17
Million little pieces
Sprinkles
Hammered Coke

The wind blows
It falls
Cascades

Faded
Me and then the high
Where the little pieces gone

Colors gone
White it overtakes. I overlook.
Or pigment spread across Earth

17
Million little pieces
For me to stumble upon
Serendipitously

Run into me
As I cross from Hell to Hell
Pieces of me.

When my body is strong enough
I sleep around
Go out with boys who are tough
I make lots of sound

When my body is strong enough
I get high
Let guys be rough
I close my eye

Now my body is weak
I look around
Too sick to speak
I won't make a sound

Now my body is weak
I look at a boy who smiles
I turn my cheek
For the daily trials

But when I look back he still smiles
And I can't help but smile too
I think we could run for miles
In reality I could move a foot or two

But this happens every time I fall ill
And we never talk when I'm well
But I'll smile at him still
Only time will tell

If he becomes more than a childlike attraction in my life...

Met you the day I thought I'd die
You cured my ******* January blues
After losing all I had to lose
I called you knowing loneliness poison

Intending to one night stand
You up

Late night mellow rock and
Balcony smokes in ice age Michigan
Bodies moving like snowflakes
Tears melting like liberated ice
My old world fading like a faraway pebble's wakes
My love becoming so loud I couldn't hear a word again

In silence I heard violins
An invisible orchestra playing to
The life I thought I was conducting

Too late did I learn
I was merely another violin
There for you to play
And without you pulling at my heartstrings
I would fall out of tune
And into disrepair

Oh, darling, my focus is unbroken
until I hear your call
Those few words you'd spoken
In the twenty twelve fall
Spin in my head slightly broken

Boy, I'll never forget you
But I ought to move along
You're welcome on this trip too
Sing with me my lyricless song
We'll search for the greatest view

Trust me, and the church of blue and green
Run through the ultimate adversity
and the ultimate strength will be seen
I'll follow you; invoke my curiosity
even through you're only eighteen

Oh, darling, my focus is unbroken
until I hear our song
an off-pitch love token
soon- it won't be long
before the truth is spoken

And I'll have to get out now
wait, slowly focus returns
as it will I vow
as the pills tip back and the incense burns
Take a bow

The focus is back and your love is gone

Breathing,
Feeling,
Crushing weight of heartbreak healing.

I am walking,
I am singing;
I am living,
I am being.  

It's raining sunshine;
I'm sweating ice.

The painter is blind,
The pianist is deaf,
The poet is illiterate.
You are inconsiderate.

At best.

-

I am walking.
Ten miles yesterday.
Talking
One hundred miles an hour, looking for a way-
Some way- to keep myself alive.

I am singing.
Bourbon fueled ballads of confusion
Not quite dancing, my body is swinging
In ways reminiscent of your delusion:
Somehow you thought you couldn't thrive.

I am living.
I am soaking up Earth.
I am forgiving
You for my hell. I am acknowledging your worth.
Not everything of me did you deprive.

I am being.
I am in the present
I am seeing
Clearly, we came and went.
Now, I still hope for your well being.

-

For your sun speckled eyes to shine down at someone, one day, you'll love.
For your violent mind, one day, to calm.
Your pressured heart; your unfinished art.

For your captive spirit to be free again.
For the wanderer inside you to be found again.

I picture
The mountaintops we threw our brains over
The cities I traced for you
The shoes you laced, the adversity we faced...

I still hope

You find those things one day
In your poor racked brain:
Turn them over,
Read the dates stamped on the back
like old Polaroids.
Letting them dance through your mind
Leaving imprints
Inspiring new bounds, new footprints.

He will

Kiss me hard
Touch me where I am scarred
Throw me out
Scream; shout
Remind me I am worthless
Make me wordless
Use
Abuse

But he will

Love me softly
Come home promptly
Take me out
Ask what I am all about
Remind me that he needs me
Compare me to a beautiful sea
Find me when I am afraid
Give me aide

And he will

*Always cry himself to sleep

I often ponder whether I'd rather have had you pretend to love me
Until the end of my short life
Or if I should be thankful
That I will not die believing your lies

It's excruciating
Being surrounded by laughter and love
While sitting behind a paper thin wall
Silently alone

