I don't even know
What I should say anymore.
I'll leave you alone.
It's what you want anyway.
But it makes me sad...Sorry.

Pine trees have it right
Just point to God in all things,
Give Him the glory
That's what I was made to do:
Human nature makes it hard.

would it be alright if i
took the time to uncork my heart
and spill the contents through its narrow spout—
can i pour out my soul to you?

When you're walking down the loneliest road
And bad weather is before you
Don't forget that even in the hard times
Your Creator walks right beside you.

Why do I do this
To myself? Every time
I see you, I feel
Depressed. Why do I do things
That tear me up? Leave me 'lone.

You're more than you think
You know you can do better
But you can soar, too

What are you doing
When I'm not really looking?
Do I want to know?

You weren't any more special
Than he ever let you be
And you never let me tell you
That you were special to me.

Suitcases get tagged, prepare for jetlag
  As you mount the stairs to the plane
Four layovers on your way over
  You hope it doesn't drive you insane

Announcements vague as your house slips away
  Leaving for another country
You flew the globe and moved your home
  Five times before you were twenty

Now the transit stays just can't faze
  Your ******* travel attitude
You never feel sick with the seats you pick
  And adjust well to the altitude

But something inside nags and asks why
  You're always in constant motion
You wonder how it would feel now
  If you'd never crossed that ocean

You forget the feeling and just quit dealing
  With memories left behind
But the thoughts come back, you've got some packed
  In the luggage of your mind

The beginning was suspenceful
The middle was too
But in the end, I saw
The story was all about you.

I couldn't escape reality
And reality kind of hurt
You were every character, every symbol
The high mountain and desert.

I wanted to run, to hide
But you met me there
I tried drowning in the depths
But it just wasn't fair.

I think the reason for this accost
Lies within my mind
That's where it all began, and someday
It'll be what is behind.

One more follower
Than all the teachers and kids
At my school. Blimey.

Sometimes it's not when you're perfect
That you feel like yourself, it's true;
It's when you're embarrassingly imperfect
That you know that you're definitely you.

Miah is the girl I was:
And in a way I envy her.
She only felt artificial pain
That the character creator gave her.

Ben is the one who was my friend,
But who showed his true colors later
When I needed him most, he left me alone
As a character, he was barely even hated.

Connor, well, his story's not told
While I'm still reeling from his counterpart's words
I plan to write it soon, and then
I will spare her no allegorical hurt.

If the Titanic was made to sink,
Then so was my heart,
For I made sure it was impenetrable.
Oh, what a wretched man I am!
Who will save me from this flesh?
Paul whispers in my ear,
Oh, don't worry my friend
You're in good company;
Poets before me have tried
to measure this love,
And if 40,000 brothers cannot
with all of their quantity of love
make up this sum,
Then how can my heart contain this mass?
It would only burst at the seams into
a million tender pieces.
So what then?
What good is a broken heart to You?
Could you even hear my heart from there?
And like a father assuring his son
to come home,
Oh my son, it's enough, it's enough.
So who am I to accept this grace
that just falls like rain?
Cause we all know I chose to lay
my head in this desert.
But like a fish out of water,
We only know then what it means
to be parched.
So if Christ is alive, the love,
and the groom,
Then take heed my friends,
For chivalry is not dead!
For I know no other lover who would
have met me here in this place.
So I awake and I rise from my bed
of complacency--
Oh, my God I've been sleeping
with a corpse!
Oh, and these bed sores they still
rest in my bones,
Oh, how I've made a beautiful dance
with this cadaver, but my audience
is appalled!
Oh, how strong these tendons;
How they desperately need to rip
from this ancient Adam.
So light up the sky, and
Set me aflame;
Burn this bone and tissue,
For I no longer want to be
entangled in this sinew
That hinders my reach towards You.

The heart that beats within me now
Was silent for a while:
Shouldering the guilt of years
And clothed in my denial.

And when, those blurry months ago,
It stirred to life again,
I tried to still my beating heart
The way it was back then.

