i am not an it.
i am not an object.
i have a pulse.
i have a beating heart.
i am made of stardust.
i am made up of skin and bones.
and you still call me an **it.
your mind can't grasp the idea that
i am a strong woman one day
and a strong male the next.

Genderfluid
I am a girl, at least to everyone but me,
I am gay, and straight too, and both, and neither,
I do not want attention, I even try to avoid,
But you call me a she,
But I am changing, every day,

I cry when you know I am not so,
I am a boy today...I am gay
You don't notice, or care,
You just put more cuts on my wrist,
And hurt me more with every word...
"*****," you call with ease,
But you do not know, I am a boy today
"****," you say... I am a ******

Death my mind calls with every single word...
But you do not care, for you smile at my pain, as I call for my love,
"Dakota..."

this morning
i am stuck

i am stuck
between
Blue
and
Pink

every morning
i face the same decision
and ask the question
how do i feel today?

and every morning
i struggle
not because i cant find the answer
but because im scared of it

because i know
that i cant be Purple
thats too confusing

but i feel Purple

when you're born a girl.
But don't feel like one.
When you are forced to go swimming and expose your body.
The one that causes all the pain and dysphoria.
Oh how much it ***** having boys staring at your *****.
When you want to be one of them.

I’m sorry
if I
wasn’t
the daughter
you had
in mind.


- I only ever wanted to make you proud

Somewhere along the way,

We changed

It’s all been said and done before,
But we’ll say it and do it
All over again

She walks in from school,
With a smile on her face.
Mom asks "How was your day?"
She just nods and says "Okay"

You don't recognize the fright.
You don't see her crying into her pillow at night.
You don't understand the pain she's felt,
The fear she's felt.

But how could you?
All you see,
Is a smile.

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and step mom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend

New:
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out

Dear World,

"I'm like you, I deserve love too." This is a statement all of us need to say.

But my story to you is, I am bisexual. If you don't know what it is, it's when you like guys and girls. Or you swing both ways.

I feel perfectly fine doing things with a girl, but if you tell me to do something with a guy, I'll have to think about it. But I will kiss, hug and cuddle with my boyfriend. I do it because I'm comfortable with him. If you told me to do it with someone else I probably wouldn't because I don't like it. When I was younger I had a girlfriend, we would make-out and I would cuddle with her. When we had sleepovers we would even share the same bed. But know one knew, because I didn't want them to know. But now I do.  

I have been bullied my whole life because of me liking girls. My mom say to me a while ago "You better not become a full on lesbian cause I want grand-kids." I started to cry because she said that. Did she ever think that I don't want kids or it's my life not hers.  But now, I don't care. I can do what I want, it's my life.

I am gender fluid. That's when some days you feel like a guy and others feel like a girl. You can be one way for days, weeks, months or even years, then change back to the other gender. And you don't change your parts if you don't want too.

I just came out to everyone last month. Few ask me why I dress like a boy and I just tell them cause I like the style, but the ones I trust, I will tell them I'm gender fluid. But the others frown at me cause of the way I dress. They say I'm lesbian or a dude cause I dress like a boy. But I don't care. This is me and you can't change it. My mom said "You have *****, so you are a girl. I don't care if you want to dress like a boy, you are a girl and you need to act like it. If you lived with me I wouldn't let you dress like this." Yes my own mother bullies me. She doesn't want me to be who I want to be. But as I said, I don't care.

But luckily people have become more open to this,

Sometimes I don't know what I am or who I am. But what I do know is that, this is me and you can't change it. If you don't like it, the you can leave me alone and not talk to me. It's that simple.

I guess I'm saying that I'm bisexual and I am gender fluid. I don't care what people say it's my life not theirs. And they just have to learn to accept it.

"I'm just like you, I deserve love too. And this is my story.

Love, @hagilyforever

They say life is good
But I don't believe it.

