it could be that I’m turning 24 soon but I feel like time is slipping
unlike most people I hate my birthday
I hate getting older and feeling like I’m running out of time to be young
every year it’s a depressing reminder that youth doesn’t stay for long
that I’m actually an adult and there is no stopping the future
I used to think when I was younger that I’d feel differently as I got older, that I would be happier, that the depression would go away and so would the anxiety and the feeling of not knowing what the hell Im doing
because adults are supposed to have it all together
but now I can look at life like none of us know what the **** we’re doing and we’re all a little sad and messed up

I remember sitting on the front porch, curled up in a wicker chair with a pen and a pad of paper
the early June afternoon sun going down over my smalltown, casting a golden glow on the blacktop,
writing a poem about loneliness
and wondering whether everyone else around me
driving by in that car,
walking their dog,
stirring that drink at the bar,
was as lonely as I was

whether their heart also longed for something more
or felt a loss for what they never reached for in the first place
whether they were settling and giving up on their dreams

or had they finally decided to go for it,
That job
That person
That trip
That thing that makes their heart beat faster and gets their blood flowing
That thing that makes them feel free

or was I the only one,
in a world overflowing with people,
could I be the only one who gave it all up,
too afraid to make the change my soul was aching for?

I’m so angry it’s not good
I have to go in to work in about twenty minutes
and yet I don’t know if I wanna scream or cry or sleep or all of it
Let me start by saying I think my anxiety is through the roof
I feel like crap and I’m so out of it I don’t even know how I got here
sometimes I want to be babied
I want someone to help me get ready and cater to all of my needs
Keep me safe under a wing like a mother does
Like I do for my son
Tell me I’m so smart and cute and funny
In those exact words
Tell me I will be helped and safe
No one does that when you’re an adult
It’s literally you against the world
So me against the world
Me against the world
Against the world
The world

I think because of how I was raised
watching my mother rely on men to take care of her
I grew up believing that women needed men to survive
and I wasted so much time
trying to get a man to be that care giver
to take care of me and support me
unaware of how capable I was to do it on my own
it took years
I let my heart break and everything I'd ever believed waste away
and then I looked up and down
at my body and my reflection
and saw that I am my own caregiver
my biggest supporter
all I really ever needed was here all along

what do you want from me?
I don’t even know where to begin
I don’t know which direction I’m in
It’s too messy in my head,
unlike my room
they always want and I have nothing to give
can’t you see I’m searching for a reason to live?
I’m still looking in the mirror to see where I’m at
It’s harder to see when it’s dark
But there’s beauty in the pain, like a masterpiece of art
I told you I’m a nightmare and you’re living in a dream

some days it's easy to feel good
like I'm starting fresh, starting over, starting a new
the feeling of freedom washes over me and I am born all over again
but just as quickly as those electric feelings start,
they end
and I am left with an emptiness in my stomach
an irreplaceable longing for love

when I start to think how I'm back to nothing
I swell up with panic and excitement all at once
like a whirlwind of emotion
wrecklessly tossed into one tiny person

I want to love myself more than anyone else
I give my all to others and never to me who deserves that kind of compassion also
so much so that I don't feel complete without belonging to someone

I forget that I wasn't always two people
I used to just be me
navigating my life on my own time
with no regard for anyone but myself
and I remember feeling so happy about that then
that I don't understand why I can't find that happiness in my solitude now

inside of me I have always carried all I ever needed
I have just forgotten how to pull out those pieces to put my heart back in place
.

when I was angry, I was unstoppable
with fire in my veins I felt like I could move mountains if I just believed it hard enough
I was so capable
and so delicate
I was so scared
and so strong
when I was mad, I was motivated
with pain came beautiful triumphs
I was so ashamed
and so proud
I was so embarrassed
and so confident
when I am not angry anymore, I am incapable
without fire in my soul, I don’t believe I can get up out of bed
I am so happy
and so sad
I am so comfortable
and so confused

