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Jan 20 · 202
Breaking, pt 2
Listen: believe me,
If I knew how to rise up
And overcome them
You would see the shadows crawl
Out of discomfort
For the light bursting, flying,
Exploding forth and
Breaking free of the old bonds
On my now unfettered soul.
A choka version of the 6-syllabic poem I wrote in May 2014.
Believe me, if I could
You'd see the shadows crawl
Out of discomfort for
The light bursting, flying,
Breaking free of the bonds
On my unfettered soul.
#sixlines #sixsyllables
Dec 2020 · 150
This Ain't Me
I never was the kind of girl
Who hid my face
Was not afraid to tell the world
What I had to say

But this nightmare came
Knocking at my door
I can't let it show
The inside is so hollow, so hollow

This ain't real, this ain't me
I'm not exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Can't let the light shine on me
Now I've lost who I am
The only way to hold it in
Is just hiding who I wanna be
*** this ain't me.

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark?
To dream about a life where you know who you are
Even though it seems like it's so close to me
I just can't believe in myself, it's the only thing

This ain't real, this ain't me
I'm not exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Can't let the light shine on me
Now I've lost who I am
The only way to hold it in
Is just hiding who I wanna be
*** this ain't me.

I'm the voice you hear inside your head
I'm why your ears are ringing
You need to find me
You gotta find me

I'm the missing piece you need
The reason that you're falling
You need to find me
You gotta find me

This ain't real, this ain't me
I'm not exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Can't let the light shine on me
Now I've lost who I am
The only way to hold it in
Is just hiding who I wanna be
*** this ain't me.

This ain't me

But I can find who I am
And keep myself from holding in
No more hating who I used to be
*** that ain't me.
Yeah it's a parody of the Camp Rock song. Started thinking it and had to write it out.
Nov 2020 · 669
a new day has dawned
as we are kissed by the sun
night is forgotten.
Oct 2020 · 583
the days grow shorter
the nights bring the need for these
artificial lights
Oct 2020 · 234
Shadows and Light
On this warm spring day,
The light peers in my window,
Quiet as it can,
Asking questions of shadows:
"Do these walls have ears?
And what does the clock-face see?
Is the lamp lonely,
And does the pillow know tears?"
The shadows answer,
In their sweetest honeyed voice,
"We gave the walls ears,
And the clock has our blank face.
The lamp loves the dark,
Just as the pillow drinks tears.
Won't you come deeper,
Deeper into our shadows,
And hear what we know?"
Will the light claim its homeland,
Burning up the dark
And swallowing the night whole,
Or will it shrink back,
Afraid to see the hard truth
That my shadows breathe
And the darkness grows deeper
Fated to hold the sleeper?
From May 2017
Oct 2020 · 707
Tired and weary,
Torn and worn;
Wrung with wights,
Thick with thorns.
Written Sept 2014
Oct 2020 · 180
dreams that I have
swim through the sky

dreaming of flight
wanting to escape
finding my wings
seamless shapes

limitless reach
stretch above my head
galactic needle
pulling infinite thread

field of pyramids
I'm twenty feet tall
stumbling to find
the end of it all

the house I knew
twisted somehow
and all the rooms
are locked away now

the college campus
that I once roamed
with elevators broken
construction postponed

looking through the floor
glass beneath my shoes
wearing a skirt
afraid of the view

someone I've never met
capturing my heart
sweeping me off my feet
are they real or not?

the roots of any dream
might never be found
but none of them are real
no matter how profound.
.where is the joy I once had
the desire burning within me
the passion to create and live
where can I find my soul again?
Oct 2020 · 198
Sonnet H
So tell me friend, oh where should I now go
To waste my days within this endless fight?
On to the right where nothing is left, or
There to the left where nothing else is right?

This war grows cold inside my growing bones:
I hide my fears within a house of glass.
But joining them means throwing sticks and stones,
For none of us have yet learned from our past.

My questions to the wise are called naive
And arguments with fools lend no insight.
But in the end I long to just believe
In something that can hold me through the night.

