during these nights, I realize how terribly lonely I truly am.

I'm just so easily replaceable, no one gives a ****.

It hurts so much to feel so worthless.

and I get so used to the point where I'm worn out and useless.

I guess that's the point in which everyone begins to leave.

They're doing this for the better, but it's not what I perceive.

And in these nights I just want to ******* cry.

Because I know no one would shed a tear if tonight I die.

I'm only needed for the benefits of these poor souls.

But where am I in this place besides a 6 foot hole?

You act as if you aren't the root of the statements you deliberately claim.
As if telling me my character is flawed and I am everything to blame.

As if stating that I can not form a sentence without shaking and stuttering is bound to take over my life, crash, and fail.
As if hypocritically saying that I'll end up pregnant with an abusive boyfriend flipping burgers to make ends meet is how my life will sail.

Granted that I'm not even able to make anyone stay with me.
A torment of words in the prison of my home, I feel I'll never be free.  

Let me tell you something, ******.
I was doing much better until you came into my life, stole my mother's heart and ****** her.

Grabbed my hair in the intention to afflict pain and make me cry
Threw us in a cardboard box and you demanded we don't question why.

Moved us into a house for the reason being you wanted to be closer to your workplace.
No consideration of us, you just expected us to put a smile on our face.

Stole the only memories, childhood, and friends I have ever made.
Left in this empty home with my sad thoughts and the pill cabinet to raid.

Only my razor blades and the silence and my head spinning in a whirl.
You talk so high and mighty for a 40 something year old always picking on a melancholic teenage girl.

Like your ***** of a mother, like a ***** of a son.
You can't even handle the consequences when your deed has been done.

You do what your mother does, and take what I hate and use it to hurt me.
It is me that I hate, and you know how much it stings more than a bee.

Brainwashed my mother to be a replica of you.
It's so sad when I see my own mom break my heart in two.

Always said that she'll protect us first.
Until you came along and made that ideation of hers burst.

The inequality of your ethics is completely noticeable.
I'm not a ******* animal, I'm a person you caged in a bubble.

You wonder why I'm the way I am: so emotional, so sad, so problematic.
Even though I'm far from the stereotypical high school teenager statistics.

As much as you've claimed you have done so much good for this family,
You've also broken me too many times for me to count, the irreversible cracks in my brain and heart's anatomy.

You need to stop attacking my very presence.
As much as I hate myself, I'm also my own essence.

Let me get better without tearing me down.
Grow the **** up and stop making yourself look like an immature clown.

I know you'll never see this or even try to listen.
Just know everything comes back around, but until then,

I hope you realize your words are damaging to my very soul.
I hope you fix your **** and bury your insensitivity 6 feet down a hole.

Sometimes I wonder if the razor blades I used to drag onto my skin leaves bits and pieces of itself inside my body.
It would explain why I'm always being pulled back into my room, as if it were a magnet.
It irks me that I always find myself standing in front of my bed and hiding under the covers until a new day begins.
I pull myself out, but I end up in this dull lighted room every single time.
I wish I could stop but my body self consciously just wants to be in here.
Is it the accustomed loneliness? The overwhelming depression? The looming anxiety? It's too much, my brain can't comprehend.
I just think about this while I lay in this ******* tear soaked bed.
I let my mind race while my arm trickles with the damages I've done.
They say blood is thicker than water, but when it's self inflicted drops of blood and bittersweet saltwater tears, they're both just as heavy.
I find myself punching and banging my head against the wall next to my bedroom door.
I can just... turn the **** and ******* leave, but I always stop in front of it as if it were a monster I couldn't defeat.
Am I entrapping myself just to make myself suffer? Do I enjoy this torture? Do I just love watching my knuckles turn green and blue?
I feel like I'm obligated to stay in this stupid room.
Maybe it's the self hatred telling me I deserve to be confined.
Maybe then no one will see my stupid face.
Maybe then no one can hurt me again.
No one else can hurt me but myself.
I know the capabilities to which my own destruction towards myself extends.
Some times I feel like I'm intentionally keeping myself in imprisonment.
I can't love myself because people tell me I must stay away from what I fear.
Fear is supposed to drive me away, not let it become one within me.
And I feel like shooting out my brain will make this white noise ******* stop.
I feel like slitting my veins on my wrists will make everything go away.
It can be so easy to take all this weight off my worn out brain.
All the pain, all the ache, all the hurt, all the suffering, all the torture, all the bruises, all the cuts, all the voices, all the reminders, all the insecurities, it would all just go away.
With just one single movement.
I can interpret this in however I feel would be for the best.
I can either open my bedroom door and run without looking over my shoulder, or I can open up my skin and watch it turn into a red and white color.
I just... need to get up. Move. Go somewhere. Anywhere. Leave. Now.

.... But I can't.

In April, the cherry blossoms bloom.

And so will my impending doom.

get me out of my head before it all begins to crash.
I can already see the fire on my left arm turning my skin into ash.

the once healed streaks begging to be opened once more.
begging for the admiration of the cold sharp metal they much adore.

get me out of my head before my hands begin to shake.
save me from my vision that scatters in my brain like an earthquake.

full of fear and confusion as to why everything is turning gloom.
wondering why, if all you ever wanted was to be loved and put into a safe, warm room.

get me out of my head before my chest begins to tighten.
I'm choking on my own words, tears and breath only to make me feel less enlightened.

I am scared of myself but I can't find refuge or escape.
A battleground worn out and torn by pierced bullets through a heart shape.

get me out of my head before I tear through my flesh.
gauge out my eyes and tear myself apart because I'm such a vile mess.

let the river of veins flow to the surface with its red colored stream.
watch as my world go dim and into an ever-lasting dream.

get me out of my head before I break down and contemplate my fate
get me out of my head before...
****... it's too late.

I was never a bad kid.
I was always the goody two shoes.

Until the day I foolishly fell in love with you like I did.
And your fingerprints became my favorite tattoos.

Imprints all over my body I so gladly let it cover me like silk satin blankets.
We sneaked into places, locking doors with our special keys, revealing our skins like dark and ***** secrets we whisper in the night.

constantly letting the thrill of getting caught by our parents as we giggle late into the sea of stars, twinkling with every "I love you" we would say to each other every 5 minutes.
Even going to the extent of sneaking around confessing to each other about everything under the reflection of the moonlight.

Loving you made me feel so alive, so secure, so dangerous, so amazing, I began to see you in my future as if I suddenly got the chance to see through a crystal ball.
I began to plan where I would be and how much I would need, I even began to think of running away.

You don't realize how much it destroyed me when you said you couldn't do it anymore. I could feel myself spiraling back down in a lonely fall.
And now, here I am, covered in your fingerprint tattoos, and the thoughts of running away just to **** myself without a say.

I look in the mirror, revealing myself, wanting to rip my skin until I see a skeleton.
I lock myself in my room for fear that I'll break down in the places we snuck ourselves into.

Knowing you know all of my secrets too.
I used to be a goody two shoes.

And here I am, sitting on the mattress that started and broke this love,
Wishing I could smoke my lungs to charred black, filling my stomach with hard alcohol, drag the cold sharp metal across my entire body, and lay as I start the beginning of the end,
Only this time, it isn't you and I,

It's just me.

Today is his birthday,
But I don't know what to say.