It's horrifying
Hearing someone else's joyful speech
While trapped in a dark room with a locked door
Painfully aware

A decision made impulsively
Sometimes ends repulsively
But sometimes ends perfectly
And eradicates conformity

Look just a little more you
(When in fact there's less of you)
They look again and say that's WHO?
Open up their world view

When they see that people can change

Getting drunk at the bar
Knowing I won't be going far
Getting high off a line
Hoping for some godly sign

On this city Christmas Eve
I want to leave
But I can't move my feet
Can't face the street

Missing my man
Cursing him - ****
For being two years gone
In his life I was just a pawn

I would let anyone lie next to me
In the darkness I cannot see
I crave human touch
I don't ask for much...

so what
If my reality-
The Grainy Daze in which I survive-
Isn't what you see?
                                       I DON'T CARE
(no, I do)
What if all the images of mine
That I hopelessly entwine
Don't fit the same resolution
And it's all
Cut.
Short.
and the credits roll?

I am reading your each and every word
You are being heard
It's just, I don't know what to say
I'm lost today; every day

But I'm not broken lost
My mind is freshly tossed
Thrown to some new destination
Spending time on creation

I'm dating someone who doesn't hurt me
It's all so new, you see?
And I feel like a *****
Because I don't trust that he won't switch
Sides

I've been tricked and teased and lied to
Too many times too
To many times to
Trust another heartbreaker- not this one too

But I'm outrageous; I'm a fool
He's an angel, not a tool
I'm stupid; I'm ignorant
He's glorious and innocent!

But maybe- I don't know
Because at first it doesn't show
He's out to hurt me
Just wait and see

A week from now I'll be cut up dead
Left in the shed
All because I trusted a boy
Who got tired of me, his brand new toy

And what the **** am I doing-- thinking
I'm not thinking I'm sinking
Sinking further and further into love
And romanticizing every accidental shove




Now, I won't tell you not to smoke
Hell, every once in a while a spark a ****
And threats won't convince you
And lies won't deceive you

Now, I won't tell you it'll get better
But I hope maybe I can help with this letter
I can't trick you into being happy
Event through my attempts which are sappy

But I'll tell you, if I may,
And I ask that you hear what I have to say:
Life is in color
So open your eyes and try to love her

I didn't see the beauty in things
I never had an innocent desire for wings
Until I picked up a paintbrush
And created colors oh so lush...

If you're r missing a color, find it, and if you can't, create it. That's a good way to live your life.

Something must make you happy;
something must make you sad.
Humans cannot simply be.
Events construct emotions.
Right?
Something must be wrong with her-
An extra something, making her disturbed.
Removing that will fix her, yes?
An extra foot of hair- watch it fall from silver sheers;
an extra twenty pounds- watch as each disappears;
an extra pint of blood- feel it evaporate with old fears.
With everything wrong now gone there is no sorrow.

Sadness is not replaced with joy,
it's not replaced at all.
The hollow void must be filled somehow.
Something must be wrong with her-
A missing something, making her incomplete.
Adding that will fix her up, yes?
One more earring- a small silver pin;
One more scar- a memory on her skin;
One more boy- feel him feel her in sin.

Addition and subtraction won't make a person whole,
but it's too late now for her to walk away.
She's started a complex equation
and will never see the solution defined.

You might think it's *****
But to me
The things that are *****
You cannot see
You have to
Feel.

The worst kind of nightmares are the waking ones
Dreams become serene scenes from which you jolt awake
Into the living Hell of reality

I see problems down the line
Darkness steals my sight
While I'm looking for a sign
I can't see without any light

It's humid here
And the windows are cracked
I'm eating but I'm starving with fear
A smile on her face but emotion is lacked

I'm feeling the room with my mind
Listening to the songs from their creaking radio
And hoping for some hidden existential secret to find
As over and over in my mind turns this scenario

I'm pale and freckled and my hair is long
They're dark and their voices hum melodies sweeter than my supper
It's a long and simple song
Almost describing the state of mind after taking an upper

The men seem happy
The women seem lonely
It is fall and the woods grow sappy
It is dark and here I am young and only

They're here because they don't have any money
I'm here because I don't have any friends
They treat me lovingly, like I am their communal child, calling me honey
They tell me no worries things change and to an end come trends

My blue pleated skirt is saturated with the scent of soul food
And my mind carries the only bit of them that leaves the kitchen
My white button up hides the good
And my ears hold in the things told to the only one who'd listen

It was weird
I didn’t think about
Jumping off
That’s cliche

I thought about
How last time I was there
With Him
I was getting high over cheap wine
and weird vegan pizza

And there was a tiny gold lock
With no key and nothing was
Engraved

And we tilted over the
edge
And walked across the
beams
Where we should have been scared but
the wind and the ****
Kept us afloat.