What is good
In millions of people dying every year

What is good
In global warming

What is good
In school shootings

What is good
In floods, earthquakes, tsunamis

What is good
In being diagnosed with a chronic illness

What is good
In divorce

What is good
In your home being destroyed by a fire

Maybe there is no good
Maybe they're just lying.

American school bombings
London stabbings
Gaza shootings
North Korea missile launching
Russian poisoning

So many broken counties

Lying politicians
Teenage pregnancies
Kids cutting
Child *******
Babies born as addicts

So many broken people

Air Pollution
Ice caps melting
Diminishing resources
Global warming
Seas of *******

So many broken things in the world

if i had only one wish, i would wish to be with you forever

Can't you tell when I
say "I"m fine" of
how much pain and sadness
there is in my eyes?
When you ask me how I am.
I almost start to cry, but I just manage
to tell you such an easy lie.
And then I go home, wanting to die,
you still think I'm fine because you
didn't catch that horrible lie.

I think I am
going to **** myself.
Maybe not today,
or next week,
or even next year.
But I can feel it.
I will end my life,
on my own terms

Every 40 seconds
someone in the world dies of suicide

Every 41 seconds
someone is left to make sense of it

Do you ever
get the feeling
that this life
isn't yours?

That you have no control?

That everyone
around you is
living and
you're just
breathing.
Watching.
Waiting.



For what?

A broken mirror
A bleeding fist
A silver blade against a wrist
Tears falling down to lips unkissed
Ignore her and she won't exist
She's not that kind you'll come to miss

Hey you, yes you, with the razor in your hand and the tears in your eyes, I hope this has reached you in time

Don't drag that blade across your wrist, leg, hip or tummy

Hey you, yes you, with the  pills in your hand and death on your mind. I hope this has reached you in time

Don't swallow those pills. I actually care

Hey you, yes you, with the rope around your neck and ***** on your breath. I hope this has reached you in time

Don't jump don't hop just stop. Remove the rope climb off the chair, I care

hey you, yes you, with the horrid past and a bright future. I'm glad this reached you in time

Now you see that I care

Just a cut
Just a scratch
"What's that mark?"
"It was just the cat"

Just an excuse
Just another lie
"What's with all the bracelets?"
"Just fashion, why?"

Just a tear
Just a scream
"Why were you crying?"
"Just a bad dream"

But it's not just a cut
Or a tear or a lie
It' always 'just one more'
Until you die

Oh, how I wish you still called
To hear that crack in your voice
Flaws and all
You were still my first choice.

Oh, how I wish you still called
To talk the fears back
Because since we fell off
It brought the tears back.

The comforted words you spoke*
The *life in your laugh
All the memories I have to revoke
Brings all the pain back.

I find myself locked
Between my flaws
In that I love too much
And I love too hard

There's not much I can do
Than just be apologetic
But living an apologetic life
Leads to apologetic stories

So I wish to not say sorry
For I cannot change this
My flaws are my flaws
And they are what make me

This is not an apology
Just a warning
For my love is large and strong
And I cannot stop for anyone

I wish...
That he had never met me
That way...
There will be no tears
...when I'm gone

What you are by experience in life,
is not WHO you are inside.

Never forget that,
you were someone,
before, -hand?

I have no reason to be sad.
I have food on my table,
I live in a luxurious stable,
I’m not disabled nor financially unstable.
Everything I want, I had.
So please explain to me how I went all bad?

