowers make her angry

You'll play truth or dare
With normal kids
And you will get defensive of her

Why did you get defensive of me
So quickly

Is it because I was vulnerable with you?

Is it because I hugged you when you left and told you

If your father ever hits you again

Call the ******* cops.

Is it because you see you in me?

Is it because I am the healthy now you strive to be

If she could keep you alive a little longer
She would show you all the songs she wrote for you

"I wish I knew you in 8th grade
Because I would've never let you near that belt in the first place"

You say you're happy you didn't **** yourself, because now you have her.

She talks to you everyday
And her dark comedy flies through
Stupid movie quotes

With her
You talk about the future
Like something you look forward to,
Not like a fairy tale your mother told you,
Before you knew what scars looked like,
Before you knew the color of your blood.

I kissed summer goodbye and it gave me ******,
That *****,
I bet it kisses all the teenagers.

Swim through
Darkness
Cling to stars

Swim through uncertainty
To a frozen lagoon on mars

Blue tails with
Silver scales

Pink hair
That drifts lazily

Eyes like diamonds that rain on Saturn
Fingers like Milky Way's
Rings like Jupiter

Hearts
Like the black holes
We're all afraid of

Vast
And terrifying
Unable to see
The inside
Without getting ****** up
Into mystery

So I thought I was depressed again.
Which is like,
Totally confusing because I was depressed last week and I shouldn't be due for another 'episode' for at least three days

Turns out I'm not depressed
Just severely ill
But its funny how I mix up all the symptoms now
Like being tired all the time
Or the headaches
Or the lack of appetite

So this was really confusing to me,
Cause I'm a girl who likes to eat,
When I'm healthy,

And mom kept asking me if I was okay,
Over and over
And I kept saying yes, I'm fine..
Just the usual.
Mom says I'm a little more pale then usual
A little more tired looking
And I say "wow thanks mom, like I totally care about appearances right now" and I laugh

And she doesn't

I only realized I was sick when a doctor told me I was,
Which is completely different from being depressed because the same doctor tried to tell me I wasn't

Sooooo confusing

So I'm actually sick physically for once?
Not just mentally.
Ha,
Isn't that funny.

Laughing kids,
Each smile painted on their face,
In whitening toothpaste,
Beautiful girls and,
Athletic boys,
And you,
And me,
The two from ****** up families,
Talking about our shared anxiety,
A party,
I will find the one most broken,
And talk to them,
Because everything they say is just,
So **** relateble,
You tell me you've broken fingers,
Punching things,
And everyone laughs and says:
"He totally has!"
And I tell you that my fingers never broke,
But my wall did,
On several occasions,
You tell me your dad,
Is always drunk as ****,
And I tell you mine didn't need alcohol to hit,
You tell me you never go to school because of your anxiety disorder,
And anger issues,
And depressive episodes,
I tell you: "oh my god me too!"
Because you're just,
So **** relateble.

Did you know?
That it's raining down the halls?
I started a fire,
And set off all the alarms.

So moisture sinks into the carpet and it remains there,
long after we've cleaned up.

So whatever hadn't burnt,
Has begun to rot.

Fall asleep in my lap like tangled jewelry,
I don't know where you begin,
And I end,
And it doesn't matter really.
The TV glows,
harry potter fight scenes
Or
some random 80s movie
'Cause I love those.

Lace your fingers,
And my fingers,
And your toes,
In my toes,
I'll put my head on your shoulder,
And you'll inhale slowly,

You play with my hair,
And I'll tell you,
You don't really know me.

paint the villain in your mind*
What do they look like?

Writing love poems to no one,
Is like making cookies for yourself,
Its still enjoyable
Even if you do it alone.

Smells like sleep,
Like sweat,
Like peaches,
Like fall,
Like clean hair,
And not so new,
Shoes.

Like skin
Like soft
*like you

Push my shoulder blades together,
Force my chest open
To breathe cold, frigid air.

Remove the collar from my shirt,
Suffocating me,

Keep me on the porch tonight,
To air out uncertainties,

Have the cold air dry my stinging tears.

My body shaking from the cold,
Or maybe my lack of breath.

"Come inside now! You will freeze!"
My aunt yells to me,

But out here,
I can breathe.

This is what the storm took out
you ******* ******* *****
Look out
Because right now I am calm
And that's the worst that this could get.

I look a little bit like a drug addict
(Old hoodie, bags under my eyes)
In a days mascara,
And last night messy bun.
My hands are shaking,
But not from drugs.

All black is normal,
Less then semi formal,
I guess you could say my out matches my in today.

I take problems,

like they're drugs,
get me a fix before I get fixed,
I'll always pay for them.

I'm nostalgic for a time that's not yet over,
The low hum glow of my phone,
Playing a new,
Chill band I found on Youtube at 3am.

Car ride,
With music blasting my eardrums,
While the shadows of trees cast on my face,
And warm air caresses my cheeks.

