The leaves are golden

     And I am silver

The wind is a howl

     And I am a whisper

The river is frozen

     And I am a blister

The sun is rising

     And I am setting

The people are leaving

     And I am staying

The stars are twinkling

     And I am thinking

The night is alive

     *And I am ready to live again

I am a half-smirk grinner
an addict and a sinner

I am lonely and broken
a screamer yet soft spoken

I am dead serious
could be delirious

I am not one to eat food
on words I'd rather chew

I am a running joke
the fire and the smoke

I am the forgotten
lost and unwanted


I am the last one picked
I am twisted
And I am sick

On a cold, brisk night like this,
There's no one else I'd rather miss.

Do you remember being so frigid
We had only each other for warmth?
Lying in the damp orchard grass,
Counting stars and counting laughs...

There is nothing we could not do,
Us together -- just me and you.

The clock struck midnight, one, then two,
Still we stayed, the whole night through.

please don't forget to remember me hunny
when I am gone and can't hurt anymore
when I at last go and my blood can no longer flow
I'm so empty I'm amazed I can bleed
let me fade, fade away now
just stop breathing
I'm so hurt, afraid of everyone leaving
let me laugh, laugh hard
like it's the only thing I have left
because this moment -- this is it
and I'll be ****** if I let it go
if I let my sorrow show
so I'll pretend enough to
make them believe
this is me
this is me
or at least who I was, back when I was happy

I seem happy                                         I don't feel
I am lazy                                                I have no will to care
I have it all figured out                        I am utterly lost
I have a hundred friends                     I can't find one that's authentic
I believe in God                                     I have faith that constantly wavers
I have a loving family                          I think that's a great joke
I don't care what people think            I am paranoid and pressured
I am sweet, kind                                    I am a cruel, selfish, heartless *****
I am another girl                                   *I am not real

I hate myself at least 20 times a day
For being unable to make you stay.
It's my fault, I pushed you away.

You spoke to me again today,
Filled me with regret that I let myself sway.
It wasn't a game I knew how to play!
When did love become so hard anyway?

For another chance, to God I pray,
And any price I'm willing to pay.

I'm sorry that from you I went astray,
Then returned and at your feet myself I did lay.
I made our skies dark and gray;
The bonds between us began to fray.

I'm so sorry for the mess I must say,
But to me again you've found your way.

I just hope this time we both stay...

As I'm dipping pretzels in my tea
My cat wanders on up to me

He rubs at my leg, as if to say
I know how you feel, you wish he'd stay

He climbs on my lap, looks me in the eyes
I know you wish he were here tonight
I know you miss him -- I miss him too

But then I realize, he probably just wants some food

~Christopher McCandless**

My happiness is so temporary
I wish I had someone to share it with
        But
He (1) doesn't love me
  He (2) just wants to **** me
She (A) thinks I'm crazy
  She (B [& C]) believes I'm innocent
And he (3) has had enough

So I'm all alone
Feeling happy
But lacking love

Does she* make you think,
Does she put you on pause?

Does she need to be saved,
Does she do the rescuing?

Does she let you in,
Does she wait open-armed?

Does she play spontaneous,
Does she function traditional?

Does she cause pointless smiles,
Does she wipe away honest tears?

Does she let you scream,
Does she bring you reality?

Does she run after you,
Does she wait patiently?

Does she help you grow,
Does she make you want to?

*Does she love you like me?

i was near hanging
standing on the chair
ready to stop breathing oxygen, air
i thought of you
and how we used to be
it pushed me closer to the edge
i thought i'd fall off
but then i remembered
how in your arms i always feel caught

crying and shaking
i made myself climb down
you are my wicked hope
you are my home
i need to keep breathing
if only just for you
you have saved me so many times
darling, i'm sorry and thank you

This cage I keep myself in,
Out of habit I call it life.
I've come close to escape --
By both rope and knife.

I pace and I chase
Me and Myself,
Wishing to be
Almost anyone else.

