Back and forth.
Back and forth.

Every step forward
means two backward.

Some people get stuck in a cycle
going 'round and 'round;
living a dangerous life style -
it's all they've been around.

The vicious cycle is real for me
and even though I am aware of it
that doesn't make the fighting easy,
it truly feels like it's not fair. Is it?

Why, in those crucial moments,
does my conscience step aside?
Watching as I make no sense
in the choices that I decide.

The cycle truly does control me
no matter how hard I fight back
the addiction takes hold of me
coming on like a panic attack.

One day I feel tough as nails
high hopes on meeting my goal
then negativity tells its tales
defeating my determined soul.

Constant reminders and triggers
and people who forget to try.
Honestly, I feel that it figures
inside we all just want to fly.

Like an elastic, I go back and forth,
one day there's hope, the next defeat
I may never know my true worth
unless the cycle, I can beat.

Two steps forward
no steps backward.

Move forward.
Move forward.

Back and forth.
Back and forth.

Every step forward
means two backward.

Some people get stuck in a cycle
going 'round and 'round;
living a dangerous life style -
it's all they've been around.

The vicious cycle is real for me
and even though I am aware of it
that doesn't make the fighting easy,
it truly feels like it's not fair. Is it?

Why, in those crucial moments,
does my conscience step aside?
Watching as I make no sense
in the choices that I decide.

The cycle truly does control me
no matter how hard I fight back
the addiction takes hold of me
coming on like a panic attack.

One day I feel tough as nails
high hopes on meeting my goal
then negativity tells its tales
defeating my determined soul.

Constant reminders and triggers
and people who forget to try.
Honestly, I feel that it figures
inside we all just want to fly.

Like an elastic, I go back and forth,
one day there's hope, the next defeat
I may never know my true worth
unless the cycle, I can beat.

Two steps forward
no steps backward.

Move forward.
Move forward.

Not even close to who I thought I'd be,
feels like everyone is looking at me,
expecting more than what comes easily;
I can't give them what they want to see.

Relief does not come to me, it seems so,
that through motions of grief I must go.
Feeling pain so deep, feeling so low,
when it will stop, I do not know.

I feel changed down in my very core;
everything is feeling ever so sore.
I gave up on trying to keep score,
nothing seems to matter anymore.

All the things I used to want are gone
it used to matter, but now, so long.
Things do change and I was wrong
it seems after all, I'm not very strong.

It turns out that I am no longer the same
turning the tables on life's silly game.
I can't even say my mother's name
and there's no one in this world to blame.

Grief changes things, especially time,
as moments go slow or quick as a dime.
Wishing, thinking everything is fine
but really I'm drowning myself in wine.

I remember clearly the bright blue sky
as we played games of "Mother May I?"
And I always managed to forget to ask;
I was too excited to complete the task!

I remember clearly your smile and laugh
as we made our way through the path
to pick blueberries to turn into a treat
something sweet that we all liked to eat.

I remember clearly your warm embrace
on days I felt like life was a lot to take
you always listened with endless patience
to any ramble or rant of silly frustration

I remember clearly the proudest mother
three lovely kids, one after another.
I know I am strong, because you were, too.
I'll remember forever because I love you.

All my life I've tried to provide for others
I've kept trying to put people back together;
I ride the tide of their most stormy weather,
but I have yet to actually make anyone better.

I failed because I never knew where to begin.
I learned over time we must heal ourselves within
before helping broken people as a mission
but even that simple beginning, I can't win.

Shattered into pieces, I know not how many years,
only that I cannot remember a time without tears.
The struggle is more than real, it's all my fears
and there's total misunderstanding amongst peers.

All I ever wanted was to make another whole,
to reach out to someone and fix their broken soul.
It was foolish of me to try and it has taken a toll
leaving me empty, miserable and with no goal.

I don't think I can ever mend myself right,
I keep trying, but I never win the fight.
Every now and then I think I see the light
only to watch it dissipate into the night.

I stay awake thinking deeply about our world
and how I am merely but one broken girl
searching through waste, looking for a pearl
but whisked away in defeat as it whirls.

If I can't save myself, or anyone at all,
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to stand tall.
I will weep until the day I crumble and fall,
knowing I couldn't change a thing, nothing at all.

Shocked and appalled to discover the truth -
an adult man who’s always looking at youth;
admiring pictures of girls who are too young,
I feel like this man should be shot at or hung.

We all have preferences and to each their own,
but the law states a person must be full-grown
before you start creeping pics on your phone
otherwise it’s in jail your *** will be thrown.

These girls seem to have zero self-respect
or don’t think about gross men getting *****
at images of their various juvenile parts,
either way, these young girls have no smarts.

I’m sad to say, I thought I knew this man well,
only to discover that he is sickening as Hell.
I’m glad to say, though, that at least I’m aware,
because I’ll do all I can to stop it; I swear.

Uncertainty;
A nagging feeling in the pit of your belly
eating away at any remaining sanity
as you question everything constantly.