The taste in your mouth as you hold back tears
The secrets ringing in your ears
Body aching of pain
Mind aching of fear

~

First forced into silence
Forced into a game
Trained into shyness
Trained to feel shame

First he locked me out of his world
Our once shared consciousnesses became untwirled
Left me out of his mind
Finding a new life and leaving me behind

Second he locked me out of his presence
Refusing to touch me
Ignoring my essence
Declining to see me

Finally he locked me out of myself
My thoughts were confiscated
Creativity incarcerated in a small box on a high shelf
Breaking me until I was fully isolated

Tell me your secrets as you weave your fingers between my thighs
Teach me your history as your eyes knock down my mind
Tell my why while we both get high

Please let me into your world as you tell me I complete it
Please let me win you over as you coach me; tell me more as you tell me "more"
Let's close our eyes like we always do, this time opening our minds and allowing ourselves to see

Navigating these new age jungles
City species run through the curious dark
Thinking now is the time to be alive
As we stay out late enough to watch the sunrise
From suicidal heights
We stay awake to watch our minds commit themselves to their ultimate demise

Once bustling brains become a barren tundra
Their city thoughts die
Bodies still moving with the beat
Thoughts experience defeat
Conquered by the never ending
Availability of bad decisions

We are the buildings with out ceilings
We want another round
We are badasses without feelings
(At least we pretend to be with our looks and our sounds)

~

Messes in dresses running through empty city streets
After the voices of those we love whispered
They would never let us go
And proceeded to do just so

Learning to articulate from rap songs
Not resisting the urge to emulate our bad influences  
Lot of love
Lot of hate
**** karma when you can’t discern
What’s good from what is wrong

It’s all going to break
Down the hollow factory’s stairs
Where we ruin our lives without compunction
And brag about who we will impress
With the mistakes we said we’d made

I feel as though I’ve done sub par
I’ve come so far
But you’ve set for me
Such a **** high bar
Ranked me alongside men like the czar
But can’t you see?

I’m not there yet
My decisions are not set
In stone
I feel such a threat
All the time I fret
That what I plan, I will not own

I feel  alone in my collapse
Caught in traps
With no way of escape
My judgment, or rather lapse
There of - left me without maps
To my future- years to come haven’t taken shape

Your expectations
Lead to conversations
After which I feel everyone I’m Disappointing
I stare at your success during many late night congregations
My emulations
Are littered with your qualities- sharp pain in what I lack- Pointing

Fingers at my weaknesses
But they aren’t coming from geniuses
They spout from my own hands
From by brain packed with diseases
Nothing pleases
Me. Who knows where my future lands?

You, and your tricks and your toys
Running with your bad ideas
Like scissors You, and your kicks and your ploys
To see what messes you could create for your gallerias.



Feed me *******
Smoke me down  
Pour me champagne
Evaporate this town



You're a liar
But I need you in my marrow...
Yes, now, the notes are gettin' higher
The hallways narrow

As my brain gets brighter
Eyes get wider
Life gets lighter
As I sip sweet cider

I'll look up longer
Still connected to Earth's core
Body to mind, stronger
Watching beauty, on it's hinges swing the door

Leaves drip like tears from trees
As the clouds paint the sky
But still life is full of idiosyncrasies
And you still told too many lies

Here I am
The master of change
Trying not to give a ****
Guess the simple exchange
Of window views
Wasn't enough to alleviate
Them **** social cues
Tellin' me to incarcerate
The feelings I've got for you


It's hard to get over you
(You're in my head)
When I'm so often under you
in my bed
So I'm leavin' this town
Gettin' out while I still can
Won't let you hold me down
'Cause darlin', you ain't my man
Anymore