Oh, babe, I'm so sorry.
You've come back but now
I'm the one leaving.
Of me breathing --
             *I don't know how

I am the pencil
writing on the blank page
that you can easily ignore
or erase

I am a pencil
trying to write on skin
no damage done unless
I press deep

I am just pencil
because I am expected
to make mistakes
you don't keep

I am not a pencil
for then I could not die
or end my life in
escape

Please, tell me you're here to stay this time
            You are the only one I need to believe

Please, tell me I'm still somewhere inside
            You are the only one I might believe

Please, tell me you'll always have faith in me
            You are the only one I've ever believed

Please, tell me once again that you love me
            *You are the only one I want to believe

Dead and alone
Needy as ****
Someone please help me
I'm losing my luck

If I told you what a text from you can do,
Would your ego grow more?
I've always fought my hardest for you.
Always.
You motivate me to be normal;
To try.

You called me a *****,
And I strove to be pure.
You called me smart,
Made me top of the class.
Told me I was pretty,
And with you, I felt it.
You tell me you love me.
I've always meant it.
Always.

Cloaked in the stars

Wrapped in the night
Need to savor
Dark and light
Potential savior
Likely fright

Cloaked in the stars

Dawn of day
To be feared
And never to stay
Sometimes here
Sometimes far away

Cloaked in the stars

you don't mean the words you say to me
what are you afraid of
my association is painful for you
i'm sorry to know you

you don't mean the words you say to me
what are you afraid of
my association is painful for you
i'm sorry to know you

Look at me
My skin
Has dealt with a lot


                         I have lived through
                         Tumors and attacks
                         Cuts and bruises from me
                         Bruises from him


My poor skin
In the end
This damage is
All for naught
Because


                            *"Scars are only **** on guys..."

I'm sorry* your inbox is all me
I'm sorry I'm so **** needy
I'm sorry I'm afraid of everyone leaving
I'm sorry I say yes and then I say no
I'm sorry I beg you to stay then I go
I'm sorry I'm the sun then the moon
I'm sorry I'm so confused
I'm sorry I'm addicted to abuse
I'm sorry I hate being used
I'm sorry  I'm toxic
I'm sorry  I'm me

Same tunes, my whole life
Welcome home, it's Sunday night

Can't look anyone in the eye,
I hate myself for what I'll do tonight.
I already know I won't improve,
Can't, so what can I lose?

No one cares,
No one 'll miss me.
Not at all loved,
She just wants to 'kiss' me.

I am a trophy;
Up on a shelf.
(Look at this girl --
Danger to herself...)

He can have my arm

You can have my leg

He can have my heart

You can have my torso

And I'll be left
     with my head
     and the rest of
     my tattered body parts
           like always

I'm the entertainment
Let me perform
Call me up
For this I was born

Quiet my voice
No need for talking
Except for the necessary
****** accessories

For I've been trained
I know what to do
How to elicit
Arousal in you

I'm already dead
Inhuman
So I really can't ever
Break again

Oh, that's rich
Yeah, you think I'm a *****
Well have you spoken to your girlfriend lately
Her, the only one you let call you baby
She's so lovely, just a peach
Thank God she ain't nothing like me
"Loyal, devoted," she keeps public face
Faker, cheater, been all over the place

I might be loud, I might be troubled
At least I ain't walking all over you honey
Sorry you're blind, sorry your fooled
She is the one ******* every other dude
Maybe I'm fractured, just shy of crazy
But for you I'll always be here, waiting

Yeah, I know you liked my costume
I wore it with purpose for you
Your hands were on me, she was in the next room

What do you think they would do
If they knew this was how we behaved
Come closer to me, for right now
It's just you and I, here on this couch

You mean nothing to me
That's why I can do this
When I'm lonely and hurt, I can torment you
Let you have just enough
To feel powerful before I cut you off
How twisted am I, a witch
To cast a dark spell on
You, my boy -- me, your *****

Come on, take a hit
We're both alone and need this
Put your lips to me and inhale all you can
Before I burn out and leave you again

Oh that's rich
Yeah you think I'm a *****
Well have you spoken to your girlfriend lately
Her, the only one you let call you baby
She's so lovely, just a peach
Thank God she ain't nothing like me
"Loyal, devoted," she keeps public face
Faker, cheater, been all over the place

back to the time before we were broken
back to when we weren't yet fractured
back to the time before we were glowing
back to when we weren't yet acquainted
back to the time before we were oddities
back to the first time you had just met me

can we go back to that dark, shadowed night
when I wasn't quite broken
when you weren't quite alright
we were just strangers
shadows on the wall
with nothing yet to lose
and no reason yet to fall