the best part starts
when i left you that note
not trying to push on any blame
not trying to say that you never meant anything
but i began to fall apart
and looking into the mirror began to do me no good
the longer i was with you,
the more i lost myself
and it wasn't your fault
that i became too consumed with you
and again, it wasn't your fault
that i lost myself within you
if you can love someone too much
then i loved you too much
maybe there wasn't any "healthy" way to love you
so i have to love you now from afar
for my sake and yours
but mostly for mine
because i miss myself
and all of the pieces i lost trying to love you too much
i couldn't keep dying
just trying to even hold your hand

so the best part starts
when i left you that note
and i went down to the river, alone
for hours, just by myself
finding myself
burying you
and it was lonely, hell it was
but i loved too hard
now i'll do it from afar

we didn't have a honeymoon phase
you did
i didn't

if you can't stand up for me
then you don't deserve to stand next to me

you didn't fall in love with me
you fell in love with me because i happened to be the only one there

i thought that you may come by
to see if i'm all right
i disappeared without a trace
or were you too busy to notice?
this night is far too dark
and it's echoing loneliness too loudly
i thought that you may stop by
to see if i'm all right
but since you haven't asked,
here's my unheard reply,
no, i am not all right

why is it
whenever i
love someone
i lose myself
entirely in them
no room left
for love
for myself
i become too consumed
on loving them
so who is going to
love me?

every night
when i walk home
my eyes pierce through the dark
hoping to see you walking, too
towards me
under the streetlights
but you never are

why are words so important?

because everything that you write
is an imprint of your life

you wonder why your fist bleeds
as i stand across from you with ****** teeth
and your only concern
is why your knuckles feel so raw
as my teeth fall at your feet, shattering
i am the one who was hurt
left to the pain, fed to the wolves
and yet you are the one crying
for your damaged skin
wondering, wondering, oh -
how dare you hurt me like this!

my chest
is a balloon
filled with empty air
that is waiting
and waiting
to eventually burst
and i fear
the aftermath
of how much
i am feeling nothing
yet everything
all at once

it's that stupid small smile you give
when i am in pain
that makes me want to rip off your face

so here's to our new hearts
here's to our new start
here's to saying goodbye
to our ugly past which caused our wreck
here's to our new and purer love
here's to us -
because it always
must be
us

you said goodbye again tonight
not for the first time
as i was staring at you from across the room
****** ****** ringing inside of my head
yet all i could do
is remain silent

i would never say goodbye to you
yet for you -
it is so easy to say to me

this is me giving up
this is me surrendering
this is me saying i was never your worth
this is me finally leaving
to give you what you want
this is me in defeat
this is me saying that you were right all along
that i was the **** of the earth
and i had you always looking for so much more

am i doing this right?
is this how love is supposed to feel?

your body is dead cold
but in my mind
it is warm and alive

today i had someone call me crazy
when they noticed the scars which ravaged up and down my arms
i couldn't say anything, except just think -
so hurting makes me crazy?
the stupidity of how people toss that word around so carelessly
i was never "crazy"
my scars remain as reminders of a past hurt
of a terrible thing i no longer feel the urge to do to myself anymore

so before you label me "crazy"
look at yourself and your ugly thoughts
and how cruel you must be to demean a survivor of their own horrendous thoughts

the space where you lay
has been too frightfully empty lately

anything
that we do
now
no longer
matters
if it isn't
with each other

because i know that when i crawl into bed beside you as sleep soundly takes over you, the warmth that i feel with my body pressed against yours feels like home, and i know that this is where i want to be for forever
by your side, the warmth, the love, i know i can find nowhere else

locked up inside of loneliness
and here i thought you were my key

"there will be so many others"
but i have already found you
the idea of others is dead to me -
why would i so easily
give up on a life
which i want with mine for eternity?

it may have been so crass of me
but i decided that no one who is not you
wasn't worth my time
i have no time for others to spend
you are my only one until the end

"oh, just shoot me in the head,"
her voice was laced with weariness and defeat,
"it would feel like the same thing, the way you're treating me."

and it's just
i don't mean to push everyone away
i just never seem to have the right words to say
(i really, really don't want anyone to leave,
you all mean so, so, ******* much to me -)
because i wish everyone would stay
as much as i want them to
but it never seems to work out that way
and i'm not entirely sure why
things become as they are
and why nothing seems to ever grow
but i'm so scared
so ******* scared
of being alone
so please, i beg, stay
stay and stay and stay
sometimes i am this way
and i don't mean to push you all away
so someone, even just one, please
stay

tossed you out of my mind tonight
you no longer exist
within any parameter or neuron
and i am trying to be okay with that

all of this poetry i have for you and us inside of my head

while you only have whispers and meaningless stutters

who loves whom ‘more’?

