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Nena Twedell Oct 2015
Little girls paint pictures of themselves in sparkly pink dresses
hidden away in towers
They paint pictures of their knight in shining armor riding into save them.
Little girls dream of fairy tales
Always being reminded that they are the victim
Being reminded that the are never strong enough to be the hero to save themselves
Disney reminding them that little girls in sparkly dresses are never strong enough to save themselves
And that someone else must save them
But I was never like the other little girls
Dawning my armor day after day
refusing to lock my self away
Though this armor gets heavy from time to time
I remember what it was like before I found this new armor
Left vulnerable and lost in the elements
But this armor is molded to my body
Reminding me of the strength that my body holds
Proving to the world one day at a time
That even a princess can be a hero
Sep 2015 · 594
Nena Twedell Sep 2015
You sit watching my every move
Silently judging each breath I take as you sit in the back of my mind
where you have made yourself at home
Your eyes boring holds into my world
Your deep sighs creeping into the most intimate moments of my life
Just waiting for you moment to interject with the voice that haunts me
Leaving all the pieces behind for me to clean up
as if this is what I asked for this
as if you had planned this path that you put me on
White knuckles
And silent streams of tears
Trying to silence the words you say on repeat
Replaying each moment
That I want to forget so deeply
Yet each moment finds a moment to replay
Reminding me of what you caused
Reminding me of the pieces left behind
Reminding me of each word seared into my memory that I will never be able to speak
Pages in my story stuck together with the tears  I have cried
I don't want you to win
But I don't know how to put the pieces back together.
Aug 2015 · 995
You wore a cape
Nena Twedell Aug 2015
We stand at the edge of the parking lot
my child like hands wrapped tightly around your first ******* with your thumb resting on my hand
Like a promise that couldn't ever be broken
A promise that you would always wear a cape
So you could rescue me from all of my demons
But step by step
Your cape became tattered
your grip began to loosen
I keep trying to hold on tighter reaching for your other *******
that have never seemed so far away
until now
The promises you once held in the palm of you hands
freely  handing them out as if they were breathe mints
begin to lose power
The mint begins to fade just like the gum from a quarter machine looses its flavor just moments after touching your tongue
but I try to hold on to each one
hoping that someday the flavor will comeback
hoping that the thread in your cape will be sewn back together with miracles from angels above
I hang on tighter
Calling each night
just to remind you of how much I adore you
using all of the chewed up gum ***** to hold on to your fingers together
Repeating all of the promises in my mind
Screaming "Some day"
But your hair has begun to turn grey
and wrinkles have begun to crawl across your face
your hands begin to become fragile
but I refuse to let go
Empty promises stack on the shelf
like ***** dishes in the sink
as if reminders of what it used be like at the edge of the parking lot
When I held your first *******
your thumb resting on my hand
and you wore a cape
Aug 2015 · 859
Nena Twedell Aug 2015
Hi this is Nena's phone,  I can't come to the phone right now
I'm on a journey
I don't really know I am anymore
you can leave a message but chances are I probably won't return it any time soon
if its an emergency hang up now and call 9-1-1! I can't help you!
Don't try to find me because I'm on a journey
somewhere between the past and the future
I don't really know when I will be back
but if you are in this for the long haul
please leave a message at the tone
Jul 2015 · 547
Your Eyes
Nena Twedell Jul 2015
I look into your eyes and the person I see is not the one I remember
your eyes tell a story
They show the hope that you hold on to in a time of darkness
Yet your eyes are vacant
as vacant as the lot down the street
I watch you go about your day as if a shell of the woman I used to know
Your voice has changed
Once slow to anger and quick to giggle
now the tables have turned
as curse words roll off your tongue as if they were the names of your children.  
What was once sincere laughter and joy
is now silent grimaced and tears
The woman that once was flourishing with life who taught me everything about sugar and spice has since disappeared
This new woman is the shell of a woman I used to know
full of anger and sadness
I look in your eyes and I miss you
May 2015 · 1.4k
Frayed Threads
Nena Twedell May 2015
We held hands in the dark
When we couldn’t find another hand to hold
We sewed them together so if we ever got lost we would know that we’d never be alone
Watched the stars and the moon play peek a boo with the clouds
And we danced in the rain
Because we knew that together we were safe from the world
Each taking turns shielding each others hearts from the pain of the outside
Building walls of protection piece by piece
Promising each other the sun will rise soon
Just be patient
Because night can only last for so many days
But the stitches in our hands grew lose
And roots of bitterness grew in our hearts
And nothing seemed to be perfect anymore
As we tried to fix all the stitches at the top
The bottom ones began to fall
Threads began to fray
Leaving festering feelings of anger and hurt
We tried to ignore it all
Tried to keep it all together
But the bitterness and anger grew
Suffocating slowly
If we both died would it be joint suicide
Would it be a love story that would resemble Romeo and Juliet
Or would it be a homicide
Because we found the scabs that hurt the most
And pushed until we couldn’t go anymore
We held each other
While squeezing the others vulnerable heart
Until pieces slowly began to crack
As if we were boa constrictors squeezing their prey for the next meal
Yet never actually killing the prey
But letting it suffer breathe by breathe
Yet never letting it enjoy its last few moments of life
Broken promise and broken hearts
Pain written in the clouds above
The inevitable written in the stars
It’s time to rip the last of these stitches out as if they were band aids
Let these wounds have a chance to finally heal
It’s time to let the sun rise and to see what around the next bend in the road
Because our hearts won’t heal behind these walls
And our silent murders are getting out of hand
Wash the blood off your hands and say our good byes
Because this will be the last sip of poison that I will take
Nena Twedell Mar 2015
Rolling hills and picket fences
Baby I’m coming home to hold you in my arms
I know it’s been far too long
Baby I hear your prayers at night
Don’t you worry
I will be home soon
Rolling hills and picket fences
The sun is setting
  but baby please don’t cry
I will be home to wipe away your tears and to silence all of your fears
Baby just trust me one more time
Can you hear me yet?
Rolling hills and picket fences
I know it hasn’t been so easy
Us being so far apart
But listen closely the window
Because I will home to hold you tonight
Just keep holding on for me babe
Rolling hills and picket fences
I’m coming home
Rolling hills and picket fences
I’m coming home
Feb 2015 · 933
I've got a dream
Nena Twedell Feb 2015
We said good bye for better opportunities of the future
An now your there with your little arm candy by your side
As smart as the button on the shirt you’re wearing