It is sweaty palms and legs that are shaky
short breaths from a chest closed tightly
as you live calamity after calamity.

It is fear of the unknown possibilities
that plague each day with negativity
as it eternally resides in me entirely;
uncertainty.

There are days my eyes open to a world of possibility
and days where my eyes remain shut to responsibility.

There are days where I'm confident in my infallibility,
but then come the days where I am filled with inability.

Some days I feel like I am the epitome of viability
only to experience a different day full of volatility.

Constantly, there are days that fill me with tranquility,
until the next day comes that's filled with hostility.

For certain, though, life is not know for its amenability,
but rather, life is known for all its desirability.

We’re all looking at the world through our own windows
getting personal prospective on the way the world goes.
See the obstacles that are meant to keep us on our toes,
some people react but most just watch, like TV shows.
We all have a choice when it comes to ending world woes
and sadly, too many people sit oblivious as trouble grows;
ignorant, in bliss, while the ever-growing **** storm blows.
People getting high while world tragedy reaches new lows
because being naïve cowards was the life they chose;
they’d rather shoot up and sleep on piles of ***** clothes
than step up and take action against all the world’s foes.
I’ve decided that it’s my time, and to start I must propose
that we come together, step out from hiding in shadows
and work diligently at determining what we must expose
and work endlessly to change the fact that people dispose
information on world issues that happen under our nose.
I'm going to react to my prospective to see how it goes
because I am **** tired of watching chaos from my windows.

You choose to ignore my invisible illness
or maybe you believe it doesn't control me,
But either way I'm betting ignorance is bliss,
because you choose not to understand me.

All I want are all the little things that matter,
like a surprise visit, a concerned call,
or an honest compliment that flatters,
because these things I value over all.

I do not want jewelry or material things,
as they do not ignite flames in my heart.
I am not a trophy wife looking for being,
but a compassionate being that wants spark.

I have expressed appreciate for so much
despite the sadness that is a part of me,
especially whenever I'm granted your touch,
because that's the kind of caring that has validity.

If you truly love the woman you're with,
I hope you decide to really understand
that all I need from you is a random kiss
and to feel the warmth of your hand.

Money, and all it can buy, is *******.
The important things are late night walks,
a calming voice when I'm having an anxiety fit,
and interesting deep conversation talks.

If you are hoping you could buy me off,
you are horrible mistaken, my dear.
So please, if you find me "too soft",
Then I'll ask that you steer clear

Hold on! Let me try to explain...these feelings, the mash of feelings brewing and disturbing my soul...
I can see it in my mind, as if I have been backed into a corner with no escape. No escape makes me feel panicked; claustrophobic. When you feel trapped with no way out, you start to fight. So now I am saying whatever it is I think I need to say to talk myself out of this corner. Begging, lying, and then fighting words. I will bring you down so that I may jump over your back and run, run so far. Instincts are beginning to overrun my mind, like a lack of oxygen causes difficulty to think, I'm nearly 100% fight or flight, with one option removed. I don't want to run from you, from us...I don't want to fight, either, but I fear that should I try to remain visually indifferent, that will result and far more chaos then I will cause when I stop biting my tongue from within my corner.

I tell you I need space. It fell from my mouth without me having thought it. That lack of oxygen as a fresh panic attack rolls in stops me from keeping calm and collected. Now voices are raised and arms are flailing in an attempt to visually explain how distressed we each are, we look like crazy italians. The battle is short before you decide to let me have my space, if that is so what I wish. And so you are gone. However, my feelings remain the exact same. There is no calm, no peace, or anything short of a need to run, or fight. I still feel backed into a corner.

I sat for quite some time reflecting on that, only to realize that I myself have backed me into a corner and made myself feel all these things, and tried to blame the one person who could save me from myself.

Doubt* is a slippery ****.
She starts between your legs;
she's that feeling in your gut.

She's whispered thoughts of negativity,
that run rampant in your mind
and cease your productivity.

Doubt will make your hands sweat
and your body shake with worry,
and she does not let you forget.

The gypsy ****** will cause your heart to race,
and chew away your confidence;
she completely invades your space.

I have tried to rid myself of doubt,
but again, she is a slippery ****,
and always comes back about.

If only I could remove her wicked curse,
and live without such anxiety,
but in reality, she only makes it worse.

Honestly,
I think we're all monsters
and we all have an excuse why
and whatever it may be
it's not a real excuse.
It's easy to get by
with a sense of validation,
as long as you feel justified
in your own mind.
I know we can't let what others think shape us,
but is it so horrible to once blame ourselves?
We all have choices to make,
and no one is truly obligated...
Honestly,
I can only blame me
for the choice to walk this path.
All the eyes on me, scrutinizing me,
it makes me want to feel shame,
but regardless of what they see
I need to do good by me.
I don't want to lay any blame
where it is not called for,
because we're all monsters wanting change
and we all have a reason to stall for.
I'm going to look in the mirror,
and tell you who is to blame,
honestly.

