does everyone get this unhappy?
like the kind that just takes you out
changes your whole mood
the entire fiber of your being just goes
to ash and void
nothing
sometimes I wonder if the only times
I’ll ever get to know true happiness will be when I’m old and alone
maybe those will be the days I get to really truly do what I want
the way I’ve wanted to my entire young life
but,
somehow, have always ******* left it behind for…
for
what?
someone else’s dreams
someone else’s life
someone else’s needs
I’ve spent my entire life giving to others
and yet have never really seemed to give a **** what I actually want

I think it’s hot
if someone puts in effort
I swear
if someone even tried for me
I would *** in a blink

the things that hurt me
are not what I ever expect to
I remember what those words felt like
when they are numbing
I immediately **** into myself straight for disassociation for protection
it stung so hard you should’ve smacked me
when I’m left speechless
and my heart turns off
I don’t find it ever works the same again
the things you say that hurt me
are not curses but they cast a spell on me
back to wondering if I’m too sensitive

this morning I’ve already done the thing where my brain attacks itself and starts to wish things upon myself that would keep me from having to be a human,
or I start to pine to just be a snail,
a slimy, low to the ground, nothing to do,
snail,
I’d be green and I would take my time, scooting along munching on a leaf as I passed it by,
being spineless may feel weightless, I bet my back wouldn’t hurt,
maybe I would take a nap in the sun and then die and not even know

every once in awhile
I start to wonder if I’m really depressed after all,
then I realize
the meds are working

I’ve decided we never really grow up
we just keep having birthdays
because every few months
I’m a whole new me again
from the one I was before
I still don’t feel fully grown
everyday creates new thoughts
those thoughts lead to new paths
new paths lead me to
Me

I got my raise at work today
it’s a reminder that you’re worth is based on percentages in life and titles that you hold
I should be so happy
I should be grateful for pennies because I even got anything at all
my value is in the dollar amount I make an hour and bring home annually and I should feel proud that it still isn’t enough but I made more this year than I did last year so how dare I be ungrateful
I should be purposefully working my youth away for a few cents every year because I have a job and I have a roof over my head and bills to pay
And ya know Wow what a blessing it is to be alive and be a human
in the rat race called life I should just so grateful to be here….