Other than the ordinary "happy birthday" that everyone else is going to say to him.
I can't help but think about last year when I opened my body to him as a gift on a whim.

With fiery eyes and my legs spread apart, mirroring my heart, as he nervously took my gift of unision.
Now that I think about it, it was stupid really, I should have gave him a cake for him to dig in.

But instead he quietly persisted and I let myself succumb.
I didn't think that the next year, I would feel so numb.

I want to give him the gift of my love but it's something lost in the fog in the distance of empty roads.
A garden once blooming, crushed by the cement he paved before I had implode.

It's selfish of me to make this all about myself.
It's just so hard to see all of his things on my art shelf.

I want to tell him I love him and I'm glad he stuck around for another year of his life.
As he whispers that he's so happy he met me and he wants me as his wife.

He's 20 now, but acts like a middleschooler.
Always playing games with the girl in the schoolyard, the hopless romantic middle school loser.

I always let myself fall this deep down.
My knees are so ****** and bruised and the skin of my palms are unbound.

I didn't think that I'd have to walk alone once again.
Afterall, he made the decision to let our love blast into oblivion.

I want to tell him I love and miss him and wish he can say those love-filled words to me once again.
But it isn't my birthday, so he's blowing out the candles, wishing he'll grow into a different man.

A foolish little boy, so careless with the loser's heart.
You don't realize how much you'll miss them until your heart tears apart.

I want to tell him so much more on his special day,
But my heart's voice is sewn together with thread, and all I can muster is a
"Happy Birthday."

Please stop making it seem
Like I am incapable of pulling apart seams.
Strewn with strings of red stinging lies.
Ashes of bridges that I had to say goodbye.

Stop pretending that you'll be forever mine.
I'm still scared by last year's trauma that left me blind.
Stop trying to get close as I'm shoving you out the door.
I don't need you to come in, not while my heart is melting through the floor.

Just stop acting like I did a couple years ago.
You're going to get your heart quickly smashed, don't you know?
I speak from experience, so please stop holding on tight.
I might just turn into that April's night.

And you will regret it.
And I don't want to be responsible for a soul waiting to be ended.

please stop
messaging me every hour

let me breathe
let go of my wrists

they're bleeding
i'm crying

you grab me
forcefully

                                           "just a little."

no
"come on."                                        
no

stop
go
away

"n­o."

There's a soft grass field in which I lay.
I close my eyes and breathe in the atmosphere.
The soft wind makes the grass sound like an ocean.

But, it's a bit too dark, isn't it?
I open my eyes to a splash of colors and patterns.
Brown grounded coffee beans.
Orange burnt from the sun.
Tan insides of a tree trunk.
Black like singed ashes.

And green.
The color of life.

The flowers tickle my cheek.
Stroking my face with a gentle touch.
I feel a raindrop fall on my nose.

I giggle softly.
It's going to rain soon, but I don't want to go.
Everything seems tranquil right now.

I close my eyes again.
A soft sound rings nearby mixing into the sounds of the wind.
It's almost putting me to sleep.
I breathe with the motion of the hum.
I wish I can stay here forever.

The sun is so warm against my face.
I feel nothing but the grass brushing against my skin.
I feel the soft hum enter my lungs and back out my half parted lips.
I want to drink this feeling.
This feeling of comfort, of warmth, of security,

of home.

It's so quiet, I feel loved here.
The sun kisses my forehead.
The flowers strokes my cheek.
The grass caresses my body.
the raindrop touches my nose.
The atmosphere drowns me in serenity.
...
But I must get up before the thunderstorm comes.

I take a deep breath in,
and I open my eyes.
I exhale out,
with a long and deep sigh.


"I'll be back soon for you, my kitty."

leave me in my chaos, won't you?

these cries for help are just empty echoes, isn't it?

ignore my tears as they fall, would you?

leave me alone when my body collapses onto the pavement.

isn't this what you wanted?

the sight of my bleeding knees fills you with joy, doesn't it?

and when i cry, you blame it on the chemical imbalance in my brain, isn't that right?

i only ask for you to kneel beside me
maybe even put a band-aid on or two,

so maybe i would stop bleeding and crying for you.

so maybe i could just breathe,
and walk straight for just a few seconds.

so maybe the taste of your lips
can make me forget the taste of my blood.

But telling you that is too much for you, isn't it?

i love the moon
wrapped around my neck
the small crescent moon bouncing happily on my heart
as we hold hands

that same beautiful moon
in which i trace with my fingers
feeling the smooth moonstone
be imprinted with my fingerprints

that same affectionate moon
as it glided on your chest when we gasped for more air
and you held me close to your heart
as the moonlight shined softly from the window

that same wonderstruck moon
we would fight under
tears that reflected the moonstone
always streaming down my face

that same gleaming moon
that you would wipe my tears
with the hands i had felt for years
and all i could do was look up and dream of

that same distant moon
where i had found out about your disloyalty
and i felt myself slipping into vast space
putting myself in front of asteroids just to feel something

that same sickening moon
taunting me with the way it just
stays up there, coming out only at night
only to observe and listen for chaos that reigns after dark

that same wicked moon
that was suffocating me in my sleep
when i would lie next to your empty shell
gasping for air as i wipe my moonstone tears

that same dreadful moon
as it watched me deteriorate in your arms
burning holes into my chest
dwindling my soul until it left me hollow

i... used to love the moon
when i knew that it was lovingly
wrapped around my neck by you
and you would feel the moonstone with your lips

i used to love the moon
until the last star died
and i ripped it off from my neck
and drove myself into a black hole

that same cynical moon
that you proclaimed your love to me too,
was the same ******* moon
that my entire being was shattered by you

...

i ******* hate the moon.

I still dream about the home my lifegivers nestled in in hopes to start life anew in a country that will once begin to tear
All over in the course of years,
They began to paint over the white walls with the yells that bounced from wall to wall.
Never realizing our big family will soon turn small.
Everything was blue, and only two spots became red.
That was the day my father realized he had the strength to break down this nest with his very hands.
I turned and saw mother, multicolored with blue red and purple. As expected, she always had an eye for colors.
I turned to see my siblings, cornered and shaking so hard, our blue began to stain the floor.
Seeping through the cracks and digging into the dirt which will eventually begin to tear down the house.
A grand finale of a door slammed shut.
No back turns, just left us in the rut.
I sleep and wake up into the mixture of birds singing,
and in the next room my mother is crying.
I open my door and it falls to my feet.
I look around, and I'm overwhelmed with defeat.
Our house is broken, it's all gone now.
The dwindling love that once blossomed is extinguished now.
I pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild.
Surround the walls around my mother, to keep her safety sealed.

Because sadness can’t be left alone, sadness stays and seeps into you in hopes to weather into your mind and heart until the process of deterioration begins.
... You see,

I didn't understand love for awhile since.
Hardship after hardship, it still never made sense.
I came to realize that love is painful.
Love is sorrowful.
Love is beautiful.
Love is blissful.
Love is the act of rebuilding a broken house.
It isn't just about your spouse.
Love is inviting forgiveness into your rebuilt house in order to keep moving.
Soon enough, those feelings can be packed into boxes and displayed in the new house you move in.
And although there are still many cracks and torn down roofs,
The strength of the wall shows that love is bulletproof.