Looking around at the world you built yourself
You've done good
But I can do better
Because I've got a dream
And I'm still in the driver seat of my life
So let's race and see who will get to the top first
Winner gets to have the last word

Last words to be spoken like a champ,
Go ahead and talk your ****
Because I don't have the time for this dramatic review of what your life is
All you should see when you look at me is what your life could have been
So I hope your remember what we had
What we should have had.

Because my life has been a winding and bumpy road
But that mountain is just getting smaller in the distance and less intimidating.
You said you would have my back
But dear you've failed at your own game so I hope someone has given you a dose of your own medicine

I ain't getting twitter pated in your presence
It’s only driving me harder to be better than you
I'll be the bigger person and ignore your **** talking face that I used to love
I'll ignore the fact that you’re trying to bring me back to your level

Too bad I've lived a lot more since you've been gone
I've gone dancing in the rain
And screamed at the top of mountains
And aimed for the stars

I will conquer this evil face in my past standing in front of me
Go ahead and watch me walk away from you
I know you’re trying to get back at me
I know you’re trying to get me to dumb down my world for you
Just so you can understand what is on my mind
***** for you though
Because I've found a whole new world
Of power that I've never had before
And a peace that I've only dreamed about
I can only hope you find it someday
Feb 2015 · 702
Your Words
Nena Twedell Feb 2015
I sit quietly holding my tongue
Letting your words hit my chest like daggers
Letting them hit me with such force I have to remind myself to breathe
But I don't make you stop
I only let you continue
Never letting words of anger make there way out of my throat
Filtering my words as if they were from a contaiminated stream
Your presence daunts my inner most being
yet I have fallen under your spell of cynicism
I sit quietly holding my tongue
Letting your pessimism pass through me as if I were only air
But I don't put up my walls
Because you have already seen inside of them
I smile and pretend that it doesn't bother me
That your words are not of importance as if they are water under the bridge
Yet they hit me like daggers leaving dents in my armor
but I don't stop you
I just sit quietly and hold my tongue
Feb 2015 · 1.1k
Nena Twedell Feb 2015
I come to silence my mind
But silence doesn't always come easy
with my mind racing it is hard to slow things down
With deadlines and tests of knowledge fast approaching
I come to silence my mind
to seek peace from the roaring world outside
Your presence is my refuge from the chaos
your touch is my comfort
reminding me that it doesn't always have to be this way
I come to silence my mind
To seek serenity in this world
But my mind doesn't always slow down
With decisions coming and relationships going a rye
But I seek you presence as my refuge from the stress
I seek your touch as my peace
As I continue to seek this silence.
Feb 2015 · 507
Cam's Poem
Nena Twedell Feb 2015
We walked a path together only briefly
But we somehow found a way to meet again
Each time I saw you though
The light in your eyes began to dim
Little by little
Each time the pain that was hidden deep within your heart began to show more and more
I didn’t want to say anything
Didn’t want you to feel like I was playing mother hen in another fairy tale
But the dimmer your light gets
The more my heart breaks
I cry out to the powers that be
Why do the good die young?
Why must they struggle so much through this life?
I plead with the universe
To show you that you too can be a warrior
To show you that the hero always has adversity
I want to hold you long into the night
Protect you from the demons that live in the dark corners of your mind
I want to build walls around your heart
To give you time to mend the brokenness
I want to wipe the tears away from your eyes as you struggle through this war
But I know that you are strong
And that you will not grow if you cannot pick up your own sword for this battle
That you will not become your own hero if you cannot fight on your own
So I will hold my tongue and offer up my sword
And be the whisper of encouragement as you fight your battle
I will offer a refuge from the battlefield of this world
As we both fight our own battles
This battle though hard fought cannot be done alone
And I will be by your side as you fight for your life
to remind you that you are the hero to this story
Feb 2015 · 1.5k
Fading Away
Nena Twedell Feb 2015
I sit next to you in class everyday
We generally have good conversation
But lately I've been worried about other things
Wondering if you can hear
the growl of a large K-9 coming from my gut
Wondering if you can see my curves disappearing
slowly at first but then all at once
I sit next to you in class every day
wondering if you notice me slowly fading away
I sit with you at dinner
We generally enjoy a meal together
But lately the food on my plate has been getting less and less
As it if were slowly disappearing
And I wonder if you notice the change
I wonder if you see the curves of my body disappearing
Slowly at first then all at once
I sit with you at dinner
Wondering if you see me fading every so slowly
I hug you tightly everyday
And you hug me tightly back
I wonder if you notice the softness disappearing from my body
I wonder if you notice that my squeeze is growing weaker
I wonder who will ask the questions first
As I slowly fade away
I wonder will they ask them before it's too late?
As I slowly fade away in silence
Feb 2015 · 546
Blurred lines
Nena Twedell Feb 2015
The world wants us to see it all in black and white
Ignoring all the evidence that might blur it all together
leaving so many with in grey areas
Wondering where they belong
Neither space fits them because the world holds a tight grasp of what is acceptable in society
Trying to squelch the free thinkers of this world
Attempting to silence the drummers of a different beat
Lets blur these lines together
lets knock down these walls that this world has built
because we all deserve a place to call our own
Lest show this world the colors of the rainbow
because the beauty of this world has more to offer than just black and white.
Nena Twedell Feb 2015
Look me in the eyes
Look deep into my soul
because underneath the new plaster where all the cracks used to be
that where your fingerprints lie
Tell me what is keeping us together
because when walk in the door
the butterflies of excitement turn into pterodactyls of anger
Because your unwillingness to pull your soul out into the light
So that we can re-plaster the walls
And harness the power of what you hold within
It's lonely on this side of the fence
Look me in the eyes
Look deep into my soul
Do you see all the work I've put in
The clutter is gone now
The power is in my hands now
you can do it to if you just try
we can harness your pterodactyls too
Jan 2015 · 4.0k
This one is for the Girls
Nena Twedell Jan 2015
This one is for the girls
For the girls who wake up at the crack of dawn
To stare down the standards of beauty built by a society
Who says that your bones are more beautiful than your curves
That your ****** has more value than your words
This one is for the girls who go through their day
Expected to only to smile
Only to say happy words
Even if their world inside is crashing around them.
This one is for the girls
Who endure the side glances,
Because they don't fit into the cookie cutter
that has been so strategically built
By the media
To break down the strong mind of girls and to leave in them in a heap on the side of the road
So that the only time they feel beautiful
Is when they hear catcalls of the passers byers
Leaving them starving
Starving their body
starving their mind
Little by little killing the spirit that was once so strong inside them
And yet all concerns seem to be silenced
This one is for the girls who
Cut open the cookie cutter that has been created
To cut the independent woman down to size
Who carve out a door way in this cookie cutter
As a light to shine at the end of the tunnel
This one is for the girls
Who never lose hope
For the girls who refuse to allow their ****** to hold their entire self worth
This is for the girls who
Refuse to allow the mass media to tell them that they are not beautiful
For the girls who have become the shining star
For the girls who are still discovering their own strength as their wound heal
This is for the girls searching for hope in a dark place
Hoping to find stars in the sky that are close enough they can touch
This one is for the girls
Keep on going
Don't lose yourself in this world
Hold your head up high

