It's calling my name
Soft as a whisper
But I muster up the strength
and walk away

Its calling my name
Yelling and screaming
as if I don't go to it I will die
Screaming a blood curdling scream
Threatening me with all of its being
but I find the courage to walk away

Its calling my name in every conversation
gently caressing my face
as it says sweet things to me
Trying to convince me its a good idea
but a sigh and a count to ten
I walk away

Calling my name in every laughter
tickling my belly
reminding me of the old times
All the old laughs and jokes we used to have
But I push it away and walk away

Calling my name as it wipes away every tear
telling me all the lies it has always told
              " I'll be there for you"
               " Trust me, we can change the world"
                "This time won't be like the last"
                  "Just trust me"
But I push it away and walk away

It calls my name as my world is crashing down around me
whispering everything I need to hear in my ear
Making me smile when tears fill my eyes
I let my walls come down
I still resist it
       pushing you away
       then pulling you closer
it's touch slides down my throat with a sense of comfort

       A rush of guilt floods me
       As I welcome it back in to my life

       Just as I said it would never be apart of my life again
I can't leave it behind for the night
It shall come home with me
Come to bed with me
And never leave me

As I allow it to touch me deeper and deeper
Ignoring the effects on my judgement
Ignoring what tomorrow will be like
Because tonight
It holds me close  

With a comfort no other being has ever given me
It whispers my name in my ear
in the most beautiful tones
How can I ever say goodbye

His instant coffee sits at the back of the drawer in the break room
Just like always
His coffee cup, work phone sits in his box waiting for him
Just like always

I wait for him in the mornings in the break room
Waiting, listening for him to walk through the door
Just like always

When the door doesn't open I remind myself
Its been two months now
Its been real for two months
And your never going to walk through those doors again
Your never going to pull out your instant coffee and coffee mug
Rushing around because your late for your shift again

So I work
I avoid "your" work
It makes me think too much of you
It makes me want to hear your joyful laugh again
So I work

Break time comes
I sit on the couch waiting
Sometimes seconds
Sometimes minutes
Sometimes the whole time
Waiting for you to come around the corner with a new discovery
To discuss your new favorite youtube video
But then I remind myself
Its been two months now
Its been real for two months

So I work
I avoid "your" work
It makes me think too much of you
It makes me want to hear your joyful laugh again
So I work

You're often the topic of discussion
I avoid it
It hurts too much
Your name is like the sound of nails across the chalkboard
Stabbing me in the chest making it hard to breath
Your name is like sugar
Sweet and sincere
Bringing a smile to my face

But I have to remind myself when I see cars that look just like yours
Its been two months now
Its been real for two months

So I work
I avoid "your" work
It makes me think too much of you
It makes me want to hear your joyful laugh  again
So I work

My story is simple
Like the life of a tree
That’s never been planted in the ground
Spent some time here and there
Never putting down my roots anywhere
Going where ever the wind blows
Afraid to put those walls down for anyone
Few and far between have seen me break
But here I stand
Fighting for this journey to be mine

My story is complicated
Like a grapevine growing against the lattice in the garden
Twisted and tangled
Growing in every direction
Never knowing what may happen next
Vines lying on the ground where life used to be full
Vines flourishing and reaching for this sky
Spreading slowly but strong across the garden
Reaching for some support and love
Patiently waiting for my turn.

My story is uniquely my own
Through my pains and struggles
My only hope is to inspire
Never cut down a vine of another vine
Through the storm I’ve come out bigger and stronger
But never on my own
With the support of my friends and family close by holding my hand
Sometimes just a hand on my shoulder knowing this battle is for me
But never alone
My story has plot twists and turns
Ups and downs
Moments of intoxicating laughter
Moments of heartbreaking screams
But my story is not about the heartbreak but about the strength I found from within
Before you I stand
Stronger than before ready to take on the world
This is my story
So come dance with me in the rain
And the sun
As the world rushes by us
We’ll stop to smell the roses
Because nothing is as sweet as taking a moment to remember the parts of life that matter.

