i love you
and i just want to go to sleep
reading ****** sad poetry
and music that fills my dark room
alone, with no sound

'i love you'
i sent
but it's gone and done
gone for good

weren't we
eternity?
or was that
just me
imagining?
are you in your bed
missing me?
or in hers
trying to forget me?
if you haven't already
forgotten
(you said you wouldn't but now i'm terrified that you have)

this wasn't supposed to be
the end
a fact i can't accept
my life
without your life
that was never a concept
i could wrap around
inside of my head

and my biggest fear now
is not that you no longer love me
it's that i am afraid
you will forget me

and when i look at you
i see a creature i want to love
(that is all i want
but sadly
i am never enough alone)

maybe i'm not depressed
maybe i created
a nonexistent mess
maybe i'm okay
but i still can't seem
to explain
this aching
in my brain

she said you are fire and she lets you burn her
she said you are a sun that keeps her warm yet a moon during the night which keeps her cold
she said you are a tragedy in her eyes yet you are your own beautiful masterpiece in the right times
she said you love her
she said she wants to believe you

i carry and keep
so many quiet words
within the deepest confines
of my unrelenting soul
and at times they may find
their way up to my heart
as i begin to feel
forced to speak
they may even make it as far
as reaching my lips
as you're holding my hands
and tears glisten
there is so much i want to say
the quiet words are my strongest words
yet i cannot seem to find
a solace within anyone
who can push them up
to my mouth
i'm a beggar on the street
begging for my heart to speak

it may have been so crass of me
but i decided that no one who is not you
wasn't worth my time
i have no time for others to spend
you are my only one until the end

do you have any idea the amount of break up texts i have composed and written within the notes of my phone?
and i kept telling myself, that this time i would send it
yet i knew i was lying
over and over i spilled out the words
only to be unsent and deleted
maybe things need to be over with
if i'm pouring my heart out over break up words
instead of fixing things
because i know that you won't listen
i know that we are done for good
i know that things are unfixable

i can't
i can't admit it

so here's to our new hearts
here's to our new start
here's to saying goodbye
to our ugly past which caused our wreck
here's to our new and purer love
here's to us -
because it always
must be
us

why do we keep writing for people who couldn't give one thought that we are spilling words for them?
dipping our fingers into ink which aches and can only write so much until the mind breaks
a silhouette of someone now who was once as tangible as the pen grasped so tightly,
yet the only thing we are now hugging are our knees to our chest to soothe this new empty space
and the words keep flowing and flowing like a bad paper cut, so small yet so fragile to the touch
blood ebbing and bubbling and spilling over, only to heal and reopen and begin again
we all have that one person, who we are so tired of writing about, and vow to stop, but how else would we cope?

you
      have
              no
                   idea  

how
        much
                  i
                   write
                        
                                    about
                                               you

long ago,
do you remember?
when you used to write me love letters

maybe i want you to find my notebooks someday
so that you can read all about my pain
that i kept stashed and stored and hidden
behind my pen and the countless ink stains on my hands
my pain that i wanted to speak to you about yet never could
so here are my last words, they always didn't come so easy to write
i grew restless, exhausted, and i just wanted you to look into my eyes
instead i held base, behind these scribbled lines

i wrote until my fingers bled
and even then,
things still didn't make sense

same one person
broke my heart twice
didn't i learn
the first time?
if given the chance
i know i
would let you
break for a third round
over and over
again
this dance
i could go on
and on

you're worth the torture

all i do lately is lay in bed and pass the time
until i can again call you mine

it's late
you're already asleep
i'll tiptoe down the streets
hoping you haven't forgotten about me

just for an hour even -
can i lay in your bed with you?
lately you're my only medicine
lately the doses have become too small and too few

it'll be like nothing bad ever happened
nothing bad ever happened

when this is all i have left
some paper and a pen
to sort through what's going on in my head
i have a voice that doesn't know how to act
how to be loud, only in this silence
and i'm writing to you to tell you
just how much you mean to me
because you no longer like to hear me speak
so this is all i have left
just some paper and a pen
spilling words until everything can make sense again

today i had someone call me crazy
when they noticed the scars which ravaged up and down my arms
i couldn't say anything, except just think -
so hurting makes me crazy?
the stupidity of how people toss that word around so carelessly
i was never "crazy"
my scars remain as reminders of a past hurt
of a terrible thing i no longer feel the urge to do to myself anymore

so before you label me "crazy"
look at yourself and your ugly thoughts
and how cruel you must be to demean a survivor of their own horrendous thoughts

