Judges please welcome
your runner-up for the past 17 years!
She has great talents and abilities!
but you judge her on what YOU want.
YOU want to see a sweet, loving girl.
You want one that can juggle 40 different things.
A girl that everyone loves to be around,
One that will do every little thing you want.
I'm sorry judges,
but you can only find girl that in the toy aisle.

A risk is being able to do what you want
even when you know every single consequence.

A risk is climbing a latter
when its only a rope.

A risk is believing in yourself enough to say "I did it!"
even when you're only half way there.

A risk is ducking in the shadows
knowing you'll get caught.


A risk is keeping a promise
when everyone is doing everything they can to break it.

A risk is keeping an open mind while still staying determined.

A risk is NOT waking up everyday and saying "I can and will do this".

That is determination

Determination is waking up every single day and saying "I was meant to do this"

I get more work done
when I'm avoiding other work

Rivers are wet
Dams are hard.
Dams slow and block rivers.
Everyone knows

BUT Other times
Dams make the rivers flow and flow.
It doesn't take much to to evoke a dam
Once its raised
There is no way of stopping the course
But who would want to stop it anyways?

Night after night
Day after day
river keeps the dam working.
dam keeps the river flowing.

Never running dry
Never growing weak
but occasionally reaching a peak.
This is something very few people see


This poem isn't about water and concrete

U for unknown.
You never want to be named.
U for ulterior.
There is so much to you I don't know about.
U for umbrage.
When you get angry or go insane.
U for unassailable.
You will always be a leader.
U for unruly.
No one knows how to control you.
U for unify
Everyone comes together for you.
U for unique.
because you are incomparable.

I hate when I have to tell stories about you
people ask how you were
I get so fired up every time I have to tell someone

I tell them how I was terrified
how you would scream and swear at me almost every night
but all I ever did was give you everything you ever wanted.
night after night I would force myself to keep you happy so you wouldn't yell.
I even had to keep it a secret so I wouldn't loose what I now hold so dear to myself.

after your "incident" you said it was all out of "love"
bull. ****.
You tried to force me to like the things you like
think the way you think
basically change everything that I enjoyed and you despised.

Any time I hear certain words that you've found funny
I immediately tell that person to never say it around me again.
Events that you've found "funny" ******* scared me and all you did was laugh.

Any time you were ******* left out of any ******* joke you pulled me to the side
asking why you were left out.
did you ever figure it was because YOU'RE ******* IMMATURE?

You said that every girl before me left and never supported you.
Maybe they got out of there fast once they realized how you are.

Getting away was the absolute best thing I have done
but almost everyday I have this small outburst of anger
cringing and wanting to tell you to your face how messed up you are.
how much you've messed me up.
you changed, you changed real bad.
everyone is pulling away

all because of you
******* little boy blue

How do you get your mind off things?
Oh, read a book! That's it!
Let's read a sentence, a paragraph, a page.
Can you remember what you read?
Yes? Good!
No? Well welcome to my life.
Every sentence of every paragraph of every page
has brought back a memory or a wondering thought.
Memories and thoughts that clog my brain.
Remembering regrets. thinking of alternative solutions.
Reading over and over again the same words.
Not understanding anything it says.
going into deep thought,
changing emotion left and right.
Not even able to sound out a word
or remember its meaning.
trying to block them out!
I need to stop over thinking!
bringing the book inches from my face
because I can't even remember what a letter sounds like!

My mind is fried with deep thoughts

maybe I'll try reading again tomorrow...

All is calm.
relaxing and re-energizing in the sun.
enjoying the sweet sugar-rich liquid.
With no time to spare,
Enemies zoom by in a flash!
Faster than a bullet
But still able to see its distinct wings.
Flying over again,
Dive bombing, trying to take over.
Both take off into the air soaring all around!
whizzing faster than the speed of light!
Racing high up to the heavens
then plunging to the ground at full force!
but able to pull back at the last second!
gliding swiftly across earth.
shrieks condescend between the two!
As they fight flying over the land
They don't even notice what has happened.
another hummingbird lands
and enjoys the sweet victorious nectar.

the more i try to change myself
my more i see who i really am.
depression kicks in when i try to change.
who i wan't to be is a nice, fun loving person.
BUT I CANT
deep down, I am a dictator.
I need to have control over others.
I need to be able to feel the power!
Knowing that others fear me gives me strength!
but what i really want is for people to feel the way i feel.
yes, I am a dictator to people with less power than me
but i am a slave BY CHOICE to others with more power!
This is my biggest fault!
I CAN'T STAND A FEELING OF DISAPPOINTING SOMEONE!
IT BREAKS MY SPIRIT!
I do everything in my power to reverse it!
This disappointment reflects back into me.
it causes my to want more power.
it causes me to get more out of myself.
I become a stronger dictator on myself.
This drains me to nothing.
The only thing that can restore it is power.
Power over others.
an endless circle of authority.

one will find a problem to solve
one will find a problem to complain about

So what if I wing it?
I'm growing up,
I'll learn.
I can easily make all these decisions on my own.
Just get all the important things done first.
Check up on things and it comes closer.
So what
if people doubt me.
They'll see when I prove them wrong!
easy!

wait

What do you mean?
Why can't I do-
I just thought tha-

well
yes I can see the water slowly
but surely
rising above my head.
A raft will surely come by and same me!
Or someone will pop out at the last minute and sav-

what do you mean I'm alone?
yes, I see this is real life.
yes, I realize how bad this could go.

