i want to find love again.

i want to hear the melodies its voice produces,
and feel the butterflies in my stomach.

i want to blush when it tells me I’m pretty
and feel my heart race when it touches me

i want to call someone mine.
i want to be theirs.

but it feels like i am incapable,
it feels like i am damaged.
like the last time i was in love was really...

the last time.

am i broken?
will i ever be able to feel things for someone again?
to want to talk to them every day?
and miss them every second we’re apart?

i have tried to fill the void with bodies but
the physical does not feel the same if the emotional intimacy is not there.
i want a connection beyond intertwined bodies and crumpled sheets.

just to know i can still have that.
to know that my past has not ruined my future.
to know that i can be fearless and allow my heart to lead me wherever it goes.

because i do want love,
i want that feeling again…

i miss it.

i miss being held and knowing that the world can’t get to me in its arms.
i miss being kissed and never wanting the moment to be over.
i miss caring about someone so deeply it takes over my whole body.

my only hope is that one day my feelings start to make sense to me,
so that i can reach the part of me that has so much love to give;
because i know that it’s there,
just scared in hiding...
i want to let it know its okay to come out.

when you’ve been in captivity so long,
you forget what outside looks like.
you start to make yourself comfortable in your cage;
it starts to feel like home.

when the door becomes unlocked and you have the chance to leave...
you hesitate.
outside is scary,
it is not a place you are used to.
it is not a place you can call home.

sadness is like that cage, and i, its prisoner;
the lock is broken and i can leave anytime i want,
so why do i still linger here?

i am not comfortable being happy.
it used to be something i craved, something i longed for everyday...
to finally feel the sun on my skin and have it mean something.

but i am at home here.
here in the darkness,
in the cage i have grown to love.
a cage that is mine and mine only

for so long i thought i just wanted to be happy.
i glorified it, the contentment.
i thought once i achieved it everything would be okay,
i never expected myself to want to run away from okay.

but here i am.
i do feel happier than i have in a very long time,
but i feel uneasy,
i feel insecure,
i feel unstable.

joy is like an undiscovered country for me and i am experiencing culture shock.
i feel like a fraud,
an outsider trying to blend in...
but i don’t know the mannerisms,
i don’t know the language,
i don’t know how to exist in this world.

i look forward to the day that i am truly at ease.
when my feelings exist in harmony, instead of against one another.
when i can build a new life in my bliss,
and have a new place to call home.

i used to see the world in grey,
few things ever appeared in color;
i was desperately searching for a way to paint my surroundings,
but none of the pigments ever came out right.

there are days where i see rainbows everywhere,
rainbows in a puddle, in a car, even in an old lady’s hair...

but the grey always has a way of creeping in again.

it is not easy to plug a spilled bottle of paint back up,
it gets messy;
it gets in your hair, on your hands...
and even after you’ve washed it all away, you can still see it under your fingernails.
the grey has a way of sticking like that, too.

for so long i felt i would never be able to see things the way they truly are,
my vision has been compromised with a permanent filter
but i stopped minding it that much.
the unusual becomes normal when it is all you know.

the night is most comfortable with itself at 3 am;
when the quiet is the only thing to see,
and the darkness the only thing to hear.
it is an illumination of peace,
an orchestrated sequence of silence.

a person is most vulnerable at night;
when words dance in the air like lovers at a ball,
and actions seem as powerful as the bodies making them.
it is a reawakening of the soul,
an unexpected baptism of emotion.

this is when i know you best;
in the middle of the night, at 3 am,
when everything is nothing
and we can only hear our breaths and heartbeats,
our bodies pressed together
almost as if they were meant to be molded into each other.

this is how it should be;
you,
and me,
alone for hours
because

i am most at ease when i am with you;
when you tangle my hair between your fingers,
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
it is a safe haven for me,
an unofficial place to call home.

i guess i should say thank you,
because you make love so easy.
everytime you hold me close,
it's like a breath of fresh air
and after what felt like drowning for so long,
i'm happy to be able to breathe again.