To all the goodbyes
I say goodnight
To everyone that dies
I hope it's bright

To everyone;
With a razor
Hand of pills
Tied rope
Dangling keys
Extreme hight below
Finger over a light trigger
Electricity at hand
Open propane tank
Empty plate, with full glass

Stop, think about who you're leaving behind
I know my words aren't going to stop you, but just read
Did you bother to write and leave a note?
Is it worth it then?
Saying you're sorry, knowing you'll leave someone behind?
Stop. Think about why you're doing it
Do you have nobody?
Think about your opportunities that'll fly past
The chance of ever meeting someone?
Did you lose someone?
Think about if you'll actually see them again?
Being bullied?
Fight back, with whatever you have
Life shoved you down?
No, I'm not asking you to get up!
I'm telling you to get your *** into a nap
Think about all the possibilities that might not be
Think of all the opportunities and people in the future
Think of your legacy
Think of anything except the pain
Now balance the pain and everything else
Want to jump? Skyfall
Want to shoot? Paintball and games
Want to hang? Bungee
Want to overdose? Take 10% of it and party
Suffocate in propane gas, or blow up? Cook a nice meal, invite a friend or family. Surround yourself. No friends and family? Find a friend, build a family. Make space cakes
Want to speed wrong side of the road? Speed on the right side of the road and get carried with the wind, do it over again
Want to cut yourself? Cut off the pain and wrong influences
Electricute yourself? Rather save electricity and watch a good movie with friends or family. Have none? Watch a movie alone, play a game online. Make friends, build a family
Want to starve yourself so you can get drunker and finally forget it all, when your liver gives in? Eat a lot more, blow off some steam at the gym and build a body that girls/guys would like, attract them and make new friends. Drink with friends.

I've done and tried all these things and it never worked out
Life had a pleasent surprise and yet I'm depressed and yet I'm suicidal, but I push through. I know you can too!
Push through to that wedding day, or in my case the day I see my Suzuki GSX-R 750 K8 and take my first ride. Create new dreams if the old ones died. Work hard for them. Achieve something
"At least leave a ******* legacy behind" is what my bestfriend, Steph used to say
"You can get out of this alive, but maybe a little ****** up, but anything damaged can be repaired" My bestfriend Josh used to say
"Life can carry you away without what you thought you needed" my bestfriend Divene used to say

Even more quotes from people I've lost in my life, so I ask you just think about it all
Still going through with it? Remember it's a one way ticket
Need some extra help?
269-281-8555
Message me and we'll work through this

Torn between risk & safety
Failure bullying success....
The future on a cutting board, with a knife labeled hasty

Torn between passion & stability
Survival wrestling happiness.....
the choice is there, but I lack the ability

Addictions are like *******
Everyone has one, and they usually stink
Smoke
Shoot
Snort
whatever you need to get you through
but...
What about when its not drugs?
How does she disclose
When her scars itch
When she's twitching
Scratching
Looking for something
what is it
what is it
what is it
what is it
where is it
where where where....
Her mind races
Her scars burn hot
Hot enough to burn her shorts
Hotter than her tears
There
Under the board on her stand
Shiny and stolen
Mechanical pencils are better anyway
She mutters to herself
Up goes her shorts
Up goes her sleeves
1
2
3
4
5
Dont count, make them even
In a line
Not like that
Her sister gets clean
She's left in limbo
How could she justify
How could she seek help
When she does it to herself
When it wont make her *****
When it wont make her seize
Addictions, everyone has one
For her, there's a relapse on the way
who knew self harm was addictive

Shadows dance upon the walls
The clocks incessant tick
Why am I awake right now?
Because insomnia’s a ****

I'm all on my own now
Have nothing to lose
The one thing I cared of
Decided to move (on)

I'm sitting here, waiting
For just one last call
But I'm scared of hearing
Please, don't say "Goodbye"

Have you ever been so tired, You're too tired to sleep?
Both mentally and physically?

Hell is loving you in my sleep
Filling my dreams and mind with only you
Your very existence bringing me overwhelming happiness
Loving you with all my might
And when I finally have you in my arms
I'll wake up all alone.

This time it's not the sadness that's keeping me awake at night
But it's the responsibility I have to face in the morning

Sleep tight.
Let yourself dream
Feel it until you're drawn into it
Settle in the arms that's holding you
Let him kiss your temple and caress your skin
Forget about the world, live and love

Close your eyes.
Let him whisper the words
Hear him out, hear his undying love
Let him embrace your soul
He love you

Rest yourself in the arms of the man who found you.

