This is it,
the end of things.
The end of hope,
and the end of dreams.

Nothing is worth it,
no need to hold on.
The message is simple,
I need to get gone.

This pen on the paper,
is meaningless now.
I wish i could explain,
but I do not know how.

Meaning is fleeting,
and doesn't matter at all.
Nothing is there,
just a very long fall.

I'm sorry for this,
for the confusion and pain.
I've got nothing left,
and that drives me insane.

So no long goodbyes,
this is selfish I know.
I love you all dearly,
but it's time I should go.

I close the door,
but it swings right back.
The latch has been broken,
and shot full of cracks.

I try to fix it,
try to take it all back,
but then it opens on darkness,
and I’m consumed by the black.

I want to step through,
to see if it’s still the same,
because it beckons to me,
softly calling my name.

That’s when I slam it,
and try to hold the **** still,
as something tries to turn it,
and break through my will.

That’s when my fingers,
grow sweaty and numb,
and I can feel the pressure increasing,
and I start to succumb.

The **** starts to turn,
and I start to lose my grip,
and then I stop fighting,
and my fingers slip.

I step away,
as the latch softly clicks,
and the dark whisps escape,
growing feelers to lick.

Then I am lost,
and stepping through the door,
hoping that it won’t shut,
but not caring anymore.

I’m bathing in nothing,
and I feel the memories cut,
as somewhere off in the distance,
I hear a door slam shut.

If I gave you a knife,
and asked you to cut,
would you do it I wonder,
and if so, how much?

slash

Would you hesitate?
Would your mind suddenly freeze?
Or would you take pleasure,
in bringing me to my knees?

slash

Would the sight of my blood,
shock you enough to quit?
Would the sight of the scars,
make you loosen your grip?

slash

Would the simple knowledge,
of those scars frighten you?
When you realized,
they were both old an new?

slash

Would the memories pour in,
of holding the same knife askew?
Memories of cutting,
when I didn’t ask you to.

slash

Would your anger, and hatred,
suddenly melt away?
When you realized I was ASKING,
for you to cut me this way.

slash

Would you finally break down,
when you could hear my words?
“I am sorry, I deserve this”,
over and over whispered.

slash

Would you take me in your arms,
and try to soothe me?
I’d like to believe you would,
if you could only see.

slash

I’ll allow you to cut me,
because it’s what I earned.
I just wish you would stop,
or at least show concern.

slash........
*thud

You’ve seen her every day,
and she’s quick with a smile.
Always laughing and happy,
and joyful all the while.

She fell in love young,
and married the perfect man.
She has two beautiful children,
and helps others when she can.

You’re envious and jealous,
of the perfect life she leads.
So beautiful and perfect,
and she always succeeds.

I bet you can’t imagine,
that she cries herself to sleep.
That sometimes she’s so unhappy,
that all she can do is weep.

I bet you wouldn’t guess,
that Mr. perfect likes to drink.
Or that he shoots up ******,
over the bathroom sink.

Would you be surprised,
if she lifted up her shirt,
and you could see the bruises,
and scars where he likes to hurt?

Would you be shocked,
if you knew those kids had seen,
the night he broke her nose,
and put a hole in the tv screen?

Would you be understanding,
if she came to you for help?
If she told you everything,
and you could see the welts.

Mr. and Mrs. perfect,
always happy as can be.
Next time take a closer look,
and I wonder what you’ll see.

My mind wanders back,
to one year ago,
to the night that we met,
and your radiant glow.

I told you I loved you,
that night as we kissed,
and we both saved each other,
from that dark, cold abyss.

Life was unfair,
to us it had seemed.
Forced to live lives,
that were terrible dreams.

A life without you,
for twenty three years,
making mistakes,
that now seem so clear.

Mistakes that taught me,
that love’s not enough.
Mistakes that taught me,
that even “perfect” is rough.

Our love became rocky,
as you became scared,
and at times I lost faith,
wondering if you cared.

But that promise I made,
to myself that first night,
to never let you go,
without a fight.

I promised I’d save you,
and show you how love could be.
How it felt to be loved,
unconditionally.

You have hurt me, it’s true,
and made me question the truth,
but I never, not once,
lost my faith in you.

Because no matter the fight,
and no matter the lie,
I still see my angel,
that’s buried inside.

The angel you show,
when you think I can’t see.
When you’re giggling and smiling,
and simply care-free.

That’s the woman I’ve loved,
since the day we first met.
A woman with strength,
that she hadn’t found yet.

So remember sweetheart,
that perfect is flawed.
We’ve made it this far,
and we’re still standing tall.

Love’s just a word,
that could never describe,
the way you make me feel,
when I look in your eyes.

The feelings you give me,
and the warmth in my heart,
and the sadness and pain,
when we are apart.

So now as I’m thinking back,
I can’t help but grin,
because there’s not one thing I’d change,
if I could do it again.

I found a dancing spider,
so majestic on his feet.
I decided to adopt him,
and named the fella Pete.

Pete was quite amazing,
and he became my friend,
he’d dance for me, so gleefully,
until his tragic end.

He knew when I was worried,
or when I was feeling blue.
With a tip, and a tap, a shimmy and a rap,
he could always bring me through.

My dancing friend, met his end,
by pure accident you see.
I didn’t see him on the ground,
and perhaps he tried to flee.

Now my dancing spider,
is buried in the ground.
I feel so bad, and get so sad,
that Pete is not around.

No more dances, no more twirls,
to brighten up my day.
I hope he knows I’m sorry,
that things ended up this way.

But, although the story is sad,
and I promise that it’s true.
It has a happy ending,
and now I’ll tell it to you.

The other day, when I came home,
I was missing Pete so bad.
When I closed the door, and looked at the floor,
I saw something that made me glad.