I have yet to learn more about love, about forgiving, about betterment.
But for now, I'll keep rebuilding my own home with more bricks and cement.

seasons change, but I remain the same.
A feel of the frost that lingers in my hands, leaving a numbness to idly caress them.
A taste of the scorching heat that singes my tongue black, spewing out fire like an angered dragon hungry for tears.
A view of heavy storms or sunny days, confusion of feelings that leads to frustration and outbursts.
A sound of leaves crunching on the ground, wishing I could just fall and be crushed down to nothing but dust.
A smell of each holiday transitioning to the next, leaving me to wonder when I will to.
And yet, the seasons go by so quickly, and I am stuck in time.
I am stuck in a place where people keep moving on while I’m confined to just watch the seasons go by.
I can not move.

I am tired with the feeling of being dismissed, criticized as to what I'm going to do next.
I am tired of forcing myself to choke back the tears, hide my barb-wired stained arms behind a long sleeve sweater.
I am tired of fidgeting to keep my sleeves past mid fingers, because my knuckles are swollen and bruised green and purple from yesterday's misdemeanor.
I am tired of insomnia always wanting to be held by me, being woken every 2 hours as if I was tending to a crying baby.
I am tired of running around and around my brain, always overthinking until I go past insane.
I am tired of how my energy stops out of the blue, leaving me nothing but to stare into the wall dazed and confused.
I am tired of making people run away from my presence, love and hurt and leave me until I'm left too sick to keep myself barely on balance.
I am tired of walking with wobbly and scraped knees, my palms are bleeding with skin peeling off, barely able to write more sad poetry.
I am tired of being hurt by everything and everyone, they say my heart is a blessing, but it has cursed my life since the day I was born.
I am tired of the cruel criticism towards me, years upon years of insecure comments that developed into PTSD.  
I am tired of having to rely on someone else's heart just to make myself feel worthy and complete, I can't help sharing my entire heart just to get it back again obsolete.
I am tired of the sickness that tells me good morning each day, opening my mouth to cleanse my body of the food from yesterday.
I am tired of looking at my skin in the mirror, as my rib cage becomes more visually clearer.
I am tired of breathing in the oxygen plagued with depression, opening my eyes to a vast blur in my vision.
I am tired of smelling the fear raid out of my body, their eyes watch as I shake and choke on my spit as I drown in the sweat caused by my anxiety.
I am tired of feeling incomplete, my hollow heart filled with thoughts of the night my soul fell to my feet.
I am tired of crying on the bathroom floor alone, shaking with ***** dripping from my mouth whilst trying to type for help on my phone.
I am tired of wanting to be loved and adored, knowing full well they'll leave me when they get bored.
I am tired of scrolling through my phone to fill the space of pleasure, because his name is screamed to me until not my legs, but my brain makes me shake as if I was having a seizure.
I am tired of being vocal about my mental illness, if it only brings me back into a bigger mess.
I am tired of ruining everything I touch, shattering like a fallen sculpture, not being able to fix it much.
I am tired of thinking until I get ******, screaming with every  punch on the wall because I'm alone and won't be missed.
I am tired of dreaming what could have been between him and I, instead I begin to think of different ways to die.
I am tired of seeing my window sill every morning, thinking about how I can just jump from it so I can avoid today's daily dooming.
I am tired of talking without words to speak, instead they're drowned out by wails until everything turns bleak.
I am tired of being told I'm going to be a failure, only because my suicidal thoughts have made me unsure.
I am tired of the pressure for me to do better in school, knowing they are just going to insult me for being an emotionally unstable fool.
I am tired of the tears kissing my cheeks goodnight, only to knock me out with the help of the looming monster that is impossible for me to fight.
I am tired of feeling and being weak and fragile, telling myself I'm strong are only words filled with false hope dripping with vile.
I am tired of the days I feel happy and alive, whilst also telling myself this is temporary and will soon deprive.
I am tired of my mouth being sewn shut as to not mutter a single word, trailed off when it finally unravels to people who refuse to have me heard.
I am tired of the numbness in my body after I break down, realizing the man-made tornado had once again ripped into my lonesome town.
I am tired of being alone and having no friends, because I'm still trying to heal from the knife twisted deep into my spine from the last person that wanted my life to end.
I am tired of keeping myself in captivity, when I know that I can free myself to feel amenity.
I am tired of the bipolarity in my decisions, always asking to be left alone but cry when I'm not given attention.
I am tired of being the family burden, an annoyance who can never do right with flaws that can not be undone.
I am tired of getting tangled into the constant mess I put myself in, they say I keep doing this to myself as I place my problems on my head with a pin.
I am tired of being ******* to the strings, in which exhaustion plays and moves me like a puppet's unescapable fling.
I am tired of being tired all the time, it's becoming so hard to find words that rhyme.
I am tired, I am just so
Tired.

Everything feels so out of reach right now.
I feel the pain from the snake sinking its fangs to my skin.
Puncturing and filling me with its poison.
It doesn't release enough to **** me, though it still leaves me paralyzed.
And some times I have to force myself to not taunt them.
They will know my motives and slither away until I'm better again.
Then the fangs will bite down on me as if they were eating a delicious apple.
and evening will come to fall for the sadistic trickery.
Thus leading to the eradication in which I had made my world to be.

I am powerless.

I'm trying hard to run to catch the firefly as the night stalls.
Emitting such a beautiful pastel blue light, the size of an 8 ball.
The closer I get, the faster it darts away.
I can try to sleep, but I feel too jittery to lay.
Silly little bug, I just want to catch you!
I want to put you in my mason jar and stare into your orb of baby blue.
I...
Almost...
Got...
You...
...
Stop making me run so much, I keep tripping...
I can feel the grass under my feet tipping.

You're at the grasp of my fingertips as you taunt me with your flickering light.
I stand on my tippy toes and reach up into the night.

I'm...
Almost...
There...
...
But you fly away into the vent.
Why won't you come to me? I'll even pay your rent!
Am I doing something wrong?
I can attempt to sing you a lullaby song...
...But you still won't come out of there.
I shake my head and brush away my hair.
I take a deep sigh and see you as a loss cause.
I take a step and fall onto my knees, immediately looking up and I pause.
I'm in my room as my skin breaks and bleeds.
You fly across my face one more time in an evil attempt to tease.

Stupid...- Wait, this isn't what my real eyes see.
I look in the mirror and there She is, staring back at me.

...It wasn't real, right? It was just my imagination?
****... why does this keep happening again?

   b
               e
                                      c
     a
                                                          u
                        s
e          

y                            
                              o
  u

d                
         ­                                             o
               n
'    
                                                                ­                    t                        

                  ­         l
i              
               s      
                                                 t
e                ­          
                    n
.

I have gotten so used to the vastness of dark spaces,

I began to believe they are my friends.