I keep trying to run,
but there is nowhere to hide
from all of my problems
that I keep inside.
Honestly, I think
we're all just waiting to die.
We try to seize the moment,
but then its "good bye",
and forced to face reality,
you see an ugly side.
There is no one that knows me,
that can say I hadn't tried;
everyone's watched me grow,
and seen me as I died.
There's still nothing I want to say
after all the tears I've cried,
my words received no water
and to the world they simply dried.
With no direction,
I only stumble with no guide,
a wimpering soul,
just trying to get by.
My mind my biggest bully,
a truth I should confide...
as it rips on me each day,
I wish to run and hide.
I can't stand to seize the moment;
I must go out with the tide
even though I ran away
they can't say I hadn't tried.

You want to live in your own world,
want to hide your problems from your girl,
and living in fear that the truth will unfurl,
causing your anxiety to swell and swirl.

Well, let me tell you of your mistake,
thinking she can't tell when you fake
hoping she won't figure out what's at stake,
and all because you want her to have a break.

However sweet the gesture, she knows;
It's evident the moment your smile goes,
she feels your negative energy as it flows,
and she notices when you no longer glow.

Despite your efforts, you see her sad,
and at yourself, you become mad,
because you hoped that you had
kept from her, all things that are bad.

What you fail to realize
is that when you look into her eyes,
her feelings are yours; empathized,
and you shouldn't be so surprised.

What good does it do to try to hide?
Clearly she knows what you keep inside,
but now you got her wondering why
in her, you cannot confide.

What a blow to the heart that would be,
even though you only want her to be happy...

it feels awful knowing my baby
doesn't want to communicate with me...

Unlike E.T, I don't need a phone
I am already home;
I am in my comfort zone.
Babe, you'll never be alone
and I will make it known
by writing it in stone
and in our souls, its sewn.
For, you are where my heart is,
full of joy and bliss;
nothing can beat this
or the taste of your sweet kiss.
Before, there was nothingness,
and now I have a purpose,
and this, is, bliss.

Patience is a virtue,
one I attribute to you
because baby, its true,
that everything you do
shows your value
and you always come through.

Got me screaming
Wahoooo!

No I am not dreaming
Wahoooo!

Chocolate is my favourite meal
so I got myself a good deal,
I got chocolate I can feel
come to life, its unreal,
there's no wrapper to peel.
So delicious it makes me squeel,
cmon baby take the wheel,
It's my heart you always heal
with your beautiful dark skin,
warm hands, and body thin,
the greatest being your soul within.
Away from you, I am aching,
with you, I always win.

I haven't found the words to say,
what I try to tell you every day;
that I love you, in every way,
so much now that it is cray.
Promise me you'll always stay.

Got me screaming
Wahoooo!

No I am not dreaming
Wahoooo!

No one's ever loved me like you do,
so honestly, through and through,
a love that's pure, strong, and true.
I could never properly thank you,
but I can promise to never leave you
'cause I can see just how big we grew,
and its beautiful, like a sunset's hue.
I won't stop thanking my lucky star
for our incredibly journey, so far,
and for how amazing you really are.

Let's make the world green with envy,
make them wish that they could be,
even just half as awesome as you and me.
If they get mad, let them be,
because **** their jealousy.
Let's rub it in, my baby;
I love you and you love me,
and that's what it means to be happy.

Got me screaming
Wahoooo!

No I am not dreaming
Wahoooo!

This is ******' awesome.

When I was a child,
I only slept once in awhile.
I would always be too scared
that the monsters would be there.
Now I lay awake at night in bed,
but the scary monsters don't live in the closet anymore,
they live inside my head instead
and they're not just folklore.
All the monsters became voices
that fill and overspill in my mind
telling me I made the wrong choices,
and then sleep, I rarely find.

The shadows don't make me scream,
they don't have faces like they used to.
It's different now, even when I dream,
I'm not afraid of the things I used to,
so instead of boogeyman and sandman,
I have nightmares about being alone,
about death, about memories that can
start the tears, and turn me to stone.

Paralyzed in fear still; much the same,
but there is no mommy to run to when you're 25,
and these monsters play a stronger game,
because 24/7, they are alive
and they know me, inside out,
leeching onto every insecurity,
keeping me awake with voices about
how I'll never be free from me.

It's so much more terrifying now.

Oh, what is the point of reason,
if reason cannot be found?
The mind whirls and twirls,
as you cascade, with tears, to the ground.

Reason and purpose is what you seek,
hope is what holds you by a thread.
Love has you hurt and feeling weak,
as one deep cut that starts to spread.

Your heart is torn by lovely Her,
and faith drips from your closed eyes.
What has She done to ruin you?
How could she break your hopes, and why?

The gold around Her finger
must have turned her mind around,
for she whispered of the end,
and left without a sound.

Now since she took all you had,
your mind kills, and spills, and overflows.
Reason to live, seeps out your veins,
and follows She, as she goes.