A tiny dancing spider,
was twirling on the spot.
It would seem, Pete was a she,
I think I’ll name her Dot.

There used to be a fire,
that burned inside of me.
I never had to tend it,
it had always just burned free.

It roared so fiercely,
and burned so ******* bright.
It kept me moving forward,
and broke the darkness with its light.

Then something started changing,
and the light began to dim.
The flames began to lessen,
and they never grew again.

Every day that passed,
the fire was less and less.
And the darkness creeped in,
making my direction a guess.

Then one day it flickered,
guttered, and died.
The darkness consumed me,
and I grew cold inside.

Now I just stumble,
trying to relight my flame.
But I can’t see where I’m going,
all this black looks the same.

I just need a spark,
to rekindle my soul.
And if I can’t find it,
then I’ll never be whole.

Wish I could get a little undrunk
So I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you

Honestly, this party's over
Everyone here should've gone home
But I'm afraid of being sober
'Cause the first thing I do when I'm alone
I start touching myself to the photos
That you used to send me
I should've deleted, but kept it a secret
Is that crazy to do?

So I squeeze out the lime on the ice of My drink
And the juice hits the cuts on my fingers
It still doesn't burn as much as the thought of you

Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you
But some things you can't undo
I wish I could unkiss the room full of strangers
So I could unspite you, unlose my temper
But somethings you can't undo
And one of them's you

I'm afraid to turn the lights on
I don't want to face this rebound
Is it weird if I come over?
I want to, but I know that she's around

So I'm touching myself to the photos
That you used to send me
I should have deleted, but kept it a secret
Is that crazy to do?

Oh, I'm hungry and wasted and my hands are shaking
I shouldn't be cooking but spilling hot water
It still doesn't burn as much as the thought of you

Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you
But some things you can't undo
I wish I could unkiss the room full of strangers
So I could unspite you, unlose my temper
But somethings you can't undo
And one of them's you

Got through every emotion
Right now I'm sad, I'm broken
But the bottles in the floor
I'm to buzzed to clean them up
Wish I could get a little undrunk
So I could, I could unlove you

Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you
At 5 in the morning, I would unfuck you
But some things you can't undo
I wish I could unkiss the room full of strangers
So I could unspite you, unlose my temper
But somethings you can't undo
And one of them's

You
You, you
Wish I could unlove you
You, you, you
Wish I could uncall you
You, you, you
Wish I could unfuck you
You
Wish I could unlove you

Whispering sadness,
is calling to me.
Dreams become nightmares,
and won’t cease to be.

It’s like I’m running dead out,
and then it’s a forty five degree wall.
Then no matter how fast I run,
I’m destined to fall.

I’m fleeing from something,
but I can’t get away.
It only keeps gaining,
with each passing day.

I know if I was to stop,
to simply catch my breath,
then it will be upon me,
and that would mean my death.

The weapons I had,
to keep this beast at bay,
have slowly been lost,
or have been stripped away.

That’s an apt description,
of depression I think.
Eventually the ground will turn soft,
and I’ll start to sink.

It’s just overwhelming,
this sadness i feel.
I try so hard to fight it,
but I don’t want a pill.

I guess the terror of death,
is nothing compared,
to losing who I am,
so that I won’t be scared.

So I apologize,
for not being alright.
Just remember I’m struggling,
with things I can’t fight.

The colors are back,
so crisp and clear.
The loneliness is better,
as well as the fear.

I was wandering,
just floating along.
I was going through the motions,
acting like nothing was wrong.

I had given up,
and I can see that now.
I knew I could get better,
I just didn’t know how.

So I wandered, and I walked,
down paths to nowhere,
looking for something,
that wasn’t quite clear.

You were the light,
when the world became dark,
when I wanted to give up,
I would see your spark.

So I kept on going,
searching for you,
wondering if you were real,
but I hadn’t a clue.

Your light became brighter,
the closer I got,
and soon I was running,
towards that tiny dot.

The colors came back,
so crisp and clear.
The loneliness got better,
as well as the fear.

Suddenly you were there,
and that’s when I knew.
You were my beacon,
but I was yours too.

We were wandering lost,
trying to find some hope,
seeing each other,
at the ends of our ropes.

So let’s light up the world,
that we create.
We can do it together,
before it’s too late.

“You can do this”,
I whisper to myself.
“The past is done,
so put it on the shelf”.

I’ve told myself this,
so many times.
I’ve wrote reams of content,
full of self hate in rhymes.

I would go along,
slowly gaining confidence,
then came the back slide,
and the heartfelt recompense.

Over and over,
never ending it seemed.
Until I thought of an end,
where I could be redeemed.

I wanted to end it,
the pain and the sorrow.
I really didn’t care,
if there was no more tomorrow.

Thinking back now,
I’ve finally realized.
That the hope of an end,
was a bag full of lies.

My pain would end,
by ending my life,
but others pain would grow,
so I had a double edged knife.

That’s when I realized,
I was holding the blade.
No matter how I moved it,
new cuts would be made.

I have to carry this knife,
until the end of all things,
but I can carry it by the hilt,
and end this suffering.

It’s there,
and still sharp,
but it’s at arms length,
away from my heart.

I can keep control,
I know I have to,
and at this moment,
it’s all I can do.

I was arrogant and stupid,
while he put on the moves,
saying you deserved better,
now I know that was the truth.

I can see it now,
all the faults inside me.
It took me losing you,
for me to finally see.

I keep all your things,
tucked back in my closet,
hoping that you’ll come back,
but you won’t, and I caused it.

I took you for granted,
my hostage to fortune,
thinking you’d never leave,
you wouldn’t do that to our son.

Also, our daughter,
I helped raise since three.
It shames me to admit it,
but I thought you couldn’t do better than me.

