I've been kicked around,
that's a fact.
I've fallen down,
but I've come back.
I've stood tall,
through all the ****.
I've broke a couple falls,
and taken some hits.
I've had to crawl,
to find my grit.
I've been stayin' alive,
so I can fight.
I've had to strive,
to make it through the night.
I've learned to use my drive,
to see my own light.
I've found a way to thrive,
without ruining someone's life.

So to those who a still fighting,
don't give up,
stay strong,
don't let them bring you down,
you are powerful,
and you can make it through anything.

-V

"I never really liked blue eyes,
but her's,
                           god,
the way they reflect the sunlight,
the way they sparkle in the dark,
the way they gaze into mine.
She has guided me through
one of the darkest times of my life.
She is the light of my life.
She has stood behind me
throughout this all.
Refusing to back down.
She loves me and
god
do I love her.
If only I could tell the world,
                         she's mine.
I could hold her hand in public,
I could kiss her in front of others,
I could run away wit her,
we could finally be free.
But,
until then,
we'l just have to wait.
After all,
two years
isn't that far away."

Do you think Mark is okay? I'm scared. He's all alone and he has no one there for him and to hold and tell him that he's going to be okay. I'm so scared, Sean. People who've gotten the chance to see him out say that he looks terrible and like a zombie. He has literally no one. I hate not being able to do anything...

I'm so sorry, Button. I know you're hurting but...I don't know how to help you. The situation is beyond both of your controls at this point. Just stay strong. If not for yourself, for him. What was the last thing he said to you?

"WHY IS SHE TALKING TO ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND???"

Okay....what was the last thing he SAID to you?

"I love you, Victoria."

Then have faith in that. Believe that he loves you.

But he doesn't.

He does.

You don't know that.

But I do. He loved you then and he loves you now. Don't give up on him. There's still a chance.

Okay..*

So what else happened today?
........................................................­

Piece by piece,
I gather myself up.
I'm shattered.
But the shards of my heart
are too sharp for putting back together.
But I'll recover when hell freezes over
and the dead come home.
I'm lost, afraid
ying to escape these walls.
Trapped
somewhere I know nothing of
and as if it's that simple to leave,
why don't I?
Alyssa?
Jordan?
Molly?
Emilie?
Tyler?
Sean?
Jesse?
Mark?
No..
I have to survive through this war I've been fighting.
Depression never quits.
And neither
will
I.

In my entire life I had never noticed,
how much I mean to others.

I saw myself as a spec of dust,
hardly worth the oxygen I needed to survive.

But once I opened myself to the warm arms
of the many people who love me,
I knew who I was.

I made a list,
of all of you.

108 and counting,
of people who care.

When I posted about it,
so many of you said,
"I'm on there, right?"

Of course you are.
I wouldn't be who I am
without you.

So thank you,
all of you,
for helping me survive.

I only have two friends in this world.

Jesse and Christina.

I pray for them everyday.

All they rest have gone away.

Because I'm tired of all the lying.

I'm tired of all the drama.

I just want to be happy.

Is that such a problem?

Apparently.

Strength is the ability to stare fear in the face,
*and smile at it.

ven·det·ta
venˈdedə/
noun
noun: vendetta; plural noun: vendettas
a prolonged bitter quarrel with or campaign against someone.

Rain drop
Drop top
I'm Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop

I made the initiative
to board the train
got left with nothing
only pain

I tried to fly
and fell a great height
maybe that's why
I can't put up the fight

I hide away
I sit at home
maybe that's why
I'm all alone

until the next life
I carry this weight
the darkness is now
my natural state

I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.
My hair is too thin.
My thighs are too jiggly.
My **** isn't perky.
My face isn't symmetrical.
My body is unproportionate.
My stomach is chubby.
My ***** are awkward.
My voice is too annoying.
My smile is stupid.
My scars are too unattractive.
My problems aren't as bad as other people.
My depression is a nuisance.
My anxiety attacks are overly dramatic.
My PTSD is pathetic.
My personality is too complicated.
My laugh is obnoxious.
My attention span is irritating.
My needs are too much.
My heart is too damaged.
My foundation is cracked.
My dependance is exhausting.
My fears are childish.
My past is haunting.
My future isn't bright.
My soul is undeserving.
My insecurity is too strong.
I will never be perfect.
I will never be enough.
I just won't be,
to anyone.

Trying to describe your depression to someone is like trying to describe a color to someone who has been blind their whole life.

I eat ***.

Recently, my awake feels faker than my dreams.
I can't help but scream.
It's killing me,
this pain I feel.
I'm trying to distract myself from what I perceive as real.
It's impossible to heal.
This cycle I'm in tears me to shreds.
Honestly, I'd be better off dead,
so I just stay in bed.
Pretending that the pain is gone
and you're still there singing me that stupid song.
It's been too long.
The heart can only take so much before it shatters.
Not that it really matters,
the pieces are too scattered.
The shards are too sharp to put back together and I don't know why.
I'd honestly rather die.
Waking up makes me want to cry.
Dreams are too much for my heart to take
because seeing your face feels fake.
But it was a decision my soul had to make,
to forget you
and all my tears fall like dew
when I think of all we had been through.
It hurts.
Maybe I'll find you again on my search,
and for what it's worth,

**I loved you.

Something about you,
makes my heart flutter.
I don't know why,
and I don't know how,
I managed to fall.
But I did.
And now,
I can't stop thinking about you.
Your goofy smile,
your sandy hair,
your stupid jokes,
and your banter with me.
These things built up
the foundation
of a crush.
But graduation is in less than two months.
Then,
you may be gone forever.

