I could cry
I'm exhausted
anxious
lonely
on edge
lately I feel like I've been walking on a mental tightrope
unbalanced and ready to slip at anytime
I keep telling myself I need more sleep
or it's just this birth control in my arm,
but I've told myself these same things since I was 14 years old
and I've slept since then
I've switched birth control since then,
I've still hurt myself since then

lately I walk in to work alone
I go to break and flop down on the bench and light up a cigarette and if I feel like talking I can
or if I don't I can just sit for ten minutes
I get to be just purely me
fresh start, new people, new opportunities
it's actually refreshing to do this on my own this time
I leave work alone
I rush out to my car like I used to in the old days
turn up the volume on the radio to all my ****** songs
roll the windows down
smoke a cigarette
and sit in silence
I've never been happier

hold my breath and count to five
I do this multiple times a day to keep myself from losing it

There are women inside of me screaming to get out

what makes us so different is the way that we think
how everything we take in, we view as we are
not how "they" might be
seeing into someone's perspective is as impossible
as counting the stars
and just like those billions of tiny, twinkling lights
we all burn out at some point
when no one is paying attention

Why do I pick people with problems, as if I don't have enough already?

I can barely breathe through my own flaws, how am I supposed to love someone through theirs?

Promises are only as honest as the person who made them,
and the truth only hurts for the people that break them

One time I showed up to a bar
took all my layers off and decided to give it a try
I let loose and felt free and drowned my sorrows in dainty drinks and rap music
Feeling like a bomb shell ready to blow
I let the world get under my skin and the beat roll into my veins as I became the girl everyone wants to meet
that everyone wants to talk to
I became the girl of my dreams
swirling in drinks with tiny straws and orange juice
dancing alone but felt like the whole room was with me
time flew by
until I left and became the same old girl who walked into a bar just to give it a try

the last thing anyone wants to hear when their hurting is that
"it will get better with time"
but it's honestly the truth

one day you really will be going about your daily life and that baseball in your gut won't be there anymore

you will find yourself slowly but surely in a different state of mind, so much so that you won't even realize you're not sad anymore
you'll find yourself around those new people everyone said you would meet, and doing all those new things everyone said you would do

the sun is still going to shine and there will be days the sky is bright blue and the best songs come on the radio all in a row

But one day you'll be driving down the road or folding your laundry and it will hit you,
that pain you thought you had forgotten
but this time you'll be stronger, you'll be wiser and you will be better for it

when it comes out of nowhere you will actually feel content for being human but also uplifted because it's over

when I was so sad and heartbroken I used to think "time heals all wounds" was a saying people said who had never felt real sorrow
now I know the ones who say it have lived their life through the hurting and came out feeling just like I do right now

out of bed and into your arms
your fresh eyes, morning hair and scruffy face,
your hands go up my sides and back around my waist as you
pull me close and take me in
no where else on earth feels this much like home,
I've never felt such security in fingertips before
loving you is like breathing
because I can't get enough

I got so used to being with you
knowing you and memorizing your tics and the way you spoke,
I hadn't realized real time apart
would change both of us to the point that looking at you now only feels like speaking with a person I just met

to the man in my life who has loved me through all my heartache,
all the bad days and good days,
who sees me for who I am,
even when I don't even know where I went
I
Love
You
so
deeply
that
I'm
afraid
I
may
drown

I remember the night the moon got huge and then faded to black
I spoke to you in my belly and wished for you to love the sky like I do

they say growing up is a trap,
but what about never growing at all?

I think it may be worse to miss out on all the heartache and pain that comes with being alive because in all that suffering, is where you find yourself

growth hurts,
every limb and vein in your body as if you're being pulled apart,
but from darkness always comes something far more beautiful and then after all of it,
you're still here

rather than stay sheltered and safe and comfortable,
I think I'd rather feel it all

all the risks I've ever taken
or hardships life has thrown at me,
or moments so wonderful they imprinted my soul,
have been more painful and beautiful and just so very worth it
I wouldn't change a thing

old me used to be fragile
easy to bend when the wind blew
and quick to drown in the current
emotional and open
I longed to be a stronger girl
independent and free as a bird

new me has her blinds drawn over the windows
anxious and lonely, tougher skin,
I can stand tall and not break,
never allowing my emotions to show
I long to be a softer girl,
willing to let the light in
willing to learn how to be strong but gentle

I remember sitting on the front porch, curled up in a wicker chair with a pen and a pad of paper
the early June afternoon sun going down over my smalltown, casting a golden glow on the blacktop,
writing a poem about loneliness
and wondering whether everyone else around me
driving by in that car,
walking their dog,
stirring that drink at the bar,
was as lonely as I was

whether their heart also longed for something more
or felt a loss for what they never reached for in the first place
whether they were settling and giving up on their dreams

or had they finally decided to go for it,
That job
That person
That trip
That thing that makes their heart beat faster and gets their blood flowing
That thing that makes them feel free

or was I the only one,
in a world overflowing with people,
could I be the only one who gave it all up,
too afraid to make the change my soul was aching for?