Now it’s too late,
and you have moved on,
no matter what I say,
you will always be gone.

I’m sorry sweetheart,
for not being what you deserved.
I will love you forever,
even if you think that’s absurd.

This isn’t how,
I thought my life would be,
I thought we’d have our forever,
but that’s not reality.

I wanna write something,
so ****** it’s bad.
Something when you read,
you get so ******* mad.

I wanna touch on those insecurities,
that only I knew about.
I wanna push all those buttons,
till your crying out loud.

I wanna curse you,
tell you that I hope you’re miserable.
I wanna break you down,
till your a pile of dribble.

I want to rage at you,
and put a hole through the wall.
I want to scream at you till,
you feel ******* small.

sigh

I want to tell you I love you,
even through it all.
I want to do all these things,
cause I feel two inches tall.

I want to tell you I’m sorry,
and that it’s ok,
and that I still think about you,
and wonder if you’re happy today.

I wanna look in your eyes,
to see if the grass was greener after all.
And if it turns out it wasn’t,
I’d tell you not to feel small.

I want to give you advice,
and to re-know your heart.
I want all the things,
that we had from the start.

I’m a walking contradiction,
with that I’m on terms,
but I guess I never stopped loving you,
through the crashes and burns.

*sigh

“Try to be happy,
You shouldn’t be sad.”
Don’t you think I know that?
It’s what drives me mad.

“Just stop thinking about it,
and let go of the past.”
It all seems so simple,
but I can’t make it last.

“It’s mind over matter,
just think positive.”
Like I’m in control,
of my thought narrative.

“I used to be depressed,
so trust me you’re fine.”
Suicidal thoughts,
and remorse intertwine.

“Just call me up,
I’m here whenever you need.”
I called three times today,
and sent texts you didn’t read.

“Don’t do something stupid,
because it would crush everyone.”
Thing is I don’t want to,
but this weight feels like a ton.

I’ve said all these things,
to people before.
I didn’t understand depression,
or drowning on the shore.

It’s losing the light,
that others can see,
and drowning in darkness,
and you cannot get free.

It’s anxiety and shame,
of being a burden.
It’s struggling to breathe,
but that next breath’s not certain.

You cry out for help,
for what you don’t understand,
and you sink ever deeper,
in depressions quicksand.

I’m sorry for everything,
for becoming this way.
just know you’ll never fix me,
with words that you say.

I’ll stick around,
for as long as I can.
Know I’m trying my best,
to find the light again.

Is today the day,
the day that this all ends?
Is this the day of reckoning,
where I atone for all these sins?

Was that last drink the one,
the one that tipped the scale?
Finally killing my heart,
and turning my skin pale.

Was yesterday the last day,
that I will see my son?
The last day that I’ll hold him,
our final day of fun.

Has circumstance defined me,
or has this been all free will?
Slowly killing myself,
whiskey breath finally still.

So many things I want to know,
that I was to afraid to ask.
Crying crimson tears,
behind a happy ******* mask.

Today I think I’ve done it.
I think I finally went too far.
I finally reached my limit,
thrown out of sorrows bar.

Maybe if there is tomorrow,
I can try to stand again,
or maybe I’ll go further,
and just try to reach the end.

This insanity has cleansed me,
and washed away my skin.
Fear has drove me forward,
running backwards towards begin.

When will this stop?
That’s a question I control.
I can finally end the pain,
and all it cost’s my soul.

So I’ll blow away the fear,
with my final breath,
and try to live with that decision,
of this simple selfish death.

These emotional pills,
are too hard to swallow.
I keep forcing them down,
against all my will.
Now I’m choking to death,
and you want to know how I feel?!

Damage upon damage,
that’s covered up with fresh paint.
But the layers are peeling,
showing fresh wounds of feelings,
you may think you’re in love,
but I know that you ain’t.

So don’t get to know me,
because there’s no way you will see,
the person under the mask,
with the hollow, bloodshot eyes.
You may think you can reach me,
but you’ll just set me free,
because it’s just empty air,
where I used to be.

So just do us both a favor,
and keep, your who's, when’s, and why’s.
And I’ll let you imagine,
you didn’t see a disguise.

This lack of emotion,
is what has shaped me.
It’s made me seem cold,
but I’m not what you see.

First funeral at thirteen,
one of my dads good friends.
Stabbed by his stepson,
such a horrible end.

Next year it got worse,
that’s when grandma died.
I remember the funeral,
and forcing myself not to cry.

Then two weeks later,
my dads best friends heart quit.
I held back the tears,
trying hard to control it.

Then six months later,
they found my grandpa.
Loaded gun in his hand,
his memories on the wall.

I started to crack,
but didn’t let it show.
I had to be strong,
so that no one would know.

Then three months later,
my uncle died.
I tried to control it,
but finally broke down and cried.

Running away,
till my dad caught me by the hand.
Then saying I was sorry,
when I could barely stand.

I didn’t want them to worry,
when they were hurting so much.
But it finally broke me,
my fathers touch.

I wept in his arms,
and could feel his tears on my cheek.
He was trying to comfort,
and I was ashamed to be weak.

The moment I saw,
my sweet uncles face,
something broke inside me,
that I had kept at bay.

I still cannot think,
about that without tears.
It breaks me every time,
even after all of these years.

So if I seem distant,
then I apologize.
Just know that I’m weeping,
it’s just on the inside.

I’m tired of the *******,
of the same ****** up routine.
I’m tired of saying this times different,
when it’s so obviously obscene.

I’m tired of the poison,
that I pour into myself.
I’m tired of the fear,
and becoming someone else.

I’m tired of the monotony,
of same **** different day.
I’m tired of not being truthful,
with every word I say.

I’m tired of not remembering,
what I did the night before.
I’m tired of acting like it’s ok,
that I should wake up on the floor.