Though life and death will steal my breath away
I will not bow to fear, strain, or dismay.
Oct 2020 · 179
Chapter 285
I sit in contemplation
trying to close my eyes
so I turn off the playstation
and drop my phone with a sigh.

Earlier, I tried to eat a pear
'cause fruit is healthy and stuff
but it was too hard for me not to care
it just wasn't ripe enough.

This show I've been obsessed with
and the manga after that
have busted that subconscious myth
that fiction has a lesser impact.

How long will I spend in the depths
of the fandom and content I find
accessible at my fingertips
and flooding through my mind?

When will I sense the ending
of this era of nights spent reading
headcanons, and content expanding
on the world on which I'm feeding?

Last night the latest chapter
was out on my mobile app
and I stumbled across it after
going to reread whatever was last.

It hit me like a ton of bricks
like the weight of hardback copies
of every scene the author depicts—
sent shock throughout my body.

A character who, before this day,
was invincible and proud
not unrivaled in his sway
but always drawing a crowd.

And then the last page caught me
and I could not look away
as tendrils from the enemy
cut through its raging prey

Too quick to be avoided
the hit was meant for another
but he knew he'd been appointed
as savior to his brother.

Taking a bullet for the one he abused
the one he had hated and cursed
before their fates were irrevocably fused
without either harsh role reversed—

All perceived slights against him
any contempt he thought he had shown
was forgotten as he jumped out to save him
His body just moved on its own.
I just can't get that image out of my head...
I refuse to believe Bakugo could be dead.
Sep 2020 · 375
Numbness in my chest
Resisted by my heartbeat
Along with music
Hits against fragility
Shielded by the walls of fear.
Check out my Wattpad!
I finally picked up my refill
And finally stopped running uphill.
I'd been out for days,
And was in a haze
That nothing could fix but my refill.

I finally refilled my meds, guys.
Last week I ran out of my supplies,
And I sunk like a brick
Into depression so thick
That it kept me from refilling my meds, guys.

At last I am back on my Adderall
And everything feels much more natural
I cleaned up the sink
And now I can think
About how good it is to have Adderall.
P.S. Sorry to everyone who took the brunt of my bs. Next time I have a breakdown about my *** life just tell me to refill my meds and leave me alone.
Mar 2020 · 331
end up
Life may have its
ups and downs and
deep seas before
we hit dry land
But as long as
we can end up
end up happy
end up in love
No one wants to
lose to down days
but we all know
that's how life plays
So it's clear now
if we end up
instead of down,
that's the best end.
written listening to the daydream lofi hip-hop Tokyo mix
Sep 2019 · 452
kitchen thoughts
I sit in my chair
waiting for water to boil
to cook a cool meal.

Married for 4 weeks...
it doesn't seem like that long
every moment's bright.

Time to boil the corn
I already made the cheese
smoky lime queso.

He's watching the end
the show he started last night
the last episode.

In half an hour
I'll tell him dinner's ready
and he'll smile so big!
I think, somewhere
along the line
A cable was tied to me.
The harness was snug,
I gave it a tug:
Good times were holding me.

On the cliff of life,
I climbed around
Never looking below me.
I had little talks
With sea shells and rocks
Who always seemed to know me.

slowly, a cavern
just appeared
as if it had always been there.
and I found myself
leaving the shelf
to find out what was in there.

so slowly did
the shadows grow
that I learned to like the dark.
forgetting the sun,
and where I'd come from,
I gently embraced the dark.
Probably from 2016 around the time I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety, or early 2017 when I left school to live with my then boyfriend's parents.
I woke up on the couch again.
I've been sleeping there each night that he's out of town without cell signal.
Not that he even lives with me.
But sleeping in my own bed still feels lonely if there aren't texts from him to look forward to.
No matter how many new friends I make, I can't fill the empty spot.
And it's okay.
"Distance" makes the heart grow "fonder", but all I can hope is that it'll make the heart grow.
So much on our minds.
Choices to make and places to go and work to be done.
And the desire to just drop it all for a week and be together is always there.
Patience, I say, there will be a week for that.
So I will wait.
As much as it hurts for the present, it's worth it.