I feel the winds start to get stronger.
they're starting to hurt my mind.
I'm still sure I'll be fine.

Can I please have some help.
These pains are getting harder to withstand.
no, you don't understa-
I was only winging it a littl-

No, I swear I can fix this!

No, don't tell me
there is no hope.
Why are you telling me this no-
We had all this time!

Yes, I will keep it under control.
No, it is all my fault.
I will sink.
I am sorry.

I tied myself to this anchor
Avoiding all thoughts of doubt
Even though they were plainly there.
Yes, I know you told me this could happen.
I'll take the blame.

Stay safe and dry.
I'll stand in the flash flood.

I am extremely moody right now
I know its going to get worse.

I cant control who I yell at
I cant control when I cry
I cant control what I say
I cant control what I hurt
I cant control where my life is going the next few months

I've started to swear a lot more
and get violent with people.

I've also started to love a lot more
and trust with my heart.

I switch moods in a blink of an eye

If it was like getting a band aid ripped off I would be fine.
But its basically like getting a needle pulled through your body slowly.
it wasn't bad at all at first
now I just want to sleep so I don't hurt anyone.

I just want to stay home
so I don't mess anything up.

It *****, man.
I hate having to move.

I've never seen anything like you.
Someone that works so hard for what he wants
And never gives up on anything.
You’re so loving and daring.
You still have the same energy from when you were a puppy.
I loved when we took our long walks and you pointing everything out.
You’re able to remember everything.
You keep coming back to me and I want to keep you forever.
But sadly I am becoming allergic to you.
Every time I want you to stay, I begin to feel pain.
I know how happy I make you and how you never want to leave me.
And me, I just want to have you by my side till the end of time.
This allergy has been getting stronger and stronger.
I wish it never came up.
You make me smile and laugh and I just want to keep you close to me.
Maybe over the years it will calm down and I can play again.
Until then, know that you will always be
My buddy, my pal, my best friend,
My hunting dog.

I think I would give up the world right now to be able to sketch.
These images appear in my head day and night
making me want to spend hours on end drawing.
Drawing vivid illustrations
The ones that constantly replay in my head.

I want to be able to see some sort
of physical image of me and you.
one that makes the heart melt
one that is lost for words
One that shows
what I see
what I feel

I wish I could explain it.
I can't even put it into words.
these words don't exist!
But I know every single line
of every sketch.

Descriptive words
they make us feel something inside.
Words like "heart pounding"
Can create a feeling of love or fear.
The use of temperature and color can do just the same.
Saying "the warm Sun colored leaves fell onto the sun baked ground"
Will never have the same feeling as "the dull colorless leaves fell onto the cold forgotten ground".

We see so much in words
Things that aren't even there.
Our minds try to fill in blanks with emotions we thing we should feel when we see them.
Our minds create pictures from words.
But the pictures can never be explained with words.

We hang on to words
We do it too much!
we hang on for so long
We forget what they originally ment.
We forget the emotional attachment we had with it.
Whether it's from a lover or friend or enemy.
We cling to words for the wrong reasons!

We can attach to words for power or confidence
We do it for Pease and war
We do it just for hope that someone will feel the same
about one word.
Any word.

Its amazing how fast the world can change.
Its astonishing how something so similar
to a peace corps,
can turn into a firing squad
without even knowing about it.
how it can go from caring and understand,
to demanding and humiliating.
It has grown to extreme to control.
The fear of being shot to death if an argument starts,
and a strong chance you'll never get up.

Something so simple,
that might not even involve you,
can get you taken to the shooting range.
begging for forgiveness
or trying to rebel.
the firing squad knows no mercy.
not any more, anyways.

A man with little to no power
will stay with the peace corps.
will be there with open arms.
A man who demands power
will BE the firing squad.
will be there to break arms.

A man who asks himself the wrong questions.
Asking "why won't the corps help or stay with me ?"
As he continues to demand from others.

selfish. selfish man.

Why doesn't he ask himself the honest question:
"why did I leave?"