I’m tired of the pain,
and the stress of it all.
I’m just so ******* tired,
of the black outs most of all.

How many years,
have I shaved away?
How many tears,
have I cried through the days?

This **** has to stop,
because it’s truly killing me.
I tried not to see that,
but now it’s plain for me to see.

I’m living to escape,
but the escape never comes.
It just gets ever shameful,
when I realize what I’ve done.

So today I’ll make the choice,
that I dreaded all these years.
I’ve broken something inside,
and lost myself among the fear.

I’ve finally realized,
so I’ll finally put it aside,
because what I have been doing,
is committing slow suicide.

So if you are reading this,
and you can somehow relate.
Turn away from Hells entrance,
before it becomes too late.

Unmasque! Unmasque!
I think Poe said it best.
The masks are hiding us,
only showing our best.

What if, let’s say,
I was to take this mask off?
Would you scream, I wonder,
or would you simply scoff?

Underneath this mask,
is another you see.
So how many layers until,
you get down to me?

I think at the base,
that person’s ceased to be.
I’ve suffocated him slowly,
masking insanity.

I’ve welded the doors shut,
and hid away inside.
Praying that the Red Death,
would simply let me abide.

But now the party’s over,
Unmasque! Unmasque!
The insanity has grown feelers,
through these layers of mask.

One by one they’ve fallen,
and been swept aside.
Revealing the damage,
I tried so hard to hide.

Now the air has grown thin,
through this last mask I wear.
I can feel it pulling away,
and starting to tear.

Forgive me please,
I knew not what I done.
At least I’ll be at peace,
with my true face in the sun.

We shall speak of many things,
of life and love between.
We shall find the tiny spaces,
and explore each other's dreams.

You can lose yourself inside my mind,
growing lost among the sweet.
But do not fear, for you my dear,
need only follow your feet.

Take the path that I have made,
and meet me at the end.
For I'll be there, and there I'll share,
my hopes upon the wind.

There is no need for breadcrumbs,
just follow right along.
For at the end, is where we begin,
and it's right where you belong.

Validation.
The name of the game.
If you know what I mean,
then you feel the same.

If not, I’ll explain,
so pull up a chair.
Allow me to enlighten,
listen if you dare.

I wake up in the morning,
first thing, check my phone.
Next it’s the apps, and the emails,
constantly refreshing them alone.

Validate me,
show me I exist.
Not a word, or a quip,
or a single call missed.

Validate me,
show me my worth.
Show me I’m a human,
on this isolated earth.

Please validate me,
or am I even here?
****, chase away those thoughts,
and scare off those fears.

Validate me. Please.
Perhaps I’m a ghost.
Or maybe I’m invisible,
or maybe, I’m dead.

Help me.

I reach for your hand,
and I give a soft squeeze.
I lean my head back,
and enjoy the warm breeze.

I take in the sight,
of the snow covered peaks,
as the tears stream my face,
and I wipe off my cheeks.

The top of the world,
is a beautiful place,
but it still doesn't match,
the smile on your face.

You have given me hope,
when all hope was lost,
and you've shown me that love,
can come at no cost.

You believed in me,
when no one else would,
and you stand by my side,
where no one has stood.

You have taken my heart,
and pieced it back whole.
You’ve  helped me to stand,
and gave me back my soul.

I don't know what to say,
for all that you do,
and for the love that you give me,
and your selflessness to.

But I can promise you love,
until the end of all time,
and I'll stand by you forever,
with your hand safe in mine.

My sweet, beautiful angel,
the love of my life.
My reason for living,
and my soon to be wife...

Hi, it’s me,
I’m just checking in.
I know you don’t want to talk,
or see me again.

I just miss you, ya know?
This is so **** hard.
I was doing ok,
until I got your card.

I broke down then,
and realized what I’d done.
I could tell you I’m sorry,
no excuses, not one.

I was more broken,
than even I knew.
I guess I wasn’t ready,
cause the glue was still new.

If we’d only met,
when I was still whole.
I think it might of been different,
or maybe I’d still be an *******.

I just wanted to say,
that I’m sorry is all.
You deserved better,
and I let you fall.

I’ll let you go,
you’re busy I bet.
Just know that I loved you,
and please don’t forget.

Do you remember,
that day in September,
when we stood together,
in the pouring rain?

You told me you loved me,
but I could just not see,
how painful it could be,
three little words drove me insane.

I know better now,
and now I know how,
that sucker punch pow,
and unbearable strain.

I built “US” on those words,
and now that seems absurd,
because you left with no word,
no explanation, you abstained.

You opened my eyes,
to all of your lies,
you never said goodbye,
and that caused the most pain.

I wake up every morning,
and I just ignore the sounds,
of the absent ******* echos,
of a mind that’s gone to ground.
The motions are insanity,
that repeat and verberate,
beating voices through my head,
like ragged nails across a slate.
It used to drive me crazy,
now it’s simply just routine,
watching ghosts around me,
as they move through my daily scene.
There you’re making coffee,
and a laugh just filled the hall,
there you’re singing softly,
hanging pictures on the wall.
Then my mind shifts left,
into what I think is true,
but maybe I should lose myself,
and try to interact with you.
I know that’d make me crazy,
but let’s face it I am there.
I’m ignoring what I see,
but perhaps that isn’t fair.
Reality’s a concept,
and I don’t care if it’s not real.
I’d rather love the ghost of you,
than live a life that I can’t feel.
So tomorrow when I see you,
maybe you’ll smile for me,
and we can finally be happy,
at the cost of my sanity.

I stood in the rubble,
and felt the heat from the flames.
Searching for taillights,
but the glow never came.

Our life slowly burned,
that we built as a team,
and a nightmare slowly grew,
where there’d once been a dream.

