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8.4k · Sep 2019
Death
Jack Torrance Sep 2019
Today I’ll ponder,
on these scars.
Tonight I’ll wish,
upon a star.

Tomorrow may bring,
another wound,
but wounds can heal,
if treated soon.

Yesterday,
I thought of death,
and felt the wind,
sigh with his breath.

Not today,
he whispered clear,
perhaps tomorrow,
but do not fear.

In the end,
he comes to all.
The weak, the strong,
the big and small.

He’s timeless and constant,
Death’s always “been”,
and he has no pity,
foe or friend.

He’ll lead me on,
to the unknown,
giving me the thing,
he can never own.

So I will not fear him,
and I shall not fret.
For tomorrow,
has not happened yet.
Death comes to us all.
3.6k · Sep 2018
Why would you leave me
Jack Torrance Sep 2018
How could you leave me so unexpected?
I was waiting, I was waiting
For you but you just left me
I needed you, I needed you
Yo, I don't know what it's like to be addicted to *****
But I do know what it's like to be a witness it kills
You told me you love me, I'm thinking this isn't real
I think of you when I get a whiff of that cigarette smell, yeah
Welcome to the bottom of hell
They say pain is a prison, let me out of my cell
You say you proud of me, but you don't know me that well
Sit in my room, tears running down my face and I yell
Into my pillowcases, you say you coming to get me
Then call me a minute later just to tell me you not, I'm humiliated
I'm in a room with a parent that I don't barely know
Some lady in the corner watching us, while she taking notes
I don't get it dad, don't you want to watch your baby boy grow?
I guess that ***** is more important, all you have to say is no
But you won't do it will you? You gon' keep drinking 'til the ***** kills you
I know you gone but I can still feel you
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me here?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Oh, Hey
I got this picture in my room and it kills me
But I don't need a picture of my dad, I need the real thing
Now a relationship is something we won't ever have
Why do I feel like I lost something that I never had?
You shoulda been there when I graduated
Told me you love me and congratulations
Instead you left me at the window waiting
Where you at dad? I was too young to understand where you at huh?
Yeah, I know that alcohol  got you held captive
I can see it in your eyes, its got your mind captured
Some say it's fun to get the high but I am not laughing
What you don't realise and what you not grasping
That I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand
I ain't gon' say that I forgive you cause it hasn't happened
I thought that maybe I feel better as time passes
If you really cared for me, then where you at then?
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Hey
Our last conversation, you and I sat in the living room
Playing our video games, you started slurring and I broke down in front of you
You started crying, telling me this isn't you
Couple weeks later, guess you were singing a different tune
You Drank that ***** for the last time, didn't you?
It took you from me once, guess It came back to finish you
Crying my eyes out in the studio is difficult
Music is the only place that I can go to speak to you
It took everything inside of me to not scream at your funeral
Sitting in my chair, that person talking was pitiful
I wish you were here dad but every time I picture you
All I feel is pain, I hate the way I remember you
They found you on the floor, I could tell that you felt hollow
Gave everything you had plus your life to those jack bottles
You gave everything you had plus your life to them jack bottles
Don't know if you hear me or not, but if you still watching why
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Hey
Custom version of NFS why would you leave us
2.7k · Apr 2018
The Empty Feeling
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling,
a human emotion.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is coming home,
and no one is there.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is laying awake,
with no one beside you.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is having no one,
no one to love.

What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling,
a broken heart and soul.

I'm lonely...
2.0k · Oct 2018
Delirium Tremens pt. 1
Jack Torrance Oct 2018
Staring at the ceiling,
what the hell is this feeling?
I can’t make up my mind,
of what’s real and what’s fake.

If I’m not dreaming,
then who is that screaming?
No one seems to hear it,
so that’s a mistake.

In front of the mirror,
and all I see is me,
but the me that I see,
is not who he seems to be.

Something’s not right,
in the little details,
in the colors and smells,
this is not re-al-i-ty.

I can see movement,
in the corner of my eyes,
something alive,
that’s not there when I look.

It’s like I’m in between worlds,
where time doesn’t exist,
the soundless abyss,
being dragged down by a hook.

This detox is different,
something is wrong,
I knew all along,
but that brings no relief.

This panic, is manic,
now I’m feeling frantic,
how can a person,
forget to breathe?

It’s feels like the weight,
on my shoulders has lifted,
but it’s only shifted,
and been placed on my chest.

My mind has grown muddy,
and I got nothing left,
fighting and struggling,
for every breath.

Clutching at myself,
as the tremors start.
Is it my heart?
Bring in the crash cart.

I hear someone say,
“place this under your tongue,
let it dissolve and don’t chew”,
but my tongue has gone numb.

I watch the walls bend,
and then I start to scream.
I’d like to believe it’s a dream,
but I’m not that dumb.

I can hear ambulance sirens,
so distant, and close,
but I’ve gone morose,
all I feel is the pain.

Houston, are you there?
All connections are down,
I can’t hear a sound,
I think I’ve gone insane.
1.9k · Feb 2019
How many?
Jack Torrance Feb 2019
How many days have you spent,
and how many days has it been?
How many days have you went,
without eating,
focused on breathing,
trying to make this make sense?

How many pill bottles did you sink,
and how many bottles did you drink?
How many hours did you think,
about the ending,
wrote a message without sending,
looking at the bottom, standing on the brink?

How many times have you heard,
that what you’re doing’s absurd?
Opening your mouth without forming words,
addicted to addiction,
an addict who is itchin,
listening to the voices who are constantly stirred.

How many drinks will it take,
until your body finally breaks?
How do you get rid of the shakes?
Constantly feeling,
but never dealing,
hopefully you’re here to see the daybreak.
1.9k · Apr 2018
Stitches (Shawn Mendes)
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
I thought,
that I've been hurt before,
but no one's ever,
left me quite this sore.

Your words cut deeper,
than a knife.
Now I need someone,
to breathe me back to life.

Got a feeling that I'm going under,
but I know that I'll make it out alive.
If I quit calling you my lover,
move on.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees,
and now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches.

I'm tripping over myself,
arching, begging you to come help,
and now that I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches.

Just like a moth,
drawn to a flame.
Oh you lured me in,
I couldn't sense the pain.

Your bitter heart cold to the touch,
now I'm gonna reap what I sow.
I'm left seeing red on my own.

Got a feeling that I'm going under,
but I know that I'll make it out alive.
If I quit calling you my lover,
Move on.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees.