The streetlights come through your window,
And I adore the blue light shading,
For it gives your face an angelic glow,
And that alone reminds me of our love, never fading.
Your arms around my waist, so tightly,
With your tender lips caressing my own,
I feel the sweet breath you breathe,
And I wish this moment engraved in stone.
The rain falls down hard outside,
But I hear not its cascading noise,
I'm so locked and deep into your eyes,
And kept amazed by your lovely poise.
You whisper that you love me so,
But that, my love, I already know.

I cried today, are you going to call me emo?
What if I told you the stars weren't shining tonight?
This scene is darker than I've ever seen it before, you know.
I don't know what's going on, and why there's no fight.

Put your dukes up, I can fight you all night long,
I might pass out during the day, but it won't be for long.
You don't scare me anymore.
I've lived with you for what seems forever.
You don't hurt me anymore.
You're nothing I can't handle.

I watched the black fade to blue, to yellow, pink and red.
I'm magic, man, yeah, I'm magic.
Instead of sitting here at three AM, you'd think I'd be in bed,
but this brain functions differently; it's such a *****.

I saw a bubble of burning gas ignite before me.
And I watched it glide across the galaxy,
until it burnt out for 12 more hours,
and ignited again west of my face.
I wasn't afraid. I was never scared.
I've seen this setting in this exact place.
I was never afraid. I wasn't scared.
Too many times I've seen that gas be blared.

I cried for an hour straight after the gas died.
This is another endless fight.
I think I asked for it, even though I tried,
to admit I am afraid, I don't understand this night.
It turns to day, it goes on and on for me,
I watch stars cross the galaxy, and clouds cover them up.

Precipitation clouds my way sometimes,
and leaves me stuck inside to write some rhymes.

Man, I'm magic.
While you're in a land of fluffy white, clean socks, and happiness,
I'm quite content here listening to the rain.
Yeah, it can be tough, living with this brain.
Yeah, sometimes I get lost in the pain.
Get lost in the burning in my eyes.
Get lost in the burning of the sun.
The stars
guide
my way
each night.
But not to bed.

I am an insomniac, if you didn't already get that.
and right now, the sun's about to come back.

I felt the last breath of air slip through my lips
as I held it there, heart racing, as I took the risk
of leaving a note to tell you my feelings for you;
leaving myself exposed and feeling see-through.

Unsure of how you would react to my infatuation,
afraid that my brutal honesty would receive rejection,
I waited patiently to see what you would say
and was not disappointed that very next day.

You greeted my curiousity with some of your own,
and from that moment, our interest had grown.
Hidden notes and messages led to hide-away kisses,
and since then I've longed to be your "Mrs.".

Every day I'm grateful for your sweet words,
you've got me flying higher than the birds.
Every day, I learn more about who you are,
and I wonder how, without you, I made it this far.

Every part of me that felt empty, feels complete.
A gentleman in public, and a freak in the sheets.
Your energy speaks and vibes with me, every way;
I cannot wait to wake up to your face every day.

I've never felt as beautiful as I do now, having you,
and knowing that we will be together, too,
gives me the strength to fight any challenge given to me,
and I knew since the beginning we were meant to be.

Anger is boiling, like a *** of water on the stove, and I can feel my veins get warm as you draw near. The web of lies you wove, trapped me in a world of pain and hatred, and caused me to lose that which I had always held dear.

I like to forgive, and I always try to forget, but you would be the first that I can never forgive. If I could cut you out of this world, like euthanizing a rabit dog at the vet, I would do it in a heartbeat, because you do not deserve to live.

Life is already ****** up without having someone to tear your confidence away, stripping you of any personality you spent your days creating. I can't believe I fell for your innocent, ******* ******* facade, and all the things you once did say. I let you in my life as a victim, and then I became the victim of us dating.

Whoever falls into your web next, I hope she has the brains to get out quick. I hope whoever else has the unfortune of meeting you realizes you're not really "sick", that these are words that hide the true meaning, that you are batshit ******* crazy and willing to beat the **** out of any person that looks at you wrong.  Man, I put up with that for too long.

I may have spent the last year building back everything that you took from me; but it may never be enough. I still go through every day with symptoms of PTSD; flinching when someone moves too fast, night terrors in the middle of the night, hyperventilating when I think I see you walk past, and anger that has stopped me from ever being "alright".

Maybe only time will really heal these wounds and turn off this oven of hatred. Or maybe I will live with this anger for the rest of my life, wishing I had done something to make this pain faded...

Soon I will be alone.
In my own little cave
I can hide and be regrown;
my own soul I will save.
I will seclude myself from all;
from disappointment, pain, hate
and live behind my wall,
until I've learned to appreciate.
All I want is to be happy,
but, it seems the world is all sad,
I can't help but breathe empathy,
so I am prevented from being glad.
To add to that, I am toxic,
and all I touch turns to dust
until I learn to focus,
I will continue to lose trust.
I must learn to deal with this,
then attempt the world anew.
I need to learn to channel bliss,
then I can rejoin all of you.

