i have always loved the flowers and the birds,
loved the sunlight and the clouds that drift by
i have always loved the way the leaves move
in a breeze and that soft whispering sound they make
yet the tiredness that begun a while ago
remains like a veil over my skin
grey and cold
and as I watch the petals and the twigs that sway
outside the window
there is only a creeping sorrow where there should be joy.

Shaking hands
with the darkest
part of my thoughts
is like making
a pact with the devil

Perfect
A very confusing yet consuming word
Everybody wants to be perfect
Yet they don't know what it means
Nobody is Perfect
Nobody has ever been perfect
Sure people can think you're perfect
But you can't be perfect to every single person
There are different images of perfect
Every single person strives to be their image of perfect
But I know I don't
I know that I can never achieve that goal
So I strive to be original
Be weird
An outcast
Crazy
An individual
Me

you fell in love with my beauty
both inside and out
you fell in love with my shyness
and the personality that lay beneath
you fell in love with my broken soul
and the pieces that fit with your own
but can you fall in love
with my poisoned mind
and the destruction it brings

i'm gay.
no. i can't be.
i must be staright.
ok fine not straight.
but there's still no way i'm gay.
that ****'s just not okay.
maybe I can call myself bi
and suddenly it all seems right
i did though honestly really try.
but no, definitely not straight
which should be okay.
i shouldn't be scared to go to my parents and say.
mum, dad.
i'm bi.
i shouldn't be judged by the public eye.
for my decision not to date a guy.
the word love isn't up for debate.
regardless of who i choose to date.
love is always the same.
love is love.
it's the butterfly feeling you get in the pit of your stomach each time you see them.
it's the fear in your heart that they might not always be yours.
it's the hope you have for the future.
the smile you see on their face.
love is just that. love.
i've finally accepted myself for who i am.
why can't you do the same ?

all feeling in my body gone
numb
the tears follow
my hand instinctively reaches for the blade
i pull down my sleeve
reminders of yesterday remain
no vacancies
i try again
i lift myself out of my clothes
my battered body reflected in the mirror
joy
my thighs still hold the colour of my skin
and not the rapidly familiar crimson dye
the blade makes its way down
the cold metal devours its target
1, 2, 3
66, 67, 68
83, 84, 85
and on it goes
all done

The words that you want to be said
are never the ones you hear, you change
yourself so far you forget who
you once were. You try and please
everyone yet their expectations are
always too high. You aren't ever good enough.

always here beside me
promised me you'd never go
soon the night came crawling back
and behind it you followed
without your light, the starry skies
they bring me to my knees
once you're gone, all that's left
is this cruel, mocking breeze
all those days you shone
all those times i laughed
you lied to me and now
they're never coming back

the fear embraces me
- the pain gives me comfort
the emptiness is all i need
and all i want
i can go without food
without water
without you -
but what i really seek is the silence

silence is the sole constant
it hangs in the air like the
suspended moment before a falling glass shatters to the ground
clinging like a toxic cloud that could
at any moment choke the life from me
it seeps into - every - pore
its qualities paralytic
i liked it that way

behind the face carrying the biggest smile
the silent screams echo
get them to stop they’re getting too loud
no one knows where I go
when you turn off the light
and you say it’s alright
the girl you meet is not me
stuck in a place only i see
losing my mind, slowly
thoughts rushing inside, so deep
how many times can you believe
this constant fear, on repeat
that this is all that’s left for me?
why can’t I just ******* leave?

Found alone, unappreciated.
Each finger trailing my bones, gazing intensely at me.
These judgemental stares surpass those glares encountered in life.
Found buries beside an untrimmed hedge, a locked door.
Never welcome, never cared for.
The foreign feel of these gloved hands.
This alien touch ******* me from all that I had left.
Nothing is left inmy possession.
Just looked at, not understood.
Each lain brick accounted for, not a thing out of place.
All these indentations eft by footprints mark what should have been my final resting place.

time may heal
but the wound remains

Shining light on even the darkest of places
Enforcing happiness resulting in all sad thoughts to wilt away
It's actions aren't limited to a certain person, place or time yet no one can argue with it's divine way of capturing emotion and guiding it towards the answers that weren't ever thought to be asked.
The childish recklessness you indulge in makes you forget your problems because what problems could a child possibly have.
You allow yourself to go back to a time the illusion of happiness was real because of it.

i remember a time when you were
right here by my side
attached by the hip
not a thing that we would hide
from each other because we were close
and now it feels
as if time has froze
because of the decision
that we chose to make
i know it was me who initiated this break
but each day my poor heart aches
and longs for the familiar feel
of your head on my shoulder
your hands in mine
but here i am serving my time
away from you and the love that you gave
how safe you made me feel
the smile i can't replace
but in my heart i know this is right
i've got to let you go
gotta turn off that light

cleaned my face, fixed my hair
washed away all my tears
now stood here looking at you
wondering why, so confused
i ask around
you say you're fine
but here you are alone crying
how could you have been so stupid
how could you have let them in
you thought that they would change
well darling think again

from rain
should i turn into a storm?
howling like the wind
making noise
to get you to hear me?
more raindrops
more tears
to make you feel
drenched in remorse?
harsher and faster
much like a hurricane
to get you to see
how messed up i am?
when i'm strong
like the storm
would you love me more?

i dont know why you stay
but im so thankful that you do

saw you across the room
laughing so hard, you cried
the perfect smile, the prettiest eyes
you were hiding behind your glasses
but then again so was i
but you delved deeper, tried
to find what i thought was lost inside
you sat there, listened and took the time
to really see what was behind
the face i put on everyday
no questions asked
no games were played
we spoke and spoke and spoke some more
you confirmed to me what i knew before
that i don't ever want to say goodbye
to that perfect smile or those pretty eyes