And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches.

I'm tripping over myself,
Aching,
begging you to come help.
And now that I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
ginna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
gonna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head,
needle and the thread,
gonna wind up dead.

Needle and the thread,
gotta get you out of my head, get you out of my head.

You watch me,
bleed until I can't breathe.
I'm shaking,
falling onto my knees (falling on my knees).

And now that,
I'm without your kisses,
I'll be needing stitches (and I'll be needing stitches)
I'm tripping over myself
Aching begging you to come help (begging baby please)
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Lyrics from Shawn Mendes - Stitches
1.7k · Aug 2018
Someone call the Doctor
Jack Torrance Aug 2018
Someone call the Doctor,
because something’s amiss.
The darkness descended,
and there’s just the abyss.

Tell him, that maybe,
a paradox formed.
That up, is now right,
and that demons have swarmed.

Tell him, please tell him,
that we need the blue box.
We need his courage,
to turn back the clock.

I know the moment,
the exact time it went wrong,
but I can’t do it alone,
I’ve done that too long.

If we just had the Doctor,
we could set things to right.
We could change that moment,
and bring back the light.

I know he’s not coming,
and that he’s not real.
It’s just wishful writing,
to push back my fears.

A hero, a savior,
someone who knows all.
Someone who isn’t me,
that could stop the slow fall.

A blue box, a Doctor,
a moment in time.
A villain, so empty,
writing silly rhymes.

A paradox, truly,
that doesn’t make sense.
Can a villain turn hero,
if he shows recompense?

I guess we shall see,
but I won’t hold my breath.
I’ll wait for the Doctor,
or I’ll just wait for Death.
1.5k · Apr 2018
Dr. Jekyll, please hide
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
Paging Dr. Jekyll ,
he’s gotten lose again.
No, no casualties yet,
just a long trail of sin.

Yes, we understand,
control’s not the issue.
I think it’s time for drastic measures,
yes, you know what to do.

What do you mean,
he’s part of your mind?
It doesn’t matter at this point,
he’s too dangerous alive.

**** him dear friend,
or the blood’s on your hands.
He’s hurting people,
and that simply won’t stand.

He’s a monster, a freak,
you’re much better off.
There will be side affects,
but nothing’s gained without loss.

Hello? Dr. Jekyll?
Are you there? Is it done?
Oh God Dr. Jekyll,
what have you done?
1.4k · Apr 2018
In My Blood (Shawn Mendes)
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something,
I could take to ease my mind slowly.

Just have a drink and you'll feel better.
Just take her home and you'll feel better.
Keep telling me that it gets better.

Does it ever?

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
no medicine is strong enough,
someone help me.

I'm crawling in my skin.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

It isn't in my blood.

I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious.
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this.
I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh.

Is there somebody who could Help me?
It’s like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
no medicine is strong enough.

Someone help me.

I'm crawling in my skin.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood.

It isn't in my blood.

I need somebody now,
I need somebody now.
Someone to help me out,
I need somebody now.

Help me, it's like the walls are caving in.
Sometimes I feel like giving up,
but I just can't.

It isn't in my blood,
It isn't in my blood,
It isn't in my blood.

I need somebody now,
It isn't in my blood.
I need somebody now.



It isn't in my blood.
Lyrics from the song In my blood, by Shawn Mendes.
1.4k · Sep 2019
The other guy
Jack Torrance Sep 2019
This ****’s been going on,
for far too long.
It took me talking to him,
to know something was wrong.

It started as a whisper,
so quiet and weak.
I could force it to silence,
without having to speak.

Then my mind and body,
started to waste.
He started to gorge,
and fell in love with the taste.

My slow decline,
was the foothold he needed,
and his tendrils grew,
where I didn’t know they were seeded.

His control grew bigger,
till it shadowed my mind,
and the whiskey fog I was in,
had simply turned me blind.

Then one day I was through,
enough was enough.
I was going to take control,
I had to be tough.

That was the first time,
that he spoke to me,
and that “no” was enough,
to finally make me see.

I tried and I tried,
again and again,
crying through his laughter,
trying to pour him out through a pen.

He was poison,
like a cancer you see.
He was killing us both,
but everyone just blamed me.

Then one day I realized,
I couldn’t get rid of that voice.
To do that meant death,
and that wasn’t a choice.

He’s a part of me,
but disconnected too.
A bystander to the hell,
that he’s putting me through.

Now every day is a struggle,
to quiet his voice.
Trying to convince myself,
that I do have a choice.

So he’s here to stay,
the monkey on my back.
The ominous stranger,
who calls himself, Jack.
We all have that voice, some are stronger than others.
1.2k · Nov 2018
Me thinks
Jack Torrance Nov 2018
What is your obsession,
with writing depression?
Just forget about it,
and try to move on.

A therapy session?!
That’s out of the question.
You’re perfectly fine,
if you do that, I’m gone.

Anti-depressants are bad,
you saw what happened to dad,
Do you want to be like a zombie,
now that’s crazy to me.

There’s no reason to be sad,
and I understand that your mad,
but there is key elements here,
that you refuse to see.

I may just be a voice,
but I do have a choice,
and I’m not the problem,
cause I’m basically you.

Alright fine, I get it,
God you sound pathetic,
blaming all your problems,
on what’s in your head.

You want to be sane,
and forget all your pain,
but it’s what makes you you,
so embrace it and move on.

You cannot erase me,
so let’s just let it be.
I can help you get through this,
together, just us.

Alright, put down the pill,
and tell me how you feel.
Oh man I feel weird,
what the **** have you done....
1.1k · Jun 2018
The End of Pain
Jack Torrance Jun 2018
I never knew,
it could hurt this much.
Feeling so lost,
and so out of touch.

I break the surface,
but get pulled back down.
My will to struggle,
fights my desire to drown.

Every day, it's tortured thoughts,
of memories we made.
Now I know, that they're all false,
and my sanity simply fades.

So now the question is the gun or pills,
the razor blade or rope?
Each day, the idea makes more sense,
as I'm slowly losing hope.

If I could just be thrown away,
what use could I be?
And if I see you with him,
I'll lose my sanity.

The dreams are the worst.
because they're still happy you see.
For just a moment, when I wake up,
you're still lying next to me.

Then the walls, come crashing down,
and the memories rush in.
I have to relive everything,
again, and again, and again.

Then it's once again the gun or pills,
the rope or razor blade,
as I traverse the life we built,
and the emptiness you made.

