thousand words worth
can never even
describe
the darkness
within.

I was falling into a deep pitch of darkness,
never having a thought of being rescued,
and only the thoughts of me falling into the abyss of darkness clouded my mind like how 21-gun salute resonates the deafening silence on one's death.

But I was saved by a blinding light,
warm arms wrapped me with comfort and security,
hands to hands with mine,
to stop me from falling.

Never have I thought I would be save by an angel in admits of all darkness that was eating me alive.
An angel he is, though we both said that we are of bad souls like devils.
Despite so, both our demons played well.

My heart beats fast around him,
and every poetry I write seems to only be indirectly pointed out of what seems to be him.

To say that this is a sickly puppy love wouldn't describe what I have for him.
An addiction, a complex disease, a deadly infatuation,
are what more seems to describe him in literal.

As if cigarettes and bottles of beers were more than enough to ****,
I might eventually die from the presence of him.

On 2505, I brave myself,
confronting or more like pouring my tongue-tied words with feelings of afraid of being rejected,
but wholeheartedly he accepted me.
The feeling were mutual and an awkward kiss we shared.

I feel my dark world lighting up,
blinding me in the consuming brightness.

Ever since then,
I felt more sick.
It wasn't a negative effect,
but I was very much deeply fallen in those brown irises of his.

His words, his movements,
the way his hands fit with mine,
the way his lips capture mine in perfection,
how could I have still survive all these while?

As day passes,
I questioned myself,
"Was I worth it?"
"Am I good enough for him?"

The thoughts of him with another sickens me and made my blood boil.
But he ensures me by saying the same.
And again, the kisses came after.

As days passed,
I, who had been busy often,
found less time to spend with him.
Getting tired and frustrated at times,
but I always feel guilty.

He would ask me to sleep and rest,
though I can be quite stubborn,
but eventually my body gave in.

Despite so, he would never get mad at me,
and I wonder and wonder..
was I ever that good of a lover for him?

All these doubts are still in mind,
but nevertheless,
I  hope that he wouldn't get bored of him.
And if ever do,
I would probably never stop chasing him.

Desperate and deeply in love,
that is the word to describing me.
But afterall, I'm just hopelessly in love with the man who is everything to me.
My best friend, my lover, my saviour, my anchor, my beautiful euphoria
and most importantly,
my everything.

Can you see how badly you have infatuated me with?

my inner demon tells me,
that if doesn't want me to die.

my inner demon is not a friend,
it enjoys seeing me suffer.

my inner demon laughs in joy,
at the cuts and scars I have.

my inner demon pulls me back and forth,
the cliff of misery.

my inner demon smiles in amusement,
when the people I know leave me.

my inner demon pour alcohol on my wounds,
when I'm crying.

my inner demon consumes me entirely,
and I to surrender to it.

my inner demon holds me captive,
and I to to be inflicted of pain for it's happiness.

little devil,
when will you leave me?

consume me,
fully.

eat me entirely.

*I don't want to suffer anymore.

Your eyes are like the infinite night,
me getting lost in those eyes that are of the abyss of darkness.

Your voice speaks like constellations,
always searching of you,
getting lost in the pretty of you.

Your whole existence makes me crave of you,
like how the stars and moons are alike.

You entirely,
is mine as to how the stars belong to the night sky,
as to how the night shades over the lonely ones,
as to how the planets are lined one another.

hold me,
never let me sink.

hold me,
don't let me drift.

hold me,
I'm drowning.

hold me,
I'm slowly fading in surreality.

hold me,
I just need someone to assure me.

hold me,
I'm forgetting more and more of my existence.

to say i like you is an understatement.
i am more infatuated than you think.

the word 'like' wouldn't really explain
the vast feeling i have for you.

you, almost like the sun and moon,
i am captivated. 
entranced by you entirely.

and as each day passed,
i question myself whether if
i was deemed worthy of you.

you can have a much more better option
but you choose me.

you would have been better off with
someone else more better than i am,
but i can't seem to let others have you.

so to say that i like you is really an understatement,
i would say, i am infatuated by you.

and is very much deeply
and dangerously in love with you. 

you complete me in many ways possible.

We were both very close,
like two peas in a pod.
Me and you against the world.
Why have we drifted?

We used to go out on sundays,
movie was our weekend thing,
and now those times are gone.
Why have we drifted?

You said you were doing all these for me,
so I can have a better future,
then you're asking me when will I leave home.
Why have we drifted?

And now you're out with some other girl,
coming home late,
is there no more family in us?
Why have we drifted?

I used to want to ask for hugs,
and maybe you were my shoulder to lean on,
now I don't even want to talk to anyone.
Why have we drifted?

You were my anchor,
my support,
and now all I ever want is to die.
Why have we drifted?

I am no watch dog,
waiting for you to come back.
I am sick of all of this.
Why have we drifted?

Where are you when I needed you most?
I was your little girl,
and you my hero.
Why have we drifted?

We have we drifted,
and we will just keep drifting
                  
                                        and drifting...

A pair of blooded dried raven wings,
and you to sweep me away from darkness.