I didn’t know what to do,
once I knew you were through.
So I just watched the carnage,
and lost my mind too.

I didn’t understand,
but I think now I do.
You was the broken vase,
and I was only the glue.

I thought without me,
you would just fall apart.
I never considered,
you lied from the start.

I never fixed you,
like I thought all along.
Your sheer will held the pieces,
and that illusion was strong.

You went through the motions,
but not out of hate.
I know that came later,
but maybe it was fate.

Now that my heads clear,
I can finally see.
I can see the spiral,
that was once you and me.

I believed we were fine,
because I simply had to.
I think deep down inside,
I always knew.

Now that I’m clean,
I can’t lie to myself.
I can put aside pride,
and look up at that shelf.

The shelf built of lies,
that kept me alive,
as I slowly killed myself,
and drowned on the inside.

I can see now,
that it’s flimsy and frail.
The joints are all rotten,
and the paint has grown pale.

All that’s left to do,
is to tear it all down.
I think one hit will do it,
and crash it to the ground.

I’ll do it tomorrow,
if tomorrow should come.
At least I know the truth,
and you know what you’ve done.

Your heart is racing,
about to derail.
Your conciousness fading,
about to set sail.

Your eyes start to water,
as tears prepare to fall.
But you cannot allow it,
show no weakness at all.

Concentrate on your hands,
open the paper again.
Look through the words,
without taking them in.

Try not to break,
they're counting on you.
Shut out the pain,
it's all you can do.

The tears can come,
when your finally alone.
But not a second before,
now steady your tone.

Keep your voice natural,
so they know your ok.
The last thing they need,
is to worry bout you today.

Your knees may be weak,
and your stomach's in knots.
But give them a smile,
to steady their thoughts.

So think about anything,
other than what's tearing you apart.
They're counting on you,
so don't let the tears start.

You are their rock,
so never show them your sorrow.
Because they need your strength now,
and they'll need it tomorrow.

In the darkest time,
when I was at my worst.
I woke up on the floor,
with a black-out thirst.

I drank to forget,
to sleep without dreams.
It worked while I held it,
then it started holding me.

This poem’s not about drinking,
or making an excuse.
It’s about what I forgot,
while forgetting you.

No, I take that back,
It’s not what I forgot.
This is about what I remember,
and now I remember a lot.

I met you on Facebook,
through the Stephen King group.
Then, I was happily married,
and then so were you.

We became quick friends,
both sarcastic and rude.
It was innocent friendship,
just friendship, it’s true.

Then we became closer,
as my problems grew,
and your baby was born too early,
but we helped each other through.

We became best friends,
discussing everything.
I watched your kids grow,
and laughed when you’d sing.

It was innocent,
but didn’t stay that way.
Because I realized you loved me,
and that I felt the same way.

We said it to each other,
as casual friends,
but we both knew the meaning,
of each syllable sent.

Then we planned to meet,
me divorced, but you not.
We were both so excited,
the tickets already bought.

I felt so guilty,
because I was at my worst.
I knew I wasn’t coming,
but I think you knew first.

We fought then,
and I ran away.
Deleted everything,
and grew worse every day.

Your trip came and passed,
and I wanted to call.
I was so ******* ashamed,
I let you down after all.

Six months went by,
and I wrote an email each day.
My mouse would waver on send,
but never send it away.

I did finally send it,
and we’re talking again.
But it’s different now,
and I want it to mend.

Now you’re divorced,
and unhappy I know.
You dealt with that **** alone,
because I was a no show.

I can never express,
how sorry I am.
I can never take it back,
and for that I am ******.

You deserved more,
than the sole of my shoe.
You deserved so much more,
than my stupid “I love you”.



I’m sorry....

I wanted to write this,
as a final farewell.
I had dreams of the impact,
as I walked into hell.

I had visions of you,
falling to your knees,
as you heard the news,
and I ceased to be.

I thought of all of the hurt,
and how unbearable it felt,
and how it just kept coming,
and feeling my sanity melt.

Sometimes I wake up,
from nightmares in tears,
and I know that they’re memories,
that I don’t allow to come clear.

Taking the gun,
off the shelf by my bed.
The weight of eternity,
filled with dead lead.

At the table with a knife,
tracing veins on my wrist,
fighting back the voice,
through a drunk ******* mist.

The countless bottles,
I poured into the pain,
Trying to find some relief,
and only finding more shame.

I wanted to hate you,
I wanted to make you pay.
So that maybe you’d know,
what it was like every day.

But now even that’s gone,
and I’m so tired now.
Now I just want to rest,
and cover my brow.

Now I don’t care if it hurts you,
or if you’d weep openly.
You’ve taken that too,
along with the rest of me.

Just please stop the hurt,
I can’t take it no more.
Erase what you can,
and please shut that door.

I just wanted to love you,
and make you my world.
Now my world is burning,
and my vision’s left swirled.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, and my thoughts drift towards you.
Our first kiss, in what became “our” booth at “our” restaurant.
I was shy, scared to make the first move, scared of being rejected so my mouth ran away with itself, all the while my mind screaming at me to shut up.
I was looking into your eyes, thinking how beautiful they were, and rambling. Then, it happened. That click, that unmistakable sensation of tumblers falling into place somewhere inside of me as I watched you.
You kissed me.
It was electric, like a charge running through bare wire, and the world simply fell away. Nothing mattered except for your lips, and my hands in your hair, and the sweet sensation of those tumblers clicking into place.
I knew I loved you then.
I think about that, and then I wonder how it could have went so wrong. How could a moment, a feeling, as strong as that lead to this?
Love turning to bitterness, and hatred, and regret.
Then the dust settles, and it all boils away and the bad memories are the first to go. The memories of the fights, and the suspicions, and the stupid choices that were made.
Then you are left with the good memories, the memories that seem to cut you harder than anything else could because of the simplicity of them.
They are memories of the love, the looks, the trust, and they make you want to pick up your phone and send that simple “I’m sorry”....but you are too afraid.
That first kiss though, that was real. Those feelings were real, and that memory is worth the pain.
Our booth. Our restaurant.
Our love.