This could be purgatory,
or it really could be hell,
but if there is a difference,
then I simply cannot tell.

I just want the pain to end,
no matter what it takes,
because no one should have to live,
feeling they're a mistake.

I simply can't take it,
my heart hurts inside my chest.
I tried to be a good man,
but I failed to do my best.

So now it's just a choice,
I just have to choose the way.
I've finally found some happiness,
cause this pain will end today.

I'm Sorry
This is a poem that I wrote two years ago today.  Time healed what it could, but the scars are still here.
1.1k · Dec 2020
Self medicating
Jack Torrance Dec 2020
Seven years ago,
that’s when the problems began.
I started self medicating,
with a Tennessee brand.

At the top I had it all,
married with two kids.
I was finally in six figures,
when the **** began to skid.

Love had grown cold,
and became an abyss.
A couple of drinks to ease the stress,
but I felt ice in every kiss.

It became a routine,
when you simply shut down.
The drinks helped me forget,
but they also helped me drown.

Then one day we were strangers,
who were sharing a life.
I didn’t recognize the woman,
who I had asked to be my wife.

Then came the eruption,
and the stones were cast.
The family tore apart,
and WE became past.

Fast forward a year,
and I’m being let go.
The company’s closing,
and I’ve nothing to show.

Then goes the house,
and the car that we owned.
Everything is stripped now,
and I’m down to the bone.

Self medication,
is what helps the pain.
You were cheating the whole time,
and now you’re with what’s his name.

Now the medication,
is what’s causing the pain.
I’m trying to stop,
but I’m stuck in this lane.

Self medication,
self destruction in disguise.
Hospital visits,
simply wanting to die.

Looking back now,
it was a nightmare it seems.
One I couldn’t wake from,
that still haunts my dreams.

I wasn’t an alcoholic,
I had a mental breakdown.
I used the alcohol,
so I could help myself drown.

It took a long time,
and I’m still healing slow.
But hell came to earth,
and I was part of the show.

So forgive yourself,
and try to move on.
Let go of that pain,
and realize that it’s gone.

If you’re trying to forget,
then you’re lying to yourself.
So do yourself a favor,
and put the bottle on the shelf.
1.1k · Jan 2020
Ecstasy
Jack Torrance Jan 2020
Panting and moaning,
your breath in my ear.
Running my hands,
over fabric so sheer.
The touch of your skin,
so warm and smooth.
Exploring your curves.
and every groove.
You’re biting my lip,
while I pull your hair.
gasping and sweating,
but neither of us care.
Silky and soft,
my fingers explore.
You grind against me,
like waves in a shore.
Grabbing your hips,
you match my pace.
Kissing me deeply,
enjoying the taste.
Harder and harder,
both holding our breath.
The ****** finally comes,
as I’m deep in your depth.
You’re clawing and scratching,
your nails down my back,
and screaming my name,
begging me “please Jack”.
Now we’re breathing hard,
and you shudder under me.
Enjoying the moment,
of pure ecstasy.
906 · Nov 2019
Detox and relapse
Jack Torrance Nov 2019
This anxiety,
is making me anxious.
Feeding itself,
until it becomes dangerous.

It’s PTSD,
of some varying degree.
Each startup and failure,
taking its toll on me.

The inability to remember,
the pain and the fear.
Forgetting the scars,
that should be so clear.

The voice in your head,
reassuring you.
Saying this time will be different,
when you know it’s not true.

Louder and louder,
till it starts to scream.
Your anxiety grows,
and splits at the seam.

Then you give in,
letting go at last.
The voice takes control,
and repeats the past.

Another, another!!
It screams in a growl.
More, more!!
A predator on the prowl.

Then it is gone,
and you’re just floating there.
Trying to make sense of things,
trying to be aware.

Then it all crashes down,
and you’re drowning in hate.
You’re full of self loathing,
and memories that exacerbate.

Now the long road ahead,
seems to have no end.
Your chest hurts so bad,
and the tremors set in.

You can’t eat or sleep,
so you traumatize your brain.
You’re scared you might die,
but you’re more scared of the pain.

Four days and you’re better,
but the memories end.
Then that tiny voice,
starts to whisper again.

Over and over,
rinse and repeat.
Slowly killing yourself,
for a small fix of heat.
842 · Jun 2018
Addiction
Jack Torrance Jun 2018
ad·dic·tion
əˈdikSH(ə)n/Submit
noun
the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.


Step back a second,
before you judge,
and let me tell you the facts,
of addiction to drugs.

People think it’s clear cut,
that you chose to be an addict.
That the bottle, or needle,
is just some kind of tick.

They don’t know the fear,
when you’re not in control.
When you’re crying, while using,
and it’s ripping you’re soul.

They don’t know the feeling,
when you start to hide it away.
It’s a secret, I’m fine,
just another day.

They can’t see the battle,
of you versus your mind.
When you’re scared you might die,
but you try to act fine.

They don’t know the feeling,
when you know that they know,
and they don’t say a thing,
as you watch their disappointment grow.

They don’t know you slept,
on the bathroom floor,
passed out from your drug,
because you shut the door.

They don’t see,
you pushing your sides.
Checking your organs,
hoping today you won’t die.

Your fingernails are pink,
thats healthy right?
You don’t have a problem,
your eyes are still bright.

Who are you fooling,
they see the weight loss.
They know somethings wrong,
but it’s a bridge they won’t cross.

Now your on your own,
fighting your own brain,
trying your best to stop,
but you’re going insane.

Your addiction has won,
and you still try to fight.
That’s what no one sees,
is that you never lost sight.

That voice in your head,
that person you used to be,
has been drowned out,
by that addictive personality.

You want to apologize,
to simply beg for help,
but the shame stops you,
because you just blame yourself.

You didn’t choose to be this,
and you wish to take it back,
but you don’t think they’ll believe you,
because they can’t see the cracks.

Please don’t judge me,
I don’t want this at all.
I wish you understood,
that I’m against the wall.

I want my life back,
I want it to go away.
I never wanted to disappoint,
I didn’t want to be afraid.

Help me.


If you are having addiction struggles, I urge you to contact the helpline 1-888-508-4193.  There is no shame in admitting you need help with something you cannot control. I wish the best for you all.
828 · Sep 2018
Rinse and repeat
Jack Torrance Sep 2018
7AM

My head’s filled with glass,
as the sunlight streams in.
My mouth’s like the desert,
as I groan “never again”.