I'm disgusted by the rapists that are my blood,
the thieves of smiles and of happiness,
and on my family name they leave mud,
taking away any remnants of innocence.
How could you abuse your own genetics?
Yes you created her, but you do not own her.
You cannot trick her for your own sick benefit.
If you don't want to help her just to help her,
then you should not be there at all;
you should not be forcing yourself sexually
to torture her mind and make her fall
into a dark place she can't exit, really.
My instinct is to protect and create justice,
but I am forced to keep silent this family shame,
just lend an ear, so, he'll never get busted;
I am so angry that I feel like I'm aflame.
A sticky situation, one that makes me sick
and makes me want to scream and kick.
I hope it gets sorted soon, or there will be a war,
because she is more than worth starting it for.

Well, unfortunately, I am completely comprised of empathy
and my heart is so broken seeing yours break because of me.
It's a vice grip just inside my rib cage ******* with my heart,
in some moments, it stops and I think it won't start.
All I want is to make everybody happy,
but that's not going to work if you want me;
and if that is all that drives your soul,
you will be let down and it will take a toll
on your ability to face the day and conquer it with a smile.
I know that you've done everything; gone beyond the extra mile.
I know there are so many good things that it's almost hard to say no,
and then sometimes, goodbye hugs are almost impossible to let go.
However, I've thought hard about this, since knowing you,
and I know that I would not be happy, and that is sadly true.
I can honestly feel how much that truth hurts,
it hurts more than I can describe with any words.
I feel guilty; I always wish you to have anything you seek,
and I'm a sucker to please people; it's what makes me weak,
but if all you want is my unconditional love for you,
that is not something I can give, not something I can do.
I can't be in a relationship if my gut tells me not to,
and I get a negative instinct when I think of us two.
I know you want to take care of me and just love me,
but I feel so wrong taking and not giving back freely.
I know you know how I feel and I wish you'd see I can't change,
I just want to stop hurting you, and stop our chest pangs.

I am sorry for the friend zone, but I can't cross these lines,
there will be another who will save you, everything will be fine.

They say to fake it 'til you make it
and I'm just wonder when...
I don't think that I can take it,
despite the release of my pen.

I try to shrug off the pressures,
the stress, and the constant insanity;
I try to see life as a treasure,
but it constantly is taunting me.

I want to be the person who smiles
no matter the trouble that's tossed my way,
but all these problems make a mile
and I am too tired by the end of the day.

Barely holding my head above water,
it seems ridiculous to keep swimming.
Yet, when I think about my father,
I've got to fight, regardless of winning.

My smile may grow weary
and my feet may drag after time,
waiting to "make it", you see.
And hopefully, I don't lose my mind.

I think I was simply convinced
that I was confined to a cage.
But since my mind's been rinsed,
I realize I was just prisoner to rage.
Assuming the role of victim,
like an everyday outfit;
I sure know how to pick 'em,
controlling and says a lot of *******.
I let myself fall into this routine
because it was familiar, in a way,
to be a caged animal with no esteem
and have no personality to convey.
Self-discovery of lessons learned
prove that it happens for a reason,
that for every wound from being burned,
where someone dear commited treason,
there will be new light for life.
There will be a reward for each pain
should one fight through strife,
because every loss has a gain.
Learn from the pain and the loss;
don't be a victim and don't hide,
realize it's your life; you're the boss
and don't keep everything inside.
This "cage" is a figment of imagination,
a huge constriction on the soul;
stuck in a stand-still gravitation,
******* happiness like a black hole.
Stepping outside the confines...
it's freedom to stop being angry,
to smile even during the bad times.
And then, there is no cage for me.

I don't want to be bitter
with walls as hard as steel.
I want to be the free spirit
that I truly am for real.

I like to love with all I have
and worry not of potential pain
so all those who have no love
have a chance to feel it again.

Kindness takes no effort,
and it comes from me with ease.
I can't allow myself to shut out,
all the people with these needs.

I could never turn my back
on all the broken hearts,
on all the lonely souls
who've had little from the start.

I'm not a person to be spiteful,
to feel vengeful or stay angry.
I like to forgive and forget,
and I like to make people happy.

I tried to build a wall,
but I could never let it stay,
as my heart is an open door
so I can give happiness away.

It's too painful to stay angry,
I'd rather smile all the time,
so to let go, it's necessary,
to embrace this happiness of mine.I don't want to be bitter
with walls as hard as steel.
I want to be the free spirit
that I truly am for real.

I like to love with all I have
and worry not of potential pain
so all those who have no love
have a chance to feel it again.

Kindness takes no effort,
and it comes from me with ease.
I can't allow myself to shut out,
all the people with these needs.

I could never turn my back
on all the broken hearts,
on all the lonely souls
who've had little from the start.

I'm not a person to be spiteful,
to feel vengeful or stay angry.
I like to forgive and forget,
and I like to make people happy.

I tried to build a wall,
but I could never let it stay,
as my heart is an open door
so I can give happiness away.