At this point
It’s embarrassing
I should have this under control by now
At this point
I’m not even trying to impress anyone
Including myself
At this point
It’s all habit
At this point
I’ve come to accept I may not get better
I googled how many calories a woman my age is supposed to eat in a day
and I don’t even come close to half of those most days of the week
I’m not proud of this
I lie to my fiancé about how much I eat and that I’m full when I’m not
I don’t tell anyone that my stomach hurts all the time
or my intestines, or whatever it is that hurts
I don’t tell anyone that everything I eat I am counting the calories in my mind and calculating just how many steps I need to do tomorrow to counter act the food I just ate
I go to therapy but still haven’t fully brought up my eating disorder
to be honest, I haven’t felt like I should because I’m still up walking around
I still go to work everyday
No one is telling me I look sickly
So I just go with that
But I know the truth
The fact that I feel like crying when I know I haven’t had enough to eat today and yet I make enough money to feed myself
The fact that I have the ability to eat and I love the way certain foods taste & yet I never let myself full enjoy anything
I feel like crying when my stomach hurts so bad I can’t get up off the toilet because my intestines are killing me
I feel like crying when I get a sick satisfaction that I can feel my hip bone pointing out more than usual
I feel like crying when I realize I can’t help myself
At this point
I know better
and yet my brain doesn’t seem to give a ****

someone asked me recently if
I was happy
I said that I was
maybe not all the time, but life is good,
and this time I really meant it

if you had asked me a year ago I would have said
that I don't think I'd ever be happy again
I was so low it felt like I was buried
and I meant it

funny what a difference time makes
how in a year, you can be a whole new person

I never realized how hard the bad days were until I got what I thought I wanted
being alone
being without you
now that I no longer have you to blame
it's more than obvious that on all the bad days
You were the only thing good about them

sometimes being a woman just makes me feel angry
I often wonder, how many men have had to block someone’s number or profile,
or had to change their own number to be able to breathe easily anytime their phone goes off?  
I wonder if all the men who just mean well, meant they mean well when they get what they want

I'm left wondering if anyone is
really worth taking up your space
and your time,
if anyone is worthy of trying to take you in, wrap you up, make you theirs
pluck you like a pretty flower and take away your air  

why should they be aloud to come in and mess you all up
and make you believe in something that isn't
and take all those little pieces of you that were once what made you,
YOU
the good stuff, the real stuff, the things that made you beautiful inside,
before they stole them, or **** on them or made you feel like they weren't worthy of being

that's what happens when people think they fall in love,
all they are really doing is stealing precious roots from a person's soul,
changing them up to make them the person in their mind that they want you to be, not who you truly are

I'm left looking at a reflection of a person that I have no idea who that is, just a shell with my face on it,
an empty stomach and an even emptier heart
because someone told me they loved me and stole all of my light to take for themselves
too greedy to let a beautiful thing bloom

I wanna look exactly how I feel
expression in its truest form
I relate colors to my mood
I’m like an abstract painting with no caption underneath
I want to be so true to my feelings that when I’m feeling down
I turn the color blue

Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away

what makes us so different is the way that we think
how everything we take in, we view as we are
not how "they" might be
seeing into someone's perspective is as impossible
as counting the stars
and just like those billions of tiny, twinkling lights
we all burn out at some point
when no one is paying attention

you made me a cake from a box  
added the ingredients and mixed it all up
set the timer and watched to make sure it didn’t burn
took it out and let it cool
then covered it with bright pink icing
then scattered sprinkles on top
you made me something sweet
because you’re not

I feel like I’ve been running since I was 18
always chasing down something I felt I had to achieve
I had a plan and lists of hopes for my future
and 8 years later I have checked almost every box off my list
that feeling of accomplishment comes in waves
knowing my hard work paid off
knowing where I was and where I am today makes me grateful
so very grateful
for everything
all the stuff I had to go through
all the pain I felt
and happiness along the way
I feel like I can stop running
and start walking to take it all in
not because I have checked almost all of my boxes
but because I checked the one box that I never put down


I have found peace in my everyday life
satisfaction
and a knowing that things will be okay
no matter what happens
because I am grateful
because I believe in myself
because
I know myself now better than I ever have
It’s an understanding
of all the uncertainty I’ve faced in my past and that I will face in my future


I hope on your grocery list for your life
you find inner peace and security in trusting yourself
as you chase all of your dreams
that way when you come to the end
you can start making more boxes

This season of life is full of simplicity
predictability
normalcy
it’s a little boy about to turn 4 who asks Mama to play with him and read him the same books over and over again
birthday party planning, holiday coordinating
co parenting changing,
his stubborn side showing,
refusing to eat meals and pushing as far as he can
but also so so sweet when he tells me
“Mommy, you’re beautiful”
“Mom I want a hug”
“Mom will you sit by me?”
toddler talks and stuttering over his words because he can’t get them out fast enough
Sesame Street on repeat and little boy jokes
daycare drop offs and after work pick ups
bedtime routines and storybooks
Single child syndrome, center of attention
this season of life is so simple
motherhood now is like holding onto the baby things while also helping him do the big boy stuff,
independence blossoming
I always wondered when we would get here
past the diaper days
the breastfeeding
the restless nights
and teething
it’s all so bittersweet
My only baby
maybe my only baby
through ***** ups and scoldings he still wants to hold my hand and be carried by Mama
this season of life is all about childhood for an almost 4 year old little boy