I got up off the couch once I'd written him a good morning text.
I was playing some of my old music and getting lost in the atmospheric melodies, and just pouring water into the coffee machine instead of waiting for the Brita pitcher to filter it, and then use that, was my method for breaking through the anxiety barrier today.
From there, coffee was followed by a desire for food (because coffee alone is just asking for a stomachache) so I thought of my pancake mix.
Here goes. I'm not measuring this out, my measuring cups are all in the ***** dishes pile. I've washed a bunch of glasses and this one will fit enough pancake batter for two or three small flapjacks.
Here I go.
they look like crepes and not pancakes. but it's alright.
May 2019 · 1.0k
As long as I try.
When you're feeling so cold and dull
And when you look in the mirror
  and it's not what you wanted to see
Just sit down and sip some coffee
And put on your favorite socks
Just remember you're you, you're loved,
  and everyone wants you to succeed
So as long as you try, then you'll be alright.
Yeah the results don't matter,
  And there isn't a score to life.
So just try
  and you'll be fine.
motivational dialogue from my eventually successful attempts at getting up and doing things on my to-do list
Jan 2019 · 712
Will It Stay
Why am I hungry
While I sit and eat my food?
And why am I cold
Bundled up by the heater?
Why do I tell him,
Aware that I'm not alone,
"I think I'm lonely."?
Am I supposed to fall
When now I've grown wings?
Or am I to crawl
When my legs can walk again?
I thought I could see
With eyes opened to the light,
But darkness returns.
Is it just me, or is this
The empty, chilled night
Where loneliness is granted
As effort's reward?
When will the new flowers bloom
Where I planted them?
Will I stand alone again,
Like I did before
When I fell back on nothing,
Lost in confusion?
Or will this dark be broken
To bring me dawn, eyes open?
Depression coming back
Dec 2018 · 905
The Struggle
This is the struggle:
I'm discovering myself,
Fighting the demons,
And supporting the flowers
Whose beauty envies devils.
Oct 2018 · 959
Won't you keep me dizzy so that I stop spinning
Out of all control when I'm alone

And won't you keep me busy so that I stop snoozing
All the day away when I'm at home

Sing to me, Sera
We're calling you back home
Prozie, Addie, all of our old friends.
Sing to me, Sera
Please don't leave me alone
I want to look at my life through your lens.
Aug 2018 · 2.8k
Monday's Child
Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is full of woe
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

Our version:
Monday’s child will be a superhero – ABIGAIL
Tuesday’s child never gets a zero – JULIA
Wednesday’s child loves to smile – ASHLEY
Thursday’s child is kinda wild –
Friday’s child is so nice and likes to play –
Saturday’s child is true and won’t betray –
And the child born on Sunday, so happy, –
Is an angel with a great personality. –
I wrote this with my girls (7 and 9), and they had a lot of fun. I just love writing things with them, it always captures that childlike spirit of fun that just makes me smile.
May 2018 · 1.1k
Day 33, a review:

Without it, I sit,
And if I'm bored, then I sleep.

With it, I am up:
I look with wide open eyes,
Eyes that see the world
And all I could be doing.
I step with purpose,
Standing tall and confident.
I wake, take the pill,
Eat my food, drink my coffee,
And drive off to work
With an automatic smile,
And I sing along
To the songs I know by heart.
Without it, I sit,
And if I must stand, I lean;
Dragging tired feet,
Holding a troubled tummy,
And wishing I'd wake.

In the end, on these days off,
I find energy:
I discover the reserves
Of serotonin,
Dopamine and endorphins
That my body saved,
Keeping stored for "the future."
My brain slowly learns,
And the fuel to keep going
Isn't out of reach.
So on these days off,
I won't despair or decay.
I used to collapse,
Before I knew my full strength
And what it felt like
To set my mind and finish.
So help me today,
God, let this Adderall work
To give energy
And to strengthen my body
For this scary four-mile hike.