I fight to sit up,
and my stomach protests.
I swallow back *****,
and it’s almost a success.

I sprint to the bathroom,
and flick on the light,
barely making the toilet,
as the tears blur my sight.

Now I stare in the mirror,
through bloodshot eyes,
splashing water on my face,
as I try not to cry.

Today will be different,
I promise myself.
No drinking today,
the bottle stays on the shelf.

12PM

The aspirin has helped,
along with the food.
Just one beer with lunch,
to lighten the mood.

Besides, says my brain,
you’re more normal this way.
It’ll help you relax,
so just have one, whatcha say?
                    
6PM

The beers took the edge off,
and now I’m more fun.
I’ll just take one shot,
just one, then I’m done.

12AM

The room won’t stop spinning,
and the bottle’s all gone.
My hand is bleeding,
what the hell’s going on?

I stumble off walls,
trying to stay on my feet.
I finally fall into bed,
now, rinse and repeat.
An old poem I found today
827 · Apr 2018
Elizabeth
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
My name is Elizabeth,
and you think you know me.
You've seen me every day,
since the year I turned three.

I am quiet, and reserved,
and smarter than most,
but my quiet demeanor,
turns me into a ghost.

I'm easily forgotten,
with all the ruckus and noise.
The laughing and shouting,
from the other girls and boys.

If I could speak up,
I'd tell you the truth.
I'd tell you he's lying,
about how I got this bruise.

If I wasn't so afraid,
to tell you my side,
then maybe you'd help me,
if you knew that he lied.

He says it's my fault,
that he has to teach me like this,
but I know better now,
that you don't teach with fists.

He teaches mommy too,
and she's afraid just like me,
but she still hides the marks,
so that no one will see.

I would love to make friends,
to run, laugh, and play.
But all the kids tease me,
for acting this way.

Maybe if you taught words,
like neglect, and abuse.
Then I'd know it was wrong,
and wouldn't be so confused.

But today I'll stay quiet,
just like mommy said.
Even though she was crying,
and her eyes were all red.

Daddy tells us he loves us,
that we're his princess, and queen.
But the brown bottle stuff,
makes him angry and mean.

Maybe if I took the brown bottle,
and poured it down the sink.
Then daddy would be happy,
and be able to think.

It won't hurt to try,
I'll do it after school.
Then maybe daddy can love us,
without being so cruel.

My name is Elizabeth,
and I stay out of sight.
I'm too scared to tell you,
but if you asked me, I might.
814 · Apr 2018
Taboo
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
****, messy,
exquisitely wet.
A soft moan escapes you,
as our lips met.
Slide my hand up your shirt,
to the small of your back.
Your muscles are tense,
the night is so black.
I pull you in close,
my other hand in your hair.
You grind hard against me,
moaning at what’s there.
This is wrong, and we know it,
so wrong, it’s taboo.
We can stop it right here,
but neither one of us do.
Now your hand is clutching,
and it’s like fire now.
We’re ripping, and tearing,
like animals on the prowl.
There are climaxes,
too many to count.
We’re gasping, and panting,
and both screaming out.
We’re using each other,
like we knew that we would.
It’s so ******* wrong,
but it’s so ******* good.
The guilt can come later,
as well as the shame.
But not while I’m inside you,
not while your screaming my name.
774 · Sep 2018
Stories
Jack Torrance Sep 2018
Looking back on these pages,
I can’t help but see,
this outlet I’m using,
is not helping me.

I used to use poetry,
to clear out my thoughts,
to “pour out the poison”,
when I was distraught.

Lately, however,
it’s changed in some way.
That feeling of peace,
has been replaced with dismay.

I would pour out a rhyme,
and the pain would recede,
but now the water grows deeper,
and I simply can’t breathe.

I look around lately,
and this feels like a dream.
It’s like nothing is real,
just “simulated reality”.

Going through the motions,
but there has to be more,
there has to be substance,
but where is the shore?

How do I stop from drowning,
when I’m creating the waves?
Fighting to stay afloat,
and trying to act brave.

I guess the simple answer is,
is it’s not simple at all.
I have to keep trying,
if I can’t walk then I’ll crawl.

**** all the whining,
the excuses too,
because I’m in this alone,
and I know what to do.

I won’t give up easy,
and if I should fail,
then at least I’ll know I tried,
to open my sail.

So here’s to the future,
and a heart I hope mends,
but even if it doesn’t,
we’re all just stories in the end.
770 · Jun 2019
Awakening
Jack Torrance Jun 2019
Today I woke up,
and I realized,
that I hadn’t been sleeping,
and was grief paralyzed.

All that had happened,
all the ****** up nightmares,
all the loathing and anguish,
were all laid out and bare.

It took me a second,
to finally find my breath,
and when I did, I screamed,
and simply wished for death.

Take it away,
the agony that I feel,
I cannot bear this,
there’s no way to heal.

There was no answer,
as I lay on the ground.
No yes or no,
absolutely no sound.

I finally thought,
enough is enough.
I’ll fix it myself,
all the things I ****** up.

But before I do,
I’ll fix myself,
because you can’t fix what’s broken,
with something broken itself.

Today I start with me,
and I took a footstep.
One followed another,
even though I still wept.

I never looked back,
so I didn’t see,
what I left behind,
on the ground, was me.
760 · Sep 2019
Bestie
Jack Torrance Sep 2019
“I don’t know what to do”,
she says quietly.
“I know it sounds paranoid,
but he’s following me.”

“I talked to his sister,
she said he’s out of state.
Supposedly in Ohio,
cause he needed a break.”

“But no one’s heard from him,
since I got the P.O.
He always said they were useless,
just false safety for show.”

“Well of course he isn’t,
he left this last night.
He has the only spare key,
and I know I locked up tight.”

“I’ve never seen that picture,
but I still have that dress.
He bought it for me,
and it’s the one he liked best.”

“But turn it over,
and look what he wrote.
It’s ******* filthy,
that part about *******.”

“I’m just really scared,
because I know he’s watching.
I constantly have the feeling,
someone’s following me.”

“Would you do me a favor,
and stay with me tonight?
I probably won’t sleep,
but if you’re there I might.”

“Thank you so much,
you are such a great friend.
Just having a man there,
makes a difference in the end.”

“I’ll see you tonight,
thank you so much again.
He always hated you,
even though we’re just friends.”
.
.
.
.
I watch out the window,
as she climbs in her car.
She doesn’t suspect it’s me,
at least not so far.