I should have known, I should have seen
Through my soul's sad disguise;
But ev'ry time I saw the truth
I quickly closed my eyes.

The heartbeat in my shackled chest
Was loud, but I was louder.
Sticking fingers in my ears,
I hummed to quell the doubter.

"Your heart's alive! It beats again!
The fears you loved have faded."
But I felt safe behind the bars
My jailed heart had created.

So, silently, this gentle Trust
That I had never known
Came whisp'ring through to save my heart
Of flesh, and not of stone.

Trust wrapped its arms around me
And lifted up my soul
From depths of blue obscurity
And I gave up control.

I opened up my eyes that day
And though they shone with tears,
The hurting heart inside of me
Felt stronger than those fears.

Mountains or valleys
Quick heartbeats or slow exhales
Who are you to me?

plant a seed down deep
it must die before it grows
but then it will rise
and be greater than ever
closest and strongest of all.

Bad mood? Feel guilty?
Be like Christ, righteous anger
Start flipping tables.

You ask what I am afraid of
But the truth is, that's just it
I'm afraid to tell you my secrets
And that, I am afraid to admit.

I like talking to people
Because other people are nice
I don't really like talking to you
Because you used to be nice,
And now you're not.  I don't know why.

But I don't feel nice when I talk to you,
I feel like I'm not being nice to you,
And I don't like that feeling.
Should I stop talking to you?

You make me think of things I have tried to forget for a long time
And I don't like thinking of things again,
Because I thought I had made a decision.
But you bring back the doubts I used to have all the time.
I lived with those doubts.  
They keep me from being happy all the time,
And I don't like that.

I don't know what there is that you can do to change things,
But if you could be nice to me, that would make me feel better about talking to you.
Then, maybe we could come to an understanding.
But I don't understand you, and you don't understand me.

I won't go through the hundreds of thoughts I've had about you,
Because you probably don't want to hear them anyway.
I just wish you were someone I'd never known,
And that I could meet you for the first time
And that we could be simple friends.
We messed that up before by being more than friends,
And now I feel like we are so much less than friends.

I wish we could be nice to each other.
I wish it wasn't my fault, or your fault, or life's fault.
I wish I knew what to do about you.
I hope you're okay, and that I am nice to you, even when I don't feel like it.
I hope you don't think unkind things about me.
I can't help it, I guess.  But I can hope.

And I hope you remember me.

You built me up to be someone else,
Then you took it all away.
I don't know how you think I'll survive;
People weren't built that way.

Give him wisdom and peace he's never known.
Give her humility she's never had.
Give me the listening ear I've yearned to show.
Give us grace through this before it gets bad.
'Cause he needs wisdom to deal with her words:
She might accuse him and confess little.
I don't think he's ready to be this hurt,
And I know his pride is hard and brittle.
Humility will save her from sadness
For if she admits her wrong, she'll be fine
And I will sit here amid the madness
Treading on mutual friendship's thin line.
Even though I wish this was just a phase,
To bring us through, I will bear any weight.

Am I selling my soul to the corporate world
in a vain pursuit of future financial stability?
Should I have bought my future with what little I had
and spent it growing my skills in music and writing
so that I could know they were not wasted?
Should I give up on this new work-from-home desk job
where I'm paid commission and weekly bonuses
and won't see the residual income from renewals for thirteen months?
Can't I have something stable that doesn't bore me to death,
and something exciting that doesn't turn my anxiety to an 11?
I've never had a balance--every job has been one or the other.
And yet, as I yearn for a career in music, I recall my past
where I majored in songwriting and couldn't handle college
and I sigh and realize that jumping to a music job wouldn't "fix" me.
No matter what I'm doing, I will need to have perseverance,
and patience, yes, but also motivation and drive to improve myself.
These struggles that I face now at this job are the same ones
that I've always struggled with--they're part of me still.
And I've always blamed the job for not being a good fit--
and some of them weren't, true--but that wasn't the root of it.

