As I drove home today I got a glimpse of what my new life would feel like
For a minute my heart didn't hurt and my insides didn't feel tangled in a knot and I was able to breathe fully again

I was able to see myself smiling from being so in love with being alone
From being proud of myself for taking back my life and finally listening to my heart calling out that it was time

I took note of the sky and the way the trees were dropping leaves and how the cornfields were yellow and the chill in the air coming in my car window made me shutter,
so one day when I started to forget why I did this
why I wanted to be alone

I can see the leaves on the trees and know that I did it because once again, I was enough

I thought my heart would break when you finally said goodbye
That I would shatter like glass when you shut the door behind you for the last time
instead I felt nothing
and nothing made me sick
because feeling sad would be better than not feeling at all

Sometimes I think about you
I wonder if you think I just go on with my day to day life, never a thought of you crossing my mind

Some days I can
not think about you or your voice or where you are;
how you're doing

Most days things cross my mind  

like all the beautiful things you said to me
and I don't mean the compliments, I mean the way you spoke about life,
how you're voice floated to me like the nicest sound Id ever heard

I think about how you were nice to me,
nicer than anyone ever has been
How your soul was sad like mine, the way your eyes searched for something

You told me once how it felt so good that you had found me
like you had waited your whole life for me
You always said things like that,
no one else has ever said anything like that to me

I think a lot about the pretty things you loved to tell me

One day I will be writing happy poems
about strength and courage
and what it feels like to be in love with yourself, unafraid to be alone
I won't look back and think maybe we could try again, or start over or try harder
One day I'm going to wake up and not feel bitter and angry
I will have forgiven you and myself
I'll be doing the dishes and think to myself how long it's been since I've thought about you, about us

One day I'll take a deep breath of relief
but today, I will write sad poems about heartache, anger and what it feels like to be alone

I'm left wondering if anyone is
really worth taking up your space
and your time,
if anyone is worthy of trying to take you in, wrap you up, make you theirs
pluck you like a pretty flower and take away your air  

why should they be aloud to come in and mess you all up
and make you believe in something that isn't
and take all those little pieces of you that were once what made you,
YOU
the good stuff, the real stuff, the things that made you beautiful inside,
before they stole them, or **** on them or made you feel like they weren't worthy of being

that's what happens when people think they fall in love,
all they are really doing is stealing precious roots from a person's soul,
changing them up to make them the person in their mind that they want you to be, not who you truly are

I'm left looking at a reflection of a person that I have no idea who that is, just a shell with my face on it,
an empty stomach and an even emptier heart
because someone told me they loved me and stole all of my light to take for themselves
too greedy to let a beautiful thing bloom

I guess after so many trys
and so much time,
it really is best to look forward when
what was had is lost forever

no matter how hard I try to look
or even however hard I might force myself to want it to be the same

It just isn't

I've always been interested in hearing other people's dirt on their relationship
probably because it's nice to know someone else out there is just as miserable as I am

Happiness in a relationship is all temporary
A facade of what people think is normal life
Rather fake it till you make it
over actually going out and being it

But I don't want to spend my life
being quiet and silencing my soul
even I can't tame my heart to a truth it wasn't meant to have

I've always lived for someone else
this time I want to try to live for me

These past few years you have made me forget that I am still fire
I am still strong and powerful and capable
You have done your best to take all the best parts of me
and turn them into something useful only for you
but there is still that roaring heart inside my chest

For awhile I forgot that I used to be hell on wheels
miss independent with a kick in my step
ready to take on the world with an iron fist
I used to be the girl who rolled over men like you
put them in their place and said forget it

I am a volcano erupting
An ocean of feelings that are okay to feel
The loud parts of me are what make me burn beautifully
The parts of me you don't like me to show are okay too
I shouldn't have to be quiet about my flaws
because love is supposed to accept them anyway
if love is even what we can call this anymore

When my insecurities come out you leave welts on my skin
from being so hateful towards my most fragile pieces
when I am breaking you only help me shatter
by throwing stones big enough to break down whole buildings

All of me that makes me who I am is not appreciated by you
it is NOT fair for me to live hiding and walking on eggshells
to make sure you are happy, the only one of us who apparently matters
supposed to be partners in this life instead I am your servant

but Oh you are never wrong, you never want to hear it when I am bleeding my heart out all over the floor
I am a mess you just step over because heaven forbid you get your shoes wet

I have dreams that he dies a lot
Either by getting shot by someone or hit by a car
in those dreams I am always looking forward to a new future
a clean slate
I think it's obvious my dreams are a sign that he is actually the one killing me
slowly, mentally
I would never wish death upon someone
but is it fair that he has killed me multiple times?