It's too painful to stay angry,
I'd rather smile all the time,
so to let go, it's necessary,
to embrace this happiness of mine.

I remember crying while looking at you,
begging you to not forget me.
Now look who has forgotten who;
you are barely even a memory.

I can't remember what was great,
I feel like, maybe nothing was.
I remember thinking it was fate,
now I know I was just grasping straws.

All the love I that wanted to receive,
I shouldn't have looked for in you.
Thinking I needed you was naive,
when to myself, I should've been true.

At first, I simply felt distraught,
but then I began to realize
we were never what I thought
and it's better off that we died.

Although, I do recall your insolence;
the only way I remember your voice,
"You are ******* ridiculous"
easily helped me make a choice.

It took an epiphany to see,
that you were never good to me.
I've noticed that I'm more happy,
now that you're less than a memory.

we're just savages in suits

My least favorite feeling,
I now feel all the time;
it has me, nightly, kneeling,
God, I need a place that's mine.
Everywhere I go these days,
I feel out of place; I don't belong.
I've tried living multiple ways,
but everything feels so wrong.
I've tried on different hats,
tried being a different person,
but on all these different tracks,
this feeling only worsens.
No one I know puts me at ease;
no one out there understands;
no one out there disagrees
that I must make my own plans.
If I feel so **** out of place,
then it seems to me I must seek out
my own comfortable space
and find exactly what I'm about.
I keep hoping that I'll fit in,
but that's impossible for me;
I'm unique in my own skin
so a unique place, I'll need to be.

I am so angry and sad;
miserable and alone.
If I don't learn how to deal
my heart may turn to stone.
I don't wish to be bitter,
or heartless or cruel,
but this world is so harsh,
so my hatred gains fuel.
No man will ever touch me,
this I choose to be the case.
I am better off with none
that will try to read my face.
I am now so resentful and cold,
finding it hard to hold it in
to the point I've bit through my lip
trying to keep my anger within.
I've got strangers telling me I have attitude,
and my friends don't "recognize me".
I feel like TnT, about to blow,
is anyone going to stop me?
Don't be surprised when the city's in flames,
because the world let me down
a couple times more than I could bear
and my feelings, I couldn't drown.
The walls have holes
and my knuckles are bruised,
but at least, drugs and alcohol,
I haven't abused.
I've been doing fine by myself;
don't need a man to be pleased
since I'm actually more satisfied
when it's just me doing me.
It's all these people who don't care,
about what I want or who I am
that are causing me to feel this way;
causing me to not give a ****.
My fingers are chewed and chipped,
my palms have nail marks ingrained,
my lips are STILL BLEEDING
HOLDING IT IN; I'M TOO DRAINED!!
I don't want to hold it in anymore!
I want to scream with all I've got
and punch every person I see
until my pain can be forgot...
but alas...what does it matter,
I'm too nice to ever make a peep...
I'll tear myself apart by holding back
to save the world from me...

I am sitting calmly and quietly;
Not moving a muscle.
Inside my head, I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
Thrashing, kicking, punching.
I can feel the screams crawl up my throat and tickle my tongue.
I can feel my body tremble with the urge to let loose.
But I do not move a muscle.
Consequences are an ugly truth.
One I have dealt with, time and time again.
Now I let it build up, it eats at me.
Which is worse? I cannot tell...

Whoa! The thunder woke me. It shakes this little house. The lightning seems to come directly to my window and it lights up my room like strobe light. I feel very small, and very scared. It feels weird because there was a time when this weather was rather empowering; now it is the opposite. But...I recall that time to be when I was the happiest with myself. So, things have happened, and I've lost confidence. I am realizing that only I am able to talk myself into who I was. Because I've never been one to stay down long. I've got a schedule of achievements to make. I am determined to rebuild what I have lost.

And just like that... the second round of thunder encourages me and I am laughing with excitement.

I've lost my mind full of words,
as it seems impossible to speak.
For, after all the things I've heard,
my tongue, defeated, is now too weak.
Confliction is a tasteless *****
as she works her magic in my mind;
I've been cursed by that **** witch
so that resolutions, I will not find.
Without any understanding, I am empty,
just left wide open; a black hole.
There are none who can undo what was done to me,
none who can give purpose to my soul.
This is not the first, nor the last time
that I shall be be faced with disappointment.
And now it feels so hollow, this mind of mine,
because without words, I have no enjoyment.

Trapped in Hell,
but I'll make the best of it.
It doesn't suit me well,
but I am forced to rest with it.
At least I'm free of love's constraints
where I was belittled and betrayed
by a ****** ******* posed as a saint;
no longer am I brittle or being played.
I may face negativity and discord,
but now I have myself.
I believe strength is my reward
for taking control of my health.
This may be far from ideal,
but at least I live in truth.
This is the most relieved I could feel,
knowing loving him had no use.
Now I will love me completely,
and be better than everyone around me.
I will grow with grace and beauty
into the most desirable lady,
and you will see me.
You will look at your mistress,
and realized what you missed.
I will be humble, because I am,
I'll be polite, the best I can,
but never again will you have a chance,
to take my heart under your wicked trance.
My surroundings may be Hellish,
but I will use this fire to fuel me,
I will become so catch-worthy
because I will finally love me.