one: you have chosen to inhabit my inner thoughts. you won’t leave my head for days, weeks even.

two: i catch myself staring at your lips, examining you face, wondering what it would feel like to have it pressed against mine as our bodies breathe together.

three: there is a sharp pain in my chest when i see you. i picture what it would be like if you were holding my hand instead of hers.

four: together, we belong. the first time i told you i loved you, i meant it. the first time you told me you loved me, i believed you.

five: the last time i saw you was five minutes ago, but i already miss you.

six: the last time i spoke to you was a month ago, and i miss you. what happened?

seven: i can’t bring myself to get out of bed, everything reminds me of you.

eight: you called me for the first time in a while tonight, asking if we could just talk for a bit

nine: it took every part of me to stop myself from pouring my heart out to you once again

ten: i’m glad i hung up

i am a plastic bag floating upon the waves of an ocean
simply allowing them to carry me wherever i am destined to go

i stayed up all night
waiting for a text from you.
sunlight knocked on my bedroom window,
but i just shut it out once again...
i refuse to let anything other than u in

you know, i could never fall asleep properly until i heard from you...
so i guess you could say i haven’t gotten much sleep these past few months.
i have been staring at my ceiling for so long,
trying to picture us together again,
that i’ve nearly forgotten what the rest of the world looks like.

i never thought the day would come where my longing for you would bring me nothing but misery,
but here i am,
staring at my ceiling,
the sunlight is starting to creep in on me...
so i guess it’s time for me to close my blinds again.

when i hear love songs
i only think of you

i am sick of writing about you all the time.
my thoughts of you and the words that i write are intertwined,
and trying to unravel your ghost from my memories feels nearly impossible.

you are tattooed on my heart,
and with each thump a new line is generated-

thump
the heartbreak you have left me in feels like a maze i cannot find my way out of

thump
do you still find me as beautiful as you once did?

thump
i know that in my eyes you have never lost your charm

but i am sick of writing about you all the time.
because i am sick of feeling like this.
feeling like the entirety of my existence is so fragile,
depending on you to make me feel as if it is actually worth something,
depending on you to continue to reciprocate the feelings i have shared with you
even though deep inside i know that you are tired too.
tired of the see-saw like motions of our relationship...
even though, in our ups we felt like the king & queen of the world,
in our downs you no longer saw the point;
no longer see the point in trying to mend something you claim to be eternally broken.

am i sick for still trying?
why do i still allow myself to break my own heart over you?
is it because i still see potential where you see debris?

our love went up in flames,
and i think that we both tried to save as much of ourselves as we could from the fire...
save so much of ourselves
that we forgot about each other.

burnt cigarettes and tear soaked lashes-

the only way i know how to feel close to you anymore

the smile on your face
is enough to make my day,
but i get sad realizing that i am no longer the reason behind it

nighttime is reserved for thoughts of what could have been,
thoughts of us,
thoughts of you.

i am angry because it feels like,
between us,
i am the only one who is still grieving over my losses.
i lost my first love,
and my best friend.
i was left with no one.
and while i was wallowing in the depth of my sadness,
you had turned glue out of your tears and started putting the pieces of yourself back together.
i am not angry because you are doing better now,
just angry because
i am not.
im angry because you have started to find yourself, but i am still stuck in between us and *me

i don't believe you anymore when you say you care

its almost like we’ve been made to admire each other from a distance,
never actually courageous enough to approach one another.
we’ve never spoken, but i know you feel it too;
a connection.

today, i looked at you for the first time in what felt like a while,
and all i could think about is how good your lips would feel against mine.

i don’t know if we will actually end up together..
all i know is that i can’t stop daydreaming about you,
****, I’m even nightdreaming about you.
and in my dreams, i can call you mine
in my dreams, you are there to hold me in the dead of night,
when all of the shadows come creeping out.

