You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you
But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn't too bad That loving you made loving myself worth it
When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface Things I couldn't change, or maybe I could I don't know
I couldn't stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn't stop my mom from hitting him for four hours
I couldn't stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her Everyone says it's not my fault But If I was the only thing she was living for Why is she dead?
These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you Here I am with the same thoughts once again But with no shotgun And no you
Because the thing I didn't want you to hear The thing I didn't want to face Was that I was dying loving you Because you didn't love some So I wasn't worth loving myself I was better off dead
So I write to the memory I have of you Again To tell you I'm so sorry I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair It was unfair to you Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me Changed my thoughts about you & I I still love you Even when you never loved me I pray you are free I hope you're in love And maybe you think of me Our memories Its all okay I'm okay
It's been a long journey from suicide attempt to peace. I had many friends once, and now I stand almost alone. Maybe that's what I needed. I shouldn't write at midnight...
I see all these blank pages of my future and I tear them to shreds// I only want to live in the pages of my past// I only wanted it to last// For her to last// I don't wish it was different just that I had done things differently// Maybe it'd end the same, but not knowing hurts// Not trying hurts// Somewhere I stopped trying to grow and only tried to control// I was just a boy in a man's frame// Yet I knew how to love her// I still love her// But she's gone like the ashes of a wildfire// Alone I still sing of her// Empty, echoing, loneliness// It is my new peace//
Hurt is a wonderful teacher in the school of hindsight. God I miss her.
Never let anyone tell you How ****** up a person is Pointing at Her or Him At them or here with Disdain dressed To look like despair God damns the Sanctimony of fools Black robes Far worse for the wear Let em point at me I have not a care Because just like them I am Jack the Ripper. I am St. Paul I sifted salt with Ghandi And I slit throats with King Saul I am the ****** Mary I hear the knocking on my door It may just be the neighbor A fiend looking to fix me Or to score. Either way We’ve all been here Countless times maybe more Its eternity that's calling Remember living forever? Before you were ever born? I've offered every solace I've mended every fall I’ve turned the other cheek And the pious broke my jaw My work here is near done And trust me I had a ball So shed not a tear Nor curse me to befall For soon you will be me And I will be you all.