Internal scars,
infected with guilt.
A world on it's side,
a forty-five degree tilt.

One day I am fine,
and the next not so much.
It's a bipolar horror,
of memories and such.

I swear I just saw you,
but my mind's playing tricks.
It's like burning a candle,
to the end, with no wick.

I could swear I was crazy,
but my mind tells me no.
So we argue out loud,
a new ultimate low.

Please fix me i'm broken,
wait, stop. I'm ok.
It's the **** that I deal with,
on a regular day.

Now this purple gorilla,
is making me mad.
Did I say that out loud?
Ignore that, my bad.

Oh well, just forget it,
let's try to move on.
Oh yeah your not here,
I forgot you were gone.

Snap back to reality,
who's this guy I don't know?
He says he's my therapist,
times up I should go.

Listening to the rain,
patter on the windshield.
So soothing, and sad,
my heart becomes chilled.

Memories of rain,
bring back memories of you.
Things I never forgot,
but it brings regret too.

Tip tip, tip tap,
remember that storm?
Tip tip, tip tap,
you were blessedly warm.

The windows open,
the rain pouring outside
You on top of me,
the lightning in your eyes.

That was our first time together,
hell, your first time at all.
Slowly grinding in time,
to each raindrops fall.

It was electric, and exciting,
and I knew I loved you then.
Your hand on my chest,
and that beautiful grin.

It’s no surprise really,
why I love the rain.
Because it holds that memory,
and absolutely no pain.

It was beautiful, and romantic,
and perfect in every way.
Almost thirteen years ago,
and the memory never fades.

So thank you, my dear,
for that gift that you gave.
Not just the gift of you,
but the memory of rain.

It makes me feel nervous
You have that look in your eye
Oh what takes over
What is it that holds you tight

And you could tear it up
Ooh no one tears it up like you
Ooh you can rip it up
Ooh no one rips it up like you

When you're in a half light
It is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

Ooooh, ooooh

Sometimes I join you
Let you wash over me
When we're in the darkness
Only the blind can see

And you could tear it up
Ooh no one tears it up like you
Ooh you can rip it up
Ooh I can rip it up like you

When you're in a half light
It is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

And can you shake it off
Ooh can you shake it off for me
When you're in a half light
I don't like the half I see

What possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?
Oooh what possesses you?

When you're in a half light
Oh it is not you I see
And you'll live a half life
You only show half to me

Can you shake it off?
Ooh can you shake it off for me?
When you're in a half light
I don't like the half I see

Nooo, oooh

I remember the way you looked,
the night we first met.
It seems like ages ago,
when your last name was Arivett.

Blonde hair and that sweater,
the one I loved so much.
It was light grey,
and so soft to the touch.

I brought you carnations,
that were white as pearl,
but I saved back three,
for your little girl.

You both met me at the door,
and she was super shy.
She giggled an squealed,
holding her flowers tight.

I was never dating you,
it was all of us.
Three against the world,
that’s how it always was.

Then we moved away,
and you got pregnant.
I was so **** thrilled,
but you didn’t want to keep it.

I was hurt and confused,
but I blamed the hormones.
I guess I should have seen,
when I saw that message on your phone.

I didn’t even know the dude,
because you never told me,
but the pic that he sent you,
should have made me see.

But I forgave that,
and I moved on,
till I found out you ****** him,
and then the trust was gone.

Still I forgave you,
and put it out my head.
I ignored all the warnings,
because of things you said.

Now you are gone,
and took our little girl.
And Bub is a hostage,
and ****’s starting to swirl.

Everything that I have,
is a memory of you.
Memories that grow darker,
cause they’re only half truths.

The cards and the notes,
that I store away.
I want them to be real,
but if they were you’d have stayed.

Your love was a lie,
that you built so well,
that you couldn’t imagine the damage,
when it finally fell.

Now I’m the one that’s digging through,
trying to make the pieces fit.
I can’t move on until it’s done,
but you simply don’t give a ****.

I just wish you’d tell me,
if it was real or if it was fake.
Tell me it was just a nightmare,
for my sanity’s sake.

I’m not gonna lie
and tell you I’m ok.
Just please tell me,
how much longer do I have to pay?

I know the pain will never end,
I just want some ******* relief.
Cause I cannot keep doing this,
and the memories are growing teeth.

The best parts of you,
are what make me, me.
My smile, my hair,
my personality.

You grew me inside you,
and nurtured me slow,
smiling when I kicked,
and helping me grow.

How could I not love you?
Without you, there’s no me.
I could never imagine,
life without you, you see?

Every fall, every scrape,
every skinned knee.
You made such a big deal,
at every injury.

I know it’s not easy,
and I can be a brat,
but when I really need you,
you’re there to hold me so fast.

You’re the diplomat, the cook,
you’re the washer and nurse.
You can be a bit crazy,
but you held me first.

Now I am older,
and understand the truth.
There is no handbook,
that shows you what to do.

You winged it mom,
always questioning things,
but you never stopped trying,
and never stopped giving.

I love you for that,
for the unhindered love.
For the meals, and the talks,
and for the endless hugs.

I will always love you,
because you’re the best parts of me.
You’re a fighter, a wonder,
you’re what I wish to be.


Happy Mother’s Day

How do you transform,
emotions into words?
How do you describe despair,
without sounding absurd?