And show them the strength of a woman.
Thank you for all of your encouraging worss.
This poem was inspired after I shaved my head and have been getting reactions since.
so thank you.stay strong all you beautiful women out there.
Jan 2015 · 1.1k
Nena Twedell Jan 2015
I sit in silence
Reading the words printed in this book
Reading the words printed on the pages that are suppose to direct my life
I speak politely to you when time is sufficient
I sit in silence
Waiting for an answer
for a sign that you heard what I was saying
For a sign to show me that what I'm reading in this dusty old book
is real
No reply
As my insides begin to boil with frustration
No longer reading your words
letting out the anger I hold inside of me
I yell and scream at you
All around me
Since you are so omnipotent
Maybe you can hear me now
Maybe you didn't hear me because I was being so polite
When the anger of my voice reaches you
Won't you just show me the wrath that you have ever so described
on these dusty pages
Throw the book across the room
With anger searing through my veins
You said you loved me
You said you loved everyone
So where are you?
you said you would guide all who loved you
So why haven't I heard from you
it's worse than never getting a reply to a text message
Yet your omnipotent
Your inside my head
So why don't you make your presence known
I've studied the words you left in this book
I've sung the songs that you have inspired
Yet I sit in silence
Waiting for the answer.
Written September 24th 2014
Jan 2015 · 523
Will I
Nena Twedell Jan 2015
I'm doing only enough to get by
day by day
I force myself to get out of bed each morning
because of the pain of knowing that I will never be able to wrap my arm around you in a hug
And I will never be able to her your giggle as we exchange admiration  over boys  that we will never have the chance to hold
Each of us searching for our own sense of belonging but somehow
knowing that we belonged together
like peanut butter and jelly
like mashed potatoes and gravy
like you and I
an inexplicable bond we had
people look at us in as we giggle in confusion
but we only stop to catch our breathe
We had the type of friendship that
distance never mattered
time never matter
The bond only grew stronger
Laughter only grew louder
our memories only grew greater
our dreams grew grander
As we fed each other every ounce of strength we could muster when times were hard
We held each other close when the dams behind our eyes flooded over and we couldn't stop them
But now what am I supposed to do
When my mind is on an hamster wheel
Spinning spinning spinning
So fast that I don't know if I can stop it
When the dams that I've built up behind my eyes begin to overflow
When I am suffocating and have forgotten how to breathe
I wonder
Will I desperately call your number just to hear your voice mail again
Will I scroll through all your old photographs to remind myself
that you can't answer my messages anymore
Will I yell at you for leaving me so prematurely that I didn't have time to prepare my last good bye for you.
Jan 2015 · 392
Nena Twedell Jan 2015
Why does everyone around me keep dying?
They say that your loved ones gone on to a better place
That they are no longer suffering
But as my heart continues to ache
I can't help but to wonder about those who
carressed their loved ones heart
or the ones who created this being out of pure love and joy
taking the time to teach them and love them with everything they had
as the sun sets on another day
with angels that have walked this earth
and angels that have brought light to this world
begin to fade
The lost of a child holds so much pain that it is compared to being stabbed in the heart
The loss of a friend is felt as if a boulder was dropped into a calm body of water
The ripple effect spreading further and further out
And you begin to wonder if they really saw how much they meant to this world
Would they still have died?
So many theories of where they all go after they go
No one really knows though
But they are certain that it is better than here with all of their loved ones
But my aching heart wonders
Why did you have to go so soon?
We'll meet again soon my sweet sweet Ashlee.
Jan 2015 · 326
Nena Twedell Jan 2015
Let my words dance into your mind
let them paint a picture of pain yet beauty
let my words help mend your broken heart as you travel through time
let my words remind you of the love that this life offers to you