How could you have let someone speak to you like that?
How did you put up with it for so long?
You gave so much of yourself away
it wasn't fair
you did everything for him and he drained you
he never even noticed if the floors were swept and mopped
but I bet now he does
he spoke to you like you were trash
now I bet he sees how fast it builds up when you don't take it out
You raised his son all on your own
but he took all the credit
I bet now he knows why you felt so alone
Now it's too late and he took you for granted
You shine for the old you
You be the girl you were always meant to be without him
You be the girl you always wanted to be back on those morning he would talk down to you and say nasty things and make you feel like you were nothing

The fan is on, the constant hushing sound adding rhythm to the room
I can hear the hum of cars passing by outside my window
a added sense that I am not alone even though I am here by myself
Novembers cooling touch has crept in
nipping at my toes, drying my already dry pale skin
my favorite time of year when life seems to slow down, putting a glow on the usually bland days
here in my bed under the warmth of my flannel blankets all is right with my world
but my brain still finds something to bring the anxiety out
I thought if I started writing down my thoughts on paper it would lessen the night time stress
but then I stress about not writing on the nights I forget
the streetlight outside my window flashes a constant shadow on my wall
and I find comfort in that
something about the added light on my wall is friendly, familiar
when my brain finally shuts off I fall into dreams of my past
of people I haven't seen in years, all the stories blend into one
repeating like a rerun
at least I still have dreams
even if they're only in my sleep

I feel like I've found my niche
with this walking thing
I started because I found it makes my baby happy
he sleeps so good in the rocky stroller
falling into slumber with each bounce and groove in the sidewalk
I started to realize it was therapeutic
for the both of us
I find myself actually looking forward to
waking up so I can start my
morning and go for my walk
the air is clearer and so is my mind
I like to know I'm growing stronger everyday
I like to push myself to go further
walk faster
think harder
my walks are where my thoughts
come together
where I process my life and give myself time to be fully
me
sometimes my mind is blank
and I am just feet on the ground
leaving an untraceable path
burning calories and fat
into muscle and progress
I think I found my thing
a thing I like to do
even if it does seem small and simple
it makes me feel good
and when something makes you feel like this
why would you stop

Tonight just isn't going my way
I am not in the best mood and
apparently neither is he
I got excited for no reason
did my makeup for no reason
looked forward to today for no reason
I may as well have never gotten out of bed
It just isn't my day
I want to be in a better mood
I want to cheer up
In less than an hour we will be in bed
and today will be over

I'm tired of being jealous of other people's lives
I want to make a life that someone else is envious of
that makes them want to change their lives for the better
that makes them question how they're living or what they really wanna do
If they're staying true to themselves
or just doing what everyone else wants

I've cried as much as my eyes will let me
I don't think there's anything left in my ducts to pour out
but my heart still hurts just the same
I cried because I am frustrated
I am sick of this situation were always in
I cried because I don't know how we're going to do it
even though I know we will
I guess I cried because it's going to be so hard  
I cried because I don't believe in myself the way I act like I do
I am so scared all the time
I don't know what I'm doing and I am scared of being in pain
I cried because my life is going to change in ways I hadn't even considered yet
the days we had are gone and I miss them already
I cried because life is scary and I haven't felt this alone in so long
I cried because I feel bad for feeling this way
it's not my babies fault I am feeling unprepared
it is my own
I just feel so alone and full of regrets tonight

is it selfish to hope that my son
turns out more like me
to hope he cares more about things
like the lunar eclipse or the lifetime of a tree over the next level on a video game?

to see the world through a wider set of eyes
and to know there is much more to life than the day to day routines
that nature matters
and so does recycling and knowledge of plants

reading should still be done out of books
and learning to write in cursive still matters
I hope he sees the beauty in the stars
and how small but important we are in the vast universe we get to be apart of
how what we do here on earth
effects our solar system

when he gets older I hope he realizes
other people's feelings around him
how the things he says and does truly effect someone else
I hope he cares about his health
that he dosent smoke and dosent drink too much
is conciencious of his eating choices
and goes for an apple over chips
I hope he sees he only has one life
and that he sets out to make the most of it

I hope he is never too ******* himself
because he realizes no one is perfect
and that he takes the time to
take care of himself
I hope he wants to live in this world over the makeshift realities brainwashing todays Youth through TV and games
I hope he questions who he is
and who he wants to be even in the good times not just the bad

