In a dream, I saw myself,
Then erupted into tears.
The innocence shown then
Was destroyed throughout the years.

A glass shattered to a million pieces,
Will never be the same.
Glue it together if you want,
All it keeps is its name.

A car left abandoned,
Falls into disrepair.
It will never run right,
Upon this I swear.

People are the same,
Clinging to a better time.
Staying stuck in place,
Destined to never climb.

In a dream, I saw myself,
Then erupted into tears.
The innocence shown then
Was destroyed throughout the years.

I lost myself in passion,
And traded virtue for lust.
Kissing two strangers,
Then dissolving to dust.

I cried in my mother's arms,
As I questioned my life.
How I traded innocence for guilt,
How I traded joy for strife.

The kiss of a stranger,
Is an empty thing.
Whereas the kiss of a lover,
Can make one's heart sing.

We all make mistakes,
That's what mother said.
But I despise the things I do,
I'd be better off dead.

When will this tumult end,
When will I be free?
When will I be loved,
When will I discover "me"?

I am so cold and so empty,
And without any light.
And without a shred,
I've lost my fight.

I'm caught in the middle,
Of someone else's game.
Twisted as hell,
I stay the same.

Try as I might,
There is no reward.
No lover to hold,
No future to look toward.

How long can I last,
In this diseased state?
How long can I pivot,
And avoid my fate?

The road will end
With an unfulfilled dream.
A man torn asunder
By his self-esteem.

Tears will be wept,
But nothing will be lost.
For I am an empty vessel,
Battered and tossed.

I'm in love with the idea of being in love,
Of kissing a boy, of having enough.
I trust in the process of having trust,
Of flying free like the happiest dove.
I'm in love with the idea of being in love,
But more so in love with all of the above.

There are many things to desire,
In this world of frost and fire.
I know not where to look,
Who is friend, who is liar.

Many paths exist, calling my name,
Some born in modesty, some in fame.
Despite this, I ignore them all,
Buried deep within my shame.

My future seems set in stone,
The path before me, known.
Spent in solace, all alone.
Hiding from what I can't atone,

My mind is on fire,
And I'm out of control.
The choices I make
Wreak a heavy toll.

You learn in life that
No one gives a ****.
You learn that in the end,
You're **** out of luck.

People are full of empty promises,
All talk and no action.
Dividing you into broken
******* factions.

No more mincing words,
I am ******* ******.
Your lack of transparency
Will not be missed.

Goodbye,
I hate you.
Thanks for nothing.

Cigarette between my fingers,
I watch the smoke drift away;
Not normally a smoker,
But I am today.

Smoke meant to ****,
Somehow makes me feel alive.
I inhale it as deep as possible,
But internally I cry.

Who am I?
I do not know.
Time to carry on
This tiring show.

Lies leave your lips
Like water from a leaky faucet

A smile is on my lips,
While a hole is in my soul;
I'll laugh for the moment,
But cry when I'm alone.

My mask is perfect,
Deceiving all who see.
They think I am content,
Cannot hear my silent plea.

If I am hurting,
You will never know.
My mask is unwavering,
Blow after blow.

I weep for the children,
Nurtured in denial;
Taught to hate themselves,
As if living were a trial.

They say be yourself,
But don't be too bold.
You can express yourself,
But please fit our mold.

We love you unconditionally,
Unless you are gay.
For that is sinful,
You will surely pay.

Hypocrites raising children,
Are like a hammer to glass.
Destined to devastate,
Destined to smash.

He told me that he loved me,
But his actions said this:
"I love what you do for me,
Now give me a kiss."

"I will not help,
But I want this and that.
Don't you love me?
Please be my doormat."

And I did, because I loved you.
My family saw it before I;
They saw what you were doing,
How you made me want to die.

How you pushed them away,
So I would depend on you alone.
Your resentment quickly grew,
If they even called my phone.

I don't even think you knew
How controlling you became.
You made me question myself,
Made me feel I was insane.

And even now, though it's over,
You have a hold on me.
I hate to admit it, but truth is,
It is plain to see.

On this lonely night,
My mind travels to the past.
Why didn't it work?
Why didn't it last?

