I ask myself what I'm doing here
in a room filled with friends and family
who are strangers sipping on my beer.

I laugh, trying to conceal
the scars as the subject
comes up for why I ignore him.
He is family after all.
My smile begins to fall.

It doesn't matter how old the wound is;
the mere mention of him
makes my mood shift.

"Let the past be the past" they claim. I am.
"What's your problem?" I have none.
Leave me alone.
Three drinks in and there I am, hiding.

Playing my favorite game of hide and seek
when he finds me.
Telling me if I was really quiet
He wouldn't tag me out.
Three years old and I didn't even shout.

I open my eyes when it's over,
unsure of what game this was
when I mention it to my parents.
But who believes the word of a toddler
over a seventeen year old
who has a reason for everything.

No one wants to see the bad or even acknowledge it.
So we make excuses.
"Kids do that. It's a joke. It's exaggerated."
Well, it happened.

No one talks about it as it sits as a lump under the rug.
Everyone tip toes around afraid of the dirt that will come up.
They look at me as if I am the one that caused this pile.
Why because I don't say hi?

I am not mad anymore.
Not mad at how they handled it.
Or how they acknowledge it now only in whispers.
Or even how every time he sees me he runs in the other direction
spewing gossip to try and tear me down.
I am not even mad at myself for staying quiet
or shutting my eyes instead of fighting.

"Let the past be the past," they claim. I am.
"What's your problem?" I have none,
because I am the lotus growing out of the mud
and no one
will ever force me to do anything again.

Not even to say "hi."

I sit on her couch
Sipping *****
from some mixed concoction
Scrolling through the social media experiences
meant to be a self reassurance
of how good we have it
when it’s just so
******* hard.

These little positives accumulated
to remind myself
that even in the midst of my hardest trials,
don't get caught in the failures
but relish in the triumphs.

I don’t even look at the other feeds
so self absorbed
at reminding myself
that each day my hustle
will be rewarded with the ultimate win: love.
But success isn’t love... or a like
and every minute I spend self absorbed on what I don’t have
I miss out
on the minute to minute love
I receive with each interaction
from people I share space with.
Life isn’t a feed.
Life isn’t happiness every day.
Life isn’t measured by the have or have nots.
Life is this moment.
Life is this experience
and the decisions we make in them.

So I closed the phone
and listened
to her
sing.

She wasn’t doing it for the hashtag
or the like
and I listened.

Sipping on my *****,
closing my eyes.
I didn’t care what was seen
as long as she kept sharing
this moment with me.

The feed.

In the sheets of my bed,
I can’t seem to get up.
I am being held there
against my will
as I am flooded
with cravings of you.
I wonder if you will ever be able to satisfy
this continuous hunger.

I’m crashing.
I have chills down my spine
As I flash to that night
Where I was soaring
On top of you.

The withdrawals have kicked in
And my mind can’t seem to turn off.
Up
And
Down
Until I have reached
Euphoria.

I keep blaming you.
Why did you give me that hit?
Just enough to keep me as the beggar
On your corner.
Your prime customer.

But it isn’t your fault.

It is me who is addicted,
to boys afflicted.

I remember
waking up with your blue eyes
staring at me,
an endless ocean of love
I didn’t quite grasp.
Every time you came close,
I couldn’t help
but drown in uncertainty
until those eyes were weathered
by my constant storms.
Wading through a sea of souls,
I often wonder if I will ever
stop seeking those blue eyes.

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep makin' the same mistakes I hear

Not long before I'm under another and I wonder
What I am doin' standing on this pier
While I can't get myself clear

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep making the same mistakes I hear

Every time you tell me you love me, I can't hear
'Cause all I see is this big hole
And I'm consumed by fear
I built this tight cage to avoid you coming near
And I wonder...

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep making the same mistakes I hear

They keep on askin'
Askin' me whats wrong
And all I want to do is fall apart
As I think of your heart beat
While you contemplate which way to move your feet

And we're standin', standin' on this pier
I can tell you're wonderin'

What am I doin' here

What am I doin' here, my dear
We keep making the same mistakes I fear

You’re trouble.
But I can’t seem to stay away.
My heart pounds when I see you.
Beating like a drum
opening the moment for suspense.
As you get closer,
it pounds louder.
And the only thought I can hear
is the one to make yours pound too.