She didn’t ask why I was sweating,
or see the dirt under my nails.
Thank God she was upset,
and didn’t notice the smell.

I keep watching,
till she drives away,
touching myself,
as I play out the day.

She was right about one thing,
he’s still around,
but he won’t leave my basement,
once he’s in the ground.

Maybe I’ll get lucky,
and she’ll wear the dress.
He did have good taste,
cause it’s the one I liked best.
This is a piece I wrote for a “stalker” challenge.
703 · Feb 2020
Saying is believing
Jack Torrance Feb 2020
Today was a bad day,
and tomorrow will be too.
Yesterday was tragic,
and I don’t know what to do.

Every time I try,
I slip further away,
and even though I’m standing,
I just want to lay down today.

Lay among the pebbles,
and simply forget everything.
Till I wither away to nothing,
and my body’s claimed by spring.

Actions have consequences,
so why shouldn’t mine as well?
Why shouldn’t I just give in,
and make my way to hell.

Everything I see,
is ruined by my touch,
till I’m left in the ashes,
and it simply is too much.

Too much hurt,
and too much pain,
causing both,
with so much shame.

I am always sorry,
in my head and in my heart.
Now my engine is broken,
and has simply blown apart.

What the **** has happened,
to the man I used to be?
Which voice do I listen to,
when it’s speaking to me.

I just want some peace,
and for all of this to go away.
So I guess I’ve given up,
and there’s nothing more to say.
700 · May 2018
Ghost
Jack Torrance May 2018
Today I saw a ghost,
and didn’t know just how to act.
I sat and stared, so unprepared,
for a fiction that’s a fact.

It came out of nowhere,
and caught me so off guard.
I froze in place, the look on my face,
both terrified and hard.

He should be dead, at least I thought,
he died so long ago.
So why the hell, for heavens sake,
should he now decide to show?

I buried him, with my own hands,
I scooped the dirt myself.
I didn’t want to, trust me now,
that chapter was on the shelf.

Mr. nice guy, oh so cool,
such an understanding guy.
If you only knew, that there were two,
then you would know just why.

Today I saw myself,
the part I thought had died.
Now I don’t know, just we’re he went,
but I wonder why he lied.
Jack Torrance Dec 2019
Giddy with excitement,
she fumbles with her keys.
As the key slides home,
she grows weak in the knees.

She’s waited so long,
and it’s finally come.
She spent a small fortune,
and the thing weighs a ton.

She pushes in the package,
starting to sweat,
and suddenly realizes,
her ******* are wet.

She slides a finger inside her,
and lets out a moan,
trembling slightly,
all the way to the bone.

Gathering herself,
she locks the door tight,
and forces herself to calm down,
gathering all her might.

Getting down on her knees,
she opens the box,
brushing away the packing,
like styrofoam rocks.

When she sees his face,
she sits up *****.
He is so lifelike,
and anatomically correct.

Reaching into the box,
she caresses his face.
He’s so beautifully sculpted,
not a thing out of place.

Then she runs her hands,
down his chest to his groin,
caressing his ****,
feeling the warmth in her *****.

It’s bigger than expected,
as long as her forearm.
The biggest she’s had,
but this raises no alarm.

Taking her time,
she arranges him on the bed.
Even laying a pillow,
under his head.

Running fingers through his hair,
she begins to undress.
Doing it slowly,
cause slowly is best.

He’s more than a doll,
more than plastic parts.
He will never hurt her,
or break her heart.

She crawls on all fours,
in between his thighs,
running her fingers over him,
as she stares into his eyes.

Then she fills her mouth,
******* gently at first,
and then she fills her throat,
trying to quench her thirst.

She’s dripping now,
so exquisitely wet,
and moaning deeply,
like a good little pet.

The doll lays still,
as she mounts it slow.
She’s lost in her pleasure,
as something brushes her toe.

She opens her eyes,
as a hand grabs her throat,
and another her breast,
her vision starting to float.

She struggles for air,
and feels a ****** as it moves,
and a soft moan escapes it,
as the blackness consumes.

Bucking and fighting,
she claws at its face,
but it simply slides deeper,
and quickens its pace.

She stares down into eyes,
that are filled with life,
and features so sharp,
as to be carved by a knife.

It’s beauty is gone,
simply melted away,
seeming to flow freely,
as if made from soft clay.

As her vision fades,
it moves inside her,
whispering “my princess”,
in a soft little purr.
658 · Apr 2020
The top of Hells bottom
Jack Torrance Apr 2020
I stopped falling today,
and I’m finally free.
I reached the bottom,
where it’s too dark to see.

Panic and fear,
no longer have hold.
The anxiety’s gone,
all that’s left is the cold.

Now I can focus,
on the climb that’s ahead.
But for now I’m content,
that I’m alive and not dead.

The pain that I held,
deep inside me so long,
is finally receding,
as I accept all my wrongs.

No more tears or shame,
they can’t reach me anymore.
No more hateful thoughts,
waking up on the floor.

Now I know I can do this,
I just need find my feet.
But for now I’ll just lay here,
where hell and bottom meet.
551 · Nov 2018
Inevitable
Jack Torrance Nov 2018
Inevitable,
such a strange word.
Impossible,
now that sounds absurd.

Meaning nothing I do,
or say will bring change.
I can tell by your look,
that it’s true, although strange.

Inevitable,
the word of the day.
Impossible,
guess there’s nothing to say...
541 · Apr 2018
The Little Voice
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
You’ll only have one,
just one, and that’s it.

                                                            ­                            No, I don’t want it,
                                                             ­                                 I’m done, I quit!

Of course you want it,
cmon, only one.
Besides, you’re much funnier,
and way more fun.

                                                           ­                        I know that’s not true,
                                                           ­                      and it’s killing us slow.
                                                           ­               I don’t want it, please stop,
                                                           ­                                 go away, just go!

Where would I go?
Let’s not talk nonsense.
Just one drink man,
you deserve it my friend.

                                                        ­                          How can you say that?
                                                           ­                            You’re a part of me.
                                                             ­            You know one turns to two,
                                                            ­                      and two turns to three.

Nah, not this time,
this time isn’t the same.
Just have one man,
cmon, for old times.








There ya go......
How about just one more?
496 · Apr 2018
Jack
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
You’ve already taken,
all that I had.
My ambition, my drive,
even my dreams have turned bad.

I can’t keep doing this,
you're killing me ya know.
It took a long time to realize,
I was out of control.

