i hate how easily i can be forgotten
left as an afterthought
although i don't know how long for
just know i'm still around
you shower her with gifts and treats
while i'm treated like ****
you ridicule me, beat me and enjoy each part of it
leaving everything sore you smile
you see a bruise and laugh
a cut couldn't make you happier
a burn would be twice that
is there no way forward?
i don't want to be scared all my life
never daring to come alive
because right now i'm the walking dead
there's nothing left in me anymore
you've broken me down so much
it's as far as i can go
i wake up every morning
for what? i don't know
i only have but one request dad,
it's for you to let me go

my mind feels black
swallowed up in darkness
nothing can save me
i dont need saving
this is where i want to be
lost and isolated
alone
finally
away
from him
from them
left only with the words inside my head
and the blade inside my hand
and the blood on the ground
and the dried tears on my face
he cant hurt me here
he wont hurt me
these arents his words anymore
they're mine

Surrounding our every decision air envelopes us in a way that feels right, needed.
Our choices made clear and immediately diminished in comparison to its calm demeanour.
Seeming insignificant in it's presence.
We conform, unwilling to understand what consenquences may perhaps come forward if these actions aren't fulfilled.
Yet we can't exist without it, we hunger for it.
Holding it close we let it in.
Allow it to become one.
Before you realize what it's capability can expand to.
Too much can change everything and just enough feels infinite.

inhaling the third time, it hits me
giddy and careless, i smile
there's no where else i'd rather be
just here
with you
under this umbrella in the pouring rain
my clothes are still getting wet
but it doesn't matter
nothing does right now
nothing matters

it doesn't get better

stood at the stands
our hands catching the wind
we shout every word
as she starts to sing

"it's so selfish of you to want more when others have so much less"
i'm sorry that i want a family who cares
i apologise for needing them to get on
it seems stupid of me to want them to accept my sexuality
crazy to even think i deserve someone
who believes my mental health is a real problem
i can't believe that i would ever ask not to be forced into a religion
a mindset i don't agree with
"still, it could be worse
you could be living in a war zone
starving to death
with no family at all"
what you don't know is that i'm constantly at war with myself
that my bulimia can't be controlled
that the family i have wish that i would disappear and rid them of their problems
don't pretend to understand
i already have too many people that fit into that category

Circulating around our bodies.
Emanating within us.
Blood contains the action of life as without death becomes apparent.
It's otherworldly appearance striking fear to the eye.
A distance remaining as hot blood can so easily turn cold.
Heartless.
Temper unpredictable, no reason for its outburst.
But still the desire lets itself be known.
Amounting to more than your will, the crave, the hunger, the need and the unhealthy obsession.
But always the danger, the lust and the calming comfortable ambience it presents with its presence.

Chiseled slightly, drained from colour.
Bones now just imitations of life, these remains left forgotten.
Realisation that it can all end so easily, your existence left insignificant.
Known more for it's death than it's eight years of life.
Sudden change changes everything, comes unannounced, death forces you to comply, to conform.
To make the illusion of your short lived life worth something.
Pieced together in a haphazard puzzle, never explained.
It's true story left unknown.

you don't understand
how much it took for me too finally ask you out
and how happy it made me feel
when you said yes
i was so happy
finally, happy
you told me it was mutual
you felt the same
now it's beginning to feel like a twisted game
you go away on summer camp
you say you're having doubts
i thought you'd at least give us a chance
but it was over before the month was out
why allow me to believe you liked me
when you only saw us as friends?
why allow me to smile and be happy
when you were just waiting for it to end?
what do you expect me to say now
when i'm sat here crying?
knowing you had no intention
of ever really trying
there's nothing more i can say
now than it hurts
and that she won't be the same
because it was me who loved you first

Some days I lose inspiration
To write the words I feel
But when I put it into words
The feelings seem so much more real

I write my words of sadness
Scribbled on a page
In between spaces are
My heartbreak and my rage

