So paralyzed by my own self hatred
I can't even feel the bugs crawling across my skin
I want them to eat me alive so I become one with the earth,
Because I don't belong here as a person

I heard the train, and I ran.
Desperate to make it to the tracks before it passed.
Is there a way to pass this as an accident?
I'm desperate to die as the positive, loving person people think I am.
And die to make up for the mistakes I've made and people I've hurt.
Here I am, I hear it near.
I'm gripped by fear that someone will figure out it was self inflicted.
It passes and I break.
So ashamed of who I am, with the knowledge that only I can change it.
And I gave up on myself years ago.
Never really gave it 100%
I regret it now, as I carry myself back to the world.
A cloud over my head.
I will smile as people greet me and compliment me.
But I am a tortured devil that one day, won't be scared of being viewed as a coward, and I will run into the train with a heart finally full of happiness.

The demons inside me are screaming,
They want, no, they NEED a feeding.
Every space in my body crying for drugs,
But I keep it silent and take your hugs.
Almost as fulfilling without the chemicals
But when I'm high, I finally feel beautiful.
My head pounds and heart skips beats,
Knowing there's substance only a mere few feet
Just past the love of my life,
If I only dare to admit to him my strife.
Pride and his six deadly brothers talk to me,
Seven voices of sin begging me to give in finally.
I listen to lust and you can **** my screams away,
Just hold me tight and for awhile I am satiated.
I've fought them before but they've come back
Stronger then before and I wanna cut to black.
I'm not sure this time I'll stay on track,
My emotions are louder and they viciously attack;
Allying with the demons to destroy my intention
They're jumping up and down to hold my attention
And it's boiling inside me; need a distraction
Quick! It's eating me alive; it's an infestation!
Always thinking of the next time I can get some,
Fighting myself over this is just troublesome.
It's a 50/50 chance I'll relapse and get lost in it,
And my poor love is accidentally involved in it
Because I'm obssessed with it
Trying to keep silent about it
Don't want him to see me fighting it.
The demons are ugly and you just love me,
you just want me to be happy,
Well so do I, and right now you're the only thing good for me.
I hope you don't ever see me scream or cry,
Not the way I am inside.

I wish I wasn't so upset by a lack of music in my ears,
I feel so alone when no one's there to dry my tears.
I'm wasting time trying to figure out what I feel,
Instead of realizing all the things I have that are real.
I've skipped all the good and jumped to the bad,
I'm a worst-case-scenario thinker that's always sad.
Questioning intentions and arguing compliments
Instead of worshipping myself and my accomplishments.
Tell me why I should have the right to complain,
Besides the fact that I'm burning alive in pain,
A mental pain that exists due to a chemical imbalance
Kind of ironic that a libra would encounter that challenge.
But nevertheless, here I am wanting to scream,
Asking God why I can't have what I dream.
Not sure why I feel so empty when I'm alone,
but when people are near, I turn hard as stone.
I'm a catch 22, a ******* hypocrite, too.
Being a happy person is hard work when you're naturally blue.
Fighting the same battles, years after years,
An internal struggle to justify all these **** tears.
But when the music is gone, it all comes to the surface,
I am an endless cliche of a girl with no purpose.

Every time we get together, I see more of you, and it is an endless beauty.
A being so creative, so intelligent, eccentric and individualistic;
No one can ever be the same as you, so uniquely your own creation of whatever the hell you want.
It looks like freedom and fun, with an anthem of smiles and laughs.
What could ever be wrong with you? Your modesty will make you retort,
But the answer is absolutely nothing.
Every time I'm around you, I see you brighter and clearer.
You're astounding and here's a standing ovation.

We all feel mad that we can't go back, when life gets black, we all feel blue. I KNOW you, which is pretty true and you too, you KNOW me, and what else is chemistry but rather molecules that get along? Is this a rap song? Maybe. All I know is me. which is to say, I don't know me at all. I'm a white wall, in a bathroom stall, in for the long haul, years of markings and tourists signatures, left by ***** and inconsiderate *******, never thought about a future, too concerned of others to live for myself, it's ******* ******* and it's time I jump off the shelf I sat upon because time's up for me, show's on. I went so long ignoring myself, it was wrong. and even though I can take free love, I gotta be strong; I gotta say no, and not because I want to, but because I need to. I made a promise to my heart that I won't start to love another until I pull together some better weather for my own **** self.

Forgive me if I miss my chance, hopefully later I'll be re-offered this dance. but my friend, I need you, until the end. Who knows what love could do? It could put a stake through me and you, or maybe it could be the best thing we ever do. Either way this needs to wait, I need friends and family to support me, and that lost girl that you speak of, that you see, that's me, and I appreciate your kindness and care; I know you're there. She know she's blessed and she's scared to walk away, even temporarily, but you know me, and we both know alone is what I should be, if only temporarily.

I also feel like in time you may find that I'm not the girl that will blow your world, but I probably look a lot like her. She's gonna be nerdier and dirtier (minded) than I, she's gonna be funny and enjoy acid highs, she's gonna wanna travel wherever with you, and she's not gonna be miserable too. I don't know what I'm like just yet, not exactly who I am. Maybe you can't live with her... or maybe you can. I don't even know that I want to, but I have to try to. Maybe it's not in my fate, but I do too hope that all the pain I have within will dissipate so I can learn to have less hate; I don't always want to frown, don't always want to look down. I need to hold my own chin high, not let someone else help me get by. Time's the only thing that tells, so best to check the wishing well in hopes it all works out swell.

So, we accept the love we think we deserve?
Is that why she's in my bed tonight,
crying over some guy who couldn't give her more?
I gotta tell you it's true, but it's not right.