It seems like we just started talking about my move and you coming with me.
Everyday went on just like the last,
only a little better than the day before.
Like I had plenty of time to count the seconds, waste the minutes and spend the hours away with you,
and then one day,
I woke up on a Saturday,
& were 6 days away from starting over together & me being 23,
the morning light casting a golden glow on your green eyes as you tell me "Good Morning" with a kiss

Right now you are packing the things you are bringing to merge our stuff into one place called home
Each day gets a little warmer, the future gets a little closer and the past gets a little bit further away & I'm starting to feel just like the flowers in the spring,
rising from the ground with the help of the sun's rays,
my roots stronger than ever, & ready to bloom into something beautiful

For the first time in my life I realized
Love is not heavy breathing from tears that wouldn't stop falling,
It's not begging someone to stay and then being left only to slam the door

It is not explaining myself in a sentence that goes nowhere
or feeling alone in a room next to the person who is supposed to care

It is not wishing for understanding or the feeling that no one ever will,
The emptiness inside when physical touch is no longer yearned for
or expected

Love is someone who won't go because they want to stay
and sweet hands wiping away salty tears from my cheeks before they even touch my lips
It is ears to listen and a mind to grasp all of me even when I don't understand myself
It is wanting a person for all their worth and loving them for all their flaws
It is soft kisses and giggles and laying in your lap as you stroke my hair

Real love has shown me
all of what I thought was true,
has always been a test,
I know I won't ever have to fall against the closed door ever again wondering how love could hurt so much

Once you realize the army you have behind you
You become stronger then you ever imagined

I think I made you up inside my head,
the way your words are so sweet and you always know how to cheer me up,
how your arms are so warm
and you know how to make all of my favorite foods

your perfect green eyes and brown hair,
are my favorite combination
mixed with your soft, sweet musky smelling beard that brushes against my face when I kiss you,
how your smile melts me and all those little noises you make are so cute
I just adore you in every way
that it's all too perfect,
like I get to live in the greatest daydream every single day beside you

you want me all the time,
my presence in the room is enough to leave you breathless
and every time we wrap into one another
you take my breath away
we're two people who fit together just
drunk on each other's company

even when I'm angry or have no makeup on you always tell me I'm beautiful
not only because of how I look on the outside, but also for the me on the inside

if I had dreamed up a guy he couldn't have been as good as you,
your perfection for me as a lover is undeniable,
as if you were sent to earth to wait
just for me,
born to one day cross paths with a girl with long blonde hair and weird dance moves to all the songs on the radio,
a storm come to blow you away

out of all the people in the world you were made to love all of myself,
it's as if I made you up inside my head

I don't know where else to turn with my feelings
social media is a waste of my time
I've never felt more alone there
I'm happy and sad at the same time
and I didn't know how I was going to feel
But truly I just feel lost
this week has taken it out of me,
the past couple months have to
I would like to act like I'm stronger than this
but I just don't know anymore
how much can one person take?
its just the feelings full of color pouring out of me
and I don't know if my tears are because I'm happy or if I'm sad
or somewhere in between
I'm just a girl calling out to the universe to bring me back
to send me a sign
to show me the way
to just help me make it though even one more day

it happens in almost a daze
in the middle of my day, brought to attention,
a memory,
hits me like a ton of bricks
I will remember how we used to drive through parks and talk
and how I felt like there was such a future there,
on a sunny day with the windows down and a warm breeze in my hair,
but in a flash
another memory of you stomping on my self worth
hurts me all over again,
like when you once told me I was the only person you'd ever known who made you as mad as I did,
or how I cried too much

and I still struggle to live in my life today,
being so used to the past that I'm still realizing my present isn't what it used to be,
my life now dosent deserve to have me
take out my past on what could be my future
Im just a mess of a girl so jumbled around I don't know which way is up or which is way is down

I may be moving but time still stands still,
surreal circumstances almost knock me to my knees,
when one thing reminds me of my past all I want to do is run,

letting go is more about holding onto things so hard you break them instead

I have let myself wander and go
away from the me I always was

a wild thing,
rootless,
unforgettable,
&
resilient,

the world is trying to muffle the sound of my
soul yelling through the fog my heart has created

other's views and negative thoughts
have affected me greatly
every harsh, word or tense way has sent me reeling,
pushing me farther and farther away from finding myself again,
got me off track, pointing me in every direction except the one I need to get back to me

forget myself and I forget it all,
lose the best parts of me and the worst at the same time,
doubt creeps in and I don't wanna try,
because who I am doesn't seem to matter anyway,
no one would even care if I disappeared,
in fact they would be happy I wasn't here

the voice that's left in my soul is exhausted from holding up the weight,
but space and time has created some beautiful things and the Lydia who is left under my skin hopes that the same will be true for me