I'm a song stuck on repeat
A broken record
Always looking for answers
Feeling broken and lost
Tired of waiting for time to do its job
Stuck on repeat
looking for a skip button
So I can have a happy ending too
Tired of playing life's victim
just don't know how to find my way back to the lighted path
I'm a song on repeat
repeating all the things that are wrong
Repeating all the cries for help
Stuck in a ravine with no way out
No one to hold the other end of a rope to get out
Hearing all the same things echoing around me
Everyone is rushing about avoiding eye contact
Like they are afraid of what I have to say
Afraid of what they may see in my eyes
Can't find the right answers
Stuck on repeat

Picking up the pieces
that are laying on the ground like shattered glass
So many pieces left on the ground
but the pieces keep falling between my fingers
Slowly breaking the pieces that weren't so broken into small pieces

Like a pumpkin smashing after Halloween
A pumpkin on Halloween night glowing and smiling with untainted joy
smashed and destroying the the smile on its face
Stripping away its temporary joy
Before its time
just like mine
broken before its time
searching for some answers

like a snowman searching for its head in the snow
with no answers in sight
the sun is coming for the snowman.

You've got me looking at the sky
Walking in circles
Apologizing for who I've become
And yet I still open these doors to you
Like I'm the gentleman and you’re the lady
When really it’s the other way around
You came into my life like a quiet storm
And I was confused because that always been my role in this world
You've got me hands in my pockets
Looking at the sun
Blinding me to all the wonders of the world
Letting you climb in through my window after curfew
Like this is just part of life
And this would normally be ok because that’s just what friends do
We take care of each other in the time of need
But I'm still trying to find how you gained all this power
In just a short amount of time
Although I feel like I'm still got the power of Titus
To turn this whole world to gold
Yet You make me feel powerless and clueless
Our friends look at us like we're crazy
Each telling us that each positive of the friendship is really a negative
When really what they are missing is that a negative one times a negative one always equals a positive
Yet they insist that we have rose colored glasses on
And the longer we keep them the harder it will be to fix these mistakes
But I'm looking at how things are going and I can't find their truth in our friendship
Because truly whether we have rose colored glasses on or not
We've made it work in our favor
With your strengths and mine we each learn something from each other
We're looking to the clouds
Listening to hard metal
We know that whether or not we have rose colored glasses on or not
If the fog we've got someone there to catch us

Got my whole world closed down
In a lockdown
Under surveillance
Hoping no one can see what's inside
No one is allowed in
Without special permission
Yet you’re here
How did you get in
You snuck in under my radar like no one before
You must have some serious skill
But now I must remove you from the premises of my world
You are a threat to the wellbeing and surroundings
You don't belong here yet
How did you get here
Why are you here
My whole world is closed down to everyone around me
In a lock down with security heavily guarding every part
How did you get in
Sure you can visit
Sure you can take a peak
But don't cross inside
That's how it's always been
So how did you get past the barb wire
How did you get past the landmines
Snuck in under my radar
Now I don't know how to get you out
You know to much already
Seen too much of what happens in here
How did you get in to this place
Where no one else has been aloud before.
My world is closed down to everyone else
So how did you sneak your way in
Please don't leave
Visitors are nice
And are few and far between
I don't mind them once in a while
Promise you won't spill the secrets you have seen
Or the secrets you have heard.
You've seen too much already
You know too much now.

Sweet smell of addiction
Sweet taste of intoxication
The moment they touch my lips I know it’s a mistake
But the moment the feeling I get when the smell is inhaled
The moment the sweet taste hits my tongue
I know it all will be a regret in the morning
Brain slows down to a crawl
A nice change from the racing city traffic stuck in my head
Worries seem to just slip to the back of my mind
And no one's opinion seems to matter
What matters is me and my happiness
Sweet smell of addiction
Sweet taste of intoxication
I know it will be a regret in the morning
But I got to try to slow it down
Slow the racing in my brain
Got to bring the piece of myself that I can't seem to control back down from the clouds
It'll be a regret in the morning
But with each in hale
Nothing seems to matter
It's all just a joke
With each swig
It becomes more and more about me
It’s the sweet smell of addiction
It’s the sweet taste of intoxication.