The days you're gone are the hardest,
I sit alone in the living room,
trying to find the courage to do the impossible;
live without you.

Seconds feel like hours,
hours feel like days,
moments pass me by,
moving in slow motion.

No matter where you go,
no matter how far,
I will be waiting,
til the end of time.

Things were fine
until I started to feel alone.
Things were fine
until I wasn't needed.
Things were fine
until I was replaced.

I was happy
until I started to feel alone.
I was happy
until he chose a toxic relationship over me.
I was happy
until he replaced me as his best friend.

I was content
until I started to feel alone.
I was content
until I began to feel invisible.
I was content
until I became a waste of space.

I was recovering
until I started to feel alone.
I was recovering
until he tried to validate hurting me.
I was recovering
until he proved I wasn't important anymore.

I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.
I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.
I was getting over it
until I started to feel alone.

I WAS GETTING OVER IT
*UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I AM ALONE.

"Think about it, we have each other and all she has is her rage."*

Because one can't simply be happy in this world without there being people to try to tear them down.

"The simplest way to describe love is probably when you feel like, just being around them, you're at home.
You forget about everything else.
Everything fades away except their presence and your presence.
You give everything just to spend a minute with them.
You sacrifice sleep some nights just in case they need you at all.
You get a warm feeling inside of your chest whenever you hear their voice and when they're talking about something they're passionate about, you can't stop smiling and all your attention is on them.
They know all the right things to say and never fail to remind you that they exist and love you with every fiber of their being.
You never feel nervous around them, or get butterflies, nor does your heart beat out of control.
You're calm and relaxed."

I ****** up again.

And because I didn't apologize for stating my feelings,

I was left.

Yet again.

By someone who promised to never leave.

So goodbye,

To another person who realized that I'm impossible to love and not good enough.

You were just a voice at first,
a melody I had never heard
that graced my ears.
I knew your name,
I knew your voice,
and I knew your laugh.
What I didn't know
was your face.
I had never met your tall frame.
I had never met your piercing blue eyes.
I had never met the vibrant light you brought to a room.
But once I did,
my whole world felt different.
Sure,
Luke was still in my heart,
But you,
you clouded my head.
I severed as many ties with him as I could,
not knowing it would lead me to you.
Prom was an idea to spite him.
The thought of taking his best friend to something so special,
it filled me with excitement.
But it was weeks later
when I realized,
it wasn't to spite him.
It was to spend time with you.
That's why I had my party;
invited you and the boys over,
so I could have you around me.
So I could make you smile.
Make you laugh.
That's all I want to do,
make you happy.
I wouldn't say I'm in love,
just
intrigued.

"And the ****** who hurt you physically is a *******"
-Star Gazer, poet

I miss you.
I've missed you every day.
I wish you weren't so stupid.
I wish I wasn't so dumb.
I wish we could be happy.
I wish you were still my fork.

Silent dreams are dissolved away,
stirred awake by unrecognizable reality,
and my head on the pillow rests at home, and the vacant midnight passes,

This house knows all too well,
how to be dark and the forest remembered how to be mysterious,
as the
tap!
tap!
tap!
of wicked tree branches whipping at my window.

Almost breathing the raw, agonizing air,
lungs shriveled with fear.

I walk in blackness and I stumble and fall
as a way to escape
but not succeeding.

I
I have
I have a
I have a secret
I have a secret wish
I have a secret wish to
I have a secret wish to leave
I have a secret wish to leave this
I have a secret wish to leave this world
I have a secret wish to leave this world and
                                                             ­      never
                                                         ­                   come
                                       ­                                              back
                                                          ­                                        .

We both have blonde hair and blue eyes,
and we hate our lives!

sometimes

i think she forgets

i

was

his victim

too

Who I am is not mesured by the words or opinions of others.
Who I am is what believe in.
And I believe in myself.

*I am strong.

I've tried so hard,
and I've made it this far, (and I still can't make it,)
so I will carry on. (so I should give up,)
People care (No one cares)
about my future.

His love is like a drug shot into empty veins,
His eyes intoxicate and paralyze,
Our hushed voices whispering confession of love,
We are as children giggling into the night,
Each other’s shirts grasped gently in loving hands.

He fueled my fire of love left unattended,
He gives new meaning to the word “home”,
His arms an embrace of purity and warmth,
My fingers comb through his hair when panic attacks strike,
We take care of each other like family as we will be.

I never felt this rhythm to my heart,
My pulse beats with promise of a future with this man,
Our fates intertwined as our hands on a calm summer night.
He is mine.
I am his.