A whole year later,
Your name is still on my lips.
I hold it in but
Sometimes it slips.

Do you remember the beginning,
When we talked all day?
We would last forever.
That was what we'd say.

You were my peace,
My solace, and my rock.
We thought it would endure,
Could outlast the clock.

Love morphed to resentment,
Trust, to deceit.
Reassurance to fear,
Endurance to defeat.

People change,
But I thought we'd change together.
Our resolve blew away like
The wind tosses a feather.

I don't know how to believe in love.
I thought I had it.
I thought I had you.
I thought that we fit.

How can I trust myself,
When I was so wrong?
Five years with you
Didn't even seem long.

I hope you are well,
And that you know,
I'll love you forever,
Wherever you go.

Boy with blue eyes,
Break my heart.
Your plush lips
Are a work of art.
Lost in your scent;
Cool breath, pure smile.
It holds me in place,
Yet makes my heart travel a mile.
Kiss away my tears,
And pull me tight.
If this is wrong,
I don't want to be right.

Words can't hurt me,
Or at least that's what I say.
Because admitting it hurts,
Only creates more honest prey.

Small in your eyes,
And small in mine.
Like a speck of nothing;
Give me a sign.

Is there any meaning?
Should I go on?
What is the point in
Staying past dawn?

Let's be honest,
And tell the truth.
You hate me,
And I hate you.

You don't even know me,
Not that you want to.
You live your life in red;
I live mine in blue.

We have nothing in common.
That used to not matter.
But any semblance of friendship
Was led to shatter.

I fell in love with the idea of death;
A knife became my best friend,
And despite my goodness,
I wanted my life to end.

Sensitive by nature,
I cannot understand.
The hatred that people feel,
The answers they demand.

If you could see my soul,
You would live in shock;
Believe me, my friend,
I wish I could turn back the clock

A road that never ends,
Is terrifying to travel.
Will I be born anew,
Or will my mind unravel?

Like whispers in the wind,
My words have gone.
What can I say?
What excuse can I don?

Being silent is easier,
Than conveying this grief.
The death of who I was,
The birth of disbelief?

Inching through life,
A broken shell.
I thought I had hit rock bottom,
But yet again I fell.

I stare into a stranger's eyes,
When I look in the mirror.
But behind the dull look
Is an overwhelming fear.

What if this never changes?
What if I can't come back?
If I'm gone forever?
If myself I'll always lack?

But more so than that,
I'm afraid of myself.
The atrocities I commit,
Cannot be good for my health.

I'm supposed to heal?
When I hate who I am?
Is that even possible,
Or is even trying a sham?

Take your medication.
Like candy each day.
If it's not working,
Then take it twice a day.

You don't feel like yourself?
You're complaining about that?
I thought after what you've done,
You'd be patting me on the back.

I guess it is better to be numb.
Than to feel this weight.
When I took that knife to my throat,
I had already decided my fate.

Like whispers in the wind,
My words have gone.
What can I say?
What excuse can I don?

Send me to prison.
The joke's on you.
It can't be worse
Than what I put myself through.

Take me away,
From this "life" that I lead.
It has grown unfamiliar,
So please hear my plea.

I don't know me,
But my family pretends to.
"We'll talk about it," they say.
But then we never do.

So judge me and hate me,
Critique and berate me.
Because even I
Cannot stand the sight of me.

I change each year just a little,
Shedding the skin I grew to know.
That's part of growing up,
You reap what you sow.

I have freedom now,
But I miss the structure of the past.
Does that make me weak,
To want something to last?

Things look different to me, now,
The world shifting around me.
I recognize none of this,
And yet memories only make me bleed.

Is it wrong to miss the chaos?
Is it wrong to want to go back?
I grew up in fear,
I was always under attack,

I'm not sure how to exist without the chaos.
I don't know how to make it through.
I used to have dreams, plans,
But deep down I knew.

This was my fate all along.
To forget myself at last.
Everything has fallen apart;
Turned to shattered glass.

I once compared myself to a flower,
But flowers seem to wither apart.
They cannot withstand the cold,
Nor can they endure a dark heart.

Flowers exhibit fragility like nothing else,
And that is how I viewed myself.
Looking back on my life, now,
I see the sins I have kept on a shelf.

