I don't have any backup, support.
And I don't know what the fuck I am to do.
This shit that I'm walking into is terrifying.
I don't have a plan.
I rarely ever do.
But the one thing I do know,
Is that I am restarting.
New people, new actions.
Everything old is being shut down, unplugged.
This is where my life truly starts.
No previous ties.
I am forgiving.
I am forgetting.
I am no longer going to live up to the label "grudge holder."
I am becoming someone different.
More in control.
A solo Queen.
I am a new being.
Look who's back
with a lyrical attack
One to divide all nations
But I'm trapped in a game
Where I can't even make a name
Isn't it a shame
Still looking for someone to blame
What's the reason
that keeps me from making music
Guess it's time I came to claim
What is rightfully mine
I've been down a hard road
A bandit in time
And holding me back
That's is a crime
By the grace of God
I've got to give all I've got
And maybe that isn't a lot
But you think that will stop me
I think not
I had to come back
With brand new tactics
Cuz lets face it
I've let this go on for far too long
And to not do anything
would just be wrong
It's time to build an army
Come back strong
Cuz I've been waiting
For a moment for far too long
Yep guess I got it going on now
Anticipation is starting to build
And I may not have much sex appeal
But that doesn't mean
I can't make you squeal
Say my name,
ain't no more chains
Holding me down
Got my gun reloaded
Back for another round
And maybe you scratched
my name In the side
Of a piece of shrapnel
Try break my pride
Think I give a damn what you think
Shit life's not bliss
Living on the edge of a knife like this
come along for a ride
Inside of my mind
Come through the darkness, blind
That's not enough to keep me
Off of my grind
The stars realigned
For a person with passion
I'm back on the rise
No natural disaster can stop me
No bullet can kill me
No razor blade cuts will scar me
Sometimes things cut deep
But I'm impenetrable
After everything I've been through
Won't burn through the pages
Don't lie, you know I'm dangerous
Not afraid to dance on the tables
Cuz I've been through it all
Ain't nothing gonna phase me no more
©2017 Written By Benji James
Dead and lifeless
Just like a tree
I'm talking about someone
That someone is me.
Without any dreams
For I've let them flee
And now I'm dead and lifeless
Like a cold winter tree
Though trees become green
In summer and spring
Their leaves eventually fall
And winter comes after all.
I wasn't born in the Summer, the Spring or the Fall.
I was born in the winter, lifeless and all
I'm so cold
And so plain
I never grow any blossom
Like the cherry tree down the lane
Tough I'm not perfect
And you may not see me as worth it
I've tried already to be like the rest
I really tried my best.
But I'm not the others, not full and green.
Yet I've decided to be myself, to bare and so clean.
Glimpses of hope bud among the trees and green,
give us much to look forward to.
It is the breeze that blows us in the direction towards life that we seek to continue, and dream about.
Warmth from the sun provides an unrealistic comfort, yet somehow
it is enough.
Spring of course, that subdues our winter blues.
I grew up doing ballet. I was one of the thinnest, most flexible, and dedicated ones at my dance studio. I got solo’s, and usually pretty main parts in the shows. I wore a flat tutu for most parts.
Fast forward, I graduated high school and received a dance/academic scholarship to a university.
Let’s just say that I gained the freshman 15, more like 25 actually. I hated myself. Absolutely hated everything about myself. It spiraled into a dark depression, I had been depressed before..but not like this. I couldn’t get out of it.
The summer before sophomore year (this year) I decided that I didn’t give a shit. I gained more weight and hated myself more. I ended up attempting suicide stuck in the hospital for a week.
Three weeks after I was released from the hospital I came back to the university.
I am on the dance company, fat as ever. Dance is what keeps me going most days.
Today I had to watch two girls on my company, who weren’t formally trained in ballet, get to try on their tutu’s for the show.
I wasn’t picked for the part, because I am too heavy to partner with.
I almost started to cry.
Because that could be me wearing that tutu if I got my fat ass in shape and lost some weight.
So I am losing weight for ballet.
Maybe it’s not healthy, maybe it is stupid. But I will become a better version of myself no matter what it takes.
Just you wait and see.
Can you remember the first time you had ice cream?
As a young child, you were so excited.
Your cute face lit up and your little lungs wanted to scream.
Or when your Father held you high in the skies?
Turned you into a plane.
Not a care in the world to be found in those adorable eyes.
Those times where you held your puppy when you cried.
The first time you were wronged...
How it broke your little heart deep down inside.
Every time I look into those beautiful eyes, that's what I see,
All the pain is silenced,
and I see what life could truly be.
I know I've hurt you before when the thoughts would begin...
But without you, I am truly broken...
For I am nothing more than a Man filled with Sin.
But I did not cast the first stone,
All this time without you,
I've been searching for a way to atone.
I miss you, I'm just a lost boy...
Misguided and hated,
tossed aside by many like an unwanted toy.
And I don't want to lose you,
what else could I live for?
People we care for come in so few...
So here I kneel, down on one knee,
Faithfully yours now and forever,
I'm just a Pawn... Whose fallen for the Queen.
Working during daylight
Studying late night
Away from home
Makes me feel alone
Black circles under my eyes
Doing my best not to cry
There are times I almost gave up
There are times I wished I could go back
But the wind always whispers something
"You've come too far, you're almost there"
A flicker of smile
My hope didn't die
The best things in life are never easy.
From love to happiness to even teaching your goals.
It's a struggle it's a battle
It test the will it finds out how hungry you are.
From school to love to even simple goals
Life is a challenge
Life is a bittersweet candy.
Bitter in the beginning but always a sweet feeling at the end just my
Honest confession from the heart