let them dance
let them bring you peace when you feel as if you can't breathe any longer
let the words dance from my vocal chords be an inspiration and motivation as you
hear them
feel them
write them on your heart for a rainy day
because my friend we all need to hear that we are loved
So don't ever let the rain, rain on your parade
Don't let that boy steal your spirit when he walks away
don't let the silence over power your song and you move through this world
don't let this world take away that beat
because with out it you just might lose yourself
so my friend
let my words be printed on your heart fro a rainy day
because we all need to remember we are loved.
Jan 2015 · 1.1k
Nena Twedell Jan 2015
I've been on this path for a while now
Sometimes straying away from the straight and narrow
but in time always finding my way back
Waking up in the mornings thanking the powers that be
that I'm still breathing this air around me
Taking all this wisdom that I have found for granted
And all in one breathe it is shaking
The earth beneath me begins to shake
as my knees begin to quake
And in that moment
Every mistake
Every moment of question
Every right decision
Flashes before your eyes
Like the shortest sweetest documentary you've ever watched
you realize that this is where the path splits
Veer to the left and you head back down the trail
Veer to the right you head up the rest of this mountain
Make the decision wisely
This is kind of a continuation of Mount Recovery but not quite. But centered around a lot of the same topics.
Jan 2015 · 8.6k
My Pearl
Nena Twedell Jan 2015
one grain of sand
inside one clam
The clam spends time with this grain of sand
it is nurtured
it is protected
it is valued
it is loved
it is seen as an important part of the clams life
it then becomes a pearl

Why are you so clammed up?
I'm clammed up because I am making a pearl
I am making myself my own pearl
creating my own beauty
Shining my imperfections as if they were weaknesses
I am loving myself
And protecting myself from the toxic environment the world around me can be
I am learning the value of myself
Nurturing myself
The pearl is my own sense of self.
That is my pearl
Dec 2014 · 608
The storm
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
Like an old boarded up house
Preparing for the storm ahead
All weak spots braced
for any rain fall
All fragile pieces hidden away for safe keeping
in case of any earthquakes
lights shut off leaving total darkness
in case of a power surge
This is how you prepare
Holding everything you hold dear close
Fire extinguisher within reach
radio on the emergency channel so you can hear every breaking detail
Constantly praying you didn't forget anything
bracing yourself for the worst
holding up in your comfort zone
Feeling safe here with no fears
No one gets in
No one goes out
Like the story of ***** Wonka and the Chocolate factory
But even in that story ***** had to let someone in
Slowly un-board your windows
The sun is warm
turn down your radio listen to the birds chirping
Turn the lights on the light is safe
open your eyes to the beauty this world holds
Don't live in fear anymore
This world isn't like your world but it's safe too
Let them see your world
They've been patiently knocking for ages now knowing you were too afraid
It's going to be ok
Don't give up hope
Face your fears
Hold your chin up high as you smile towards your newly discovered sun
The storm has passed
Dec 2014 · 575
My Fairy Tale
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
I want you to need me like you need an ice cold drink on a hot summer's day
I want you to want me like you do at the first whiff of bacon on a Sunday wafting through the house
Though we haven't met yet

I hope you look at me and lose your breathe but never question it
I hope when silence falls on our conversations that you just wrap me up in your arms
Not because I can't handle the silence but to remind me that it's ok

And I hope that when you notice the scars across my skin
that you will still caress my body and remind me that my scars do not make me who I am but are proof of how strong I am

And I hope that when I stand in the mirror examining the outfit choice that I can't seem to make clearly That you pull me away from the mirror  
away from the societal norms of beauty and ask me to flip a coin because in that moment I will remember who I am and what I want to wear.

