And i can’t feel the cracks in the walls I’m not sure anymore “These times are the worst times” And what comes after
What if i don’t want to know Why do babies die When they’ve never done anything The most innocent This earth will ever feel Is when it’s reclaiming The porcelain faces With eyes closed
Maybe it’s because The longer we spend waiting Like opening windows When it’s supposed to rain “It gets worse before it gets better”
But there is no contest It’s just comparison Plath wrote a novel About how hard it is to die Your body doesn’t want to
But your soul can’t sleep anymore You are tired From bouncing off the padded walls Inside your skull So much it feels like Your own thoughts have bruises Concussions within concussions It hurts to think The engine doesn’t start
And every day i try to sleep Except I’m still awake Because it doesn’t matter anymore
We spend our time Waiting out the storm (Even when it’s in the windows) Waiting for the sunshine But all it means is The storm will ruin everything
And no amount of sunlight No kisses No daisies Will ever make the floorboards dry up Will fix the ruined wallpaper No open windows Will air out this house
Everything settles Like dust on the mantel The floorboards pop Like the elbows of tree branches Bucking together, Shivering in winter The house is restless But too old to move Too tired Too heavy
And so am i. There’s still something in it Us We And still so empty at the same time.
If the room is vacant Is it still a room Or is it a tomb That’s been desecrated Put it back the way it was meant to be, Full inhabitants The dead haunting both places.
Because i am fearless To be honest When you don’t feel I am plastic and Tattered rugs in the hallway I am Cigarette smoke stains Nicotine yellow and Placid green rotting from the inside out Like a cavity You’ve always been too poor to fix Yet... not an ache like that Too easy to ignore And when it’s past the point It falls out, and life goes on
I am a wildfire Burning everything alive And too big to put out Everyone can see it Everyone’s afraid The very smoke from my own destruction Is killing the skies Suffocating on top of the heat Like a hurricane, hotter A god of fifty thousand degrees
And yet... they see it coming All they can do is Hope i burn myself out And don’t take their lives too
And there’s nothing No open windows No kisses No daisies
dewalt yellow construction stereo marysville lumber coffee mug plastic blue butter knife fire red solo cup black metallic lantern smoke and ash trees towering above red case containing coffee grounds a blanket of sunlight
journal excerpt from 2018; i wrote a list of things around me that caught my eye
Look at me and glance into my eyes. Feel the power from the windows of my soul. Glare into the beaming light of my mind. Relax BUT WAIT I want full control. The conversation begins my attraction the stimulation of total interaction. Lay it on me nice and slow let the words soothe you with the warmest touch and let your mind flow. So now I begin to think because HELL its only my thoughts right or is it the emotion deep within my thoughts that DRIVE YOU CRAZY. Welcome to my mind a mind of intellect, a mind of deep passion, a mind of growth, but more a mind of mental action. I wanna lick you from your head to your toes. I wanna show your body what I’ve been craving for. I wanna lick those ***** lips like I never ate your ***** in my face before. I wanna glide my tongue across that **** until you begin to *** all in my mouth while I’m ******* on that your pleasure point. I want to gently caress your back with the slightest touch of my tongue. Kissing you from your neck to your private places while your back begins to arch with the pressure of my manhood inserting your throbbing treasure chest. I wanna change of the pattern of your breathing. Gently stroking while our bodies and minds connect in the most desirable physical form. Making love like the sun meeting the horizon. Ever flowing like the rivers and streams as I hit that spot that makes you yearn for more. CREAM! More power with a deeper attitude. Fire and desire, love making until the night is day baby I want to give you something that’s gone change ya entire life. Pleasure and pain I can just hear it now but wait, can’t forget about that gentle kiss that makes it even better. Words unspoken but through physical form let it be felt. I love you with passion ever so smoothly and intimately. Like that mental touch that glides down your spine to the gentle kiss from your lips to mine. Baby I wanna make love to you til the sun come up but now SNAP! ......... Dam it’s only just my thoughts.
Now what did you say?
So picture you are talking to someone face to face. Picture this person as the one that you are most attracted to but you know you can’t have. Now you both are in a conversation but you hear your voice inside your head louder then the words that they are speaking.
You get me tight when I know I can’t have you. No I’m not talking about ****** healing, but the intimate things like hold you on a daily, kiss you like it’s my last, caress and soothe ya mind while watching a movie, laugh at stupid jokes and clown on each other for being goofy. You mean so much to me and I’m not ashamed to express it. Whether it’s in the public eye or in our private time, just the thought of your face puts a smile upon mine. Just to know that you are happy brings joy to my heart. If love conquers all then pain should be of the past and ultimately mend the broken from the start. Days past and nights slowly drift away but one thing is that I’m forever appreciative of that day when we first intervened in each other’s space. You’re like the missing piece to my puzzle that I’ve been waiting to find. A tender heart, a sweet soul and a gentle mind. The love I possess is real, authenticity at its best I just want you to feel. Feel the way my heart beats to the soothing rhythm of life, not the wounds of the forbidden knife. Day by day your love captures me more and more, for Gods mercy we can and shall endure. Endure the hurt, endure the pain, endure the lonely nights crying of each other’s name. For the pressure to love will never be too hard because through Gods grace, we can now lay off the guard. The guard that wants to hold us back and hinder our growth, never to reveal the season of our outgrowth. So point in fact is that I cherish you and I promise to love. Love with not a broken heart but a mended mind because if love conquers all then I’ve been loving you from the very start.
I hate you 2018, goodbye In the past 12 months You've taken everything from me while all I could do was scream ..why? Why did u take everyone I loved Why was I was left with my depression I tried to reach out but was told that my feelings didnt matter and away ,they were shoved
I realized I'm not living for myself I am my mothers puppet that has to be perfect and be kept safe in a cell ... (that what i call my room now) when I look at my bed all I see is the pain,the sleepless nights when all I wanted was an escape from the thoughts in my head I look at my ceiling and walls I would stare at them while i sobbing as I curled my body into a ball
I'm going to have a better year because if its as bad as 2018 i don't know if I will still be here