Don't make me miss you.
I am sorry I am a ******* idiot.
Famous last words.
After the fight,
You know what gets me
And provide me a line to catch
When you just need to be released.

A slippery fish flapping through my fingers,
I let go.
After all there are plenty of fish in the sea,
And seldom do prey miss their predator.

I open the door.

You slide in
With that look.

I know what this is,

But my clothes
are already on the floor.


Your skin on mine.

Your lips on my neck.

My legs pull you closer,

Simultaneously building

To our release.


As the water beats down our bodies,

You hold me.

And for the first time,

I feel what it is like to be close to you.
Swaying to the sound of the shower,

I know your body is lying to me,

But I so badly want you to prove me wrong

As I cave in
To that moment
Of hope.

The dam is open.
A flood released.
The sensation is too overwhelming,
I fall clenching my knees.
I am that little girl again,
sobbing
feeling so incredibly alone
reaching for a hand,
any hand
to tell her she is wanted.
I reach deep inside
to hold that little girls hand.
I grab it with fervor.
You are not alone
for I am with you.
You are always wanted
because without you
I couldn’t be the woman I am today.
So sleep soundly,
because of you little girl,
we only need each other.

Each second of your tardiness just emphasizes how much you don't give a ****.

People always claim they want to be free…
Free from their job constraints…
Free of their relationships…
Free of their pressures…
Free to love who they want…
Free to do what they want…
Free to be what they want…
Care free…

What we don’t realize is it is our choices…

Our choices to change,
be content, be present,
to be authentic that allows us to be free.
Freedom is you and everything you want it to be.
So what are you waiting for?
Be free.

We hunt. We chase. We run
like moths to a flame
for the simple glimmer
of a shared love,
but what we are truly attracted to
is chaos.

I use to be envious
of those who say
they don’t fall in love,
of those who can control
their emotions.
But then,
what a colorless life.
I fall as hard as a tree,
every time.
A new face, a new love, a new shade
of sensation that I chase
like butterflies in a meadow.
And when it’s over,
my life feels like a storm of disappointment
only to see the sun peak over the clouds
with hope.
I used to be envious
of those who never dealt with the storms.
But then, they never got to see the sun either.

You would think I knew the difference
between truth and deceit,
but it is one in the same.
A constant grey of everyone’s fluctuating perceptions
of trying to obtain the things they want.

How long did you know I was blood in the water?

As I lie awake, I wonder all the things I missed.
How I was fooled when we kissed.
Every time you spoke of dreams they were hollow.
And my mind kept reeling in imaginary bliss.

How long did you know I was blood in the water?

I wonder if it was the way I bought into your embrace.
Staring each night at the silhouette of your face.
I took each word as proof.
But in the end, it was the truth.
I never really knew you.

How long did you know, I was blood in the water?

I remember this line that sunk into my soul.
You said you needed me to make you whole.
Like what you wanted to shoot through your veins.
I guess thats when I should have known.
You'd only bring me pain.

But all along...
You knew...

I was blood in the water.

Gray skies fill my window.
My heavy eyes open.
Those were the days
When you would hold me
-Wash away
All my doubts.

Even through all the anger
and disappointment,
I still can’t help but get distracted
by the sound of your voice
as the noise
burns through my thighs,
making my mind race
to that night
where all we heard
were breaths
and hearts
pounding.

My legs quiver
at the touch of your mouth
slowly grazing upward.
I surrender
completely
to the weight of your body
and the grasp you have
on my heart.

My head rests on your chest,
listening to the breath that is inhaled
in and out.
Mine just tightens
as I close my eyes and dream
that you loved me.
Hours earlier,
we are locked in sweat and moans.
Your eyes meet mine as you lean forward
and kiss me until I am yours.
You know what you want.
And I whimper in disbelief of the lack of more. "But don't you feel it too?"
You look at me, "of course I feel something.
But not enough to change what I want. And remember I don't fall."
I close my eyes
as I am swept in body heat and caresses.
My heart beats with a hollow sound
that my mind masks
with a dream of your demise.
You don't fall?
Well, I hope you trip as you chase me
when I leave.
But for now, I continue to fall asleep
to the rhythm of your breath
and the fantasy of your affection.