~didn't get my refill before leaving for vacation~
All those books they made us read,
The smelly yellow-pagers
That weighed as heavy as the guilt
We felt as "zombie teenagers";

Do we remember anything?
The names of the main characters,
Or maybe, who died in the end--
Or the ones who were in pictures?

It wasn't that we hated books--
We didn't understand them;
Before the teacher's spiritless voice
Made us slowly condemn them.

"Memorize the vocab words,
And don't forget the spelling!"
Was that the point of literature?
But definitions aren't compelling.

So all those hours in English Lit,
The days spent reading Steinbeck,
Were soured by the grouchy face
Always looming over my desk.

I always wished someone would say,
"This isn't boring, here's why:"
But I was told to shut up and read
When sometimes I wanted to cry:

"I hate this story! Nobody's happy!
And everyone's messed up!
It doesn't make sense to force it on us
When we're already stressed out."

But we had to read it, because they had to read it
When they were young in school.
This book had an impact in history:
So now, reading it is a rule.

So if it's a must, that's fine, then.
But...why don't we make it fun?
Or talk about the psychology
And learn something when we're done?

A book can't be everyone's favorite.
We're all different people inside.
But please try to make us all interested
With wisdom only you can provide.
Steinbeck, Dickens, Orwell, Bronte, Fitzgerald, all those depressing writers that we were forced to read. I only liked Edgar Allen Poe, and that's saying something!
Mar 2018 · 541
The day begins before it should,
and every minute is squandered,
before I jump into the car,
spilling hot coffee in my haste.

Then the rushing wind blows past me,
running through my hair in the dark;
headlights keep up with the sharp turns,
and the thumping stereo lifts me.

Parking, on time, walking briskly
to ensure the grandest entrance
to give a formal impression.
My echoed greeting meets my ears.

Hello, goodbye, I take over,
holding my vigilant station
as I toast bagels with butter
and wait for them to call me up.

"Ashley!" comes the petulant cry
and I manage to answer her.
"Coming!" And I take a slow sip
before heading up creaky stairs.

They want me to pick out their clothes.
They want me to help them get dressed.
I say, "You can do that yourself,
I'm here to do hard things, like cook."

Teasing, admonishing, waiting
for children to do what I asked;
I take one more sip of coffee
and the cup is gone far too soon.

Soon, they are eating their breakfast,
and I'm prepping backpacks and coats.
Something spills, and I clean it up;
then she says she forgot her shoes.

I tell her sister to get them,
but she won't go up there alone.
So we three climb the creaky stairs,
and come back with their socks and shoes.

We run out the door, lock the garage,
and jump in my car for a ride.
"Seatbelts?" I ask before leaving,
and they both ask me for tic-tacs.

A minute away, and I park.
They jump out and both wave goodbye.
I smile and wait for the school bus.
I drive to my next job, next door.
Work as a nanny, it's not for everyone, but I love my girls.
Mar 2018 · 778

Don't feel bad for yourself.
You have it so good.
You have a house
to live in
You have clothes to wear
You have
a family
who loves you.

You have a boyfriend
who wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
Everything is going to be okay.

Bad things ****.
Good things are hard.
Life takes a long time to get right.
Feb 2018 · 1.2k
Goodnight my darling,
sleep until the morning comes
and wakes you with its gentle finger
of sunlight, shining on your pillow.
Sleep until the clouds break the dawn
and steal away the night
from under the moon.
Sleep until the day is bright
and the time is right
and your eyes open wide.
Sleep tight. <3
Oct 2017 · 1.7k
Surely my life's work
Will be worth as much to them
As it is to me,
Waiting for sales to show here
To feed my music budget.
I've published a book.
Oct 2017 · 1.2k
All of my dishes, stacked in my room
Am I a slob? Please don't assume.
Clothes—whether *****, clean, or worn—
I know the difference, though they're strewn.

Twinkling lights strung overhead
Match the lamp beside my bed.
With dust my dresser is adorned,
And my favorite chair is red.

I see the beauty in the mess;
Why do you cry in distress?
Mom, I like to live like this.
And I have no one to impress.
Oct 2017 · 1.3k
Inspiration grips my soul
And gives my mind no peace;
I try and try to let it go,
But silence baffles me.