I can love myself so much better
comparison steals my ability to see my beauty
I spend so much time loathing
I don’t know what to compare myself to anymore

There has to be a way to stay true to that calling inside of me that feels wild and unruly, other worldly and independent
while also pursuing a life that has more abundance and conformity, maturity and rules
how can I still be an independent thinker in my world while also applying the rules of a corporation for a better paycheck and feel good about that?
I want more but I have never been apart of the club
The person who agrees with the majority for my own well being
It’s a battle between my morals and my personal gain that I don’t know how to win
When you know you can do great things but also worry if the great things are just like lipstick on a pig

Anxiety has me smoking more cigarettes this morning than usual
I'm supposed to be inside working but instead I'm sitting out here on cigarette number two watching a train go by
I could count the cars,
the night sky still has stars shining through
not even the sounds of the rails can drown out my heavy heart beat
I'm the only fool to come in early on the Friday before labor day weekend
so I am milking my time and wasting the seconds
sometimes everything feels so pointless here
work, life, the world, trying,
when the train passes by
I'll flick my cigarette and go back inside

I have dreams that he dies a lot
Either by getting shot by someone or hit by a car
in those dreams I am always looking forward to a new future
a clean slate
I think it's obvious my dreams are a sign that he is actually the one killing me
slowly, mentally
I would never wish death upon someone
but is it fair that he has killed me multiple times?

I wish I could delete everything I’ve ever posted on the internet,
make myself disappear,
untraceable, unavailable, please try again another time,
I want to hit return and erase every text I’ve ever sent,
being invisible is safe, anonymity is freedom,
I want to fall out of cyberspace and into a black hole of pre recorded memories,
of times before we were attached to cords for validation,
so many perceptions of who I am create Frankenstein versions of me insinuated in the minds of others,
am I who I think I am or who you think I am?
manipulating wires became plugged into our brains and we forgot what we looked like in the mirror,
I want to know what I really think of me,
not what I was groomed into seeing
from years of comparisons that will never be enough,
I want to log myself out from the internet and act like I just logged in,
to what life would’ve been without it

hold my breath and count to five
I do this multiple times a day to keep myself from losing it

I have been having a lot of dreams lately
about running away from something

but also heading towards somewhere at the same time,
in every dream there is a destination that I never make it to,
before I wake up
&
maybe that is my subconscious way of telling myself I am looking for something, wanting something, that is unattainable right now,
that all the running I’m doing is clearly a waste of time
and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere for a second,
I’d have time to see where I already am

Life is so boring
at this present moment in time
I could not be more burnt out with my routine
my job
my weekends
my appearance
the people around me
everything
It is no one’s fault but my own that this mindset is upon me
I have not done anything new in the past few years
I’ve been in the same town
in the same job
doing the same exact thing every day as if it is Groundhog Day
the worst part about it is
I have no idea or motivation to do anything else
I am well into my late 20s and life is comfortable
it’s confusing because it’s good
but also not because I have no moments of
“I can’t believe this is my life! How amazing!”
Is it too early for me to be having a midlife crisis at 28?
In my world as it is right now
I am not depressed so much as if this is what life is going to be like, I’m going to continue spending a lot of time waiting for the end of the day

the vibrations in the room so heavy you can feel it in your pulse
sending vibes back and forth
when you’re sad I can feel it
when you want me I can sense it
when you’re angry I can breathe it
I could choke on the tension
suffocation taking my breath away

the front you put up can’t keep out the words you don’t wanna say
tell me you’re fine
I know you’re losing
tell me it’s easy I know it’s harder
you can swallow me whole with your energy
I’ve always swam in my feelings

Do you ever look back on how you behaved or something you said
and thought
I am embarrassing and dramatic?  
Nothing is that big of a deal in the end
In the moment it feels monumental
but looking back
everything works out eventually

I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish  
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall

I didnt expect the ache
the consistent, deep emptiness
right in the center of my chest
like a knot ******* and throbbing
into my soul
I didn't expect the real anger and the pain that comes with a broken heart
in trying to get over someone you once thought you'd never have to
I didn't expect three months later to face having to see you with another girl
And I didn't expect that you would love her three weeks later either

to see the parts of me that are melancholy and depressed
as beautiful or bewildering
would be too much of a compliment to myself,
the words sing to my soul,
describe me so perfectly I rename myself with the formations of these letters until I become them,
I have spent my whole life as the color blue, melting into puddles every chance I get,
I’ll look down just in case
so you don’t see me,
my eyes give me away, by
reflecting the blue on the inside that drowns me in my feelings

