Thrown against the wall
fragility will not find home in my bones
I have picked myself up from the hardwood
more times than you could understand.
the moon has traced my tears
as they fell down the golden, cracked
floral and lace, carefully absorbing them
into its tides. a controlling force in itself —

I became her.  

This time, I say hello to you in a different
light. a light that is my own as my strength
shoves through you in waves… a power that
sweeps you off your feet.

A collision of matter
created and never destroyed.
Universes interlaced within
the same sphere.
Holy in nature.
7 year tribulation of souls
7 years of finding truth —
Interlocked fingers;
carve yourself back into
me.

Understand there is no
god within this realm —

A constant creation
of all things.
A destroyer of
the divine.

I am water and made of earth
Trace the dew on my thighs
I mold myself to your shape
Breathing under blankets of solace
Light touches only parts of us
Fingers run across your cheek
Lightly stepping through bounds
Interlaced fingers — palms upward
Inside, my soul shakes.
God of life, take me.

battling bits of depression when you can’t identify the cause
is fighting a force field that you parallelingly approach infinity with.
You see it, you dont see its end.
You see yourself, you know youre not going to end.
But you wish it would go away (which one?).

Fake a smile and dont talk to anyone about it
in fear of being vulnerable.
Feel your way through zones of safe
head nods and small talk until you can lie back on the couch
and be wisped away by dreams that quickly turn to nightmares.

shed a tear or two in the shower so your dog
cannot lick them from your neck.
hiding your vulnerabilities from even the most vulnerable.
breathe in the cool breeze from outside
…through a 3” opening…
in hopes of a resurgent power, but only finding a gripping need to
not. do. anything.

I guess its better when you write about it,
but now I can’t put it away… here it is —

in the open.

hello, nice to admit you.

All the things I am scared to say
pile in my brain;  begging to flood over
they don’t know their own names, but
crave to be heard.

your voice. its vibrato, true velvet
floating across every atom of my being
a truth spoken that only comes from your lips
a masterpiece no mere humans could create

my darling, do you sift through the clouds
scanning my eyes as I worship the light you bring?
do you hear me call your name as my dreams
project themselves toward where you are.

your eyes. their stare, a protective state
I have never known; dancing across my
every move. laughter finds itself within the
outlying colors of your world. Don’t you see…

don’t you see, our eyes match intensities to
create another creation. a world colliding
but not in a collision. A big bang, but in serenity.
a secret kept; only for us.

please, don’t allow me to write about the hands
that write me everyday. defining a path in the dark
a leader, led by truth and goodness
sought by many; found by me.

I fall into an eternity, wrapped into you —
you rise and fall; I reciprocate. We are
patterns; carefully placed alongside
juxtaposing backgrounds, only to become one.

I surrender, fully. I understand now. For you
my heart would fall from my chest, fulfilled
it leaps.
I will not chase it, it has found its freedom.

Freedom in the throwing up of hands.
A white flag positioned

I dream of death by bullets
entering the jaws of strangers
exiting my own skull
my own mortality is fragile
in the hands of my instability
As I shoot, like fireworks, across
the blue sky and paint it red
is that my finality?

the strength in you
is voraciously eaten
by the soul of me.
your hands introduce
the touch of messiahs  
to my frail , battered skin.
the tips of your cosmos
trace my spine
where your lips soon follow.

I am an altar.

Stuck in the swallowing
emptiness. Unkown envy
screams from within my 
shuddering bones.
I breathe and try to ground
my mind as it skips among
the fields of hellfire
that surround my very being.

Of course, I always find
everlasting comfort in their
warmth.
As they burn my flesh
from my bone,
I am reminded of
the welcoming numbness.

I reach for your aches
your skin jumps away;
in pride you find truth
but insist I am your
     only lie.

Eyes of brass search for harm,
creating their narrative --
things to pass.

But dear,
Can you see the wounds along
my already scarred
flesh.

We should be breaking bread,
a communion of souls.
Instead my welts bleed as your words land,
unrealizing across something
already so broken.

Again, I bleed in painful silence.

red wine and tobacco
fill the cracks of the words we
are unable to let roll off the
unstable tongue

your skin crawls
as you shiver across
your own heavy gaze

I tremble into myself

skies fall around us
and drops of sunlight
shift into the room

we are picturesque parallels
of the approving universe  

every finite moment
has become infinite

my chaos has been calmed 

by the pulse of your world.

you trace my pain and show
me its okay to be afraid

as long as the fear creates
something beautiful.

the concrete beneath our feet
turned to **** rugs peeking between
our toes.

headlights from a passing car
illuminate what is already clear
as you pull my waist in closer.

music drifts in the background
as words unspoken
spark creation under the soft
sounds of our eyes meeting.

Take your shovel
shield the light
it burns my skin.