I know it's a lot to ask of a man I've yet to meet
but don't worry I've got a lot to offer too.

I will hold your hand at all the parties your friends invite you to
I will hold you when you feel as if your world is collapsing around you I will remind you to breathe when your lungs are so full of sorrow and pain that they have forgotten to work for you
And when you can breathe again I will remind you of the beauty of this world
And of the joys of smiling and laughter
I can cook you dinner after a long day at work to remind you that you are important to someone in this world.
I know that it's a lot to offer someone I haven't met yet
but when we find each other
our real life fairy tale will begin
Dec 2014 · 574
I miss you
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
I turn my phone on knowing that there isn't a message
But I can't help but to do it anyways
because I miss the feeling I got when you texted me
I miss waking up to your words of encouragement
I miss staying up late just to hear from you
I miss the smile you painted across my face with out even trying
I look through our memories
Crying at what we lost
I want to find it again someday
Bu I know right now your toxic
We tried so hard to hold each other together
but the sun went down
And our peices have fallen apart
I miss your comforting touch
and your soothing words
I miss the texts "good night"
I miss the texts "good morning have a great day"
I miss waking up to you
Maybe this is just growing pains
maybe this is goodbye
But please don't let this be the end
Because I miss texting late into the night
I miss the way I felt talking to you
I miss you
I miss us
We didn't have much but it was ours.
Dec 2014 · 696
High Tide
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
There's a heaviness in my chest
I've been trying to get out
but if feels like there's an ocean inside my chest
And once I get it out
It's only low tide and high tide is coming
And I'm trying to empty the ocean out with a drinking glass
the power the ocean holds holding me down
When low tide comes I try to prepare and get a breathe of fresh air
Because I don't know how long high tide will last or how strong it will hold me
Fighting the tide off is like trying to hold the sun up when it's the moon's turn to rise
but with each time its getting harder to come up
it's getting exhausting to do over and over
its getting harder to catch my breathe each time
coming faster and harder each time
Dec 2014 · 264
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
It's easier to take value than to give it back....
Dec 2014 · 621
Red lines and Red Vines
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
Searching for the name of this pain
Maybe find the knife that is jutting out of my chest
Because when no one is looking
I know that red lines will spread across my skin like red vines spread across the table
And while the lines are healing
The black hole is screaming inside
but its  constricting the lungs' oxygen supply
like the boa constrictor squeezing the life out of it's meal
The prey slowly losing the light in its eyes as it is consumed so quickly
The heaviness in my gut is sickening
As as I sit at the dinner table full of delicacies
I try to remember the joy they come with
The sweetness of this cherry pie
The savoriness of the poultry being passed around
Taking just enough not to be questioned
because if they felt how I felt inside
if they felt the knife in my chest when they hugged me
if they saw the light in my eyes dimming
if they felt the heaviness in my stomach
And when they ask me how I'm doing
I hope they don't notice my knees quaking and voice quavering
I hope they don't notice the fear that is sticking out of my pocket as I try to find answers

They look at my scars and ask me why
But unable to give them answers
I just let the tears flow
The begin to notice the cherry pie still on my plate
the lack of movement of my fork
I just shake my head
Because how are you supposed to explain the knife in your chest that doesn't have a name
How do you explain the red lines that spread across your skin
And the red vines that have become stale that are spread across your table
When you don't even have a name for the pain you feel inside
when you don't even know where the knife came from
When at the end of the day all you can see is these red lines and red vines
And all you feel is the pain inside
Dec 2014 · 503
Don't let go
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
Your smile lights up the room every time
But lately it's gone missing
Like the sun hiding behind the clouds on a spring day
Everyone begins searching for it again
I see the light switch in your eyes has been switched off
I'm trying to reach it for you
Trying to help you find your smile
But I just can't reach the switch yet
Please don't give up on yourself
We'll flip that switch together
I'll hold your hand through this darkness and wipe away the tears that streak down your face
Because warrior doesn't mean superhero
We'll bring that sun out again
just one day at a time
I'll help you find the light again
just hold my hand
We'll take this storm on together
one day at a time
Just don't let go!
Dec 2014 · 519
Face On
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
Like a small child sitting in the corner
Searching for their lost toy
Trying to understand why they're all alone
tears streaming down my face
Wondering where they all went
they had promises and hope to give
Yet while I sit in this corner
searching for the words my voice cannot say itself
The other corner is empty
This never-ending darkness is holding me hostage
Trying to remember how I go here
Struggling to remember what the light is like
Just searching for the comfort of a mother
the understanding of a friend
the protection of a father
tears wiped away
Running from the struggle sounds tempting
but I'm ready to take it face on
Ready Set Go
Special Thanks to a friend who helped me write this one whether they know how much they helped me write it or not.
Dec 2014 · 220
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
I'm trying to remember the exact moment
When playing in the sand box was too childish
When playing dolls was for "little kids"
I'm trying to remember what exactly it felt like
to be a small child
Whose smile was full of mischief and opportunities

I'm trying to remember the exact moment when
boys became cute
And make up became the cool thing to wear
I'm trying to remember what exactly it felt like to
only have to worry about how to make him like me

I'm trying to remember the exact moment when
the only thing in this world that mattered was being happy
when being happy meant truly everything.

