When hell freezes over
And i can’t feel the cracks in the walls
I’m not sure anymore
“These times are the worst times”
And what comes after
What if i don’t want to know
Why do babies die
When they’ve never done anything
The most innocent
This earth will ever feel
Is when it’s reclaiming
The porcelain faces
With eyes closed
Maybe it’s because
The longer we spend waiting
Like opening windows
When it’s supposed to rain
“It gets worse before it gets better”
But there is no contest
It’s just comparison
Plath wrote a novel
About how hard it is to die
Your body doesn’t want to
But your soul can’t sleep anymore
You are tired
From bouncing off the padded walls
Inside your skull
So much it feels like
Your own thoughts have bruises
Concussions within concussions
It hurts to think
The engine doesn’t start
And every day i try to sleep
I’m still awake
Because it doesn’t matter anymore
We spend our time
Waiting out the storm
(Even when it’s in the windows)
Waiting for the sunshine
But all it means is
The storm will ruin everything
And no amount of sunlight
Will ever make the floorboards dry up
Will fix the ruined wallpaper
No open windows
Will air out this house
Like dust on the mantel
The floorboards pop
Like the elbows of tree branches
Shivering in winter
The house is restless
But too old to move
And so am i.
There’s still something in it
And still so empty at the same time.
If the room is vacant
Is it still a room
Or is it a tomb
That’s been desecrated
Put it back the way it was meant to be,
The dead haunting both places.
Because i am fearless
To be honest
When you don’t feel
I am plastic and
Tattered rugs in the hallway
Cigarette smoke stains
Nicotine yellow and
rotting from the inside out
Like a cavity
You’ve always been too poor to fix
Yet... not an ache like that
Too easy to ignore
And when it’s past the point
It falls out, and life goes on
I am a wildfire
Burning everything alive
And too big to put out
Everyone can see it
The very smoke from my own destruction
Is killing the skies
Suffocating on top of the heat
Like a hurricane, hotter
A god of fifty thousand degrees
And yet... they see it coming
All they can do is
Hope i burn myself out
And don’t take their lives too
And there’s nothing
No open windows
Can do about it
dewalt yellow construction stereo
marysville lumber coffee mug
plastic blue butter knife
red solo cup
black metallic lantern
smoke and ash
trees towering above
red case containing coffee grounds
a blanket of sunlight
journal excerpt from 2018; i wrote a list of things around me that caught my eye
Malam ini aku teringat akan dirimu
Sosok yg selalu aku rindukan
Semasa dulu hingga saat itu
Sebelum diriku berubah.
Kini kita menjauh
Aku tak tahu apa yg membuat kita jauh
Aku pun tak mengerti
Mengapa engkau begitu dingin
Tak bisakah engkau sedikit menengok ku? Atau kembali menyapa diriku seperti sebelumnya?
Catatan lama yang kemudian aku memberanikan diri untuk meng-upload nya.
Some time in may
Last year, 2018
It was a warm day
I was thirteen
You said you didn't want me
You broke my heart and changed me
But that's not the end
I thought I'd never finish
To die was my dearest wish
But I turned fourteen
You may have broke my heart
But it fixed on its own
You messed me up real smart
Now my hearts on airplane mode
Won't let anything in
That includes memories of you
I'm going to win
I will forget how I loved you
You you you you you
On my mind
Me me me me me
Please be kind
You're still alive
Look at you
Heart still going
My heart's on airplane mode
At least it's still beating
Living on my own
No more feeling
Thought I'd be dead by now really I did pretty proud I'm still here hehe
Look at me and glance into my eyes. Feel the power from the windows of my soul. Glare into the beaming light of my mind. Relax BUT WAIT I want full control. The conversation begins my attraction the stimulation of total interaction. Lay it on me nice and slow let the words soothe you with the warmest touch and let your mind flow. So now I begin to think because HELL its only my thoughts right or is it the emotion deep within my thoughts that DRIVE YOU CRAZY. Welcome to my mind a mind of intellect, a mind of deep passion, a mind of growth, but more a mind of mental action. I wanna lick you from your head to your toes. I wanna show your body what I’ve been craving for. I wanna lick those ***** lips like I never ate your ***** in my face before. I wanna glide my tongue across that **** until you begin to *** all in my mouth while I’m ******* on that your pleasure point. I want to gently caress your back with the slightest touch of my tongue. Kissing you from your neck to your private places while your back begins to arch with the pressure of my manhood inserting your throbbing treasure chest. I wanna change of the pattern of your breathing. Gently stroking while our bodies and minds connect in the most desirable physical form. Making love like the sun meeting the horizon. Ever flowing like the rivers and streams as I hit that spot that makes you yearn for more. CREAM! More power with a deeper attitude. Fire and desire, love making until the night is day baby I want to give you something that’s gone change ya entire life. Pleasure and pain I can just hear it now but wait, can’t forget about that gentle kiss that makes it even better. Words unspoken but through physical form let it be felt. I love you with passion ever so smoothly and intimately. Like that mental touch that glides down your spine to the gentle kiss from your lips to mine. Baby I wanna make love to you til the sun come up but now SNAP! ......... Dam it’s only just my thoughts.