I want to scream until I convulse into a ****** rage of anger.
I can't believe what these figures tell me.
They shrug me off like an old rancid carpet of emotions.
They don't want my problems, but God forbid I ignore theirs and suddenly I'm the villain.
Not only do I have to keep limping as I carry the weights of myself, but I also have to carry one, no, two, no... five.
Five.
And everyone acts as if the Prozac has magically given me the HP boost to carry this on.
I ask for help when my sore body can't hold anymore.
I just feel like--
"IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M THIS WAY."
"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO AGREE WITH ME ON EVERYTHING NO MATTER HOW BAD IT IS."
"YOU HAVEN'T HELPED ME AT ALL."
"PLEASE STROKE MY EGO MORE AS I PRETEND TO BE DEPRESSED LIKE YOU."
...Should I remind you of what I did for you?
How I tore my ligaments just so you can keep walking all over me?
How I forced to bite my tongue so hard that I began to ***** my own blood?
How I stayed through your ******* problems that had me rolling my eyes out of their sockets?
If only I can pretend to feel this **** as much as you do.
If only I could be a stone that you resemble to.
If only I could be so self-absorbing and privileged like you.
I wish I didn’t have to feel like this. I wish I wasn't starved of happiness that I rightfully deserve.
That I've actually worked for.
Unlike you.
Who was handed everything to them since birth.
Maybe that’s why you have the tendency to run away from your problems.
You’re scared.
You can’t grow up.
You think everyone will conform to your idealization of how a life is lived.
Because maybe that's what your parents wrongfully taught you.
You want to be the savior of those who are depressed.
You use their illness to your advantage to get some sick satisfaction off their pain.
And when they're left to tell you how wrong you are for that, you s--
"WELL HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO HELP?"
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT THEY'RE DEPRESSED."
"I TRIED TO HELP BY STATING THEY WERE FINE EVERY TIME."
"NOW PLEASE LET'S TALK ABOUT ME!"
... It's atrocious that one will pretend to be some God to a person that is losing their faith.
These sad, sick people will keep stroking your ego because they have nothing else, no one else, but you.
Or so you think.
And you know that. You will keep playing this stupid game called Life by using cheat codes on single player for your own self-indulgence.
You will keep acting like the hero for the distressed damsel waiting in the other castle.
And you will keep quitting the game in a rage when you're sidelined by other quests.
It truly is selfish and disgusting.
But what you may not know, is that the damsel in distress has her own strategy of escape.
She has had to survive this game called Life amplified to Hard Mode.
She knows the way of this unfair game, ghosted to seem like a helpless poor soul in need of salvation from some sort of cowardly knight.

But what you, or anyone doesn't know,
Is she is almost at the end credit screen.
Where there is a happily ever after,
Made possible, completely without you.

Happy Birthday to you.
Wow, I thought you would be dead by now.
I would have thought the demons got to you to.
I have to ask out of genuine curiosity; how?

How did you make it out?
It was an eventful year, it caused such a commotion.
Last time I saw you, you were crying with blood running down your arms from that night's bout.
I smiled as I saw you bow down to the self inflicted corruption.

Were you too scared to go even more deep?
I tried to settle into your skin and bones.
I thought the numbness would have seeped.
Silly, you should have welcomed me home!

I brought a glass vase just for you!
A little house warming gift as it's called.
Did you shatter and cut yourself with those pieces to?
I'm sure your crazed, clumsy little head made it topple and fall.

I knew it would come into use.
Though, I think I should be taking all the credit.
Of course, it was you who tortured yourself with such abuse.
Nevertheless, you turned my whispers into actions, and actually did it.

You were such a fool, you know.
How long did they keep you in that white jacket?
You had everything going for your life and you let that blow.
Remember when your wrists had a red stained blanket?

And who could forget your half-assed attempt to making your exit, what a show!
I honestly don't know what you were afraid of.
You could have just went through with it, you had the power to, you know.
I knew I should have gave you that much needed shove.

The chair was the only thing holding you back.
Your suicide note written by yours truly.
Your will to die was the only thing you lacked.
And you have failed, so I had to become your bully.

Unbelievably, you made it through another year.
I'm honestly shocked, but I will come back stronger.
I'll **** you little by little, until you are dead, my dear.
But please, don't worry, it won't be much longer.

Enjoy this triumphant day, it'll be the last before I come for your heart.
Until then,
With death shall we impart.

Sincerely, your old friend.

PS, don't forget to blow your candles and make a wish.
Let your soul whisper its impose.
And please don't stop flattering the Reaper for a kiss.
He truly loves those.

end this unnecessary bickering
why does it have to be this way
i toss you a ******* bone
in return, ****** stones are thrown
bruising me
hurting me
torturing me
pummeling me deeper
in this god forsaken soil
where hell lives just underneath
waiting to embrace me.
...
but you don't see that, do you?

I hear the whispering again, a soft spoken voice.
Creeping into my ear and making me feel conflicted on whether I should rejoice.

Are you my savior or the spawn of the hell I've been dealing with lately?
Are you going to rid my pain with the words you utter to me?

She doesn't answer my questions, just states what she says.
Taunting me with her hollow lips and her non-existent face.

I'm in constant fear, but I also adore her.
Her; is that her name or is she just my mind's blur?

I want to ask, but she doesn't answer me back.
Yet her presence makes my mind’s vision lack.

I don't know who she is, maybe a figment from my cerebral?
Though, I have to abide to what she says; she'll threaten me with something lethal.

She wants to tell me so many things, she told me I had to know.
She acts like an angel, but I guess it's just for show.

She turns her back, and her wings are dipped in an ink of black.
She sits in front of me with a razor cupped in her hand; her smile makes my skull crack.

She says I'm in danger, is she talking about herself?
I can't ask questions, yet the curiosity engulfs.

She is always there, perched beside my ear.
"Soon the pain will go away my dear."

She's so loud, yet her whispers crawl through my skin.
"Loud Silence." she tells me with a grin.

Her voice is constantly in a whir.
My brain, her home, it's all for Her.


it 's  ju st
He r. H er. Her . H
e r. H er.
H e r .

I've been thinking more about you recently.
...No, not like that. Don't get the wrong idea,

Again.

You come back into my mind like the text notifications that would light up my phone.
Only this time I can't press the block button,

Again.

It's an odd feeling, a sort of confusion that gives me anger.
But I don't want to try and figure it out,

Again.

I was vulnerable, alone, suicidal, depressed, and you knew that.
You took advantage of me with your manipulative "I love you"'s

Again.

I fell for it, I was weak, and I loved you for awhile, I truly did.
Until you made me take off my clothes and give you a show,

Again.

It was intimate, for the first couple of months I thought.
But you began seeing me more as your ****** object,

Again.

But I wanted to believe you loved me.
So I opened my skin for you to make your home in me,

Again.

Did you deserve that? At the time, I thought it was only right.
But giving you my ***** home was my mistake,

Again.

The cycle continued, manipulation of *** for my dignity.
My identity was at stake, I was scared to hear you say,

"Again."

Silenced by threats that would expose me more than the skin I showed you.
So I, weak and stupid, fed into your fantasies

Again.

Emotional turmoils arose if I didn't give you what you wanted.
And I, depressed and scared of being alone, endured the hurtful words,

Again.

I had let your words define my worth.
I was nothing more but just someone who deserves this hurt,

Again.

There's a reason I stayed, but I feel like it was more rather for me than you.
I feel like some days I wanted this pain, or that I deserved it,

Again.

My trust was tattooed on your hand, my heart tattooed on your foot.
Never realizing the damages you left in me,

Again.

As you began to rattle my rib cage to wake me,
Asking me for more, and more, until I bled out my soul,

Again.

Forceful grabbing, soulless insults, groaning and yelling,
Then you'll leave, high and dry, for hours until you were ready to start,

Again.

