Be brave, my love.

**Your dearest,
Victoria

1.91667 years
23 months
99.9406 weeks
699.584 days
16790 hours
1,007,400 minutes
60,444,000 seconds

That's how long it's been since our first 'I love you'

August wind
           comes
in waves.

It’s goal
           to rip leaves
                      off trees
           standing tall
                      against it.

It bellows out gusts,
           tearing away at flower petals.

The once calm church field,
                                                       a battle ground.
                      A harsh whisper war.
           But soon
           it will
whip away,
                                                             defeated.

I'm alone.
I have no one.
And no one has me.
Mainly because no one wants me.
No one wants my baggage,
My abandonment issues,
My mental illnesses,
My broken heart,
My need for constant love,
My need for constant attention,
My pathetic excuse for a personality,
My pitiful mannerisms,
My self loathing,
My need for a new home.
No one wants that.
I'm not good enough.
I've tried so hard,
Walked so many miles,
Seen so many therapists,
Taken so many pills,
Exhausted every option.
I just need care.
But until I'm able to heal from things I can't without someone to help,
No one will help.
Isn't that pathetic?
So I just sit,
Alone,
Knees clutched to my chest,
Sobbing,
Trying to forget the pain
That losing one person caused me,
And trying to convince myself
"I'm fine"
When clearly,
I will never be fine.

Carrie Lee could care less about coffee.
Her arms lay crossed as she gazed out the window at the busy street.
Carrie gave a sigh, '"So why did you choose to see me?"
Jeremy cleared his throat and fiddled his fingers in discomfort.
"I missed you, Carrie. You were too busy to chat when I was in Germany."
She glanced his way and blinked a few times.
"Did you also miss Tracy, Lisa, Katie...?"
He quickly grasped the tone of her voice and squirmed in his seat.
Carrie's throat clenched once the words left her mouth, she predicted he'd get up and leave.
"I told you, Louie set me up to run into them like that. You know I would never hurt you."
"One fish, two fish,red fish, blue fish one deceive, two deceive."
He was puzzled , gasping for air over his failed attempt to convince her of his intentions.
"Tracy barely spoke to me at school, Lisa made fun of me daily, and Katie-"
Carrie's voice was stern and sharp and she gracefully stood from her seat and cut him off.
"Can you say you only care about me, honestly?"
Jeremy stood up and held Carrie's arms to reassure that she wouldn't leave.
"Carrie, please: listen to me."
She whipped her body away from his grasp. Eyes stinging from the memories she tried to forget for all those months.
He chased after her, wiping away her tears that flow free.
In disappointment she mumbles, "I'm sorry Jeremy, I guess your son just has to grow up not knowing his father."
"Carrie..."
People were staring as she gracefully stormed her way out of the cafe. It was just like their breakup in high school all over again.
"It's Carrie now. Katie tomorrow. Stay strong girl, leave him be."
His hand clenched the space in his chest he could feel expanding as his eyes started to hail.
Despite the tears blinding his vision, he followed her once again. "Of all the people in the world my heart had to choose, it choose you, Carrie."
His persistence made her feet stop, heart clench and mind reel.
Tears streaming down his face to his neck and his rosary.
She spoke "If I had a choice, it would choose you too. Maybe another life."
And at that moment, amidst the busy streets of Canterbury
was the soft whisper of two lonely hearts,
pledging to one another in loyalty,
"I love you".

I wish he'd write a poem about me.
There's a millions of people who might,
but he's the only one I want to.
Why?
I don't know..
Maybe I like him,
maybe I'm just pathetic.
Maybe I'm just lonely.
Maybe he's the only guy who's been kind to me.
Maybe I just get too jealous.
I think I'm special,
but I'm really not.
Whoever he's in love with,
I hope she's better for him than I'd ever be.
I'm just too jealous of a person.
I just want someone to love me.




*I'm so pathetic

"Goodnight, I love you.
I always will."