You are of all bad things combined together,
like my addiction of dried leaves and bittersweet fizziness.

You say you are the demon king,
yet you shower me with affection and held my hand tight from falling too deep in the infinite darkness.

You, the anchor of me,
and I, wanting to submit myself more in you.

You smell like my favourite addiction,
eventually, you became one.

sooner or later,
you might leave me.

but for now,
allow me to find comfort in the warmness of you.

I got mad,
made suicidal tweets on twitter,
then I get a notification.

You, a friend who I haven't talk to for a long time,
direct messaged me,
and ask me if I was alright.

I felt happy in that moment,
that someone cared.
And that someone was you.

You called me after,
assured that I do not harm myself.
We talked for an hour and i never felt so happy.

Thank you,
for calling me,
Thank you for listening.

If you hadn't,
I would have scars and,
My demon would have been dancing in happiness tonight.

We say that we should take care of Mother Nature,
yet we destroy it in every hauntingly way possible.

We say that we shouldn't judge others by how they look,
yet we call them names and make them feel insecure.

We say that we should be nice towards others and to treat others with equality,
yet we backstab people behind their backs.

We say that we should love ourselves more as we love others,
yet we carry the scars that are like our clothes we wear daily.

We say that we should be thankful of what we have,
yet we take advantage of every kindness given at an open door.

We say that we should educate the future generations,
yet we are the ones to poison their mind with all inhumane acts.

We say that we should go back to things before technology were everyone's life,
yet we are attached and no one seems to leave their gadgets and making oral conversations.

We say that we should make a big difference,
yet we are so backtracked of what our surrounding seems to be.

i
you could be like the vast ocean,
unreachable and would stretch from east to west,
yet every time I find myself on the edge of the plank,
I se beauty within the marvels of mysteries of you.

ii.
maybe like the waves,
we could only hope to meet continuously,
but when touch is not all,
i could only miss the bubble you form.

iii.
maybe i could miss you,
like little mermaid wishes to meet the land,
and that the land and sea could never meet.

iv.
and if this love isn’t all,
i would forever be missing you,
and loving you,
till the deepest part of the ocean.

I settle for pain instead of happiness,
and sink myself in the abyss of darkness.

I settle for the lack of conversations,
and rather not voice what I want to say.

I settle for the winter than the summer,
where I cave myself in my own comfort zone in blues.

I settle for indies than dynamic music,
for songs describe me for who I am.

I settle for the silence and surrender,
and hope to be buried 6ft under ground.

I settle for death,
for being alive is too painful and I'm barely breathing.

We draw a line,
to which we fully accept,
that our future will be scary.

We, the people of tomorrow,
are no longer afraid,
of images of war-bounded victims,
or even ****** scenes of murders and rapes,
as they are far too negatively common.

Technology would come first before our very own lives,
forgetting the true meaning of life,
friendship and relationship bounded without faces and proper communication of spoken words.

Money would be everything,
a source of good and evil,
we would either bath ourself in luxuries,
or live like ants being stomped upon.

Families would have communication breakdown,
as we face the screen of our gadgets,
never seemingly to leave it even for a moment.

The countries' economy bounded to the damp,
as we slowly run out of natural resources,
yet we never seem to care,
living still as if this crisis is a passing stone.

Our earth,
mother nature dies,
as chemical and radioactive takes over,
we all falter the line of sickness,
and depending on machines than herbs.

What would be of a world without care?
A world of climbing trees and running around the park is gone.

Empty lands now become tall skyscrapers or a high-end shopping complex,
playgrounds are now found on our iPads.

Never will the future generation experienced the joy we all grew up to as a child.
No more singing in the fields with our guitars,
No more running freely at open area.
No more water games and fun ***** activities to which our parents would scold us when we play.

We would all hold our heads up high,
thinking we're superior.
When in reality,
we are all coming to an end.

The future is scary.
And we would watch it pass us as if nothing much has changed.

It's insane that we could keep up,
to the noises around us,
screaming,
telling us off,
reprimanding us in loud tones.

I confined myself in a room,
only almost absolute silence
and the blowing of the fan heard,
never would I want,
to give up this tranquility.

It's too noisy outside,
even whispers could be shouts and screams,
I feel the world spinning,
my breath,
everything is so suffocating.

Words becomes aloud,
drowning in deep thoughts of others,
almost feeling abstract to stabbing,
depression kicks in,
and I'm not the same.

Please stop the voices,
the loud calls of unwanted words,
the clarity of speech.
It hurts.
It hurts a lot.

Rain,
the sound of raindrops,
on my rooftop.
a pitch of black.
                 deep within.

Rain,
a whole insecurity,
fills with overwhelming,
like the stars of the dark night.
Holds me. Consumes me.
Eat me alive
              and left me in
                           silence...

Rain,
my demon comes to play,
in grieve.
in absolute compassion.
in death.
Seeking vengeance of the day,
and bearing the false.

Rain,
my companion,
drip, drop, drip, drop.
                    consumes me still...
                           little...
                                  by little.

Rain,
for eternity,
could leave me not,
even happiness found,
can never overcome.