A job that is worth doing
will take effort and drive
and no worthy income
comes by barely getting by
and doing the bare minimum
in order to escape a scolding.
I need to change my mindset
in order to grow above this--
this swamp of complacency,
this mire of despondent weakness,
this misty swath of ambiguous feelings
that have dictated my actions
for far too long. No.
I'll sit and get to work
knowing that I am securing a future
for myself, my husband, and family
and that one day, I will have time
to create art in any way I want
but right now, I have a lesson to learn
about working hard
and rising to the challenge.
Don't let me forget.
I can't look back now.
Up I go, to new heights
where the fearful me
thought the risks were too great.
Up I go, to climb my mountain
and win this battle, and the next,
until I'm out of the doldrums
and onto the path that advances before me.

Here goes.

This is the struggle:
I'm discovering myself,
Fighting the demons,
And supporting the flowers
Whose beauty envies devils.

My heart is open, speak Your truth
I’m waiting for Your word
For I know that You’re the only one
Who can heal my every hurt.

My eyes are open, show Your face
I’m waiting for Your love
For I know that You’re the only one
Who can fix my heart up.

Open me, I’m asking You:
Take and break these chains;
Flood my heart with mercy
And blind my eyes with grace.

My hands are open, take Your glory
I was stealing it all for me
But I know that You’re the only one
Who deserves my bended knee.

My mouth is open, take Your praise
I’m tired of praising my own name
For I know that You’re the only one
Who can make that claim.

Open me, I’m asking You:
Take and break these chains;
Flood my heart with mercy
And blind my eyes with grace.
Open me, I know it’s You
Who holds a hurting heart
Drown my soul in Your love
And heal my every scar.

There comes a time when I give up
The charade I've been trying to lead
I lean over and raise eyebrows
And they just laugh. Oh please.

You saw for a moment
The girl she truly was;
A glimpse at her twisting soul
Foreverafter gave you pause.

I sing to voice the colors of my soul.
I write to bring the words I feel to life.
I rhyme to feel that I am in control,
And breathe to know that I am not a knife.
I dance to taste the wind blow in my hair.
I bend and sway to dodge these fiery darts.
I hide to keep my feelings unaware
That everything I reach for falls apart.
I bow to broken people like myself,
But when did prayer become a second guess?
I lie in bed and curse my mental health
And wish for broken bones instead of stress.
    When all is said and done, I cry to feel,
    And hurt myself to know that this is real.

Sure hope you write back
Because I have not a clue
Where you could be, Mom. =P

It's out, it's out,
It's finally out!
The song that I've been waiting for;

Owl City
Lets me download for free
But I'm on my iPod, so I have to wait for the morn.

Again and again
The ostinato repeats
It's stuck in my head.

You could write a thousand words
but you could ne'er write the word
that whispers in the darkest night
that word is my soul.

I feel like I'm walking on the seashore
Some ground firm, some not anymore

Reality's clear when I don't think of you
But when my mind slips, I lose that good view. 

It seems that I wallow in sand to my knees
When all I am doing is aiming to please 

But when I look to what God asks
It's easier than struggling to fulfill my own tasks.

Hey, I'd stay up all night with you
If you were on the other side
Of this giant beach ball called Earth
'Cause of intimacy I'm terrified.

Made me want to scream
When I knew I wanted it
The impossible.

Come here
Accept the unaccepted
They need someone to follow
And you're the only one elected.

They creep up the walls
Vines to trap some wild bird
And encroach on you.

When you think about wanting to give up,
Just remember so did your neighbor Fred
Fred's dead.

When you're feeling so cold and dull
And when you look in the mirror
  and it's not what you wanted to see
Just sit down and sip some coffee
And put on your favorite socks
Just remember you're you, you're loved,
  and everyone wants you to succeed
So as long as you try, then you'll be alright.
Yeah the results don't matter,
  And there isn't a score to life.
So just try
  and you'll be fine.