My body shakes, my mind in disarray, buzzed like bees in a can.
I wept as I had to bandage myself,

Again.

You broke me as easily as a porcelain doll.
And I laid there, numb, as you kept moving your hips faster,

Again.

My body turned cold, as my heart packed its bags to leave.
I neglected myself, all for you, but you just wanted to keep going

Again.

You probably didn't care that I said I couldn't feel a thing.
You covered my mouth, ripped off my clothes, and forced yourself through,

Again.

Stating that I'll feel you inside, I'll feel our love in my chest.
But I cried and all I could feel was the yearning to slit my neck,

Again.

I had many breaking points, but none the worst as the last.
I was ready to give my tired body to the Reaper's arms,

Again.

And so I did, I left without a care of whatever you were going to do.
No matter how many threats and insults you shoved into my ear once

Again.

You wanted my hollow body that echoed your voice of "Take it off for me,
Again."
And I stab myself through my stomach, slice myself in half, rip you from the grip you had around my heart, snip your gnarly fingers from my brain, and say

"No."

I bite my cheeks down until my mouth foams with blood and saliva.
Intentionally or not, I love the copper taste.
My eyes can only see the normality of it all.
But to others, I look like I need help.

I grit my teeth until they crack and fall out of my lips.
The blood gushes out, **** I can't get enough of this.
This pain that my body seeks to self destruct.
It's harmful pleasure that emits from my nerves.

I chew at the sides of my mouth as it leaks out with blood.
So bittersweet, I can't believe my body produces this.
I guess it's just me trying to calm my nerves.
I can't stop shaking while I type these words.

I scratch my left hand until I peel off the skin.
Through my muscle tissues and my leaking red veins, I can see the end.
I feel my eyes go wide and turn crazed.
I'm not suicidal, I'm just a mess, okay?

I dig my finger nails deep into my palms.
Little crescent like shapes of a blood red moon.
I feel like I have the world in my hands.
But is it dangerous to give that power to an insane man?

I punch erratically until my knuckles turn blue and red.
Licking off the residue of blood stained cement.
I feel the adrenaline rushing through me.
Punching the ground until my skeleton gets a taste to.

I slit my arms to perfect red dotted lines of 11.
There's a specific reason for that number.
But it's a secret you'll never find, so I just laugh.
While you watch me split my skin in half.

I bite my lips until they to begin to bleed.
If I do this enough, maybe I won't have to ever speak.
I **** until my lips turn dry.
And I penetrate through my skin with my teeth once again.

I chew my nails down to the core.
Watching the red water bleed through the cracks of my fingers.
The stinging sensation that makes my chest tense.
But floods my face with a warm, bright red.

The demons have already chewed down to my bones.
It's slow, but painful, but I love their tongue sliding on my flesh.
Sinking their teeth to rip me to shreds.
And so I bite down more and savor the taste.

I truly despise
This cruel disguise
placed upon me

In circles, I run
from evil I have done
But I am not free.

I am terrified
of this roller coaster ride
going faster until it suffocates me

My depression and anxiety
my never ending insanity
this will all be the death of me

I want to be alive
But I am deprived
of oxygen and sleep

How do I go about this
turning these scars into bliss?
The end times is all I see

I cannot choose
I'm always bound to lose
And a loner I will always be

I cant see any escapes from this
and only Death can put me to ease with his kiss
Someone, anyone, please, help me...

One soul.
One heart.
One mind.
Two eyes.

Two window panels to see it all.
Your relationship with the sun had always been so strong.
It wasn't a surprise that the yellow ball of fire shone its light through you.
The sunlight loves to stare into your eyes.
A shifting kaleidoscope of green-blue hues.
The angelic light surrounding your free-willed, sun-kissed hair.
Your fair, fragile skin, warmed by the sun that invites you for a hug.
The only source of life it wanted to give itself was to you.
It wasn't a mistake that the sun chose you as its shell to live in.

One love.
One warmth.
One light.
Two eyes.

Two emerald colored eyes to look directly at the people you love.
A toothy grin to compliment the joy in your eyes as well.
You radiate through the breath that you exhale.
You are the sun, the person who everyone wanted to revolve themselves around.
And you always welcome them with your warmth and light.
Your presence is the break of dawn that people enjoy waking up to.
And you were just as happy to tell everyone "good morning."
Your love for everyone is endless, unconditional, unfathomable.
I wanted to bathe in your sun rays and drown in this home feeling warmth.

One hand.
One confession.
One hug.
Two eyes.

Deep down, I yearned to be your moon.
I was merely Pluto, the farthest away from you.
No, you welcomed everyone in, including me.
I am useless, I am small, I am not what I say I am.
And yet, you still let me in.
The gravitational pull encouraged me to move.
I held your hand and felt as if my heart had been dipped in your sky.
I saw your irises turn to every spectrum of color.

One day.
One breakdown.
One hand.
Two eyes.

My light dimmed as I was pummeled in a meteor shower.
Swimming into a black hole I intentionally wanted to reside in.
But you are the sun, you needed everyone perfectly aligned.
You bathed me in your sunlight as you wrapped your arms around my dying body.
Your sunlight, making my tears evaporate.
You didn't let go until I glistened with stars.
Your warm green eyes, staring right into my heart.
"I'm always here for you, Fritzi, you know that right?"
And before I could respond, I was thrown into a rocket ship for a sudden change in my planet's location.

One me.
One year.
One change.
Two lies.

The first was that we'd still communicate through the satellites.
After awhile we began to orbit through a different planet system.
Houston, there wasn't a problem with the communication, we just got busy.
We had to tend our gardens of stars and **** out the oncoming asteroids.
The second was that we said we were there for each other.
But with the lack of communication, the atmosphere became silent.
Vast, dark, empty, cold, but I still hoped for the static sounds on the walkie talkies.
I never saw the sun again after the take off, I never saw those two gleaming green gems again.
It grew cold and all was black, never realizing I'll soon regret the silence so deeply.  

One decision.
One mistake.
One crash.
Two dead.

You were the first one to go.
...
Hearing the static crackle sent my heart racing after years of a dead signal.
I listened and was suddenly turned deaf from the radio waves that formed the bad news.
I saw the planets collide right in front of my now dull eyes.
A fiery, colorful explosion, and stars dripping out of space one by one.
And then it all sank, this wasn't real, this isn't real, it can't be real.
In my shock and confusion, I was ****** into a vortex of complete darkness.
And although there is no sun to tell me when to wake up now,
I still wake up just in time for the break of Iris' dawn,
And I hear her; I hear Iris whisper to me "good morning."

It's 4AM, I'm crying, and all I can think about is you.

I still ******* love you, but there's nothing I can do.