I broke down helplessly
And I know it's weak
That I'm running selfishly
Away from home, but I ought to seek
Out some sort of happy emotion
That's only far away from you
Accept this notion
And move on, too
That shouldn't be hard for someone like you

I miss awaking
With you by my side
Faking
Not wanting to let you inside
With your body pressed against mine
Begging
For me to say fine
And me finally letting
Myself give into your delicious temptation
Good morning ***
Before goodbye at the train station
Forgetting what wrecks
We had created
Losing our minds
We were sedated
Ignoring the signs
Destined for failure
My teenage romance
You were too much my senior
To be happy with a careless dance
And the lights went out
You were gone
And with that came pouring doubt
At dawn
Simple love may not exist
To act unconsciously
Is  not permissed
And certainly love is no democracy
I miss awaking
with you by my side

Motivation is at an all time low
Goodnight angels, goodnight hell
Goodnight world, let's take it slow.

new age jungles and city species
running through the curious dark
you say “Now IS the time to be alive.”
and stay out late
to watch the sunrise
from suicidal heights
see the bright lights
see the city sights
read your last rites
got
high insights
stay awake to watch the sun rise
to watch your mind fall down
to watch your ultimate demise

bustling brains become a barren tundra
and city thoughts die
and bodies still move with the beat
while thoughts experience defeat
you’re not complete
gotta cheat
gotta eat
but you gotta retreat
but you gotta take a seat
now it’s bittersweet
step back, gotta let go
gotta move on
skip the free throw

Dancing around the kitchen
And through the eons of lives we'd forgotten we'd shared
Becoming again one another's addiction
With love blatantly declared

Inhaling the spring sunlit air
And absorbing the memories we made alone
Truly listening to what the other has to share
And looking at what is shown

Artificially corrected vision
Does not influence the natural inspiration
Nor the precision
With which we build our creation

We walk
We are; ain't
We talk
Paint!

We smile when we want to
Not when we're told we should
We act true
And we are good

A pair
An alliance
Breathing the same air
Unrestrained by some invisible fence
~live together peacefully~

Looking off the same ledge
Making the pledge
That I won’t one day be
One of  the people who see
That view
As their last view
Jumping/ falling before they see the light

A million years ago on a dark warm night
I walked across the ledge and exhaled
Remember me, when our relationship’s Hell was unveiled
When we were in love
With the push and shove
This place could be

To me
The little girl
She dances and sings
A bicyclist
His bell it rings
A man
He smokes
A classmate
She jokes
I see graffiti
Take a look,
Sweetie.

Five thousand of you read
My secrets
One thousand of you
Good Morning ***

How can I not mind
That you've all seen inside my mind
When nobody in my "real world" knows
The color of my eyes

I took you to the top of a Colorado mountain
A yogi with blonde hair and light eyes
Told us to let go of our anger, let it seep through our skin like a fountain
And evaporate into the angelic blue skies
Let it go
Let something go

She said "Be here, happy, now."
You told me that night
You felt relieved for the first time, though you didn't know how
But you finally felt you were not going to fight
Yourself
Your mind

I bombarded you with my energy
I cocooned you in my love
I gave you my spirit
I only hope you look back on our wanderings
That you are thankful for what you recieved
And that you still hold in you a bit of my energy, a bit of my peace.

I am a constellation
A baffling creation of unintentional art
A random selection of cells
That form no shape, no being

I am the outline in a child's activity book
Connect the dots
An undrawn picture
Of a previously imagined individual

We humans make pictures with the stars
We draw lines between the dots
We create pictures of the things we are familiar  with
Assuming one leads to two
Defining vast and undesigned constellations into images material possessions
Based only on their locations

I have been tracing the lines between the numbers
Drawing pictures of myself in the sky
Trying to define myself in a human way
Trying to find enough of myself to fill the outlines laid down for me

I cannot find the pieces
I cannot fit the shapes
The rigid lines between the stars
Drawn on your human map
Do not fit my soul
And cannot be filled with my mind
Too much and not enough simultaneously

I cannot be your connect the dot
I cannot find the proper path to the image you created of me
Cannot draw or walk or be the lines
You painstakingly wrote out for me to trace

For the lines you drew do not truly exist
You drew them there to make the inexplicable scattering of dots and stars more comprehensible
You wanted the Galaxy to be graced with familiarity

I am not familiar
I am simply a random selection of cells
Simply the dots
Simply the stars
With no images or meanings

One through the window
To **** the pane
Next through my Brain
To **** the insane
Laughed to myself

Because Babe, it’s ironic

Noise cuts
like glass
For all the times we’ve been called *****
Break the obscured

Frames

It’s gone: the fog shattered
making way for the clear outdoors
Turn it 90 degrees, mind already scattered
Click

But it’s silent
There was only one
No permit of my violent
Shh

Click-Click-Splash-Fall
How am I here?
There was no fire
I’m on the ground, dear.
Red. Taken over by what
Must have been the fear.