You have unearthed me
when I did not know
I was buried.

Internal sufferings
my home
now brought into

open air.

writhing.

my lashes bleed in fear
I escape — away from myself
the warmth reminds me

my scars shine in the sun

cover me, until I understand.

Running from the
chipped paint and
peeling wallpaper.
The exposure.
The naked vulnerability.
Chasing dreams
that scare me
only to find grounding
in fear.

The dripping faucet
was acid on my skin
in streams down my face.
A feeling of warmth
that burned.
Scarred.
A sudden change.
Please, not again.

The ceiling caves in —

I can never show anything
but the reflection of a life
that is broken.
No matter how the claws
shred me
from underneath my
own skin…

Trapped in escape.

standing across from me
a room full of sound
everything is so quiet

folded arms scare me

but then something changes
I see your eyes
they are scared too

I dont feel so alone

look into my heart
see what no one has
truth of outpouring
emotions and demons

you are sacred cloth
          I reach for you
you are holy water
          Baptize me
you are a crucifix
          I worship you
you are christ
          Save me

they burn at the sight of you

Twins, two of one face
Spinning across time
Past workings of innate fate
Force shut the bleeding eyes
Black under the light of the night
Warmth runs between the other’s fingers
Blood anxiously circling around itself
Find home in its cooling on the skin
Must pull open the lids to find the irises
and they fall like pedals into folding palms
A crushing weight.  

I am free again
Her eyes are gone
The blood is drained
Face disintegrates  

She drags her bones across my flesh
internally I ache,
but the irises imbedded into palms
give me fight and take away fear
of her resurrection.

As your eyes
dance across mine
our irises bounce light
off the other's glare.
I understand —
finally —
where people find gods
create altars
build temples
give sacrifice

how they devote
entire lives
to things unseen

only felt.

You held my heart;
gently, coddled.
Then you held my fear;
fingerprints, cheekbones.
A sinking feeling and
snap realization of pain.
Bone to Bone.
Bone to Metal.
Words creep into my soul
as it topples over edges.
Highlight my insecurities,
as makeup bonds to the tips
of your fingers.
Feast on my tears, they roll
because of you.

Feasts.
Fears.
Fists.
Faces.
Fire.

These flashing embers are different
from the ones reflecting from your
eyes in a not so distant past.
I fall in a different way,
I run in vain.
Cursed by the universe;
inflicted pain
will forever remain a constant.

Reality of galaxy tracers
sinking into the side of my face.

the holes in your soul are
filled by the tears that fell
for lessons learned long ago.
the body’s basic desire for healing
creates a hammock for new hearts
craving to become full.  

you stand here, now
cleansed by the fires
of a hell that you didn’t ask for —
burning with the best of us.

Heavy feet fall on the steps
outside my door.  I cannot
let them in. They demolish
my mind as I try to stare
peacefully out the window —
passed the too same infrastructure.
It ***** with my mind.

The illness creeps in the corners of the
panes. They can’t find
their way in, but they know
I can see them. Fixated. They feel
my sheer panic. My understanding
is tainted by my watchers.
They feel my pulse accelerate and
laugh as my veins pump blood
toward their thirsty mouths.

Millions of teeth. Coming after
me.

I am eaten alive

by the watchers
by the knowers

time isn’t lost anymore,
no longer do I watch
the hands of the clock
waste away through a
film of sadness
in my melting eyes.

you have found me,
a me that I didn’t know
I still had.
the strength in your
eyes translates itself
into the tips of your fingers
and the trace of your lips
in the divots of my spine.  

trace away the prayers
of previous mistakes
show me religion
through your infinite pulse
of grace and power.

my red runs through the blues
of you, as we become the veins
of our own universe.

voraciously consume me
in ways only stars consume
themselves.

Jump from the building,
fall so quickly the lights
turn to stars and
cannot put their arms around
you in time.
Slit your own throat to watch
yourself drown in creation.
Pull the nails from your eyes
and place them in your coffin —
home.
An ant, imagine, burned by the
flame. Your soul splattered
across the picturesque skyline—
art.
Ink of a life never told across
windshields, across concrete,
across guardrails.
“Just ******* do it.” Your body
ceases obeying its abuser.
Only the mind spreads the
blood of your soul, when you
least expect it.

Its fight or flight
when it comes down
to the end of things

flight is comfortable
we walk away with less
— external — bruises

fight is harrowing
its a double edged
sword, my dear

bruises and scrapes
show on our flesh
but — internally — thrive

what to do with yield signs
thrown in my greener grass
is this the other side?

paradise turns, choked
choked to undergrowth
and vermin

a misunderstanding of
what a truth is

perception versus reality

everyone envies the moon;
gazing on her beauty

they do not realize the light
is not her own and
they do not realize how she worships
the sun’s kiss — healing her fragility

she is battered, bruised, scarred.  
millions of meteors have taken aim
at her with destructive intent.

nevertheless, look up —
find a reflection of your mind
drawn out by the stillness of her
orbit and the closeness of his heartbeat

then dare to travel to her rocky surface.