Don’t ever trust her!
She’s using you.
And when she’s done-
All you’ll have is bite marks and pain.
She’s a cobra on the inside.
She keeps her friends too close.
If they ever find out what she really is,
She figures it out and pounces at them.
Bite mark after bite mark.
Venom stuns the bodies of victims past.
Some say she mimics the emotions of others;
To find out how to bring them in.
But never fall for this.
For you will be just another meal.

How can you be happy
if mom isn't happy?

Those couples on TV
That never look like they would be together
End up being together season after season
Laughing and crying
Loving and loopy
Late nights and early mornings
Sarcasm and seriousness
Give a helping hand when it's needed
Look back laughing about the times they messed up
But never letting it hurt what really matters.
That's my life.
That's my long distance sitcom

Do you ever change your character?
Do you ever change when you talk or listen?
I have. I do.
I change every time I interact.
I don't know who I am.
I can't even control it.
I'm influenced too easily.
I have to talk to same way as them.
I have to laugh, hear, smell, breath, THINK the same way.
I have no true character.
I change too much.
I'm a splatter paint picture of a character.
But none of the paint shows my true colors.

Though my existence is very minute compared to others,
my mind is unrestrained and limitless.
My thoughts are inspired
by even the smallest speck of dust
to the largest of the universes.
It is able to imprison the deepest of secrets,
but able to reminisce the most distant memory.
No one else has the capability to see what I see,
to remember what I remember;
to the most minuscule detail.
From the day I am born till the day I leave this earth.

This may sound serene;
however there is a constant crusade with my other half.
To indicate what is correct and what is erroneous.
Occasionally, neither can respond to the problem at hand.
Then the ground is neutral
till something changes in the outside world.

But this inner world is permanently in control.
No other power of government or enemy
can break in and create a new dictatorship.
No soul can relive what I relive in my mind
each and every day.
Nothing has the force to eliminate
what I've seen or done.
No power can absorb my multifaceted emotions.
As long as I live,
my mind is secure,
and will always be protected.

If you asked me the question:
“what’s the one thing you want to do before you die?”
I’d say I want to meet the cat who lives outside.
The cat that meows day and night.
The cat that keeps his face out of sight.
The one that will cause the biggest commotion
But will look with wonder and aw with the most precious notion.
The kitty that yells out that people aren't clean.
Meowing at everything but is never seen.
The one who hisses when he doesn't know I’m listening.
I can’t help but listen to the things he knew.
It’s the only thing I have the power to do.
The very few times I've seen him,
He never looks the same.
I don’t know what he looks like
I only know his name.
I wish I knew the way he appears
The way he laughs, or cries, or stressed, or in fear.
All I can do is guess from what I hear.
He talks about leaving.
So long I would be grieving.
Places too far away for me to see him.
Too far for me to do anything.
He might look at me and be grim.
But all I ask for is a chance
A chance see who that cat really is.

White man said it is time to be the best.
Be the best, that's funny.
He says "we need to make this country great again"
White man said to grow the economy for the people.
But when he says "people" he means the whites
And by "economy" me means opportunity.
Oh the racism that grows in this country.
Oh the rage and hatred that continues to build from other countries, races, cultures, ethnic groups.
But the white man said we will solve this problems with bombs.
What he meant was our military vs. their innocent citizens.
White man said we need things more American,
I wish there was actually an explanation for what that means anymore.

America: the land of opportunity...for the white man

Do you ever get so frustrated in a situation
because you know you are right
but because society is the way it is
you are considered wrong?

Do you ever get blamed for something
you didn't do
just because society is the way it is?

Do you ever want to get people to change something
but they're scared of being judged
just because society is the way it is?

Do you ever want to make yourself happy
but can't
because society is the way it is.

Do you ever just
wish it wasn't the way it is?

I protect you from bear traps
It seems like you've pushed me into a few.
But I've gotten better and I've forgiven you.
But you still get injured from tripping over twigs.
I've taken the blame because its what I'm use to.
Why won't you grow up and take care of yourself.
You stumble and fall too easily.

You have so many opportunities
but you act like you have none.
I try
I really do
to point them out.
But all you want to do is be
a toddler and play and wait
for everything to come to you.

like it has all your life.

I'm starting to realize something.
I'm losing hope in you.
I see no reason why I am still helping you.
You're not even trying!
Be a freaking man!
YOU have two feet
YOU have two hands
Take some responsibility
and stop thinking everyone will forgive you when you ***** up
The world isn't out to get you
but it definitely leave you behind if you let it.

You're gonna fall a lot,
but I don't feel like sticking around to help you heal
after tripping over air.
I've been around for it too many times.
I don't even see anything in it for me
anymore.
I have too many wounds to take care of on my own anyways.

Come to me when you've finally felt the gut wrenching pains from the bear traps
and be able to get through it on your own.

But I know you won't.
You will just keep tripping over twigs
and blaming the world for your cuts.