How can you paint,
using just text?
Trying your best to show hell,
through memories so convex.

It’s distorted, and ******,
and makes no ******* sense.
So you simply stop trying,
and let the pen run hence.

It’s like a highway,
from your head to your hand,
and the words simply flow,
into pictures you understand.

Vivid details,
melted to the core.
Simplistic observations,
into complicated lore.

It’s a rush, and insane,
like a dictated fever.
Like Frankenstein’s monster,
after pulling the lever.

When it’s done, and you’re empty,
re-reading your prose,
you can feel that channel,
starting to close.

Those are the times,
when I’m most at peace.
When the poison is gone,
and I’ve fed the beast.

I’ll never know how,
I get rid of the pain,
but thank God I can,
or I’d go insane.

The damage is done,
I’ve accepted that.
I want to retrace,
but there’s no going back.

Can you be so damaged,
that there’s no going back?
I wonder that point,
till my brain starts to slack.

I try to be normal,
to socialize and such.
I don’t remember how,
this is all just too much.

I’ll crawl back in my cave,
and settle down deep.
Yes I do hear you,
but my attention don’t seep.

I am lost,
now forget me.
Your trials are done.
Forget my struggle,
I am fine just as one.

I’m better off,
this way you know.
Move on and forget me,
you’re welcome for the show.

Where the **** are we going?
Take off the blindfold so that I can see,
ya I know that you said that already,
but we got places to be.

Finally, Jesus now tell me,
what the **** are we doing out here?
And why the hell are you smiling?
The ******* mean that should be clear?

Oh I see, another scare tactic,
let me guess you’re taking control?
You know that this never works,
wait, why the **** did you dig a hole?

What do you mean you’re scared of me?
I’ve always just been here to help.
Oh here we go again about therapy.
******* mean it’s about mental health?

I’m only what you made me, but I like it here,
so I think that I’ll ******* stay.
We both know you don’t have what it takes,
so put the gun down and just walk away.

You keep acting like you don’t know me,
like I’m just a part of the id.
That’s laughable, Brad, you’re an idiot,
I’ve known you since you were a kid.

You act like the drinking was my fault,
but who the **** pulled you out of the gloom?
And what about all those nights you cried,
after grandma died, all alone in your room?

Look, just put the gun down,
and let’s go have a drink.
Nah, you’ll never be done,
thats just what you think.

Fine, go ahead, pull the trigger,
you know I’ll be back in a week.
Bury your issues like always,
but you better bary me ******* deep.

Getting rid of me will solve nothing,
I’ll be with you until you die,
so no goodbyes, I’ll see you later,
but go ahead, give it a try.

*boom

As I sit here by myself,
I try to write these words.
I try to force them into sense,
and make them not sound absurd.

I used to transfer pain,
through the tip of this pen.
Pouring out the poison,
so that I could think again.

I used to bask in the hollow,
that the transfer left behind.
Breathing in the silence,
of a defragmented mind.

Then one day I wrote something,
and set back to enjoy the peace,
but the transfer didn’t happen,
and the noise seemed to increase.

It was like instead of hitting transfer,
my mind hit copy instead.
It was there on the page,
but it was still in my head.

I began to panic,
with every poem I wrote.
The poison wouldn’t leave,
and it was coating my throat.

I began to notice teardrops,
and that my words were blurred.
I never even knew I was crying,
but my brain was slurred.

Whatever this is,
it’s taken hold of me.
It won’t allow me the pleasure,
of setting my thoughts free.

So I’m slowly filling up,
and tipping more each day.
One day I’ll crash over,
and this debt will be paid.

I think that’s the reason,
that I can’t force it out.
I have sins to atone for,
ones I can’t forget about.

I’m aware that I’m unstable,
In every sense and way,
that I bring nothing to the table,
so it’s not something you have to say.

Cause I wake up every morning,
in a paralytic state,
with cautionary warnings,
willing my emotions wait.

My therapist says things,
like “post traumatic stress”,
trying to unwind the strings,
that’s a tangled ******* mess.

Stop giving me labels,
while I’m paying out your dimes,
if you can’t fix what’s broken,
then don’t waste my ******* time.

So let’s say I’m dishonest,
and I haven’t told the truth.
Let’s say I’m being modest,
about all my self abuse.

I’m a ******* contradiction,
and I’m lying to myself.
Wishing for a benediction,
while I pull whiskey off the shelf.

I battle with depression,
but that doesn’t mean a thing,
and answering your questions,
doesn’t suddenly give it wings.

You need to let me be,
and let me tell you why,
because there’s someone else inside me,
and he wants to watch me die.

He’s the one that breaks,
everything you fix,
and he’s the one that takes,
and gives those strings a mix.

The devil lives inside me,
and he likes what he found,
and he’ll scream like a banshee,
till I’m six feet under ground.

Such a delicate matter,
“we don’t talk about that”.
So unwilling, a feeling,
let’s ignore all the facts.

Let’s ignore the signs,
because to speak would bring truth.
It’s an out of bounds subject,
that’s strictly uncouth.

A therapist, what for?
You’re gonna be fine.
What do you mean you’re depressed?
Just have a glass of wine.

What do you mean you texted?
Of course I didn’t leave you on read.
You’re being over dramatic,
of course you’re not better off dead.

Sorry, I’ve been busy,
ya I know you wanted to talk.
Is it important?
Cause I’m going for a walk.

Haven’t heard from you in awhile,
are you doing ok?
Hello?! Are you there?!
It’s been like three days!

Ok, you’re starting to scare me,
please answer your phone.
No one can get ahold of you,
Hello? Hello?!

Once upon a time,
is how fairytales begin,
but Happily Ever After,
is not reality before The End.

Take anguish and grief,
and sprinkle it with some spite.
Add a dash of self hatred,
and some pain till it tastes right.