The feelings I can't tell them
Or the things I just can't show
But behind my eyes I'm hurting
More than you'll ever know

what are you going to do when your body's lowered?
alone in the dark with only your past.
blurred vision
drowning in delirium
what are you going to do when your body's ready to decay?
you really thought you were here to stay
what difference to the world have you really made
think again my friend
because it could all change
today actually just might be your day

consumed by pain, my eyes they close
these tears they drop as you get closer
i want you gone and yet you stay
hand in hand, we walk away
listening to you, i start to believe
that there's nothing more that i need
no food, no sleep, no therapy
just us together, you and me
you walk me closer to the edge
you push me off and leave me dead
consumed by pain, my eyes they close
only difference this time is that they won't open

My mothers beginning to worry
I don't eat enough
I'm glad to know she cares
But it isn't love

My fathers asking me if i'm alright
And I tell him a lie
I'm just as close to him
As any other guy

My friends don't ask
They don't see the signs
They don't look for sadness
Or my scarring lines

So I keep my fake smile
To keep them all away
Because even if I told them
They'd all leave anyway

there was a time
when i struggled to feel
and now it consumes me

the words that were once too hard to say
now fall out of my mouth
but you still don’t wanna hear them

looked at, talked about, judged
moving away, leaving but they won't budge
drive you crazy, wondering, hoping
yet you just sit around, alone, "moping"
"your life has no meaning!" "go **** yourself" "die"
in that corner, crying, "don't do it" "why?"
time passes slowly the end approaching
you welcome it happily so long you've been waiting
even now it couldn't come quick enough
so long, farewell to all this stuff

it sits like november rain on my skin
enough to chill what was once warm inside
at any other time I would have called a friend
asked for the warmth I needed to ward it off
just a little is enough
nnow I just let it come
drop by drop
i feel like it's an ocean falling upon me instead of rain
that the grief of years I carefully suspended
has all condensed right above my head into a cloud
large enough to block the sun
they say it can't rain forever, that there will come a time
when it must cease, that the last drop will have fallen
thing is, i just don't care
i plan to just stay here in the cold, comfortably numb

Raw beauty of the Earth refines itself.
The Earth and it's people need each other as without it survival is limited.
Perhaps the want of need affects one more so than the other.
Greed, hunger, it lusts for its reality to change.
The nostalgic feel of home, of nature draws you in and permits you to leave yet you decide against it.
The Earth changeable within itself.
Never truly knowing its own true intentions.
Lethal.
Dangerous.
But forever secure.
Your choices insignificant, your memories, your judgement clouded as two big egos are never compatible.
Yet you both crave it.
The difference.

it feels as if i'm walking on egg shells
trying desperately to keep everyone happy
being careful not to upset anyone around me
i mustn't disturb the order
but i'm starting to lose my balance
and i'm worried it'll be me
who will end up broken

sitting here empty
staring into space
wanting to scream
wanting to cry
wanting to finally let it all out
yet so emotionless
too tired to feel

i have eyes that only shine
in the sunlight
these eyes hide
in the darkness
and even though
i've got shooting stars
some wishes can't cover the pain
i've scarred my heart with

It's able to diminish existence, to end life.
Fire can slowly destroy everything.
It's appearance almost therapeutic.
A glance transports you to another word , one where you're left alone to think and to reminisce.
It's auburn shade and blistering touch oddly appeals to the senses guiding you to the error of the world.
Fire can be demanding.
Can control and force you to reconsider your decisions.
It can make you conform to its ways yet you allow it.
You welcome it because what's a world without danger.