Sometimes in the darkest night
It's dreams that haunt my eyes
And sometimes, inspiration's height
Looks about agony's size.

Ideas sometimes look like pain
And memories that hurt me;
And beautiful though my song may be,
Perhaps its roots concern me.

But art, it lies within the choice
To make a lie show truth
And find the love inside the voice
Of your heartrending youth.

Don't build your statues with ashes:
Compress them into stone,
And watch as sorrow clashes
With love that builds a home.

Darkness is no shelter,
But is an invitation
For light to burn the better
As fire: my inspiration.
Pliny the Elder said: "The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach."
Sep 2017 · 1.4k
In autumn, my soul feels closer
To the wind and leaves that fall.
I wrap the world up tightly
And my scarf makes me feel tall.

The breeze that bites and strikes me
And fills my eyes with tears
Is welcome when I'm lonely,
When I cover up my ears.

I love just taking comfort
In the warmth of my own skin
When boots and hat and gloves here
Keep all my warmness in.

If only every day got cold,
And every evening froze:
For then, I'd get to hug myself
From my head down to my toes.
One step behind the other,
I keep my eyes ahead.
I'll keep myself together
If I watch where I have tread.

I'm sure I'm being hunted
By monsters in the night.
Not sure if I've been stunted,
Or if this is their true height.

But if the shadows wavered,
Or gave way to my stare,
I'd sing instead of quaver
And stand with shoulders square.

No time to sit and panic
Or just wait for the dawn.
Until I leave the manic,
I must keep trudging on.

Wait until I'm with you,
And then I might break down.
Take comfort when it's through,
When at last pain makes a sound.

Just save me a seat in the closet
I'm fighting my fears now:
Fear was the one to cause it,
But I will answer how.
Based on my new track, "Save me a seat in the panic room" available to stream from SoundCloud:
Aug 2017 · 1.1k
Sonnet H
I sing to voice the colors of my soul.
I write to bring the words I feel to life.
I rhyme to feel that I am in control,
And breathe to know that I am not a knife.
I dance to taste the wind blow in my hair.
I bend and sway to dodge these fiery darts.
I hide to keep my feelings unaware
That everything I reach for falls apart.
I bow to broken people like myself,
But when did prayer become a second guess?
I lie in bed and curse my mental health
And wish for broken bones instead of stress.
    When all is said and done, I cry to feel,
    And hurt myself to know that this is real.
Aug 2017 · 1.1k
Bridges and Cliffs
I never knew why standing on a balcony was so unnerving—
Why driving across a bridge,
Or around a mountain with only a short railing,
Made me question reality and life itself.

Tucking me in that night before you went home,
When we talked for an hour about Agency and Free Will,
Before you finally kissed me and left me to think in the dark:
My eyes were open wide as I learned that feeling's name.

"It's like how I could scream, right now?" I asked
And you nodded, "But something keeps you from doing it."
"I don't want to wake up Mom," I laughed.
He smiled and said, "And it would hurt my ears if you did."

Then a conversation later, after you blew a kiss
You turned out the light, and I lay in the dark.
I could jump out my window right now, I thought.
There's nothing physically stopping me.~
Jul 2017 · 956
Prison of Ice
I am frozen from the inside out.
My breaths are not a choice.
Voices whisper answers to it all,
Answers to questions I didn't ask.
I try to close my eyes and close my ears,
But they push past my defenses.
And no one understands
Why I stand here alone
And cannot step forward
Without clutching his arm,
The one who helps me breathe,
Who wanted to understand it all.
I want to stand tall, and I will
When I learn to stand alone
And I am braver than the fear
Would have me believe I am.
Jul 2017 · 825
Butterfly Poem
I'm here.
I am small and my      fears crowd      all of my thoughts.
The monsters        lean in        on my hopes,
  crushing         them and      my energy
as I fall          to my           knees
But at your call,
every           cell in my          body
stands itself      up and marches      forward
knowing I can     do anything,     if you need it.
I will be there for you,           as you           have always been here
for me.
Jul 2017 · 815
Distrust Self Doubt
If there's a word that you're holding back, say it.
If there's advice in your brain, let it out.
And if anything helps, then I'll take it;
But no man can assuage all my doubt.

