Mind is roaming like a pariah dog in some dusty lanes and lonely paths, Sleeping on debris, regaling in waste and dirt. I was its master once But has lost the control now, Time ahead looks bleak with the equation reversing slowly When I see me trembling before his bark.
It only took a few days for you to seep into my mind and reside in the darkest parts. But once I knew you were there, I didn't try to rid of you. No, you gave yourself to me and I accepted you with open arms and an empty stomach.
Like a parasite you ****** the life out of me. You wore me down to where I napped three times a day. My stomach never satisfied; either empty or stuffed. My period stopped for five months. Stomach pains worse than any pain I’ve experienced before. Living in a constant fear that my stomach acid would burn a hole through my esophagus.
But you didn’t let any of these ailments stop us. You taught me to embrace them, they needed to happen. You convinced me to enjoy the pain I inflicted to myself. Just collateral damage to the ultimate goal of thinness. You pushed me so far deep inside my head, I was separated from the shell of my body. I couldn't recognize myself, I deserved to be nobody. But I didn’t know that then, you told me that was exactly who I was supposed to be, the real me.
I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you My life it revolves The sun the stars the moon I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer Tears morph my body’s shape Blurred like spilled paint I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face I can’t breathe, so faster I try Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die But the most I do is cry.
I drift lonely, lonely for you You’re my depression, you’re my muse Self hatred claims my compass, So I follow it into the forest And loathe your loving, It infects me like fungus Now I’m lost and scared Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse
I idolize you and your flaws How you seem so free While around me forms a mist of misery A clouded conscious with what I made you my life Now I hate everything that I am, And nothing’s right Unmotivated, unsure I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am Still on my knees I pray to you, The blood slain of my own lamb. My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more I don’t know why I can’t end this war.