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Elisa Holly Jan 2019
In between city buildings
Streets filled with crowded bodies,
Loneliness fills my ears like the high pitched frequency of silence.
I sit in my car staring at the landscape of apartments hovering one
on top
of the other

Desolate like a desert of cement.

My body thirsts for contact.
My heart for meaning.
New places
Elisa Holly Nov 2018
Monarchs come in seasons.
They migrate.
Making journeys so unimaginable
With the the ***** of their tiny wings.

You were the air.
I could feel you everywhere
Even when you were nowhere.

Your attention
Was exhilarating.
Raising the hair on my body
As my heart began to soar.

I was swept in your breeze.
Making the journey
The only one you can make
When you have
butterflies
in your stomach.

But then I remembered butterflies
Those **** butterflies
Only came for the season
Leaving with the current of the wind.
When it’s just for now.
Elisa Holly Nov 2018
I sit on her couch
Sipping *****
from some mixed concoction
Scrolling through the social media experiences
meant to be a self reassurance
of how good we have it
when it’s just so
******* hard.

These little positives accumulated
to remind myself
that even in the midst of my hardest trials,
don't get caught in the failures
but relish in the triumphs.

I don’t even look at the other feeds
so self absorbed
at reminding myself
that each day my hustle
will be rewarded with the ultimate win: love.
But success isn’t love... or a like
and every minute I spend self absorbed on what I don’t have
I miss out
on the minute to minute love
I receive with each interaction
from people I share space with.
Life isn’t a feed.
Life isn’t happiness every day.
Life isn’t measured by the have or have nots.
Life is this moment.
Life is this experience
and the decisions we make in them.

So I closed the phone
and listened
to her
sing.

She wasn’t doing it for the hashtag
or the like
and I listened.

Sipping on my *****,
closing my eyes.
I didn’t care what was seen
as long as she kept sharing
this moment with me.

The feed.
Social media
Elisa Holly Oct 2018
I walk through the doors certain,
My decision determined.
Wishing I still had the keys
to some getaway car,
I lift my head
Just to see open arms
and sunflowers.
Smiles light up the room.
Gratitude for the time I spent,
Blessed at being accepted,
Reminiscent of all the good,
the fulfillment of knowing I will be missed,
Excited at the future I’m headed.
Glad there is no chaotic twist,
I walk out towards my car
And get in.
Unafraid of glancing at the rear view,
I smile and drive forward.
Every end is a new beginning
Elisa Holly Oct 2018
May you be happy
As you fly across the skies
With her hand in yours
And excitement in your eyes.

May you be happy
With the smell of her dark hair
And butterflies in your stomach
like the fair.

May you be happy
As you take her to meet all those dear
And sing to her
While she dances near.

May you be happy
As her trust builds.

May you be happy
At the heart she fills.

May you be happy.
Elisa Holly Sep 2018
It only took one year
To get over the fear
Of being alone

It was gradual
The way you train animals
At first, I couldn’t stand the silence

In my room, the darkness came
Like a blanket
Of velvet

I would gasp for air
Shaken with the thought of my own mortality
My hands reached for safety

But in that room,
All that remained
Was me

Not your smell
Or the weight of your body on the mattress
Or my memories

I can’t pin point when it happened
I can’t definitively say when I lost the fear
Because I don’t think you ever truly lose fear

Fear shifts to other things
Before I would notice my breath
Alone and fear these moments with myself

But each night
As I grew tired of reaching for a shadow
My eyes began to grow heavy
And my breath would steady

My body would stretch across the bed
Letting go of any boundaries one would have
No longer worried of disturbing another

This bed was mine
This room was mine
This life was mine

And instead of waking with fear of my solace
I began to fear if I would ever trust anything more than the freedom of being alone.
Late night thoughts
Elisa Holly Aug 2018
What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep makin' the same mistakes I hear

Not long before I'm under another and I wonder
What I am doin' standing on this pier
While I can't get myself clear

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep making the same mistakes I hear

Every time you tell me you love me, I can't hear
'Cause all I see is this big hole
And I'm consumed by fear
I built this tight cage to avoid you coming near
And I wonder...

What am I doin'
What am I doin' here, my dear
I keep making the same mistakes I hear

They keep on askin'
Askin' me whats wrong
And all I want to do is fall apart
As I think of your heart beat
While you contemplate which way to move your feet

And we're standin', standin' on this pier
I can tell you're wonderin'

What am I doin' here

What am I doin' here, my dear
We keep making the same mistakes I fear
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