I'm crying for a girl who never existed.
One who failed but always persisted, to try and figure out what makes one woman. these thoughts about gender felt like a shout, but this 'girl' was still figuring it out. Now this person mourns the loss, of this gender that felt like an albatross.
Long brown hair Long soft brow hair Blue eyes Blue soft eyes Blue sad eyes Pretty dress Pink pretty dress Flowery pink pretty dress A chest A chest so full A chest so beautifl Scissors Scissors on pretty long har chop, Chop, CHOP Blue eyes Teary blue eyes Relived blue eyes A hoodie A hoodie and black jeans Black ripped jeans and a band T A chest A chest in pain Chest wrapped flat to body she, She, SHE Thats what they see They will never see their son
I wish I was a boy with short fluffy hair and a flat chest and a deep voice
You cannot frame the oceans waves.
Forever changing, vibrant blue -- ever-changing into deeper shades of understanding. A never changing struggle between the sand and the water. I am the ocean -- blue.
How am I supposed to react
When inside my own body I feel so trapped I'm expected to be what I present But that doesn't reflect me And this person you see, I've began to resent Her pronouns don't feel like mine And they haven't for a while But changing them has helped over time Sometimes it feels okay Others I can't take it Because how I feel changes day to day The girl you see who wears the skirts Who wears makeup to be confident Isn't a girl at all, and feels like dirt When you call me beautiful I don't know how to feel It feels so unusual My body doesn't feel like mine It belongs to a woman If it didn't maybe I'd feel fine My clothes don't reflect me Neither does my makeup This isn't who I want to be I'm scared I'll never look neutral Maybe you'll always see a girl It just feels so brutal The person you raised Isn't who I grew into I'm a new person today I've never came out But it's because I'm still so unsure And if I told you you'd feel doubt You raised a girl Not someone doesn't feel right A child who'd grow to wear dresses and pearls I was always your princess Never your prince or neither But I've never felt secure in a dress I'll never feel feminine Not how you perceive it But how I feel it is relevant The tiara never fit my head quite right And the long hair felt wrong I wish I could change overnight One day you'll know I'll explain it all to you But until then, I'll continue to grow
You tell me I'm one thing,
But really you're just afraid that I'm something Undefinable. You believe everyone is one or the other, But whats the beauty in that? Maybe one day I'm 'They' The next I'm 'She' Then the day after I'm 'He' Don't suppress me for being Everything. Nothing. And Me.
I am undefinable
What I thought would be easy
Turned out to be a trial. I lay curled up feeling queasy. Frustration, anger. A strong stance. Is it denial in their faces? Am I to give another chance? But as I gaze into your eyes Those soft, warm orbs bring light, A fresh breath. I realise. I shall conform no more That young girl is gone, This will not be like before. Dead is the binary The girl in the mirror, gone. Now I see myself. Finally. Societal chains bear me down Some days I give in. Allow myself to drown In your norms Your dead ways. This strange form Will never fit in, I quickly realise No matter the colour of skin. Yet I gaze in the mirror, I see myself, finally. The world looks clearer.
Pt 2 of Your Binary
******* and your binary
It's always been there But never fit me. I was made to confirm Yet it was never taught. Through bruises, cuts and tears Layers upon layers of guilt. Endless starry nights. In candlelight and incense, Discovery was made. It was built this way. Tears streaming down our eyes, You still question our surprise. ******* and your binary To be queer is to be beautiful. You may choose to look away. They, he, she, ve. Me. ******* and your binary.
There was no rhythm to this as I was writing it, but it is so satisfying to read aloud. Pt 1 of 2.
I know my face is feminine
I know everyone 'knows' I'm a girl I know in this confusing christian society You have to keep to the binary And so I don't expect them To look at me And say "He" But just once Maybe they'll hesitate Before saying "She"
That could be enough