Life is full of twists and turns
ups and downs
I might be sick after this one

I've been trying to find solace in this moment and that moment
only to realize the only solace I can find is within
time within
is not seconds
is not minutes
it is not counted as time here
it is simply until it is right
until it is perfect
that is what time is with in
That is how one can find solace, peace
with in
It can not be found in these moments
nor in those days
only within.
Dec 2014 · 1.7k
Do you understand?
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
I just want to love you
I want to hold you so close that I can hear the organs inside work
I want to love you like the love of a puppy
so unconditional so excited
and nothing could break us apart
Do you understand?
I need you to see me
I need you to look my direction as though I am the rays of sunshine that cam out after the rain
Do you understand?
I want to dress your wounds like the doctor
sew your wounds shut and kiss the pain away
Do you understand?
I need you to see the imperfections I hold
I need you to hold my insecurities like the are gold
I need you to see the perfection we could be
Do you understand?
Because though I am scared
I want to love you
We could be one plus one
Never again alone
Do you see it?
Do you understand?
I just want to love you forever
Dec 2014 · 2.2k
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
Standing here with a smile painted on
But if you saw past the mask you'd never would have turned away
Hands shaking, swallowing hard
Fearm seems to have taken control over me
I thought I had taken control over my life from the drugs
But fear saw an opportunity and took it
Now I'm hiding from the darkness outside
looking over my shoulder at every noise
Hope no one notices the sweat dripping from my brow
I'm trying to let someone know
but fear's got me by the throat
My words are trying to climbe out of my throat before it closes
but time is running out
And I'm wondering if we'll have enough time for them to climb out
I keep hoping someone will see past the mask
Because in the contract I can't take it off
Otherwise I may turn black and blue
I'm checking around the corner and under my bed
Like I'm searching for the boogeyman
when the only thing I'm going to find is looking back at me in the mirror
But fear is pushing me to the corner
hands on my throat
threatening my life as if it were worth nothing yet everything
Dec 2014 · 1.5k
Just the beginning
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
This story is just beginning
don't mind the few blank pages along the way
That's when I though the plot had ended
Little did I know that was just a prequel
Character development
The first chapters I know the main character is hard to decipher
Just remember this is just the beginning
I'll hold a box of tissues for you when the plot seems to twist and turn
This is just the beginning of my story
When I thought this was the last page
I realized there's a whole another book with my name on the cover
This plot hasn't even climaxed yet
Please won't you stick around and see what happens next
Because this is character development
The prequel
To the story of my life
Realizing through all the fog just how much life you have left to live is an amazing feeling. Realizing that all this time wasn't a waste you were simply on the journey to finding yourself is comforting
**You are the author of your own story take the pen and start writing your story**
Dec 2014 · 655
I'm sorry
Nena Twedell Dec 2014
I'm sorry
The words seemed to be frozen on my screen
Once upon a time
Our hearts beat as one
Your smile used to be summer sunshine on a cloudy day
I'm sorry*
The words shows there's a crack
in the perfection we had
it had to be said
We used to hold each other on the coldest nights
Promising to be the north star in the darkest night
I'm sorry
I'm not what the cover of the book portrays
but the pages are printed
Please don't set this book down yet
If you stay maybe you'll see more of the pages
I'm sorry
Sprinting from your throat
honey to my ears
fiery tears running down my face
Surveying the damage
**It it enough though
Nov 2014 · 1.8k
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
Daddy daddy
Do not fret
I'm doing everything I can here
Daddy daddy
Don't worry about me
I'm doing everything you've taught me
Daddy daddy
Because if there's one thing you've taught me growing up
Keep going it gets easier
Daddy daddy
It's going to be ok
I am doing alright.
Nov 2014 · 2.8k
What are you thankful for?
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
Every year we sit around the table filled with tasty traditions
Every year we ask the same question
"What are you thankful for?"

I'm thankful for the searing pain that has coursed through my veins
like a fire that couldn't be stopped
because I'd never be this strong without it

I'm thankful for the hot tears that have run down my cheeks
like the warm spring streams running through parks
because I wouldn't know what grief was like with out it

I'm thankful for the people who caught me when I was falling so fast that I couldn't cry out for help
For the people who held me up when I couldn't stand on my own two feet for more than a mere few seconds
because without them I wouldn't know what true friendship was

I'm thankful for the people who made me laugh
Who made me forget there was ever pain
because without them I would have never seen the light in life

I'm thankful for the people who cared for me when I couldn't care for myself
Who through the years have held my hand when times were scary
Who wiped tears away when life hurt
And helped me through the growing pains of life
Because with out them I wouldn't know who I am today

I'm thankful for the opportunities
The opportunity to explore the world
The opportunity to find the most knowledge I can fit into my head
Without these I wouldn't know how blessed I truly am.

I am thankful for the happiness that I have in my life
the smiles and the sunshine that is found in everyday
without these I wouldn't know what was joy

I am thankful for the scars that are invisible and visible
the visible ones hold stories and power and remind me that I can conquer anything
the invisible ones hold logic yet understanding reminding me to proceed with caution
With out these I would not understand healing

I am thankful for the human kindness I have received
The hugs of healing
The words of encouragement and wisdom
The shoulder squeezes of reassurance
The shared strength and perseverance
Without these I would not know hope

I am thankful for the patience of others
The times others held me close when nothing was outwardly wrong
The times when I didn't live up to my word yet they still trusted me
With out this I wouldn't have faith in myself

So as you sit around your thanksgiving feast
And you ask each one what they are thankful for
remember it's not about the food
It's not about the pilgrims and the Native Americans
It's remembering to say thank you to all the people in your life that matter.