I see the things I have hidden from the world,
The traits that sleep deep inside of me.
Attributes of which I should be ashamed,
Truths I will never set free.

The monster which taunted me,
It has left a blatant mark.
Pulling me so close,
And placing its hand upon my heart.

I fear that is what I have become,
Not a flower, nor a part of nature at all.
The changes that I have made,
They have led me to my downfall.

Lost something along the way,
Fell off the broken path.
Struggled with being gay,
Felt the world's wrath.

Flowery words convey humanity,
Sometimes describe sanity,
Sometimes evoke vanity,
Hold no place for profanity.

But, tonight, all I can say is *******.

I will paint scarlet skies blue,
Until the blood fades away.
Replace the smog with grass,
Replace tears with trees that sway.

I will sing a cheerful song,
As chaos screeches into the air.
Breathe in oxygen where before
My lungs were bare.

When solitude finds me in life,
I find my own inner peace.
Having experienced strife
Is better than for life to cease.

We are a lucky species, to be so aware,
To not only see colors but to bestow them names.
To write poems about their flare,
To capture ice, to capture flames.

So when I am morose,
And diamonds drop from my eyes.
Time passes, the wind blows,
And I remember what it means to be alive.

Silver boulder nestled upon the grass,
As the surface collects the sheer sunlight.
This stone retains the warmth which does not last,
While my fingers against the hard stone write.

The rock absorbs cold air upon nighttime,
Adapts to each climate it is within.
Diverse foliage surrounds all which doth chime,
Sounds of nature are to beauty akin.

I rest upon the stone, feeling the air,
A force which grasps like a warm and fond hand.
Sunlight filters through the sparse trees, so fair,
While some music cues in my head, unplanned.

This is my place—solace from all truth,
A place which does ignite my life, my youth.

His eyes penetrate the mirror,
And the glass penetrates him back.
Tears rain down his cheeks,
And his semblance undergoes a crack.

His head hits the pillow,
His eyelashes flutter along to dreams.
Mother watches with weepy eyes,
Then sunlight through the window beams.

His heart flutters like a leaf in a breeze,
Excited by the man before his eyes.
For years he has struggled
With this affection he was taught to despise.

Even as his heart tells him what to do,
The boy continues to hide his truth.
It seems there is much to lose,
It seems a way to ruin his youth.

But the secret ails him—
A condition untreated.
Without exploration,
His heart remains defeated.

Destruction clasps onto him, an iron grip,
And his demons come alive.
He begins to hate himself,
Struggling to survive.

Hatred finds him during his adolescence—
Like a deadly blade wishing him dead.
To survive, he learns a simple truth—
His beliefs must be shed.

Now a cloak of happiness hangs from his shoulders—
His boyfriend is in his arms.
He has parted with society’s silly notions,
Of which only dealt him harm.

I am losing years to complacency.
Adrift in a city I don't understand.
Without those I love,
With none holding my hand.

When I wake each day,
The sun is still bright.
When I lie down to bed,
I can still sleep at night.

I do not dream anymore.
Good nor bad.
I do not experience as strongly,
Feelings of happy or sad.

So though the sun rises,
And the night falls,
I am lost in my own chaos,
Trapped behind these walls.

The noise never falters away,
What it is, I cannot say.
It plays in my head like a twisted song,
It tells me what I am doing wrong.

Sometimes it seems to play aloud,
And I question why others don't see its shroud.
But my mind is what is slipping,
The seams are tearing, ripping.

I am not crazy. But I do suffer.
I tell myself to be tougher.
But words are nothing in the face of fear.
They are nothing to stop my tears.

I dream of silence, it seems grand.
I dream of a different time, different land.
Books take me far, I escape it all.
But one day, I might still fall.

Often do men conceal their true emotions,
Because flawed are all of the earth's people.
Movies make men believe risky notions,
Not to shed tears lest they forsake steeple.

I held your hand through the chaos,
Of which you were the creator.
Fear ran rampant in my chest,
I often felt like a traitor.

Then I dropped your hand to retreat,
And I watched the world collapse to nothing.
You fell to your knees, you gave in again,
Submitted to grief that was crushing.

