when you’ve been in captivity so long,
you forget what outside looks like.
you start to make yourself comfortable in your cage;
it starts to feel like home.
when the door becomes unlocked and you have the chance to leave...
outside is scary,
it is not a place you are used to.
it is not a place you can call home.
sadness is like that cage, and i, its prisoner;
the lock is broken and i can leave anytime i want,
so why do i still linger here?
i am not comfortable being happy.
it used to be something i craved, something i longed for everyday...
to finally feel the sun on my skin and have it mean something.
but i am at home here.
here in the darkness,
in the cage i have grown to love.
a cage that is mine and mine only
for so long i thought i just wanted to be happy.
i glorified it, the contentment.
i thought once i achieved it everything would be okay,
i never expected myself to want to run away from okay.
but here i am.
i do feel happier than i have in a very long time,
but i feel uneasy,
i feel insecure,
i feel unstable.
joy is like an undiscovered country for me and i am experiencing culture shock.
i feel like a fraud,
an outsider trying to blend in...
but i don’t know the mannerisms,
i don’t know the language,
i don’t know how to exist in this world.
i look forward to the day that i am truly at ease.
when my feelings exist in harmony, instead of against one another.
when i can build a new life in my bliss,
and have a new place to call home.
this is kind of not good but its okay
(03. 28. 2020)