Nothing can **** the insane
Not even my Brain.

Solutions seem to be tossed to me
How simple it would be
If I could just cry
(let it all out)
If I could just die
(let it all end)

But oh how you
Complicate the way I think

Our opia
Was *****
On winter nights and
Beneath the summer sun
You looked at me
And fueled my addiction

Our love
Melancholy melody
Droned on
Through the seasons
A constant craving
Until finally I ran out of you

You left me
My addiction still raging full force
You left me
With no help through detox  
And that is why it killed me

It's amazing,
the way I was drawn to him
because he looked
like summer at a time
I craved only the hollowness
of winter.
It's amazing
that his love
compensated for my
self hate,
and that he was able to make me forget
who I was.
The simplicity in
holding hands captivated me and
I forgot that I was addicted to speed. Everything about the way
he let me love him was slow and innocent.
He fixed me.
He sewed up my
spine, expanded my
stomach,
and thawed my
lungs with his
warm breath.
The scars faded,
but it was amazingly easy
for him to change his mind: rip out the stitches
leaving them to
bleed, open to
infection,
and wanting
anything that could stop
the pain.
****** in the back seat
of some guy's car,
lines off an unknown
man's kitchen counter,
smoke in my
parents house
with the window
open so I could
pretend they didn't know,
cuts
up my legs.
Anything
to forget that someone could be
so
**** cruel,
anything to forget that someone could be
so
happy. Lost
in the tears that run
with the water
in the shower
twice a day, lost
in my mind that cannot
escape
itself
no matter how
intoxicated...
No matter how
exhausted, was my sanity. Everything has
escaped,
he still looks like summer,
I finally found the hollowness
of winter.
It's amazing how
it happened:
it started; it ended.
Eventually,
one of us will die
And
the other will regret that it didn't
last.
It will be amazing
the way one of us
feels again in those first few moments
after the other is
gone. If
I last, will i watch the
flashes
of our lives and
feel again
the ignorant perfection of our
love or the
pain of removing the
stitches?

Like a vase of ashes
I am full
Dense but dead

I wonder if he heard the bullet
                 if he heard the gun crack
                 if he knew his breath was his last
                 if he thought about his future
                          thought about his past
                 if he thought at all
                                  or if it was too fast
I wonder if he heard the bullet

Did love dizzy his mind?
Did he think about his girl-
How she would feel when his body she'd find?
Did he think about his friends-
Who he would leave behind?
Did he think about himself
                 Trying to survive?

I wonder if he felt the pavement catch him
                 if he was still alive
I wonder when his heart stopped beating:
   was it in the backseat of a car?
   where they left his body?
   Did they drag him far?

I wonder what he was thinking;
I hope that he was not.

His fiancé flew to a corpse, not a wedding venue.
His mother to a coroner, not a graduation.
His brother accepted his diploma, not knowing what had happened.
I hope that he never realized these things.

Life's weird
Without your crooked smile
Your mess over mine; tiered
You: in denial-
My pride blocked rationale
Your ignorance lied
But all the while, pal
We kept ourselves tied
Down.

Someone else spits words
But only one I hear
They remind me of the way we were absurds
Dear

Someone else stutters
There words as in-cohesive as our intrusive
Thoughts- never uttered
****** up as our ribs- protrusive

Someone else reads
"the sharp edges of the night"
Had they felt the sharp seeds
Planted to grow into an everlasting fight

Someone else reads s l o w l y, meaningfully
But I don't listen
Numbed dully
Behind my eyes I no longer glisten

Someone else breaks
Give me hunger
She won't know how the fakes
Make everything last longer

To them they're just
Words that someone else wrote
Not something that took courage to must
Not a secret/ scribbled on a note
(to no one)

I have two eyes
With no irises
So the pupils can expand and narrow
Indefinitely

Music for breakfast-
absorb it through my heart.
Like a plant absorbs light.
But I scratch out Track Six
Like a plant blocks green,
because I don’t like Track SIX.