you smoke too much
you drink too much
you cry too much
you laugh too much
you forget too much

but sometimes
you need a night
where you do everything
too much

today i discovered that the rates for suicide are higher than those for homicides. people want to **** themselves more than they desire to **** another. there are homicidal maniacs running amok - hellbent on ending another human life. while the number of individuals who are hellbent on ending the only life they possess, excels.
death is everywhere, and unending. and inevitable. yet preventable.
i paused and felt heavy inside of my heart, the millions of lives that were taken on their own free will.

i would leave home for days
no one would ever ask where i was at
it began to feel as if i could just disappear
without a sound, without a word
no one would come searching for me
maybe that's why i've become so obsessed
with this idea of dying

got out of bed
made a friend
a walk down the street
it was only me

That's the beauty of life
Sometimes you detoriate and die
Sometimes you thrive

because there was no one else
and i can't even help myself

i am drained
so drained
so very drained
i cannot seem to find
solace
within a single thing
i am so drained
just let me lay
don't speak
your words have done
enough already

we have closed conversations and then forget everything that we said
words we hide and store away, in the back of our heads
that none of this never, ever happened
but we know the truth behind these masks
and the desire to feel that it was entirely real, even if it was only that moment

her laugh was cold.
"i know he doesn't care about me. and the worst part is, i know it, but i can't seem to walk away. i'm sitting here feeling sad for myself for this mess i choose to stay in. and i only have myself to blame."
her smile was small and sad.
"love... it does crazy things."

you ripped my heart out
and you kept it for yourself
you tried giving it back to me
piece by piece
so that you could see
just how badly i wanted you
it was a ******* game
which you gained pleasure from
when all i screamed for when it was all over
was for my heart back
broken or whole
yet you kept control
and i am the one feeding your own heart
with this now hollow chest
and gauging emptiness you left

i don't want to have a face
and i don't want to have a name
i want to crumble away
i want to be free of this brain
i want to forget all that was, and is
i want to cease to exist
so that i may live

i am so exhausted by consistently loving you while you inconsistently "love" me

i would lay in bed most nights and think a lot. it happened when i was wondering what the hell i was doing. why i was still here. i thought of every last terrible thing i allowed others to do to me. how i forgave, again and again. how much hurt i further allowed. how deeply i knew that i was being treated badly but i still chose to not walk away.
i wanted to hug myself. i wanted to sob. i broke my own heart more than others ever had for me. it took me so long to realize how emotionally unattached i truly was from myself. how not one drop of self-love existed. except on these nights, when the full realization would hit me, and i would weep for myself. over every last terrible thing i endured and accepted. the future mistreating i was currently allowing, and would allow to continue.
i lived in such shadow of myself that it took years to realize i was good. that though i hate myself, i never deserved any of that. i am good.
i lay here some nights with burning eyes and wetness upon my cheeks. breaking my own heart over and over thinking of everything. knowing i still don't have the strength to completely walk away. is this how i am going to live? in constant emotional turmoil and self-inflicted abuse? is this all i am? all that i ever have been? am i just going to remain miserable, allowing them to keep hurting me?
i wanted to hug myself. i began to somewhat love myself, i guess. no one will ever break your heart as much as yourself.

being
a good person
when you don't want to be
good
is easier
than being mean
even though
your blood is
boiling

when you told me that i broke your heart
i could only laugh and tell you that you are sadly mistaken
because i don't have the power to invoke that much sorrow inside of someone
when you are no one, you remain unseen and unfelt
to yourself, and everyone else

i did not break your heart
because i am not the type of person to be stricken over

my head hurts
in a way
that ******* gross aspirin cannot fix
i can still taste the overdose
in the back of my throat
the pits of my
aching stomach
trying to expel
its chalky white substance
my head hurts
i'm too traumatized by
"pills"
fix me, ******* magically fix me
please

time ticking
the countdown of our love
the expiration date
the end of the book
the end of a good song
the end of you and i, and us

it's funny,
when we met
i told you that i don't judge
that i don't label
because it never is my place to
because people
need to make
those judgments themselves

it's funny,
the night i found myself
screaming at you
that you are an alcoholic
and all of my pretty words became ugly
but that was the only solace i could find
for the ways you beat me down
with your poison liquid
and i knew, i knew
how true it was
how it always was

i have this bad case of emotional abuse
honestly, all it does for me is serve to amuse
because have you ever let something so stupid happen?
all you can do is laugh at yourself for allowing it
i am the one hurting myself -
you you you
you've given me a bad case of emotional abuse
(and i let you)

i exist
or did you forget?

'i do not desire you, anymore'
like a closed door
you berated and left me alone
to wither within a passion
i felt was the sun
apparently -
you were too cold

your head is a very deep well
let me swim
let me drown

my mind is rapid,
too rapid
because you keep running around me in circles
over and over and over