I thought you were helping,
at first it was fun.
You helped me relax,
but I have to be done.

Some days I don’t miss you,
and others it’s hell.
I wish I could forget you,
but I miss your smell.

How can you be so seductive,
and dangerous too?
And why don’t I seem normal,
unless I have you?

Today is bad,
I need you I think.
My brain won’t shut up,
and sanity’s on the brink.

You intoxicate me,
you literally do.
I’m wasting away though,
and that’s literal too.

So please stay away,
and get out of my head.
Let me live my life,
without so much dread.

Today’s a bad day,
I’ll try to be strong.
I think I can do it,
but I don’t know for how long.
Jack won....
490 · Apr 2018
The Little Girl
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
She sits all alone,
on a small wooden chair.
Lost and confused,
wishing someone would care.

So many homes,
in just the last year.
Her little heart breaks,
as her eyes fill with tears.

All that she wants,
is a place to call home.
With someone to love her,
and parents of her own.

She doesn't mean to act up,
but she just gets so scared.
By the looks and the stares,
from the children she's paired.

She doesn't have any friends,
and she's to young for school.
Just a scared little girl,
on a small wooden stool...
487 · Aug 2018
Forgotten Days
Jack Torrance Aug 2018
Last night I saw a shooting star,
and it made me think of you.
Brilliant white, and trailing light,
against a sky of purple blue.

I wonder if you saw it,
and if it made you think of me.
I wonder if you smiled,
as it burned, and ceased to be.

I wonder if you made a wish,
and what that wish could be.
I know it's wishful thinking,
but did it involve me?

Sorry, I know, I'm just wondering,
you probably missed it anyways.
I'll  still hold on to my wish though,
of long forgotten days...
477 · Aug 2020
Self hate
Jack Torrance Aug 2020
I’m wearing a smile,
but the smile’s a lie.
I’m holding back tears,
but my eyes remain dry.

They say the way to the soul,
is seen through the eyes,
but if that is the truth,
then you can see my soul’s died.

I’m emotionally weak,
but too stubborn to break.
I scream at myself,
for being so ******* fake.

No one would know,
how broken I am.
Lying is my art form,
and self hatred’s my jam.

How can you love yourself,
when you hate who you are?
Hiding behind falseness,
like skin behind scars.

Maybe one day,
this disguise will explode.
Then you’ll see the real me,
and my world will implode.

Till then it’s my secret,
between me and myself.
So just look at my smile,
and ignore everything else.
460 · Apr 2018
Do you “Love love” me?
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
I asked you a question,
but you ignored what I said.
Choosing to belittle,
and ridicule instead.

Anything,
is better,
than nothing,
at all.

The question was serious,
and I know you knew that.
I shouldn’t have put it out there,
but now I can’t take it back.

I laid awake,
imagining your answer.
A million scenarios ran,
each one better.

I built it up,
like I always do.
The picket fence dream,
with the rocking chairs too.

What I didn’t expect,
was a change of subject.
I realize now,
that’s a form of reject.

I’m sorry for asking,
for putting you on the spot,
but you could have just told me,
instead, you did not.
451 · Apr 2018
Mother
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
Since the day I was born,
you have always been there.
Showing me love,
showing me that you care.

You have watched me grow up,
into the man that I am.
You taught me my manners,
to say ''please'' and ''yes maam''.

It has been a long road,
it's been curved and rough,
but you always stick by me,
and you never give up.

So now I’m thinking back,
to when I was so small.
With you watching Godzilla,
and the cyclops in Krull.

Laughing hysterically,
at the mangy king kong.
Hiding my face in your shirt,
when chucky did wrong.

The hours and hours,
of pitching skills taught,
and the bruises and swellings,
that each lesson brought.

So many memories,
that you have given to me,
and an outlook on life,
that few others can see.

You are the mother,
every child wishes for.
The one I show tears to,
my best friend and more.

So to the mother I love,
I just wanted to say,
that you've made me so proud,
to be your son every day...
I wrote this for my mother on mother’s day a few years back, she is the best mom in the world.
434 · Apr 2018
Untethered
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
Untethered,
that’s the best way to describe it.
That feeling of floating,
and sinking too.

The world seeming unreal,
like the colors are wrong.
Simulated reality,
where the nights are too long.

Going through the motions,
and not caring at all.
An outsider,
who’s on the outside, of outside.

Catching yourself,
staring off into space,
wondering if someone noticed,
realizing no one’s there to see.

Those days,
you forget to remember,
are somehow worse,
than the days you remember to forget.

That horrifying realization,
when even your brain doesn’t care.
When it simply says “whatever”,
like you’re giving up on you.

These days don’t last,
they never do,
but they are terrifying,
when it’s only you.

You don’t want anyone to worry,
don’t want them to see,
the pain, the fear, the nothing,
that you sometimes become.

If someone could just take that rope,
and tie it down tight.
Bring the colors back,
and chase away the night.

Someone to ask,
if you’re really ok.
Someone you could trust,
to say “no, not today”.

Someone you could look at,
and simply let go and break.
Someone who wanted to give,
instead of just take.

Someone who knew,
and wouldn’t tell you to stand,
but would simply lay with you,
and tether you back to land.

So, “no, not today”,
but maybe tomorrow.
Today I am floating,
and there’s only the sorrow.
427 · Jan 2019
Goodbye Hate
Jack Torrance Jan 2019
I’ve held onto this too long,
and it’s killing me inside.
The self-entitled *******,
that we selfishly call pride.

My every waking moment,
every irrational thought,
every time that I blamed others,
for what my decisions brought.

Ya I have a problem,
and everyone’s seen,
but that is no excuse,
for the way that I have been.

I’ve been a harborer of hate,
till my cup overflowed.
I invited hell in,
and if you knew me then it showed.

I shut myself off,
and told myself that no one cares.
I stopped worrying bout others,
and stayed out of their affairs.

I was selfish, and stupid,
thinking only of me,
till the poison turned inwards,
on the me I used to be.

I’ve never hated someone,
so much as what I’d become.
The hypocritical *******,
of all that I’d done.

I know it might be too late,
but I still have to try,
because if the poison remains,
then I’m going to die.