Everything I see
because making a selection
is too hard.
I can’t.
I end up looking
like a primary schooler.
First given the privilege to dress himself.

My biggest secrets
are the things I’ve forgotten.

I wish I could be the things I’ve forgotten
The amnesia
I’m in love with the way she doesn’t care.

I dream our child.
Split 50/50 genes.
A surgical device who’s name I can’t recall-
but amnesia probably can-
That cuts apart and immediately sews back
together

I dream in my sleep
the things that I can.
And everything is real
because it is all from what I
recall.

I think.
Because I must confess-
Reflections are always a bit deranged.
Ripples through my face
when a pebble hits the water.

On Friday Morning I told you that I knew
as I walked through the door
blue

On Friday Morning I was not worth it
as I walked through the door
hit

On Friday Morning the night came back in pieces
as I walked through the door
releases

I had told you that I loved you
as I blackout danced
woo

A lie
A goodbye

Music that makes you cry
And a love that makes you want to die
A beat that makes you scream
And someone with whom to scheme

A world that never ends
The impossibility of making amends
A colonization you can not escape
The place that will never take shape

Taking over my mind...

We’re all suicidal
Our bodies
Our minds

Whatever demons conquer us first
Chemicals
Organs

Seems the most respectable way
To stop beating
Is a drive by
Shot to the head

****** is all that’s left
Each other

But only naturally
Your own bullet
Would be the way out

To die on your own will
They say is a sin

The situation
Turns you around
Reversibly
Dizzy with an unsuspecting victim’s sight

If you can’t put an end
To the beat of your heart
Decide when to pull the plug

The trigger

I guess, you’ll have to go
By some sort of ******

I'm working on having my first book of poetry published right now. It will have some of the poems I have posted here and a whole bunch more that will be exclusive to the book. If any of you are interested in purchasing it, feel free to message me here so you can get your hands on one of the first copies! It's looking like they're going to be about $10-$15 at the moment, but nothing is set in stone. Thanks to all of you supporting me here on hellopoetry.com, I honestly wouldn't have felt empowered enough to go through with this had I not had each and every one of your views, likes, comments, messages, and love. Also, thanks in advance to those of you who will be purchasing!!

We write it and we destroy it
Do with it what we see fit
Tear it up
Burn it, hide it below dead js in a cup
Like our souls
Like the cigarette burn holes
In our shirts and our arms
Our sleeping bags
Awoken to forever-under-our-eyes bags

You're pulling at my Earth
With your bicycle tire mind
My ground is vibrating
While you drag my beach towel like a magic carpet
Spin my thoughts like a washing machine
The way your mother used to throw your body in the swimming pool
Only you wept with glee, unlike me

Calculus believes in God:
That's how each problem is solved
Chemistry believes  in Karma-
So each equation is balanced: what happens on one side happens on both
Physics believes in ******* the good over;
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

Yet, Earth spins because of the rules of physics.
What does that say about out lives?

And literature believes in everything you do
Or nothing you do
Or it tears you apart because half of the work aligns with your beliefs while the other half appalls you

Maybe I am reading too far
Into the perfect inconvenience
That our crooked teeth align- on par
Made something of an alliance,
it’s just
Coexistence
My reality, I must adjust.

Shift, Cut, Script
How can I trust God’s directions are not,
Automated. I’m gypped.
****, I’m caught.
Spin, and ask, prayer, light as a feather.
Perfection should not be sought
After.
We’ll run for wonderful together

It’s okay, it’s a trick
But are you even aware?
I’m an addict
Caught in your stare.
Recognize my pure desire
Fall through my exhaled air,
Now
Willingness to be caught in your barbed wire.

Every time I see men in uniform
I'm reminded of how you threw your life away
Willed yourself a killing storm
Leaving me with nothing to say

I believe in reincarnation
Someone will pick your soul out
Of the trash filled mountain, making of you a new creation
And I hope- no. I know without a doubt

You will be a flea.