I want it to end , the pain, the torment
the feeling that I'm being ripped apart from inside out.
I walk around unnoticed
I sit crying, pleading for it all to stop.
I don't want it to feel this way.
There's nothing I can do differently,
it doesn't care.
This black cloud doesn't look at the person before affecting it.
It just does.
It just chooses never to leave.

you fall in love with all the wrong people
you let them in
tell them everything
you trust them
and just like that they're gone
you were once so in love you refused
to see the other side
the fatal flaw
now you realise how stupid you were
all your emotion left raw
i hate this
i hate how much my life revolved around you
i hate that i felt i needed you
because now without you here i feel
nothing

lying on our backs
looking up at the moon
the starless sky stares back at us
i turn to face her
she has her eyes closed
fully immersed in the moment

i'm staring into the void
the darkness so inviting
i think about what it would be like
to let the emptiness consume me
then i think about what it would be like
to stop fighting the urge to jump
into the abyss
all the way down
no more problems
no more me

i see my life hung out to dry
my memories slowly falling to the ground
my mind losing all colour
leaving behind a shell of the person i once was
slowly i shrink

I skip a heartbeat, and still I survive,
Be hit by a car and still be alive.
The clouds could drop right out of the sky,
The oceans could disappear, and all turn dry.

Life wouldn’t be the same without you,
You're there when I need you to help me through.
Through the good times and through the bad,
Be them happy, or be them sad.

I don't have to be with you, to know that you're there,
I don't have to see you, to know that you care.
We could be apart for years upon end,
and still remain the best of friends.

Life goes on, and people change,
Though our friendship still remains the same.
What a life and how things come to be.
Just thought you should know,
How much you meant to me.

tired of being alive
i'm tired of not wanting to be alive
i'm tired of having responsibilities
i'm tired of pretending everything is okay
i'm tired of going to a house that i'm supposed to call home when 
it's not that at all
it's a roof over my head to keep me warm not sane
i'm insane
i'm tired of thinking i'm insane
i'm tired of arguing
i'm tired of having to put in headphones to block out the world
i'm tired of the world
i'm tired of writing about my feelings
i'm tired of hiding my feelings
i'm tired of having feelings
i'm tired of thinking
i'm tired of breathing
i'm tired of being tired

angry, alone, scared
what was i thinking
how could i have dared
to stand up against you
take hold of you hand
still wasn't quick enough
since the sands
of time have already been drained
just like my head in this stupid game
of yours which you continue to play
i keep thinking that someday
things will be different
you'll both change
i guess not so here i stay
like everything else i'll leave this to fate

like a bird
he cut off my wings
the cage is open but my heart it stings
i’m now his puppet
******* by strings
burying me alive
rubble weighing me down  
my heads under water so i will drown
i have no choice for he wears the crown

if someone were to ask me to describe how i feel
i’d point to the naked trees, the empty schools
words no longer hold that ability to describe
even the clouds come and go
mocking me
where the **** are the constants in my life
i miss the regularity
the certainty
that a single thing will remain the same way tomorrow

i'm just so angry, frustrated, mad
its so constant, it builds up, fast
i hate it, you know it, i do
need someone who cares, it used to be you
what happened dad? where did it all go?
did you forget how to love? to show
the emotions i know you had.

i battle the demons inside my head
i fear what they've done
i fear what they've said
in this war, there is no winner
no hope for me
a lonely sinner

There's just so much water.
Blinding to the eye, torturous to the skin.
I fear this is it.
I can feel my laboured breaths mimicking my beating heart.
Time has no importance.
I can sense my eyesight blurring, my body giving way.
Allowing the water to take full control.
I realize that this was inevitable but is still yet delayed.
The water envelopes my body.
Nothing can be kept sheltered, hidden as I've let myself get to this.
My vulnerability becoming me.

i was a burning fire
whose flame you blew out

i was a different person then
i was happy

words stuck in my throat
words i'd never say out loud
words you'd never get to hear
words you'd never want to hear
words i've always wanted to say
words that would change everything
words that need to be said
but these words have found their place
and these words have decided never to leave



I want to be able to smile at You
and have you smile back, to talk to You
and actually visibly see You
having an interest in what i have to say. You
sitting next to me right now just brings
back everything . all those memories of what
i haven't yet been able to forget and how a
simple misunderstanding changed it all. You
there laughing with all your new friends, Your
back to me asking to if it's possible for You
to move to sit next to someone else.
i really thought we could figure it out, You
never allowed it to be any different. You
made it clear to me about what it was You
wanted , never once considered what
my decisions would've been. i'd have chosen You

You don't show any clear emotion, don't permit
Me to begin to understand why this is the way
You react, there is never a real explanation
You never thought i deserved one. i don't think
You know how much i truly felt that need for
You to just accept me, not judge me but
You don't know when to stop because
You enjoy it, enjoying hurting Me

let my lungs ache
like my heart did
maybe then of you my mind would be rid
gone and away
i’ll be sky high
not a care in the world
one last goodbye
why do i suddenly matter when i’m no longer there
can’t be with you
and i can’t be without
you wanted me gone and so i left
if i scream from inside will it echo in your shadows
these thoughts haunt my every night and yet i know they aren’t enough
i don’t want to exist as a distant memory
i want to make it through what they thought i couldn’t
i deserve much more than i’ve allowed myself
it only took time for me to realise it