I could not help it; my arm grew tired.
I began to lose my grasp on sanity.
I walked around so empty inside,
Caught up in vanity.

Many regrets pool in my mind,
When I lie down at night to sleep.
Often your face dances in my memories,
And often it begins to weep.

I removed the chains of fear,
Only to replace them with ones of sorrow.
It never seems to come to an end,
It never seems to cease to borrow.

I have little left to give.
I go through the motions of living.
Stuck in my emotions,
Having many misgivings.

I am sorry I dropped your hand,
But I am also not in the least.
I am sorry that you hurt,
That I came off as such a beast.

I made the decision to help myself,
Something long overdue.
In a desperate attempt to heal,
To stop feeling blue.

The world brought me to my knees so often that
I chained myself to a wall;
Though I am secured to its masonry,
From time to time I start to fall.

Wrists slide from their shackles, to the abyss below,
Where the quiet seems to stretch out like a warm embrace.
Where the trembling lips and shaking forms cease,
Where no longer exist the tears that roll down my face.

But perhaps I have too much resilience,
To break away from my *******;
Though I often squirm against the metal,
Feeling as if I've been taken hostage.

Each morning I wake in peaceful silence,
Yawning, stretching, starting the day.
But a mournful agony screeches inside,
Manipulating my thoughts and the words I say.

The world brought me to my knees so often that
I chained myself to a wall;
Though I am secured to its masonry,
From time to time I start to fall.

Winter trembles on the horizon,
Afraid to return to humankind.
People hate because it's cold,
But to turn it away is to be blind.

The grasp of tragedy is powerful,
Insurmountably bonded to our lives.
Terrorizing our very dreams,
Prickling at our spines like knives.

Outstretch your hands to the snow,
Coax it into your embrace.
We have all known the cold,
We have all been to that place.

Do you know how it feels to writhe in this heat?
When you are frozen inside?
To see the lives of others continue,
While you struggle not to cry.

Equilibrium will be reached when snow is abundant,
Blanketing the ground like a flowing sheet of paper.
When the warmth recedes to another place,
When breath spills from lips like vapor.

Winter trembles on the horizon,
Afraid to return to humankind.
People hate because it's cold,
But to turn it away is to be blind.

You are a ghost,
In this world alone.
Searching for hope,
The kind you'll never know.

You are a fool,
Someone to be abused.
You are a tool,
Stick to the rules.

You are a shadow,
You are a freak show,
Love you will never know,
Straight to hell you will go.

You are a ghost,
In this world alone.
Searching for hope,
The kind you'll never know.

The summer heat holds me today,
As I stroll and ponder my life.
The leaves are colorful as children play,
Living lives that are barren of strife.

My feet slap against the sidewalk,
Clouds roll across the blue sky.
The concrete is covered in chalk,
Birds squawk in the air as they fly.

Not all lives of children are without mayhem,
Shadows passing over even the littlest hearts.
These innocent little people are condemned
Before their lives even begin to start.

The human nature is a curious one.
Our emotions range from pure to despicable,
Some people having none,
It can be complex or predictable.

I learned many lessons as a child,
I watched a man drive his fist into my mother,
Lived a life that was so wild,
As my brother and I clung to each other.

I learned to fear alcohol as if it were alive,
Fear the drinker whose lips the poison passed through.
Years later I am picking up the pieces, as I strive,
To feel less sky blue.

This life is yours.
Cradle it in your palm.
Build your own doors.

Your appearance is yours.
Your personality is yours.
Your mind - yours.

Reach for the stars.
I know it can be hard.
But never stop reaching far.

The moon's glow holds nothing special tonight,
As someone so brilliant glimmers before my eyes.
It is captivating the way green eyes sparkle in moonlight,
The way rosy lips lightly release quiet sighs.

I am transported to other places, when there I gaze,
And you remain at my side wherever I roam.
You peel away the pain that has lingered like a haze,
Deciding that you will never leave me alone.

And on quiet nights, when there are no sounds in the air,
My mind wanders to the holder of my love.
Ponders green eyes that mesmerize as they stare,
Invalidating the glowing moon above.