My hand on the wheel,
Of my mothers subaru,
Driving through school parking lots.

Lying on the grass,
Looking at the lake,
The sun sets,
And I experience a calm like no other.

"Hi!" I wave,
Another party,
New faces,
Music,
Friends.

More drives,
More music,

I pray this never ends

Cool day,
Sitting in this dressing room
Girls attack me with fits of laughter,
Begging for jokes,
For stories.
Asking me for anything,
To make them feel valued.
"My dad is horrible"
"My parents are divorced"
"I heard Anya cuts herself"
I give them advice,
Pretend that I'm wise,
Even though I'm trying to figure it all out myself.

Dark,
Stars,
Chill,
Night.
Sitting on swings,
Talking to you,
About our entire lives.

I'm nostalgic,

For a time thats not yet over.

But I'll be so devasted when it is.

We went on the road,
We yelled and ran,
Holding hands,
Our feet cold on rough, wet ground.

Stars bright,
Chilly night.

Darkness surrounds us,
Nothing but the low glow of the porch light,
Cold.
but the good kind of cold the cold that reminds you you're alive

On the stone steps your sister smokes her life away,
With stolen ciggerettes.

run,
run,
RUN.

Cold,
This is fun right?
Yes,
I turn to look at you,
But you're gone.

The safety of the porch,
Had called you,

I try to stand alone.
In a place where no cars go,

Alone,
Darkness is less inviting,
I look to the stars for comfort,
But find none,
By myself.

Lovely broken bibles,
Tearing at the seams,
Holy words unravel,
Praises hide the screams.

me and God took a hiatus

I found someone to blame.


I miss my man in the sky,
Most nights,
It was nice,
To have something to stand for,
Someone to look to,
An example,

A father.

Me and God took a little break,
For a long time.
When I was 9,
Where was he?
Goodbye house,
Goodbye parents,
Goodbye dreams.

I went to churches that preached hate,
And lost someone I loved,
To wicked, wicked drugs,

where was he?

I tried to find him in my heart,
I feared he'd fled,
I didn't know it was I,
who chased him out,
I didn't have him
Because I didn't want him.

We were on a break.


Then i got dizzy,

Randomly,

I made a lot of trips to the emergency room my 13th and 14th year of living,
Spent most of my time on hospital beds I began to memorize the E.R. nurses faces,
And which shifts they worked.
I became so familiar with pain,
And not being to breathe,
And medication,
After medication,

WHERE WAS HE?

now I am past most bad days,
And no longer need drugs to keep me sane,
But every once in a while I feel my faith flicker.

When I felt him the strongest this year,
I was in the middle of a field at 2am.
I was with my best friend,
And we were lying down,
Looking at the stars,

I stood up and felt so small,
So insignificant,

where was he?

I felt like the world could have swallowed me whole,


I felt that way when I was 9,
But I was on a car trip that would change my entire world,
I felt that way when I was 12,
But I was on a roof.

I hadn't felt this way in years,

It reminded me what it was like to want to die;


But I didn't.

Ah,

*there he is

Why
tiny sparks of electricity
I grab your arm
you turn to me
"Maybe we should walk"
maybe we should talk
You mean so much to me

Night
Dark
Turn off the light
I can't see your face
Touch my heart
Inches apart
Making my mind race

Over and under
Enclosed space
Not a trace
Of broken here
Nothing like pain
Or reality is anywhere near

Touch
Love
Why

Because we turned the lights off.

When's the last time you had sweets?
Colorful
And cold
And teeth rotting material,

When's the last time you had me?

The actual me,

Because I've known you for years,
And you've never known the real me.
Around you i'm quiet,
I'm kind
I'm never kind
And that isn't me,
I can't even be sarcastic
But I'm always overdramatic.

You're friends,
With the person I no longer am,
Not that you took anytime to get to know me but,


When I start to act
Like my actual self.

If you don't like that person,


You can give up, sugar.

Hey,
I'm ****!
What?
Oh sorry,
Let me explain.
I ****** my life,
So much.

Yes, I'm a ****,
I don't like to keep track,
Of the people I've ******
Woah Woah Woah,
Not like that,
I've just,
Messed some people up,
A lot.

Don't ask me why,
Maybe I was bored,
Or maybe I'm just an 'I love you'
*****.
What?
Is this getting confusing?
Cuz its not always me,
Who does the abusing,
I'll tell you I can count the people I've dated on my toes,
However most of them were hoes,
But its not the ones I've been with,
Its the ones I know I never will be.
So when you already emotionally distanced yourself from me...

Of course we made out on the floor!

Relationships are messy.
Especially,
If you don't have one.

I slouch,
I lean,
I walk around aimlessly.

I hum,
Without realizing,
I yell,
Without caring.

BE MORE AWAKE

I'm falling asleep in my breakfast bagel,

And yawning into 2am Mac and cheese,
I'm crying in cars,

I'm zoning out,
I forgot to breathe.