I have so much to say
but nothing comes out
my heart breaks
when people make
it seem like happiness is a facade
undeserving, unwilling, and it's all my fault...
right? because I'm causing the pain,
the tears on your face, it's always the same
I can't win this fight, can I?
I can never fall in love, so I
don't know what to do
and it hurts so much more than you
think
it's not just dark when I blink
anymore, I think I reached the brink
of what is sane and what is taboo

maybe, I just want something... new
someone... new
someone who won't make me cry
someone who won't say goodbye
when things begin to collide
and people look away to the side
when I'm finally gaining my strength and peace
I am no one's property, no one to keep
me from living the life that I deserve
because I have always been so reserved
and maybe it's time that I stand up
and say that enough is enough.

yes, I am in love with someone new.
someone who loves me as their muse
I don't want
to keep
having this
fight
over what is
wrong and
what is
right

I am in control.
it's time I free my soul
from the grasps of those who believe they could chain me
to the ground
no, not until my old past self is found.
never again, I'll fight for true love.
Instead of a love that seems to shove
me into guilt and sadness,
imprisoned in loneliness
while you are free to do whatever you want
as I stand in the blackness

No, I will not stand this sickening torment
these conflicts, or as you say is heartfelt comments
If I want to save my heart
I have to tear apart
reality from fantasy
it isn't easy
but...
maybe then, I will be free
to breathe, love, and kiss who I please.
I don't need to commit right now.
I just want to get through this life somehow.

beep beep beep

i wake up today and everything seems okay.
i get myself ready and dress up for today.

i put my backpack on and begin my trip to school.
pressing my forehead against the bus' window that feels cool.

i put my earbuds in and listen to nice music as i watch the sun rise.
but... i hear a kid shouting in the back going off about someone who looked weird to him, as he begins criticizing their appearance and personality and...

...nevermind that, today is good.
today is the day where depression is not being rude.

i quickly tune them out and concentrate on the lyrics.
and before i know it, i am already out of the bus, ready to be fearless.

i open the door and enter my school.
and... there's so much noise that quickly hits me all at once, and everyone is talking over each other and i see someone running and another yelling and it's only 8:20 in the morning...

... i walk quickly to the library, where it is most quiet.
i take a deep breath and calm down my mind's riot.

today is good, and i want to take advantage of this.
i dont get these as often, so it gets really easy to miss.

i remind myself that i need to keep happy.
dont let them get to your brain's anatomy.

i hear the bell ring, that means it's time for class.
I walk out of the library and into a mass.

of... people quickly walking to their respective classrooms, the hallways are becoming congested  and people are trying to run and push through and yelling and laughing and it only gets worse once the warning bell rings and...

... i found my classroom, im the first one in.
i take my seat and lift up my chin.

today is a good day, im not going to let it pass by.
i pull out my journal and let out a small sigh.

i think im handling myself pretty well, i hope it stays like this.
and... then people begin trickling into the room, one by one and then five at a time. it feels like everyone is looking at me, the girl in front of me always does like if i have something on my face. do i? i quickly check myself on my phone screen and...

... i realize what im doing and quickly put it away.
i have to stop acting like people are predators and im the prey.

i ignore my discomfort for the rest of my class' times.
i quietly do my work and im still keeping my happiness as my prime.

im doing okay, this is going great!
i hear someone talking about population rate.

wait... they're talking to me, ****, what do i say? im already stuttering and they have a surprised face. it's such an easy answer yet i make it so hard, i just need to get to the point before i talk too much and look like an idiot and provide them an example for why they should stay away from me...

... i go back to writing notes on my journal and pretend that never happened.
my hands are shaking and my forehead is dampened.

no, today is being nice to me, i need to let it be.
i know i'll feel accomplished at the end of the day, i just need to wait and see.

my stomach begins to rumble, i think im ready for some food.
i enter the cafeteria to place down my belongings, just to notice it be moved by someone rude.

and... then it hits me, the noises pick up once again and everyone is louder than ever. i mean of course they would be since it's lunch time, but do they really need to yell? i see a fight start and everyone crowds around, phones flashing, loud yelling and erratic laughing and...

...i feel horrified and quickly leave with my food tray.
im starting to panic, why isn't this feeling going away?

im supposed to be happy, ******* it, i made this my goal for today.
so why isn't this feeling going to bed to silently lay?

i lose my appetite to eat and throw it in the trash.
i feel my brain burning with fire and leaving traces of ash.

and... the noises are becoming closer and i hear everyone laughing. laughing at me, staring me down, i bring my hands up to touch my face and my cheeks are wet, im crying, i touch my chest, my heart beat is going crazy. my hands wont stop shaking. what is this? what is this feeling? i cant understand, i see so many eyes of different colors and shapes and they're all on me...

... how can i be happy when i feel everything is closing me in?
isolating myself in the walls within...

... i quickly fall back into sadness, and the cycle continues.
i can never get past this feeling here, the torture ensues.

the time goes fast when im in a panic.
it's 4 in the afternoon and my hands and ears feel like tv static.

i feel so exhausted and depressed and completely in a state of unrest.
and i know i have to get home and study for my upcoming tests.

but... i dont, i get home and lay down on my bed. i cry and cry because my feelings wont go away. im alone with my thoughts that torture my soul. i cant move, i cant enjoy the things i want to do. i have no motivation although im by myself now. but it's so hard to keep this up when im in my depressive state right now. i cant eat and my window falls into night, my eyes stay closed but my body keeps me awake with all its might. at some time, my mind finally goes to bed to lay. and i think to myself i just want nothing more but to

beep beep beep*

start another day.

I begin to remember the words you said.
How you said you stopped loving me and you wish you were dead.

I had to abide by the rules you placed,
But all I wish is for my existence to be erased.

depression lingers
like your cologne on my clothes

depression lingers
like mosquitoes in lamps

depression lingers
like tears that stain your pillow

depression lingers
like a traumatic memory

depression lingers
like the weight of you on me

depression lingers
like my lipstick on your cigarette

depression lingers
like a drug addict's binge

depression lingers
like the scars on my skin

depression lingers
like red paint on broken mirrors

depression lingers
and it never goes away
it never stops
there is no end

i wish friendship would linger longer,
maybe then

depression would stop ringing my door bell at 3AM.

bright lights begin to flicker
to a vast of darkness

as i lay in my bed
staring at the ceiling

recounting, remembering
pain, tragedy, depression.

i turn to my side,
where it is most comfortable.

imagining, a world unbeknownst to anyone else
where bright lights stay bright,

radiating, pulsating
from my true love’s heartbeat.

as my eyes are closed
i reach out to touch a face

only to be met by the fabric of my pillow
by this time, the lights have gone completely off.

i am alone.

“I am here.”

what? i sit up and look behind me.
my alter ego, staring back with hollowed out eyes
a mouth slit on both sides
tears of blood.
crying for someone to hug Her.

but it’s only met with my pain-filled echo.
“i am you.”

I am discovering myself more and more now.
I remember, I used to hide behind the societal shadow,
I have hid in for a long time.
Suppressing what was known to be a bad sign.

I tried to forget the softness in her hands,
or the way her soft hair would blow onto my face,
entangling me in the scent of flower gardens in the sunrise,
silent whispers in our late-night sleepovers,
and waking up beside her dark circled eyes and her morning messy hair framed on my bed.
I'd glance at the mosaic, but had always turned away.

For awhile, I believed my mind was playing around with my heart like a toy.
I was always taught to fall in love with boys.
Besides, I never thought that I would remember these sensations again.
until the boys had left my heart broken.

And while the love I shared with the male flesh was of my happiest times,
I had to face the fact that he could never be mine.
And so I came to terms with the aesthetics of a girl.
When I first saw her, my brain had whirled.

I was confused for awhile, trying to find if this feeling was true.
And one day, a girl in my art class gave me the proof.
Though I'm quite timid, her sentences and sense of humor laced her tongue like silk.
I couldn't help but glance and let my feelings for her mat together like fabric felt.