Then, you held my hand.
Enveloped in love and tenderness,
your grip provided the armor I needed
to walk another day.

You think you’re slick
with the games you play
and the charm you think you have.
One moment doting
and the next ignoring
because the depth of your love
is as shallow as a puddle on the ground.
I’ve timed when you come around,
sniffing for the ***** in heat.
A constant merry go round of frustration.
But I have news for you,
the only cycle I am on
is my own.

Your lips.
Your eyes.
Your body.
Your sighs.
Your breath.
My mouth.
My neck.
My thighs.
My head.
My heart.

You’re gone.

I wonder
what it is like to think
clearly,
to focus,
to be free of distraction.
My thoughts are constantly,
interrupted
by your voice,
your touch,
and my memories
of a life that once was
and a dream of what could have been.
Often, my mind wants to lock the door
so you can no longer walk in,
but the hallucinations are too addicting.

It’s raining.
I feel it on my face,
Dripping down
In defeat.
I look up.
I am the leak.
You always said,
I brought in the sun.
I guess you took it with you.

What do you gain from still calling me?
You're so caught up in my perception of you.
It was always about you.
You seem to have it figured out,
Until the dust has settled
And you're left standing
Scared of who you truly are
And what you really want.

I was always the dramatic one.
The crazy one.
But I was the honest one,
Chasing cars and screaming what I believed.
I was fearless.
And now you are standing
Alone
In my tracks
Waiting for the dust to settle.

The grass changes shades
as the light peaks over the clouds.
It shimmers
as it catches each bead of water
on the blades beneath it.
So cold against my feet,
but warming to see a new day awaken.
I often wish we had physical cues
to our cleansing and preparation for each day. However, it is our lives
that reflect the continuous changes
we seek to build.

My heart races as the adrenalin pounds.
A nightmare I pant,
but nothing prepared me for those sounds.
I continue to chant,
It’s not real
As my chest tightens.
I am unable to diminish how I feel.
Sweating and frightened,
I sink under the covers.
Cautiously closing my eyes,
the image still hovers.
It is more than scary chases and cries
Or the voice you lose deep down inside.
This fear is of the monster I am unable to hide.

My bag is tucked in my legs.
They begin to shake as we land.
I grab the handles and as my belly lifts,
I notice that I am fluttering in excitement, anticipation to the upcoming travels.
Love can come in so many forms,
but none is more awakening
than that of adventure.

It’s easy to blame
the parent that was never there.
It’s easy to remember
waiting at the gas station
with a full back pack for a dad who never came.
It’s easy to see
how a girl seeks a love
where she has to prove her worth
because it was never validated
by the one man who should of.

But it is even harder to forgive herself
for being angry
with the mother who was there,
on a single income,
taking the time to raise
the child that he didn’t.

Even though when it came to her love,
she picked the men
who didn’t even want her daughter
because she was a reminder of the past
without them.

It’s hard to accept that mom
was also that same starved girl
looking for a love that was unconditional,
only to find herself in a room full of conditions,
the ones that said “it is either me or her. ”
Only if she realized
that unconditional love
was staring at her calling her mom.

What is hardest is  
she always chose them.

Sitting at the gas station,
twenty years later,
staring at my packed bag,
I wonder why we keep being told
“they are still human.”
But weren’t they still parents?

As the sun rises,
I see the light dance across your face.
You are asleep
And perfect in your imperfection.
Even the shadows of the blinds
Can't darken my view of you.

Blue flowers
blossom freely
bouncing silently
Between fresh blades

Bees fly busily
sensing
Feet
spring forward
beneath
blue skies

Soles
sink firmly
Feeling Blessed
by simple
Flowing breezes

Trouble.
The thing I complain about.
The thing I claim I never want.
The thing that messes with my heart.
The thing that destroys my mind.
The thing that breaks down my ego.
The thing I dream of.
The thing that makes me the fool.

