waking up
is like
coming up for air -

but after you take
that first breath,
youre ready
to go back
under.

when do i know
how much of myself
i should change
and how much of
someone else
i should leave behind

you are as
shallow
as the
shot glass
you fill
time after time

you would think
that all of that
liquid
would contribute
to some
depth

but instead
all youve gained
is a headache
and some words
you shouldnt have
said

if pretending
that i dont love you
is the only way
to stay close to you,
i swear i will do it
a million times over

running your hardest
still doesnt mean
you wont slip and fall

the restaurant
where we used to
hang out
closed down
the other day.

im not sure
if i am
happy
that there is now
one less thing
around
to remind me of you,

or if i am
scared
that you will
keep fading away
until you
completely
disappear.

i know
what i should be saying -
something
along the lines of,
"how dare you
take advantage
of my heart".

but instead,
i find myself
pleading,
"please,
come back once more
and take
all i have left".

incisors
cutting
ripping
down to marrow

filled with the sun
and singing to the moon

a creature
of dark and light

some days i wonder
why you still
remain;
other days
i find comfort
in your
lingering

like a patch of
snow
in the dead
of July -

i dont know
what the ****
youre still
doing here,
but i know
that i am
comforted
by the oncoming
promise of the
cold

halley's comet
comes back around,
but you are not
ethereal enough
to do so
forgivably.

laying in the leaves
on the forest floor
outside of a
suburban neighborhood

i am partially high
and closing my eyes
to avoid the brightness
of the sunlight

for what does the
sun mean
if the leaves still fall,
and what purpose
do my feelings serve
if you do not
feel the same
anymore

i thought that maybe
drugs
alcohol
tears
blood
would finally
pack up the last
few pieces
i had left of you
and sweep them
away
like the leaves
i am cradled by
as the oncoming
breeze
of fall
descends upon
the trees

but the high
makes me feel
lower,
and the buzz
just rattles
the crude stitches
i had hand-sewn
onto my heart

i am drowning
in what is left
of you,
even though it is
only a puddle

i am only
awake
enough to feel
the pain

i drunkenly mutter
i loosely scream
i silently cry

no matter
what state
i am in,
whether i am
solid
liquid
wasted
trashed

there is
still
enough of you
left in me
to make
summer
freeze over
and my
heart
stop
with the sudden
change
in temperature

all i want
is to
bleed
a little more,
but nothing
seems
sharp enough
anymore

youll learn to
respect
the demons
you share
this earth with
when you realize
that some of them
reside within you

it was a
goodbye
that made my
capillaries
explode

it made
my heart valve
backflow

and my ribcage
crack

they say that
internal bleeding
is fatal

and i guess
i am now
a part of the
statistic
that agrees
with that

i sat
in the
bathtub
staring
at the
broken
blood vessels
in my legs
and wondered
if they were
whole
before you left,
too.

you stole away
the stars
burning within
my psyche

now i have
reduced
to crawling
in the dark

i never
understood
what it was
like

to forget
how to count
your lucky stars

until they all
vanished
right before
my eyes

the one you
fell in love with
still lives,
she is just
well hidden
from monsters
like you.

i did not
even know
that you could
love and hate
someone
at the same time,
even more so
did i not know
that i could feel
both emotions
so much
and so deeply -
together.

the house settles;
i am not alone

i am like a moth
willingly flying
into the light
only to be burned

maybe i am
willing to lose
my wings
because i
want to remember
how it was
to not be able
to fly,
back when i was
a flightless creature
who loved the moon

maybe i am still
not worthy
of wings

nothing
in this world
is reliable -
rain stops,
the sun hides,
stars die,
and the moon
cannot stay
in one place

so why did i
ever
decide
to rely
on you?

i am alive

and you are but a
copy
of a copy
of a copy
of a copy
of a copy
of a copy

they all frequent the same places
and maintain the same postures

they use the same spoons
and adore the same sounds

they smoke the same cigarettes
and poison themselves
with the same brand
of alcohol

all of these drugs in my system
all of these holes and blisters
you said that i was made of the sun -
but what do you know of light,
you creature of darkness?

i am not here
this is not happening
i am a tangle
of stardust
drifting out of
my consciousness

i cannot feel this
you cannot hurt me
i am much
more
than my body

its easier
to fall back into
old habits
than to fall out off them

because who falls
out of a hole -
especially
when you arent even sure
where it begins
and where it ends?