I close my eyes on those quiet nights, and you appear,
Existing beside me to calm my shaking form.
Your embrace vanquishing my fear,
Calming this tumultuous storm.

Silence fills this space,
Tears tickling my face.
No words leave my lips,
A beat my heart skips.

Memories flash before my eyes,
Family, love, unbreakable ties.
The world has gained weight,
When this boy met this fate.

But these memories might fix the balance,
Of having lost a boy of many talents.
I live them each day now,
Even as I question, "How?"

Love does not die.
Nor family.
It will survive
This tragedy.

We are taught to conceal aspects of ourselves,
When they do not fit society's perception of normal.
Even the negative aspects that ought to be dealt with,
We conceal in a steadfast way, making them more formal.

Denying something makes it stronger,
Even when it is an awful thing.
That is why acceptance and appropriate action is warranted,
Rather than these same songs of denial we sing.

Mental programming, it is killing us all.
Mental programming, it is how we fall.
Mental programming, what an insistent call.
Mental programming - we must stand tall.

Hands brush against each other,
But dare not intertwine.
Their owners fear persecution,
So instead they choose to hide.

Eyes sparkle under sunlight,
Wide smiles sprawl across faces,
Lips quiver in loving desire,
But kissing is dangerous in these places.

A man bestows his husband with a present,
As they sit within a restaurant booth,
But all he can do is smile,
So onlookers won't know his heart's truth.

Under party lights, their arms intertwine,
Their eyes meet, their lips kiss.
They are surrounded by others,
Who only now can engage in this bliss.

They are free from judgement,
Free from danger, hearts soaring,
Lives molding together, passion flowing,
Love crying into the air, it is roaring.

Gunfire erupts, bodies are falling,
Safe places have become unsafe.
It seems we can not love freely,
No, not even in this place.

The pills do not work like promised,
For the thoughts still remain.
They have accomplished little,
Other than to drive me insane.

I feel myself becoming emotionless,
The medication smothers my ability to feel.
It helps me to endure this situation,
But it allows no room to heal.

But these blue pills, at least they are something,
Something to ease my suffering.
These many bad nights have left me terrified,
For I am prone to shuddering.

Having hindered emotions
Is better than feeling anxious or depressed.
So I will take this treatment even if
Happiness also suffers in the pursuit of rest.

L** osing people.
I gniting fires.
F ailing sometimes.
E nduring forever.

You hold onto me, lest I slip away,
I can feel your fear vibrating against my body,
Your lips begging me to forever stay,
As if deeming me strong enough to remain.

But I am slipping.

Finger by finger,
I pull away,
And finger by finger,
I might not stay.

Time will tell this story,
Just wait and see it be created.
The ending of this story, good or bad
Has always been fated.

I am slipping.

Finger by finger,
I pull away,
And finger by finger,
I might not stay.

When I close my eyes, I see faces of people who have left.

I see smiles.
I see memories.
I see leaf piles.
I see passion.
I see small towns.
I see compassion.
I see rosy cheeks.
I see bonfires.
I see happy weeks.

When I open my eyes, I see the faces of those remaining.

I see tears.
I see decline.
I see fears.
I see locked doors.
I see alcohol.
I see unfamiliar floors.
I see red lines.
I see broken homes.
I see dark times.

How dare I meander through the woods,
And touch the trees with my fingers?
Nature wails loudly like a siren,
Yet here among the trees humankind lingers.

The grass crunches under my feet,
It might as well be the skulls of the innocent.
Nature exists as a cruel force but
Compared to people it is benevolent.

Smoke trails from chimneys to the sky,
Like black ink staining bright pages.
Mother Nature’s very tears consist of acid,
Which has accumulated throughout the ages.

Forests are ravaged so that we can have amenities,
Have the desired fabrics, papers, and things of the like.
Humans draw from nature as if it is expendable,
And the environment cannot retaliate nor strike.

When a child is beaten by his parents,
The world is aghast,
For how could one so young
Motivate hatred so vast?

Yet so few weep for nature,
Which in essence is that same crying child.
Unable to raise a hand in defense
Against destruction that is so wild.

Our fingers are stained with Mother Nature’s blood,
Yet we dare to bask in Her beauty.
We have failed to protect her
And we have abandoned our duty.