let it come.
let it hit you as hard as it may.
let it sting; heartbreak always does...

then let it go;
you are stronger than this grief.

the worst thing you ever did to me
was give me hope again,

only to take it back
when you were not bored anymore

we’ll go days without speaking,
a blanket of awkward silences wrapped so tightly around us that we won’t have any room to move.

then you’ll text me.
i’ll reply.
tell you how greatly i’ve missed you, and that everything is okay now.

we’ll talk.

i’ll forbid myself from falling for you again, but when had i ever really listened to my own warnings?

once i’ll start getting pulled in again,

you’ll start to pull away.

that night that you told me you felt so alone
i called you, and we talked for hours.
we poured our feelings out to each other
like we used to on those nights when we hadn’t seen each other
in a while
and we just felt lonely.

you told me you felt so alone
and it made me feel relieved
because, you know,
i feel pretty alone, too.

and it made me feel relieved because
i thought maybe now,
even though we were still technically alone,
we could be alone together.
together, alone?
maybe just less alone?
whatever it is...

i just thought, you know,
why do this to ourselves?
why do you like doing this to yourself?
why do you like doing this to me?
i don’t like doing this to us, you know?

you said you still cared.
and, maybe you do,
i don’t doubt that maybe deep down, you’re telling the truth,
and its not all *******.
but i also don’t doubt that you don’t love me anymore.

because maybe you care,
but you don’t love me anymore
to care enough, you know?

you don’t love me anymore
to tell me to stay, this time.
is there a this time?
is that what this is?
are we just falling back into this poisonous cycle?
is it poisonous?
because all of the hurt i’m feeling right now
is not from when we were still together,
it’s all from afterwards.
doesn’t that mean anything?
that the only reason
i feel so empty
is because i’m not with you anymore?
the only reason
we feel so alone
is because we don’t have each other?

that night you told me you felt so alone
i called you, and we talked for hours
and i told you this:
that even though this phone call is so sad,
this is the happiest i’ve been in weeks.
and that was true,
i felt happy because finally,
i was, once again, talking to you.

What hurt the most
was that
you decided
I wasn't worth it anymore

i never knew what it was like to be heartbroken in love until i met you.
because i can call you mine, but when i say it the words feel empty...
you are mine.
are you?

the sweet nothings you whisper in my ear are starting to sound more like nothing than sweet,
and i don’t know how to tell you that i am no longer happy most of the time.
i have both my good, and my bad days;
but sometimes even the good days turn to bad,
and i know you can turn the bad days good again, but i don’t know how to ask.
maybe thats the problem.
maybe I’m just too afraid for love, too shy to be selfish enough to ask for all of your attention even though i know it is what i deserve.

how can i tell you that i am a growing hurricane?
Still developing, i am what scientists would call a tropical depression, but there is nothing tropical about this depression.
i am sad
and i don’t know how to ask for help.
i think when you told me you loved me, i misunderstood and heard “let me help you”;
so i said i love you back, but i really meant "i can’t breathe"...
and I’ve realized you can’t help me.

you can’t fix someone who doesn’t know why they’re broken
and maybe thats the problem
i spend too much time trying to find a solution, without focusing on what I’m trying to solve,
and its ruining me.
i know one day the storm in me will grow so loud it will flow out of me like soda from a shaken can,
and i don’t know how to be prepared~
all i can do now is wait.
wait for the damage,
wait for the day you realize I’m not good enough,
wait for the day you leave me,
tell me, it’s good for the both of us,
we just need to "grow apart."

how do i tell you that without your presence, i can’t tell the difference between up and down?
i don’t know what is right or wrong.
i don’t know how to grow without you.
you are all i have learned to know, learned to love.

how do i tell you that i love you without making it sound like an anchor?
digging deep in the trenches so you can’t leave me anymore.
how do i make sure that when i say it you hear me loud and clearly?

