sometimes i still imagine the snowy streets
and the quiet, dark calmness which only winter brings
and the pulsing excitement that i was headed to see you
the radio quietly humming and my mind running like crazy
a million thoughts surrounded by you

but now all of these memories are just purely lonely
and i hate winter and the snowy streets and the quiet darkness which is now so unnerving
because i can't change anything and winter now is only colder
as cold as you are now, frozen fragments inside of my head
i walk around to rid myself of them
yet you remain, you remain
you remain dead

i hate winter
because winter is you
and winter was us

you are one catastrophe away
from entering my dark place
i told you, to go back
there's no light for you inside of here
i wish you would stay
but that would be too selfish of me to ask
because you want sunshine and flowers
and inside of my dark place there exists not even smiles
you held onto my hand, right before the mouth of the entrance
said, i'm not going, i'm staying
if you won't let go, then i will
you won't like what you see
this golden picture i've painted of myself had to be consumed by the black eventually
so go back, go back
this is my dark place
it only ever has room for me within its suffocating walls
and i don't want you to fall
i never wanted you to fall

i see your self improvement in waves and then eventually the waves come crashing back down, deeper into dark recesses, never rising above the surface again for long
and i am so afraid that you will remain there, forever lost

my mind is rapid,
too rapid
because you keep running around me in circles
over and over and over

you're looking at her pictures now
instead of mine
in the middle of the night
when you need a little bit of healing
from your loneliness

and my existence
no longer
is your remedy

'i do not desire you, anymore'
like a closed door
you berated and left me alone
to wither within a passion
i felt was the sun
apparently -
you were too cold

i am sinking low
suffocating drowning
fast declining
poor health
in the head
and there is not much
that i can do about it
i wish
that this was a physical aliment
so that i could fix
myself, so much more easily
but i cannot see
the disease
but i feel it
******* hell do i feel it
within every last
single
membrane
of my war weary brain
it is so tired of fighting
as am i
as am i

'how are the thoughts? the bad thoughts?'
oh, they're better, they're better...
with a feigned smile and cover down sleeves
i am so much better
i'm sorry, but i have to lie through my teeth...

old pictures remind me
that good once existed
that people once existed
who don't exist anymore
who are now ghosts
at the touch of my fingertips
old pictures remind me
that i was once me
and you were once you

It gets harder and harder by the day
To learn how to forget your name
And see that face and train myself
That I never trusted my secrets with it
Much less ever kissed it
Brown eyes and brown hair
Aren't the same on anyone else now
Yours were always my favorite, and still
It's like you possess all of the color
And everyone else is bland and gray
And I don't understand how you don't care
That someone sees you as this surreal creature here
I'd give an arm and leg to receive a glance
Feel like I'm worth looking at

you slipped your heart into my pocket and told me to keep it
you told me as long as i have it, you don't need it
i kept it as safe as i could, though i am sorry for the days where i forgot that i had it
you asked for it back one day, as hard as it was to comply
it was already in pieces so i kept one sliver in my pocket, for you and i
so that i could never forget again

the other day
i had to tell you
how lately
i haven't been feeling too great
i just had to say
because i felt
that you were the only one
who would listen
you asked me the typical,
'are you okay?'
i realized i could not answer that
i didn't hear from you again after that
i stood here and felt
all sorts of this strange
emptiness
the full realization that
not even you
you
cared anymore -
was this my sign to accept
that we are no longer
so much emotionally connected?
was this my sign to see -
i have only me
and all of the help that i need
is sitting right at my feet
i just need the strength
to pick it up
and hold it
all on my own
i cannot carry you anymore
as my backbone

you look so lonely when you hunch your shoulders
and twist your fingers so tightly together
sitting in the corner, with your knees pressed to your chest
face covered, i can only hear mumbles
you look so lonely because this is how you always remain
so closed off and far away
if only you could allow me to see your face
maybe you could see there is a better way
than living inside of this solitude which is painting you pitch black
so much more color, you don't even have to ask
just rest your shoulders, release your fingers
stretch out your legs, lift your head from your lap
the world is brighter than you think, and i've been here all along sitting by your side
trying to make you see

i learned to be humble
when all of my privileges
were taken away
i learned to listen
when the girl down the street
ended her life one night
i practiced humility
when my past became so dark
and i learned not everyone is to be judged
i learned to forgive
no matter how badly you wronged me
i realized
you were the sad one, the unforgiving
you put me at fault
and i was
but i learned so much
and what you are
and what i am
and from the bad became good
i just want to be good

