What do I have to do to be the one?

I speak from my heart
But all it does is makes you drift apart.
I thought what we were making was genuine But was I even yours to begin?

I gave you my soul.
You took a piece now I'm missing a hole.

Only you can fill that void but every time I hear your voice I can't even move my mouth to make a noise..
So I get a little faded hoping it would give me courage and it doesn't, I'm sure.

You say you I mean the world to you but to me you're the universe.
I care too much about you it hurts.
I'm paranoid about you; who is she?
**** never mind. That's my insecurities.

Me or them?
How do I win?

I've missed you
I can't wait to get back to you
I know I said I hated you
But can I still have you?

I always wondered how I could get so broken
You never listened to the words that were spoken
Telling me I'm the one but why was I chosen?
You admired me but not my devotion

I don't understand how I got so open
For you to act right, that's what I was hoping
But every time you ****** up and I exploded
I got so angry and started spillin' my raw emotion

Played and used like a token
All the love I gave you, I'm revoking
This poem I'm loathing
****.. I need to get back focused

Years later and my thoughts still flutter
I don't know why but I wonder
What'd it be like if we didn't stutter
'*** now I keep closing my heart like shutters

Too young to know what love really was
Too young to know what love really does
But I do know I was a fool for you
There wasn't anything do wouldn't do for you

I talked about you like diamonds
No matter how hard it was I kept trying
The good, the bad, the ugly
I'd do whatever it took for you to love me

No I didn't want to end it
But we had to stop pretending
Now I only see you in the rear
Our love is a box of souvenirs

It's not that I'm blaming you
It's not that I'm shaming you
I'm trying to fit the pieces in my mind,
So I could keep from framing you.

I don't know what religion is
Who or what to believe in
Hot 'n cold,
My faith changes like the seasons.

Our puzzle pieces scrambled
I swear I had it handled
Somewhere along the way,
We flew off the handle.

Landed feet first
You would've thought my feet hurt
But I slipped on gravel,
And ****** up my t-shirt

There is this light. Shining so bright it sort of hurt your eyes at first. Then you get used to it and slowly but surely you open your eyes wide enough to see the beauty that stood before you. Something so simple but so hard to obtain was literally standing in front of me. It almost felt unrealistic until I realized the only person making it unreal was me. Still I couldn't understand how to get it or what it would really feel like. Almost as if I was scared to experience it. Anything I ever touched that was beautiful turned to stone. Leaving it only to be a memory or something to gaze at. So how do I grab this magnificent light that was in front of me holding a magnitude that was unexplainable. I had no idea and I was afraid. Afraid of trying or afraid of feeling; I still don't know. Maybe I was too comfortable sitting in the shadows looking in from the outside. Manipulating myself to believe it was just an illusion to dreamers and the hopefuls. Or maybe I simply wouldn't know how to enjoy this light. I wanted to... I want to. But the longer I took, the further away this light seemed to be. I tried pulling myself away from the shadows but it was latched deep, too deep into my body, my veins, and especially my mind. Maybe it was the anxiety. The fear. The insecurity. The doubt. The uncertainty... of the whole thing not being genuine. And I knew that if I didn't try, I'd never know.

I just let you tell me that I needed to change myself
Instead of telling you how I felt
I wish I had a wishing well
So I could wish you well
They say only time could tell

Well..

It told me alot
It told me that I'm no longer needed in this spot
As much as I did for you, it costs alot
Which caused alot
I see what you wanted you got

But you really didn't care
As long as you got your share
You didn't care to spare
It's not really fair
Either way I've paid my fare

As much as I would love to feel
I have no cards left to deal

I never knew how to love myself
Ending up trying but I just loathe myself
Some say it's insecurity
And some say I need help

It's kind of difficult
All these battles I've fought,
Internally...
But I'll admit it's still hurting me

The decisions I've made in the past
The mistakes I can't take back
Secrets no soul will ever know
Stories that will never be told

Wondering how did I let it get this far
How did I let it get this hard
To be happy and open up
Every time I try I get choked up

Buried inside my own soul
Regrets I have to let go
How can I tell my truth,
Without losing you?