I still feel your lips on mine,
your hands on my hips,
and hear your words
in my head.
All I want to say is
goodbye
and yet,
it’s like you never left.

In between city buildings
Streets filled with crowded bodies,
Loneliness fills my ears like the high pitched frequency of silence.
I sit in my car staring at the landscape of apartments hovering one
on top
of the other

Desolate like a desert of cement.

My body thirsts for contact.
My heart for meaning.

Monarchs come in seasons.
They migrate.
Making journeys so unimaginable
With the the ***** of their tiny wings.

You were the air.
I could feel you everywhere
Even when you were nowhere.

Your attention
Was exhilarating.
Raising the hair on my body
As my heart began to soar.

I was swept in your breeze.
Making the journey
The only one you can make
When you have
butterflies
in your stomach.

But then I remembered butterflies
Those **** butterflies
Only came for the season
Leaving with the current of the wind.

The older I get the more I question whether I have ever truly loved someone.

A year ago, I would have said I did. I stumbled upon this intoxicating feeling of being found. Seen even. ACCEPTED. I saw him as my savior, rescuing me from my demons lurking in the shadows.

It was beautiful the way he looked at me, all knowing. It threw me to my knees. He knelt with me, kissing every indiscretion and ugliness. Praying this would never go away, I willingly surrendered my soul as he sensually sang his love for me.

With each refrain, I found myself converted. Obliviously, giving away my pearls to swine.

Like with every mere mortal, deception is too hard to keep hidden. Shattered with the reality of his facade, all that surrounded me were the demons I was running from.

My fears of his sins confirmed I had been rejected in my most vulnerable state, leaving me with nothing but shame.

A year later, I sometimes think of him and his silver tongue. I think of the flowery lyrics he lured me with and one line. This one line that led me like a lamb to the slaughter, "I would watch grass grow with you, Elisa."

I no longer question why I followed him, because I know.

His soul was broken like mine, just in different places. And as we held each other for redemption, his jagged edges left me bleeding.

Did I ever really love him?

That's the thing with false gods and reckless believers; you love what you think you know: deliverance.

Did I ever really love any of them? Or, did I love the promise of Heaven?

I walk through the doors certain,
My decision determined.
Wishing I still had the keys
to some getaway car,
I lift my head
Just to see open arms
and sunflowers.
Smiles light up the room.
Gratitude for the time I spent,
Blessed at being accepted,
Reminiscent of all the good,
the fulfillment of knowing I will be missed,
Excited at the future I’m headed.
Glad there is no chaotic twist,
I walk out towards my car
And get in.
Unafraid of glancing at the rear view,
I smile and drive forward.

Who is the fool?
We are playing a game.
One of us is it.
Who is it?

I chase you in circles when,
I pin you underneath my thighs
Thrusting myself into self proclaimed
Victory.
But,
you escape.

And now, I am the hunted.
You sneak through open doors
Blinding any semblance
Of a vision
I had to be free.

Free of these games
Free of you

I walk away forfeiting
Only for you to remind me
Of the moments where
I almost
Had you.
And the game starts
Again.

You say the fool is me.
I say the fool is you.

I don’t know who is winning.
I do know
Be careful with a fool.

I'm okay.
You don't need to call today.
I licked my wounds.
It didn't matter anyway.

You told me to find some self respect,
as I cried from your neglect.
And you were right.
Oh, you were right.

I didn't need to put up a fight.
I was gonna be just fine.

So Im fine.
Ya just fine.
Weathered your hurricane and came out the other side.
Trust me, Im fine.

You don't need to call today.
It didn't matter anyway.
You asked me why I didn't let it go,
told me I was a fool and now everybody knows.
And you were right.
Oh, you were so right.

I didn't need to put up a fight.
I was gonna be just fine.

So, don't call today.
We both know it didn't matter anyway.
You asked me to find some self respect.
Now I realize, I have no regrets.
And you were right.
So right.

I didn't need to put up a fight.
I am just fine.