my words are stuck in a glass bottle,
swimming atop waves in furious ocean.
my only hope is that they wash up on your shore,
my only hope is that when you see them you start to miss me again,
the way i’ve been missing you since the day we parted.

i didn’t leave you because i didn’t love you anymore,
i left you because i didn’t think i was good enough to take any more of your time.
i left you because i felt like a burden to you.
something that was holding you back instead of pushing you forward.
at first, you disagreed with me.
you told me that you were only you when you were with me,
you told me that i was all you had.
baby,
don’t you realize?
i left you because i knew you could be better without me.

now, you have started to realize that that is true.
notice all of the things you can achieve without me in your life?
it’s beautiful, really.

beautiful in the way that everyday that passes the only thing i have on my mind is regret.
the fact that i gave you up kills me, because
i know now

i have grown
and i know now

that you have too

to me it makes sense that we try again,
because it is almost like we are completely different people now!
but you don’t see it that way...

you see it like you don’t want to get hurt by me again,
which i understand,
i don’t want to have the power to hurt you like i used to.
i don’t need that power anymore;
because i know me,
and you know you,
so how about we just allow ourselves to know each other all over again?
wouldn’t that be fun, baby?

but you don’t want that
you like the way your life is without me,
which i understand,
but i just want to be held again...
not by just anyone, but by you.
only you.
only you have been on my mind these past few months,
i am sick to my stomach from how much i miss you
but i guess i deserve it,
i am the one who pulled the trigger, after all...
which is to say, i am the one who let the balloon go

and i guess i’ve learned now that once it starts floating
it won’t want to come down again.

I’ve told you this before...
but i think of you a lot.
it’s not really intentional,
its just that
everything reminds of you.

when i see a flower-
i think of how good you look in the color pink.

when i think of economics, or politics, i think of you-
because i know how interested you are in those subjects.

when i stare at people for long enough-
their faces start to morph into yours.
and thats why i don’t like to go out anymore.
because everywhere i go,
i see you.
i see you in the scribbles in my journals,
and in the cracks on the sidewalks,
i see you when i press a button in an elevator,
and when I’m filling out a form to sign up for the sats?
don’t ask me why,
because i don’t know...
i just know that it happens.

i know that i know things about you that no one else does.
and you know things about me that no one else does.
you know things about me i wouldn’t want anyone else to know.
i trust you like that.
i think of you as a safe house,
a place where i know that things will be good
eventually.
at least-
i like to hope so.

why don’t you ever call me anymore?
you used to...
every night.
and we’d lay there and talk to each other on the phone
for hours.
sometimes,
we wouldn’t even talk;
it would just be radio silence,
but even just knowing that we had each other on the other end of the line was comforting .
it was a nice silence.

and when we did talk
it was about everything we could think of
school, our families, us,
whatever it was
you always knew how to keep me talking

but now i don’t even know what to say to you.
you’ve made it clear how much you don’t care anymore,
but all i want is a phone call.
so we can talk like we used to.
so we can not talk like we used to.

everything reminds me of you
so i am sad all the time

there are others.
others who whisper sweet nothings in my ear and sneak their hands onto my thighs.
others who try to break their way into my mind, enter my thoughts, search for any way to connect with me.
others who laugh at my jokes, a deep roar that implies simply that they think their laughter will make me let my guard down.
others who breathe life onto my neck, who kiss their way down to my passions and motives, who try to slip themselves into me looking for answers
sometimes, i play along, looking for a little excitement.

but it’s never the same.

because what the others don’t know, is that it’s always you on my mind.
you are always in the back of my head, reminding me that nothing anyone else could do would ever compare to you.

i have experienced writer’s block before,
but not like this...
not when i’ve forgotten the meaning of every word that comes to mind,
every word except one: you

you are by far the worst thing that has happened to my poetry
because, before, i could write about my sadness,
about how the world was closing in on me,
but you stood in the way of that
almost as if you were saying 'no, darling, let me show you something new.'
so you showed me the world in a new light,
and suddenly it felt so big i did not know how to deal with it;
could not find the words to describe what i was feeling,
could not find the words.

in the weeks that we have been together,
my sadness became dormant.
sometimes,
sometimes it still erupts out of me;
the hot lava of my tears washing away any hope i had had left.
but even in those moments
you have been there,
there for the repercussion,
for the mending,
there for me.