So I was just thinking... and I wanted to write something that would resonate in people's heart but then something crossed my mind.
There's this boy.
I've never met anyone like him, in fact, he's one of a kind.
I don't mean to sound cliché but it's true.
I've never had someone look at me the way he does & he does it with such grace.
Sometimes I try to imagine what would my life be like if he wasn't in it.
But I can't.. I wouldn't want to know what it'd be like.
His mouth stretches from ear to ear exposing his bright smile that I adore.
Ya know it's kind of funny how I let someone in.
I mean I had this sort of wall that he unknowingly took down..
I'm not afraid to feel vulnerable -- he gives me nothing to doubt.
The way he holds me I feel like all my worries and troubles fade out of my conscience.
This is a kind of love I've never had -- real love.
I lay my head on his chest and just listen to it beat at a steady pace.
This is where I wanted to be,
wrapped in his embrace where I felt at home.
A home that I long for every time I have to leave it -- him.
His eyes are this deep shade of brown I have yet to figure out, but I am very close.
His lips sit so plump and move so gracefully you'd think he's speaking a foreign language -- the language of love.
Ya know I was doing fine by myself, I was making it.
But when I stumbled upon him, I wanted to know more.
And suddenly I couldn't get enough.
He is like my favorite bottle of *** -- he's intoxicating.
His troubles are my troubles, his worries are my worries.
This boy.. Oh this boy my first real thing.
No I don't care for who was before me and what they were like.
Because just like him, I'm one of a kind.
The things we could be are limitless -- to infinity and beyond..
So I was just thinking... and I wanted to write something that would resonate in people's heart but then something crossed my mind.
There's this boy.
And I'm intoxicatingly in love with him.

Stop.. Why are you crying?

Because you told me I couldn't
Therefore I didn't

You taught me to loathe myself.
And now you come back like "hope all is well."

It's taking me time
Only time could tell

Well..

Everyday I'm learning how to keep it moving
Everything you said "no" to, I'm doing

I'm not afraid,
Anything I didn't do yesterday I'm doing today

I swear..

You altered me
But wonder where's my originality

I hate talking to you because you don't listen
You force me to become a beast within

This is why I can't let anybody in
This is why I repent my sins

Getting my daily bread but it feels like I'm giving in

I thought you loved me enough to send me out in this world
I was supposed to be your #1 girl

But you tricked me

Let me down and filled with insecurity
Let me drown and think I wasn't worthy

Stop.. Why am I crying?
*Because if I said I forgive you I'd be lying

I sat at door of bathroom wishing he would open it. I banged for hours trying to wake him up. I started panicking, I couldn't breathe.. I cried hysterically rummaging the room looking for a small object to use as a key. Nothing.. I couldn't find anything. Think. Think.. What am I going to do now? Okay, think.. I started shoving the door with my right shoulder and it hurt so bad but I couldn't stop, not until the door was open. It started cracking then it broke with the **** hanging off. I pushed the door open but his body was in the way of me completely opening it. My eyes began to fill with tears as I started screaming his name for him to wake up. I pushed the door open as much as I could and entered. The sight was horrifying.. He laid there pale with a spoon on the floor and a needle still stuck in his arm. I slowly took the needle out of his vein on his left arm. Was he dead? I weeped, banging on his chest. Wake up.. please.. Instantly I turned the shower on. I grabbed him by his upper body and got him in enough for the water to hit him. Nothing.. He wasn't moving, he wasn't breathing.. I slammed the water off and started dragging him into the bedroom. I laid on his lifeless body. He was cold.. My baby was so cold.. God I needed him just as much as he needed his fix. I didn't want to be in this alone. I didn't want to be alone. I used the broke down hotel phone and called the ambulance. I kiss his forehead and walked out the room. I tried to take a deep breath of fresh air but it just felt like I was swallowing a gigantic pill. I started gasping for air and my stomach went into knots. Him dying wasn't the hardest part, walking away was...