I found you
I found myself when I found you
I wasn't alone anymore I had you
I was put together there were no more missing pieces
We were the perfect puzzle
Onlookers envied what we had
We had so many crazy memories
memories I haven't yet been able to forget

Then I lost you somewhere
There were fights, disagreements
So our puzzle just broke
We feel apart piece by piece
I tried everything I tried so hard to fix that puzzle
I couldn't accept that the pieces
just didn't fit together anymore

I lost myself
I found you pieces reconnecting with new pieces
My pieces left alone again
Torn
Shattered
Alone in their box

I just want one last look
at the beautiful puzzle we shared
even though it won't help me get over the pain
The pain that has ruled over me for months
I guess I  just can't close the lid to that box

A girl, just a girl
Can’t go out, can’t Converse
Because I’m a girl, just a girl
I want to be heard too
I want to have the same freedom my brother does
Not bear the fear of being judged
Being told I can’t but how could I forget that
I’m a girl, just a girl
I’m supposed to sit quietly and tolerate it all
Can’t go anywhere and simply enjoy
Even out here so far from home
Because I’m a girl, just a girl
Why is it that me being a girl allows
You to make decisions for me?
Because that’s just it
I’m not just a girl!

i feel weightless
as if i'm invisible
i could float away
like a star
that no one would wish on
no one would notice
and for once, i would be free
no longer stuck to this hell I call home

lying here on the kitchen floor beaten and bruised
lying here on the kitchen floor looking at you
i know just what i need to do
do you all a favour and leave for good
there's so many ways that i could
i could climb this chair to the ceiling fan
tie a knot in the rope and leave me to hang
i could find that gun hidden in the walls
one good shot should end it all
i could seek out that blade
lose my sense of right and wrong
a few deeper cuts, it shouldn't take long
all i'm saying is that i could leave here tonight
but you wouldn't care, wouldn't put up a fight
a suicide note i've had no time to write
mum, dad i'm saying goodnight

you see him constantly breaking me down
his words like daggers, his arms around
my neck, i drop and fall to the ground
my words stuck, i cant make a sound
i can't protest, i can't even cry
still too numb to even try
i can't breathe, i can't breathe

i can't breathe, i can't breathe
mum, dad i truly need
for you be here with me
why can't you be here with me
why can't you see
that there's only
so much more that i cant take
the abuse, the tears, the heartbreak
it might become too much for me
i think it's becoming too much for me
some days, i just want to close my eyes and leave
- but i wake up the same old me
the one that i don't want to be

all the pain that i've felt
i can feel washing away
every word of his, it's like
a brand new day

i can feel myself drifting
slowly
like the water that carries these boats
the clouds that take over the sky and then disappear
living on borrowed time
my own existence is temporary
and unlike this water, unimportant
the water runs one way
i drift aimlessly
no end is foretold
endless possibilities
and yet
i can just so easily cease to exist
throw it all away
decide for myself how my story will be told
they’ll say ‘she lived’
so i must

without me, their lives go on,
not once have they cared
no once have they called
for me to come to them
so they can let me know
that they do love me
and that i am cared for
maybe this is all i need
to be here all alone
and though i'm not content
and know i'll never be
i guess i've got to accept
the life that's given to me

i wake up every morning
and i make breakfast
i sit beside you and i eat
i read and sometimes make conversation too
but you don't know me enough
to know that i'm not really there
you haven't really ever tried
you see the scars painted across my thighs
you hear me crying to myself at night
it doesn't matter that you never see me smile
because i'm still here
still alive
if i was to leave tonight
without even saying goodbye
would you care then
would you try
would you finally realise
that i needed you to love me, mum
and you let me down
night after night
you've let me down one too many times
and here i am telling you, goodbye

cut me open
and let all the
ink run
from these veins,
until my words
bleed dry,
and only
blank pages remain.

sometimes I think to myself am
i the only sane one left but right now
it seems as if
it's all me
it's my fault, whatever
it is
my mental health being as unstable as
it is
it's my fault
my mum only ever showing the illusion of happiness
it's my fault
i've been told i can't do anything right so why should
i bother trying at all trying to move forward, to make progress
why can't i just end
it?