I can finally see clearly,
and maybe that’s fate.
Either way I’ll find out,
so goodbye hate.
415 · Nov 2018
Hologram
Jack Torrance Nov 2018
Underneath the cold moon
In the parking lot I told you
Didn't even know you would take back the hours we wasted
We're frozen in the headlights
We're slipping on the black ice
We're shooting not to act nice
Blood in the air, I could taste it

So I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You played me like a musical
Said ignorance is beautiful
I found out through a mutual
The night you said that you went home
You tricked me with the dude I know the wrong

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kiddin
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Double yellow lines like
Slipping in the black night
I'm losing all my lifelines
Never thought you could erase them

This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
Ya I just came to witness it
And leave here with no fingerprints
This world is full of hypocrites and ******* claiming innocence
We always want to be the prince, but it’s incestuous

You said you wouldn't
But you did it
Why you lying?
I ain't kidding
Hands numb, can't feel
This love's not real
Now I'm finding
Your handwriting
'Cross the ceiling
Close my eyes and say, "How'd I get here?"
This love's not real

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears baby won't stop ringing
My ears, yeah, they won't stop ringing
Cold sweat, shaking with the fever dream
Go back to the same crime scene
Now my ears ya they won't stop ringing

I lost touch with who I am
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram
This castle is made of sand
I am just a hollow man
In love with a hologram

Clean me in your river
You can wash me with your water
Purify me till I shiver
Cause I've been seeing ghosts
Is this me finally losing you
Or an optical illusion?
Every beat I make is unfinished
And every song I write is ill conceived
When all the cities fade and they diminish
Will anyone remember you and me?
A song written and performed by the band 3oh3!
401 · Apr 2018
Awkward
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
What is that sound?
tick tick, tick tock.
It’s really quite odd,
I don’t own a clock.

It’s ninety one past thirteen,
wait, that can’t be right.
Time for another pill,
medicinal light.

Just smile, and nod,
until your cheeks hurt.
Now laugh, pull it back,
compliment their new shirt.

It’s orange, no it’s red,
**** what is that hue?
What do you mean it’s white?
It’s ******* pastel blue.

Now throw out a joke,
and some proper context.
Good job, you failed,
like an impotent sext.

You’re talking too loud,
oh Jesus, shut up.
How much have you drank?
Really? One cup?!

Finger guns now,
and a smooth exit we go.
Ya that wasn’t awkward,
you nailed it, fo sho.
399 · Sep 2018
Bottom
Jack Torrance Sep 2018
You struggle to stand,
hell you struggle to sit.
You give everything you have,
but it’s the bottom of the pit.

And then comes the point,
when you simply lay back.
You stare at the ceiling,
And you simply lose track.

Of the hours, the days, yourself,
and your loves.
You wish it would just simply end,
and you pray to above.

“God, I am broken,
and I think it went far enough.”
“I know that it’s shameful,
but I simply can’t get up.”

I know you could heal me,
and fix me if you try,
but the damage is done,
so please let me die.

Let my dad remember,
his son before this,
and let my momma remember,
her little boys kiss.

Let my son remember,
the daddy I was,
his best friend and hero,
who towered above.

I’m just tired right now,
of trudging through hell,
and I try to stand up,
but there’s nothing left in the well.

I’m so tired, so tired,
so it’s now in your hands,
either leave me on this floor,
or help me to stand.

If you leave me, then I’ll understand,
I’ll understand that you did what you can.
Just promise me this, and then I’ll give up,
please sure my son turns into a good man.

Thank you
384 · Apr 2018
Help Me
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
Listen to my story,
and you might think twice before,
you proceed to judge me,
and show me to the door.

If you only knew the fear,
and the courage this took,
maybe then you would listen,
and give me a second look.

An alcoholic father,
who puts his hands on me,
is what I come home to,
everyday at three-fifteen.

A mother who blames me,
for the abuse that I recieve.
Never raising a finger,
to pack me up and leave.

A day full of insults,
as I walk through the halls,
and a foot in the aisles,
and laughter when I fall.

I never learned morals,
through all of my abuse,
nor the love of a parent,
so what is your excuse?

Does it make you feel better,
to make me feel small?
To just keep on pushing,
until I break down and bawl.

I never asked for this life,
for this heartache and shame.
I have enough problems,
without being your game.

I can cover up the bruises,
with second-hand clothes,
and I can walk with my head down,
so the guilt doesn't show.

But I can't ignore the fear,
that lives within me.
The fear of going home,
of how bad today will be.

I'm asking for help,
and for someone to stand.
For someone to listen,
and do what they can.

I understand rules,
and just how they work.
But why do the rules,
neglect someone who's hurt?

You can see all the bruises,
the scars and the burns.
Each one a lesson,
daddy thought I should learn.

So don't look at me,
as if I'm burdening you.
Because you only know a little,
of what I've been through.

I'm begging for help,
and for you to save me.
So please be my hero,
before three-fifteen.
379 · Apr 2018
Missing Piece
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
I was walking a tunnel,
so cold and alone.
With no light to guide me,
no way to be shown.

I walked, and I walked,
for days upon nights.
Just a long empty tunnel,
with no end in sight.

That was my life,
before I met you,
and where I was going,
I hadn't a clue.

You took away my fear,
and you made me complete.
Something I always thought,
an impossible feat.

This love that we share,
feels just like a dream,
and I feel like my heart,
may burst at the seams.

You are selfless and caring,
and you have always been there.
You look through my flaws,
cause you simply don't care.

You are perfect to me,
in every way.
In all that you do,
and all that you say.

You have taken my soul,
and filled in the crease.
Your my soulmate, my love,
you were my missing piece...
A poem I wrote to my ex-wife
376 · Jul 2019
Daydreams
Jack Torrance Jul 2019
Sometimes I create daydreams,
with nothing omitted,
and if others could see,
then I would be committed.

Daydreams of the pain,
that I’d make you endure,
till you begged me to stop,
as you writhe on the floor.

Dreams of carving “bad mommy”,
into your forehead,
so that your always reminded,
even if I’m dead.

Dreams of hurting him,
for what he’s done to our son,
you never lifting a finger to stop,
not ******* one.

Using me like you did,
like I wasn’t even real,
like I wasn’t a person,
or a human that could feel.

Seven years we’re together,
raising your daughter as mine.
You say you never loved me,
you faked it the whole time?

You only stayed,
because you were pregnant with bub?
In seven ******* years,
you couldn’t find something to love?!

You didn’t want to be,
a single mom of two?!
So you cheated with him?!
Well **** him, and *******!

Now I know the truth,
I know how you got that raise,
it wasn’t just him,
you ****** the entire place.

