To be loved when its not convinient
To be loved for the hand gestures made when i talk about the netflix show i just got into
To be loved for the way i part my hair
To be loved for making a joke with the waiter
To be loved for taking the long route to get you a coffee
To be loved for being vulnerable
Oh to be loved for the smallest things and the big ones blindly.

I have never been loved
Or maybe i have, i just need to be reminded
Maybe the bad overpowered the good and now my heart has been numbed.
Leaving love to be something i once upon a time desired.

Was it easy to let go?
Was it easy to leave me drowning on my own?
Did you not feel anything?
Did you not feel like you were suffocating?
Because I did
Every step I took  it got harder to breathe
Easier at the same time too
Did you feel that as well?
I am sure you didn't
Maybe that is why you left me behind
Behind to fight for us alone

I made a child happy once - you failed to see it.
I pulled myself together quick after i was bullied - you failed to see it.
I was the top scorer once - you failed to see it.
I studied all night - you failed to see it
I stood up again and again when I was pulled down - but you failed to see it

I fell down once - you saw it
I took a break to escape my anxiety - you saw it
I broke down over my failures - you saw it
I stood alone not being able to converse  - you saw it

You only believed what you saw.
Hence, I wasn't surprised when you saw me as a failure

That night the air smelt like cotton candy
The lights a kaleidoscope
I could taste the saltiness of the air
My toes burning from the warm sand
I remembered everything that day
Especially you
Your eyes sparkled like those fairy lights
Your lazy smile, so effortless
Your soft brown hair tousled up by the wind or my hands I couldn't tell
And in that moment it was like everything except for you went out of focus like in a new HD camera.

She can’t walk alone
Her skin could not be shown
Her knowledge is useless
Her success is fruitless
Her earnings are not well off
She cannot trough
Her legs should not be spread
She shall not lie in any men’s bed
She better be home by six
If not she would be considered as ******* *****
Her opinion never mattered
Her dignity should never be scattered
Her thoughts and body should be innocent and pure
She shall not be dressed well otherwise she has someone to lure
Yet she smiles to herself as she wanders the dark alley
79th street valley
Her fingers intertwined with hers
Dollar bills over flowing her purse
She lies sprawled on the dead street her hands pulling at her risen skirt
Tugging at her girlfriend’s shirt
She munches on the Coney dog famous in Michigan
Leans over and whispers “at least there is 1 rule I have not broken”

Give a little time to me
I will sort it out
Give a little time to me
I will turn around
Give a little time to me
I will make it out
Give a little time to me
It’ll choke down
Give a little time to me
I’ll get about
Just hold on now
I’ll be there
Maybe not as soon
I’ll find my way.

At the age of 12 my aunt said
" No one is going to marry you if you stay this skinny."
She laughed as I felt ugly.
At the age of 13 my grandmother said
" Your teeth, they are not right you must fix it"
They nodded in agreement shooting me down with another bullet.
At the age of 14 my mother said
" Your skin is too dark, make it lighter"
She passed a ****** pack as I scrubbed my skin as hard as sandpaper.
At the age of 16, my great uncle said
" Your eyes are huge, go for a reduction surgery maybe?"
My heart sank as I rushed to save every dollar, every penny.
At the age of 17, I said to myself
" You are filthy, not worthy of a second look, not worthy of finding happiness, not worthy of getting married"
I realised my worth was decided, my abilities were limited and my future was cursed at the age of 12, very young indeed.

A dream, a crave, a love engraved
A desire, a fire, a vision so dazed
Every thought, so fleeting, only this held tight
Every tear, such failure, for this i fight
Such pain, still settling, that road was rough
Such anger, ****** up, passion is never enough

There was a time when she cared
To satisfy any need of yours, she was prepared
You gave her just enough to stay
And stay she did everyday
There was a glimmer of hope that she will receive love back
Every song related back to you, every soundtrack
One day, 3 am at night she laid there
Room dark, status of you being online a glare
She watched it switch offline, realising you never replied
Finally it ******* hit her that to be her lover you were never qualified
Males are only useful if they are fertile
Men are trash was not just a insta post, it became a lifestyle
If liking men was a choice
Trust me when i say i would have yeeted the boys.

We sat at your favorite Persian cafe.
My hand wrapped around the coffee mug while the other interlaced with yours, somehow feeling warmer.
We walked out that day into the toasty September air, you looked at me and your eyes were as brown.
Your pearly smile filling my heart up.
And as we stopped right in front of the crystal blue sea and my toes met the water, you wrapped your hands around me blanketing me with comfort.
And at that very moment as I leaned back into you I remembered just what you reminded me of.
You reminded me of sipping on a cup of warm latte on a chilly december night.

He touched her
This random stranger
His rough hands slid up her bare thigh
He wandered higher causing his desire to amplify
She gasped and shuddered
His words making her feel more revolted
She pushed and she ran
Picking her burqa up with her hand
They turned and the spoke
All these women who saw everything as a joke
"She deserved it" one said
For what she was wearing proved just that.