BE MORE AWAKE
She's not worth it.
More harm then good,
Making more problems,
You don't need.

I knocked something over.
(I'm in the kitchen what the hell?)
I don't remember drinking tea..

Did I eat?

I feel faint,

NOPE

Run down to the kitchen,
Open the fridge,
Zone out,
Its 4am.

Close the fridge


Go back to sleep

I'm disposable
Its simple to you
I don't mean as much to you
As you do to me
And that's the age old problem.

I over analyze things
Thinking I'm crazy
And everybody tells me I am.

But somehow
with you
I'm always right.

And it isn't right,
The way you push me out
And it isn't okay.

Kissing you,
Was a mistake.

And I'm over it
Complaining about things I can't change
Yes
My social anxiety is annoying
You don't have to tell me.

You have to pretend to be bad,
To make up for your lack of personality.

And you still try to talk to me,
(Eventually)

Normally.

Shaky hands,
As you lift the,
Glass to your lips.

If you breathe wrong you waste ****.
That's what I've learned at least,

From you.

Stealing kisses,
Under moonlight.

We don't need drugs,
We're high off life.

Adrenaline pumping through our veins,
As we silently,
Quietly,
Run up the road,
Bare foot,
Holding flipflops,

So your mom doesn't hear us,
Running away from the house,
From our demons.

Only we exist,
In this nightly world,
Darkness surrounds us,

But its not scary,
Its comforting.

Heaving chests,
Lips connect.

We're tired from chasing a feeling,
Out of breathe from running away,

And i'll always have you,
Nothing can take you away.

Its summer, and we're teenagers,
And we're stupid.

We're getting married one day anyways.

What happens when its quiet?
When there's nothing left to say,
When woods, and fields,
Aren't miles away.
When roads are quiet and footsteps are the only thing interrupting your thoughts?
Which,
Are always louder alone.
Birds always sing louder when they're  alone.

Anxiety likes to stand on my chest.
And cool breezes, and sunsets,
And quiet roads,
seem to be the only thing,

That reminds me,


I'm me.

pick, take, place, return,
repeat,
no more,
I promise.
I return.
I pick, I take, I place, I return.
constantly.
I pick the life, I take their time, I place it back on the counter,
a week later,
and then I return.
to the wisdom creator.
the power,
to relieve me of my woes,
of everyday life.

she, the one with the computer, and the scanner,
has the power to give me other lives,
or to make me love mine,

a little more

OH GOOD GOD
trays of empty cigarettes lay displayed,
I find happiness in the strangest of places,
I'M NO GOOD AT INTRODUCTIONS,

So I'll make this sweet,
Sweet,
And well,
Brief.

DON'T GET ME WRONG!
I love to speak,
Shaky hands,
What was that equation?
WAIT!
That's not geometry!

HOLY SWEET WINE!
I'm running out if time!
****..
does this have to rhythm?!
****!

I can feel water between my toes,
Filling up my ears.
I'm in bed?
Is that normal?

I have this theory,
That normal doesn't exist..

CUZ WE'RE ALL CRAZY...




right...?

All the card holders are empty,
ABUSED? PLEASE CALL!
****** ASSAULT SURVIVAL HOTLINE!
SUICIDEL TEEN HOTLINE!
These cards fill the library restroom,
(Library? REFUGE)
It's great these organizations exist,
Yes help,
More please!
What's more disturbing to me,
Is the fact that we need them,
Or even more so,
That the holders are empty.
The victims are,
Only increasing in numbers,
people are just becoming numbers,
And teenagers,
Are just statistics anymore.

I don't like cold technology,
I'd prefer bulky computers,

I don't like kindles,
I prefer books,

I prefer blue eye shadow,
To contouring.

I,
Was born in the wrong time.
I wish life was like the 80s,
When children still played outside.
I like old 'scary' movies that aren't scary at all,
But today's 'horror'
Is,
Not even laughable.

I wish I could've watched Star Trek the original series on tv,
When I came home from school,

Or at least seen the original Star Wars, in the theaters.

This generation just doesn't do it for me at all.

I'm reading,
My third book this week,
I'm eating,
Swallowing literature whole,
One after the other,
A light snack,
(Teeny bopper, singletons)
But sometimes those stories don't satisfy.
(Poe, Cummings,)
Oh,
The list grows,
Like vegetables,
In a garden of wonder,
I wonder,
How many I can devour..
Before I explode.

Cloudy skies,
Stormy conversations.
Lightning strikes of vocal chords.
Warm air,
Hot breath.
Clouded.
Clouded minds,
Foggy observations.
This conversation. Is electric.

Back when,
My converse were brand new,
I had starry nights,
With you,
Back when,
Holding hands,
Wasn't taboo.
I long to go,
Back with you

I want it to be summer,
And I want to be in love,

But I can't just skip to that part,
And it's starting to depress me.

I've got planets in my ears,
Stars in my eyes,
Black on my body,
And a heart full of lies.