I guess its the way
you wrap yourself around me
and the way I fit in the spaces
between your breaths  
as lavender smoke fills the room
and my mind fills with words unspeakable
and our bodies find each other
in the dimmed light
under the spell of the moon.

Dearest Lover,

I write because I am scared
to speak.
Taboo to the world, I have
within myself become closed.
I wish so badly to tell you to run,
run from who I am —
even though you claim to know.

If you do, why are you here?

I see the moon in upside-down phases,
the sun does not shine through my
***** windows.
I wear the universe on me
and keep it within me.

People have thrown me to the
skies, thinking I would not shine.

Looking back, they see my gleaming
light shooting at them faster than
their mind can comprehend.
It is only then they wish to pull me
close — pull me from the sky they
tossed me too.

Dearest lover,
join me
I can be your Regulus.

I am still here
remind myself to quit
quit subjecting myself
nothing but failure
leave my mind and
fall into the safety of
my heart.

My outlook has been
skewed. knocks along the
temples ache in the pain
a diluting of happiness
and a concentration of fear.

Wipe the tears from my eyes
and peer into the windows
clouded by misunderstanding
hold me until I understand
you feel home in the beat of
my veins.

A perpetual reality
of a disillusioned life.
I scream inside, praying
no one hears, but someone
knows. Recognizing my scream
as their echo.

A fateful resurrecting
of realities.
Only understood
within each other.

spinning away from my own reality
an out of body experience
I am trapped in skin
slamming against the walls
I suffocate in layers of flesh
gnashing, bone against bone
crumbling to dust.

hair falls down the drain
as my tears find themselves
inconspicuously riding among the
streams of heat.

I slide down the cold plastic
a scolding reminder of reality

grounding myself

watching the steam create drops
a mind eager to escape confines

Fear lingers the air
A rush of emotions
unprepared
my guard was down
safety in the plush maroon
blanket shrouding my tear-filled face.

I have begun to escape the bliss
I have seen the bad in myself
I have seen that you see them too

I am no longer the epitome of your
perfection, you scrape across me
with your saddened eyes

You see the flaws I let seep from my shell
The labyrinth of my mind invited you in
but you got lost
slamming against the walls
an anger is misunderstanding
an angst in the unknown

I wish I could calm the tempest
that has found home in your temples
veins arise in anger and lack of oxygen

my dear, I used to be your breath of fresh air
now I am toxic waste
flooding your system
only to drown you in the short comings of
me.

the push of my mind
falls into lavender fields
velvet night brushes against cheek bones
exposed skin floats in time
ecstasy is exposed through the flow of cold

the day unveils things too warm
instead, fall with me into the dark
as my mind incandescently
illuminates the world

The pen in your hand
spills the blood you wish
your eyes could.
Sitting, staring into the
white abyss. Thinking,
stab them in the throat,
dear. Watch the blood spill
from their lifeless iris. Don’t
be so kind as to close their lids.
They should see you,
we all should see you.

If I had the chance to go back
I would not love you any less
I would still grab your arms
pull you close to me
Capture your gaze and find the
universe you’ve tucked so far
inside
feel where you jaw bone pokes out
slightly working its way into your
neck, to your shoulders, to your chest,
I would still place my head there
and listen to the heart that beats within
I would still imagine the blood coursing
through your veins also provided me life.
Loving you less would be impossible.

But, I would listen harder. I would listen
to the sound of your voice dropping in conversation
The way your face falls when I try to lift you up
when you just weren’t ready
the pressure I put on you would become light
no more lead in your pockets at the hands of me

I only want to take them away.
become what you know you need in me.

I guess
after all
we are all afraid
of the depths

being pulled under
into darkness
by the force
of tides

without any rescue

and I guess safety
is found in the
eyes of your lover
as you find
they are the thing
pulling you down
in to their arms
— in to love.

Revisiting the oceans;
pulled away from death
by the thin lines of air
hanging above my head

you pull me under, again.
I have survived — why must you
keep grasping at my ankles
gnawing at my flesh

I am reaching to the cosmos for
rescue, but the water is warm.
Do I drown in the sea or dance
among the stars?

my eyes
drag across
the world in
front of me.

from darkness
to light
I am tired
but awake.

a new life.
reborn from the
grasps of death.
slightly conscious.

around me
I see faces
— unfamiliar.

Your touch fills the cracks
of my crumbling flesh,
you hold my soul at the tip
of your fingers —
love finds itself tracing
the dangers of my mind
with ease.