My brain has chemical imbalance
held inside a ceramic palace
The fabrication of lies
and blankness behind the eyes,
with bloodstains on my body,
assault is my hobby.
Not on others you see,
just on 'lil ol' me.
And hunger isn’t a concern,
I want my body to burn.
My own pulse drives me insane,
I’d rather devoured by pain.
You’d think I’d wish the reverse,
but I love it, and that’s my curse.

Hey, cutie, it's been a while.
I listened, again, to those old voicemails you left.
I guess I'm still kinda in denial.
I just wish our secrets were better kept.
It's been six months since my tears flowed like the Nile.
Six months without you due to theft.
Of the secrets best held inside my heart,
this is by far the most important one:
I love you, Mark Schmidt. Even through this part.
This game being played can never be won,
for they think you didn't love me from the start.
But the truth is you always did through our the run
and the leap
and the fall
in too deep
to hear the call
of prayers before sleep
and I know through it all
I'll love you still.
I love you, Mark Schmidt.
I always will.
I knew since the day and still do, that piece you gave was the only one that could fit.

Sorry.
I wasn't good enough.
I never will be.
Maybe next time,
learn how to cut a rope.
The pain of falling
To an immident death
hurts much less
than
holding on to a rope made of barbed wire
for months,
while you dance around
and prove that I wasn't good enough for you.
Sorry I'm not perfect to you.
Sorry I wasn't worth it.
I tried.
You gave nothing I return but a simple meaningless title.
"Good friend".
That just makes it more pathetic.
We were in love you *******.
I let you walk
all over
my broken
aching
body
and recived
nothing
in return
but abandonment.

Who are you to worm your way into my life?
Who are you to stick your nose into my business?
Who are you to scar me with your knife?
Who are you to laugh at my skins thinness?

Why are you so incredibly invasive?
Why are you so undeniably malicious?
Why are you so desperate to be hated?
Why are you so harshly vicious?

Who am I to be unreasonably attacked?
Who am I to be relentlessly victimized?
Who am I to have my foundation cracked?
Who am I to have to be the only one civilized?

Why am I forced to still deal with your immaturity?
Why am I still having to defend myself against your blows?
Why am I being attacked because of your insecurity?
Why am I dealing with these questions I've posed?

And I knew then,
if I dared let the poison of love consume my being,
I would never be able to recover.
And yet,
I let it happen.
And I wish I regretted it,
but I don't think I ever will.

Please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do not
Under any circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

You see when you do this
My heart sinks.
My chest gets tight.
My through clenched.
My eyes sting.
My gut feels like it was struck by a first.
And my self confidence
Is nonexistent.

It doesn't matter who you are
Who she is
Or what my relationship to either of you is.
Just don't do it.
Being told that someone is better than me in any way
And that I am not good enough to be equals with them
Leaves me broken
And more depressed
Then you'd expect.

She
May be a better singer;
She
May be prettier;
She
May have enough to be perfect to someone.

Me?
I feel worthless
24/7.
And knowing that someone
Thinks less of me when compared to someone else,
Imagine
How you would feel
Knowing
That you are not ever going to see yourself excel in that area
Ever
Again.

So please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do NOT
Under ANY circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

Thank you,
Insecure and pitiful

"I love you"'s whispered through phone receivers,
Gave hope for another day.
We did this dance around each other's heads,
As sweet nothings played to the sound of our song.
He and I,
content.
Happiness had never been my strongest emotion,
until I found him.
No feeling could match the one he gives me,
like being right where I belong.
It is at moments like this,
that I know,
without a doubt in my heart,
that he is the one for me.

because the touch of your skin is forever my favorite sensation,
your eyes are my favorite shade of lonely,
the beat of your heart is my favorite base line,
my favorite melody is the one your vocal cords carry.
I miss you,
because your warmth is my favorite temperature,
your face is my favorite sculpture,
the way you walk is my favorite dance,
my favorite flavor is the taste of your kiss.
I miss you,
because your smile is my favorite drug,
your laughter is my favorite song,
the color of you hair is my favorite shade of mysterious,
my favorite scent is yours.
I miss you,
because your love is the only one that was true,
your intentions were the only one's that were pure,
the way you looked at me could not be faked,
my heart was yours,
and yours was mine.