And don't you dare think that you can manipulate my thoughts
Because I have spent a great portion of my life perfecting my mind
I know what is inside and despite my head being a dark mess I know it and control it and your manipulative attempts will have no use on me
I know how to breathe and how to not and I know how to keep my brain from killing itself on the days when I am falling apart
These are my thoughts and mine alone and it is endlessly laughable that you think they are your own
Not even close

i have been
                      (sad)
lately
for what it would seem
                               (no reason)
to speak
so hear my crumbling
                                      (aching)
you aren't listening
i remain
                   (alone).

i talked to my Depression tonight
i begged it
to go away
it snickered, and said,
"but i am not done yet,
i need to stay"
and returned back
*******, i hit my head
go away...
go away

i see two sides of me
i know at this point
i am truly going crazy

i am endlessly tired
of seeing all these successful people
and i am endlessly tired
of creating catastrophes
when it is never intentional
but calling them mistakes
starts to sound like excuses
no it really isn't
and even my passions are useless
and i'm no good at those either
when i kind of want to share it with the world
and become one of those successful people
but i suppose i need to accept
i'll always be in the unnoticed dark
efforts are futile
people see success
not efforts
people see useless failures
not struggling survivors

there's a blank white canvas
because today i decided there needed to be
there's empty space
where i choose
which colors i want
and which ones i don't want
and i am the only one
who controls all of the brush strokes
i can paint you in,
or i can paint you out
i need to create
somewhere nice for myself
take me somewhere nice
where i have decided to be
take me to this place
where i chose my own happy ending

That's the beauty of life
Sometimes you detoriate and die
Sometimes you thrive

i will find
peace and solitary
somewhere, sometime
inside of this mind
just right now
is not my time
nor any of the right
kinds of love
that have kept me awake these nights
i will find
and it will be here
and it will be tangible
and it is so very near
but i need to learn
to love, first
myself
and it will be
so beautifully heart wrenching

if you can't stand up for me
then you don't deserve to stand next to me

i needed you
as a lover
for all of the things
that people who are in love
do
but even more
and more importantly
i needed you
as my best friend
when things became too low
and you always seemed to know
how to mend
all of these gaping holes

Are you with me so you don't have to be alone?
Do you hold me only to feel close to someone?
Do I mean anything besides a temporary bedsheet?
How long until you decide that it's time for a new one?
How long will I be a pillow before I'm no longer comfortable?
How long until I'm alcohol you no longer enjoy?
Or how long until you taste a better cigarette?
How long until I become that song you grow sick of after playing one hundred times?
How long until you say goodbye and forget the color of my eyes?

you're not pretty
like all of these other girls that you see
on the tv and in magazines
but who you are
is so unique
more than those other girls
could ever hope to be

i think of closed spaces and the tiny gaps between our fingers
and how much love used to linger
and the endless suffering which still surfaced as caring
because it was always too **** difficult to let go of each other
and we kept tugging and pulling at each others' fingers until we broke the other
and we blamed loved and claimed it as love
but we were toxic and killed the other
and still to this day, years later, we blame love
because we both desperately wanted and needed "love"
yet love and poison do not mix and all we ever did was create heartaches
i do not believe that i am fit for love, nor are you
love is not blood and the desire to die
love is not leaving the other when the fire becomes too high

people don't care
about people
like me
and once you realize
then you won't care either
about me

today i discovered that the rates for suicide are higher than those for homicides. people want to **** themselves more than they desire to **** another. there are homicidal maniacs running amok - hellbent on ending another human life. while the number of individuals who are hellbent on ending the only life they possess, excels.
death is everywhere, and unending. and inevitable. yet preventable.
i paused and felt heavy inside of my heart, the millions of lives that were taken on their own free will.

it's the words that are not said
that truly hurt the most
the words you want, you need
to hear
yet won't fall from poison lips
give me silence
and i already know the rest

it makes me too sad
i can't hold your hand
yesterday you wouldn't look at me
and today i feel you disappearing
i remember when you were nice
hold me tight, 'i love you, good night'
don't go, just don't go
you always wanted me close
tonight i sit on the couch by your side
we're watching a stupid movie but you aren't listening
and all i want to do is shrink and fade
into this dark room
you won't notice, you won't see
you're not listening
you're not hearing me
you'll say soon, 'let's go to bed'
and you'll want to have ***
and you'll hold me close for a brief moment
before drifting off
and i'll lay here awake
with the tv playing on in the background
thinking of all the wrong things
i've done this week
when i was trying, to not get in your way
(i don't want you to hate me)
do you want to go away?
i always told you that i was a ghost
and now around you, i truly feel like one
i'm so cold and so alone
you're right here
but you don't want me near
can we restart?
i'll be perfect, just as i was
before the bad things came out
and i am screaming at them to die
when all i want to do is die
and i need you
but you can't see
you're not listening
you're not hearing me

i am so exhausted by consistently loving you while you inconsistently "love" me

my skin is paper thin*

he smiled and said,
"well i would love to set it alight, watch you burn, watch you fight"

tell me again how this all makes sense
tell me again why there is blood on your hands
tell me again how love justifies suffocation
tell me again when enough is enough