Sometimes I think I’ve got a grip
a handle on my feelings and this life
turns out I’m wrong and I don’t have a clue
I know it’s just going to be like this
so I’m trying to grow with my sadness
be friends and treat it as I would like someone else to treat me
aging is just watching the days go by and wondering where they went
just as fleeting as happiness
my habits help and hurt me
smoking too many cigarettes and getting higher than the clouds
just to float away like smoke stealing my breath
Life can be so good I want to hold on to it and scream at the top of my lungs how great it really is
but it all gets heavy and I drown in the burden of being a person in the universe
Giving my sadness a name and growing through it and with it
all the meds and deep breathing, the struggles I’ve been through
turn me into who I am going to be tomorrow

You should not have to feel like you need to change yourself for anyone else
the right person should help you bloom into the sunshine
be the rain to nourish your roots
and the soil to help you grow
but be the key to helping you see how beautiful you've been all along

for 3 days I cried
like a waterfall overflowing
my tears were unstoppable

and it was like every little emotion I had bottled up
attacked every nerve and every cell in my body
my soul was weeping for what I had lost
my heart had just finally allowed itself to break

all those hours I cried over you
over what I had done to you
over how I had hurt you
and how I had lost you forever
all those minutes I spent in agony
feeling like my insides were being ripped in two
I hurt over you
all those seconds I beat myself up trying to find a solution, a choice
I never once made myself an option

3 days later I woke up and realized I had been crying over everyone but the person who deserved it the most
Me
I should have spent those tears on the person who needed them all this time
I was writhing in agony over who to choose and not once did I stop to think,
I am the ******* choice
I do not deserve to be made to split myself open so painfully for others
when I deserve to be planted deep in my own ground and stay rooted in my own soul

I am already everything I've ever needed
it was the pain that made me believe I was not
the fact that I loved others so deeply that led to me believe I wasn't capable of giving that love to myself
it was the hand that plucked me up like a flower
and tried desperately to keep me alive with a vase and some water
when my roots were not meant to be confined in the first place

Forever is wishful timing,
but I'd spend my life with you
just to find out how long we can make it last
if we are only made up of minutes and seconds like the ticks on a clock,
I'd do anything at all to make those arms turn,
just to keep your hands on me

with a few drinks
a couple friends
loud music
and
laughing so hard
it hurts to breathe
it's easy to feel like
everything is right
in life
I've thought for so long
that people who drink their
feelings away had it all wrong
but it turns out I wasn't the one
who was right
I like forgetting about
life for awhile
I like being able to be me
with no restrictions
or concern for anyone's feelings
or even having to worry
about anyone else
All I need is myself

I still find myself hurting over things that have been done to me in the past
things that have been said or directly wronged me to the point of heavy sobs and torrential downpours of tears
and everyone always said to not let it get to me because these people aren't my real friends, I am better than them by not retaliating or they are just miserable, so they have to take their hate for themselves out on others
but
how do I really let go, if I'm left with an emotional scar of how I was treated and how some people I care about didn't defend me like I needed?
now I treat people I meet for the first time differently because I'm skeptical of everyone now
I only feel like they do not have good intentions and are only capable of being hateful and judging me
or hurting me
I was so beaten down to the point that I wondered why I was here
why I wasn't good enough
why I even tried everyday
that kind of mental brutality can really take a toll on a person
Most of all, I am hurt that from now on or for a very long time,
I don't see the good in people anymore
I used to believe people were truly good,
we just all make mistakes
but now I just think this world has turned into a pretty awful place

I remember the night the moon got huge and then faded to black
I spoke to you in my belly and wished for you to love the sky like I do

I can not give you a good reason why some days my heart races into infinity
and other days it chooses to leave me hollow

that would be like asking me to rip open my chest
to expect something wild and free to do anything except what it wants just for you

my soul simply wanders into the direction my arrow chooses to go

I cannot tell you why sometimes my heart allows me to overflow my veins with happiness
while at the same time pumping anxiety into my sternum

I have spent my years searching
desperately trying to figure out an ***** that was never meant to be explained to the owner of it's shell

I have been asked what I am doing with my life
and my answer is always the same
listening to my heart when it's disagreeing with my brain