There's this part of me,
that longs to be alone

other people become weights
that are to heavy for me to carry

some people think I am an idea in their head,
this fantasy woman they made up somehow along the way
and transferred onto me when they met me
like I am a concept for them
to make them happy, to be the thing that they have always needed

when in reality
I am just me
and I get angry and I'm stubborn and impossible sometimes
I'm just a girl who is messed up too,
trying to find her place in this world,
just like you

All of the things that annoyed me about you before
are the little things I now miss the most

everyone acts like because I left you
I should just move on
ignore you,
forget about it
as if it's absurd that I ache

that I am not overflowing with joy
to have my life turned upside down

as if I don't have the right to be sad
because I made the choice to go

but going isn't just closing a door,
it's opening windows to feelings that hold you hostage
break your limbs and squeeze your heart

I get angry at myself
telling my heart "we weren't supposed to hurt like this,
this is what you wanted"

leaving someone is just you spending every day trying to figure out how to live without them

take care of yourself
and know it's ok to have different feelings
reconnect with doing the things you like to do without your spouse
give yourself a break
don't go through this alone
establish new relationships, hang out with your friends and make new ones
don't put yourself in emotionally hard situations
pay attention to how you feel
don't include your kids in the conflict
things will go back to normal, even if it's a new "normal"

for the past few days the same thought has went through my head
what if I just stop living?
meanwhile my heart has kept asking me
but what if we just stopped dieing?

I didnt expect the ache
the consistent, deep emptiness
right in the center of my chest
like a knot ******* and throbbing
into my soul
I didn't expect the real anger and the pain that comes with a broken heart
in trying to get over someone you once thought you'd never have to
I didn't expect three months later to face having to see you with another girl
And I didn't expect that you would love her three weeks later either

the person you are now
is not the one I'm heartbroken over
that man is long gone
and I don't know which hurts worse
being heartbroken over a person who doesn't exist anymore
or missing a man who disappeared because of me

I remember the day we had people over because we had just moved in to the house
I took photographs to document the new memories we were going to make here
one of those memories now hangs in a frame on the wall
and all of us are smiling
and now I look back at that picture and wonder where those people went
who those people were
because they certainly don't look like us
at least the new us

the ones who screamed and shouted so loud the floors shook
and cried so hard their ribs felt they may break
the ones who ripped each other's hearts out with broken promises and painful truths
the ones who don't live together in this house anymore
I have now forgotten what it was even like to be happy with you
I leave that photo on the wall as a constant reminder to never forget the good times
even if it hurts

I dipped my heart in wax
so it would always stay

what a foolish thing to do

I didn't realize
that you would ever choose
to set it on fire
and watch it melt in your hands

I have decided that this is it
no matter how hard it may be
and even if I don't know where to start
I know that once you said the words
"I've been seeing someone since mid December"
my world faded away
the image in my mind was destroyed
and all that was left was
an emptiness so deep
it left my legs feeling broken from the fall
none of this is good for me
hearing you say she is
"the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore"
left burns in my brain in places that once held memories of us
the scars will never fade
and I'll forever think of the girl who makes you feel like I used to

for me
being open about my feelings
has always left me at a loss
it has led me to hide behind a smile
or smoke another cigarette
in hopes of feeling what I want to
not what I actually do
I have cried more tears over not knowing what I needed more than I'd like to admit

I never realized how hard the bad days were until I got what I thought I wanted
being alone
being without you
now that I no longer have you to blame
it's more than obvious that on all the bad days
You were the only thing good about them

I woke up today like I do any other

trying to come out of a dream that confuses my reality when I first wake up
for a couple of seconds when I open my eyes
I can imagine your still here
I can drag my dream into the sunlight
and make believe that this whole thing was just a nightmare

tonight I just want to tell you how I'm lonely
how I'm here worse than I thought I was
so instead I grab a blanket and some cigarettes and fake a smile and force myself to be cool
loneliness is a ****** thing
creeping up when I didn't ask it to
like unpaid bills and shoulder pain
how can I be frustrated and sad when I never asked you to stay?
I just continue to do this to myself
open up my heart, confuse happiness with temporary bliss and stumble into a mirror only to see my aching soul screaming back at me
I wonder sometimes, like I have for years, if this feeling will ever go away
if I will ever be able to truly tell myself,
I'm okay

for 3 days I cried
like a waterfall overflowing
my tears were unstoppable

and it was like every little emotion I had bottled up
attacked every nerve and every cell in my body
my soul was weeping for what I had lost
my heart had just finally allowed itself to break

all those hours I cried over you
over what I had done to you
over how I had hurt you
and how I had lost you forever
all those minutes I spent in agony
feeling like my insides were being ripped in two
I hurt over you
all those seconds I beat myself up trying to find a solution, a choice
I never once made myself an option