I doubt that I'll ever quite make it:
I doubt that my dreams will come true.
I doubt night and day, but I fake it
In case they start doubting me too.

I don't think I can catch my breath now,
I doubt that this air will be clean;
Don't know if I'm close to my death now,
But alive? I just feel in between.

Come and steal away all of my guilt now
Make me sigh and admit I was wrong
For of all of the things my mind's built now
I distrusted self-doubt all along.
Jun 2017 · 837
say goodbye to hurt
Will I now forget your face
Since I do not fear you?
Will your wretched memory fade
And will I cease to hear you?
Has this day brought healing,
Or is it a passing feeling?
Sunlight streaming in,
I see you unlock the door.
I run in my socks.
You open it before me...
Every time, it's happier.

I will write a book,
But I won't describe it well:
Your arms around me,
When I feel safest and loved,
Is the moment I wait for.

Unexpected poke
In my side where it tickles:
I shriek with a laugh.
How do you still surprise me
The same way every time?

Listening to you
As we sit and look outside:
Your voice on my ears
Is a song of silent peace,
Calling for me to just breathe.

I can run and jump,
I can sit through the traffic,
And I can bear it
When the crowds are surrounding.
You take the fears from my mind.

Life has new meaning,
And death is not haunting me.
The trees grew this spring
And my heart grew inside me,
Reaching without fear of loss.

When I look ahead,
I see a haze, maybe storms.
I might need a coat.
But the God of Heaven knows
And will prepare us for rain.

So as I sit here
Waiting for you to come home,
I know He sees us
And He holds our lives gently,
Using life to grow our faith.
6-2-17 ACS
May 2017 · 910
In those Summer days
When the green grass scratched my legs,
The mud cooled my toes
And I ran through the cold stream,
Pulling off green leaves
From the bushes by the house
And twigs from young trees.

Somehow the fall came—
I liked to call it Autumn—
And I walked slowly,
Picking up acorns and nuts
Before squirrels came
And quickly hid them away.
As morning frosts came,
I began to feel the chill.
Somehow the world changed,
As an apple will grow ripe,
And the world changed me.

In Winter's strong grasp I woke.
I looked around me
And in every grey shadow,
I saw a regret,
A what-if of circumstance:
A sharp memory,
Hanging like an icicle
Just waiting to fall.
Summer would sweetly call me,
And Autumn smiled,
But Winter's embrace choked me.
I would leave the world,
Fly back to the land of dreams,
If I knew a way.
I would cry to the grey sky,
Ask all the questions,
If I thought it would answer.
And so I slept deep,
Knowing nothing could be done
Unless the world changed,
Giving me fresh hope inside;
But it never would.

Spring has crept up to my door
It has knocked loudly
And shaken me from slumber.
Its face is grinning,
Smiling so wide, and laughing.
I've opened my door,
Not fearing a winter wind
For the first time now.
Spring calls me from my bedroom,
Asking me to play
And hang up my coat of doubt
By the scarf of shame
And the hat of my worries.
Spring pulls on my arm,
And even though it hurts now,
Somehow growing pains
Are better than the bedsores.
So take the shoes off my feet
And teach me to run again.
Choka 5-7-5-7-5-7-5...77
Feb 2017 · 1.1k
Can I Fight?
Can I fight?
Can I fight anymore?
Will I ever see the stars again,
Or will the clouds remain?

Will the sun,
Will the sun shine again?
Or will I dance beneath the shadows
Of a dark and dreary land?
Feb 2017 · 878
Fields of Glass
Two days, and nineteen hours
Are left 'till he arrives;
And I'd count the ticking minutes
If I thought it'd keep me alive.

These thoughts just won't stop chasing
The dreams I once believed;
And when I try to catch them,
I find they can't be retrieved.

I'm trying to stand and fight it.
I'm giving it all that I've got.
But finding that I'm not adequate
Ties all of my strength in a knot.