**So Thank you for being there
Nov 2014 · 589
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
My body aches
My mind weary
All I want is a rest
A break from a reality
that feels as though the world is laying on my shoulders
Where standards feel as tall as the empire state building
And I am reaching with all my might to get to the top
My weary mind
searching for peace
tired of racing
dodging and jumping around
Trying to make itself happy
is searching high and low for a reprieve
From this reality of struggles
The bottle on the shelf
It knows my name all too well
I've done well at ignoring it's calls before
But it seems to be inching closer to me
I can hear it's cries better than my own thoughts
Most days and nights
Like a mother's innate hearing for her child crying
I hear it in the night as I sleep
leaving me wide awake
although I have gone
months with out the taste of it on my lips
The cries still reach my ears
The taste is still on my tongue
My energy is low
And I don't know how much longer I can fight it
My mind is weary
and my body aches
Nov 2014 · 949
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
Broken and shattered
trying to pick up the peices
but everywhere I look a memory of you reminds me
that it's no longer us
No longer you and I
My heart is trying to beat as one
lost with out an echo
because we used to beat as one
beaten and battered
trying to heal the wounds left on my heart
you were always the best nurse to help heal my broken heart
I close my eyes for a moment
the beauty of what we used to have flashes before my heart
The words I want to say are caught in my throat trying to fight there way out to you
torn and tattered
I let you in
I let you see the inside of my heart
but you never remembered to close the door when you left
leaving a broken heart exposed to the world
Our hearts used to beat as one
But it's no longer us
No longer you and I
Lost with out an echo
Blind with out a spark
Broken and shattered
Nov 2014 · 1.0k
Leaving the pain behind
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
I'm dancing in the rain jumping in  puddles
Leaving all my pain behind
Breathing in the sunshine watching the clouds roll by
The seasons pass
The reasons pass too
Tears will dry
The smiles will come and go
Breathe in today breathe out today
Forgetting about tomorrow
I'm dancing in the rain jumping in puddles
Leaving all my pain behind
The sun will rise again tomorrow
Breathing in all of today breathing out all of yesterday
The wounds will heal
the pain will fade
That smile will grow brighter
Dancing in the rain jumping in puddles
Leaving the pain behind
Breathing in all of today
Breathing out all of yesterday
Nov 2014 · 227
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
When I cry out to you
Don't tell me to read a book
I've spent over half of my life being told to read this book read that book
Crying out to a book is like crying out to a wall
Those printed words don't wipe away tears
Just remember that.
Nov 2014 · 668
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
I am not here to fit into your box
To pretend that everything that I fit perfectly into the corners of your life
I am not her to fit into your cookie cutter
Although I am sweet
I am bitter like the taste of a lemon peel
I refuse to let everything that doesn't fit into your box go
Because its not what you wanted
I am not here to fit into your box
Nor am I here to fit into your cookie cutter
I can only fit into the body that I was given
As a gift from the powers that be
I can only hold you close with the hands that I have been given
forgiving them when they don't work in the exact manner that I want them to.
I can only listen to your heart beat with the ears that I have
Although they don't always work they are mine
My hips are a little wider
My shoulders a little weaker
But remember I am not here to fit into your box
I am here to help you break out of yours.
Nov 2014 · 708
What do you see?
Nena Twedell Nov 2014
When you look at me can you see what I'm thinking?
Can you see the moment of hesitation in my reply
When you look at me do you see the searing fear running through my veins
Do you notice the shake in my hands
When you look at me what do you really see?
Oct 2014 · 3.6k
Puzzle Pieces
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
We're two puzzle pieces trying to fit together perfectly
Secretly hoping that my curves and your angles fit together snugly
Except you can never put a square inside of the circle hole on the children's toys
And you can never put a circle in the square hole.
So you whisper sweet nothings in my ear hoping that your love will be reciprocated
Like a lost puppy looking for a home
Crying out for the love it needs to survive.
And I give what I can
but my love isn't quite what you were wanting
You try to drown your sorrows and pain
forgetting that your a puzzle piece
Leaving your edges torn and tattered
I hold you close trying to fix all the damage
But I'm no puzzle maker
You seemed to have forgotten
That we fit together perfectly
Because your head fits perfectly in the crook of my neck
And your arm fits perfectly around my shoulders
Even though the curve of your lips doesn't quite match up with mine
Don't think for a second that I won't hold you close while you try to mend a broken heart.
Oct 2014 · 847
Too scared
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
I watch you walk around the corner
I watch you run from your demons quietly screaming in silence
Too scared to grab a hold of the hands outstretched before you
Too scared to run further down the path
Scared of what may happen if you stay
As you lose strength silently fighting your demons
The silence is deafening
In Silence I watch as it slowly kills you
One day at a time
I try to hold you together
try to give you my strength
try to be the light of the day
As the silence grows louder
The light in your eyes begins to fade
Too scared to run
Too scared to grab hold of the outstretched hands before you
As you round the corner
As you walk away
I hold back tears
As I pray to the powers that be that you'll return safely
The silence grows louder
And the light in your eyes fades faster
too scared to run
too scared to stay
too scared to grab a hold of the hands outstretched before you.
Oct 2014 · 1.0k
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
Never intended to be headed down the road to hell
Never intended to bring anybody with me
This isn't how it was supposed to be
When I started this journey
I wasn't strong enough to look you in the eye
The demons suffocating me from the inside out
That was then
This is now
I'm not the same person I was then
Today I wake up and hold my head high
The smile still sometimes hides
but don't be mistaken
I am stronger than I was yesterday
Though I still hold fear inside
I stand tall and cast a shadow over it
To let it taste its own medicine
Don't let the frown on my face fool you
There's a strength inside of me that is stronger than any frown
I am stronger than I was yesterday
I am stronger than I was then
And today I will stand tall
Oct 2014 · 778
Sun will rise
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
Look at me
please see the light is still there in my eyes
I wasn't always like this
I've been working so hard to keep the light on inside
Please just look at me
Keep faith
be patient
I'm getting better
Day by day
Look at me
Please see the light is still there in my eyes
It wasn't always dark like this in my world
keep faith the sun will come up
Just as it set before
be patient I know it's hard to hear what I'm saying
but see the light that still burns inside of me
See the light inside of me that keeps me going
no matter how overwhelming it is.
Be patient
Have faith
Please don't give up.
It wasn't always like this
I know the sun will rise soon.
Oct 2014 · 583
How are you?
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
"How are you?"
"How have you been?"
Do they want the truth?
Do they want the honest answer
Do they want me to spout out that my life isn't just filled with peaches and cream right now?
Or do they want me to pretend that even though **** happens that it's all hunky dory in my world
Can they truly handle the truth
Can't they see that they are lucky that I'm out of bed and dressed before noon
Why can't they just pretend like they didn't just see me and walk away
It would make pretending a whole lot easier