“We’ll play hide and seek” he said
The only thing that she most dread
He hid as usual
This game was brutal
She searched for awhile
Knowing this is going to be her lifestyle
She couldn’t find him this time
This game should be a crime
She didn’t understand what happened this time round
She didn’t understand he didn’t want to be found

There was a time where gifts mattered more than time.
There was a time where the number of friends mattered more than the kind.
There was a time where taste mattered more than the fulfillment.
There was a time where grades mattered more than character.
There was a time where looks mattered more than the heart.
There was a time where self mattered more than another.
There was a time where our minds changed and our priorities shifted and that was the time we matured.

I have never liked fictional stories
Their fake and illogical inventories
The possibility of stories never turning into reality
Despite the temporary moments of glee
Eating up children's wild imagination it lives
The pointless hope it gives
I have never liked fictional stories

My dad always told me I was useless
At times like this I believe him
Could have stood up for him
Could have pushed the kids who hurt him away
Could have, could have, could have I could but I didn’t
I didn’t because I was scared
Fear is our worst enemy they say
I think fear is our best friend
He stops us from doing things that we shouldn’t
Because if I stood up for him that day
He would not have learned to fight for himself
At least that’s what I say to ease my guilt
The guilt I got after listening to my best friend.
Listening to only what he said

She was art. The kind that is exquisite and captivating yet cheap as no one, not even he who made her could see how much she was worth.

They say be your own kind of beautiful
But what if I am not
What if the person who said so had the courage only because they were beautiful.
Whereas I am not
" Oh my God you look so pretty," they say to my friend. Not to me.
Because I am not.
" What is on the inside is what matters," she said.
Then why do I still get left behind?
Because I am not
"Your heart is beautiful," he said.
But what if I want to be beautiful on the outside too.
But I can't
Because I am not
I am nowhere near. So far. Far away from beautiful.
Can't build confidence. I can only build walls to conceal. Conceal emotions and ugliness.
Because I am not beautiful at all.

She couldn’t fight when her father didn’t want her home
She couldn’t fight when her mother told her not to roam
She couldn’t fight when they “married” her off to another man
She couldn’t fight when he left her to pursue his lifelong plan
She couldn’t fight when she held her crying 1 year old
She promised herself to be bold
She stood up to the world, the world that said she couldn’t
She fell back down when they said a she shouldn’t

She has tried her hardest not always but often
She falters on occasions not often
She wants him to see how much she has done
She wants him to stand by her side when she is not at her best
She knows he is willing to do it sometimes not often
She knows that he feels sick just looking at her
She knows that he can't stand her
So, she backs away into silence right beside him
Right where he can see
Because unlike him she would stay at his worst
She would die for him always not often

I walk down the lane of misery for the last time this year
Reminiscing my failures
I watch my hard work float away like my lovers who promised to stay.
The self-doubt however lingers
The confidence diminishing like the seconds to a new year
The new year of little significance
For we all know we will never change
We will face the same doubts
We will cry for the same reason
We will fight the same battle
and we will never learn
Not this time, not this year, not this new year

Hatred makes you stronger
What is there to stop you when care is no longer
Hatred makes you unhappy
Nothing that can't be solved with a lil therapy
Hatred makes you run
Fell free, go far ,for reasons to turn back are none
Hatred makes you free
Noone can hold you back not even with a dramatic plea
Hatred makes you stronger

Why did I choose not to do it?
I could have taken the easy way out.
I could have lied and faked a smile.
We could have gone anywhere together.
But I didn't want to go anywhere I wanted to go somewhere.
Maybe that's why I didn't do it.
I didn't apologise.
I did not want to be there, that somewhere, no.
I didn't want to be there with you.

Get your hands *****
Dirtier, the need for change is a hurry
Take on this fight
Fight for justice, fight for what is right
Must not let this momentum die
Dying is for cowards, dying is for those who are not an ally
If the country is set in flames
Flames shall it be in, for the ones who died. Say their ******* names
Dont't you dare put that fist down
Down shall those murders go, we must do this to protect our children in the playground.

It is okay to hurt sometimes
It shows you have a heart
And when you understand how fragile that heart is
You take care of it, you protect it
That is appreciation of what you are truly made up of
And what better feelings is there, than to accept and appreciate yourself
Hence maybe, just maybe it is okay to hurt sometimes

She counts the cost of each grain before she buys
She robotically ignores things priced too high
She so badly wants the supermarket flowers
She places them back reluctantly as it's above her budget
I stare in dismay
I stare in annoyance
I complain takes forever to shop
I ramble how we can't buy the things I want
I realise that's all I ever did
I never stopped to realise that she is doing it for us
But all I hope is someday I get to buy her all the supermarket flowers she wanted.
I hope that someday I will take her to shop without her fearing of spending too much

Everyone fails, right? Wrong.
No one is allowed to fail, not in my house
Failure is a sin, not a stepping stone.
Failure is a curse, a profanity
Failure kills
and maybe that's why I want to fail so badly

Sometimes I cry for no reason
The simplest things stress me out
I get so stressed and the dumbest tasks
and no one, not even my parents can understand why
The claim its an excuse for my irrational behavior but is it?
I get labeled as the angsty girl
who gets angry at everything?
Is it my fault? or is it anxiety's?
She never gets blamed
She is a burden the kind that you cant get rid off easily
The kind that weighs you down for the rest of your life
The kind that drowns you

Words, do you use them to tear others down?
Words, do you use them to make others feel ****** about themselves?
These words, how does it not hurt to say these words to me?
These words, cannot be uttered by me because I know how much pain it inflicts.
These words, I never expected you to say
These words, I think about all **** day
These words hurt so much more when it comes from you, the person who I expect to say otherwise.
These words, that hurt me so much that I want to do exactly what you said. That is to die.