Rain doesn't just soak your jacket,
It seeps in and freezes your bones;
And all of the warmth leaves your body
As you wander bad weather alone.

But find you a friend, and you're warmer
If only because he's a smile.
Just braving rain with a companion,
It takes the edge off for a while.

So I won't let fear keep me lonely:
I'd rather run through fields of glass
Than stay one more day in my bedroom
Just waiting for sadness to pass.
Feb 2017 · 784
The Terrible Three
Hold onto me
When memory
Is pulling on my wings;
Your arms around,
When I break down,
They heal what sadness stings.

Protect me here
And hold me near
When fear reaches to claw me;
You hold my hand
When I can't stand
And in my panic calm me.

When worries come
And flutter from
Anxiety's dark cave:
You fight them back,
Stop their attack
And keep me strong and brave.
depression, panic attacks, and anxiety.
Feb 2017 · 1.0k
The heart that beats within me now
Was silent for a while:
Shouldering the guilt of years
And clothed in my denial.

And when, those blurry months ago,
It stirred to life again,
I tried to still my beating heart
The way it was back then.

I should have known, I should have seen
Through my soul's sad disguise;
But ev'ry time I saw the truth
I quickly closed my eyes.

The heartbeat in my shackled chest
Was loud, but I was louder.
Sticking fingers in my ears,
I hummed to quell the doubter.

"Your heart's alive! It beats again!
The fears you loved have faded."
But I felt safe behind the bars
My jailed heart had created.

So, silently, this gentle Trust
That I had never known
Came whisp'ring through to save my heart
Of flesh, and not of stone.

Trust wrapped its arms around me
And lifted up my soul
From depths of blue obscurity
And I gave up control.

I opened up my eyes that day
And though they shone with tears,
The hurting heart inside of me
Felt stronger than those fears.
1-2 Sept 9, 2016 and 3-8 Feb 4, 2017
Aug 2016 · 1.2k
My feet haven't moved
And my breath is caught somewhere
But my mind's racing.
Aug 2016 · 971
Here Again
Again, I find myself at home
The home I made last year
And while it hasn't changed too much,
That I have is my fear.

I loved this place and made it mine,
And tied myself to it;
But now that I've returned, I'm lost
And not like the rest, I admit.

Will I find my place? Or will that only come
With friends who are my home?
Am I isolated now, and is this why
My home feels so alone?

Perhaps this feeling soon will pass
And maybe it'll get better;
But for the moment, I'm alone,
And can't seem to find my tether.
It's like I never left.
Aug 2016 · 1.3k
Out the window there,
Beneath the glassy, blue sky,
The white sun bleaches
Everything beneath its rays.
I wither inside.
I die if I venture out.
And yet, my heart yearns,
My soul burns, to see the world.
Mountains, rivers, seas;
Indeed, just to see a tree
I would leave it all.
I would risk the burning sun,
Drop it all and run,
If forests were there for me.
I would endure it,
Knowing that cool springs waited.
My heart climbs mountains
As I answer phone calls here;
My mind explores caves
As I file cash receipts.
I watch mountain lakes
Turn gold with the dying sun
As I read emails.
But some day, I will reach out
And instead of desk,
I will grab my mountain gear;
Some day, my fingers
Will callous and toughen up:
Instead of keyboard,
I'll skip rocks across a creek.
I will do it all,
See all I've wanted to see,
And feel the cool breeze
After climbing the mountains
And fording rivers.
I'll get out of this desk chair
And go explore what's out there.
Aug 2016 · 1.1k
Mountains or valleys
Quick heartbeats or slow exhales
Who are you to me?
Aug 2016 · 785
Runaway Brain
Eleven days left
I'm afraid I'll miss something
In my haste to leave.
Aug 9 2016
Aug 2016 · 1.8k
Life is passing me by
And as I hold my breath
I realize I can't stop
The endless, rushing days
Hours of wasted time
Unless I breathe. And live.
August 9, 2016
Aug 2016 · 432
I think I could try this
An eternity of you
With loneliness as an option
You're the better of the two.
August 9, 2016
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