I hope when the next lunar eclipse comes around
he will want to watch it with his Mom
because he knows how much she adores both the moon and her son

everywhere I turned there was a screeching child around every aisle
begging, whining, crying,
faces red, tears rolling as they throw probably their fifth or sixth temper tamtrum all day
right there in the middle of walmart
parents faced drained of life
trying to get in and out
while rounding up their child
dragging them by the arm
giving them what they want so they stop asking even three aisles away from the object
I bent down to grab my cupcake holders and I hear little feet running up beside me
and a young boy goes bolting by me,
a box of fruit roll ups in his hands
and I watch as he throws it in the cart and the mother continue to walk as if that didn't just happen
as I stand the sound of screams echoes
through the grocery section
and all I can think is
GO GO GO
GET ME OUT OF HERE
my lungs felt heavy
my breath was coming in quick
small gasps
I started sweating under my arm pits
my mind closing around the sounds of
bratty children screaming behind me
beside me
in front of me
as if the sounds were taunting me
I dropped the two items I had on a random shelf and headed toward the door as fast as my feet would take me
pushed open the doors and ran to my car
where I turned the ignition on
stepped on the gas and flew out of the parking lot
I gasped for air when I got on the road
I hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath
was that going to be my life?
was I about to nurture
love
clean
change diapers
fall in love
with a hateful, selfish, evil little demon
that would fool me for a few months of absolutely adorable babyness before turning into Satan spawn right before my eyes
begging, screaming, whining when they don't get their way
who was I kidding
I've always hated children
and in return they've hated me back
just last week a boy told me my leggings were gay
what made me think my son would be any different?
I didn't calm down until I got to sit in silence
just the sound of my cars engine
and my own breathing
I swore right then and there
even if it kills me, I would never let my child be that kid
I refused to let my life end up the way those parents in walmart had turned out
kids will be kids but my child will
never chase a pregnant woman out of a store in an absolute panic second guessing motherhood

Tall, skinny, dark skin tanned by the sun
a football t-shirt with his school logo
the same high school I graduated from
walking ten feet in front of his mother
head down, nose in his smartphone
he slows his pace and meets up with her
in the Halloween section
I hear her ask,
"What are you going to do for red ribbon week?"
to which he rose his head for two seconds to reply with annoyed snarkiness,
"I don't know but I'm not wearing anything on my face.."
off he goes
nose in his phone
and suddenly my heart wrenched for her
for him
for that tone and the way he is missing out on this time with his Mom even though it seems so mundane to a teenage boy to grocery shop with his Mother
the saying is true
you won't appreciate your parents until it's too late and you're already grown and out of the house
I felt for myself
I'm having a son
and all I could think was
'what if one day that's me, watching my teenage son ignore me on his smartphone I pay way too much for so he can get on Facebook and waste his thoughts on brainwashing Internet trends, not caring to really talk to me anymore, or even care if I exist'

I've always felt inadequate
less important than everyone else
if I wasn't there, no one would notice
I could say nothing
and no one would care
this feeling is one I try to
keep buried deep inside
away from view
I like to act like I don't care
like everyone else is lame
and
I'm just too cool for them
but I know what it really is
I'm not as cool as them
I'm not ridiculously funny
or clever
I'm not smart and rare
I'm not special
I don't sing
I don't drink
I don't have a best friend
I don't do anything
or go anywhere
because I have no friends
I don't fit in
and even when I thought I found
people who were just like me
I still felt alone
I was still alone even in the group
whether they meant to single me out
or not
it still hurt all the same
I give up on ever feeling good enough
it only feels like lying

with a few drinks
a couple friends
loud music
and
laughing so hard
it hurts to breathe
it's easy to feel like
everything is right
in life
I've thought for so long
that people who drink their
feelings away had it all wrong
but it turns out I wasn't the one
who was right
I like forgetting about
life for awhile
I like being able to be me
with no restrictions
or concern for anyone's feelings
or even having to worry
about anyone else
All I need is myself

I like being around women
who stand up for something they truly believe in so much you can hear it in their voice
not because they are trying to be right
but it's because that is what they FEEL is right
How do most of the women in the world forget how we were born amazing, graceful, goddesses with super powers?
So many women let men walk over them and then blame it on a man for being an "***" or a "****" but you were the stupid ****** who keeps allowing these guys to treat you that way.
because ****** when something bothers you or offends you, say it. Don't run to your girlfriends and ***** about what you "would have said", just let it out because how are men supposed to know that what they say or do is hurting us without constantly reminding them. If you say anything enough it's bound to set in, and grab your **** and leave that ******* because yes that is exactly what he is and go find yourself a guy who is more than muscle tone and good looks, someone who looks at you like you are the sun and he is your earth rotating around you sharing in your light. It's not as difficult as the world these days makes it look, show some respect and yes as a woman, you need to show a little more and then the respect will come back to you. We have to work harder to be respected because that's life, but it's the way you handle the situations you're put into that really shine into your character. These challenges are what makes being a woman so empowering because we've fought and we've won. Search for your soul ladies and not the closest Starbucks. Talk about life, your dreams, your hopes, your talents more than you talk about other peoples lives or t.v or what you hate, or what you **** at doing, be proud of being you. It's not something you have to work for, it's there inside of you. Look for it and it will look back. Women make the world go around, men need us just as much as we feel like we need them. Be kind, think of your man once in awhile before you get so offended or start to be selfish. We go through nine months of pregnancy and it's gross, and painful, and you get fat and you swell but it's beautiful! We got blessed with something only women get the chance of doing. Isn't that special? Our bodies are so amazing we can form a life inside of us and then go through hell giving birth and come out okay. Be proud of being a woman but don't be cocky and believe me, there's a difference. Do something good for you, not for social media. Quit worrying about being fat or style or if you're wearing make up or not because who are you trying so hard for? Is it really them or is it you? Embrace your inner spirit, strength, peace, understanding and harmony and your life will flourish. We only get one body, love yours.

