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Mar 2020
when you’ve been in captivity so long,
you forget what outside looks like.
you start to make yourself comfortable in your cage;
it starts to feel like home.

when the door becomes unlocked and you have the chance to leave...
you hesitate.
outside is scary,
it is not a place you are used to.
it is not a place you can call home.

sadness is like that cage, and i, its prisoner;
the lock is broken and i can leave anytime i want,
so why do i still linger here?

i am not comfortable being happy.
it used to be something i craved, something i longed for everyday...
to finally feel the sun on my skin and have it mean something.

but i am at home here.
here in the darkness,
in the cage i have grown to love.
a cage that is mine and mine only

for so long i thought i just wanted to be happy.
i glorified it, the contentment.
i thought once i achieved it everything would be okay,
i never expected myself to want to run away from okay.

but here i am.
i do feel happier than i have in a very long time,
but i feel uneasy,
i feel insecure,
i feel unstable.

joy is like an undiscovered country for me and i am experiencing culture shock.
i feel like a fraud,
an outsider trying to blend in...
but i don’t know the mannerisms,
i don’t know the language,
i don’t know how to exist in this world.

i look forward to the day that i am truly at ease.
when my feelings exist in harmony, instead of against one another.
when i can build a new life in my bliss,
and have a new place to call home.
this is kind of not good but its okay
(03. 28. 2020)
Written by
riwa  18/F/Saudi Arabia
(18/F/Saudi Arabia)   
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