I've gotten to a point where I am mild.
I can control my face while my mind goes wild.
But, just every now and then, it hits me.
Like in the shower, I realize you are not with me,
so you will not be sneaking in to shine that smile...
I realized I was hoping for it for awhile.
These epiphanies bring me to my knees.
Tears leap from my eyes and the air goes from me.
I can't even go an hour without thinking of you,
it is eating me alive hoping to hear from you.
I woke up in the morning and expected your face,
instead there was nothing in your place.
It hit me then, too, like a sack of ******* bricks;
I can't tell if this is part of your mind tricks.
Are you falling further? Will you come back?
Am I supposed to ignore this "temporary" lack?
I'm filling with rage, a little more each day,
I'm afraid I'll snap; spew anger that pushes you away.
When will I receive word from you next?
I want a phone call, Hell, even just a text...
Often enough to suggest you want me at all,
so I can know if you'll hold me, or let me fall...

Now I dream about you.
Pleasant dreams,
such as you cooking supper;
you singing as you clean;
your laugh.
But I wake up to these memories re-lived,
and I want to scream in terror...
I am haunted by your handsome face.
Awake, asleep, it is now all the same.
I can't stop from crying - concious or not.
You've left a hole in me that I fill with sadness.
I won't move on until you force me to.
I wish at least you'd appear as evil,
but you're simply a beautiful soul,
one I will miss and I will be haunted by my loss.

I miss you so badly, the thought of you is like fire to me.
The flames, they tickle and dance through my veins
and the smoke thickens and suffocates my brain.
Much like I am trapped by your memory,
thus the feeling is never-ending and goes repeatedly.
I've tried to extinguish all thought of you,
but I'm not ready to give up, to tell the truth.
Even if I found a way to erase our time,
I would still reject the option to rewind.
Our time was part chaos, but it had so much beauty...
and although it hurts, I want that to stay with me.
I'll breathe this fire and let it consume,
and I'll never stop hoping that I'll see you soon.

I'm trapped.
Trapped like a rat.
And he is the house cat.
We live in New York,
which is to say,
we live in chaos.
We like to dream big,
but we don't follow through.
Afterall, a cat will attack a rat because it's a rat.
The way of our world.
A beautiful hurricane of a vicious cycle.
When it rains,
it pours.
You and I are a perfect example of no pain, no gain
but the gain is really so miniscule that this game,
Mr. Cat,
seems like there is truly no glory in winning.
A rat can try to run from a cat, and very few escape.
If I could evade the cat and leave New York...
I have the time to contemplate...
Could there be a better existence in which I am a) not being chased, attacked, or trapped by a cat, and b) free of the noise and chaos of New York?
I have been in this corner for awhile now.
His patience is everlasting.
He guards the safest escape route.
Cat's are smart.
There is, however, a crack in the wall.
But it would be a tremendous fall.
A chance, perhaps, this rat could scale the brick wall of the apartment building,
down 10 floors to the alley and scurry scurry scurry far far far away.
Wait.
He is...retreating?
Is this a trick?
No, it seems I've bored this tired, old house cat!
This is my chance to leave, lickety-split
out through the hole behind the welcome mat,
that rests against the south wall.
I peak my head out of the crevice -
there seems to be no cat.
I run. Scurry scurry scurry.
Hurry hurry hurry.
Too late. It was a smarter trap.
Retreat! Retreat!
His teeth sink into my hind leg.
I squeak, I thrash. I poke him in the eyes with my sharp nails.
He releases me and I hobble scurry to the crack.
The cat is attacking the wall.
Furious.
Next time, he won't allow me to fight back.
There is no point in staying here, afterall.
I will take my chances on the wall.
Out the hole, brick edge by brick edge I cling and claw my way down.
....
I made it.
...this is a free rat.
There is no cat.
There is still noise, anger, people everywhere;
shouting.
This is not where this rat wants to be, either.
Out of New York.
That's what is desired.
The cat has left me with wounds,
and memories of torture.
I will go, and heal, over many of moons,
and find peace in my future.
Run and run and free free free.
So it wants, so it has done, so it will be.

I want to go outside and stand on the overpass. I want the cold wind to rip into me; seep into my bones and crawl along my veins through my blood stream. I want the chill of winter to soothe the rage burning inside of me. Perhaps I can douse the fire with cold, and replace all the flames with ice. It won't make me any more free, but it will free me from this anger.