Don’t forget betrayal,
to give it that bitter note.
Maybe just a pinch of love,
to bring the sweetness to your throat.

And you can’t forget addiction,
any one will do.
Maybe a touch of insanity,
if you want some zest to this stew.

Now, Once Upon A Time,
you tried this meal,
and Happily Ever After,
was certainly not how you feel.

I’m afraid that if we keep eating,
then we’ll all be dead soon.
Because what we’ve made is poison,
and hope is our spoon.

So now it’s your choice,
eat up, or start again.
I’d suggest starting over,
cause if you don’t it’s The End.

Did you know that I used to melt at your smile?  That I used to be so overwhelmingly happy in planning little surprises and sweet things for you with just that smile as a repayment.

Did you know that I got so scared when that smile started to become less and less?  That I knew that something was wrong, and even though I was still trying to do those little things that I could see they didn’t mean as much to you.

Did you know that I always blamed myself for us growing apart?  That I would torture myself trying to find the reasons why you had become so distant and unhappy.

Did you know that when I lost you that I lost absolutely everything?  That I honestly felt like someone had taken the purpose of me and threw it away, and that my heart hurt so bad that I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.

Did you know how bad those words would hurt me when you said them.  That realizing that you never loved me, and that you used me to better your situation for seven years took every smile you gave me and turned it into an agony of falseness that I would never be able to escape from.

Do you know that I still love you?  That after everything, I still dream about you and lie awake at night after three years as a slideshow of you runs through my head.

Do you know that even if you never loved me, that you will always be my true love?

Do you know?

Come take my hand,
and we’ll fly away.
To better times,
of yesterday.

We’ll search for places,
that are thin between.
We’ll find the tears,
and slip in unseen.

In between to nothing,
that exists there.
Where we can be alone,
without these cares.

Or we can travel through,
to the next world beyond.
Find the next in between,
and truly be gone.

We can find a place,
where we don’t exist.
Or we can choose to fall,
into the abyss.

Just be brave now,
and take my hand,
and let’s fly away,
to Neverland.

Why is it so hard,
to simply let you go?
It feels like you just left,
but that was three years ago.

How can it still hurt,
after all of that time?
I’m so far from ok,
even though I say I’m fine.

I miss so many things,
that you brought to my life.
I miss your laughter and smiles,
and calling you my wife.

I miss running my fingers,
through your ***** blonde hair.
I miss being happy,
it’s just simply not fair.

Now the person I am,
has changed so ******* much.
Now I just go through the motions,
of living and such.

I try to be angry,
and hide behind hate.
I try to rhyme you away,
but the pain won’t abate.

I just really miss you,
and I just don’t feel whole.
You took my heart when you left,
but you also took my soul.

You were, and still are,
everything to me.
Now I love you from afar,
and that’s how it has to be.

Maybe one day,
I’ll finally let go of you,
but not today,
today I don’t want to.

So I’ll see you tonight,
and in my daydreams today.
Maybe you see me too,
but if you don’t, it’s ok.

If I die tomorrow,
would I simply disappear?
Living flesh and memories,
that both grew for years.

Do I have a choice,
about what happens next?
Or are we simply ****** into a game,
with no written rules or text.

Can I choose to stay and watch them grieve,
can I still touch their face?
Even if they can’t see me,
they might feel warmth from my embrace.

Will I be sentenced to torture,
for breaking the rules?
Or perhaps my memories will fade,
unraveling like a spool.

I’ve tried to love all people,
and listen to my heart.
So please let me stay awhile,
because it’s tearing them apart.

The mystery of “after”,
is the cruelest thing to do.
Please let me do something,
one whispered “I love you “.

Heaven may be paradise,
but you pay for luxury,
and leaving behind my loved ones,
is too steep a price for me.

So if it’s all the same to you,
I’ll stay behind with them,
because they need me more than you do,
and to leave them would be a sin.

My breath disappears,
and my knees become weak.
You say that your sorry,
as these tears stream your cheeks.

Time suddenly stops,
and my breath will not come.
Standing here speechless,
broken and numb.

A moment in time,
that I will never forget.
The moment you left,
and filled my heart with regret.

My breath suddenly comes,
in short ragged strokes.
My eyes become blurry,
and burn as I choke.

You wipe away tears,
as you turn and walk away.
As i'm fighting for words,
for something to say.

I say the three words,
that echo in my mind.
I whisper "I love you",
the only words I can find.

You hesitate for a second,
and then keep walking on.
My heart slowly breaks,
and just like that you are gone.

A moment in time,
and a heart that won't mend.
The day that I lost you,
my true love, my best friend...

Today I woke up,
so it’s going pretty well.
Tomorrow might be different,
if it is then farewell.
The next day?
Well, that would be a blessing,
and I’ve learned that to count that,
would be obsessing.
Obsessing?
Counting days like a health bar,
poison is draining it,
and Mario took the star.

Just ******* bleh.
****.

Bottle an emotion,
or put it in a pill.
I’m trying to move forward,
but I’m only standing still.

Past becomes the present,
but my presence is in the past.
A nightmare that’s grown teeth,
to tear me apart at last.

What do you see in him,
that you didn’t see in me?
Why was I so horrible,
that you had to get free?

Now I need medication,
to fill the void that’s left,
but I cannot find the colors,
that left my soul bereft.

Am I really crazy?
I only ask cause I can’t tell.
Every day that I wake up,
is like waking up in hell.

Emotionally castrated,
full of wounds that never heal.
I wish I could be normal,
but I’ve lost the ability to feel.

It breaks my heart to think,
that there is no going back.
Because the past is now the present,
and the colors are all black.

So I guess that leaves the future,
and all I can do is hope.
Hope that my future past,
will allow for me to cope.