3 days later I woke up and realized I had been crying over everyone but the person who deserved it the most
Me
I should have spent those tears on the person who needed them all this time
I was writhing in agony over who to choose and not once did I stop to think,
I am the ******* choice
I do not deserve to be made to split myself open so painfully for others
when I deserve to be planted deep in my own ground and stay rooted in my own soul

I am already everything I've ever needed
it was the pain that made me believe I was not
the fact that I loved others so deeply that led to me believe I wasn't capable of giving that love to myself
it was the hand that plucked me up like a flower
and tried desperately to keep me alive with a vase and some water
when my roots were not meant to be confined in the first place

I can not give you a good reason why some days my heart races into infinity
and other days it chooses to leave me hollow

that would be like asking me to rip open my chest
to expect something wild and free to do anything except what it wants just for you

my soul simply wanders into the direction my arrow chooses to go

I cannot tell you why sometimes my heart allows me to overflow my veins with happiness
while at the same time pumping anxiety into my sternum

I have spent my years searching
desperately trying to figure out an ***** that was never meant to be explained to the owner of it's shell

I have been asked what I am doing with my life
and my answer is always the same
listening to my heart when it's disagreeing with my brain

on the days you feel like quitting
giving up
or shutting down
remember there is more to you than pain and anxiety
you are a roaring wildfire, unstoppable to put out
you are the wild flowers that return every year, beautiful and free
you are the full moon,
in a sky full of stars,
you are even brighter

there is eternal sunshine in your soul if you remember to look for it
all this time you have had in you the strength you have always searched for

I was always afraid of leaving
thinking that I would lose the parts of me willing to love again,

as if I had forgotten my heart was mine, still beating in my chest

to afraid of what I would become if I was alone or without you

like I thought that my brilliance was only because of you or something
and that it wasn't actually more of a reflection of myself back to me

I had forgotten I am my own
I am enough

to love again is inevitable
because I myself, am irrevocably going to be loved

you
make me want to say things
I swore I'd never tell again

how is it possible to be a person on the days that leave you feeling empty?

why doesn't that count as a good reason for a sick day at work
or a reason to take a break from life
responsibilities
until your soul feels better
or at least a little normal again

how can I be expected to be a mother, a friend, a coworker, anything
when my insides are bending and breaking and my brain is unable to connect the dots

when my hands won't work
and my legs don't feel strong enough to hold my weight
and my mouth forgot how to speak

how can I be a person
when I've forgotten that I'm even alive?

I am physically ill from the abuse that my heart has taken from breaking

my muscles ache from shaking
due to the constant chill of being hollow

fuzzy thoughts like nothingness run through my head

an eternal longing for this something
something
I don't even know what

this poem, these words, these thoughts are all nothing

just black text on a web page

maybe they are my need to be heard
my need to be loved
at the same time this ache to be hated

the same way I hate myself

I have decided that forever is going to feel like this

just me, walking around day to day
on the outside looking okay
but secretly dealing with this constant twist in my guts and a gaping hole in my heart

maybe it's my soul digging it's way out of my shell

desperately trying to get out to find another body to dive into

one much more deserving than myself
who can love this girl who everyone finds beautiful
except she doesn't even see that

some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.

the microwave dings and my dinner is done
I pull out a plastic bowl filled with what once was
frozen spaghetti
for one
I remember thinking before
anyone who resulted to eating frozen dinners was sad
settling
hoping for something better

these days all I see
is freedom to do what I please
and happiness in being alone

I have been the thunder
tearing through life with a heavy heart
drenching my soul with sorrow
as if in a dark cloud
I was surrounded by my own grief
over not living the life I had always dreamed
afraid of the wind ripping my roots out of the ground like flowers in a thunderstorm
not realizing that like the sun,
I will always find my way back

I don't know what love is anymore
I could just as easily confuse it with how I feel about cigarettes

addicting and enjoyable
yet it's killing me

now when I think of love I want to puke,
the thought literally makes me sick to my stomach because I know now what it does to a person

how you lose yourself in someone else and then all of sudden you can't breathe anymore without them

I am promising myself to never be that stretched again,
to give myself a try for once, relying only on my intuition and will to power through life and relationships, never getting too blind to see things as they really are

I wanna know what it's like to be so good alone that the earth shatters when I take a step,
electricity radiates from my skin and my soul is so loud it shouts through my eyes