Until next time,
*the one who love you more than anything

Fragile conscious, forgotten dreams of love,
I was alone, wondering, hopeless, small,
Lonely and outcast, I, a flightless dove,
Cautious, afraid of letting myself fall.
My life was a series of blacks and whites,
Not a soul there to warm my untouched heart,
Then, he appeared and his eyes; what a sight,
Now, we can barely stand to be apart.
He showed me what love is and to this day,
Nothing in the world can match this feeling,
His love is true no matter what they say,
We will be together and not stop loving.
Our future is a promise together,
True love lasts, against the world forever.

Ignorablity is by far my best quality.
I could be in a room full of people,
Screaming in pain or sobbing like a baby,
And still be ignored.
I'm practically invisible
Sometimes it's good,
But mostly
It's a curse.
I've been crying every day this week,
But unsurprisingly,
No one has bothered to ask me why.
I'm slowly crumbling into myself,
Dying,
Alone,
Afraid,
Starving for care.
Yet,
Unsurprisingly
No one
Was
There.

A lonely melody played in slow motion,
flashbacks of laughter and words unspoken,
a haunting memory of hearts being broken,
I am a fish swimming in my own ocean,
fists tightened and heart ready for devotion,
with that lonely melody tearing me open,
veins of fire with loves potion,
a boy and a girl and a life chosen,
you can't contain the purest emotion,
a lonely melody will always been golden,
once the course is set and guns are loaded,
love cannot be destroyed or mearly stolen,
it is the one true token,
so hold fast to your love and cherish the moment,
after all that lonely melody can turn to a poem.

I am Strong

I am  Powerful

I am Brave

I am Strong

I am Powerful

I am Brave

**I am Strong

I am Powerful

I am Brave

he touched me like i was fragile piece of glass
held me in his arms as if i would shatter if he let go
kissed my forehead so gentle it was as if his lips weren't even there
wiped away my tears like they were made of vapor
and spoke like he was telling me the most important secret in the whole world
"I love you"

The world is full of things I hate,
things I could much rather live without.
When people are rude to their parents,
when people complain about their hardships but do nothing to overcome them,
when people **** shame girls for the same things guys are praised for,
when I get told something about me is wrong when I can't help it,
when people project their problems onto those who do nothing to deserve the suffering,
when I'm harassed for even existing,
when people lie when they know the other person knows the truth,
when I come home to drug and alcohol use by someone I have no authority over,
when I have nightmares so vivid, I can't tell what's reality anymore,
when people try to control other people's lives,
when I can't even get out of bed without wishing I was dead,
when I accidentally rhyme,
when I can't even be happy on my Prom night because my depression prevents any kind of happiness from truly being my emotion,
when I can't stop shaking at Post Prom because my anxiety is killing me and I hate feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people who love me.
I hate this.
I hate you.
I hate them.
I hate myself.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face,
I didn't know what it meant so I just hid it away.
That's my problem,
you see,
whenever the sun shines,
I hide in fear,
that's my sin.
I
don't really know what I'm fight'n for,
but I do know it's important so I implore
myself to get up,
wipe away the tears,
forget the grinding gears
in my soul.
I know it's hard to comprehend
the things I've been through
but ya gotta understand,
I'm just 17 and I've seen the worst of life,
been kicked down every time I tried to fight.
I can't win,
I can't lose,
'cause I got nothin' left,
just me,
myself,
and I will never forget,
how I fought those battles,
broke down those walls,
stood up and braced the impact
of every fall.
I'm strong but I'm weak in way you can't understand,
I work hard so I don't have to see it again,
that world I was brought in,
the pain I saw,
the and I will never forget.
This is my fight song.

You are the sweetest guy I have ever met.