I didn't decide to be insecure and weak,
it's just the cards I've been dealt.
I used to know how to stand and speak,
but whenever I did, I'd receive a welt.
Now I'm scared to stand at all;
I'm so afraid to even talk to you,
so buried beneath my comfort wall,
I only have room to let the hate through.
Permanent bruises cover all my skin
from times I fought to have my say.
I quickly learned to live within
and keep to myself, in every way.
People have beat me, ***** me, fought me,
scarred me, changed me, lied to me,
insulted me, trapped me, manipulated me;
so it makes sense this is how I came to be.
So tired of being told I'll be accepted,
loved, desired, cherished, or adored,
when over time, all I am is rejected,
misunderstood, disregarded, and ignored.
I keep telling myself I'm better than this,
but I can't stop history from repeating.
I can tell how ignorance would be bliss,
but it's not easy to ignore the deceiving.
There's nothing to stop me from walking away,
except my lack of ambition to be alone.
I'd rather sit quietly and never convey
these feelings that turn me to stone.
There's no prince in shining armor
that will rescue me from my strife;
there's no man who's a genuine charmer
that's going to try and change my life.
Given the genes of a manic depressive,
and put through the wringer time and time,
it's no wonder my thoughts have grown aggressive;
I wasn't born with the strength to be fine.

I did the same thing I always do;
when I started getting love from you
I hurt you and then I ran away,
afraid of being hurt if I chose to stay.
But hindsight is 20-20,
my regret was strong and plenty.
I came back to embrace that love,
but my mistake, you can't let go of.
So each day, I watch the time drift,
foolishly hoping your mood will shift,
but the weeks keeping passing me by
and still, at night, I lay and cry.
I'm pleading with imaginary deities
asking them to make you forgive me,
asking if they can make you love me,
even a fraction of the way it used to be.
I can't take back the errors I made,
but I'll keep trying to make your pain fade,
until the day you look and see,
the girl you fell for; which once was me.

For us, I always reach for the stars
but all I can touch is dust.
I wanted to land on mars,
but this is a valley of rust.
No matter how hard I try
this love is destined to die.
I never meant to hurt you
but I did, that much is true.
If revenge is a dish served cold,
that explains this frost taking hold.
Trapping me in a place so old,
that I could escape from, so I'm told.
I've never been one to give up easy,
regardless of whether it consumes me.
I said I'd fight for you,
so that's exactly what I'll do.
Until my brain explodes when hope fails,
I will be here, reaching for you,
and when your ship finally sails,
I'll know I did everything I could to love you.

Lost count of the actionless words,
they too, went south like the birds.
You stopped talking the talk
and walking the walk,
and maybe I deserved it for a minute,
but no matter how you try to spin it
I still deserve the compliments you once would declare.
I still deserve to hear that you overwhelmingly care.
The fact that you've faded to me isn't fair.
I'm breaking from feeling jaded and bare.
All I asked was for what we once had,
you told me blank gaze I couldn't have that.
So I've chose to stop feeling mad or sad,
And have embraced the fact you won't go back.
I'll take what I can get, like all the ones before,
I may have thought you different, but I am wrong, once more.
Sold me your angel smile
and then waited awhile
before I would see the reality
of who you would be to me.
I'm through with keeping count;
tired of trying to accumulate any amount
of feelings of adoration
or feelings of correlation.
If ignorance is bliss, I live in euphoria,
since all I've been trying to do is adore ya.
Well, I will take my slice of cake, and enjoy it too,
sadly, with not much incentive given by you.

I pretend I'm made for better things
I've been saying watch me spread my wings
But I will fail and I will fall
You should not have believed in me at all
I like to think I could change the world
But who am I but a frightened girl
Who tries to break from an inner shell
But will probably never escape her hell
So how could I be more than that?
From myself, I want to turn my back;
Give up this attempt of keeping on track
To being successful and never crack,
But I am me and I know me well,
Enough to know I'll never quell
This self-hatred enough to succeed
I don't have the confidence that I need.
What a ridiculous notion I created;
This ludicrous motion of a fight debated!
How could I win the war of life
When all I can focus on is strife?
There's no way I'll become a leader,
I'm born and bred as a bottom-feeder,
I'm not destined for greatness, like I thought,
That was a wishful dream that we all bought.

I want to be a figment of your imagination;
where images of angels spotlessly deceive
a dreamy serpent lady embodying indignation,
and you can't see the difference in between.

I want to be the reality of the situation;
when something happens you can't silence me
and every thought and move has consideration
on the level of difficulty to sit silently.

I want to be the mouse in the corner of the kitchen party;
afraid of bodies, eyes, words, and souls,
I much prefer if nobody is able to catch up to me
since I can't emotionally sail in seas with a ship full of holes.

I want to be a memory you don't regret;
disappointment burns like a thousand candles
'cause I begged myself to be someone you won't detest
but to believe in myself is something I can't handle.

I want to feel free from the memories of failure;
I remember everything that made me get lost at sea,
and it's sink or swim when you're a love sailor
and my lack of proper training proved to be costly.

I want to be the person you think of first;
there is no moment that couldn't be better
without a little serotonin star burst
to ease troubles and keep people together.

I want to feel forgiveness and remorse from you;
the 5 stages of grieving is a healing process
and honestly I don't know if I'm done with step 2,
but I should be on step 3 since I just wrote this.