Now all i can write about is you, you are the only thing that makes sense in my lines,
like, you belong there, you were made to be my inspiration.
around you, my verses and phrases dance, tangle themselves in your eyelashes,
curl themselves around your legs
a beautiful revelation of purpose.
until it doesn’t make sense anymore
and then i am stuck again
stuck in the spaces between the words that adore you so
but to them, i am a prisoner, forbidden from venturing out into the world of rhyme schemes and verses

this is what has been happening to me since you’ve left

and let me tell you,
the day you left i was
preparing myself for a novel
filled with wit and conversation
and joy
but now i can hardly find a single line
that doesn’t call out your name

*how could i ever forget about the way you hurt me
if you are all my writing remembers?

She is a spring day;
When she is sad, the sky cries with her,
but seconds after, the clouds open up and a rainbow shines through
each color representing a different tone of her laughter.

she does not realize that her presence is as powerful and illuminating as the sun itself,
she* is like the sun itself.
It is a shame she does not understand how beautiful she is.

Her words are butterflies lingering in the air,
Her actions as clear as rushing rivers.

She is a spring day;
when she is sad, the sky cries with her,
but seconds after, the clouds open up and the birds chirp a melody that lets her know:
**she will be okay.

I am melting into a dream of tangerines;
Falling, passing the branches of citrus blossoms that once were.

I land on a rigid peel,
the brightest orange in the colored pencil set.
There are indents in the skin,
depressions, each belonging to a different story,
this tangerine has been through a lot.
From a young bud,
to a ripe fruit,
it has grown.

Do not make the mistake of calling it an orange, or a clementine,
it is not.
It is a tangerine.
Peeling it almost sounds like a symphony.
Inch by inch, the orchestral rhythm plays off,
until you are slicing it, accidentally rupturing its walls,
in that moment, it sounds like a little boy, who doesn’t quite understand why it’s encouraged to chew with your mouth closed.

A tangerine,
each segment of it looks like half a pair of healthy lungs,
pure, and fresh.
It is a surprise when you bite into it.
Realize, the prettiest things are not always the sweetest,
they can be a little tangy, a little sour.
The taste bouncing off the inside of your mouth like it is a trampoline.
Realize, it is a tangerine;
**from a young bud,
to a ripe fruit,
it has grown.

you could shoot a bullet through my head and I still wouldn’t be able to forget about you.
What we had was a special kind of love;
one that made me feel electric.
I have not been able to feel that way since the day you left.

So go ahead, shoot me
I won’t be able to forget you;
but at least *the warmth of my blood will remind me of what it felt like to be in your arms again.

Don’t fall for me,
simply because
I will turn your kisses into similes
kissing you is like watching a sunset; slow, and beautiful.

Don’t tell me you love me,
simply because
your words will form metaphors in my mouth
you are a thunderstorm my heart is not ready for.

Don’t fall for me,
simply because
I am selfish,
every breath you take, every word you speak
I will find a way to turn that into a composition of letters and sounds
for my own purpose.

Don’t try to be with me,
simply because
I will try to trap you with my words
every space in my broken sentences will be filled with thoughts of you.

Stay with me,
I’ll turn your existence into a poem
stay with me,
I’ll engrave your name into my verses
stay with me,
stay with me,
stay with me,

so I don’t have to turn my heartache into a poem of sorrow once again.

I have not felt at ease with the world in a while,
but that has changed,
simply because
you are my world now
everything I do,
I do for you.