I miss the younger me, she who was comfortable wearing whatever she liked.
I miss the younger me who believed in prince charming and a heartfelt love.
I miss the younger me who craved to grow up and make my own choices.
I miss younger me who was allowed to cry when she fell down.
I miss the younger me who found everything interesting.
I miss the younger me who had hope for a better and brighter future.
I miss the younger me.

Water rushed down his throat almost as fast as the waves that hit them.
His vision blurred  but he could see her face clear as day, smiling.
It was then he noticed that her smile wasn't a happy one it was sorrowful.
It was asking, begging really for him to hold on.
But his fingers had other aims.
His salty tears became one with the ocean as his wrinkly numb fingers slip off his only chance of survival.
"Please, help" he cried but to no avail.
No avail as they claimed they couldn't hear him. They claimed they couldn't hear the thousands pleading.
They couldn't hear because they weren't listening.
They were too caught up in their own filthy agenda.
They were too caught up making their hands ***** to "build houses" in which these loud people would not get to live in.

Tough luck love, he shrugged
Luck was indeed tough
How could it be written in the stars that life had to end this way
Many things would have gone wrong,right?
For someone to feel life is so worthless
To choose feeling air getting choked out of them
over breathing another day
Tough luck love, he said
Luck was indeed tough
But if it meant he would stay one more day, i would have forced the stars to change

Dear friend,
You, who I have never spoken to
You who I can never possibly speak to
You whom I shed tears for this morning
How have you been?
Has anyone asked you how you are feeling lately?
Had anyone noticed your absence?
Are these questions getting you tired?
I believe so
Afterall these questions murdered you, literally
These questions who do not understand the importance of life have left you strangled and dead at such a young age.
So, dear friend, I hope you are happier.
and dear friend, I promise to make your absence to good use.

Somehow everyone has a mental illness
When did a disease become a trend?
It feels like we are in a storybook
The boy who cried wolf
Where everyone cries out for help
But those whose pleas meant something were left unheard

Maybe we were meant to love those who don't reciprocate
Maybe its the chase
The outcome is not appealing as its process
I know this
But why is it that I can't give up
Why do I still want this although I will leave
I want this not because I love you
I love the process of getting to you
and I will love it with others who come after you.

He didn't go back to her because she was beautiful.
He didn't go back to her because he was treated badly by his new woman.
He didn't go back to her because she was there when he was lonely.
He didn't go back to her because he loved the way she stood up for herself.
He went back to her because he there was no else for him but her.
He went back to her because she was his soulmate
His one and only.

I have tried to find love this past summer,
Found a couple of talkers no lovers.
I have tried to find love for my loneliness
No one filled up my inner emptiness.
It seemed like everyone had found one for their own
Guess i was left alone to mourn.
Maybe finding love is an idea i should elope
However, i cant seem to lose hope.

Caramel highlights, prettier under the sunlight
Roots grown, dark and discrete
Wipe off the wisps haphazard
Pools of golden brown disappear
Glossy black steals the show
Tangled curls on the floor
Matted up, scarlet seeping through
Light coruscated and it was true
Caramel highlights, prettier under the flashlight

Have you found it yet dear?
The happiness you were searching for.
It has been almost 5 years now
5 years since you realised how tough living ... how tough breathing is.
It gets easy at times, for a second you would have found hope.
I know it ... i know it because you would not be reading this if you would have given up.
Are you proud? I am not, because existing shouldnt be an acomplishment. Living is.
I have not lived for a long time, i forgot how it feels.
Maybe you will find it one day till then you shall hope and i shall hope with you.
And when you do i will ask again.
Have you found it yet dear?
The happiness you were searching for.

Guilt makes life feel worthless
Worthless when it comes from hatred
Hatred towards the ones you love
Love so hard, that you need validation
Validation that they feel the same way
Way too many thoughts
Thoughts that they may feel otherwise
Otherwise, like wanting to end things
Things that i want to end too, sometimes
Sometimes i hate everyone

I love when the lights are low
A visual representation of whispers

You stood across from me, meters away
Yet i could see your eyes follow me
There was no doubt
I smiled to myself
Who doesnt like attention?
Someone else would have done something impressive
But i stayed, crossing my legs
It doesnt matter to you
There was no doubt
Somehow i have captured your attention
Maybe you saw something in me i couldnt
I would want to know
I would like to see it for myself
Somehow, when it come to me i had a doubt

I have vivid dreams nowadays
Maybe you can relate
Is it the quarantine?The lack of activity
Sending my mind into a frenzy
Or is it the time
Time to analyse every moment of my life
Realising how happy or scary it could be