Now what did you say?
So picture you are talking to someone face to face. Picture this person as the one that you are most attracted to but you know you can’t have. Now you both are in a conversation but you hear your voice inside your head louder then the words that they are speaking.
You get me tight when I know I can’t have you. No I’m not talking about ****** healing, but the intimate things like hold you on a daily, kiss you like it’s my last, caress and soothe ya mind while watching a movie, laugh at stupid jokes and clown on each other for being goofy. You mean so much to me and I’m not ashamed to express it. Whether it’s in the public eye or in our private time, just the thought of your face puts a smile upon mine. Just to know that you are happy brings joy to my heart. If love conquers all then pain should be of the past and ultimately mend the broken from the start. Days past and nights slowly drift away but one thing is that I’m forever appreciative of that day when we first intervened in each other’s space. You’re like the missing piece to my puzzle that I’ve been waiting to find. A tender heart, a sweet soul and a gentle mind. The love I possess is real, authenticity at its best I just want you to feel. Feel the way my heart beats to the soothing rhythm of life, not the wounds of the forbidden knife. Day by day your love captures me more and more, for Gods mercy we can and shall endure. Endure the hurt, endure the pain, endure the lonely nights crying of each other’s name. For the pressure to love will never be too hard because through Gods grace, we can now lay off the guard. The guard that wants to hold us back and hinder our growth, never to reveal the season of our outgrowth. So point in fact is that I cherish you and I promise to love. Love with not a broken heart but a mended mind because if love conquers all then I’ve been loving you from the very start.
The smell of you hair.
Love you to the moon? I'd give you the universe if I could.
Lying to my parents.
words are images that is in your mind, here's a few words that makes 2018 mine.
I hate you 2018, goodbye
In the past 12 months
You've taken everything from me
while all I could do was scream ..why?
Why did u take everyone I loved
Why was I was left with my depression
I tried to reach out but was told that my feelings didnt matter and away ,they were shoved
I realized I'm not living for myself
I am my mothers puppet
that has to be perfect and be kept safe in a cell ...
(that what i call my room now)
when I look at my bed
all I see is the pain,the sleepless nights
when all I wanted was an escape from the thoughts in my head
I look at my ceiling and walls
I would stare at them
while i sobbing
as I curled my body into a ball
I'm going to have a better year
because if its as bad as 2018
i don't know if I will still be here
We're a world and generation set on depersonalization
Where everything is on social media but everyone is scared to socialize.
We all promise we "just need to vent" but is it venting or is it depression?
"He loves me, he's just tired. Its not abuse, she's just tired. I'm not okay, I'm really tired."
We all need to stop and chill without the help of benadryl.
But we need the drugs to feel normal.
A normal that they tell us to be
on the covers of our magazine
When we are all medicated to achieve the status quo
We can't learn from our mistakes if we can't remember them.
Instead of dealing with the guilt,
we soak in a bath as if the lavender suds will rinse away our ****** personality
We do it nightly and call it self care.
And the self care we really need is lunch that isn't Oreos and to join therapy.
We fill the empty hole inside of us with cigarettes and ***** and food
And we don't even know we're empty because our parents are empty too
And the only ones who can recognize the absense
Are the same ones telling us to work harder to buy our first house and car before the age of 25
When really, we haven't even settled on what we want to be when we grow up
Our grandparents and parents beg us to have babies because "I'm not getting any younger."
But I'm quickly getting older Dad, so shut up and let me drink until I pass out without worrying about how much my child will have to heal from, just like I'm healing now with Bacardi 151.
Its a cycle and there's no handle bars
Celebrities writing songs and movies, a fill-in-the-blank series that mimics a horoscope
To drag in the masses with feelings of unity when really we have no idea what our brother went through when we were laying on our uncle's bed at midnight at 5 years old.
They want us to be the same except for when its not convenient, and suddenly the children of rich people are to be scorned but they hate the black people who hate the black rich people
And its another cycle, the chain popped off and the brakes are our feet
Just like when we were kids except now we have no shoes on and we are rolling down a hill that stops at a lake
And our empty parents forgot to teach us how to swim.
Its 2019 now, when will America be great in the first place?