I like being around women
who stand up for something they truly believe in so much you can hear it in their voice
not because they are trying to be right
but it's because that is what they FEEL is right
How do most of the women in the world forget how we were born amazing, graceful, goddesses with super powers?
So many women let men walk over them and then blame it on a man for being an "***" or a "****" but you were the stupid ****** who keeps allowing these guys to treat you that way.
because ****** when something bothers you or offends you, say it. Don't run to your girlfriends and ***** about what you "would have said", just let it out because how are men supposed to know that what they say or do is hurting us without constantly reminding them. If you say anything enough it's bound to set in, and grab your **** and leave that ******* because yes that is exactly what he is and go find yourself a guy who is more than muscle tone and good looks, someone who looks at you like you are the sun and he is your earth rotating around you sharing in your light. It's not as difficult as the world these days makes it look, show some respect and yes as a woman, you need to show a little more and then the respect will come back to you. We have to work harder to be respected because that's life, but it's the way you handle the situations you're put into that really shine into your character. These challenges are what makes being a woman so empowering because we've fought and we've won. Search for your soul ladies and not the closest Starbucks. Talk about life, your dreams, your hopes, your talents more than you talk about other peoples lives or t.v or what you hate, or what you **** at doing, be proud of being you. It's not something you have to work for, it's there inside of you. Look for it and it will look back. Women make the world go around, men need us just as much as we feel like we need them. Be kind, think of your man once in awhile before you get so offended or start to be selfish. We go through nine months of pregnancy and it's gross, and painful, and you get fat and you swell but it's beautiful! We got blessed with something only women get the chance of doing. Isn't that special? Our bodies are so amazing we can form a life inside of us and then go through hell giving birth and come out okay. Be proud of being a woman but don't be cocky and believe me, there's a difference. Do something good for you, not for social media. Quit worrying about being fat or style or if you're wearing make up or not because who are you trying so hard for? Is it really them or is it you? Embrace your inner spirit, strength, peace, understanding and harmony and your life will flourish. We only get one body, love yours.

lately I walk in to work alone
I go to break and flop down on the bench and light up a cigarette and if I feel like talking I can
or if I don't I can just sit for ten minutes
I get to be just purely me
fresh start, new people, new opportunities
it's actually refreshing to do this on my own this time
I leave work alone
I rush out to my car like I used to in the old days
turn up the volume on the radio to all my ****** songs
roll the windows down
smoke a cigarette
and sit in silence
I've never been happier

It seems like we just started talking about my move and you coming with me.
Everyday went on just like the last,
only a little better than the day before.
Like I had plenty of time to count the seconds, waste the minutes and spend the hours away with you,
and then one day,
I woke up on a Saturday,
& were 6 days away from starting over together & me being 23,
the morning light casting a golden glow on your green eyes as you tell me "Good Morning" with a kiss

Right now you are packing the things you are bringing to merge our stuff into one place called home
Each day gets a little warmer, the future gets a little closer and the past gets a little bit further away & I'm starting to feel just like the flowers in the spring,
rising from the ground with the help of the sun's rays,
my roots stronger than ever, & ready to bloom into something beautiful

I thought my heart would break when you finally said goodbye
That I would shatter like glass when you shut the door behind you for the last time
instead I felt nothing
and nothing made me sick
because feeling sad would be better than not feeling at all

My human experience is paused
I used to think crying all the time was the worst way to be
but now that I feel numb I’d take back the tears just to feel something
being able to cry is better than feeling basically nothing

I've always felt inadequate
less important than everyone else
if I wasn't there, no one would notice
I could say nothing
and no one would care
this feeling is one I try to
keep buried deep inside
away from view
I like to act like I don't care
like everyone else is lame
and
I'm just too cool for them
but I know what it really is
I'm not as cool as them
I'm not ridiculously funny
or clever
I'm not smart and rare
I'm not special
I don't sing
I don't drink
I don't have a best friend
I don't do anything
or go anywhere
because I have no friends
I don't fit in
and even when I thought I found
people who were just like me
I still felt alone
I was still alone even in the group
whether they meant to single me out
or not
it still hurt all the same
I give up on ever feeling good enough
it only feels like lying

they say growing up is a trap,
but what about never growing at all?

I think it may be worse to miss out on all the heartache and pain that comes with being alive because in all that suffering, is where you find yourself

growth hurts,
every limb and vein in your body as if you're being pulled apart,
but from darkness always comes something far more beautiful and then after all of it,
you're still here

rather than stay sheltered and safe and comfortable,
I think I'd rather feel it all

all the risks I've ever taken
or hardships life has thrown at me,
or moments so wonderful they imprinted my soul,
have been more painful and beautiful and just so very worth it
I wouldn't change a thing

I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
overwhelming
defeating
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited