Hyperventilating
Gasping for air
Lightheaded
My faint whispers
"Help me"
My bedroom door opens
My mother walks in
"Morgan"
Her annoyed tone is ringing
in my ears
I hear the door close again
She left me
I feel abandoned
And I lay there
All alone
More whispers escape my lips
"Why? Why? Why?"
I needed someone in that moment
I needed comfort
Yet all I feel is emptiness

"Are you ok?"
I hear them ask
"Yeah"
I reply
My voice
Subconsciously growing higher pitched
So that I sound fine
So that I sound happy

But truth is
Most of the time I'm not ok
I hide my pain
I'm not too sure why
Usually I just don't feel like talking about it
Discussing hard topics

I want help
I need help
Yet I always reject it

It's funny how rejection works
It hurt me so badly
When it came from someone else
And yet I reject all the time
And once again I'm the one that's hurt
Because I lie
Over and over again
"I'm fine"

But I know I'm not fine
I wonder if other people know too
If they just pretend to believe me
Or maybe I'm such a good actress
That no one can tell

I want help
I need help
I know I need help
It's not normal to be contemplating death
And yet I can't find it in me to tell someone
I feel so depressed
That I don't feel like talking
To anyone

Maybe one day
I'll find it in me to tell the truth

"Are you ok?"

"No"

Depression is like a bottomless pit
Once you fall in
You can almost never get out

You claw at the walls of the deep hole
Using all of your strength
To climb to the surface
The effort is grueling
But you have a spark of hope
That you're strong enough

But a stone falls from above
Catching you off guard
And you fall once again
Landing ******* the cold floor
Right back where you started

Your body is weak and exhausted
The attempt to save yourself
Is taking its toll
You lie on your back
Gazing up at the light
Coming from the entrance of the chasm
But you are too weary to try again
So you lay there
As your hope fades away

I throw my memories into the fireplace
Like crumpled pieces of paper
I watch as they start to burn
As I start to forget the past
But suddenly
The fire is out
The flames burn no longer
And the pieces of paper
Are left untouched

I used to fly
Free as a bird
With no fear of falling

But now I am bound by chains
I have plunged into eternal captivity
Held prisoner by my own mind

A far away memory,
Whispering in my ear,
A quiet spirit,
Begging me to hear.

A fallen soldier,
In the midst of war,
Screams in cold agony,
And longs to be warm.

She is left there,
Dying all alone,
She cries in the silence,
And dreams of being home.

I walk along a path,
I hear her silent tears,
I run to her aid,
As her end draws near.

She looks up with her eyes,
I wipe tears from her face,
I bandage all her wounds,
She smiles as we embrace.

Some time seems to pass,
Her cuts not fully healed,
But she's doing so much better,
Than she was that fateful year.

I once had a flame
Flickering inside of me
Warming my heart

But the flame was blown out
By cold lips
I am no longer warm
I am cold and numb
The dreary darkness consumes me

I grab a lighter
Frantically trying to bring it back
But there is no use
The light is gone
The warmth is gone
I have gone cold

An iridescent glow
A whisper from the dead
Longing to be heard
Distant screams
Cold breath grazing my neck
The agonizing shrieks grow louder
Howling winds
Rustling leaves
Something is behind me
Something is following me
Lurking in the night
The noise is deafening
It's overwhelming
Overstimulating
"I can't do this"
And then suddenly
It is calm
Quiet
Peaceful
And all that I am left with
Is crippling paranoia

They say pain is temporary
But how long will it hurt?

It's a neverending cycle

Pain
Sadness
Suffering

And when everything starts to get better
When the pain starts to cease
You burn yourself all over again

How long will it hurt?

My soul is a lacuna
An empty void
Filled with nothingness

It's hallow and dark
The cold walls
Covered in cobwebs and mildew

And I search
Far and wide
To find the missing piece

The missing piece
That will fill my lacuna
And make me complete again

Let's pretend that I'm perfect
That I'm beautiful
That I'm happy
Let's pretend that I don't cry
In the shower late at night
That I'm not lonely
That I'm not scared
Let's pretend that I'm not broken
That I don't hate everything
That everything isn't always my fault
Let's pretend
That everything will be ok

My life is good
Right?

I have a father
Smart
Kind
A provider for our family
I have a mother
Loving
Hardworking
Someone who will always be here for me
I have a sister
Talented
Hilarious
My best friend

I have a roof over my head
Clothes on my body
Food in my stomach

I have electronics for my entertainment
Friends who I can talk to
Two adorable dogs
Who never fail to put a smile on my face

I have everything I need to be happy
So why aren't I?

Dry your tears little girl
For no one can see you cry
Wipe your sadness away
You can smile all you want
But eyes don't lie
So dry your tears little girl
For you are not
A little girl anymore

A lowly caterpillar
Inching her way to a leaf
She spins her chrysalis
The sun rises and sets many times
But she does not see it
Because she has hidden herself away
In her cocoon
But finally
She begins to emerge
And she is no longer a lowly caterpillar
She has grown wings and can fly away
To a better reality

My face like a canvas
And I am the artist
I grab my paintbrush
Dipping it in the paint on my pallet
I bring the bristles up to my lips
And I begin my masterpiece
Painting on a beautiful smile
For all to see
But no matter how realistic my art looks
The smile will always be a painting

Engulfed in flames
The inferno consumes me
Dancing across my body
In a dangerous ballet

My skin
Charred and melting
As I incinerate
Until I am nothing more
Than a pile of ashes

But suddenly
I rise
Up from the ashes
Not letting anything hinder me

I sit on a dusty shelf.
The days go by,
And I watch the children play.
I am sad and alone.

But one day,
A child notices me.
They notice my beauty and elegance.
They carefully carry me down from the shelf.
I now have a friend.

Months pass.
I spend time with my friend every day.
But suddenly,
They drop me on the ground.
My fragile glass skin is cracked.
I am broken.
My friend sees my shattered state,
But they do not care.
I am no longer beautiful in their eyes.
They leave me there.
I am alone again.

I hope the reflection in my mirror
Is happy
I hope she has lots of friends
And that she smiles with her eyes

I hope the reflection in my mirror
Knows she's worthy
I hope she doesn't lay in bed
For hours at a time
Sad and unmotivated

I hope the reflection in my mirror
Is confident
I hope she is brave enough
To start a conversation
And that she isn't too scared
To leave her home

I hope the reflection in my mirror
Never gives up
I hope that she can see
A future for herself
And that she never loses hope in me
Because I haven't lost hope in her

Sitting in the passenger seat
Driving down the highway
Cars passing us at the speed of light
The music fills the car
The sweet melodies
Creating vivid images in my mind
The figures dance across my vision
Like I'm watching a movie
I want to stay
In this trance like state forever
But then my mother speaks
And her voice breaks my reverie

October 21, 2008
My birthday
As a kid I was always so excited
I had a list of everything
That I desired for my special day
But now I'm turning sixteen
I don't know what I want
I don't know who I am
And for the first time
I could care less if my birthday came
Or if it just passed me by
Like everyone else in this cruel world
I feel lost
Broken
I want to go back
To when things were simpler
I just want to be a kid again

The Smiling Man smiles day after day
Hardly getting any sleep
When night falls in his bed he'll lay
And he then begins to weep

Most days there's no life in his eyes.
No words on his tongue.
No thoughts in his mind.
No breath in his lungs.

He is but a mere carcass
Of what once was
His body is cold and lifeless
Flies swarm around him in an annoying buzz

His limbs are stiff
And so is his face
That smile still on his lips
His body stuck in one place

But when the sun falls
He begins to cry
His sobs echo through the halls
As he questions "Why?"

For despite his smile
He is not happy
Instead he feels vile
And his vision is blurry

The Smiling Man smiles day after day
Perhaps it is for the best
For it must always be this way
Even after his inevitable death

Poetry is the window to my soul
The key to my vault
The telescope to my planet

My soul is a brick wall
Heavily fortified
And unbreakable
My mind is a vault
Keeping my thoughts and secrets Locked safely away
My heart is a planet
That can only be seen clearly
Through the right lens

My life is like a challenging riddle
And poetry is the answer to it all