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Even though the sky is dreary
And of my own thoughts I'm leery
I must not give in to them
Somehow I must think more clearly.

I turned on the living room light
And thoughts of sleeping all set flight
Why I sat in the dark alone
I don't know, but this feels right.

I've taken the dose of vitamin D
I've listened to my stomach's plea
To give it healthy, complex carbs
So I hope today is better for me.
1/10/2020
It comes from nowhere
It's the faint, burning prickle
Springs behind your eyes
Bidding you stop and wonder
Why your breath caught in your throat.
That is what it is like
when somebody loves you
more than you love yourself.
You find you're loving them,
and in loving you trust,
both them and their judgment.

If he loves me for me,
and I love and trust him,
then I should love myself
just the way that I am.


and

I want to be the one
he is deserving of,
and I want to become
the best version of me.


and

It's not just for his sake
that I want to improve.
I'll grow and change for him,
but also for myself.


That is what it is like.
dry your eyes my child
now you know what we fight for
and why we march on.

~~

don’t close your eyes
until the day is done
if you must rest,
then first do a simple task.

~~

you can’t grow stronger
if you let every chance pass
because you can’t win.

~~

don’t bite off more than you know you can chew
being intentional about overcoming your weaknesses
will win over the mindless pummeling of your will to fight
by feeding yourself more than you can handle
and expecting anything less than a stomach ache.

~~
Am I selling my soul to the corporate world
in a vain pursuit of future financial stability?
Should I have bought my future with what little I had
and spent it growing my skills in music and writing
so that I could know they were not wasted?
Should I give up on this new work-from-home desk job
where I'm paid commission and weekly bonuses
and won't see the residual income from renewals for thirteen months?
Can't I have something stable that doesn't bore me to death,
and something exciting that doesn't turn my anxiety to an 11?
I've never had a balance--every job has been one or the other.
And yet, as I yearn for a career in music, I recall my past
where I majored in songwriting and couldn't handle college
and I sigh and realize that jumping to a music job wouldn't "fix" me.
No matter what I'm doing, I will need to have perseverance,
and patience, yes, but also motivation and drive to improve myself.
These struggles that I face now at this job are the same ones
that I've always struggled with--they're part of me still.
And I've always blamed the job for not being a good fit--
and some of them weren't, true--but that wasn't the root of it.

A job that is worth doing
will take effort and drive
and no worthy income
comes by barely getting by
and doing the bare minimum
in order to escape a scolding.
I need to change my mindset
in order to grow above this--
this swamp of complacency,
this mire of despondent weakness,
this misty swath of ambiguous feelings
that have dictated my actions
for far too long. No.
I'll sit and get to work
knowing that I am securing a future
for myself, my husband, and family
and that one day, I will have time
to create art in any way I want
but right now, I have a lesson to learn
about working hard
and rising to the challenge.
Don't let me forget.
I can't look back now.
Up I go, to new heights
where the fearful me
thought the risks were too great.
Up I go, to climb my mountain
and win this battle, and the next,
until I'm out of the doldrums
and onto the path that advances before me.

Here goes.
If your clients all rescheduled, clap your hands ~clap~clap~
If your clients all rescheduled, clap your hands ~clap~clap~
If your clients all rescheduled, and you never feel quite settled, if your clients all rescheduled, clap your hands. ~clap~clap~
these appointments are for me to help you, and you're the one not showing up and wasting my time? Well ok, I guess I'll just be over here feeling unappreciated and useless, I suppose. See you later.
How much is this worth?
that is the complex question
that I could not ask.
I was afraid of winning
at too high a cost,
so I despaired of success
and lowered my eyes,
resigned to give up often
and expect little
of the burning flame inside.
But no! I now refuse
to accept complacency.
It seemed safe to me
and I thought I sought comfort
by doing the minimum
and easing my load.
But what I could not have known
was I was stretched thin,
emptied by my sighs
exhausted by my free time
and tempting myself
with the lie that I was weak
and couldn't succeed
if I put forth the effort.
So why the change now?
You could say I've awoken
and it would be true,
'cause I was asleep before.
You could say I tried
and though it was so feeble,
I tasted success
and discovered what I have
and that I can win.
So here I go...I'm trying...
and I know the way to go.
I've been blessed these days:
leaders I didn't have then—
with experience—
are now showing me a world
I didn't dream of,
for fear of being let down
by my shortcomings
and flaws I couldn't escape.
But now I see it—
a future with horizons
stretching far and wide
as far as the eye can see.
All I need to do
is march steadily onwards
and challenge myself.
And then, in a year or two,
I'll have made my dreams come true.
How much is it worth? So much more than before, but I now realize that the cost is so small in comparison to what I could achieve.
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