every night
when i walk home
my eyes pierce through the dark
hoping to see you walking, too
towards me
under the streetlights
but you never are

i do not make you happy
any longer
it is in your face
it is laced within your words that you speak to me
it is within your weary eyes that now look at me with such remorse and hurt
i no longer am
a source of your happiness
the realization of which
kills me slowly
but surely
i must go
because i can show you and tell you
how much i love you
yet it will never reach you
and i am so terribly sorry
for becoming a source of pain
but, i love you
and i, still do
so if you are free from me
you will bloom
into a happiness i could never obtain for you

i want to start something new
with you i was childish and a fool
yet i can't deny that that was ever me
so honest and fragile but never truly free
clung onto you too tightly for security and peace
i feel a change of pace
that i don't have to remain that way
but oh god, on some days
on some days ...
i'd give anything to be that me again
i'd give anything to be that madly in love with you again

you ask me not to leave
you say, please
but what are you
expecting from me?
i reply
it's tempting
if only you would change
the way that you treat me

i feel as if happiness should come easier than this
so light, and welcoming
not so tiring, and trying
like having to train myself to accept the good thoughts
it shouldn't be this hard
i shouldn't have to swallow pills
to make all of the violence in my head stop
happiness is a choice they say, well -
it has never felt like one to me
it's a chore, a task, one i am uncertain i will ever complete
it is so fleeting

she is so beautiful
and she is so beautiful with words
her delicate fingers
and her ever-colorful eyes
deep and resounding,
people watching
taking in the details
that pass by everyone else
in the streets, lost among the crowds
and yet she sees

she is so beautiful
her face, her mind
her bravery, her insight
her soul
oh her soul

i told her that she is a rarity
she kept bitterly smiling
like she knew
that she was an outsider
to a world so cruel

you only loved me during the summer because you were happy
because of the sunlight
but when autumn arrived
you decided it was time to walk away
i had become love faded

train tracks
train
jump
dead
house
right in front
yours
dying
right where the one
i love
is living
sleeping
rest
i can haunt you
where i put
my spirit
to rest

don't pay too much close attention
to the rhymes and the flow
write from your heart
let it spill out
relentlessly
that is the most pure
of our words
raw emotion
who needs writing devices?

her laugh was cold.
"i know he doesn't care about me. and the worst part is, i know it, but i can't seem to walk away. i'm sitting here feeling sad for myself for this mess i choose to stay in. and i only have myself to blame."
her smile was small and sad.
"love... it does crazy things."

we can drink coffee
and stay awake all night
laugh through the smoke
of cigarettes
and make believe
that we are all right
we'll watch the sun rise
as it paints a lilac sky
we can crawl into bed
and kiss good night
i'll hold your hand
as sleep takes over
i'll be here and evermore
when you turn over
my skin as your blanket, but
you don't want this
my apologies, my acceptance

where'd you go?
i saved you a place
in case you decide to come home
i left the door unlocked
and saved your place in the bed
so where did you go?
it's becoming too cold
and i'm running out of excuses to stay awake
to hear the door **** turn
and you're here
where you belong

anything
that we do
now
no longer
matters
if it isn't
with each other

it's funny,
when we met
i told you that i don't judge
that i don't label
because it never is my place to
because people
need to make
those judgments themselves

it's funny,
the night i found myself
screaming at you
that you are an alcoholic
and all of my pretty words became ugly
but that was the only solace i could find
for the ways you beat me down
with your poison liquid
and i knew, i knew
how true it was
how it always was

locked up inside of loneliness
and here i thought you were my key

i want to peel
my skin from my face
because i feel unsafe
living in such this way
and therein contained
is such overwhelming ugliness
i don't want you to see me
in this skin
i want pure and unblemished
a sight which you can cherish

here, i hope you don't mind
all of the blood dripping at your feet
i clawed my heart out for you
just so you could see
that you own it and it is yours
and everything that is me

trust me when i say
that i am trying so hard
to be a better person
in so many ways

don't you dare tell me about my pain
when you have never lived inside of my brain

i am starting to realize
that the more i write about you
the less and less i feel for you
drying you out, over and over
with each word and letter
and maybe this is my sense
of finding closure
because you would never give me any
and i feel my fingers
are done spilling over for you
perhaps not as frequently, but never again
and you can stop haunting me and making me feel bad
i think at last, you've become a stranger to me
and i could not be more happy at the thought
of you no longer plaguing my writing
(i learned to let you go
on my own)