*"How are you?"
"How have you been?"

Do you want the short answer?
Do you want the easy answer?
Or do you want the honest answer?
The short answer will put you on your merry little way and no other questions will be asked
The easy answer will give you little insight of what is really happening in my life but it's not like you care to know anyways.
The honest answer might be too much for you at this moment just remember you asked for it.
"How are you?"
"How have you been?"

The inside of my cheek bleeds as I hold back all the pain I want to share with you
You'll never see me the same way again if I tell you how I've really been
I'll give you the easy answer just so you can leave me alone.

"How are you?"
"How have you been?"

Take a seat and I'll tell you about how my own mind has tried to **** me
How it's a struggle to answer your questions everyday
I'll tell you how my own mind becomes its own hamster wheel that I can never escape

"How are you?"
"How have you been?"

Let me explain to you how my mind will rationalize and pretend that creating its own physical pain
Like it’s the only answer to all of my problems.
Let me explain to you how my mind will taste the air around me and obsess over the cravings it creates

"How are you?"
"How have you been?"

Do you want the short answer?  
Do you want the easy answer?
Do you want the honest answer?
Not sure I like the ending but not sure how to end it yet.
Oct 2014 · 4.5k
Where I belong
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
During the day a smile will get me by
Let me hide the darkness I hold inside
I'll pretend that I am meant to be with the living
When the sun is up I'll live the double life a while longer
But with the living is now where I belong

In the cemetery
6 feet below is where my name is marked
In there cemetery
Where I don't have to explain the feeling on the inside
Where I'll never have to hide the darkness inside of me
I'll smile in the sunlight for a little longer
Try to make it the real me
But the cemetery is where I truly belong
6 feet under where I don't have to explain the darkness inside
In the cemetery
Where the only judgment around me is my own
That's where I belong
Oct 2014 · 700
Outstretched hands
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
My hands outstretched before you
all my struggles and pain in my palms
Maybe I need to turn my palms downwards to drop them at your feet
But how do I drop them when I don't even know your there in front of me
Hands outstretched before me
Struggles and pain in my palms
And its getting too heavy to hold
Everyday every moment one more thing is added
My outstretched hands are getting full
I'm realizing that my hands aren't big enough
Arms outstretched before you
All my struggles and pain
Maybe I need to drop them at your feet
But how do I drop them
When I don't even know if your there in front of me
Every day every moment just a little more is added
Its getting too heavy
All this pain and struggles
My arms can't hold it anymore
How do I drop at your feet when I don't even know if your in front of me.
Oct 2014 · 1.4k
Quench the Unquenchable
Nena Twedell Oct 2014
Quench the unquenchable thirst
let the water just through in every direction
Don't be afraid
It knows what its doing
The water knows where its taking you
let the saltiness sting your eyes and throat
To remind you your still alive
Become a rad doll of the ocean
Don't worry about where its taking you
it knows where you need to be
Let the water reach deep into your soul
Filling the secret hold you hide behind you smile
Quench the unquenchable thirst
Don't be afraid
The ocean knows exactly what you need
Let the saltiness remind you of all that is rich in your life
Don't fight it
The ocean is much bitter than you
It knows what it's doing
Let it take you to a better place
All it to quench the unquenchable
Let it remind you that your still alive
Don't worry about where its taking you.
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