Close my eyes tonight
In hopes of happiness and peace
Using  my determination as a light
To scare away the darkness and the monsters that comes with
Its hard to manage when you don't mind the dark some days
Don't mind walking in the dark
Prefer it most days
But that’s in this world
Not the world of my head
In the world of my head I have to shine this light around
And push it all away
So I can keep pushing forward
So that I can explore the new part of my mind
That is attempting to take over my world as we speak
I've already decided it can't have it
I won't let it squelch the things I've worked so hard for
Determination it shall fear
And I shall not fear it
No matter how hard it pushes
I may have to step back
But I refuse to stand at the bottom of this mountain
And pretend everything is ok.
I've already attempted that
I've already looked for the answer at the bottom of a bottle
The answer isn't there
The answer is in Determination and patience
Forgiveness of myself.

Some mornings looking in the mirror
Is like seeing a stranger in my body
Trying to figure out where she came from
While I'm suffocating in the unsuspecting comforts of my own body
My own mind.
The thoughts that consume me
They aren't mine
The actions that take over when things go wrong
They aren't mine
I'm searching for a breath of fresh air
Searching for that break through moment
So many people looking at me
Wondering what is wrong
Why am I like this.
The actions that take over
The thoughts that take over
None of them are me
I'm slowly being suffocated in my own body.
Some days when I look in the mirror
I just wonder what is wrong with me
Why can't I just kick it to the curb
Just kick everything bad that goes on inside to the side
And just let it sit in the corner and be silent.
Some days I wonder why everyone else has all this insight
Yet I'm the one who can't seem to make it stop
Some nights when I lay in bed
I look out my window
And wish upon a star
And pray to the higher powers that be
That they can take it all away.
That someday I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl looking back.
Recognize the woman I have become.
One day I will
One day that mirror will look back at me with a smile
It will look at me knowing the hard times I've had
And realize that I survived.

These images dance through my mind
Of the past
Of the Present
And your words will always be at the back of my mind
But I hope you can see how much better I am without you
The spring flowers dancing in the breeze
With the colors
Blues of peace
Pinks of happiness
Yellows of freedom
Go ahead and say I'm missing you
Because what you don't know won't hurt you
I've got more freedom now
And I know myself more than I ever did when I was with you
Those butterflies are dancing with peace happiness and freedom
Helping me grow a garden that I'll someday call life
The perfect life for me
Maybe someday someone else can add to my garden with a red love
But until that day comes I'll grow my garden
Guard my heart and live my life how it should have been done the whole time
I'm sure you're missing the sound of my heart beat
And wishing that I were coming back to you
But you know I ain't the type to come running back after this much time
I'll always be an independent woman that you'll never be able to handle.

Find your light inside
That’s the true test of your inner strength
Through all the trials and tribulations
But still a flame lit inside
Your path may seem straight forward in the beginning
But the road may veer off in an unexpected direction
That’s when you have to remember the flame inside.
Let it light your way
If it becomes dim please hang on to it
Its your way to sobriety
Its your flashlight to the safety of the other side
Of the trials and tribulations
And though your life will be part of a series of mountains and hills
That inner flame will light the way
Reminding you every day
That you are strong enough to carry it through

Mount Recovery
Recovery is described as a mountain
And here I am on my path to the top
Holes in my shoes bumps and bruises on my body
Blood staining the clothes I’m wearing
Not from rough terrain but from the abuse and pain I have put myself through
Callouses and scars each finding new homes on my body
Leaving held breathes on my skin
This is my recovery-
Not just from the drugs and alcohol…and from myself
On the path to the top of mount recovery
The path that seems to be traveled more and more today
Each step is a struggle as I strain to keep my balance
On what seems to be a narrow path
But filled with pain and self-discovery
A sense of wonder as I struggle to keep my balance
Amazed at myself that I haven’t fell yet.
As I look ahead I wonder if I will ever make it to the top
I continue to stumble forward
Sometimes to loosing direction
Step by step I rise in elevation
Growing callouses
Healing wounds
I stop to look up and admire the beauty of the life around
As the horizon is filled with oranges, blues, pinks and purples
As the sun sets on another day in Mount recovery.