It went from crying out of anger to crying out of pain
The times I felt alone to the times I felt shame

The lost adolescent...
Still learning from her lessons & appreciating her blessings

I bathed in the depths of the darkness and hoped to come out pure
Every time I looked in the mirror I wasn't sure

That's not me, that her
She was screaming so loud I had to purge

Suddenly she stopped
I stood there & I watched

All the sorrows leaking from her pores
All the despair soaking in the floor

Seeping down to the chamber of hearts
Wondering how mine got so ripped a part

I had these moths flying around in my stomach
Emptiness & cold *******

Every now and then I stepped down from my throne
Entertained clowns and laughed at their jokes

I even comforted fools
Then suddenly I stumbled into you..

These moths turned into butterflies
I bet you didn't even know our first kiss had me mesmerized

Overwhelmed with excitement
Having someone to complement my intellect was enticing

You really are someone worth writing for
Not to mention your worth riding for

I could finally wear my crown without having to cover its shine
Knowing your shine is just as bright as mine

I guess I wouldn't have to say how it felt when I looked in your eyes
Needless to say that's what woke up these butterflies

she didn't sleep,
but she was never woke.

many words,
but never spoke.

never laughed,
nor cried.

never spoke the truth,
but didn't lie.

she had confidence,
yet many insecurities.

always sinned,
but full of so much purity.

she was everything and nothing all at once.

You said you loved me

Then you laughed

Ever since then I knew,

you didn't mean that...

Have you ever drowned in your own thoughts of overthinking and contemplating?
Trying to breathe but your anxiety won't let you stop shaking

You said you no matter what you'd always be here
So how come when I'm reaching out you're never there

Why make promises to only abandoned me?
I'm speaking more literally than figuratively

This overwhelming feeling of loneliness is too much to bare
Did I not do enough for you to leave me in despair?

All I ever wanted was someone to listen and wipe away the tears
Someone to talk me down from the ledge and talk away the fears

But I've just got stuck with a voicemail and no response
Except the operator and the pain exploding in the ambiance

He kissed me tight
Enough to know he could be mine
We mixed cheese with the wine
He glorified himself the whole night
And somewhere down the line
He started to cry...
I'm not sure why he fell apart
So I held his head close to my heart
I let him listen to the beat
Hoping it'll help him fall asleep
But he laid awake with his tears hitting the ground
No noise, his sniffling was the only sound
He tried to explain
Quickly, I stopped him from the detailed pain
I knew what was going on
But how was I supposed to go on
We sat in the silence
Letting out hearts reminisce
Laying on the floor were a pair of red heels
That's when it all began to feel real
I slowly tiptoed to the kitchen counter
And each second my heart pounded louder
I grabbed the biggest knife
Slightly holding it to my right side
He sat up staring me in my eyes
But I couldn't let him go, he's the love of my life
My hands got sweaty & knees grew weak
I raised my right hand & he started to shriek
Scream, screech, squeal
If I can't have him nobody will
His blood splattered all over me
But I kept stabbing until he couldn't ******* breathe
What did he expect,
I told him I love him to *death

I would say all the good things about you but there's no reason
I would still have these wounds open and leaking
I fought for you til my hands started bleeding

All these lies you kept spoon feeding
Still in disbelief
I'm finally feeling defeated
All the mistreatment


Not physically
But emotionally
If you couldn't love me
Then why keep me

Gave my all like no other
To watch you give it to another
Took my heart and buried it six feet under
I tried to be your lover

Instead you stole my love and perished me
Locked it up and threw away the key
Into the deep blue sea
While it sinks deepening my insecurities

Please...

You had me on the run
Had my heart shot like guns
*But one day I'll be the right one
To the right one...