Can’t you see, dear? you are
becoming
my god.

Silence.
Stigma.
Don’t speak. It is not
real. Nothing, is real.
Real until you hold it
inside, hold it until
you cannot breathe.
**** it. Strangle me.
The thoughts alone
drive me to solitude,
stuck in the meadows
of my mind.
Flooding. The green is
turned to red.
A bath of blood,
a cleansing of the pure.
No staff is needed here.
No god.

Welcome to the real world,
                                                 *****.

What is this thing people
search so endlessly for.
love is only temporary.
A stepping stone in the
essence of life.

Grow together and then
grow apart. 
Different stages introduce
different actors
all hoping for best performance.

The dogs above me
bark until I shut
them out. A metaphorical
strangulation of purity.
A weary progression
toward insanity.
Bukowski sits beside
me. Limp with the
dread of life
as I flip through his words.
I cannot find myself
because I am wearing my
lover’s socks and
praying to a god I know
does not listen.

echoes fall on my skin
like ripples of fear
a lonely gaze toward pattern
ignores the warmth behind my eyes
I trace the veins of my hand
rolling bones and tendons
a feeling of solace
the sound of my own breaking
under pressure I caused

a lilac touches the nape of my neck
soft and forgiving
a grace I do not grant myself
serenity found in chills
interrupting ripples
disturbing the disturbance

My body is yours, now.
Do not be afraid.
Trace my galaxies.
Explore my oceans.
Go deeper
into me
than any of the others.

I give this to you.
A sacrifice to the pure.
Hold me as I tremble under
your anticipated touch.

I see your gentleness trying
to fade. Let your demons flock
to me. I will feed all
of your addictions.

but only if you let me.

The warmth of alone
encapsulates my every inch,
once again — I am washed over.


The little hands that graze
my face,
   my soul,
keep my heart beating
my skin alive.

alone in thought, but always seen by you —
your gazing up at me.

You do not know yet, nor will you ever…
but your laugh pulls me from the cold water;
but your eyes pull the water from my ever-seeking lungs.

fragments of shadows found in between my finger tips
and your collar bone
provide safety in breathing
in tracing
reciprocating souls find a home
in exchange of glances and
colorful explosions followed by gentle,
studious hands.  
reify things only dreamt of or written about
in tales of gods and poetry of the rich man.

leave the rest of the world adust
as they fall in their intentions --
in their questions,

we write among the stars
what they could not dare to fathom
as we all look toward a single sky.

The dreams roll through my
mind as it hovers over the edge
of rest. A constant feeling of feeling
everything at once.
I cry as the clouds cover my eyes
and I fall into a land where I am
revealed.
Dripping down my cheeks comes
the blood of reopened scars
slashed wide in fear of existence.
I walk through tunnels into green
fields of hope and sun and reflection.
Fences unbury themselves; capturing
my thoughts again.
As they ascend the small child grabs my hand
and vomits on my face.

I wake up.

Your eyes, over breakfast, are where I find
my morning prayer to an unknown God. Thanking,
loving, and worshiping the divinity
reigning down on my head as small toes
wriggle  within my body.

My mind is overwhelmed with wound up
time, ticking, endlessly without ceasing
into the prism of your soft, searching soul.
Hands inside, hand outside — we find our solace
in you. A creator of the created, still both in womb.

Stopping time is your specialty
over breakfast, I see you — seeing me.
answering my prayer.

My mind skates across reality
finding home in nervous habits
a past of unfolding tragedy
diving into water that is too deep
I search for your warmth
in the back of my mind

I grasp into the air and helplessly,
relentlessly my mind pulls me down

Save me. Take me back to the coolness
of early summer nights
blissfully watching the movement
of your lips
you sing only to me
and my soul is found in the center of your universe
your hands wrap around the back of my neck
glide my sorrows away
with the tips of your fingers —
a breeze I crave to live in.  

Fall with me into the warm fields we know
golden light and velvet sound
endlessly and hopelessly wrap me
into you as my soul breathes
a hopeful breath of hopelessness

I write the unspeakable
I see letters capitalizing
the things I cannot say

To look at you and whisper
“I love you”
rises fear from
deep within my soul.

So like the rest of my fears
I wrote them down

Only this time,
I laid it in your hands.

my lungs weaken as my arms shroud my neck
it sees me as I dig myself into comfort
as I find myself in solace
it grabs my wrists from behind me
blindsided
pulls the wind from my cells
I crawl inside my eyes
black captures my surroundings

a tunnel of fog and glazed pupils

The smoke flows
in waves around the soul
I can see floating
outside of my body
I am not real in this moment
You are not real in this moment
I ache internally. The embers burn
as I burn… a hellacious attempt
at life. A life too quickly lived.
Killed — no life at all.

Smoke fills the room.