you can hate me for all that i am worth
(which is nothing at all)
i can't believe how you sat there and just watched me choke
(all over your spiteful words)
and then when it was all over you would take my hand
(i'm sorry, i love you, i promise it won't happen again)
and a week later here i was, begging you to see the damaging effects of your blows
(but you made me so mad, quit making me so mad and i won't do this again)
how many countless nights did i fall asleep with a bruise on my cheek
(it's a new morning, i love you, i love you, i'm sorry for last night)
why did i find myself still loving you? love should not hurt, but
(i love hurting you, more than i actually love you)
and here we went, here we go, i'm at the mercy of your first, just please don't go

but i ******* want to go

you were ever rarely a good love
a bad love
an abusive love
a love that was never love
my first love

all i am seeing is you
in everything that i do
and all of me
is lost in you
when i see you
i see you
and when i see you
i love you
and when i am alone
i am a ghost
my fingers fit
nowhere else
i know i need to
bury this hatchet
which you have hurt me with
over
and
over again
but my hands are lead
and can find no dirt
and my biggest fear
is you forgetting
that i exist
how this chest
no longer is a home
to a heart
it's lost
in you
when i see you

so it has been one year now
of me adoring you from afar
you unaware, and me stealing quick glances
when you were not looking
(this isn't really going to sound poetic
i just had to get out of my chest)
i saw the other day, you were with her
officially, now, right?
because you had to put it on the internet
(which, by the way, is ruining lives)
and i saw,
she was the complete opposite of me
and so much better
so much prettier
so much more successful
and it seemed to me
i was shrinking
fading into the background, as always
as someone who adores you
but cannot speak
and only ever yearns, to know you
but you have her
and she is flawless, i see
i see why
you would choose her
and perhaps my silence is my downfall
but you are so
inexplicably
perfection
i cannot speak, i remain mute
i just can't help but wish
you were coming here to see me
not she
she
i am always ever remaining
nothing

because i am locked away
writing stupid poetry
which no eyes will read

failing
              and
                        falling
falli­ng
              into
                       failing
where the ****
                                   am i *going?

lights flickering
inside of your eyes
your pupils dark
no color within your irises
so much deep emptiness -
and no sight of me
but that's how it always was, right?
you never actually saw me
you can't see any light
when i always tried
to give you mine

sometimes
i don't know
how i really feel
so i go along with
how i believe
i should feel
and i don't think
that it really helps
but how would i know?
i'm swimming dead in my brain cells

and we think that we love each other
but we don't
and this is the most heartbreaking part

i'm going to wrap myself within loneliness
and allow it to consume me
corrupt my lungs, my slowing down breathing
numb my brain, to the point of dysfunction
let me become so far, i can no longer see this place
let me be, isolated and consumed, within this everlong solitude
let me be
let me be

what right do i have to want to die, when people around me who are younger than me die all of the time? what right do i have to throw away the experiences i have had, and yet to have, when some seventeen year old will never have that chance?

what right do i have to want to die, when people are dying before their time?

there have been different versions of you
with each and every person,
that you have melded in with your life
different parts you let out, different parts you hide
for the right person, the right soul
yet none completely resonate with your own

there are different versions of you
which one is the one - that is you?
the one when you are human, and raw
and alone
the one you speak to
most true, unafraid

we think we need people
but which one is you -
truly you?
in your solitude -
isn't that where you find
the best version of you?

i can feel it
as if i was a flower, too stuck beneath the earth, tied down by my roots that refused to grow
too scared to grow, too scared to bloom
i can feel it
i'm pulling away from my roots finally and raising above the earth
into this foreign light and sunshine, no longer finding comfort in the cold dark
i'm blooming, growing, away from you becoming the beauty i could have always been, yet you were holding me back, i remained stuck and unwell, no water, no sunlight
i'm leaving my roots behind, my petals are vibrant and bright
and i am no longer scared to keep growing away from you, far far away
you showered me with dirt and worms
i found my strength to break free and grow into what you didn't want me to be

and i'm tearing out my insides to give you space
you've made me so empty but it's all okay
because you simply being happy is all that really mattered to me
and you wanted me gone, i couldn't play the part you wanted me to play
i failed as i seem to do with everything
you're in a better place now, away from what was once me
we said our sullen goodbyes and you turned without looking back once
your back was so bright, and full of light
i gravitated all of the dark towards myself
and it didn't matter, because i loved you more than i have ever loved myself
and if you're happy now, then don't ever look back
i will still be standing there
decaying, rotting flesh
i am no longer beautiful and you are so wonderful
so don't let me taint you, again
you paved life, and you deserve to remain there
while i wither
i wither and die