I miss you
Don't know how many times I can say it

Sometimes I wish I could hear your voice
So I could save it and replay it

Remembering the laugh that roared out
Nothing but faded memories now

The times you've visted me at my house
Or the times we stayed up late and you talked about buying your Mom a house

These are the bittersweet moments I cherish
If only I knew you would perish

Why couldn't I have spoken up sooner  
Maybe I wouldn't feel so blue

I would've said something better if I knew
Devastated when I saw your picture on the news

I remember when someone said it was an accident
But accidents don't just happen

She's a girl with daddy issues
Save the the tears & the tissues

She ended up getting used & abused
Looking for a daddy that was supposed to be you

He kissed her neck & choked her
Said he loves her then deep stroked her

Day & night knocking on every door
Hoping one day she'd knock on yours

But there was never an answer
Clear high heels, she became a dancer

Nose ran from the blow
Dripping, she liked to watch the blood flow

This time she went the farthest she could soar
Ripping deep into her veins, letting it pour

This was pain she couldn't stop
Dying to be somebody she's not

She laid there, left to bleed

One... Two... Three...
As she whispers, *“Daddy please rescue me”

Nowadays they want you to have a big bust , slim waist , big **** , pretty face.
Half naked , trying to fill a void they think males are supposed to validate.

Trying to be something their not which leads to self hate.
Slow down , stay at a steady pace.

We're young running fast to win a race.

Fixated on being the definition of beauty , we don't clean our plates.
We wake up & beat our face.

With cosmetics faces looking like cake.
They love our breast but disregard our brains.

We can say anything as long as we have an *** to shake.
This society is a disgrace.

We look for social approval from birth.
Strongest creatures on the Earth, but we still hurt.

I thought of you & shed a couple tears
It's painful thought to remember you're not here
Months have passed but it feels like years
  
I can't hear you laugh or see you smile
But if I had the chance , for you I'd walk miles
Even if we could only reminisce for awhile

Your life was taken but you were taken to a better place
I swear I'd do anything to see your face

**** God... Why can't you bring him back
He did a quick sixteen
Now it's over, it's a wrap
Why didn't you stop the bullet before it attached

He didn't even have a chance to bloom...
Now he's six feet deep in a cagged room

He makes me want to give up writing because the pain is too deep to describe
Maybe I'm exaggerating but hurt doesn't lie
I had it all figured out then it all fell apart
Now I've froze over with a cold , empty heart
I let you slip through my fingers by ironically gripping too tight
But I wanted you so much I was still willing to fight
I know you still have love left for me, even if it's just an ounce
Your slightest attention still made my heart pound
I try but I can't get you out of my mind
With you, there is never enough time
To describe the feeling you've made me feel
Or the open wound still dying to heal
The memories fading but the heart still remembers
Now I'm stuck in a preoccupied September
Reminiscing about the summer
When it seemed like I had you forever
I'm trying to pick up the pieces
But my hands won't stop bleeding
If I had one wish
I'd stop you from leaving

Lips dusted with *******
Every kiss has you addicted

Sniffing out all this pain
To make it through the life im living

Selling my soul for pocket change
Hoping to see the end of the day

Slits on my wrists
Looking like a checklist

Internal bruises
And burnt cigarette lips

Sleepless nights
Staring at the city lights

Inhalation and contemplation
Oh, how devastating the decisions im making  

I used to be this rose growing from the concrete
Now I'm just a penny lying on the street

**** boy, I thought you were by my side
I couldn't read in between the lines
'*** I was mesmerized & hypnotized
By your big brown eyes

Thought we had the same feelings
But I guess I was only appealing
To your eyes used for seeing
And not believing

When you saw, what did you see?
You looked at me
Then asked me “Are you happy?”
That what we had was unraveling

Nobody compares to you
With all the things you put me through
I slipped saying “I love you”
And you still played me like a fool
...........

She drinks when she feels the tears coming in
Drowning away from all her sin

Feeling unloved & unwanted
Everything from her past haunted
                        
She thinks, ‘how could this be my life
What have I not done right ?’
                      