You may not be able
to see the first signs of fall because
it shows up the same way
as love does
you feel it first
Over night suddenly everything
is somehow,
Different
As if Mother Nature and us
are connected
we are find ourselves changing
with the seasons
And as the nights grow
colder
the happier I will feel

the last time i went home
i went into my moms room
and
i stole my moms pants
because they smelled
like
home

Ive known you for approximately 6209.1225 days
Which is equivalent to 17 years
When people think of love,
they never consider the bond between a sister
and her
twin.
Its a God given best friend
a pal for life,
someone who will always have your back,
the yin to my yang,
my better half,
While you may be bullheaded and stubborn,
I can be quite openminded and forgiving
and between the two
we balance out,
we make an equilibrium.
It's me and you against the world
from Beanie babies to paychecks,
from ice cream trucks to a Corsica,
It was me and you
all along.
Even if our Mother made a million mistakes
I have to thank her for giving birth to the other half of my heart.
I know Ill never be alone because
you're always right there by my side.

Oh well were riding at 8 in the morning with
this bowl making rounds inside a
car with
a heater thats a *******
and
Man, its March. When will it finally warm up?

There are those songs I will
listen to over and over
because
they remind me of
you.

You have been leaving for so long
Since that night when you told me to go home
But I wouldnt say a thing because it all sounded wrong
Now that your love has come and gone
And youre not really who thought you were

You told me to be patient, that our love was ever strong,
But on that night in my car, I told you you were wrong
I was weak and so despite myself
I begged for you to stay
When really, all along, I had been waiting for this day

This day for you to tell me that I just wasnt enough
And you never knew relationships could really be this tough
I was more than you had asked for, the fire had burned out
For so long you ignored my devastating shout

I watched you turn away from me and I knew this was it
There was something in your eyes
The way they held back secrets Id never know
The way they told me lies
And "Once you fixed yourself" you said you would come back to me
But by that time Darling, Id be long gone, alone and wild and free

But you were leaving for so long
And Im really not so strong
Im not this girl that picks up and moves on
I told you I wasnt strong

Well you've been leaving me for so long
And I dont need you after all,
Because I am all the things you swore I was
And now you have surely realized
The burning in my heart and the fire in my eyes
So you can keep all the broken promises
And all of the regret
Ill be up in the stars
Somewhere you'll never get

You said you wanted me to come over, and even though it was nearly midnight, I agreed.
I hit every red light between here and your house: start stop wait and wait and wait and start just to stop and wait again, stuck listening to weight-loss infomercials,right-wing talk radio,that god-awful jingle for the lawyer that tries to sound like a wild-west cowboy.
Idling under these red cyclops eyes, I wanted
to tell you that this had to stop, that I was going home, that I’d see you tomorrow, maybe,but I finished the drive and remembered why:
the red scent of your hair;your lips against my neck, saying,“I’m glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re here.”

We fell in love in cars…

You can call this an ode to our love and to the cars
That played along as we drove by all these smoky bars,
They held us while we fell, from under these streetlights,
Its dark out here but the moon is rather bright.

While you were sitting in the front seat smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last, I was falling deep, deep in love with you.
Your hopes became my hopes, your dreams my dreams too,
Instead of empty streets, there lay a golden shore,
Who would have thought we’d be there so many times before?

And soon you found yourself sitting in that seat next to mine,
On a cruise off to nowhere where we could lose track of time.
And I sure was smitten by that smile I brought to your eyes,
The first time I truly believed cars could fly.

From the topics of life out on the open road,
To all the silly little jokes we’ve told;
Fate found its way to our hearts through the
Wheels of our tires on our hand me down cars.

We fell in love in cars,
And on these country roads, back when we had time to waste
with no where else to go.
and no matter where we end up, no matter how very far,
Our love will be woven into the bones inside these cars.