You know all the right things to say,
you shower me with compliments,
make me laugh when I feel like crying.
You never cease to amaze me,
with your beautiful way with words.
Each line you text me,
a breath of poetry.
Your heart is an ocean of gold,
with nothing but kindness in it.
You chivalry is unmatched,
by the other guys I'm used to.
I cannot imagine a day without your words,
sending pangs of happiness up my spine.
I'd love to thank you
a million times each day,
but the time zones won't allow that.
One day I hope to meet you,
have that dinner we talked about.
See your smile in person.
Trace my fingers over your tattoos.
Hear your laugh when listening to my stories
of American high school.
We could stay up all night,
swapping stories in the dark.
Sit in the field near my house,
just gazing at the stars.

*Pun intended

Heartbreak is a funny thing,
it can lead you to discover new things about yourself,
for better,
or for worse.

I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.*
*My hair is too thin.
My thighs are too jiggly.
My **** isn't perky.
My face isn't symmetrical.
My body is unproportionate.
My stomach is chubby.
My ***** are awkward.
My voice is too annoying.
My smile is stupid.
My scars are too unattractive.
My problems aren't as bad as other people.
My depression is a nuisance.
My anxiety attacks are overly dramatic.
My PTSD is pathetic.
My personality is too complicated.
My laugh is obnoxious.
My attention span is irritating.
My needs are too much.
My heart is too damaged.
My foundation is cracked.
My dependance is exhausting.
My fears are childish.
My past is haunting.
My future isn't bright.
My soul is undeserving.
My insecurity is too strong.
I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.

I still get chills and waves of pain
When she writes and speaks your name.
But looking back,
Reading your words
And listening to recording you made,
I reminisce and smile,
Looking through pictures
Of our happy life together,
And don't feel afraid.
You loved me more than you ever had anyone else.
Forever in my heart,
And forever in my dreams,
I pray for angles to protect you,
Through the tears and screams.
You're all alone now,
Unable to find peace,
But know in your heart,
I will always be yours.
The day you promised,
We could name our first son Oliver.
The day you reminded me,
My initials would stay the same after we married.
The you first told me,
How much I meant.
The day you proved,
Our love was cement.
I keep you in my thoughts and dreams,
And maybe one day,
It won't end up as bad as it seems.

Love,
Mrs. VR *******br>

My lifeline is a boy who doesn't exist.
A made up dream thought up by a kid.
His dark hair the hills of soil for my flowers.
His gaze the river I could float in for hours.
His enchanting eyes the moon that shines in the dark.
His pink lips the shade of my Bleeding Hearts.
His freckles the ladybugs that land in the garden.
His smile the reflection of the sun on the pond.
His heart beat the rhythm of my feet as I run.
His voice the call of a summers day.
His back the tree I use to reach for the skies.
His hands the branches I use to climb.
His arms the fortress surrounding my fragility.
His chest the pillow where I weep.
His legs the wings that steer me home.
His mind the temple where I roam.
His heart the bed where I rest.
His "I love you" the one that knows me best.
My lifeline is a boy who doesn't exist.
A made up dream I thought up,*
*that's it.