With all her demons she had to conquer
She tried her hardest to prosper

Fakes her smiles & you can't even tell
She's been through everything, even to Hell  

But what happens when you don't like what's looking you in the mirror ?
She screams so loud but no one can hear her

She wears makeup because she doesn't like the face she's wearing
She moves in ways that are daring

She acts her ego because she's insecure
Finding reject at every open door

She smokes instead of cries
Hiding every tear inside

Struggling to fill that void in her chest
Never knowing she was already the best

Cutting open her flesh
Putting her life to the test

But when you see the pain in her eyes
Your heart will begin to die...

Picture this as we slip into a bliss
An infatuation soon to be missed
The bittersweet feeling
A fragile wound longing for healing
The way your eyes meet mine
For eternity I'd be fine
Let us embrace this adventure
The desire for unforgettable pleasure
A kiss to seal the deal
Just to make it real
Like aged wine
It tastes better over time
Gently caress my heart
And take it with you when we drift apart
I may be a hopless romantic
But this feeling has made me frantic
I'll shed one tear & give cheers
That life has gotten me here
So if this could ever be l-o-v-e unraveling
Please don't catch me when I'm falling

We used to be so close
But I played with your heart
I let pride get in the way
And break us apart

I wish I could change the past
But that doesn't matter
Because I can't bring you back
And that makes my soul shatter  

We didn't speak for awhile
But I used to be yours  
Now I understand when they say:
**When it rains, it pours

Her skin was made of caramel
With purple highlights through her dreads
Hazel eyes that made me melt
And luscious lips of red

A girl I've never met
Yet we seemed so close
We laid down in bed
And began ripping off our clothes

I grabbed her wrists
As she went down to feast
My fantasy spun into a bliss
With her desire she needed to feed

Her fingertips brush my lips
She looked me in the eyes
This was the end of it
**Girl of my dreams, but this girl was mine

Now she's eighteen
But she feels twenty-one

Dancing at a *******
You could believe she's the dopest one

As Miami's hottest *****
This was the life she's accustomed to

Selling pounds of white
She was a hustler too

Broken hearted;
A few slits on her wrist

Trust issues;
It was hard for her to commit

But then she fell dangerously
For a man named Roman

Though he wasn't a blessing
*He was an omen

She was used to the game
And she played it well

Tattooed “мαn єαтєя”
And been through hell

She found a **** who she thought raised her
But really he enslaved her

Spread her wide open
Just to tame her

She was reclaimed
Gripping the sheets as she forgot her name

Unleashing his demons
He went deeper releasing his ******

Shouting and calling him “Daddy”
*Diana felt him thrusting her to agony

She looked twenty-one
But she was only fifteen

Trying to play with the big boys
They turned her into a dope fiend

She fulfilled the term
Being “down for the team”

Thought she had control
Until she ended up on the streets;  

Selling her body
Letting strangers get knees deep

How could her parents sleep, knowing their little girl's in the streets
Getting preyed on, like a wolf to a sheep  

Her skin so pale and legs so weak
*She prayed to God to die in her dreams

**** dedication
I was too impatient
I should've checked myself into the Asylum
of the Insane
And been the main patient
With fragmented poems, begging to be sedated
Suicide being contemplated
Waking up to strange faces
Forced to be abrasive
Trying to concentrate
These needles in my vein
To regulate the pain
So the emotions can delay
The pale face with black tear stains
                            
****...                              

I wish I could never wake, I'm losing myself trying to stay sane

Eyes feeling low
Mind feeling lifted

I don't know if I'm high or if I'm gifted
Selling souls but then I flipped it
Into bodies of the livid
Very lucid, to be descriptive
I went to graves and fulfilled the dead spirits
Prada, who said the Devil doesn't wear it

Demolished hope to walk over
With spiked out chokers
And demons spitting out fire and horrid odor  

The Lord was facing a lack of attendance
I'm not the Devil but I'm her *apprentice