i don't really ever feel like this
but i'm here and i feel present
and i'm glad

i’ve lost our footprints in the sand
lost to your tide

Everything’s shaking
My mind can’t decide what to believe
My starry skies disappear behind your darkness
Time has passed and you remain
The memories, the pain
Consume me entirely
I see the smiles and the laughter and my face moves accordingly
I’m trying but they see right through me
They know
Where have I gone
I was right here and now
I’m right there with you
That’s all you wanted
My stars in your sky
My system blank
My lights all out

dizzy with anger
the light dims in my head
why the **** does it matter to what they said?
i fall to the floor
letting the water envelope my naked body
everything is sore
i refuse to understand
to comply
hot tears race down my face
why do i ever bother and try?
when all i end up doing is crying
i looks down at my arms sighing
the water turns a crimson red
would it be so bad if i was left here dead
all these thoughts spiralling through my head
because it really does matter to me what they said

let me be your most
brightest reflection in the
darkest night,
let me clear the cloud
of your ominous dark sky

listen to the sound of me
screaming, aching, begging
for something, anything
pleading to simply be
listen to the sound of my feet
pacing, back and forth
questioning everything
refusing to understand
listen to the sound of my heart
trying desperately to keep me alive
despite my many attempts on ending it all
listen to the sound of society
telling me i'm wrong, broken
that my choice to love is sinful
that i'm forgoing a place in 'heaven'
listen to the sound of me
telling the world i don't care
that "if i'm losing a piece of me
maybe i don't want heaven"
maybe all i want is to be

you could shred me to the core
and i'd let you

love is a big word
hard to understand
easy to misconstrue
i know that i love pizza
i know that i love my friends
but the love there isn't the same
i know that to be able to love anyone else
i need to first love myself
and i know that i don't
i don't love myself

i've never felt like this before
this calm
this peace
surrounded by the greatest friends
i know now they care for me
laughter echoes your living room
your cat, gaining speed
stood together in a line
perfecting that dance routine
eating and drinking
making brand new memories
walking home in the rain
not wanting to ever leave

each day i ask myself
is there ever going to be more?
more than this life that i'm forcing myself to live
i need to know that this all ends well
that my fairy tale ending will happen
that i matter to someone
that i will find my one true love
and we will live happily ever after
that maybe my parents will finally accept me for me
maybe there will come a time when
i stop hiding from myself
when i stop being so afraid of rejection
but then i think what if?
what if there isn't anything more?
what if nothing ever changes?
what if i can't stop hating the person i am?
and i hate thinking like this but i can't stop it
why can't i stop it?
why won't it just stop?
please. make it stop!

music to me is like turning back the clock,
travelling to return to a life of agony and loss
i embrace the music and in turn the music takes control
i find myself in a different world
a world of pain
i could feel my soul become one with the music
as i unleashed my emotions into dance
i needed this as badly as i needed to breathe
my entire body moved with a purposeful clarity
my smile on display for all to see
but no one saw the tear i let roll down my cheeks

while i was there, you never noticed
but now that i've left
you're hoping
that i'll be back running
into your arms crying
but that reality is left broken
after the choices that you made
mum, dad, it's all too late
i wanted things to change
in the end, you're all the same
i'm sorry that you're upset
but it was you who let it get
to the point where i finally left
you alone in that house
that i was forced to call home
i'm making things change
i'm finding my own way
no longer could i stay
and that's something you need to understand

in your arms i feel safe
without them i'm lost, alone and insecure
i know you won't always be here
but i'm selfish
i need you
i need you there when i can't control the tears
i need you there when the voices keep coming
i need you there when the words don't stop
but you wont be and
i need to realise that
...

an icy wind
choking the breath from my lungs
i remember the storm
and all it took
it stayed inside
locked away
a burning shadow
no time to waste

Did you wander the fields the way I did?
Tell the stories that I told?
Ask the questions I never thought to ask?
Were you scared of the dark the way I am?
Did you also dream of a life you could live for yourself?
Did you fight those last few days?
Did you know if your predicament?
Were you as angry at the world as I still am?
Were your questions ever answered?
Did you accomplish anything at all?
Were you able to make the decisions you wanted?
Do you still look over us today?