                          *Drip, drop, drip, drop.

I will hold you,
I will follow you to the darkness.

Anything is fine,
as long I am there with you.

I will let you break me,
and let you explore my flaws.

It'll be okay,
because you fix the broken me.

I will let you use me,
for happiness or lust.

And that's okay,
because by the end of the day,
I see you smile.

I let you abuse me,
because I see the flame in you,
wanting to be extinguish.

And after,
when you're cool down,
I see galaxies in your infinite eyes.

I let you punch me,
give me bruises and blood spill everywhere.

That's alright.
Because after,
you'll tell me that you're sorry and you'll say you love me.

I let you do such painful actions on me,
because I know,
no matter how badly you treat me,
you care for me,
treat me properly,
tell me you love me,
let me explore your flaws.

Poetry in me,
poetry in you,
We the humans,
Revolve in poetry.

You're sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter.
But either way, I find myself still going to you.

Your lips beg for me to kiss them over and over again.
Oh, how luscious they look when you seem so lonely.

Your eyes beg for me to fall into the abyss of those infinite eyes of yours.
To find myself lost in the galaxy within.

Your hand reaches out for me when I'm lost,
and how perfectly they seem to fit together.

Your laughter sounds like angels singing,
a smile plastered on my face after.

Your warmth calls out for me,
especially on days where I rage and fear most.

Your kisses brings me a beautiful euphoria,
I can always seem to never want to be out of this.

Your presence and existence is more than just a body,
wanting to wake up with you next to me when I have nightmares at 3AM.

You in whole,
a addiction more addictive than cigarettes and drugs combined,
*is an addiction I can never get over of.

to completely say that,
i am strong,
would be a lie.

I bask in darkness,
hoping my demons would calm,
and that i wouldn't think of death.

darkness, fear and loneliness,
engulf me wholefully,
and i to submit in ordeal.

must i be like this?
to always seek comfort of blood and pain,
and to make me forget just a bit.

downing pills and alcohols,
taking a long drag of smokey puffs.
what more would pleasure me the thought of being free?

to seek myself in the dumps,
the bathtub that sees me more often than the garden,
to feel completely in a state of trance.

am i to still feel what my demons want?
am i still finding solace in the dark?

a sun by the wrist,
what more to say?

to all the attempted suicidals,
eating disorders,
self harming,
stop.

for you are all perfect in your way.

never change,
for anyone,
anything,
anyhow.

today is your day,
i love you,
each and every one of you.

*let's get through this together

It was all dark before I met you,
and darkness elope me,
and I find myself sinking further,
and further into the abyss where no life would be.

And suddenly,
my world light up like how you are the Sun of which consumes me entirely,
and of the Rain,
as you came in almost immediately.

I would used to think that I have storms raging in me,
a mass of ultimate destruction,
but you clear them away,
and grew flowers in me which you would never pluck even if they are pretty.

I would find myself in the comfort of bittersweet drinks which infuriate my mind,
making me dizzy.
But now, I find myself in your comfort,
you evading my lungs with your cigarette-scented breath,
leaving me hazy.

At 3AM before, insanity would kick in and my demons would rise,
leaving me to suffer in delusions and fear eating me alive,
At 3AM now, I dream of technicolor and your arms wrapped around mine,
reassuringly as you whisper words that cuts my breath.

My inbox mail would usually be empty,
and to be filled up with advertisement and radical nonsense.
It is now filled with messages and poems from you,
of which that I left them be ever since I met you.

Death would often spark a sinful thought,
that the nerves of my brain would always response.
But now ever since you told me you want to live a lifetime with me,
I, too, wish to live a possible lifetime with you.

The night is still young,
But the stars are out.

With our intertwined hands held,
we watch the shiny twinkling sky.

Memories flashing upon us,
as small talk begins.

Time's running out,
as you had your last breath.

Tears slipped from my face,
as you whispered your last words.

you are of broken pieces,
scattered all over.

you are of cuts and scars,
blood stained-blade is your friend.

you are of a mess,
hair all over your face, makeup ruined.

you are of darkness,
wishing to be one with the moon and stars.

you are of silence,
like a doll, oh so mute.

you are of strength,
holding yours tears in so others don't worry.

you are of loneliness,
confining all your deepest darkest secret within.

but you are you,
the guy or guy who held on,

despite all the harm you inflict yourself,
you're still here.

*and you should love yourself,
you are perfect just the way you are.

Nights like this,
had me thinking,
under the abyss of milky way and constellations above me,

if anyone is suffering?
if anyone is homeless?
if anyone doesn't have parents?
if anyone is being bullied?

if anyone is in grieve?
if anyone is lonely?
if anyone is dying?
if anyone is wondering like how I am now?

And I wonder and wonder,
even the heartbreaking truth is right in front of my face.
yet I just keep wondering.

And here I am,
of all bitter and sweet,
and how fortunate am I,
to be alive and maybe content with where and who I am now.

but I can't help but
keep wondering...

*if anyone feels the same as I do?

the stars shiver in a distance,
as i look for you under the moon.

you who have left me,
under a letter on my desk.

*what more do i have to say?