To all the kids who want to "grow up":
Please don't.
Stay in your snow globe
Where nothing can hurt you
and everything is peaceful.
Stop trying to break the glass that protects you.
Everything you hear about the world is true,
it's a horrible place where you have nothing
and get blamed for everything.
Just keep shaking the globe,
Everything goes back to normal.
Once you shatter the globe,
It's over.
There's no going back.
You're no longer a kid.
The slow moving snow drifting down to you
Is replaced with lighting fast fireballs.
Sure, there's a million times more freedom.
But there is nothing protecting you from
Others with the same right.
Everything becomes a memory.
The glass stuck in your feet,
Is the only memory you can keep.

you say that all blacks are bad
you say they all do drugs and **** people
you say they cant be trusted
you say that kids will be confused with mixed race parents
you say it makes people look horrible if they are seen with a colored person

you make no sense

have you seen the news?
read the paper?
you see whites doing horrible
if not worse things.
but yet you only point a finder at the colored

you just don't see it

So what if races are mixed?
another persons feeling and emotions do not affect you
If they are content then let them be
There is nothing wrong with it

Colored families have just as many ups and downs as a white family
but yet they are not seen as civilized people.
just a color, not a person.

So why are they still seen as "different"?
why do you have double standards?
Why can't you see a person's character and adjudicate that.
Stop being so dense and prejudice!
You know for a fact that whites are causing as much disorder to the world as colored.
Stop trying to protect yourself from a color!

unlock your senses to what you believe is virtuous! Do not lock yourselves away thinking that everything is alright or that it will figure itself out! Stand up to what you know is unacceptable! Do not wait for the next man to stand up for you because he is thinking you'll do the same! Stand up for your family, stand up for your neighbor, and stand up for your nation!

(up to date info:)
you said the last time would be the final
that if it ever happened again
to just leave
you said it wouldn't be worth coming back
over and over
just to get myself hurt again.

But yet you are clinging to the times
the times when I agreed just
so I wouldn't get anguished.

I was afraid
I was scared
I didn't want to disappoint you.

But now
now I have grown.
Now I see that
I don't have to keep you happy.
that I was starving myself just to meet your needs

I'm no longer scared.
I will not give in.
I will not say that I am sorry.

I will give you one thing
and one thing only.

advice:

what you have is a broken heart.
the pain will never go away.
it will keep you up for years
it will make you rage
it will make you starve
it will drain you physically, mentally, and emotionally.
knowing that if you did something different
changed the smallest things
changed a few of the lease meaningful things
how much of a happier ending you would have.
you will beat yourself up everyday.
BUT you will move on little by little.
You will meet other people
that will love and cherish you.
Who will love every aspect of you.
But my love and trust for you were neglected too much.
Too much for me to ever have them again.

"why are you so sad? School is almost out!"

that's the problem.

Fighting
day and night.
That's all we ever do.
We try to break each other's necks with our teeth.
I do it to stand up for one thing or another.
You do it to show you're in control.
RAGING. CLAWING, BARKING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS!
We rip faces off, but why!
We use to trust one another
WHY DID THAT STOP?
Why do we want to **** each other every night!
But hours late expect to be normal again.
WE HAVE TURNED INTO WOLVES!
We have changed into blood thirsty animals!

I dread the historic day.
The day when the tables turn,
And we are side by side.
But no words will be said.
No feelings will be felt or shown.
There is a new glass between us.
It is something that changes you.
I needed you to help me with my war,
To help me with what was going to happen.
To control the beat.
But no.
A war broke out between us and both sides are fighting.
But neither yell.
Neither hit.
We do nothing but wait.
Wait for the historic day.

You've made it to a safe spot in life.
Great job keep it up.
This right here is the calm before the storm.
The eye of the hurricane.
The only safe spot.
The only place to recap.
Tomorrow will be 30 times harder.
the day after will be 60 times.
So now you have only two choices:
try to run away with fear,
or run head first striking fear.
You don't need a plan,
but there is one thing you NEED to remember.
there is NO turning back once you jump in.
Once you light one fuse, they all go off.
So walk, run, jump, clime, and crawl your way through.
Make allies and make enemies.
I'll see you on the other side for the next battle.

Being a teenager is weird.
people expect you to know what you're doing,
but claim that you have no experience to do anything.
When we are 13 and 14
we think 17 and 18 will be the best years of our lives.
We think we will know everything,
drive everywhere,
and have no worries on an open road.

The truth is,
its a field of landmines.
Stressing about every little action.
Wondering if we will be accepted
by our friends, our family, and colleges.
Not being able to sleep at night,
forgetting to eat,
wanting to just walk away from everything.
It is the worse emotional roller coaster of your life.
And the very worse part is,
everyone else older than you went through it,
but they think you have it easy.