All of that I could forgive,
but he treats our son like ****,
and you just let it happen,
and I’ll never forget.

He knows that I’ll **** him,
if he ever lays a hand,
but it’s coming to a head,
and I’m about to ******* stand.

He’s all I got left,
you took all the rest,
and he’s the reason I’m here,
why my heart beats in my chest.

I wanted our son,
the moment I knew he was conceived,
and when he was born healthy,
I was so ******* relieved.

So you better pray,
that he doesn’t hurt bub,
because I’m one step from insanity,
all I need is a shove.

You ruined my life,
so you better take care of our sons’,
because my daydreams are vivid,
and I’m dying to try one.
373 · May 2018
Double Take
Jack Torrance May 2018
You came along,
and my heart did a double take.
I smile now,
and it doesn’t have to be fake.

Thank you.
371 · Sep 2020
The Ferryman
Jack Torrance Sep 2020
The weight of the world,
has settled at last.
The world shifted on,
as I fell to the past.

I open my eyes,
but they do not obey.
I taste copper in my throat,
and the sweet scent of decay.

I can hear splashing,
so faint it’s a dream.
I can also hear breathing,
and I just want to scream.

My arms will not listen,
when I tell them to lift,
and something is scraping,
with small groaning shifts.

The breathing is closer,
and the breath is so foul.
It’s trying to speak,
but its voice is a growl.

I’m trying to scream,
but my voice is a squeak.
Then my blood runs cold,
as it finally speaks.

“Payment”, it growls,
in a gravely tone.
And then I feel its touch,
and shiver to the bone.

The shape shifts away,
and the weight is now gone.
I open my eyes,
and am blinded by the dawn.

I blink at the figure,
hunched over the oars,
and stare out at the water,
looking for shore.

I want to ask the question,
but then I see his hands.
There’s no doubting the decay,
of the limbo ferryman.
366 · Apr 2018
Sweet Sleep
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
I wonder if you know,
that I used to watch you sleep.
Not in a weird way,
not being a creep.

Just watching,
your head on my chest.
Running my fingers through your hair,
and trying to match each breath.

Do you know that your lip,
does this cute, pouty thing?
Or that you’d sometimes giggle,
at what seemed like nothing.

It was always then,
that our future seemed clear.
No worries, or arguing,
simply no fear.

I think watching you sleep,
was when I loved you best.
Both of us smiling,
and two hearts at rest.

I’d give anything,
to hear that giggle again.
Or to feel your soft breath,
whisper on my skin.
361 · Sep 2018
I wonder
Jack Torrance Sep 2018
A wildfire of color races across the night sky, somehow managing to be bright and beautifully dull at the same instance.
The earth is tipping, tipping, tipping. Using this racing color show as it’s farewell for another day.
You always loved this moment.
You always loved the moment when the colors sharpened against that steadily increasing backdrop of black. Red, to orange, purple then pink. It was the time that God loved us the most you used to say, to give us such beauty and to learn to appreciate it because it is gone in such a brief moment.
Like you were.
You were my sunset, my beautiful moment that did not last long enough, and unlike you I didn’t appreciate that flash of brilliance.
I do now.
Unlike the sunset, the morphing of hues of colors that seem to blend endlessly into that final cresciendo, I let the black seep in until all the colors had faded away.
I wonder where you are now.
I wonder if you are watching this.
I wonder if you are thinking of me.
I wonder if you appreciated the wildfire, no matter how brief, that was Us.
I wonder....
353 · Oct 2019
Real or fake?
Jack Torrance Oct 2019
Is this real,
or is this fake?
Is this a dream,
where I cannot wake?

Am I doomed to eternity,
of repeating sin?
A purgatory of do-overs,
again and again.

Purge it once,
rinse and repeat.
Tie up the strings,
and make it neat.

Reality,
is not what it seems,
but which side’s the waking,
and which side’s the dream.

I guess it don’t matter,
if you can’t tell.
Cause neither side’s good,
they’re double sided hell.

I’ll keep moving,
and try not to see,
the fluctuations,
surrounding me.

So if this is real,
then I’m sorry Dear,
but I doubt it is,
cause nothing is clear.

Either way I’m doomed,
to an eternity,
of repeating days,
and insanity.
353 · Apr 2018
Social Skills
Jack Torrance Apr 2018
What has happened to me,
to my social skills?
Frantic, and panicked,
are not conditionally ideal.

I want you to like me,
I want you to see.
To see through my awkwardness,
and help set me free.

I do talk too much,
my mouth won’t shut up.
It’s like the relay in my brain,
is broken, or corrupt.

I’m not usually like this,
I hear my mouth say.
Constantly apologizing,
and then you’ve gone away.

I want to explain,
the jumbled mess of my head.
But I don’t know how to do it,
without making it worse instead.

No I’m not weird,
I’ve just been alone.
Social skills need exercise,
and mine are skin and bones.

When you walk away,
another part of me dies.
Part of me wants to explain,
and part of me wants to cry.

Im turning into two people,
the oddball and the norm.
When they try to coexist,
it creates the perfect storm.

So no, I don’t blame you,
for walking away.
Just know that I’m sorry,
for being this way.
347 · Sep 2019
Lost wanderer
Jack Torrance Sep 2019
Where are you going,
and where have you been?
How long have you traveled,
never finding the end?

How can you keep moving,
towards the nothing you see?
How’d you become a prisoner,
yearning to be free?

When did you realize,
nothing mattered anymore?
When did the clarity hit you,
that it didn’t matter before?

When did the hate,
take control of you?
Guiding your actions,
and all that you do.

When did the darkness,
begin to creep in?
Consuming the light,
that used to shine within.

When did you decide,
to stop living your life?
Each day as painful,
as a fresh cut from a knife.

There has to be more,
I’m just afraid that there’s not.
My hope has dried up,
and I’m scraping the ***.

So what do you do,
when your mind kills your heart?
When you’re so overwhelmed,
you don’t know where to start.

If you should find answers,
then please let me know.
Until then I’ll keep in the hurt,
and try to not let it show.
335 · Dec 2018
Text
Jack Torrance Dec 2018
“We are divorced!!!”,
you sent through a text.
I just sat there and stared,
wondering what happens next

Who knew three exclamations,
could make you so sad,
and bring a wave of pain,
and feelings so bad.

To say I wish you the best,
sounds so ******* sappy,
but at least I can say,
I finally made you feel happy.

Congrats.
Divorce finalized
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