This world is a huge mess
My life is a huge mess

People yell at me
I'm unloved,
Bullied,
Mentally beaten,
Sleep deprived,
Hungry

I get anxiety attacks
Because of my dad,
School,
People,
The voices in my head,
And my own thoughts

And all I can say is "I'm fine."
I'm sorry,
I can't do this anymore,
I don't know if I'll ever come back
I'm not strong enough anymore,
I'm losing this fight
Goodbye, I'm done

It's really sad to see this world today.
Filled with life miseries of homeless people everyday,
This world today, as I see it - full of hatred, love lost, drugs and so much more.
The saddest part of it all, the users and people are so unsure, their life so blur and eyes so closed all because of one little dose.
This world today, brings tears to my eyes that was once joy.
This world today, brings hatred to those; lost, unloved, unwanted and hidden in a cave.
The tunnel vision that's in ones mind, to see those suffer of pain intertwined.
So in this world today all we can do is pray that life can be better someday.

too much of it means you're not living
too little, and it means the same thing

He's the guy next door....
He's a guy like you and me with warts and worries and unfulfilled dreams.
Yet he stands taller than most of us.
He's a fireman....
A fireman is at once the most fortunate and the least fortunate of men.
He's a man who saves lives because he has seen too much death.
He's a gentle man because he has seen the awesome power of violence out of control.
He's responsive to a child's laughter because his arms have held too many small bodies that will never laugh again....
He doesn't preach the brotherhood of man.
He lives it.

If you think it's tough being a firefighter,
try being a firefighter's wife.

And if you think it's hard being a firefighter's wife,
try being a firefighters daughter

These words will not rhyme
These will be words true to the heart

Late at night I sit crying in the dark,
Wondering if this will last,
Wondering if you will still love me
after I hit my breaking point

I want this to last through high school
I want this to last through college
I want this to last through time

When you go off to college
and I stay here in high school
I hope you stay true and loyal to me
I just hope you never leave

But if you do,
That
Will be my breaking point

But I wonder and hope
that this will last forever

I'm just wondering

My father's voice was like a bomb
when he was clothed in anger
His words were driven by stress and pain
and he loved that pain like no other

In the wake of his wrath
grew flowers of sorrow
I felt my innocence die
and my maturity grow

I am my father's daughter
and I carry this fear
That I'll be a bomb like him
in the upcoming years

My father once told me,
To grow out my hair,
Then I'd be pretty like my mother,
And he would actually care.

He would blackmail me,
Put me down for my looks,
Said I had no friends,
But good that I read books.

He said these hurtful things,
Such a while ago,
But I remember them today,
The words never really go.

They stick with me,
Like I stuck with my long hair,
But I cut it, and tomorrow,
I hope he won't care.

It's true, I'm scared,
For what my father might say,
But at least, I know,
I'm safe for another day.

you know i still love you
but i will always hate you too
for so many reasons
leaving me alone at 6 on friday nights till 2am the next day
i never ate enough
you never noticed
i never did my homework and lied saying i did
you hardly checked
i hurt myself
you never noticed
but your my dad, i can't just only hate you
but i feel the need to
cause the pain you put me in
i will never forget
the phone calls that i have to initiate with a text
im sorry im a bad child
im so sorry im ****** up
and im sorry you don't know how to parent
im sorry i love my mom more than i'll ever love you
thanks for not being there for me now
or ever
you have gotten worse as the years went by
but i love you dad
you know i do
you just don't know how much i hate you
thanks for kinda raising me
you yelled
i cried
you drank
i cut
you left
i attempted suicide
you slept
i drank
you went out
i stayed up till you got home
im sorry but i feel the need to say goodbye
to the father i wished you were
so i finally accept the real father you are