"there will be so many others"
but i have already found you
the idea of others is dead to me -
why would i so easily
give up on a life
which i want with mine for eternity?

it's going around and around in my head
and it won't stop
i am so exhausted by all these words
i am so sick of writing, my one true love
i want okay things
i want calmer words filled with more serenity
forget this overreacting bitter agony
i want beautiful poetry
my pain is making it impossible
i am so tired of just whining
why can't i....?

so i said to you,
if you're scared of something
i think that you should just do it anyway
you didn't say anything
i forgot that we think so differently

cut out my tongue
so that i can stop telling you i love you
cut open my throat
so that i can stop screaming
from this immense pain you've brought upon me
cut off my ears
so that i can stop hearing your lies
cut out both of my eyes
so that i can forget
that you did once exist

i made myself hate you
so that i could forget you
i made myself hate you
so that i could stop loving you
i made myself hate you
because i knew all along
that there was more bad than good
i made myself hate you
to save me, to save my sanity
to put myself first and foremost
i made myself hate you
so that i could begin to love me

everything is nothing when you are not existing

sleep with the door unlocked
hoping that you will come by
crawl next to me in bed
hold me like you never left
it's a false hope
in the morning i know
i'll still wake up alone

when you told me that i broke your heart
i could only laugh and tell you that you are sadly mistaken
because i don't have the power to invoke that much sorrow inside of someone
when you are no one, you remain unseen and unfelt
to yourself, and everyone else

i did not break your heart
because i am not the type of person to be stricken over

i want more
so much more
of what you cannot offer
nor want to
i want to stay
you make me feel
this calm secure
the tiny pauses
between your breaths
makes me lay here and wonder
if you woke up
and i was dead in bed
would it make any difference?
you can throw my body
into a closet
and go into the kitchen
and make a cup of coffee
for one, not two
i always made you give more
than you wanted to

i've been up since five last night
drinking in suicide
all of these empty cans lying by my bed side
and it is 6:47 in the morning
i watched the sun rise up with agony
it's the mark of a new day
where i am still here
i didn't open that bottle of pills
it's sitting on the counter, feeling forgotten
i dialed your number on my phone
it's still sitting there on the screen, jumping at me
the big green call button staring at me
it's seven
the daylight is unfriendly towards me
i'll close my eyes again until five tonight
repeating this same old feeling

god, how much i miss my life

the way i saw you smile
when i told you that i love you
and you didn't say it back
but it was just the way that you smiled
that meant so much more than that

she told me,
that nothing feels real
i asked her,
what she meant
she replied,
because it doesn't feel like
you are actually lying
by my side

i said tonight
that i'm going to be dead
you said,
go ahead
i asked,
don't you care?
the stifling silence
on the other end of the line
was enough of an answer
of you and my life

i said tonight
good night
i love you
i'm going to be dead
the line clicked dead
and let go of the rope i did
swinging, my feet
i wish you were here
to grab them
and pull me back
i thought this as i

no more oxygen

*go ahead

i still remember the day where you asked me to please not **** myself
we were sitting on that couch you no longer have now
and just so you know,
those words meant everything to me and so much more

you said, jump
i asked how high?
however much will help you
to fall asleep at night
and by that i meant
i want you to plummet to your death
you're not jumping into the sky
you're falling in love face first
with concrete

you were always so great
at telling me to go die
i asked you how high
because i needed to know
how far must i go
for you to get the **** out of my life

i love you
and i just want to go to sleep
reading ****** sad poetry
and music that fills my dark room
alone, with no sound

'i love you'
i sent
but it's gone and done
gone for good

weren't we
eternity?
or was that
just me
imagining?
are you in your bed
missing me?
or in hers
trying to forget me?
if you haven't already
forgotten
(you said you wouldn't but now i'm terrified that you have)

this wasn't supposed to be
the end
a fact i can't accept
my life
without your life
that was never a concept
i could wrap around
inside of my head

and my biggest fear now
is not that you no longer love me
it's that i am afraid
you will forget me

and when i look at you
i see a creature i want to love
(that is all i want
but sadly
i am never enough alone)