Though I'm not ready to begin a relationship until my heart has completely healed,
I will admit, I like girls, I like boys, I know this is what I feel.
I'm understanding myself better and better now.
I hope everyone will accept me to somehow.

Why do I try with you?
I can never win.

It's like building up the biggest sandcastle so far away from the ocean,
Yet you bring a bucket full of water and pour it out until it's just mush.
It's like fixing up a heart that is barely beating almost to full recovery,
Yet you grab it once again and dig your nails into it until it withers.
It's like bringing my head up from the tides to breathe for air,
Yet you grab my head and push me back down into the water.
It's like being worn out from a long day walking drenched by my rain cloud,
Yet you barge into my safe home with words as loud and hurtful as thunder.
It's like quieting the sad blue baby to sleep after hours of constant crying,
Yet you wake it back up once again with your own terrifying screaming.

Only I am the one crying until I awaken with puffy red eyes.
...
It just feels unfair and frustrating,
to feel so high and crash back down in a matter of seconds.

It's always the times where I feel alive, where I feel like I can walk.
And then I feel your hands push me back onto the ground,
As I listen to you blame me for not standing strong enough.
How doing this will leave me permanently scraped on the knees.
How my weak knees will force me to become a failure.
...
Sometimes I wonder how life would be without you.
Would I be happy? Probably, but my mom wouldn't.
It's the lesser of the two.
The latter of who is most important.
It's either the one you fell in love first while the other was forced.
It's abandoning the one that has less to lose.
The potential gain you receive from the kisses my mom gives you.
and I am the opportunity cost of your relationship with her, it seems.
You chose this life, yet you act like you despise it.
It makes me fear growing up, if growing up means to become cold and erratic.
...
Everyone wonders why it all affects me so much.
Very rarely do I get a break from the endless vast that holds me in its arms.
But when its tired arms puts me down, I'm able to walk freely.
I can breathe again, I can feel again, I can smile again, I can be me again.
Until you command the vast to hold me much tighter than before.
And I drink in the vast and let it soak into my brain as it leaks out my eyes.
And I can't help but do what I'm conditioned to do: blame myself.
I'm just the loss from the gain.
the chaos from the calm.
the bad from the good.
the pain from the pleasure.
the black from the white.
the second from the first
and let me tell you...

2nd *****,
But you wouldn't care.

Accidental paper cuts is where it starts.
You swiftly open your pink diary to write about the boy you fell in love with at recess.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood and put a bandage on your finger and you write about your elementary school lover.

Drawn hearts around their names, or putting your first name in front of their last, it’s all your secrets.

They will never know.


You grow fast into middle school, where you encounter your first real heartbreak.
You once again swiftly open your pink diary out of heart broken tears falling from your eyes.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood from your finger and put a bandage over your heart.

Scribble out the hearts, rip out his last name, cry silently into your pillow so no one can hear. Put on a mask in the morning until you are better. It’s all your secrets.

They will never know.


Fast forward to high school. Everyone is divided and different. People you once knew are once again memories. Lonesome days roaming hall ways. You tell yourself you’re used to it, but your mind thinks otherwise.
Once again, you swiftly open your pink diary to write about your boring day.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s so sudden and unwarranted.
You **** the blood and put...
and p-...
and...
...
Put a razor against your skin.

Swiftly gliding it from left to right.
It stings. Blood slowly drips. It stings. It’s...

Amazing and exhilarating.

More. More. More.

Watch as I tear my arms into woven red spiderwebs.
Watch as I unravel this old bandage on my heart.
Watch as I show my vulnerability for just a moment.
I cant stop. I cant st op. The bleeding is n t stop ping.
I  c a n ' t  s t o-...
You put the razor down and look at the drips. you wash it off, throw away the bandages, put a sweater on and fall asleep. It's all your secrets.

They will never know.

It becomes a routine. Your pink diary begins to turn gray from dust. It doesn't help anymore. They put you on medications and therapy appointments, but you only get satisfaction opening your paper thin skin and watch as the lines well into pools of blood.

Drip.              
                 Drip.
   Drip.    

The sting in your arms is the only thing you can feel now. No one sees, it's all your secrets.

They will never know.

Never know...
What it's like to have this destructive addiction.
You see, I lied.
I knew the difference between paper cuts and razor blades when I was still learning long division.
It stopped being accidental after the first paper cut.
It began to be about glass shards on pale scrawny arms.
It began to be about long sleeves and pants instead of dresses.
It began to be about making excuses after excuses.

It's all my secrets.
They will never know.

... Never know until I cut one too many times.
Never know until my sleeves slide down my arms.
Never know until I puncture a vein.
Never know until I'm clinging onto lifeless pain.

It was all my secrets.
But eventually they knew.

They knew when pill bottles began to quickly empty.
They knew sweater weather was 6 months ago.
They knew the light in my eyes began to dim.
They knew I was suffering.

But I pushed them out.
Slammed the door and pulled down the sleeves.
Put on smiles and laugh like they do on TV.

Like an innocent child hiding paper cuts under bandages.
Growing into a ******* who finds solace in a razor.
Laughing at each tear that falls from my mother's face.
Door slams that just echo in my chest.
Digging more into my skin so I can just be put to rest.
This sweet, silent suffering is covered by a facade made of smiles.
But I still wince once in awhile.
It's just the cuts that rub against my inner side of my sleeves.

Reminding me of my dark thoughts.
Reminding myself of my weaknesses.
Reminding me of feeling something other than this numb orb,
that gnaws into every cell, ever nerve.
Up and down my arm until I feel the stinging static feeling.

Then I know it's time,
to start once again.
...
and...
It was all my secrets.
They weren't supposed to know.

I feel like the laughs and smiles rattle in my chest like my anti-depressants when I shake the bottle.

It feels so hollow and dark until I light up momentarily, and then it dies again.

The smiles and laughs are like bugs in a jar, you shake them and they move, but leaving them in too long kills them off.

I just can't understand why I cry feeling this pain but then inflict it upon myself when I can't feel anything at all.

I can't help but think how ****** up I am, taking pills, talking about my problems, slicing my arms until they drip with blood.

It's impossible for me to be happy when this hollow feeling lingers with my emotions as its prisoner.

Shaking itself, rattling them up to taunt them until they cry out.

I can't live in this false hope anymore.

There is no help for me, no happiness for me here.

They're just echoes that bounce off the walls in my chest.

No one can hear the loud pain beneath this numb body.

It's like screaming for help underneath water.

and happiness is the one keeping me under. It's

Pointless

Lies,

Egocentric

Abuse,

Silence

Eerie filled rooms full of avengeful ghosts. I can't help but feel,

Hateful

Erratic

Lament

Perplexed by these feelings that rattle in my ribcage.

Maybe this life isn't for me
Eternal emptiness that can not be fulfilled.

losing your heart
to someone else

is like losing your virginity
once you do it
you can't go back

you'll never be the same.

so why is it that
when i fell in love
with a pixel screen
abandoned in
the other side of the world

did i not feel pain?
why did it feel
as if nothing happened
that we did not
kiss
or say i love you
or make love
late into the night

why does it all just feel like
these memories were set in some kind of
parallel universe?

that begs the question...
did i really love you?
or did i just fall out of
this lonesome feeling?