She's a queen, an angel, or at least a saint.
She'll make you smile any time of the day.
When the colors start to fade, she gets the paint,
and she'll make it look good in a different way.

I don't know how she finds the will to smile,
after all the cruelty the world has shown her.
But even on her darkest days, after awhile,
there's a light that just shines through her.

I know she deserves only the best in this world.
How can we prove to her she's better then she thinks?
I've never met someone more deserving then this girl.
When she cries for these guys, my heart sinks.

I've never met someone who could love and care
despite being thrown curve ball after curve ball.
but still, no matter what, she is always there,
to help the ones she loves when they fall.

One day soon, the one who could love her the best
will show up; he'll walk right into her world,
and show her why she deserves better then the rest.
I want this. I want happiness for this girl.


Sarah Gammon ©
7/31/2013

I love my best friend, and I wish the world would treat her better ♥

I'm just a ****** that lost control,
dug myself an even deeper hole.
All these drugs will take their toll,
eating away at the good in my soul.

Darkness calls and it sounds so sweet,
walks on over and takes me off my feet,
he whispers to me and its such a treat.
I don't think addiction will ever leave me.

getting caught up in your web of lies.
its time that i should realize
there's nothing but ******* in your eyes
and i can no longer sympathize.

you greet each day with only half a heart,
silently wishing it didn't start,
hoping each day's the one you depart,
tired of living your life in the dark.

i follow you to try to shed some light
but you close your eyes at the sight,
and call to you, your blanket of night.
you won't let me help with this fight.

give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day,
trying to teach you, but you run away.
you can't help someone who won't stay,
so why am i still here, anyway?

i always told myself i wouldn't be the same person as my mother,
yet here i am, suffering from yet another ******* hang over.
i was proud to avoid all this **** for such a long time,
but now i can't keep my nose away from any offered line.

always finding boys to love me that have access to narcotics,
i say i want to fix them up, but thats just my hypnotics,
a clever ploy to let myself believe i'm doing something right,
when really i just can't seem to let the drugs leave my life.

many men have come to try and sweep me off my feet,
but when the going gets too good, i push 'em to the street.
not ready to let go of all my self-destructive ways,
even though i beg myself to change this every day.

i know sometime, i'll wake up and be ready to be clean;
some day i will find a way to wash myself of this gene,
because i swear, i was better when i was still a teen,
back when i was obvlious to the feeling of being a fiend.

i know i have the strength to help myself at any point,
but i haven't had a day where i could turn down a joint.
i keep reminiscing of the days where i was doing better,
but i'm still the only one whose saying "don't let her".

i'll carry on in the same way that i have been for years,
try to take it day by day until i defeat my addict fears,
i'll escape the boys that keep me with my wicked ways,
and find myself happy when i can reach those sober days.

Along came a spider,
with claws full of fire,
burning alive with a horrid desire.

It was the dead of night,
no safety in sight;
and his hands held me tight.

He bit and he clawed,
he broke all of the laws -
and no one had saw.

His hands burned my skin;
he ripped deep within...
my body used in sin.

The darkness grew worse
as he laid his curse,
and my life did disperse...

because along came a spider,
filled with a deadly desire.


Sarah Gammon ©
16/01/2009

In the night, I was tucked away,
fast asleep at the end of day,
and along came a spider,
so quick and so confided;

He grabbed and he clawed,
in my bed, he broke the laws.
He bit me, he spit at me;
his lips were poisonous on me.

I fought so hard through it;
my beauty sleep gone to ****.
The lights were out, in the dark,
he reached into my heart.

My skin was hot, cold with sweat.
His hands and my life met.
The darkness grew darker,
and so did my life...
because along came a spider.


Sarah Gammon ©
20/09/2008

i'm holding on to holding on,
it's all that i've got left.
there's people here who need me strong,
they need me here, i guess.

time has been stretching on for me
and my patience is running thin.
i feel i've lost the will to be
happy with just about anything.

i'm struggling to keep away
from all the addictions i once had.
i hear them calling every day,
and i want to give in, so bad.

it's only knowing i've been here
about a million times before
that keeps my head clean and clear,
knowing i can survive once more.

i'm aware i'll make it through this,
but i can't say i'm glad that's true.
i'd like to say it's over, i wish,
but i feel stuck here, supporting you.

left alone to fight my demons
while awake and while dreaming.
never ending feelings of sorrow,
never finding a good tomorrow.

holding onto my own hand,
need to walk but cannot stand.
no one there to lift me up,
except myself, but i give up.

angry and upset
at the abuse you save for me,
just because i am your best friend,
doesn't mean i always will be.

you just use me as your back up,
as the person you can call,
the one with all the resources,
to catch you when you fall.

it's not that i had ever minded
being there when you're in need,
but now you're taking all my heart
and leaving me to bleed.

things you know will hurt me
you do without a care,
and expect me to just smile
and tomorrow, still be there?

i know i'll never tell you,
because i don't stand up to you,
but one of these days i won't answer
and you won't know what to do.

why are girls such *******?

if i could leave you behind, trust me i would.
every day i think about it and wish that i could.
but you're just as toxic as the drugs we take,
and when you're not near me, i start to shake.
hopelessly addicted to the man who tears me down,
i want to push you away, but i keep you around.
tormenting myself, believing you could not survive
if i was not around to hold you when you cry
and you tell me things that i want to believe
and i let myself because i hope you won't deceive.
but truth be told, you're a liar and a cheat
and my obsession with you is something i must beat.
you were fine without me all the years before
so i must make myself, somehow, walk out this door.

please stop trying to stop me.