Mark,
You are a cute *** *******.
Unlike any guy I've ever had the slightest bit of interest in, I don't freak the **** out when I see you or when I talk to you.
You're kind and gentle and goofy and I don't see anything wrong with you.
You would think that having a lot of problems of my own would make me feel the need to invalidate yours but in actuality, when something is wrong, I will do whatever I can to help you. Even if it means dealing with not talking to you for a while. Yes, it does make me sad and yes, I do hate it. But it's what I need to do.
I'll never feel safer in my entire life when I'm in your arms.
This is the most complicated situation that I've ever had to deal with. But I love it.
I don't care if my stepdad doesn't like you and doesn't want us o see each other.
I don't care if my mom hate me taking pictures with you. She doesn't understand what it's like.
No one does.
I don't care if we can't necessarily be out in public too much because of the situation.
I don't care if I'm being threatened or people hate me.
The people who really care about me are there to protect me. And they will debunk any rumors that anyone tries to spread.
No one is going to believe that I had *** with you.
I've never been that kind of girl.
Even when I had my little thing with Sean and he started to talk about it, I laughed and ignored it.
I've never been in a relationship before and I'm not about to get all caught up in my first one.
I'm better than that.
I don't look down on people who do.
It's just not in my personality and I have too much self respect to let myself fall into that.
Plus, you're already in enough trouble.
You're not dumb enough to purposefully get into more.
Anyways, as I was saying.
It's only going to be difficult for a little while.
But if we can survive through this, I don't see why our relationship would turn to **** anytime soon after I graduate.
I'm one of those kinds of people who loves to plan ahead and fantasize about my life after high school.
I can't take everything by the day.
I find it extremely hard to live in the moment because moments don't last forever.
And the faster they go by, the sooner I'm living my life how I want to live it.
The only time that my heart makes me live in the moment, is when I'm with you, because there are so few. And a lot of that is my fault. I should have been more careful. I should have deleted messages more often and made sure to get rid of any evidence.
I'm sorry. If I could go back and change what I messed up on, I would.
I want nothing more than to restart this whole entire year.
I ****** up so much and I can't blame anyone but myself for how ****** things are.
I guess I just have to deal with it.
But what ***** is that because of me and my irresponsibility, you have to suffer.
I'm so sorry.
Every night I go to sleep afraid that the next morning you're going to wake up and realize that you don't need me.
That's the thing I'm most afraid of.
It's happened so many times and I don't want to have to suffer through another heartbreak.
I can't not have you in my life.
Contrary to what everyone thinks, you're the best thing in my life.
All you did was love me and let me love you and that wasn't wrong.

The first time I met you
you were a stranger I desperately wanted to know.
A voice that carried and a face I searched for while performing.
"Who are you?"
"Apprentice sound tech and lights guy"
I had never seen you before.
New?
Freshman.
My heart lept.
You didn't look like a freshman.
You didn't act like a freshman.
You didn't carry yourself like a freshman.
You were different.
You were new.
You were sweet.
We messed around a bit before rehearsal,
theater became something I looked forward to
instead of dreading.
After each performance
I realized
I no longer would have an excuse
no opportunity to talk with you.
I had
no number,
no Snapchat username,
no Instagram handle,
no Facebook info.

Kylee was my savior;
let me steal your Snapchat from her.
You added me back later that day.
Facebook friends.
Found your Instagram.
Sent a snap of me making a pun.
You laughed,
thanked me for the cupcake
I brought just for you,
since you tried to steal mine the previous day.
We talked for hours.
Exchanged Skype names.

Now I love you and I can't get out.
I don't want to.
I know I'll get hurt
but the high
you give me
is too good to pass up.

This moment,
one of many,
so, so many.
Feeling surfacing,
hearts syncing.
Laughter
harmonizing,
our favorite melody.
Songs of "I love you"'s
playing over
and over.
The fireworks
literally and
figuratively,
lit up
our world.
We spent that day
and many others
                                                           *together.

You head over at 6 pm on Wednesdays,

You call me.

You leave on Sunday mornings,

I call you.

You've only been gone 3 hours,

You call me.

You leave for work at 5:15 pm,

I call you.

You don't get your first break until 10 pm,

You call me.

You get off work at 6 am,

I call you.

Every day.

We call.

I spoke your name like a prayer,
and you sang mine like it was your favorite song.
I loved you like puppy loves her person,
and you loved me like star in the night.
We were torn and broken,
lost and hurt.
I will always be with You.
You will always be with Me.
No matter what happens,
how far apart we are,
we will always have each other.
And that's true love,
isn't it?

I miss him.
I miss the way he kissed me.
I miss the way he would hold me.
I miss the way he smiled at me.
The way he looked into my eyes.
How he made me feel content.
I miss how he'd joke about my tiny hands.
I miss the scent of him on my pillow.
I miss the love he gave me,
and how he showed it.
He's all I want and need,
so I miss him.
And I don't regret it.