Why do you say you care,
when you dont even care to listen to what's beneath my hair?

All you care about is ******* a person that only loves you just for that.
All you care about is your own selfish needs.
All you care about is your small problems you whine so much about.
(Seriously, it's starting to get on my nerves.)
All you care about is the people you haven't been able to ****.
All you care about is your relationship.
All you care about is using your mental illness to get what you want.
All you care about is manipulating those who are dear to you.
All you care about is revolving your world around toxic people.
All you care about is the horrible parts of yourself.

And yet,
You don't understand why your friends are in pain.
Or why you don't even have any friends at all.
You don't understand why he loves your body so much but not your heart.
You don't understand why you're still sad.
You don't understand why people step all over you.
You don't understand why you are so alone.
You don't understand why you tear yourself apart.
You don't understand why I am mad at you.

And yes,
I have been mad at you for such a very long time.
Because I, your friend, will sneak out of my house with just a dime.
And I can turn this shiny coin to your vibrant smile.
I can twist the tides to make the ship sail less violent.
I can break my bones and rip my skin to make you a comfortable tent.
I can listen to you and watch you cry as you vent.
I can be the comfort you seek solely from your relationship.
I can say magical things that can transform your hurricane to calm waters.
I can tear myself apart just for you.

And yet,
You are still not here for me.

i wish you coul(d) gauge my eyes (o)ut
and peek ins(i)de the hollow walls
dripping with red pain(t)

one more
isn't
just one.

the sound of faulty cogs scraping against each other
as if something got jammed
or broken
would i have to throw it away all together?
i can't be bothered to fix it.
i don't know how.

electric wires become entwined between these rustic cogs
ripping apart, causing an ignition of a spark.
a spark of...
fear.
i could attempt to repair the wires,
but it's too late.
it's already touching the water.
the water of my tears.

mass chaos reigns, and i,
stupid me, stand there in the middle.
closing my eyes, covering my ears, breathing from my mouth.
thinking of better times.
as these cogs begin to break
as these electric wires begin to make
sparks into fires
i hear a sound
reverberate
from afar.

"you are chaotic. you destroyed yourself."

the screeching noises of the cogs become unbearable
the electric wires have tangled around my neck
my tears streaming down my cheeks trigger a spark

a spark of...
guilt.

i go limp, as i begin to catch on fire.
no screaming, i deserve this pain.

"you deserve all the worst things life will bring unto you."

and i open my eyes,
and see my reflection in the mirror.

I'll do something stupid, like fall in love with you and stuff

Until one day you realize that it wont be enough

I wont be enough for you.

And I will cry and tear apart my room.

And the dark days will begin to loom.

And I will begin to lose myself in this mentality to.

Sickly
And
Dizzy

Thats
How
Anyone
Tells
Sees

Hear
Only if these
Wielding clocks could stop

I

Lied
I
Killed myself years ago
Evening filled of sorrow

I couldn’t
Take it anymore

Now I can
Only open my eyelids
When my

Grave is found
Or when

The tears wash away yesterday
Of when I

Slit my throat
Like if I was just snipping paper
Effectively cutting my artery
Eventually falling to a
Paralyzing feeling, lead into dark

I

A
M

I hope my name sticks to you,
like a regrettable tattoo.

whatever you do,

please don't leave me alone on this day in which i mourn
over the death of my heart and my soul

please hide away all the knives,
cut your vegetables with a spoon or something.

dont leave me alone in this house,
i'll be sure to make company with my demons.

flush down the pills,
dont let me find the key to the medicine cabinet.

make sure to call or message me,
i cant stand being alone today.

dont shave your body today with those razors,
i'll be tempted to turn my skin into paper snowflakes.

please dont let me lock myself in my room,
i'll take the opportunity to meet my doom.

please dont leave me alone to cry in my closet alone,
i'll be sure to make my arms drip the sadness out.

and for ****'s sake,
please dont pass this off as just another overreacted poem.

i need you to be with me on the 11th, and make sure i'll make it until the 12th.

i need help. i cant breathe today. i dont want to be alive today. please dont leave me alone today.

She took a form,
of whispers in slightly silent sounds.
A sad and helpless woman,
soft spoken, and slightly broken.

Last night I saw her.
My body went numb,
and quickly into the cold.
She held my nose and my mouth closed.

Her wet, long hair brushes against my cheek.
Quickly realizing the wetness is the blood on her own.
Intense bleeding scratches below her eyes,
and her eyes with an iris in disguise.

I hear her again.
The whispers, the loud silence.
Turning more harsh as I began to struggle loose.
The cacophony of noise and air pressure in my ears, her grip imitated a noose.

I can't breathe,
it's starting to hurt.
She won't let go and I can't move.
I claw at the side of my beds, and this she disapproves.

W A K E  T H E  *******  U P  .

She yells,
and I quickly jolt awake.
Panic mode ensues,
and my mind's bulb has burned my sanity's fuse.

I go erratic,
and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
She took a form,
from my mind's dark thunderstorm.

...

and I don't know how to escape from Her.

I've been in a predicament for awhile now.
A war waged within myself.
I'm so tired of waking up nowadays.
But I can't sleep at night either.
I feel the sharp stomach pains once again.
I'd expect them to make an appearance on my arms.  
I'm starting to hear the whispers more often.
I'm left to wonder if they're my friends or not.
The anxiety has gotten worse since.
I can't breathe and my eyes well up with tears.
The weights become heavier the more I move.
I dread getting up for school.
I feel like everything is closing in.
My skin is burning red.
I feel like my skin is peeling off from my face.
I feel exposed and uncovered.
The loneliness is killing me again.
I really wish I made friends here.
My heart still hurts from my ex lover's words.
But it's also everyone's doings.
I'm left to wonder why I get so happy.
And then I suddenly crash back down.
I feel like I need to rid myself from this pain.
But I'm such a coward to let everything go.
I feel my skin turning cold and numb.
Is it my provoked veins or is it...
...

**** it, I stayed too long in the shower again.

is there anything else to console my soul,

numbing the pain until the next break of day?

sleepless nights of an insomniac,

a dull pain in the stomach of an anorexic

my body caged me as its prisoner,

and I will not be free until I succumb to things sinister.

i stole a cigarette.
no, this isn't a metaphor.

there's just times where I feel
like I deserve to be what falls in the ash tray.

I don't know why I keep trying to harm myself,
If things are going okay...

It's like, I'm so used to the torture and pain,
I don't ever want it to go away.

No wonder I had clung to my razor blades
No wonder I had clung to the trauma
No wonder I developed depression
and look at me now, stealing cigarettes.

Desperately trying to find a way to destroy myself
Fill my lungs with smoke
A stench that is more than just stuck on clothes.

It's the past, coming back to life
inhale
inhale
inhale more
cough

You want to smother these thoughts
Lose them in this smoke and fog

But no, there's no escape
Not even when the cigarette is done

The scars still string your skin
The pain woven deep into your veins
The ****** scabs you keep picking at

It's a coping mechanism
Or a way to slowly die

Is it that... I need to feel something, always?
Is it that... I have fallen in love with Death?

The couple of times, where he teasingly came
close to...
give me a fatal kiss.

Is this what I lust over?
Is this... what I want to feel?
...

In any case... this cigarette is still lit up.
Drifting me more out of myself.

And I disappear like the smoke in the wind.