So this is a warning;
don’t fall for me,
simply because
I am a thief who is good with words,
*I will steal your love
and turn it into stories of malignancy and almosts.

be happy,
be sad,
be excited
just be

learn to love yourself and learn to love the people and things around you
there is so much to live for, i promise you
live for the sleepless nights, live for the long conversations with someone you love

learn to see the beauty in things
not everything is as hopeless as it seems
heartbreak is beautiful, you are beautiful

learn to open yourself up more
people really do want to see that side of you
don’t be ashamed of what you have to offer, or what you don’t

be able to love
be able to hurt
be able to know the difference between something good and something great
you deserve the best

so don’t be afraid to just… *be

I never know what to say when people ask me what I fear the most. Because yes, spiders are gross and weird and yes, ghosts terrify me, but how could I explain that at night instead of nightmares filled with monsters, mine are just of someone walking away? how can I say that I stay awake going over everything wrong I’ve ever done? how can I tell them that my biggest fear is me not being good enough? All my life i’ve worried too much about what people think about me, and lately i’ve gotten better at not thinking about it so much, but there is someone in my life right now that I really don’t want to lose, and I’m scared. I’m scared because I know I mess up a lot, I know that I get repetitive and boring and I ramble when I’m nervous. So how am I supposed to say that I know my constant asking for reassurance that they want me in their life gets tiresome, but it's because its hard for me to imagine that someone actually would? How do I explain that I have never loved myself enough, so the thought of anyone else loving me seems so strange? I am bad at expressing myself, I either show too much emotion or too little, and I'm scared that that's a good enough reason for someone to walk away.

It’s a dark, lonely night, and I am sitting on my bedroom floor
a bottle of stolen ***** on one side,
and the ghost of you on the other

I take another swig
and realize that maybe I spend so much time kissing the mouths of bottles now
because I know I can’t kiss yours anymore
maybe I like the way the liquid makes my insides burn
because it reminds me of how I felt whenever you touched me

I’ve been counting the days since you’ve left
and I’ve realized that maybe thats why I’ve been drinking so much
because every time I do it feels like for just a moment I can forget about you
I can forget about the way we promised each other the world
but could barely gather enough tinder to keep ourselves warm

you knew my past,
loved my present,
and i hoped you would be my future
but you erased yourself out of my life
before i even had the chance to engrave you into my soul

you were never home to me
but my longing for that was so intense, it almost felt like you were
and then all at once i realized; you're my hiraeth
to be with you, inside our own four walls, was all i desired
but our house was destined to burn down

our love is a set of stars that make up a constellation
too complicated for even the most experienced astrologists to decipher
but you will continue to be my hiraeth
because the comfort i feel when im in your arms is incomparable
and although you cant be, you will always feel like home to me

i yearned for our love to be forever
but it was meant to desist
and then all at once i realized; it's our ephemeral
lamentably, it can't be our forever
for it was made of stars, and all stars have to die out eventually

but let's let it be ephemeral
because although the stars will dwindle away soon,
while they are still burning bright, they are beautiful,
and so are we

love was a hurricane, mindlessly engulfing me within its core
it came out of nowhere, and i still can’t decide whether it lasted too long, or too short
love felt like a storm i wasn’t ready to endure
i had built a shelter for my heart, but forgot to secure it within

as a result i was left alone in the strong winds of heart ache

love wasn’t always like this, though

at one point, it was kind
it had held me in its arms and convinced me that in the midst of my tangled locks and graying bags i was the sweetest thing it had laid its eyes on
it wrapped me in warm blankets and whispered sweet nothings until my breathing turned steady and my dreams carried me away somewhere love would eventually meet me again

its true, love left me
but i know it will come back
not now,
but maybe in a few days..months...years
it will be back
next time with a brighter smile, and good intentions

and i can’t wait for that.
because i know the second time around, love will be pure
and raw
love will show me a side of itself I’ve never experienced before

its true, love hurt me
but I’ve learned to forgive it
because love comes in many shapes and sizes
and just because one didn’t suit me doesn’t mean i can’t try for a new fit