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All of these raw words won't save me
These friends can't save me
I'm craving for help
Let me leave my past on a shelf
To gather dust and be forgotten
So I can allow my forgiveness
& be free at last
You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you

That's true

But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn't too bad
That loving you made loving myself worth it

When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface
Things I couldn't change, or maybe I could
I don't know

I couldn't stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn't stop my mom from hitting him for four hours

I couldn't stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her
Everyone says it's not my fault
But
If I was the only thing she was living for
Why is she dead?

These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you
Here I am with the same thoughts once again
But with no shotgun
And no you

Because the thing I didn't want you to hear
The thing I didn't want to face
Was that I was dying loving you
Because you didn't love some
So I wasn't worth loving myself
I was better off dead

So I write to the memory I have of you
Again
To tell you I'm so sorry
I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair
It was unfair to you
Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me
Changed my thoughts about you & I
I still love you
Even when you never loved me
I pray you are free
I hope you're in love
And maybe you think of me
Our memories
Its all okay
I'm okay
It's been a long journey from suicide attempt to peace. I had many friends once, and now I stand almost alone. Maybe that's what I needed. I shouldn't write at midnight...
Jason Lingaya Mar 11
Here there little fella

Here there

C– l – o – s – e – r

Down the aisle

Follow the sign

Tick-tock

Teases a clock

In the shadows

Be brave hither

Heroic never

Trust your host

To guide you

Through an abyss

Of unprecedented bliss

Jack was a wimp

The Ripper I am

At your service

Hesitating still ugh

Never mind fella

Pray hang on

One moment more

Jolly and bright

The darkest alleys

Are my quarters

The austere grounds

On which I Rip Rip Rip

Gluttony is the name

Of my game

Instead of teeth

Dear Lord

Mine are grim lethal

Razor sharp blades

And my throat

A gruesome One-Way ticket

No wonder my stomach

Knows no rest

At your service

The Ripper I am

The infamous

Snowflake Moray Eel.
Childhood fishing memories from Poste-Lafayette, Mauritius.
Jack Jenkins Mar 11
Rejection is a wound nobody is immune to
Its taste is sour and bitter
It makes your gums bleed

Rejection is always by your side
But never is a friend
But never is a lover

Rejection chases away sobriety
Looking to stop the pain
Looking to fill the void

Rejection pushes trust out of your life
Whispers that she's all you'll need
& makes you go deaf to the world
Jack Jenkins Feb 28
my heart is sunburnt on the outside
frostbitten on the inside
Title refers to a method of cooking steaks. Look it up if you'd like.
Jack Jenkins Feb 27
I see all these blank pages of my future and I tear them to shreds//
I only want to live in the pages of my past//
I only wanted it to last//
For her to last//
I don't wish it was different just that I had done things differently//
Maybe it'd end the same, but not knowing hurts//
Not trying hurts//
Somewhere I stopped trying to grow and only tried to control//
I was just a boy in a man's frame//
Yet I knew how to love her//
I still love her//
But she's gone like the ashes of a wildfire//
Alone I still sing of her//
Empty, echoing, loneliness//
It is my new peace//
Hurt is a wonderful teacher in the school of hindsight. God I miss her.
Broken to my heart,
All them feelings that I've lost,
I was frozen in the dark,
A cold sibling of Jack Frost.

Frozen up my thoughts,
Chucked the chills out my spine,
There's a reason I'm called fawtz,
There's a reason I don't cry.

Colder than a Eskimo,
Colder than the snow,
Colder than the freezer I store my skeletons in,
Colder than you'll ever know.

Blast me in a blizzard,
I'll stand up and I'll laugh..
But melt my heart with warmth and love,
And watch me run a mile.
Juan Bot Feb 23
Jack might.
Jack could.
Jack paid.
Jack lost.
Jack did.
To Jack, my friend who has helped me through the worst, and taught me to always try.
Jack and Carl
Sat on a Car

Went to city Kamptee
To meet their Auntie

She gave some Honey
With a bag of Money

They tasted the Honey
Wasted All Money

And Came back Home
Without a Penny
Nursery Rhyme for Tiny Tots
J Christmas Feb 22
Never let anyone tell you
How ****** up a person is
Pointing at Her or Him
At them or here with
Disdain dressed
To look like despair
God damns the
Sanctimony of fools
Black robes
Far worse for the wear
Let em point at me
I have not a care
Because just like them
I am Jack the Ripper.    I am St. Paul
I sifted salt with Ghandi
And I slit throats with King Saul
I am the ****** Mary
I hear the knocking
on my door  
It may just be the neighbor
A fiend looking to fix me
Or to score.   Either way
We’ve all been here
Countless times maybe more
Its eternity that's calling  
Remember living forever?
Before you were ever born?
I've offered every solace
I've mended every fall  
I’ve turned the other cheek
And the pious broke my jaw
My work here is near done
And trust me I had a ball    
So shed not a tear
Nor curse me to befall      
For soon you will be me
And I will be you all.
Copyright 2019 John D Christmas
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